From answering questions to asking one of my own. Need some advice here, men. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

13 ups - 5 downs = 8 votes

I know this looks long as fuck but I'm courteous enough to have written a tldr version as well as a detailed version. Please don't run away because you see 50 paragraphs below you.

Most of you probably see me frequenting this sub answering questions, more often than not relationship based questions. Now /r/askmen I turn to you for advice and despite my public disdain for relationship topics I know and trust this community more than the other subs - so here goes. I'll post a detailed version below but just as a general courtesy I will also post a brief description of my situation.

The brief version: I've been talking to a woman for about a week and a half and we click. We share views on relationships, she's hot and she's sexually attracted to me. She never initiates conversation, but when I do she's always more than willing to talk. We've established we want to meet for a date and she has seemed enthusiastic about it, however the last text I sent she didn't reply to, it was asking what she'd like to do on this date. It's been 2 days now. Do I give up at this point? Do I take it as her losing interest or something? Do I text her again? If you want more context please read below.

The long..ish version:

I posted a thread in /r/askwomen but I'll be damned, it was deleted for "seeking relationship advice". The context of the thread was asking why women seem to refuse to text first. My question is what to do in this situation and I know the general attitude towards relationship posts here so believe me I wouldn't be asking if I had an idea of what to do.

I've been talking back and forth with multiple women lately thanks to the recently installed app, Tinder. I figured I'd give it a try, why not? It's based on attraction to each other (for the most part) but on a very simple scale - I figured it was worth a try and to my surprise I got multiple matches. I of course initiated conversations with the ones I was interested in pursuing and I quickly found one girl I had clicked with. The rest didn't seem to click well with me, we either had different views on relationships, they broke some of my deal breakers, or they just couldn't hold a conversation to save their life. It happens, right?

As I always do when talking to a potential romantic interest I began getting to know this girl, and figuring out the important things. What she wants out of a relationship, what kind of relationship she wants, and most important finding out if any of my deal breakers have been met so I can nope the fuck out if need be. So far it's been perfect, we share very similar ideals and both want the same thing. She's an exact match for me. We've texted back and forth for 2 weeks now and she's totally into it. She talks about an ideal date with me wanting to just stay in and have a couple drinks, some dinner, and cuddle up on the couch which is amazing to me because she isn't one of those women who expect expensive dinners and such (I've read some horror stories on here). She comes off as just genuinely wanting to spend time with me. I'll cut to the reason I'm posting, and the question I have for you.

2 days ago we were just talking as we normally do, it has become natural for us to text every day albeit not from sunrise to sunset. We were having a normal conversation, just shooting the shit and flirting some around 1130 pm. It was going well but she didn't reply to something I had said. It was just a general statement, nothing that would make her go "ick, this Arcturus guy is creepy not talking to him anymore" or anything along those lines. She didn't reply, and I figured maybe she just fell asleep which is cool. I gave it ~10 minutes and decided to shoot her one more text asking what she'd like to do on this date we were talking about earlier that night. As I mentioned she is completely fine with just staying in and spending quality time with me, however I just wanted to let her know I was open to taking her out as well so I said something along the lines of "When we get together did you still want to stay in, or possibly go out?" - harmless, right? Well she didn't reply. I chalked it up to her just falling asleep and expected a reply in the morning. Well morning turned to afternoon which turned into evening which turned into 2 full days later. No reply.

I'm always initiating texts with her, some of the women at AW mentioned they don't like coming off as clingy so they just don't do it. That's fine and dandy but the way things were left she just stopped talking to me and having asked her a question the ball is in her court now, correct? I don't want to be the one always talking first. She flat out ignored my text and I don't know if I should pursue this now or leave it be. I feel like I should be hopeful for at least another day or two and if she doesn't say anything back I should just move on. Alternatively I could shoot her a quick, harmless message asking how she's doing and if she's still interested in going out, right? Not pushing any boundaries or anything there?

I know she is a busy girl and I could justify her not replying with that, but part of me feels like she just instantly lost interest or something, and I mean split second. One second she's flirting with me, we're having a great conversation and next thing I know nothing, radio silence. I'm genuinely confused.

Fuck it's a lot more difficult asking these things than it is taking the time to answer problems here.

