Asking "can I have sex with you?" (self.AskWomen)

{AskWomen}

222 ups - 67 downs = 155 votes

How appropriate is it to honestly ask this question after you have sensed that she is interested?

213 comments submitted at 13:27:37 on Jan 24, 2014 by anonymouss86

  • [-]
  • speedycat2014
  • 201 Points
  • 15:40:24, 24 January

"I want you so bad..." murmured during some kissing is much better.

  • [-]
  • FlanForThree
  • 53 Points
  • 16:06:41, 24 January

Yep I think this is the way to go. Some people are suggesting OP say "I want to fuck you" but that could go sour very quickly depending on the girl.

  • [-]
  • fromzeboro
  • 1 Points
  • 20:05:18, 24 January

Yeah imagine a super awkward guy saying that....omg no way jose. Now, the "I want you so bad"...mrmmm....

  • [-]
  • dsklerm
  • 32 Points
  • 16:40:17, 24 January

Yes! All parties tend to know what it means, and sometimes I'll throw a "fucking" in there ("I want you so fucking" bad" seems more like something I'd say) if things are really getting... Intimate. Generally it's either met with enthusiasm or a "let's slow down a bit" but neither reaction is bad, mainly because it tends to lead to a bigger and more important discussion of what were looking for physically and in each other personally. I haven't had any bad experiences regardless, just sometimes that conversation happens post sex, and sometimes it happens before, and sometimes the sex never happens. But it's generally a good way to start the conversation in my experience.

  • [-]
  • MargotteL
  • 14 Points
  • 17:07:21, 24 January

This is the best answer! I'm getting a bit turned on just reading it.

  • [-]
  • Ksong11
  • 1 Points
  • 19:00:26, 24 January

Yup, something like this. "Can I have sex with you" is an immediate turn off.

  • [-]
  • Canadian_in_Canada
  • 1 Points
  • 19:53:52, 24 January

I think "Shall we have sex" would be a better way of putting it. Still asking, but as a suggestion instead of sounding like it's a step away from almost begging. Said because "Can I..." is so often followed with "...please?" Besides, it's an implication of more of a shared act "we have sex" (which is always better) instead of someone doing it to someone else, which feels kind of one sided.

  • [-]
  • verxix
  • 1 Points
  • 20:18:33, 24 January

This sounds too prim and proper. "I want you so bad" is much more down to earth and complimentary.

  • [-]
  • Canadian_in_Canada
  • 1 Points
  • 20:23:53, 24 January

Right. No one says you have to say "shall." But "I want you so bad" is a statement. Which, if your lucky, will product the desired result of a reciprocal statement, and you're both off. But some people will hear that, and appreciate it as a compliment, and nothing more, and the situation might not progress. You want to say something that will move the other person to reply in (hopefully) the affirmative or (possibly) the negative. Statements don't always yield an answer.

  • [-]
  • ummusername
  • 1 Points
  • 20:54:44, 24 January

I'm sorry, but if my dude stopped midway and asked me "shall we have sex?" I might just burst out laughing. I couldn't take that seriously at all. From someone I hadn't ever had sex with it, it'd just be strange.

  • [-]
  • Canadian_in_Canada
  • 1 Points
  • 20:58:15, 24 January

As I said, it's not the words, it's the expression. Still asking, but in a shared way. Sometimes people are looking for a way to get a verbally expressed clear answer to the question, so they know where they stand.

  • [-]
  • AStandardAmerican
  • 1 Points
  • 19:48:01, 24 January

gonna try this in about 40 minutes

  • [-]
  • jtioannou
  • 1 Points
  • 20:09:08, 24 January

20 min to go. Let us know how it goes/doesn't go.

  • [-]
  • speedycat2014
  • 1 Points
  • 20:07:27, 24 January

Godspeed.

  • [-]
  • nevertruly
  • 257 Points
  • 13:32:41, 24 January

It makes it sound like sex is something you do to the other person rather than something you do together. "Would you like to have sex?" or something that asks what the other person wants would be a lot less awkward sounding to me.

Edited to add: I am assuming this is someone you are dating and wanting to move to the next level or someone you are interacting with and hoping to go home with/take home that evening and that there has been a lot of very close and flirtatious interaction. Randomly saying it to someone would be super weird.

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 116 Points
  • 13:36:32, 24 January

"Would you like to have sex?" Sounds much better.

  • [-]
  • Werchio
  • 27 Points
  • 17:20:12, 24 January

When I was dating my ex, we used to say "ready?" each time either of us wanted to have sex. It was a nice and harmless way to ask if the other wanted to have sex.

Ahhh... I miss those days :(

  • [-]
  • 4epuha
  • 1 Points
  • 18:30:27, 24 January

ready? :)

  • [-]
  • TuskenRaiders
  • 1 Points
  • 20:57:40, 24 January

OP is taking too long. Put me in coach!

  • [-]
  • _namaste
  • 1 Points
  • 18:45:30, 24 January

Aw. That's kind of sweet, I might have to steal it.

  • [-]
  • BlueBelleNOLA
  • 1 Points
  • 19:05:07, 24 January

My first boyfriend and I said "Hey, baby, wanna wrestle?"

I can't remember for the life of me where we picked that up.

  • [-]
  • poppyseedtoast
  • 1 Points
  • 20:09:56, 24 January

Lol I had a relationship where he said that too. "Wanna Wrassle?"

  • [-]
  • ummusername
  • 1 Points
  • 20:45:40, 24 January

I'm trying that with my boyfriend tonight, I love it.

