Me[29M] and my wife[31F] of 3 years, sex life has been bad, and getting worse (self.relationships)

relationships

64 ups - 15 downs = 49 votes

So my wife and I have been together for 5 years, we have a 3 year old son. Sense we got together our sex life has been declining.

At first she was saying that I was pressuring her to much. So I stopped doing that.

Then I thought maybe she didn't find me attractive, so I started working out. I lost 40lbs and worked out alot.

She said that it was because I was prematurely ejaculating. Which I wasn't. Still I worked on my control and technique, now lets just say thats not an issue.

She won't talk to me about our sex life, and if I bring it up (very rarely) she will tell me that I am pressuring her. Or she will say that she wants more sex too, but then she has some excuse why not.

She is very jealous, very controlling, and constantly angry at me.

Right now our sex life is about 2x a month, but there are a couple times a year we wont have sex for several months.

Please help me figure out why this is happening. And how I should fix it.


tl;dr: My wife and I are not having sex and I have no idea why, or how to fix it.

66 comments submitted at 13:13:31 on Sep 5, 2013 by thinkingtodeep

  • [-]
  • SalMinella
  • -5 Points
  • 14:52:57, 5 September

Check out Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay. Read the forums and blog. Buy the book. It will help.

  • [-]
  • butter_my_bacon
  • 13 Points
  • 18:05:24, 5 September

Don't do this. This "author" has no professional training or experience in dealing with relationship issues and will likely do nothing but instill a sense of resentment in your wife.

OP, your wife and you have issues that need addressing by a professional, not some crockpot pseudo-intellectual who has no business "helping" anyone.

Edit: Don't mind the downvotes. That's just the misogynists chiming in that treating your wife like a second class citizen per this non-professional is a great idea.

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • -5 Points
  • 19:37:10, 5 September

> This "author" has no professional training or experience in dealing with relationship issues

This is an ad hominem attack kind of argument, which isn't valid.

> will likely do nothing but instill a sense of resentment in your wife.

This is plain bullshitting and wild speculation. Ignore.

> by a professional

I presume you mean a psychotherapist/psychologist. These people are mostly quacks, as there is little scientific basis for their disciplines. Neurologists, for example, are 'professionals' whose work is backed by science.

  • [-]
  • butter_my_bacon
  • 6 Points
  • 19:43:17, 5 September

It's valid to address whether or not someone's credentials qualify them to discuss the topic at hand, Smartypants McWikipedia.

I can't take anything else you say seriously if you legitimately believe psychiatry isn't a valid science.

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • -1 Points
  • 19:48:12, 5 September

buttermybacon again used the ad hominem attack -- against me this time.

Judging one's writing by their 'credentials' is another form of the ad hominem attack: the genetic fallacy.

I wrote, "I presume you mean a psychotherapist/psychologist." But, to some degree, I agree with your addition: psychiatry is mostly pseudoscience.

Here's how you ought to argue against reading Kay's piece: point out what's wrong with something he wrote.

  • [-]
  • YouKnowJustBrowsing
  • 2 Points
  • 21:01:09, 5 September

You seem really jazzed about (what seems quite recent) your discovery of the meaning of ad hominem.

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • -1 Points
  • 21:03:38, 5 September

You just used it.

  • [-]
  • YouKnowJustBrowsing
  • 2 Points
  • 21:26:35, 5 September

Oh good grief. Nice fifth grade retort. If that is your idea of burning me or something, you should stop reading Wikipedia to find your go-to "smart words" and get outside into the real world. You are obviously young, but your Google skills seem sufficient.

  • [-]
  • Lykii
  • 3 Points
  • 20:19:28, 5 September

>I presume you mean a psychotherapist/psychologist. These people are mostly quacks, as there is little scientific basis for their disciplines.

You might be confusing psychotherapist with Freudian psychoanalysts which were largely discredited due to a lack of empirical data. A quick Wikipedia search shows many flavors of psychotherapy. I guess people just normally drop the "psycho" from therapy because of the bad connotations.

Many therapists have at least a Master's and some even a PhD (depending on whether they research or practice and the state requirements). Fun fact about clinical psychology graduate programs: they're so popular that many in those programs have very good scholastic backgrounds and high GRE scores as well as relevant work experience. Not to say they all succeed but those who complete a PhD in clinical psychology are pretty smart I think.

>Neurologists, for example, are 'professionals' whose work is backed by science.

This is true! Although many are medical doctors and there's a pretty good overlap between psychiatry (also requires med school). Hope this helps!

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • 0 Points
  • 20:26:34, 5 September

Right, you confirmed what I wrote.

All forms of 'therapy' are pseudoscientific.

I don't even know why you mentioned academic qualifications/GRE scores...oh, wait, it's a form of ad hominem! Surely, somebody with a stellar GRE score and a PhD in psychology cannot spew off bullshit...NOT!

  • [-]
  • Lykii
  • 2 Points
  • 20:31:53, 5 September

Why would you respond with an ad hominem then? You sound very ignorant.

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • 1 Points
  • 20:41:23, 5 September

I did not write any ad hominem in the message above. You, however, just attacked me by calling me ignorant.

  • [-]
  • Lykii
  • 2 Points
  • 20:56:45, 5 September

Saying someone of a particular profession spews off bullshit seems to be pretty malicious and does attack the perceived failings of the adversary.

However, saying people who are smart and work hard is not a failing of the adversary. It's a benefit of the profession.

Me calling you ignorant is a personal attack on you and your viewpoint and may qualify as an ad hominem attack, however it highlights your lack of objectivity.

Edit: removed extra word

  • [-]
  • homo-insurgo
  • 0 Points
  • 21:13:44, 5 September

I did not say that someone of a particular profession spews off bullshit.

> it highlights your lack of objectivity.

What do you even mean?!

Oh, wait, I just learned you're a hamster. This discussion is over.