If you read the long version, you're a gentleman and I applaud you. +1 respect and I hope to get some idea as to what I should do. I think I've covered all the details, and I know it's long, and I know I hate reading long posts but I feel context is vital here. Thank you men

Arcturus

58 comments submitted at 11:27:49 on Feb 5, 2014 by Arcturus_

  • [-]
  • HumanSieve
  • 7 Points
  • 11:45:25, 5 February

Come up with a concrete plan of yourself, and suggest it to her together with a time. Something like this:

"You want to meet up for a drink next week? I know a cool place in my town. I am available on tues-wed-thursday after work."

Then leave it like that. Don't send her anything more if she doesn't reply because then you'll have a whole string of unanswered messages which is sad.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 11:50:16, 5 February

This is a good idea in theory but we've established she's swamped right now with school and she'll let me know when she has time. She doesn't expect it to be much longer. As I type that I realize it easily comes off as her just blowing me off, or making up an excuse and that could very well be the case. However this was about 4 days ago and we've had a few great conversations since then where she's been into it so it could just as easily be truth. Of course I won't send a string of messages, if I do send one more and she doesn't reply I'll move on.

  • [-]
  • HumanSieve
  • 5 Points
  • 11:56:20, 5 February

I dunno man it also sounds like she is pursuing a fantasy internet relationship with you and it could be that for whatever reason getting together is something that brings her up short. In order that you are not getting too attached to the outcome of this, try to meet her in real life as quickly as possible.

If she is really interested but still too busy at the dates you suggest, she'll let you know. If she's in any way interested and mature she'll say something like: "I am sorry Arcturus but I am just so busy but I still really like to meet you, how about at the end of that week? I can make the time."

If she doesn't say anything like this, just let it go....

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 2 Points
  • 12:02:44, 5 February

She did bring us meeting up first actually. Usually I wait for a like 3-4 weeks sometimes before even suggesting we get together or anything. This time it didn't take me very long to know I was interested. I'm definitely hoping to avoid getting attached and reminding myself to like her, and not the idea of her right now.

I can let this go if I need to, but hoping it doesn't come to that! Thanks for your input my man.

  • [-]
  • HumanSieve
  • 2 Points
  • 12:03:54, 5 February

All the best

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 3 Points
  • 12:39:15, 5 February

I read the whole thing so I feel like a super hero. I'm not going to really advice you because all the good stuff has already been said but I fucking hate how many women that I've conversed with never take the initiative to text back. Obviously that's anecdotal evidence, but it's infuriating. Especially when you've developed a clearly established rapport and then they kinda just die. And then you become the bitch for always starting the conversation :(

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 2 Points
  • 12:45:04, 5 February

You are a super hero.

In the AW thread I made I asked why they don't do it first, and the reasons I got blew my mind. They either don't want to seem clingy (wtf), or they figure the guy isn't into to texting. Even though I don't live on my phone if an attractive woman wants to text me I'm all for it, if you want to say hey what's up you're not coming off as clingy. I swear woman logic is so flawed.

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 1 Points
  • 13:02:01, 5 February

Ok in their defense, I can understand the clingy part..but that reason seems to be a polar extreme of an example.

As for they figure the guy isn't into texting? That's just retarded. For the reason you listed AND if a guy types back a storm of text..I think it's a safe bet he's into you. Or if he tells you..then I think he might not be into texting. BUT TO ASSUME?! Ughhhhhh.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 2 Points
  • 13:06:05, 5 February

I think they're conditioned to not come off as clingy, so yeah I can see their point but as I mentioned simply asking how I'm doing will never make me think HOLY FUCK I NEED SPACE TO BREATHE WOMAN.

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 1 Points
  • 13:12:25, 5 February

SPAAAAACE! THE FINAL FRONTIER!

Not in relationships. Communicate yo shit.

  • [-]
  • xxperksxx
  • 1 Points
  • 18:48:54, 5 February

Vagina owner here:

Can confirm - I feel weird/clingy texting first. I feel like if the guy wanted to talk to me, they'd text me. I know, I KNOW! It makes no sense because I'll sit there waiting for a text from that person wanting to talk, but I don't text them first because I don't want to seem pushy/obsessive.

