He said he wants to get married. I’m only 22. I don’t know how I feel about this. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

24 ups - 7 downs = 17 votes

Tried posting this to /r/AskWomen but it got removed and /r/relationships won't let me post it so I don't really know where else to go.

I’m 22, he’s 29. We’ve known each other for 3 years now, after meeting at a party and have been in a relationship for 2. I want to say yes. I love this man. But I don’t know if I’m making a decision I’m going to regret.

The thing is … I’m just so young. Part of me feels like this is what I want, but another part feels like I don’t know what I’ll want. And I don’t want to marry someone and then find out I’m not compatible with him.

His parents have been pressuring him to marry for a while now. We both come from conservative backgrounds (both Chinese), and all his mom asks him is “When will I see my grandchildren?” Recently it’s gotten so bad that she said that once while I was there with him in the room. He was mortified. My parents aren’t as bad. They want me to get married, and they want me to seriously think about it now before its too late. They’ve shown me articles about China’s leftover women and other articles about women who are 30 or older that have a hard time dating.

Now, I understand we live in the west and it’s perfectly fine to marry past the age of 25 (the leftover women age), but I am scared of waiting that long. I’ve talked to him about this subject and he openly told me (after a lot of prodding) that men prefer younger women. I don’t know how much of this is true because he’s the only real LTR I’ve had so I can’t verify it, but I mean … it makes sense now that I think about it. In the media so many models/actresses are in their 20s. I know there are some women who are older and really gorgeous but not everyone is that lucky and I just don’t want to take a chance.

Financially speaking, marriage with him is a good decision. He’s a lawyer who went to a very good school and makes just shy of $200k annually. Currently, I’m finishing up my studies in Mechanical Engineering and I work part time as a waitress at a local restaurant (about $150 a week with tips). He’s very sweet and has frequently bought me things without my asking, and he’s told me that if we get married that I won’t have to work.

One thing I’m really nervous about though is sex. I’m a virgin. He’s not. He believes in waiting until marriage and in accordance he never really pressured me into sex in the relationship. He’s been very polite about it. And I know that you may be thinking that he’s being hypocritical, but he isn’t. We talked about this for a long time and he admitted to me that it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it. He genuinely feels sorry that he went against his beliefs and is expecting me to still live up to his expectations. I’ve forgiven him and I don’t mind waiting. The problem is, I’ve read so many posts where people’s marriages are incompatible because of sex issues. Like, he’ll want it more and she’ll want it less or vice versa and it ends up leading to divorce. That is possibly the worst thing that could happen to either of us as divorce is frowned upon so heavily in our culture.

And there’s another thing that’s bugging me that I know is going to be unpopular here—gender roles. He believes in them to an extent. We talked about what would happen if we get married and he said that he’d have no problem with me working as an engineer, but that when we had kids (and it is question of when because I want kids too) he’d want me to quit and take care of them, and eventually be a housewife. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is upset that he wants me to quit my job, but another part isn’t because he’s making so much that he can support both of us anyways. Plus, honestly, a part of me isn’t sure if I want to do engineering. My dad forced me into it (if I didn’t do it he wouldn’t pay for my tuition) because he said it was a good major and that I’d be able to have a decent job with it. I’m not angry at my dad, but I never really felt as passionate for it as I did for art, which is what I really wanted to do.

Overall this man is a catch. He’s really smart, successful, sweet, and will make a good father. I don't know if I'm ready.

TL;DR I just don’t know if I’m ready for marriage. He’s probably one of the best men I’m going to meet, but I’m scared because since I’m a virgin we may be sexually incompatible, and that since I am young I don’t really know myself. I don’t want to delay marriage because of pressure from both of our families and because men like younger women (according to him).


Also, since this is /r/askmen Can I just ask... do men really place that much importance on youth? The way he talked about it last night made me feel as if it's a big deal and that if I don't get married before 30 I'm going to start having difficulty finding relationships.

Edit So the biggest thing I've learned is that as I grow older the dating pool is going to shrink by some amount, and that it is harder to settle down with the type of men I want to as I grow older. Even if some of you guys disagree with this, I want to have my kids before 30 anyways because of the complications that arise afterwards.

A lot of you guys are telling me not to get married, others are giving me advice that goes both ways, and a couple of you are suggesting I do get married. I'm going to talk to him and tell him what I'm concerned about and then get back to you with an update.

Also, just to clarify some things: he's not a sexist living in the 60s. I was kind of upset by his remark because he almost expected me to go along with it, not because of what the remark was. I'm fine with being a stay at home mom.

