He said he wants to get married. I’m only 22. I don’t know how I feel about this. (self.AskMen)
24 ups - 7 downs = 17 votes
Tried posting this to /r/AskWomen but it got removed and /r/relationships won't let me post it so I don't really know where else to go.
I’m 22, he’s 29. We’ve known each other for 3 years now, after meeting at a party and have been in a relationship for 2. I want to say yes. I love this man. But I don’t know if I’m making a decision I’m going to regret.
The thing is … I’m just so young. Part of me feels like this is what I want, but another part feels like I don’t know what I’ll want. And I don’t want to marry someone and then find out I’m not compatible with him.
His parents have been pressuring him to marry for a while now. We both come from conservative backgrounds (both Chinese), and all his mom asks him is “When will I see my grandchildren?” Recently it’s gotten so bad that she said that once while I was there with him in the room. He was mortified. My parents aren’t as bad. They want me to get married, and they want me to seriously think about it now before its too late. They’ve shown me articles about China’s leftover women and other articles about women who are 30 or older that have a hard time dating.
Now, I understand we live in the west and it’s perfectly fine to marry past the age of 25 (the leftover women age), but I am scared of waiting that long. I’ve talked to him about this subject and he openly told me (after a lot of prodding) that men prefer younger women. I don’t know how much of this is true because he’s the only real LTR I’ve had so I can’t verify it, but I mean … it makes sense now that I think about it. In the media so many models/actresses are in their 20s. I know there are some women who are older and really gorgeous but not everyone is that lucky and I just don’t want to take a chance.
Financially speaking, marriage with him is a good decision. He’s a lawyer who went to a very good school and makes just shy of $200k annually. Currently, I’m finishing up my studies in Mechanical Engineering and I work part time as a waitress at a local restaurant (about $150 a week with tips). He’s very sweet and has frequently bought me things without my asking, and he’s told me that if we get married that I won’t have to work.
One thing I’m really nervous about though is sex. I’m a virgin. He’s not. He believes in waiting until marriage and in accordance he never really pressured me into sex in the relationship. He’s been very polite about it. And I know that you may be thinking that he’s being hypocritical, but he isn’t. We talked about this for a long time and he admitted to me that it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it. He genuinely feels sorry that he went against his beliefs and is expecting me to still live up to his expectations. I’ve forgiven him and I don’t mind waiting. The problem is, I’ve read so many posts where people’s marriages are incompatible because of sex issues. Like, he’ll want it more and she’ll want it less or vice versa and it ends up leading to divorce. That is possibly the worst thing that could happen to either of us as divorce is frowned upon so heavily in our culture.
And there’s another thing that’s bugging me that I know is going to be unpopular here—gender roles. He believes in them to an extent. We talked about what would happen if we get married and he said that he’d have no problem with me working as an engineer, but that when we had kids (and it is question of when because I want kids too) he’d want me to quit and take care of them, and eventually be a housewife. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is upset that he wants me to quit my job, but another part isn’t because he’s making so much that he can support both of us anyways. Plus, honestly, a part of me isn’t sure if I want to do engineering. My dad forced me into it (if I didn’t do it he wouldn’t pay for my tuition) because he said it was a good major and that I’d be able to have a decent job with it. I’m not angry at my dad, but I never really felt as passionate for it as I did for art, which is what I really wanted to do.
Overall this man is a catch. He’s really smart, successful, sweet, and will make a good father. I don't know if I'm ready.
TL;DR I just don’t know if I’m ready for marriage. He’s probably one of the best men I’m going to meet, but I’m scared because since I’m a virgin we may be sexually incompatible, and that since I am young I don’t really know myself. I don’t want to delay marriage because of pressure from both of our families and because men like younger women (according to him).
Also, since this is /r/askmen Can I just ask... do men really place that much importance on youth? The way he talked about it last night made me feel as if it's a big deal and that if I don't get married before 30 I'm going to start having difficulty finding relationships.
Edit So the biggest thing I've learned is that as I grow older the dating pool is going to shrink by some amount, and that it is harder to settle down with the type of men I want to as I grow older. Even if some of you guys disagree with this, I want to have my kids before 30 anyways because of the complications that arise afterwards.
A lot of you guys are telling me not to get married, others are giving me advice that goes both ways, and a couple of you are suggesting I do get married. I'm going to talk to him and tell him what I'm concerned about and then get back to you with an update.
Also, just to clarify some things: he's not a sexist living in the 60s. I was kind of upset by his remark because he almost expected me to go along with it, not because of what the remark was. I'm fine with being a stay at home mom.
106 comments submitted at 00:13:28 on Feb 21, 2014 by Is22TooEarly