  • [-]
  • Balieyez
  • 2 Points
  • 12:58:09, 5 February

I would send one more text saying something like "hey, I know you are swamped so get back to me when you can. I've enjoyed our conversations and would like to continue them." If she doesn't get back to you...move on.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 13:10:50, 5 February

Would this be suitable?

Hey I know you're a busy girl so I just wanted to check in and see if you're still interested in talking. I haven't heard from you in a few days, starting to wonder if you died or something!"

  • [-]
  • Balieyez
  • 1 Points
  • 13:18:36, 5 February

yea, that works. The thing is, only send this one last text.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 13:19:17, 5 February

Got it, after this I'm done if she isn't receptive. Thanks!

  • [-]
  • Balieyez
  • 1 Points
  • 13:22:18, 5 February

np & good luck

  • [-]
  • bengji81
  • 2 Points
  • 13:10:49, 5 February

> "When we get together did you still want to stay in, or possibly go out?" - harmless, right?

I wouldn't have sent that text at all especially not so soon after she didn't reply to my last one.
That's where it goes completely wrong in my opinion. As she's said what sort of date she'd like, I'd have lead towards that rather than asking.

Start looking around at other women. Don't necessarily forget about this one but don't focus all your attention on her. Otherwise you start to over analyze everything and put massive amounts of importance on meeting her.

I'm firmly in the camp where texting should be kept to a minimal and mainly for building up some attraction then arranging a date.

  • [-]
  • Afroliciousness
  • 1 Points
  • 11:51:11, 5 February

Generally speaking, and I'm talking about my own experiences here, it's better to just wait a while. She might be knee-deep in something important that you don't know about (like you said).

And if you really can't wait then I'd suggest taking the "humorous" way, I'll usually ask if the person in question "died or something" and at least I'll get a (sarcastic) response of some kind. And if it becomes obvious that she ain't writing, then you can either ask what's wrong (or what you did wrong) or say fuck it and move on with your life, anything's better than that gnawing feeling.

Hope this helps a little, good luck man!

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 2 Points
  • 11:54:31, 5 February

I like this.

She has so much on her plate right now and I don't want to be a nuisance. If I can just wait out the next 3 or so weeks and keep things casual we'll be able to actually spend lots of time together and I don't want to just throw that chance away. Alternatively I don't want her to think I've lost interest. I think I'll try the humorous approach in a few days and casually throw in "I hope I didn't come off too strong or anything that may have put you off. I'm still interested in talking with you and hope to hear from you".

  • [-]
  • zrow_away
  • 3 Points
  • 12:56:06, 5 February

What commenter below says. You want a date, so don't apologize. Remember you did nothing wrong, this is insecurity speaking. She's the one that vanished. Even if you said or did something that scared her away, it would still be good manners from her to let you know. Keep that in mind, don't go down the 'oh I've done something wrong, I have to make it up.' Think: this girl should be happy she has met me, because I'm a good guy.

Second, having said this (and this may help in nuancing it a bit): don't get carried away because you had a good click on chat. You don't know anything yet, really. You two could meet and you might hate her after 30 minutes-- there's so many aspects of attraction that you can never cover with a chat. So treat the contact as such. Yes, it sounds promising. But you don't know.

Third, I think the suggestion of making a joke to get a response is the right one. "Did you die? ;-)" or something a little less, whatever your taste is (don't copy others, do what you would say). Keep it light, but also, if she doesn't react to this, then that's it. And yes, it's a loss, but see (2): you don't know. Don't give it a lot of time (not weeks), because sending a chat message is really not that much of a trouble. At least she should be able to txt "Sorry, been busy, will txt soon"

Fourth: next time, if I were you, I'd try to suggest a concrete date and activity. My experience is that women respond well to that-- hell, men too, because it gives you something to agree or disagree with. "What do you wanna do" can get tedious quick if both parties are somewhat indecisive. "I dunno, what do yóu wanna do?" But, what you did was fine-- if she bails after this, she isn't worth it. :-)

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 2 Points
  • 13:03:32, 5 February

Thanks, your advice makes sense. I'll touch on a few points.

First and foremost I do want to just say come to my place, we can have a few drinks, I'll make dinner and we can watch tv, hang out and be in our element. She has said how nice it sounds, and likes the idea of it. It does seem weird for a first date though, if I were her I'd be concerned this guy may tie me up in his basement or something, and that's why I said I'm open to going out in public as well.

