Do you think that wealthy men concerned about "gold-diggers" are overly paranoid? (self.AskWomen)

AskWomen

4 ups - 3 downs = 1 votes

Background: I'm a 29-year-old endocrinologist at a large hospital and have entered the dating scene after a very very long period of celibacy. Simply put, nobody in the world seemed to find me attractive until recently, when I've been going on a string of dates with girls. (I think I have a good personality and good hygiene, and always have.)

Problem is, I noticed that women would immediately perk up when I mentioned that I was a doctor at a big medical center. Initially, I figured maybe they were just interested in my profession and not my status/money; however, I decided that I would need to know for sure in case these doubts about their intentions kept nagging at me.

So I started to administer little field tests to find out what these girls were so excited about. For the first hour of conversation or so, I'd deliberately leave out any mention of being a doctor, instead I would say things like "Oh I help run blood tests and assist nurses during operations at the hospital" and then wait for their response. Essentially, I'd talk about all the science/coolness/wonder of being a medical physician without actually using the word "doctor". Later on the date, I would specify that I'm a doctor.

The results have been extremely dismaying... I've been on something like 30 dates in the last year and out of that, 29 women didn't seem to give a shit about my work until they heard the magical D-word. Immediately after I say that, they become extremely interested and much more touchy feely with me, talk a lot more with me, return my texts faster, and so on.

They literally will go from borderline bored/dispassionate/uninterested to energetic creatures who are laughing and trying to act cutesy with me. All in the span of a minute.

This doesn't make me feel very good. I've always been open-minded when it comes to gender and don't want to be a misogynist, but I don't like what I'm seeing. Essentially status and money seems to be so important, but I want to be liked for more than that.

So my question is: Are men like me being paranoid? In your experience, what do you think of wealthy people who distrust dates because of the fear that they may be just after money and status?

48 comments submitted at 21:45:44 on Jan 11, 2014 by merteil1

  • [-]
  • peppermind
  • 1 Points
  • 21:57:21, 11 January

I suspect if you're working for a living, you're not wealthy enough to attract a golddigger's attention, sorry.

  • [-]
  • Danimal2485
  • 1 Points
  • 22:27:25, 11 January

Hahahaha, I agree! When I'm looking for a woman, I'm looking for old money, not a worker bee.

  • [-]
  • Gluestick05
  • 1 Points
  • 22:59:01, 11 January

Yeahhhh I feel like such an over privileged you-know-what thinking that, but I have a pretty hard time classifying anyone whose primary source of income is wages as remarkably wealthy.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 23:21:01, 11 January

You're right though. Being independently wealthy is a real thing for some people. I know a woman who lives beyond comfortably off just the interest from her accounts.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 21:55:12, 11 January

You lie to women and act like an orderly or medical assistant -- low paying, blue collar, probably un-unionized jobs with little ability for promotion without new training and education. Then, you're surprised when they are more impressed when you say you're a doctor. Somehow, I'm not shocked.

In answer to your question, yes you come off as paranoid.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 21:58:41, 11 January

He actually doesn't lie at all.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 22:00:17, 11 January

Actually he is telling a lie of omission to "field test" them. That may fit your criteria for truth-telling but it sure has hell doesn't fit mine.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 22:06:25, 11 January

That's absolutely absurd. It's not a lie by omission because no one is being mislead by incomplete information (look the term up sometime if you ever want to be honest yourself.) He just wasn't giving extra detail. You may as well say that I'm lying by omission when I say that I'm American without also saying that it live in Colorado.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 22:07:50, 11 January

Seems to me you don't know what doctors do. Believe me, endocrinologists don't "run blood tests and help nurses during surgery." That's a fucking joke.

  • [-]
  • jonesie1988
  • 1 Points
  • 22:18:06, 11 January

right. Most doctors don't even draw the damn blood to begin with.

  • [-]
  • Danimal2485
  • 1 Points
  • 22:31:53, 11 January

Yeah that part is a lie. Would you have considered it a lie of omission if he just said he worked at a hospital, but didn't specify what he did? I know I would be weirded out if women I dated seemed like they didn't like me until I said I was a doctor.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 22:55:55, 11 January

It seems less malicious if he tells the actual truth like "I work in a hospital" and not a mistruth like "I run bloodwork and help out."

  • [-]
  • Danimal2485
  • 1 Points
  • 23:10:52, 11 January

Oh I agree that the "helping nurses and lab work" comment is tantamount to lying. But it seems like you still think it's malicious to say he works in a hospital, but doesn't clarify he's a doctor, would that be correct?