106 comments submitted at 00:13:28 on Feb 21, 2014 by Is22TooEarly

  • [-]
  • MrTinkels
  • 53 Points
  • 00:17:45, 21 February

If you're not ready for marriage don't do it. Seriously. It's like taking a dump, if you're not ready, you can force it and break something.

  • [-]
  • barnesandnobles
  • 19 Points
  • 00:49:57, 21 February

You've got a way with words, MrTinkels

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 6 Points
  • 03:15:58, 21 February

Ok thanks for the input.

  • [-]
  • somesillynerd
  • 14 Points
  • 00:41:10, 21 February

Do you want to marry this man?

If he wasn't a catch on paper, would you still want to?

Not a lawyer, not buying you things, not approved by your parents?

If your parents didn't care, his parents didn't care, and he wasn't pressuring you, would you want to get married?

And that younger women thing is bullshit - because even if you get married now, you'll still age eventually.

Personally, if I were you, I'd wait.

If he truly wants to be with you, he'll wait too.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:36:50, 21 February

But he can't wait any longer. His parents are pressuring him a lot.

I can see myself marrying this man. I love him, but marriage just seems to scare me right now. My fear is that if I wait, he'll leave me, and then I'll have to spend at least 2-3 years finding someone else. On top of that, in Chinese culture older women aren't appreciated as much.

And yeah I'll age anyways, but I'll have financial security and I'll be able to live my life raising kids and having a family if I marry now unlike if I wait in which I'll probably be considering/just getting married around the same time I would have been able to have a family.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 11 Points
  • 04:15:02, 21 February

> But he can't wait any longer. His parents are pressuring him a lot.

Sorry I don't understand this. He's a 29 year old man who lives on his own and makes 200k. What exactly is his parents leverage over him besides emotional manipulation and abuse?

>One thing I’m really nervous about though is sex. I’m a virgin.................. The problem is, I’ve read so many posts where people’s marriages are incompatible because of sex issues.

Just note, if you plan on doing the no sex until marriage thing, this will always be an issue in your relationships.

  • [-]
  • MissDiagnosisNY
  • 3 Points
  • 08:53:54, 21 February

> Sorry I don't understand this.

Like OP I am also Chinese (-American), and this level of pressure from our families is very common. In American culture there is typically a very clear divide between parent/child around college age, in Chinese culture, your family is something that stays very close knit and very hierarchical throughout your life.

You should not be so quick to label something manipulative and abusive just because it comes from a different perspective than your own.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 1 Points
  • 13:41:39, 21 February

Except in this case the pressure and lack of regard for their child's wishes, despite thier good intentions, is actively causing stress and damage to their kids adult romantic relationships. It appears very much like culturally acceptable bullying.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:53:55, 21 February

He wants to stay on good terms with his family. On top of that, he does want to settle down and start a family soon.

I know that there will be sex related issues in the relationship, but I'm willing to work that out with him

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 5 Points
  • 04:56:51, 21 February

> He wants to stay on good terms with his family.

What's interesting is his family seems to have no interest in staying in good terms with him. I know it's a culture thing, but the shit his mother is pulling clearly is harmful and she knows it. Yet it continues.

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 8 Points
  • 05:13:44, 21 February

Coming from a conservative Indian family, let me tell you, they don't think its harmful. They don't see it that way. They see it as teasing, so I'm guessing OP's BF realizes that it's them teasing in that manner.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 3 Points
  • 05:23:36, 21 February

"Teasing" sure sounds like manipulation.

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 1 Points
  • 05:44:06, 21 February

I'd disagree but maybe it's just me. You kind of get used to it and you understand that it's them teasing.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 5 Points
  • 05:48:26, 21 February

They see it as teasing, but is it just teasing when it's actually causing harm in OP's relationship? In grade school the bullies allows called it "teasing" too.

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 11 Points
  • 00:24:50, 21 February

If you're not 100% sure, then you're not ready.

> Can I just ask... do men really place that much importance on youth? The way he talked about it last night made me feel as if it's a big deal and that if I don't get married before 30 I'm going to start having difficulty finding relationships.

I don't know if it's so much the importance of youth. Some people do feel their "biological clock" ticking, but I'd say that has more to do with social pressure than anything else. There is also the fact that by the time you're 30, there are just going to be more people already engaged/married than there were when you were 22. However, it's not like you hit 30 and abandon all hope.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:21:54, 21 February

> There is also the fact that by the time you're 30, there are just going to be more people already engaged/married than there were when you were 22. However, it's not like you hit 30 and abandon all hope.

So what you're saying is that my dating pool DOES get smaller but it's not the end of the world? What if people like him won't consider me for marriage. I read that link by that Indian woman a while back and I saw many of the respondents saying that she would have to lower her standards, which is something I don't want to do. I like the fact that he's really successful financially, and I like his personality.