  • [-]
  • twatzillawaffle
  • 1 Points
  • 19:27:30, 24 January

That's sweet! My boyfriend and I say "cuddle." If either of us texts the other that we can't wait to get home and cuddle, we know its on. Or at the end of an evening out we say "let's go home and cuddle." And if we're already home one of us will ask the other if they want to take a nap or go to bed and cuddle :)

  • [-]
  • Vooxie
  • 1 Points
  • 20:01:20, 24 January

Haha, this reminds me of something my boyfriend and I did for a little bit.

We've been dating a long time and I was reading up on how to keep our relationship "fresh." One of the suggestions was something along the lines of stating your "intentions" for your partner earlier in the day so that you're thinking about each other throughout the day and looking forward to seeing each other. (Don't remember the exact wording, but that was the idea...) Anyway, the way it was worded cracked us both up, so for a period of time we would text each other in the middle of the day saying, "I'm stating my intentions for you tonight." Funny enough, it actually worked pretty well, but we sort of dropped saying it like that because the joke had run it's course.

... And now I'm going to text him to telling him I'm "stating my intentions" for him. ;)

  • [-]
  • DA_Hall
  • 1 Points
  • 19:55:49, 24 January

I can't handle how ridiculously adorable that is.

  • [-]
  • ultimate_loser
  • 1 Points
  • 20:51:44, 24 January

An old ex and I used to call it "fighting crime", shamlessly stolen from Douglas Coupland.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 18:38:14, 24 January

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  • [deleted]
  • 92 Points
  • 15:19:21, 24 January

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  • [deleted]
  • 44 Points
  • 15:51:16, 24 January

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  • [deleted]
  • 16 Points
  • 15:51:51, 24 January

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  • [deleted]
  • 10 Points
  • 16:22:00, 24 January

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  • [-]
  • S1mplejax
  • 1 Points
  • 18:27:27, 24 January

"Can I have sex on you" I've heard is most preferred

  • [-]
  • njtrafficsignshopper
  • 1 Points
  • 18:38:56, 24 January

My friends and I used to actually try to come up with the funniest prepositions to use for this case.

Some of the best included "amongst," "despite," "alongside," and "betwixt."

  • [-]
  • S1mplejax
  • 1 Points
  • 18:46:30, 24 January

Hahahah I really got a kick out of "despite"...that hits hard

  • [-]
  • ummusername
  • 1 Points
  • 20:46:37, 24 January

"Betwixt" is awesome.

  • [-]
  • ofquartz
  • 1 Points
  • 20:18:59, 24 January

Sometimes my SO will semi-jokingly use "can I do a sex on you". So romantic.

  • [-]
  • micheesie
  • 1 Points
  • 19:13:39, 24 January

When my SO and I were in a freshly new relationship, we were making out hardcore.

I was afraid to ask so I was just dry humping him haha. Eventually he just asked "I'm sorry if this ruins the mood, but could I grab a condom? I'm sorry if this ruins the mood."

Nah, that's exactly what I wanted :P haha.

"Would you like to have sex?" -- I like that too. That's what we ask each other whenever we're in the mood.

  • [-]
  • aislinng
  • 13 Points
  • 17:56:05, 24 January

I have a bit of a different perspective on that. I would rather hear someone say 'I would like to have sex with you." If they asked me if I would like to have sex, I would have to answer the question and there is always pressure to answer a question positively. If the other person simply tells me what they are wanting/feeling then there is no obligation placed on me at all. I then have the freedom to respond any way I wish.

  • [-]
  • nevertruly
  • 1 Points
  • 18:04:47, 24 January

Completely fair. Personally, I'd rather be asked because I feel like the person is acknowledging that I will have a preference one way or the other and not just telling me what they want to do.

  • [-]
  • onlychildsyndrome
  • 4 Points
  • 17:38:40, 24 January

> something you do to the other person rather than something you do together.

It's a little bit of princess-syndrome + old-fashioned. But I kind of like the idea of that, it leaves me with the impression that the guy is going to put in work.

It's also dorkier sounding than "Would you like to have sex?" Which is so endearing.

  • [-]
  • Brostafarian
  • 1 Points
  • 18:50:54, 24 January

"I would like to have cake with you"

  • [-]
  • TimesWasting
  • 1 Points
  • 20:38:17, 24 January

I know this is probably sexist of me, especially because I 100% understand what you're saying. But the idea of having to be "careful of what you say around women" just doesn't sit right with me. As if women are these bombs that will go off at any second. I never hear anyone saying stuff like this about men, even though the same idea SHOULD apply.

Anyway, I completely agree with you, it sounds a lot better to make it seem like something you do together. Just a random though I had.

  • [-]
  • nevertruly
  • 1 Points
  • 20:42:00, 24 January

> I know this is probably sexist of me, especially because I 100% understand what you're saying. But the idea of having to be "careful of what you say around women" just doesn't sit right with me. As if women are these bombs that will go off at any second. I never hear anyone saying stuff like this about men, even though the same idea SHOULD apply.

Well, that's nice, but you may notice that I didn't say that you need to be careful what you say around women. I said asking as if sex is something you do to someone instead of something you do together is awkward to me and that I assume this is being said in context and not just to some random person. I don't see how that implies that women are bombs, but, you are welcome to your interpretation.

  • [-]
  • TimesWasting
  • 1 Points
  • 20:59:15, 24 January

You're right, you didn't say that. TBH it's just a combination of comments I've heard in other threads, and in other feminist spaces, and yours is just the one to make me comment. I just get this vibe that we should be "careful" of what we say around women, and I don't like that. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm new to feminism so I'm just learning. Thanks for replying and not insulting me, I love discussion and stuff like this just helps me learn.