I agree I shouldn't be apologizing, or trying to make it up to her or anything. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't want to be that guy. I think if I message her, or I guess when I message her in a few days I will use a little humour. "Haven't heard back from you, hope you didn't die on me" seems okay. I also agree I could hate her, or at least not like her as much as I think I do now. She may not carry herself as she does over text, and that is why I'm trying to get together with her before I begin to seriously like the idea of this girl. Really though she seems very caring, very selfless, genuine and she's not bad to look at so I'm hopeful this works out to say the least.

  • [-]
  • zrow_away
  • 1 Points
  • 13:15:06, 5 February

I hope she's as nice in person as on chat :-)

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 13:16:34, 5 February

Heh, me too man! Thanks for your time and advice.

  • [-]
  • xxperksxx
  • 1 Points
  • 18:58:04, 5 February

I personally would caution against the "did you die?" comment. I've gotten that a few times from guys and it just makes me cringe. It's more passive aggressive than humorous. Why not use an open ended conversation starter? Something like "I know you've been busy and I don't want to swamp with texts, but I just thought I'd send you a note and see how you're doing?"

  • [-]
  • Whatchanged
  • 1 Points
  • 12:18:08, 5 February

> "I hope I didn't come off too strong or anything that may have put you off. I'm still interested in talking with you and hope to hear from you".

No! You want a date! You don't want to just keep talking. You asking for a date put you in this spot and with that sentence you just rolled back because of her reaction. Not cool.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 12:20:13, 5 February

So what would you say?

  • [-]
  • Whatchanged
  • 1 Points
  • 12:48:34, 5 February

Sorry, dude, I wish I could come up with the perfect solution. As you can tell I am also no native speaker, so I won't be able to give a cookie cutter example. I'd just mumble something with German accent and it would be done.

I just feel like you'd back up too much with that sentence, although I like that overall approach. Meaning that you are aware of possible sings (and not oblivious to her not answering), expressing not wanting to be pushy but also explaining what you want (willing to put yourself out there again, because you want to take that chance).

You just don't want to keep talking to her (only). You want a date.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 12:56:27, 5 February

I feel like the line you quoted beforehand does kind of feel thought out, and has a professional approach to it. I'm trying not to over think it, I want it to sound natural and not scare her off thinking I'm absolutely desperate for her - but want her to know I am interested in her and hope she has remained interested in me.

I feel like this could honestly just be because she's busy, the way we talk it does not seem like she'd just lose interest that quick unless I've read this entire situation wrong, and I don't think I have.

Oh well! I'll try to be quick and to the point with her.

  • [-]
  • Whatchanged
  • 1 Points
  • 13:12:16, 5 February

> I want it to sound natural and not scare her off thinking I'm absolutely desperate for her

i fell like that line makes it sound like that. Due to her reaction you'd backed off from a question she didn't answer to. But I really understand what you are saying. And you are the one who had/has the connection to her so you are better off with your version anyway (no matter which one you'll come up with naturally). My only point is, don't cop out now. You want to meet her, make it clear in a few days. If she says no, you've got your answer. But just reverting back to chatting (which you leave open by this sentence in my opinion) won't get you anywhere but an awkward second try.

EDIT: Good luck!

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 13:16:08, 5 February

Thank you my man.

  • [-]
  • xxperksxx
  • 1 Points
  • 18:51:42, 5 February

Do you two have enough of a shared history to have something "randomly" come up in your life that reminded you of her? Say...you saw something funny happen that reminded you of her and you just wanted to share that with her and check to see how she is managing her busy load?

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 13:58:22, 5 February

To me, this is weird because it's been so long, and because you were having a conversation in which nothing went wrong, you weren't fighting or anything like that. 2 days is a long time to leave someone hanging on a simple question.

Are we sure that her phone hasn't gotten shut off/dropped in a toilet/stolen by pirates? Her house didn't burn down? I mean, have you talked to her in any way since the texting? If you have her email, I don't think you'd be out of line to send an email saying something like, "Hey, I'm kind of just worried about you, is everything okay?"