We're both Chinese too, which means I'm not going to get a lot of complaints from my family, so there's that too.

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 4 Points
  • 03:36:02, 21 February

Smaller doesn't necessarily have to mean you have almost no options. It'll just be more common that people have already gotten engaged or married.

I have three friends that are currently married. Two of the couples are the same age, and in the other the wife is 3 years older. I have one friend currently engaged and his fiance is a year older than him. All of them are happy and didn't have to lower their standards.

You're only 22, a virgin, and admit you don't even know yourself. Now is probably not the best time for you to be making a lifelong commitment. I'm nowhere near the same person I was at 22, and I'm only 29. My 20's have felt like a whole lifetime.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 04:06:19, 21 February

> and admit you don't even know yourself.

It's not that I don't know myself. I knew that I liked art more than engineering but I accepted it because my dad had a point. I have been and still am ok with the idea of being a stay at home mom, it's just that I was surprised he brought it up the way he did by forcefully saying that I would eventually become one.

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 4 Points
  • 05:15:33, 21 February

There's a lot more to figure out about yourself than just your career.

  • [-]
  • YeOldeDog
  • 6 Points
  • 01:49:18, 21 February

Hrmmm. Look, having been married over 20 years I can tell you that thinking you are ready or not does not really prepare you for the realities of marriage. It does not sound like a stupid idea to get married as you lay it out. Sexual compatibility is a biggie, many people arrive in marriage counselling trying to 'recapture magic' that was never even there.... which is odd but true. That said over many years sexual desire for one another imbalances anyway, even if you were as hot as knives for one another for years at the start. You have to both want to work on it long term.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 3 Points
  • 03:42:45, 21 February

So what you're saying is there's no amount of preparation I can do. In the end we'll have problems anyways and we'll work them out together?

  • [-]
  • BullsLawDan
  • 2 Points
  • 05:40:48, 21 February

> Hrmmm. Look, having been married over 20 years I can tell you that thinking you are ready or not does not really prepare you for the realities of marriage

Man, this is so true. Almost 12 years married here, 17 years together. You're completely right - eventually you just jump in and go with it.

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 5 Points
  • 00:21:25, 21 February

If you're not sure, you're not ready. Besides that, sexual compatibility is pretty important in a marriage. Also, his beliefs in gender roles bug you, then that's a big deal too, and yet another red flag that it wouldn't work out. You're still growing, you're still getting what you want organized. From an internet stranger reading a few paragraphs about something extremely complicated: it won't work out, you should move on or tell him you're not going to be ready for marriage soon. Fuck what families think.

Shop around homie.

edit: changed shop around to female version

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:18:57, 21 February

I get that sexual compatibility is important, but I'm under a lot of pressure from my family to wait until marriage. In addition, I don't really want to have sex with men unless I love them, so I guess you could say the only person I'm interested in having sex with is him right now.

The gender roles thing isn't that big of a deal. It does bug me a bit, but I can see where he's coming from (conservative family) and I"m willing to compromise with him on it.

>If you're not sure, you're not ready.

I guess my response to this is, what do I need to do to get ready?

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 3 Points
  • 04:23:05, 21 February

I'm sorry if I'm rude here, but both your families are a problem. You clearly recognize it, choose to do nothing about it, but just want to bitch about it.

>His parents have been pressuring him to marry for aall his mom asks him is “When will I see my grandchildren?”....... Recently it’s gotten so bad that she said that once while I was there with him in the room......... They want me to get married, and they want me to seriously think about it now before its too late.......His parents are pressuring him a lot.I'm under a lot of pressure from my family to wait until marriage.

You're an adult. He's an independent professional, you're soon to be. Either completely live up to your parents expectations or tell them to fuck off. They want what they think is the best for you, but are clearly not interested in your input about what that best is. You can either stop complaining about them or tell them off, because they aren't going to change.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 04:56:30, 21 February

I'm not complaining about them, I mentioned them because they are a part of this issue. I don't want to cut them off entirely. I want to be on good terms with them.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 3 Points
  • 04:58:33, 21 February

They don't seem concerned about being on good terms with you....

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 1 Points
  • 04:48:31, 21 February

Sounds like you've made up your mind. I have no advice as I havent been there before, sorry.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:58:53, 21 February

I'm curious why you think I've made up my mind. I'm still on the fence :/. Part of me wants to get married because it makes the situation so much simpler, but another part of me is just scared of marriage in general.