  • [-]
  • Lyrad1002
  • -18 Points
  • 16:57:57, 24 January

Well, if she happens to not want it, even laying a hand on her is considered assault in the eyes of the law. Sex technically has to be a legal transaction arrived about through verbal contract these days.

  • [-]
  • nevertruly
  • 8 Points
  • 16:59:59, 24 January

I am not sure how that applies to my comment. Did you intend to reply to someone else?

  • [-]
  • Nievvein
  • 35 Points
  • 15:15:11, 24 January

Sounds like some sort of transaction and would turn me off.

  • [-]
  • Xilliah
  • 3 Points
  • 17:27:24, 24 January

Hey gurl can I have some kind of transaction with you? - sorry I'm not trans.

  • [-]
  • two_way_meter
  • 26 Points
  • 14:46:32, 24 January

I'm not sure what you mean by "sense she is interested," but if we are talking you two have been making out and it seems headed in that direction, I have been asked that in similar situations by guys and I didn't feel it was inappropriate.

At the time we didn't know each others' standards that well, and it hadn't been established where the evening was going officially, so I wasn't offended that they wanted to check with me before trying to pull my clothes off creepily.

I've heard it phrased more like "Are we going to have sex?" than your phrasing, because that makes it sound more like a team effort.

  • [-]
  • alysevator
  • 18 Points
  • 15:51:52, 24 January

Just say "I want you." and that way you'll have her consent given her response but it's also keeping with the mood and doesn't make it sound like sex is something you do to a girl instead of with a girl.

  • [-]
  • kidkvlt
  • 87 Points
  • 13:31:03, 24 January

It's not sexy.

  • [-]
  • gride9000
  • 29 Points
  • 15:10:45, 24 January

What about, "I want to fuck you right now." I've always found the sense of urgency exciting.

  • [-]
  • greychaos
  • 29 Points
  • 15:42:46, 24 January

That could also come off as way too much, depending on the context and situation.

  • [-]
  • Ninjatree
  • 22 Points
  • 16:47:30, 24 January

Ah yes, context and situation, the woes of my life.

  • [-]
  • gride9000
  • 4 Points
  • 16:43:29, 24 January

Like all advances.

  • [-]
  • boojieboy
  • 1 Points
  • 20:43:23, 24 January

This is the line I use, only I do it after a bout of pussy-eating. It usually works pretty effectively on my wife, if the sound HNGNGHGHH escaping her lips is any indicator.

  • [-]
  • Rainymood_XI
  • -1 Points
  • 17:19:44, 24 January

> What about, "I want to fuck you right now." I've always found the sense of urgency exciting.

Got arrested when I pulled this one at a playground! Hey! Not fair man!

  • [-]
  • CarrowCanary
  • 6 Points
  • 17:56:16, 24 January

I think it was the other thing you pulled out that got you arrested.

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 28 Points
  • 14:37:34, 24 January

Yeah...don't word it like this. It would sound better to say something like...Do you want to make love? or Do you want to have sex? If you and the person are close, and rather open with each other...it sounds sexy to say 'I really want to fuck you."

  • [-]
  • Creepthan_Frome
  • 79 Points
  • 15:02:29, 24 January

I can only speak for myself, but there are few phrases on earth that make me simultaneously laugh and cringe harder than "make love."

  • [-]
  • Indignant-one
  • 18 Points
  • 15:24:00, 24 January

Ditto. Especially if it's casual. It's like "lol I don't love you, I just want to fuck you"

  • [-]
  • TheSituasian
  • 12 Points
  • 15:35:22, 24 January

"ay baby wan sum fukk"

  • [-]
  • antsbeesandhoney
  • 1 Points
  • 20:51:49, 24 January

just sent this to bf --- did not work.

  • [-]
  • sunshinerf
  • 1 Points
  • 19:38:04, 24 January

My thoughts exactly. "Let's make love" is a turn off in my book, even if I do love the guy.

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 1 Points
  • 15:05:54, 24 January

Too bad. When I hear make love, I get all excited since I know it means I am going to be loved, pleasured and brought to the heights of ecstasy...nothing cringe worthy about that.

  • [-]
  • comfy_socks
  • 23 Points
  • 15:24:10, 24 January

I think "make love" should be used by somebody that I'm in love with. I'd cringe a little if it were someone who I didn't have those types of feelings for.

On the other hand, I don't like being told that I'm going to be "fucked".

My preferred way is to be told "I want you". It's not corny, its not vulgar, and it implies a sense of tenderness.

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 4 Points
  • 15:28:01, 24 January

make love should be used with a person you have loving feelings for, I agree. I would only make love/have sex with a person i truly cares about, so that explains my response.

  • [-]
  • comfy_socks
  • 3 Points
  • 15:40:04, 24 January

True. I meant it more in a way of like, a new relationship. For example, when my now husband and I first got together 7 years ago, I liked him, but didn't necessarily love him when we first had sex.

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 1 Points
  • 16:00:04, 24 January

Yes, I see what you mean. I agree with you.

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 3 Points
  • 15:28:24, 24 January

I want you is a good one.

  • [-]
  • S1mplejax
  • 1 Points
  • 18:33:31, 24 January

Dogophile29 we should make sweet sweet love... How's that make you feel... You like that? I don't know you.. You want that?

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 1 Points
  • 19:02:36, 24 January

Sounds great! I love the sweet, sweet love part...fingers crossed we live near each other...!!

  • [-]
  • ummusername
  • 1 Points
  • 20:59:28, 24 January

I definitely only reserve the phrase "make love" for when we're actually in love...I would not use it on a first encounter.

