My rapist is a feminist (rant) (tw: rape) (self.SRSWomen)
65 ups - 9 downs = 56 votes
So about a year back I was just starting to get hardcore into social justice issues and was feeling really lonely because I wanted to talk about them to everybody but I didn't know anyone who was very informed about them and most of my attempts at meaningful discussion with my friends got derailed hard and fast. Then I met this guy who seemed to get everything I'd been immersing myself in and who actually apparently enjoyed listening to me rant about privilege and whatever. I had never met anyone like this before, and I was a pretty trusting/naive 19-year-old girl, so even though I wasn't particularly attracted to him, I got involved with him extremely quickly. We slept together for the first time within 24 hours of meeting and he asked me to be his girlfriend a few days after that.
He was crazy clingy from the beginning, which maybe should have thrown up some red flags, and was trying to get me to tell him I loved him less than 2 weeks later, which should have thrown up even more. He also confessed to sleeping with at least 80 women (at the age of 20). He smelled a little weird sometimes, was 5 inches shorter than me, wasn't even that great in bed, and—oh yeah—gave me chlamydia a few weeks in from a previous partner.
Rereading what I just wrote, it sure sounds like a trainwreck already, and my friends were certainly bemused at my taste, but you have to understand that my major motivation in staying with him was that I truly didn't believe there was anyone else who would be willing to listen to my feminist opinions without excess eye-rolling. He was very vocal about issues that mattered to me, and that cancelled out everything I found irritating about him simply by virtue of (in my perception) its rarity.
So I rolled with it for a while. Then one night I woke up and found him having sex with me in my sleep. I immediately freaked out, and he tried to convince me that he'd thought I was awake because I'd 'helped' him (I woke up with both hands under my face and have no history of sleep-sex with anyone I've slept in the same bed with, even long-term partners). Then he tried to convince me that it wasn't a big deal and I was overreacting, making him the real victim. After that, I couldn't even stand to have him touch me—it made my skin crawl. I'm ashamed to say, though, that I didn't break up with him for another week after that.
This was a year ago, and emotionally I'm totally past it. What really disturbs me, though, is his continued outspoken feminism. His tumblr is like 60% sj-related material and all his social media profiles repeatedly emphasize what a good feminist he is and how important it is to him and it makes me sort of sick. I have a hard time believing that having slept with 80+ women all his other sexual experiences have been consensual. Also, for reasons unknown, he now refers to me as his 'abusive ex' (haha). I'm not sure if he's living in a bubble of denial or if he's actively cultivating this image of 'perfect feminist ally' in order to get close to more girls like me. It literally never would have occurred to me last year that someone might use feminism as a way to prey on women, but since then I have met other men who use similar modus operandi to manipulate & sleep with women. It really, really creeps me out. He never admitted to raping me. For all I know, he truly doesn't think he did (even though I explicitly used the word 'rape' when confronting him about it), which is in a lot of ways even more disturbing.
So how am I supposed to trust anybody? Like damn, I try to avoid getting too close to shitlordy folks but now I find myself suspicious even of people who spout feminist rhetoric on the daily. I dunno. It just really creeps me out that people like him exist at all. You know?
Sorry for the novella. I just needed to get that out somewhere. Yall ladies keep on being great.
16 comments submitted at 05:18:14 on Jul 14, 2013 by maran