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 1 Points
  • 13:46:40, 21 February

I don't know really know what to tell you. Me, personally, I don't think age or other people's (family's) feelings should come into the equation. I think getting married to make things simpler is a bad reason to get married. I think if this was a good decision, you would feel confident and good about the decision. In the end, it really boils down to what you think is important for your happiness. Good luck :)

  • [-]
  • Zoefic
  • 3 Points
  • 02:07:07, 21 February

I agree with all these posts that you don't sound ready for marriage, not because of age per se, but if you think you are too young, you are. And it is very telling that you say you don't want to get married only to find out that you're incompatible, but then list a couple huge incompatibilities. Sex may or may not be an issue, but you've got no way to know. And disagreeing over your long term life goals? That's huge. If you specifically wanted to be a housewife, well, great. If you subscribe to traditional gender norms, then great. But you don't sound like you do, and that could be a very rocky foundation upon which to build a marriage. If you aren't on the same page, one (or, more likely, both) of you are going to be very unhappy.

And from one Chinese girl to another, a possible response to your parents' pressure to marry young: "You instilled in me a great respect for the institution of marriage and the value of family. It is very important to me to be the best possible wife and mother I can be. I don't want to rush into a marriage before I'm confident I can perform those roles to the best of my abilities, and I think I have some growing to do before I'm ready."

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:44:28, 21 February

> That's huge. If you specifically wanted to be a housewife, well, great. If you subscribe to traditional gender norms, then great.

It's not that I specifically wanted to be a housewife. I was just kind of taken aback that he almost expected me to go along with it. I personally don't have a problem, and would love to be with my kids all day at home, but just hearing it from him just kind of surprised me.

>And from one Chinese girl to another, a possible response to your parents' pressure to marry young: "You instilled in me a great respect for the institution of marriage and the value of family. It is very important to me to be the best possible wife and mother I can be. I don't want to rush into a marriage before I'm confident I can perform those roles to the best of my abilities, and I think I have some growing to do before I'm ready."

I'll tell them this.

  • [-]
  • KyleGG
  • 2 Points
  • 03:41:15, 21 February

Don't give up working as an engineer for him. You'll be well off on your own and don't need his $200k salary. It's not worth giving up your life because he's stuck in the 60's.

(I'm finishing up an ECE degree myself!!)

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 04:08:43, 21 February

It's not that I need his $200k salary, but especially with the economy, I'd be lying if I said it isn't a bonus.

And I didn't mean for my post to vilify him as someone stuck in the 60s. He's really sweet. What he meant was when we have kids he'd like me to be a stay at home mom for a while to take care of them, then after they grow up a bit I can continue with my career. The reason I was upset by it is because he mentioned it in a way as if he expected me to go along with it. Of course, I don't have a problem. I'm ok staying at home. I got a problem with him assuming that for me.

  • [-]
  • KyleGG
  • 1 Points
  • 04:18:08, 21 February

>The reason I was upset by it is because he mentioned it in a way as if he expected me to go along with it.

Sounds like the 60's.

Does he expect you to do his laundry too?

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 04:54:22, 21 February

He pitches in with the housework.

  • [-]
  • BullsLawDan
  • 1 Points
  • 05:43:12, 21 February

I expect my wife to do my laundry. What's wrong with having tasks that certain people do?

  • [-]
  • KyleGG
  • 3 Points
  • 07:38:29, 21 February

>What's wrong with having tasks that certain people do?

Nothing, if she enjoy's doing it for you and you didn't make her do it in the first place. If you split up the house work well I don't see a problem. In this context it seems OP's SO is expecting her to fulfill the traditional housewife role, at the cost of her career & potential livelihood. I'd expect he'd feel similarly regarding basic household chores.

  • [-]
  • cajunFAITH
  • 1 Points
  • 07:50:47, 21 February

I literally wish my wife can make the money i make. I would gladly stay at home and do house work. GLADLY.

Some people love doing house work. I go to work, 13 hours a day sometimes 6 days a week. My wife stays home and does eeverything on the inside of the house, including trash and laundry.

What is wrong with a woman doing that? Or even a man doing it?

  • [-]
  • KyleGG
  • 1 Points
  • 08:40:07, 21 February

>Nothing, if she enjoy's doing it for you and you didn't make her do it in the first place.

I think I already answered that.

  • [-]
  • cajunFAITH
  • 1 Points
  • 09:54:05, 21 February

Not really generated towards you, it was more of a rhetorical question. Sorry

  • [-]
  • BullsLawDan
  • 2 Points
  • 05:42:29, 21 February

>It's not worth giving up your life

Maybe her job isn't her life. Ever think of that?

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 4 Points
  • 04:01:13, 21 February

I'm going to be that guy.

Get married.