Another possibility is that she DID fall asleep that night, woke up at some point in the middle of the night and cleared her notifications, said "Yeah I'll get back to that dude in the morning" and then forgot all about it, because she was half-asleep still when she saw the text. It's not that far-fetched, I've done it myself. In that case, from her point of view, it would be you who's not texting her, because she forgot she owes you a reply.

The third possibility is that she's playing games. I know for a fact that women do this, and they do it on purpose. I just yelled a my girlfriend's friend for doing it the other day, in fact. However, 2 days is a long time and so games seem unlikely.

Lastly, maybe something all of a sudden made her decide never to contact you again... like her boyfriend caught her texting you, or something. It does happen.

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 14:04:47, 5 February

I've thought of this too, it's possible she feels that I've gone cold but I mean at the end of the day I texted her and she didn't reply so the logistics are moot. It is extremely far fetched isn't it? From my perspective anyway, because I have this girl who's into me, who's flirting with me, who seems so genuine and likes me and then all of a sudden - nothing. It's weird.

She's posted on facebook twice now, like status updates about random things. I liked one of her newer photos the other day as well, maybe to subtly remind her I exist, incase she forgot or something.

Lastly, she's got a lot of friends that are female and I wouldn't put it past them for a second to tell her to stop texting me and see how long I take to reply to see if I'm genuinely interested or just want sex which is not the case.

Also I'm kind of conflicted because one night she seemed distant and I asked if she was busy and she said she had a lot on her mind. I told her I felt like I was bugging her and she said "no, no not at all I've just got so much going on right now!". It was just a misunderstanding and we talked about what was on her mind for a few hours. I feel like I may be doing that again, and if I bring this new thing up she may think I'm like..idk, annoying?

Thank you for your input.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 14:14:42, 5 February

>she's got a lot of friends that are female and I wouldn't put it past them for a second to tell her to stop texting me and see how long I take to reply to see if I'm genuinely interested

That's a bitch, man. I hate that shit.

If you think that's the case, though, my advice is to play the game... kinda. Text her back.


"Hey, are you still living? Haven't heard from you! =)"

"Oh yeah sorry, my phone died lol!"

"Fucking cell phones, they can update your iTunes folder remotely from New Zealand but they can't get a battery that lasts more than 13 minutes. .... For two days, though? Damn. Chargers must be hard to come by in your area!"

"Oh well I kind of forgot we were talking before it died! Sorry!!"

This is where you say

"Oh. Damn that sucks, I kind of thought we had a good thing going on here. You forgot about me for two days??? =("


Now you've got her on the ropes. Continue as long as you like.

I never let women get away with shitty games. Damned if I'm going to be so stubborn that it wrecks my good thing with her, though... so I settle for something in the middle, where I play the game for today but at the same time make it clear that I think she's a bitch for doing it and we should never go down this road again.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 14:18:17, 5 February

>Oh. Damn that sucks, I kind of thought we had a good thing going on here. You forgot about me for two days???

I like it, I may have to take this approach. And yeah, I absolutely hate when women try that shit. We have a good thing going, why can't that just be it? Why do you have to intervene with your cosmo shit?

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:45, 5 February

I don't know why they do this, but it's an uphill battle if you try to fight manipulative bullshit with honesty and straightforwardness. You didn't put the two of you in this situation, she did, and now you have to fight fire with fire. You should make yourself "the wounded party" asap which will put her on the defensive.

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:21, 5 February

I just wish it could be as simple as two people who like each other talking like adults..

Thank you my man, your advice is greatly appreciated!

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 15:28:12, 5 February

I'm like you, I always have the best intentions in relationships, I'm always up-front about what I want, and I wish we could just cut to the chase and be together if that's what we want to do. I wish it was simple, too... but women love trying to run weird psuedo-scientific tests and weed out "the bad guys". In the end, sometimes the end justifies the means and you have to stoop a little lower than you wish you had to.

Anyway you're welcome, and good luck!

  • [-]
  • CardinalsFanatic
  • 1 Points
  • 14:29:37, 5 February

Sadly, AW will always shoot down relationship advice posts, which is a shame as I think some relationship posts like this make complete sense to focus on the opposite sex's perspectives. But I think most of the women posting here give more honest and direct feedback, anyways (/r/dating_advice isn't too bad, either, even if it's not gender-specific).

This is a tough one, man......you seem to have clicked well from your description, but Tinder is a pretty casual dating environment, so there's that.