  • [-]
  • IClubSealsForJollies
  • 0 Points
  • 16:04:40, 24 January

Said Dogophile...

  • [-]
  • Dogophile29
  • 1 Points
  • 19:03:08, 24 January

yeah, you know it!!

  • [-]
  • Gluestick05
  • 42 Points
  • 13:31:21, 24 January

Are you talking about obtaining explicit verbal consent during intimacy, or are you talking about approaching a woman in a bar with this line?

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 15 Points
  • 13:40:08, 24 January

I guess most of times when you are in these situations, its always non verbal communication. Some people like me are not good at it and would like to explicitly ask. But I realize its not sexy and might be a turn off.

  • [-]
  • Gluestick05
  • 8 Points
  • 16:40:34, 24 January

Honestly, I would be fine with a new partner asking that. It's not the sexiest phrasing I can imagine, but I think it's more important to obtain consent that you feel comfortable with than to come up with the smoothest possible phrasing.

  • [-]
  • TheWindyCity
  • 5 Points
  • 18:00:21, 24 January

While explicit verbal consent may not be sexy it's better to be a little awkward then to end up accused of rape or sexual assault. This is even more important if either party is intoxicated

  • [-]
  • lokidemon731
  • 25 Points
  • 14:43:35, 24 January

Do it anyway? If they're turned off by the fact that you want to make sure ~~you're~~ they're ok with the act then idk man, maybe they shouldn't be having sex.

  • [-]
  • A_Google_User
  • 17 Points
  • 17:38:07, 24 January

This is also a step towards making verbal consent the norm and less of a turn-off. Besides, even when asked clumsily, consent has never been "a deal-breaker" in my experience.

  • [-]
  • chaoswife
  • 7 Points
  • 15:48:02, 24 January

Maybe say "you're so beautiful/sexy/etc. I want to have sex with you." I don't think that would be a turnoff for me.

  • [-]
  • blueberry_deuce
  • 1 Points
  • 18:03:21, 24 January

Tricky. "Want to have sex?" Sounds weird. "Lets make love" too mushy for first time. "Lets fuck" too vulgar. I would probably go with "lets do this.. Is it okay with you? Should I go grab a condom?" That gives you the explicit yes you're looking for, sounds polite and smooth.

  • [-]
  • okctoss
  • 1 Points
  • 18:41:35, 24 January

It is super, super socially awkward to word it like that. Just say, "should we move it to the bedroom?" or "should I get a condom?". There are like a million non-socially awkward ways to ask this.

  • [-]
  • blkdoutstang
  • 4 Points
  • 15:01:07, 24 January

You should ask this question in r/men too, to see what other guys do and how they know.

  • [-]
  • MessedupMakeup
  • 1 Points
  • 17:56:47, 24 January

It would be fine during foreplay etc. To someone you're hitting it off with at a bar or party it would be really odd.

  • [-]
  • Bonki_
  • 15 Points
  • 15:17:20, 24 January

That would be a total turnoff and cringe-inducing.

  • [-]
  • packfan17
  • 12 Points
  • 15:58:34, 24 January

It's doesn't convey confidence at all. Also, like someone said, sex is something you do with someone.. not TO someone.

  • [-]
  • alaska_jane
  • 57 Points
  • 14:21:11, 24 January

It's not sexy, at all. Saying, "I want to be inside of you" or "I want to fuck you" is not only glorifying to hear, but also very sexy.

  • [-]
  • wolf_firestorm
  • 22 Points
  • 14:59:59, 24 January

But then again could backfire completely if the woman doesn't share similar feelings. To me (as a guy) coming right out and asking if it's an option or not would be the best way.

  • [-]
  • alaska_jane
  • 15 Points
  • 15:06:07, 24 January

OP asked what to say if the woman was already interested. Obviously this tactic wouldn't work if there was no sign of interest or mixed signals.

  • [-]
  • Sinsible
  • 10 Points
  • 15:35:52, 24 January

Then again, this depends on whether op's 'senses' are correct

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 1 Points
  • 18:26:02, 24 January

This made me lol

  • [-]
  • LBrownBear
  • 2 Points
  • 17:56:31, 24 January

See, I feel the exact opposite of what you do— "I want to be inside of you" or "I want to fuck you" would be a major turn-off for me, but him asking nicely would be flattering and get me a little riled up.

  • [-]
  • mludd
  • 1 Points
  • 15:41:57, 24 January

> It's not sexy, at all.

I think this opinion is interesting because not only have I heard many women say that men should always do this and that body language et cetera is never enough, I've heard quite a few women say that laws should be changed so that "sex without explicit verbal consent" = rape.

I suspect there are two camps here.

  • [-]
  • jazja
  • 29 Points
  • 15:45:51, 24 January

I think the comment was about phrasing, specifically. That is, DO seek consent, DON'T do it in an awkward self-focussed ("can I have") way.

  • [-]
  • wormania
  • 4 Points
  • 17:06:53, 24 January

WTB full list of approved phrases

  • [-]
  • ebonycurtains
  • 11 Points
  • 16:04:31, 24 January

It's not about "be sexy" OR "get consent". You can be sexy (maybe "I really want to have sex with you") and still get consent in many ways (don't press her if she's clearly not interested after you've said that, ask her "is this okay" when you're getting down to it, ask her what she wants to do, whether she's enjoying what you're doing, etc etc.)

  • [-]
  • firefawkes23
  • 23 Points
  • 16:12:53, 24 January

"Is this okay?" is my personal favorite. It has an air of concern for the other person's well-being, it's quick, it isn't awkward.