Pros: - No more nagging from family - You'll secure stability for your life - You'll be able to lock down a high value man - You'll be able to have kids early like you wanted

There are cons of course. I'm not going to detail them because I think you know what they are and a lot of the other commenters brought them up.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to wait you can wait, but if you're approaching the wall around 30 (your looks start to fade, pregnancy risk goes up, quality of eggs decrease) and then you expect to marry a man who makes six-figures you're going to have a hard time. Men who are handsome, tall, funny, high-earners, among other things are going to go for younger women because they can. it sounds to me like he's one of those men and that he wants you.

And I can't speak on his behalf, but take it from a guy who's going into a high-paying field. If I make that kind of money I'm going to want to find a woman who is young and wants to start a family with me. I'm not going to look for women that are significantly older. And I don't care much about her career because I'll have a career of my own that can provide for the both of us.

To me, it sounds like you want to get married to this man, and that you have feelings for him, but you fear that if you jump into a marriage with him now all hell will break lose and then your family will disown you (not that extreme but you get my point). The thing is, all marriages have troubles, and you're going to have to work them out.

My parents had an arranged marriage. They barely knew anything about one another, and their parents arranged the marriage because of this reasoning: "hmm… he's an engineer.. went to a good school… he'll make a lot of money. hmmm… she's young… plenty of child bearing years…. is beautiful…. ok let's get them married." (Yes, I know, extremely old fashioned).

Look, as a son from an arranged marriage (I'm Indian btw), whose parents were both virgins when they married (didn't know squat about sexual compatibility), marrying him is a good decision. Marriage isn't based 100% on emotions/feelings. It's not 100% about whether you love him or not, a big part has to do with the finances and how you two were raised. You're both college-educated so you both are smart, he's doing well financially and you said that you DO have feelings for him. Why should you not get married? The issues you bring up can be worked out.

Of course you're going to feel nervous, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't reject marriage.

Also, I read a comment from below that you wrote. If he really is under a lot of pressure, there is a very good chance he will get up and leave to search for someone else because of his family.

This isn't a perfect situation, but you're getting something close to perfect. I strongly suggest you don't let insecurity get the better of you and persuade you to not get married. If you really love this man you should have no problem trusting that at the very least what doesn't work out can be resolved with him.

Edit: Also, my mom got married at the same age you did.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 04:16:21, 21 February

Ok thanks for your input. It's nice to hear a differing opinion because I was on the fence not leaning one way or the other. It seemed like all of reddit wanted me to go one way but not the other. You put me back on the fence so now I'm able to think about this longer.

>The biggest thing you need to understand is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to wait you can wait, but if you're approaching the wall around 30 (your looks start to fade, pregnancy risk goes up, quality of eggs decrease) and then you expect to marry a man who makes six-figures you're going to have a hard time. Men who are handsome, tall, funny, high-earners, among other things are going to go for younger women because they can. it sounds to me like he's one of those men and that he wants you.

This is honestly the biggest thing I've learned from this sub. I guess I'm not going to take my looks for granted and start seriously considering marriage now. If not with this man, at least with someone rather quickly.

  • [-]
  • ahatmadeofshoes12
  • -1 Points
  • 04:27:48, 21 February

That sounds more like a business arrangement then a marriage.

  • [-]
  • BullsLawDan
  • 5 Points
  • 06:48:22, 21 February

I'm at a very different point in life than you are, so I'm going to tell you something that might shock you:

Marriage is, in many ways, a business arrangement.

You're arranging your affairs with someone(s). You're paying bills, bringing in revenue, managing other people (kids), maintaining property, organizing logistics. A good marriage has a lot in common with a burgeoning small business.

Reading your post history, I can get what is admittedly a limited view of what stage you're at. And I can tell you, it's not always going to be kinky fun and romantic moments and happy fun times. A marriage is work. Mostly fun work, but sometimes the kind of shitty work that every job has, too.

We divide our jobs in our business. I'm the Chairman of the Board - I make the big decisions: What kind of cars we buy, where we go on vacation, whether we put in a pool at this house or move to a new house, stuff like that. She's the CEO. She runs the day to day stuff and doesn't ask for my permission or approval to do things like skip cooking dinner and order out if there's some reason to. I'm the CTO. She's the CFO. I'm the medic. She's the chef. I'm the mechanic. She's the maid. I'm the janitor. She's the painter. I'm the carpenter.

There are times when we feel like two ships passing in the night. There are times when we wonder what we're doing, and where our only communication for a whole day is to give each other status -updates on the "business" we've been conducting. There are times when the baby feeds all night or I have to work from home and we don't get as much physical intimacy as we'd like.

