My rapist is a feminist (rant) (tw: rape) (self.SRSWomen)

65 ups - 9 downs = 56 votes

So about a year back I was just starting to get hardcore into social justice issues and was feeling really lonely because I wanted to talk about them to everybody but I didn't know anyone who was very informed about them and most of my attempts at meaningful discussion with my friends got derailed hard and fast. Then I met this guy who seemed to get everything I'd been immersing myself in and who actually apparently enjoyed listening to me rant about privilege and whatever. I had never met anyone like this before, and I was a pretty trusting/naive 19-year-old girl, so even though I wasn't particularly attracted to him, I got involved with him extremely quickly. We slept together for the first time within 24 hours of meeting and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few days after that.

He was crazy clingy from the beginning, which maybe should have thrown up some red flags, and was trying to get me to tell him I loved him less than 2 weeks later, which should have thrown up even more. He also confessed to sleeping with at least 80 women (at the age of 20). He smelled a little weird sometimes, was 5 inches shorter than me, wasn't even that great in bed, and—oh yeah—gave me chlamydia a few weeks in from a previous partner.

Rereading what I just wrote, it sure sounds like a trainwreck already, and my friends were certainly bemused at my taste, but you have to understand that my major motivation in staying with him was that I truly didn't believe there was anyone else who would be willing to listen to my feminist opinions without excess eye-rolling. He was very vocal about issues that mattered to me, and that cancelled out everything I found irritating about him simply by virtue of (in my perception) its rarity.

So I rolled with it for a while. Then one night I woke up and found him having sex with me in my sleep. I immediately freaked out, and he tried to convince me that he'd thought I was awake because I'd 'helped' him (I woke up with both hands under my face and have no history of sleep-sex with anyone I've slept in the same bed with, even long-term partners). Then he tried to convince me that it wasn't a big deal and I was overreacting, making him the real victim. After that, I couldn't even stand to have him touch me—it made my skin crawl. I'm ashamed to say, though, that I didn't break up with him for another week after that.

This was a year ago, and emotionally I'm totally past it. What really disturbs me, though, is his continued outspoken feminism. His tumblr is like 60% sj-related material and all his social media profiles repeatedly emphasize what a good feminist he is and how important it is to him and it makes me sort of sick. I have a hard time believing that having slept with 80+ women all his other sexual experiences have been consensual. Also, for reasons unknown, he now refers to me as his 'abusive ex' (haha). I'm not sure if he's living in a bubble of denial or if he's actively cultivating this image of 'perfect feminist ally' in order to get close to more girls like me. It literally never would have occurred to me last year that someone might use feminism as a way to prey on women, but since then I have met other men who use similar modus operandi to manipulate & sleep with women. It really, really creeps me out. He never admitted to raping me. For all I know, he truly doesn't think he did (even though I explicitly used the word 'rape' when confronting him about it), which is in a lot of ways even more disturbing.

So how am I supposed to trust anybody? Like damn, I try to avoid getting too close to shitlordy folks but now I find myself suspicious even of people who spout feminist rhetoric on the daily. I dunno. It just really creeps me out that people like him exist at all. You know?

Sorry for the novella. I just needed to get that out somewhere. Yall ladies keep on being great.

16 comments submitted at 05:18:14 on Jul 14, 2013 by maran

  • [-]
  • skippinkate
  • 23 Points
  • 06:27:05, 14 July

I'm no expert on anything, but is he still running around having non-consensual sex with other women?
I was coerced 2 years ago on my 18th birthday during an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who had similar tactics and not a day goes by where it hasn't affected the way I have to think about things and the way I feel about the people around me- and coercion isn't nearly as physically violating as rape is, I feel.
The thing that bothers me most is that I have no idea how many other women he is manipulating. And I can't really put him in jail for it-apparently coercion isn't very widely recognized for almost understandable reasons.
Have you considered taking legal action?

  • [-]
  • maran
  • 14 Points
  • 07:22:58, 14 July

I haven't seriously considered it because it's such a murky situation (as in "he said/she said" kinda deal) and as I have no way of proving anything, I've waited a year to speak up, & was in an ongoing sexual relationship at the time it's more likely to be interpreted as a 'misunderstanding' or whatever. I also have no evidence that he has sexually assaulted anyone else. Ultimately it would take a lot of time and emotional investment for me into something that probably wouldn't yield much good for anyone. Plus I would really just like to distance myself from him as much as possible at this point.

