The confession of a pathetic girl. (self.confession)

{confession}

5 ups - 2 downs = 3 votes

I just want to share my story because I am completely ridiculous and pathetic.

Our 2 year anniversary is coming up soon. It's been a rocky relationship. Prior to the first night we met, I hadn't been in a truly committed relationship for about 4 years. I'd met men of interest, it just never worked out or didn't go far. The first night we met I was instantly attracted but honestly I never thought we'd speak again. About 2 weeks later out of boredom I shot a text messaged asking if he wanted to hang out. We ended up hanging out and a few times after that. I fell in love with him. About a month later he just disappeared, out of sight. A month after that, he resurfaced. I think this is where everything went wrong with me, I'd never had an issue letting go of someone or moving on. I don't know why I forgave so easily, but with no question I took him back. The next year would be rough, full of make-ups, break-ups, and complete lies. I've forgiven him for so much... cheating, other women falling in love with him. Oh my gosh, I can't even name it all and I am so ashamed to even share this. I've just been so forgiving and completely stupid. He would constantly become angry with me, leave me, and give me the silent treatment for days. Finally coming back after much pathetic begging and whatnot on my part. We broke up again for a long period and right before I left the state to pursue other goals, we rekindled and have been in a LDR since. I let my family and friends believe everything is perfect. In reality, I am a stupid fucking girl. I can't even list the amount of lies and betrayal that I've let go, because I'm far too ashamed. Recently I unloaded on a bunch of lies and wanted the truth. Now I am a million miles away while he ignores me and continues to tell me he doesn't want to be with me and I continue my pathetic begging. I feel so stupid typing this all out, like why can't I just get the hint? Why would I even want to continue a relationship like this? It's not healthy, but yet here I am... the moment he comes back to me I will forgive everything.

4 comments submitted at 00:21:07 on Jan 10, 2014 by patheticgirlthrowawa

  • [-]
  • ofthrees
  • 3 Points
  • 05:23:15, 10 January

i've been here. i'm a sucker for this shit too, historically. so when i write this, just know it's kind of a blind leading the blind situation.

there are a few ways i've dealt with this when it happens to me - being madly in love with someone who not only doesn't love me back, but who lets it be KNOWN he doesn't, and who toys with me for the fun of it:

1) recognize the above as the truth. this guy doesn't love you. he comes back for the ego boosts, because it's easy, because he knows he can do ANYTHING to you and you'll be grateful for whatever crumbs he throws even as you resent him for throwing only crumbs. after awhile, it becomes a game to them; meanwhile for you, it's your entire life. and think about that, too - that for him, you're an afterthought. compare that to how much mental energy you expend upon him.

2) examine why you think this is all you're worth. take a few minutes and reflect on the fact that by accepting / encouraging / rewarding this behavior, you're not only telling him it's all you're worth, but you're telling YOURSELF it's all you're worth. why is that? why do other women demand and get love stories, while what you demand and get some guy who lies to you, cheats on you, and only comes around at his leisure, leaving just as easily? realize a) that that's exactly what's happening and then b) figure out why you think that little of yourself.

3) self-talk, and lots of it. you're worth more than this. he's a piece of shit. whatever girl who is getting his attention at the moment you aren't isn't somehow better than you, she is no more compelling or awesome than you, she's not getting some sort of valuable prize that you aren't worthy of - she's just the next victim in the long line of victims he'll eventually have lined up in his basement. don't envy them; feel sorry for them that their journey of being fucked over is just beginning.

4) recognize that with guys like this, ANYTHING and EVERYTHING outranks you - or anyone they're involved with, because at the heart of it, they're raging narcissists feeding their egos on the backs of others.

5) go full no contact. delete and block. don't make some big fucking speech beforehand; just disappear. every time you want to stalk on social media, everytime you want to send a text or email "just to say hi" or to express some vague well wishes, don't. do pushups instead; do ANYTHING instead.

6) after a month of no contact, see how you feel. chances are by three months you'll have to force yourself to even THINK of the guy. by six, he'll be a nonissue.

not as easy as all of that, and in the beginning, takes more willpower than a fat kid eschewing cake for carrot sticks, but keep pressing on.

no matter what, you gotta get over this guy. you've GOT to. he's stealing your soul. and he's only able to do it because you're letting him.

good luck.

  • [-]
  • 16CFC
  • 2 Points
  • 00:53:51, 10 January

My suggestion: send him this. Tell him you wrote it. Stand up for yourself and tell him that he is an important part of your life, but that he is quite clearly taken advantage of you, which he undoubtedly is.

tell him that the way he treats you hurts you a lot. Tell him you're not stupid. Tell him you know he's taking advantage of you. Tell him its unacceptable for him to cheat, as well as other transgressions, if he is in love with you. Tell him that you deserve to be loved. You're obviously a nice person, and people have probably stepped on you for that your whole life. Tell him you know its pathetic the way you act, and you won't do it anymore.

but also Tell him that it hurts you very much to think about him never coming back, tell him that the thought of losing him hurts you a lot. Tell him that its his fault, and that while it would be his fault, you understand that you have to bear this pain in order to move on to what you deserve.

Don't allow him to twist to conversation about him at all. Be confident, and firm. You know you deserve better.

There's a chance that kind of conversation could snap him back into shape. If not, you'll at least know where you stand.

  • [-]
  • patheticgirlthrowawa
  • 1 Points
  • 03:06:47, 10 January

I wish I could do that I just can't. I've already sent in every way possible how hurt I'd be to lose him. The truth is it is sadly pathetic and I half hope this time I will be stronger and half hope he will forgive me soon and call me.

  • [-]
  • WhiiteDallia
  • 2 Points
  • 04:33:27, 10 January

Please just google "silent treatment"... (I used to have no idea that this is widely considered as a form of abuse!) I think if you do you'll get a lot of insight into this relationship you're in as well as yourself...all I know is my own eyes were opened big time as far as a relationship I am no longer in