But there are times when our division of labor really pays off. Our vacation to Disney World, where everything went awesome and our kids still point to it as the best week of their life, a few years later. The Thanksgiving day where we hosted close to 20 people in our house. The moment when your kid's teacher says she wishes she could clone your daughter and have nothing but her in class forever, or when your other kid's Pinewood Derby car that he worked so hard on is voted "Coolest Car" by his whole Pack for the second year in a row. The moment when the old lady you see in the church every week takes your infant's hand and says she has watched your kids and knows that they're being "raised right."

Even during the bad times - the furnace breaks, the car breaks, the kid is sick - we benefit from the fact that we run things like we're a team, a business. Everyone working in their position and doing their best.

And there's moments for us, too. Running things like a business means we can count on each other and gives us more moments for us. The kids all order at a restaurant and there's a couple of quiet seconds where she rubs my leg with her foot under the table. We take an evening out to enjoy an orchestra (with Matthew Morrison of Glee!). We watch Sherlock and spend the night laying in bed giggling and saying "Jim Moriarty... hiiiiii" in our best Andrew Scott voices. We take a vacation, just the two of us, and go out for a nice dinner. She grabs my hand and whispers as we're walking into the restaurant that she's not wearing any panties under her dress, and puts my hand right on her ass. The kids get on the bus and I sneak back inside for a quickie. The power goes out and we spend a few hours in bed snuggling and making love.

Marriage is a business. It can be a steady blue chip or a volatile dot com stock. It can be Amazon or Enron. When you treat the "must do" things like a business, and you at least plan the "want to do" things that way, it can be fantastic. Amazing. Makes life worth living. The kind of business you can't even imagine on your best day at work.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:44:20, 21 February

Reading your response here has really helped me figure out what to do. Thank you.

  • [-]
  • ahatmadeofshoes12
  • 1 Points
  • 12:25:04, 21 February

I mean I get that day to day stuff has to be somewhat a business arrangement but I don't think that's all it can be. I think you ultimate have to have love, history, compatibility, shared goals and the same values. I don't think you can pick a partner just because he has a good job and your family likes him. I think a good relationship requires so much more than that.

My relationship is not all fun either. My partner and I are both graduate students so we're under a ton of stress and school takes up most of both of our time. We get through it though because there is love and compatibility and we have the same goals and values. If I actually cared about having a partner as a provider I wouldn't be with an architecture student (I'll probably end up making more then him). But that doesn't matter. I don't think money makes you happy, I just want enough money to support us and is both to be living our dreams in the careers we've worked our whole lives for.

You do have to be partners, but I think that arrangement needs to be based off more then just business, that seems like a really sad life. I know couples like that who don't really love each other but they stay together because they have kids and want they run a household together. I never want to be that person.

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 1 Points
  • 04:48:20, 21 February

Like I said, for a marriage to suceed, it can't be based off of purely emotions.

My parents are an extreme example, but they are proof about what I'm talking about. They didn't know each other, so they certainly didn't love each other, but because my grandparents objectively looked at what each person had to offer the other in the relationship and made a clear decision without feelings involved, they were able to accurately predict that the marriage would last.

My parents have been married for 25 years. That's much better than a lot of other couples who have divorces 4-7 years because of things like their finances, kids, etc.

All I'm saying is that if she wants the comfortable life that she keeps saying she wants, she should see that getting married now is a good choice. She may be nervous and unsure, but if the man is who she says he is, he'll be able to provide her the life she wants.

Edit: Specifically regarding the business bit. She said she loves him, and as a man who's going into a high-paying career, I promise you he would not consider her for marriage if he didn't love her. People like us fear golddiggers and would only commit to people we really love.

  • [-]
  • ahatmadeofshoes12
  • 1 Points
  • 12:19:06, 21 February

I just think that's a sad life going into a marriage for purely practical reasons. Marriage should be based on more then that and it should be a choice you make for yourself. Not something others decide for you.

And I know couples like that, where their marriage is just a business partnership. My exes parents were like that. They were raised really Christian and conservative so they married young without dating or having sex. Ultimately there was nothing real for them to base the marriage on. There was no love or compatibility and they stayed just for the kids and because their religion wouldn't allow divorce. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen.

  • [-]
  • direwolfed
  • 4 Points
  • 00:40:55, 21 February

> The thing is … I’m just so young.

You gave the answer on how you feel about it right here. If you are not ready you are not ready. You will know when you are ready for such a commitment.

> if I don't get married before 30 I'm going to start having difficulty finding relationships.

not true. I find it easier to find relationships.

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 4 Points
  • 00:42:13, 21 February

> not true. I find it easier to find relationships.

Hilarious.

  • [-]
  • direwolfed
  • 1 Points
  • 00:45:29, 21 February

couldn't resist .. I'm never getting married.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:33:30, 21 February

But you're a man. There are plenty of men who marry later in their lives upper 20s/lower 30s, but atleast in Chinese culture, for a woman to mrary that late is seen as shocking.