  • [-]
  • Drabby
  • 12 Points
  • 16:20:36, 24 January

In fact, early in a relationship it makes my heart flutter. It implies, "I know I have power in this situation, but my first priority is that you are enjoying yourself"

  • [-]
  • firefawkes23
  • 5 Points
  • 16:28:07, 24 January

I totally agree, I find that it has similar connotations and causes similar reactions for me.

  • [-]
  • AlpacaLunchMMM
  • 1 Points
  • 18:56:43, 24 January

And can be combined with "I want you so bad" as mentioned elsewhere. Say that during the kissing/leading up period, then when things escalate further, quickly verify that things are still ok. Takes just a few seconds and doesn't kill the mood.

  • [-]
  • mludd
  • 3 Points
  • 16:19:30, 24 January

Yeah, I like that one though it did once bring things to a screeching halt with a girl who was very passive, to the point where I asked her if it was OK because it felt a bit like I was undressing a mannequin (didn't say that to her though). In that case it turned out to be that her idea of sex was as someone put it in a comment here, that sex was something a man does to a woman…

  • [-]
  • firefawkes23
  • 7 Points
  • 16:27:26, 24 January

It's possibly a good thing that it brought things to a screeching halt with her, then - I know I wouldn't want to contribute to someone continuing to view sex that way by having sex under those expectations...

  • [-]
  • fetishiste
  • 2 Points
  • 17:35:10, 24 January

Argh, I cannot have sex with passive people. It's turned me off a couple of women - you're right, you just feel like you have no idea whether they want it.

  • [-]
  • alaska_jane
  • 16 Points
  • 15:46:12, 24 January

This isn't a rape debate.

  • [-]
  • sexinthepark
  • 9 Points
  • 16:36:42, 24 January

true, but we are specifically talking about how to ask for consent.

  • [-]
  • mludd
  • 2 Points
  • 15:57:58, 24 January

I'm not trying to turn it into a rape debate.

I was just saying that when it comes to asking permission verbally before engaging in sexual activities I've heard plenty of people, most of them women, say that guys should most definitely ask for permission (not express desire, ask for permission).

By comparison, in this thread here it seems the idea of asking for permission is more of a turn-off (which is how I've also always seen it, it just seems so bureaucratic, like you're one step away from filling in a legally binding contract).

  • [-]
  • mmer
  • 6 Points
  • 17:02:02, 24 January

> in this thread here it seems the idea of asking for permission is more of a turn-off

Asking permission is weird to me. Asking if she's interested should be encouraged, and I'm pretty sure everyone is on board with that.

  • [-]
  • poesie
  • 7 Points
  • 16:20:58, 24 January

It's about HOW you say it. Wording, etc. 'Can I have sex with you,' sounds like a whiny kid.

  • [-]
  • sunshinerf
  • 1 Points
  • 19:46:08, 24 January

I don't know of any woman who would thing "Can I have sex with you?" is sexy. It's like asking her her "may I use your restrooms". Tell a woman you want her and see how she responds. Ask her if she wants to take it a bit further, or into the bedroom. Ask her "should I get a condom" (not a turn-on but makes intention clear without being awkward). Don't ask if you can have sex with her.

Women think sex without explicit verbal consent= rape? Seriously? If you are sober when things get hot and heavy, and you take your clothes off, let him in and enjoy yourself without saying a damn word in the process, you can't call it rape. I am not much of a talker when things get intimate and I can guarantee you my consent is made very very clear!

  • [-]
  • Bellegante
  • 1 Points
  • 20:51:33, 24 January

You're creating a disagreement where there is none. She's not said that you shouldn't make the request, but that the particular method of asking is flawed. I mean really, "Can I have sex with you?" At the very least change it to "Do you want to have sex" or "Can we have sex".

  • [-]
  • ilikesumstuff6x
  • 1 Points
  • 18:24:04, 24 January

I am assuming this would be the first time OP was having sex with this person so either of the two statements you put forth would make me so uncomfortable in that situation. I get what OP said isn't "Hot," but for the first time I'd rather just feel comfortable.

  • [-]
  • Xciv
  • -1 Points
  • 15:26:41, 24 January

Don't say it, whisper it in her ear.

  • [-]
  • alaska_jane
  • 14 Points
  • 15:40:06, 24 January

I am really tired of men asking us for advice, then saying "no do X instead - it works better".

  • [-]
  • Xciv
  • 4 Points
  • 15:48:36, 24 January

Woops didn't notice what subreddit I was in! Found random thread on all.

  • [-]
  • alaska_jane
  • 6 Points
  • 15:57:11, 24 January

I've done that a few times myself. No harm done.

  • [-]
  • coop72
  • 3 Points
  • 16:56:23, 24 January

In all fairness, the person who said to do "____" instead isn't the same person who asked for your advice

  • [-]
  • merv243
  • 3 Points
  • 16:22:18, 24 January

Well he is just adding on, not contradicting.

  • [-]
  • rhinecat
  • 8 Points
  • 14:59:30, 24 January

In addition to the good advice given here (do ask! But make it sound sexier!), remember that if you say something and it comes out absolutely ridiculous, you can always laugh it off.

Once I was with someone and we had a "Are those the panties your mother laid out for you?" type moment, like on Seinfeld, and while it was incredibly funny, we both laughed and then worked back around to finishing what we'd started. Things don't need to be embarrassing and moment-ruining unless you make them that way.

  • [-]
  • passwordsdonotmatch
  • 9 Points
  • 15:08:38, 24 January

Make foreplay out of it. Tell her you wanna hear her say exactly what she wants before she can have it. You get explicit consent AND dirty talk!

  • [-]
  • holyshitgametes
  • 9 Points
  • 15:51:48, 24 January

Verbally gauging a partner's interest=great.