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 23:14:06, 11 January

It's the "testing"-- so, the reason he is withholding that he's a doctor. If you don't want to talk about your job, just don't. He does want to talk about it but first he needs to tell a lie and then do a reveal and judge his dates' reactions. If someone can't see that's objectively fucked up, then their dating life is gonna suck.

  • [-]
  • Danimal2485
  • 1 Points
  • 23:26:57, 11 January

>If you don't want to talk about your job, just don't.

That's essentially what I'm saying. I mean I would be weirded out too if most of my dates seem bored and uninterested until I said I was a doctor. So I wouldn't think it was a big deal if he just said he worked in a hospital until he could tell there was genuine interest. If I were dating a woman who said she worked at a law firm, and later after she could tell there was chemistry told me she was a partner I wouldn't think that was a big deal either.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 22:33:41, 11 January

I love the intentional misquotation. Not much for honesty yourself, I see.

Read what he actually wrote. He doesn't say what kind of help he does. He could, for all you know, be telling the truth that he does do what he actually says (rather than your blatant misquote.)

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 22:54:29, 11 January

L O L are you kidding or just have a problem with reading?

Directly from OP:

>"Oh I help run blood tests and assist nurses during operations at the hospital"

Directly from me:

>"run blood tests and help nurses during surgery"

GUYS I'M A HUGE LIAR WATCH OUT

  • [-]
  • jonesie1988
  • 1 Points
  • 22:40:46, 11 January

>He doesn't say what kind of help he does.

yes he does.

> So I started to administer little field tests to find out what these girls were so excited about. For the first hour of conversation or so, I'd deliberately leave out any mention of being a doctor, instead I would say things like "Oh I help run blood tests and assist nurses during operations at the hospital" and then wait for their response. Essentially, I'd talk about all the science/coolness/wonder of being a medical physician without actually using the word "doctor". Later on the date, I would specify that I'm a doctor.

Her quote isn't far off.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 22:46:12, 11 January

Yes, her misquote was off and intentionally so.

And like I said, he doesn't say what kind of help he gives, just that he helps.

  • [-]
  • cirocco
  • 1 Points
  • 23:01:39, 11 January

DOCTORS DO NOT HELP NURSES AND THEY DO NOT RUN OR HELP TO RUN BLOOD TESTS. Nurses help doctors and hospital labs run blood tests. Give us a break seriously. Your intentional obtuseness is ridiculous.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 23:09:09, 11 January

Actually, they can and do help with blood tests, and can and do help nurses (they work together, duh.)

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 1 Points
  • 21:50:51, 11 January

Yes you are being paranoid

Doctors are awesome to me because of their education, level of commitment to their job, the work and intellect and effort it takes to get there. Money doesn't come into it. Hells, I assume most young docs have a ton of student loans to pay off

  • [-]
  • Danimal2485
  • 1 Points
  • 22:39:52, 11 January

> I assume most young docs have a ton of student loans to pay off

Oh yeah they do. I think the part that would bother me most is the fact that he makes it seem like the women he dates are having a bad time until he says he was a doctor. That would make me a little suspicious of our compatibility. But I think it's pretty natural, I'd perk up if I found out a boring date was a journalist that worked abroad, because that's a profession I find extremely interesting.

  • [-]
  • iconocast
  • 1 Points
  • 22:00:20, 11 January

A lot of men with a lot of money date women simply because the women are beautiful. When you don't bother to look for people with good character, you're likely to spend time with people of bad character.

  • [-]
  • jonesie1988
  • 1 Points
  • 22:04:05, 11 January

Yeah, you are. Being a doctor is interesting. I'm so fucking baffled by men who go, "she perked up when she heard I was [insert interesting profession here]! She must be a gold-digger." No, you poopyhead, you have something interesting and admirable about you, and that's probably why.

And you can't rule out confirmation bias. You might feel like they are more responsive, flirty, giggly, whatever because you expect them to be so.

Of course, there are women who will care about the money. But that's also not the worst thing. Dating someone with money could be a cool experience. Having money/dating someone with money makes more opportunities possible, and it doesn't mean they only want your money. It doesn't mean they won't contribute to the relationship, it doesn't mean they only see dollar signs.

  • [-]
  • sexrockandroll
  • 1 Points
  • 21:51:23, 11 January

I've never met a woman who was a gold digger in real life, so maybe you are. However I've also not really studied the subject.

It's possible though that they appreciate that you're a doctor (the job itself) rather than the salary of the job. It's way more relatable to talk to someone who is a doctor, rather than someone who's a runner at the hospital. I mean... If someone just said to me they run blood tests and doesn't seem very interested in it I would change the subject because they don't seem to like work much. Or if they talked about running tests for medical stuff, I don't really know much about that so I wouldn't really have much to say there other than a couple simple questions.