There could be any number of situations that might've happened here......

  1. She checked her phone and cleared her notifications and forgot you sent something.
  2. She's playing the "3 day rule" and trying to play hard-to-get.
  3. She found someone else on the app or IRL and is giving them more of her romantic attention.
  4. Something's fucked up with her phone.
  5. She's just that busy and hasn't picked up her phone to do anything on it in days.

Do you have her phone number yet? If so, I'd try a regular phone call or Facetime to ask her out.....texting and IM makes it too easy to calculate a response or ignore someone.

Personally, I'd second what /u/HumanSieve said and tell her what you'd like to do. Tell her what days you're available this week and suggest that you go to a certain place (i.e. drinks, food, or common interest) that you think she would enjoy hanging out at. If she still dodges your request, then I'd move on, as you planned to do.

Best of luck!

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 14:34:06, 5 February

Thank you, and I agree.

AW shouldn't be robots about removing those kind of posts. I feel they should at least read the thread and remove on a case-to-case basis, especially in my case when the question was asking why women don't text first, and adding a little context to my situation. Sometimes a woman's perspective is all you need and AW should be that. All 5 of your reasons are logical though I hope she's not the type to even try #2. I have her number, but we haven't talked on the phone yet - I don't really want to call her out of the blue and ask what's up, especially if reason 5 from your list is true. Again, thanks.

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:08, 5 February

Personally, I'd wait until Monday and send her what /u/balieyez suggested.

That will give her time if she's just feeling overwhelmed with whatever, or time for her to find her phone, or make up her mind, or do whatever she had to do in place of your date but didn't have the balls to break to you.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 15:07:42, 5 February

She has her phone on her, I know that. She's on mobile facebook throughout the day, but yeah I'll give her a few days. I just hope she isn't testing me..

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 1 Points
  • 15:20:11, 5 February

Yeah, that would suck. Anywho, good luck.

  • [-]
  • fortuna_spins_you
  • 1 Points
  • 15:43:53, 5 February

Why does everything need to be done through texting?

Just call her. Texting doesn't ever get across tone. Texting is passive. Texting isn't a particularly immediate medium. People can put it off.

If she ignores your call, you've got your answer.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 15:46:13, 5 February

Given the circumstances and the fact we haven't called each other yet, yes it is weird to do. I don't even know why she's not talking.

  • [-]
  • fortuna_spins_you
  • 1 Points
  • 15:52:07, 5 February

I don't think it would be weird. If you plan on taking someone out on a date, solidifying plans over the phone seems perfectly reasonable.

People flake out or seem to go silent all the time for a litany of reasons and a majority of them have nothing to do with you. You haven't even met up with her yet. From both of your ends, the emotional investment isn't there to give that reason, even if you feel you want or deserve one.

If you still are interested and don't feel comfortable calling, send one more text. If she ignores it, it's over.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 15:55:45, 5 February

I understand your point, don't get me wrong. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of,

"Hey it's been a few days now and I know you're a busy girl so I just wanted to check in and see where we stand, if you're still interested in talking because I'm definitely interested in you still."

Good, bad?

  • [-]
  • fortuna_spins_you
  • 1 Points
  • 16:01:32, 5 February

I don't know the nature of what your texts are like. I personally tend to be "all business" with texting but you guys seem to be more conversational.

My issue with what you wrote is you don't "stand" anywhere with her. All you have done is text her. The whole point of this interaction has been to go on a date and meet her in person. I would get straight to that.

"Hey. I just wanted to see if you are interested in a date. [insert suggested date]"

  • [-]
  • WithMyFaceInMyPalm
  • 1 Points
  • 16:11:16, 5 February

I agree with the "Thought we had a good thing going, guess not" guy.

On facebook huh? That's flat out disrespect and a shitty way to treat someone. She better literally beg for mercy if she was just fucking with you.

  • [-]
  • sam_and_that
  • 1 Points
  • 16:29:14, 5 February

uh oh! Ok, I know that Ive fallen into the can't text first catergory sometimes, but that is something that i've recognized can come off as uninterested so I'm working on that! Im a lazy anxious person. Bad texting combo.