Awkwardly asking for permission to do sex to her=not hot.

Both men and women can ask each other stuff like, "What do you want me to do to you?" "Do you want me to fuck you baby?" "Do you want me inside you/do you want to be inside me?" "Do you want to fuck?" "What would make you feel good right now/What would turn you on right now?"

  • [-]
  • GridReXX
  • 10 Points
  • 13:39:28, 24 January

Kills the mood for me.

  • [-]
  • Ejoneckis
  • 5 Points
  • 17:39:21, 24 January

Reminds me of "New Girl" The boy keeps saying stuff like "I'm going to unhook your bra. Do I have your permission?"

Just do what feels natural. If she wants it, she will put some effort in, too.

  • [-]
  • warholslittledreamer
  • 5 Points
  • 15:00:59, 24 January

For me, just because of the way the question was asked, the answer would basically be no unless it were someone I've already been intimate with in that way. I agree with what nevertruly said. Her phrasing is better.

  • [-]
  • MissDiagnosisNY
  • 4 Points
  • 17:21:01, 24 January

Completely appropriate.

Also virtually guaranteed to be a failure.

  • [-]
  • searedscallops
  • 14 Points
  • 13:40:20, 24 January

"Can I have sex with you?" sounds whiny and weird. But I get that you want to have enthusiastic consent. Reword the statement, like, "Unf, I want to fuck you" or "Let's bone! What say you?"

  • [-]
  • NordicLion
  • 5 Points
  • 15:36:54, 24 January

Doesn't "Let's bone! What say you?" have a little Thor-ish ring to it? I like it, but I just wanted to point it out!

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 5 Points
  • 13:42:47, 24 January

Do you feel that it is more appropriate to say "I want to fuck you?"

  • [-]
  • vesnapukanic
  • 10 Points
  • 13:44:44, 24 January

It depends entirely on your relationship with the person. If it's someone you're seeing regularly or have had sex with before, then it at least comes off a bit better than "can I have sex with you". Obviously there are much better ways to phrase it like "I want to make love to you."

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 2 Points
  • 13:49:54, 24 January

This is the first time I'm about to have sex with her.

  • [-]
  • Chamois_Cream
  • 9 Points
  • 16:00:21, 24 January

Asking to have sex with someone for the first time could sound very desperate and could be an instant turn off.
If she is really into you, i.e. lots of making out and wandering hands, then a more subtle approach would probably work better.
If you're out on a date and it's going well (hopefully with some kissing and/or touching) then try something like "Lets go back to mine/yours!", or simply invite her around to see your place and take it from there.

  • [-]
  • ShesGotSauce
  • 3 Points
  • 15:44:38, 24 January

Yes.

  • [-]
  • searedscallops
  • 1 Points
  • 13:53:11, 24 January

It depends on the personalities of the people involved. For me, it would be an awesome statement. For other women, it would be crude and insulting. You know your audience better than we do.

  • [-]
  • anonymouss86
  • 3 Points
  • 16:21:50, 24 January

So it seems that it is not wise to ask this question. You are better off being subtle about it and make your moves. What kind of moves? I don't know.

I'm very inexperienced person when it comes to these matters, hence the question.

  • [-]
  • halomomma
  • 3 Points
  • 17:32:38, 24 January

When I was approached in this situation he asked if I was into casual sex. I said I was down then he suggested a place to go. We then commenced with sexing. So, it comes off more subtle as it gives her a the chance to say yes or no with much less awkwardness. So I think for the moves, it's suggesting something like, lets go to my place, or whatever is appropriate in the situation and then go in for the kiss and go from there. My 2 cents anyway.

edit: I assumed this was for a non relationship situation because I was a slutty slutterson :>

  • [-]
  • peppermind
  • 1 Points
  • 18:46:27, 24 January

Asking is good, asking that particular question is not. Something simple like "Should I get a condom?" during an intense makeout session gives her a chance to consent or not in a way that's much less awkward.

  • [-]
  • lazybarista
  • 4 Points
  • 16:55:37, 24 January

That sounds like such a pathetic thing to say.

  • [-]
  • fetishiste
  • 3 Points
  • 17:33:49, 24 January

When you say "sensed that she is interested", are you talking about someone you're already dating, or a new potential sex partner? If it's the latter, for goodness' sake start with something about kisses, don't rush straight to sex.

  • [-]
  • rokas_m
  • 1 Points
  • 18:20:03, 24 January

how about "i want to fuck you hard on the sink" ?

  • [-]
  • AtlasRaps
  • 1 Points
  • 20:15:21, 24 January

AFTER THAT GIVE YOU SOMETHIN TO DRINK

  • [-]
  • EmptyAndFrantic
  • 8 Points
  • 13:33:15, 24 January

I mean, I don't know how appropriate or inappropriate it is, but it's definitely a huge turn-off.

  • [-]
  • screenmagnet
  • 3 Points
  • 13:40:15, 24 January

Depends. Have we had sex before? Are we in a relationship? Are we about to have sex? Are we in public or private?

  • [-]
  • Creepthan_Frome
  • 3 Points
  • 15:03:51, 24 January

If you've gotten to a level of intimacy that would make interest completely transparent, I'd say you should wait until you've been fooling around, and then ask "do you want to have sex?"

If yes, proceed. If no, not a big deal, you're still fooling around.

  • [-]
  • grotesque_gertie
  • 1 Points
  • 15:34:38, 24 January

100% appropriate. Consent from a woman is necessary in any mature sexual relationship. This can grow into a really satisfying sex life if you are able to keep that line of communication open and ask things like "are you interested in x? would you like to try x? does this feel good?" The most important part of this of course is respecting her when she says yes and no. Just as you wouldn't want her doing something with you that you said you weren't interested in!