If someone says they're a doctor I would want to ask what they love about it, since that takes a lot of school, effort, etc, and I know more about doctors/physicians from interacting with them and (embarrassingly) TV shows. Also that would mean that they have a career they're super dedicated to, like I do, and I would respect that they have a high powered career.

  • [-]
  • Joywalking
  • 1 Points
  • 21:49:43, 11 January

There are some women that care about their date's money, there are others that don't. Just like there are some men that care about how much their date earns and there are some that don't. It's never a good thing to be wanted just for your money -- that'd be a dealbreaker for me, I know -- but I don't think it's something to assume will always happen.

  • [-]
  • thingsgetwhatever
  • 1 Points
  • 21:51:41, 11 January

I think it would be naive to think not a single person would go after money, but I think it would be paranoid to think every single person would. I think there is a level of caution that is okay and a level of caution that is totally paranoid behavior.

  • [-]
  • CarlvonLinne
  • 1 Points
  • 22:05:54, 11 January

You know, there's a lot more to the word "doctor" than the money. There's a huge amount of prestige still, especially in America. There's still a "Doctor God," thing going on. I say this as a physician myself. You go from nerdy schmuck to "Dr God." People are far, far nicer, more interested and friendlier when they find out that I am a physician. I have had them go from borderline rude and dismissive to inviting me to socialise with them. I have value because I can heal them or their children.

There may be a social class element as well. In America, people have odd beliefs about social class of physicians. At home, my classmates view me as being respectably successful but no one thinks I am remotely rich or socially elevated, given my uni classmates were the children of the super-rich, need never work for a living, living off inherited wealth. I am plebeian given I need actually work. In America, it would be laughable if it were not so sad how unrealistic the assumptions are about how well-off I must be.

  • [-]
  • celestialism
  • 1 Points
  • 22:00:15, 11 January

I think it's a false dichotomy to say that all women are either interested in rich men's money (gold-diggers) or actually love them for who they are (nice women). I think you can genuinely fall in love with someone and also appreciate that they have money.

(That isn't really the case for me - I'm dating a self-employed video game designer, so I guess I don't care about money that much! - but it does annoy me when I see men construct that false dichotomy about women.)

  • [-]
  • dsklerm
  • 1 Points
  • 22:01:08, 11 January

I don't think you're accounting for your own impression. There is a huge difference between "oh I run blood tests and help nurses" and "I'm a doctor". For one, you're immediately dismissing and reducing the impact of your own job when you downplay it like that. If you don't seem interested or engaged in it, why should they?

Also let's just be real. Being a doctor is the fucking tits. You save lives, you (potentially) are compensated for that in greater amounts than the average American, and you had to work very, very hard for a very, very long time to get where you are. It may not be the money that appeals to them, but being a doctor has it's societal benefits, as well as financial.

It's probably worth examining the type of women you're taking on dates too. My guess is your doctor status would get you a lot less further in a hipster dive bar than say... A swanky cocktail lounge.

If you're worried about your money being an issue you can seek out people who don't care about money and status. There are plenty of women out there who are less than impressed with your bank account, and who may actually find it unappealing. Status and stability are pretty awesome and appeal to a lot of people, but I don't think it's quite as big of a deal as you may think it is. There are a lot of variables in this equation, and money is just one of them.

  • [-]
  • tomatillosoup
  • 1 Points
  • 22:33:40, 11 January

Classifying a woman as a gold-digger because she's impressed by your job is jumping the gun. If these women are dating with the possibility of a long-term relationship in mind, with the potential for marriage and a family, then don't be surprised that they find your position attractive. Most people, male or female, don't want to settle down and make babies with deadbeats. They want a partner who can help support a family. You have a job with which you could definitely do that.

What are you referring to when you say they were "borderline bored/dispassionate/uninterested" before? Is there any confirmation bias at play? Do they seem to find you physically attractive?

  • [-]
  • Lordica
  • 1 Points
  • 21:53:44, 11 January

What you do is an important part of who you are. Find a woman that you like for who she is. Give the relationship time and don't be shy about cooling off any relationships that seem overly one sided.

  • [-]
  • empress-of-blandings
  • 1 Points
  • 21:57:02, 11 January

There are plenty of women who are just interested in money. But I've found that most guys who keep complaining about abd running into these girls tend to date s petticoat kind of women that tend more towards the "gold-digger" stereotype. Basically they tend to date girls based mostly off of her looks, not based on things like her own intellect, drive, and personality.