What might have happened here is: you asked her a question, she didn't respond, fell asleep as you said, and then realized TOO LATE she hadn't responsed. Then MORE time passed, and she STILL hasn't responded so she's all nervous cause she's not sure which one she'd like to do, and she still hasnt texted you back but now its so late, especially since she always waits for you to text first! (what I'm trying to say is she could be over thinking it, and these are some thoughts I've caught myself having)

Text her again with more of a plan. I hope thats it. if not, wait for her. A) She might breathe a sigh of relief if you text! if she's actually really interested she'll learn to text first (i had to cause the guy i think is worth it) B) if she doesn't respond after that text, then she's faded probably, and didn't do a good job of letting you know...

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 16:42:19, 5 February

I'm hopeful because I was reading over our texts to see if I said anything to her that might have come across wrong without proper context kind of thing and she actually started one conversation.

I think your scenario is a definite possibility. It's like as a child when you missed a few days of school and the longer you wait the more nervous you become to go back, especially when over thinking is a factor. I sincerely hope it's this, I hope that she just forgot and is too nervous to say anything because I've also said nothing in two days. I hope this is just a misunderstanding. If I may, I'm sort of working on what I'm going to text her. It's an all of nothing go at this point because I figure if I wait she may think I've lost all interest and just move on so I'm putting some thought into it without making it look that way. Could you let me know how it sounds?

"Hey x, I know you're a busy girl but I haven't heard from you in a few days and I wanted to see how you were doing, and if you're still interested because I definitely am."

I think it's good length, gets my point across, and gives me the answer I want. It's easy for her to either ignore, or opt out if she isn't interested, and also gives her a chance to explain what happened, etc. I'll be honest this has made me want her more, so if this is some kind of game it's working. She did tell me the other day she would tell me when she's free for a date, and that's good, but the random silence is just weird. I can only justify it myself by saying she's just busy..

Thanks for your time and input!

  • [-]
  • sam_and_that
  • 1 Points
  • 16:54:50, 5 February

How do your conversations usually go? Because what got me really into texting this one guy first was that when something funny or interesting happened to him, he'd share it with me. I loveeed that because it made me happy that he thought of me when that thing happened, and he wanted me to hear it too, and because thats totally my style of texting. something stupid/funny/interesting will happen and i will think: OH MY GOD so-and-so needs to hear this. So with him, at first i was so shy, like: oh this is hilarious, but i don't want to bother him/what if its annoying. But then i got to the point where i was like: he'll loveeee this, hilarious!

So if you have a funny story or something maybe go with that. Because me personally (and i don't know how universal this is, could just be me) But as soon as some one picks up on my idiosyncracy it freaks me out. Like uh oh, Im overthinking it, so they're over thinking it, and now its so unnatural! Do i apologize?! Are they mad, how do i explain myself?!

and also, you guys never actually set up an actual date or anything right? Were you trying to? Cause she might have just seen it as a flirty hypothetical-date conversation that ended, and is waiting for the next contact.

If she texts you back after testing the water, then go for the information you want. "what have you been up to lately?" give her the chance to be like: ive been so busy! Its so good to hear from you though.

  • [-]
  • Arcturus_
  • 1 Points
  • 17:03:13, 5 February

Well the past couple days I've been with friends and talked to her still, she knew I was with them and said she didn't want to bother me but I said she wasn't and we'd have conversations still. That'd be good to hear as a woman I assume? Of course my replies were a little delayed because I was just gaming with friends, drinking, having fun and didn't want to be a dick to them either, which she understood. The conversations involved her talking about going out with her girl friends celebrating a friends birthday and how she looked super cute and stuff and showed me some pictures from the night to which I complimented how nice she looked and such. Our conversations are usually very back and forth, flirting, or just talking about real things.

No we haven't set a date, she has mid terms and is doing other school stuff so she's busy right now, and for a couple weeks from now but she said she would definitely tell me when she's free to get together.

  • [-]
  • sam_and_that
  • 1 Points
  • 18:13:26, 5 February

Yeah its always nice to hear you still want to talk! And this all sounds super casual. two days seems like forever especially since you guys have been talking every day for two weeks, but what i think is important here is how you handle it. Don't make it into a thing where she has to explain. I don't know why, but i feel like by saying: "hey i know you're busy" turns it into something where she is going to need to explain herself, and either apologize or feel like she'll have to do that. Be casual. Ask her what she's been up to lately. if she's stressed, don't add stress, instead say, oh if you need to vent let me know! Thats even better.