  • [-]
  • princess-misandry
  • 18 Points
  • 07:43:33, 14 July

have you thought about anonymous/third party reports? in canada you can file a report (basically filling out a file) and it won't go investigated unless the assailant matches other ongoing investigations, in which case what you have filed becomes supplementary evidence.

  • [-]
  • maran
  • 10 Points
  • 07:57:04, 14 July

Oh I wasn't aware of this! Do you know if there's anything similar in the US?

  • [-]
  • princess-misandry
  • 7 Points
  • 16:46:37, 14 July

i honestly do not know. i've done a few google searches but it seems every state has a different take on anonymous reporting?

if you contact rape relief support services they should be able to point you in the right direction.

  • [-]
  • skippinkate
  • 5 Points
  • 17:40:41, 14 July

I understand as much as I can without being in that exact situation. Sending love your way. I'm so sorry that you had to experience this.

  • [-]
  • mMelatonin
  • 16 Points
  • 09:16:00, 14 July

That's really awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. If he had really truly thought you were awake, I doubt his reaction would have been to get offended by your being upset. A good person would be devastated and apologetic for doing such a thing unknowingly. Your ex's reaction just makes it more obvious that he knew he was raping you :(

  • [-]
  • maran
  • 5 Points
  • 23:57:20, 14 July

the thing that really really creeps me out is that I'm a super sound sleeper & I'm afraid he thought he could get away with it because he had done it before without my knowing :(

  • [-]
  • beezindatrapp
  • 16 Points
  • 12:20:36, 14 July

this guy sounds like the kind of creep who pretends to be interested in feminism to get sex.

  • [-]
  • hotfruitcup
  • 6 Points
  • 23:55:57, 14 July

I wouldn't doubt if this were the case. I once heard some guy say that he dated girls who were into social justice because he thought they were "easy".

  • [-]
  • voteknope
  • 15 Points
  • 15:29:40, 14 July

First of all, that's such a huge betrayal of trust for you, I'm sorry that happened. Especially considering what you expressed about how important it was for you to have someone to intimately share your feminism with. Recently a feminist (female) friend of mine and I had a conversation about some of our prior sexual interactions, and how truly non-consensual they were. We got to the point where it was just a back and forth about how freaking frustrating it was that these guys didn't even KNOW the damage they had inflicted, because society is full of a bunch of rape culture perpetuating bullshit that "nice guys" buy into all the time. As a result of our conversation, my feminist friend confronted the former sex partner that had violated her. She wanted her rapist to know very clearly what he had done to her, and how it made her feel. Of course he didn't take it well, and of course it resulted in an enormous fight, but she walked away with a lighter conscience knowing that this guy would go the rest of his life knowing that someone has labeled him (correctly) as a rapist. I personally found it unsafe and impractical to do the same for myself.

But the TL;DR point, is that whether it's confronting him, venting to us, to friends, doing whatever you need to: it's important and I respect it a lot. I read your story and I identify your ex as a rapist, too. I'm glad you seem to be doing okay, and I hope all of us are able to find those truly feminist sex partners out there somewhere (and I'm just trying to get laid, so it'd be cool to find those x100 over). Interent hugs :)

  • [-]
  • princess-misandry
  • 10 Points
  • 07:44:53, 14 July

shit, that's rough.

he sounds so fake and so dangerous. I'm sorry you had to deal with him.

  • [-]
  • fuckeverythingever
  • 3 Points
  • 20:14:47, 14 July

Call the fucker out and get him outed.

  • [-]
  • armilla
  • 4 Points
  • 19:04:38, 14 July

This is why I unfortunately don't trust a lot of self-identified feminists who are guys :( Heard too many of these stories.

  • [-]
  • TheRaggedQueen
  • 3 Points
  • 20:15:03, 14 July

This seems pretty fitting, sadly.

  • [-]
  • maran
  • 3 Points
  • 23:03:02, 14 July

Ha yup that's pretty accurate. Love me some new-era Sinfest.