  • [-]
  • direwolfed
  • 2 Points
  • 05:18:56, 21 February

There are certain ethnic pressures in your situation which changes things and being a first generation Asian American I totally understand. I'm not sure if you're from US or not but I'm just saying that you're still young. Long term wise you have a pretty good man lined up but don't live to meet others expectations.

Find out what makes you happy. I know several Chinese American women who married early do to family pressures and are now divorced and as happy as ever because they are now living as they want and have a better understanding of how to make themselves happy.

I'm not saying that it's not going to work with your SO now. I'm just sharing that finding happiness is by listening to your heart, your inner self. Not your head, what others tell you. I wish you the best :).

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:33:06, 21 February

I know that having a family with a good husband is something I want that will make me happy. I know that he's a good candidate for it.

But like you said, I guess there's no real way for me to know since I haven't been married.

  • [-]
  • NAMASTE_BITCHES
  • 1 Points
  • 13:43:08, 21 February

Maybe discuss your concerns with him? Especially the gender role and sexual compatibility parts. He can want to to be a SAHM, but if you don't what then? Some men will resent you and make your life hell over this; others will shrug and say "oh well, she needs to do what she thinks is right."

  • [-]
  • Belge
  • 2 Points
  • 00:17:45, 21 February

My parents got engaged at 21 and got married 2 years later. Imo you can do whatever you want even if no one has, but I think 22 is the perfect age.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 03:15:43, 21 February

Thanks! Can you tell me though, was their marriage very rocky at the start or was it stable? I know that all marriages have troubles, I just want to get an idea of what to expect.

  • [-]
  • dakru
  • 3 Points
  • 00:36:52, 21 February

> Also, sin, because that's a recipe for disaster.ce this is /r/askmen Can I just ask... do men really place that much importance on youth? The way he talked about it last night made me feel as if it's a big deal and that if I don't get married before 30 I'm going to start having difficulty finding relationships.

Youthfulness is something of an important factor in a woman's desirability as a partner, yes. A woman will usually have more options at 25 than she will at 35. It might not be politically correct to say, and it might not be what people like to hear, but it's generally true. (On the flip side, a lot of things that are important for a man's desirability as a partner like charisma and social status are pretty difficult to attain as a young guy, so a lot of guys have their tough time finding partners when they're younger rather than when they're older.)

There are right and wrong ways to react to this reality, though. It'd be wrong to jump into a marriage that you're not confident in just because you're getting older. That's just going to result in a bad marriage and then maybe a divorce that will put you back into the dating scene even later than you'd otherwise be. When people talk about women ignoring the reality that age matters, they mean women who just have a bunch of casual sex until they turn 30 and then try to figure out what to do from there. You're not at all in their situation.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 03:25:06, 21 February

>A woman will usually have more options at 25 than she will at 35.

So you're saying it is ok if I wait a bit since I don't feel 100% comfortable, but not too long?

>When people talk about women ignoring the reality that age matters, they mean women who just have a bunch of casual sex until they turn 30 and then try to figure out what to do from there.

I figured this out a while ago by talking to my brother and my BF. On top of that, a lot of my guy friends at my university have told me that they wouldn't consider many of the girls they slept with for marriage.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 3 Points
  • 00:41:33, 21 February

>Can I just ask... do men really place that much importance on youth?

Attractiveness, not youth. It just happens that it often diminishes with age.

And it's not only that. Most people at least get together with the people they're gonna marry in their 20s. If you are 30 and single, finding people gets harder as more and more people are in stable relationships.

That being said... If you aren't sure, don't marry him. You shouldn't make a lifelong commitment without being sure.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 3 Points
  • 03:37:49, 21 February

Ok. Judging from this comment and other comments, I guess the most important thing I've gotten is don't be single in your 30s and expect to get married from the same type of man. Correct?

  • [-]
  • BullsLawDan
  • 3 Points
  • 05:44:09, 21 February

No man dreams of marrying a woman over 30. Tell a single man to close his eyes and picture his wedding day, not a single one will be imagining a 35-year-old bride.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:33:41, 21 February

Yeah some of the responses here coupled with what he said last night (and I just now talked to him more in depth on this subject) has really opened my eyes about this.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 1 Points
  • 07:11:11, 21 February

Pretty much, yeah.
As you said, he's a good candidate on paper. They don't tend to stay single for too long, unless they never want to have serious relationships to begin with.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:37:02, 21 February

He does want to have a serious relationship. It was he who brought up marriage.

Thanks for your comment. After a lot of thinking, I'm beginning to lean towards a decision now.