  • [-]
  • ManiacalMalapert
  • 2 Points
  • 15:57:07, 24 January

The first time I had sex with my SO I got his consent. I definitely felt like I was the one who pushed for us to hop in bed. When I put my hands in his shirt to take it off, I looked him smack in the eye and said "are you sure you're okay with this? I can wait if you're not."

8 months later and we're still dating, so I'd say it worked out well.

  • [-]
  • benjimusprime
  • 3 Points
  • 16:23:32, 24 January

mmmm like one step away from can I have sex at you?

  • [-]
  • mobscura
  • 2 Points
  • 17:08:28, 24 January

I dunno, can you?

  • [-]
  • adelie42
  • 2 Points
  • 17:23:45, 24 January

Now I am much more of a "You got me so hot I just want to fuck your brains out!" kind of person, but super nervous early 20's me, in a hot extended make out session, would ask "should I get a condom?"

Of course context and timing are important, but never got a "no".

  • [-]
  • K-braithwaite
  • 1 Points
  • 18:14:43, 24 January

It sound like she is granting you a favour rather than participating in something you both enjoy. I'd definitely say no, regardless of the situation, because it just sounds kinda sleazy. Can 'we' have sex, 'I want you so bad', I can't wait to get you home; there's so many better ways to phrase this.

  • [-]
  • ilikesumstuff6x
  • 1 Points
  • 18:29:20, 24 January

People in this thread are saying it's a huge turn off so I may be an outlier, but I wouldn't mind this question. I've been asked it a lot and it gives me room to say "I'm not ready yet" if that's the case. After the first time/first few times with this person I'd aviod the "can I have sex with you?" and move to an "I want you," or something similar. (I assumed this was you first time having sex with a person you want to continue dating, if this isn't the case ignore everything I said)

*obligatory everyone is different, feel it out statment"

  • [-]
  • vodkagatorade
  • 1 Points
  • 18:53:32, 24 January

Literally using those words? Weird always. I don't really want a guy to ask permission... I'd rather him just say he wants to if he's going to be that upfront about it and not just let it happen.

  • [-]
  • Dinosarah
  • 1 Points
  • 19:07:22, 24 January

It depends on how heated it is. An "I want you so bad" can be a more gentle way, especially if it is your first time with someone serious. A "please get on me"/"I want you in me" is great if you are closer and it's heated, and all the options involving fuck are great if your basically on top of one another already.

  • [-]
  • fizzyspells
  • 1 Points
  • 19:24:43, 24 January

MAY WE ENGAGE IN COITUS

  • [-]
  • shebefierce
  • 1 Points
  • 20:12:30, 24 January

I would much prefer, "Would you like to have sex?" or even just the guy asking if he should get a condom. The wording in your title makes it sound as though I'm not an active participant.

  • [-]
  • cattata
  • 1 Points
  • 20:16:55, 24 January

My preferred request for sex is: "You know these pants can come off any time you want." 98% of the time, they want them off now.

  • [-]
  • bumvirtuoso
  • 1 Points
  • 20:22:19, 24 January

Trying to have sex a women is like handling nitroglycerin. One wrong move and it's all over. You'll never hear a guy say "Yeah, I was fooling around with Debbie when she asked if she could have sex with me. It was really off-putting and unsexy, so obviously we didn't."

  • [-]
  • chickensoup1
  • 1 Points
  • 18:42:27, 24 January

"Ay bby u wan sum fuk" always works

  • [-]
  • radowr
  • 1 Points
  • 19:42:09, 24 January

60% of the time it works all the time

  • [-]
  • Xerlyph
  • 7 Points
  • 15:59:22, 24 January

me: "Would you like to have sex?"

girl: "Sure!"

me: ...

girl: ...

me: "..With me?"

girl: "no srry i has bf"

  • [-]
  • GodChild7890
  • 1 Points
  • 14:58:24, 24 January

I think it's fine if all you're looking for is a fuck buddy (I'm assuming you're in the early stages of a relationship). But if she isn't interested in just sex, she'd probably be really turned off. Also, as already mentioned, I would definitely phrase it differently.

  • [-]
  • toxik0n
  • 1 Points
  • 16:56:58, 24 January

Sounds weird to me. I'd rather just have things flow naturally. Make her a nice dinner, touch her subtly throughout the night, smile, give her a back rub, slowly progress things to kissing and more touching (if she's into it), then go from there. Maybe you should check out some posts on /r/sex to get more detailed ideas on how to progress things naturally if you're inexperienced.

  • [-]
  • mynameisabby
  • 1 Points
  • 17:33:36, 24 January

It just sounds awkward. Maybe hinting at it would be a little bit better.

  • [-]
  • ButtsexEurope
  • 1 Points
  • 19:22:24, 24 January

I think that would be really awkward. Sex isn't really a process. It kind of just happens if the mood is right. That's why we use the baseball metaphor. You could just start making out and slowly put your hand on her boob and see if she's receptive.

  • [-]
  • noodlemonkey
  • 1 Points
  • 20:24:09, 24 January

First time I was ever really around my SO he just asked "is it ok if i sleep close to you?" I said yes, then he told me that i need to tell him if anything he does ever makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then again I was pretty much begging him to do me by the time he agreed, but still. That was the dialogue between us.

  • [-]
  • ummusername
  • 1 Points
  • 20:48:49, 24 January

I think it's important to ask, but maybe not like that. My boyfriend usually says "I want you so bad...." but continues fooling around with me for a while. At some (slightly) later point, he pauses slightly or slows down whatever he's doing and whispers, "what do you want?"