  • [-]
  • sacrosanct-snowflake
  • 1 Points
  • 21:58:51, 11 January

I think that it's appropriate to be cautious. However, being a doctor is something that is attractive for more than just the financial aspect. Doctors are known for being intelligent, hard-working, caring people who, yes, are able to support a family. And yes, there is a difference in the "impress" factor between a medical research assistant or a physician's assistant and a doctor, for all of the traits listed above.

There will be women (usually with less education and intelligence) who will hear the word "doctor" and automatically get excited that they're out with someone they consider to be super rich and smart. Other women (and probably the ones that are more appropriate for you) with similar levels of intelligence and education will merely like what being a doctor says about you, with the added bonus that you could financially support a family.

I would be cautious, but not paranoid. You chose a profession that is almost universally respected and admired. Not everyone who is excited by you being a doctor is only thinking about your money.

  • [-]
  • Russian_Surrender
  • 1 Points
  • 22:46:14, 11 January

I don't think you're paranoid at all, but you're probably exaggerating things by referring to these women as "gold diggers". Gold diggers are looking for multimillionaire internet moguls, not new doctors.

But most women are interested in marrying someone who gives them financial freedom. The ability to no work if they don't want to, stay home with the kids, travel, etc. That's what being a doctor offers these women. Most women aren't necessary looking for "rich" husband. But nearly all of them are looking for someone who can provide financial security independent of the woman's own earning ability.

  • [-]
  • fetishiste
  • 1 Points
  • 22:55:03, 11 January

In my experience, the reason people are so impressed by the D-word is primarily that it makes you appear clever, passionate, dedicated and reliable. Everyone knows how hard it is to become a doctor.

That said, if you're going on dates with people who barely seem interested in you, it still sounds like those are the wrong people to date.

  • [-]
  • LARISSATIME
  • 1 Points
  • 23:15:20, 11 January

I think you're being a little unfair if you expect women to NOT perk up when they realize you're a doctor. They're likely not thinking "I wasn't interested in this guy before but now I'm gonna marry him and then divorce him and take his money. HA HA!" They're probably more likely thinking "Wow, I thought this guy was hot and interesting and turns out he's a doctor too? This guy is amazing!" If you met a woman you liked and then found out that she was the #1 world champion at your favourite video game, or had a collection of super sweet vintage cars, or whatever your fancy is, wouldn't you be pumped too? (I know my analogy isn't great, but work with me here.)

Saying that you help run blood tests at the hospital is about as close to lying as you can get. These women probably think you're a porter or a lab-tech; not that there's anything wrong with that but as a medical professional myself (respiratory therapist) I know enough that you're obviously lying about your responsibilities with your faux shit-test. It would make be sad to see that you felt you couldn't be honest with me and had to be so subversive.

Money is important. I'm pumped to hear a potential partner has any job that will support him, essentially. Personally I'm not that down with dating doctors because I see what stressful lives they lead, the crazy shift work (worse than my shift work!) and how many are divorced. But if I met one (back when I was single) who I clicked with I'd obviously give him a chance.

I'm rambling, so TL;DR - Testing your dates by essentially lying to them is shady, and will likely put off a woman who actually cares about you as a person instead of just about your job. Ie: A woman who only cares about your money will forget that you shit-tested her; a woman who cares about your personality will be angry that your personality is the type to shit-test her. There are many women who will get excited to learn you are a doctor, that doesn't mean they all want you for your money, it means that a lot of them just respect you more for it and are happy that you are a great guy who also has a job with great prospects.

  • [-]
  • lemonylips
  • 1 Points
  • 22:34:32, 11 January

In my experience, most of the men who are really worried about gold diggers aren't rich enough to be giving a shit and just end up looking like paranoid narcissitic dbags.

  • [-]
  • jjscribe
  • 1 Points
  • 23:19:06, 11 January

Seriously, while I respect doctors... it's not exactly a rare profession.

  • [-]
  • NoClosets
  • 1 Points
  • 21:56:22, 11 January

Not at all. Even people who aren't considered wealthy (soldiers, for example) should watch out for gold diggers. There are lots of gold diggers out there looking for some poor fool to mooch off of.

But keep in mind, everyone uses everyone. That's what all relationships are. It's just a matter of what they use that person for. Money, status, sex, ego boost. You have a use in mind for those women too.

  • [-]
  • MahlerNinth
  • 1 Points
  • 22:42:17, 11 January

Ever seen this chart from the OKCupid trends blog? Income goes up, interest from women goes up at every age point.

I've dated some women who haven't given a shit, and others who clearly wanted my lifestyle and social status.