Text her if an oppurtunity arrises, but other than that my advice would be: don't sweat it. I don't think she's trying to disapear or anything. She's busy and a little freaked cause she always waits for you to text first and she forgot to answer and question and she knows it.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Diggums
  • 1 Points
  • 17:49:36, 5 February

My advice after reading the brief version: She agreed to a date, but you didn't offer anything concrete and passed the buck. You asked her out, you need a concrete plan. That's a mistake on your part. Text her with a time and place. If she responds positively, good. If not/no response, whatever, lesson learned and move on.

After reading your long version: Dude, great you found a cool girl on Tinder, but it's Tinder. For all you know, she's using you for an ego boost. It's been 2 weeks and you FINALLY asked her out? If the connection was so great in the first place, why the delay?

I've been there dude...start dating/talking to a girl who doesn't initiate or respond timely EVEN IF she seems totally in to you on dates/in person. I learned a quick lesson, and that's to not follow the dangling bullshit for too long. A girl who is interested WILL make time for you, so don't get your emotions and hopes tied up into a lost cause. Get the number, make the plan, and go from there...if she isn't keeping up, then leave her in the dust.

Add: Fuck r/askwomen. I asked the same thing pertaining to my situation and it was deleted for the same reason. I wanted to ask women their opinion...but I guess that's not what that sub is for. Next time I want to know where periods come from, though, I'll stop on by.

  • [-]
  • Razzly
  • 1 Points
  • 18:32:10, 5 February

Wanna say I read the entire long post, but haven't yet delved into the comments. Here's my feel, man:

You are overthinking this. Far too much. You have put her on a pedestal because of how many boxes she ticks. And, perhaps that isn't wrong, but doing so is how you've arrived at this conundrum.

Take her down a notch, and treat her like what she is - a casual acquaintance at this stage. Would you be afraid of upsetting a friend by texting too often? I wouldn't. So why with her?

I understand it's important to show your best side when starting out, but the idea of someone running away as a direct result of one too many texts seems like if it were to happen, she wasn't the one anyway.

Dude, do what you do best. Follow it up. Text her with one of those light hearted lines you had drafted in your post, and do it right bloody now.

I'll wait

I get what you're saying about her being busy, and given that you're not bloody married yet doesn't means she has to respond to everything instantly, but I think given the context that you were in date planning stage, it is quite odd to drop off at that point.

Edit: shit man. I've read the comments now and discovered ... Nothing! We're all a bunch of disagreeing, but well-meaning dudes. There is so much conflict in the responses! Ah well. You'll figure it out. Please post a response thread when you're done :)

  • [-]
  • wotmate
  • 1 Points
  • 18:51:55, 5 February

I'm in the same boat. Talked to her on the phone and everything was great, and she said that we should definitely meet up on the next weekend.

On the Thursday, she inexplicably stopped replying to messages. From her last message on Thursday to Saturday morning, i sent a total of 4 messages, and got no response, so on Sunday night, i sent this: " I guess you're not interested anymore..... Wish you had told me, instead of just leaving me hanging..... :( "

Finally today she responds with this: " Omg wotmate! Calm down we have only just started talking and have not even met yet! "

There was a bit of cold back and forth until i cracked it and had a rant: "Can you blame me? I honestly thought we had established a good rapport when we talked on the phone, and the last thing you said to me was "we'll talk during the week and definitely meet up on the weekend". So yeah, i had some expectations, and suddenly you completely stopped replying to any messages. I understand to well that emergencies happen, but a little common courtesy wouldn't go astray. It doesn't take that long to send a quick message explaining that you won't be able to talk for a while.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive because this seems to be happening a lot lately, but it's different because i didn't just want to fuck you :-\"

It totally threw her off, and I think it really got to her, because suddenly she realised that i was serious, and she had treated me like shit. We'll see how things go from here.

  • [-]
  • Vladamir141
  • 1 Points
  • 19:39:04, 5 February

"I know she's a busy girl". Who here isn't busy? We make time for people we care about. She doesn't care enough to not leave you hanging for days. I suggest you start talking to someone else since it will bother you that she ignored you for so long even if she finally does get back to you.