"YOU" is my answer every time.

  • [-]
  • usernme6516516
  • 1 Points
  • 20:50:28, 24 January

there was a guy and I, New Years Eve, juniors in college, we made out all night, got all hot and heavy. He was a friend of ours who attended an out of state school. After everyone stumbled back to our house, he and I making out in my bed, He whispered into my ear 'should we go any further' I said 'I probably shouldn't.' In all honestly I'd have loved to but I prolly would have passed out during. It wouldn't of been a sexual encounter to write home about. He was wasted too, had a girlfriend in Spain from his study abroad semester. It was also the last day of my period, I don't wear tampons or pads on those days. I didn't really want to explain the state of my vagina to someone I hadn't even kissed yet before that night. We spooned all night, everyone went to a cafe for coffee in the morning. Super fun NYE overall.

  • [-]
  • decent__username
  • 1 Points
  • 20:58:03, 24 January

wheres the guy that was "going to try this in 40 minutes" ?

  • [-]
  • DrinkVictoryGin
  • 2 Points
  • 15:12:55, 24 January

This may be an unpopular opinion (meme implied) but, as with prices, if you have to ask the answer is no. What I mean is that, for me it kills the moment. And probably, upon further reflection, the only guys who have ever asked, the answer was already a resounding NO from the start. I'm not sure about cause and effect, here, but yeah. No.

  • [-]
  • heroescomeandgo
  • 1 Points
  • 18:38:55, 24 January

In my experience, it usually goes down like this. You're making out, you're in bed, clothes are coming off. If you're both naked, and she spreads her legs, chances are they want some sex. Sometimes they'll ask for it. Other times, you just have to kind of interpret the situation and her reaction. It's really not about asking for a question, sorry.

  • [-]
  • anonrateme
  • -1 Points
  • 16:07:22, 24 January

Maybe its just me but asking is way awkward. Use your moves and if she reciprocates youre good. Woman will tell you if your going to far.

  • [-]
  • I-baLL
  • 0 Points
  • 17:05:24, 24 January

"Do you want to bang with me like an old car engine backfiring and desperately trying not to fail?"

  • [-]
  • WHYSKY
  • -2 Points
  • 16:37:33, 24 January

NEVER EVER ask for persmission like that. It sounds like you are begging her to do you a favour.

And you almost never get to the "lets fuck stage" before kissing, so start by making out and feeling her up, take hints. If she pushes your hands off when you approach private zones then she's most likely not ready to have sex.

If she's ok with it and reprociate it then you simply start undressing her, that is if you are at home of course or at her place. If you are at a bar or something just say "Let's head to my place" or whatever.

Sometimes on the way to your place (usually you walk if you met at a bar) things can "die down" a bit, so try to keep up the kissing and cuddling on the way home. Lean her up against the wall of some buildings etc. to keep the sexual tension going. Whisper into her ear and so on.

I cannot really remmeber any situation where I have asked the girl "ey do you want to bone?" even if i'm single and want a new frieends with benefits girl it's never like "ey do you want to come over and fuck?" it's more like we start discussing sex in general and it leads to "Ok, my place 9 pm ;)?"

  • [-]
  • Brozekial
  • -5 Points
  • 15:25:31, 24 January

I've never once witnessed a blatant offer get accepted by a female.

Granted, I don't really hang around places with people who'd be inclined to accept. Like bars, clubs, or...brothels.

  • [-]
  • mmer
  • 7 Points
  • 17:07:53, 24 January

> a female

This might be part of your problem!

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -4 Points
  • 15:37:03, 24 January

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • packfan17
  • 5 Points
  • 16:05:12, 24 January

This isn't a serious question, is it?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -3 Points
  • 16:25:29, 24 January

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Ninjatree
  • 3 Points
  • 16:58:50, 24 January

Get mom to sign as witness.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 17:06:41, 24 January

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Ninjatree
  • 3 Points
  • 17:11:04, 24 January

Your opinion is so far out of the normal distribution that it is impossible to take your comment seriously.

I believe that you are trolling or just cynical.

  • [-]
  • holyshitgametes
  • 4 Points
  • 16:02:20, 24 January

It depends what you mean by, "good idea." I'm not sure it would ever really help either party in the end, and since it's not a social norm, most women would undoubtedly find it strange and suspicious but it's your sex life so if it makes you more comfortable you can ask for written consent if you want.

While you might feel that it would help defend you against false rape allegations later, I would worry that it could be used to try to deny actual rape allegations later; embolden someone to assault me because he had written "evidence" that the sex was consensual. Also, an intoxicated person to a point can still sign their name so it wouldn't be proof that legal consent had been given. I'm not sure if such a consent form would hold up in court situations.

Up to you in the end really.

  • [-]
  • firefawkes23
  • 4 Points
  • 16:16:02, 24 January

I think you've hit the point: it seems unlikely to actually help in the case of future rape allegations, since there could easily be mitigating circumstances and since consent can always be revoked. It's also so far outside of social norms that it would give most people pause.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -1 Points
  • 16:15:30, 24 January

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • holyshitgametes
  • 2 Points
  • 16:39:27, 24 January

Obvious troll is obvious, but your original question is a reasonable one to discuss.

  • [-]
  • packfan17
  • 1 Points
  • 17:20:05, 24 January

Since I can't reply to your original comment because you deleted it... No I'm not a red piller or ultra feminist. I think that asking for written consent serves no purpose. Maybe she wants to have sex with you... Then in the midst of it happening, she decides she doesn't. Having written consent clearly doesn't justify that you keep going anyway.