  • [-]
  • misskay44
  • 4 Points
  • 00:23:23, 21 February

If I were in your place, I'd probably fold under the parental pressure and marry him, whether I felt like it was the right or wrong thing to do. So I don't really have any useful advice, but I hope the decision you make improves your life and makes you happier in the long run.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 03:19:24, 21 February

Ok :(

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 4 Points
  • 00:37:05, 21 February

> The problem is, I’ve read so many posts where people’s marriages are incompatible because of sex issues. Like, he’ll want it more and she’ll want it less or vice versa and it ends up leading to divorce. That is possibly the worst thing that could happen to either of us as divorce is frowned upon so heavily in our culture.

Tell him that this worries you a lot and that you think it would be better to test that. You think so right? He loses nothing since he already isn't a virgin anymore. You lose nothing since even with a new potential husband that fear will be still there and stop you from saying yes, if it does stop you now.

> Part of me is upset that he wants me to quit my job

> I never really felt as passionate for it as I did for art, which is what I really wanted to do.

So you are upset that he wants you to quit a job you are not going to like anyway.

You seem to operate a lot on social pressure. Just know, if you are trying to please everyone you are going to get nowhere. You need to find out what you want.

  • [-]
  • TimPartendale
  • 2 Points
  • 06:47:04, 21 February

> You seem to operate a lot on social pressure.

Talk about ignorant, it's called a collectivist culture when the family unit is more important than the individual. Here in the U.S we are more individualistic which explains your comment.

She knows what she wants for the most part if you read her post, however she doesn't know if she should marry or not. That's why she posted this.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:32:20, 21 February

> You lose nothing since even with a new potential husband that fear will be still there and stop you from saying yes, if it does stop you now.

This is false. If I have sex with him and then for whatever reason we don't end up together, I'm not going to hear the end of it from my parents. On top of that, a lot of successful men who I may be interested in won't give me the time of day because of their conservative beliefs.

>You seem to operate a lot on social pressure. Just know, if you are trying to please everyone you are going to get nowhere. You need to find out what you want.

All I want is to live a simple comfortable life with a husband that I love and raise kids. I went into engineering mainly because my dad forced me to, but I understood his reasoning (economy, it pays wells) and accepted his decision. Being a stay at home doesn't seem to bother me that much. I guess the reason I felt upset is because it felt as if he was setting rules in place that I didn't agree to.

I'm going to talk to him about this topic specifically.

  • [-]
  • ahatmadeofshoes12
  • 2 Points
  • 04:20:39, 21 February

Why do your parents have to know if you have sex? What you do with your body is none of their damn business.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:55:15, 21 February

I agree, but I don't want to have sex before I get married in case he leaves me. Then a lot of future Chinese men who I may be really attracted to won't consider me as a partner. For a lot of them virginity is huge.

  • [-]
  • BisuPrime
  • 3 Points
  • 07:19:36, 21 February

I'm curious, where do you live that these men have such conservative thinking?

I'm Asian (m). Huge chunk of my friends are Asian. I've yet to hear this stuff out of any of them.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:38:20, 21 February

You're not going to like this answer, but my family introduced him to me at a get together at one of my relatives house. They didn't tell me then and there to start going out with him, but looking back, it was pretty obvious that my family was trying to set me up with him.

  • [-]
  • ahatmadeofshoes12
  • 0 Points
  • 12:22:09, 21 February

That's disgusting honestly, you are worth more then that. You're sexual decisions don't define you. If it were me I'd see that as a good thing. Any guy who is backwards enough to care about virginity which is the most arbitrary thing is really not someone who deserves you. You're worth so much more than that and you deserve to be valued for more then not having had a penis inside you.

  • [-]
  • b4dm1n7on
  • 1 Points
  • 00:45:58, 21 February

I'm Chinese so I definitely understand what you're talking about. My dad has been telling me that he was married when he was 25 since I was 23. My mom was 23 when she got married. I'm currently engaged and we are both 27. I think he is really feeling the pressure from his parents if he's still living at home. That's part of the many reasons I moved out even though it was financially straining. I'm saying this because I do know how difficult it is to stay at home as a Chinese man being older than 24. Having said all that, I think it is too early for you to be married if you feel you're not ready. I know a lot of Chinese women being married even before graduating from college, but they wanted it. What's important is if you feel comfortable or not. If your guy can't support it, it's best to get out early so he can find someone else.

I think I'll take this chance to tell you about my SO and me. We met at church February of 2012 but she largely ignored me in the beginning. It wasn't until that September that we started to get to know each other through social outings and whatnot. We started seeing each other after the new year and was engaged that June 2013. By Chinese standards I'm pretty mediocre. Designer working in a cubicle job earning $38k. However both sides knew that we are ridiculously in love and that that we identify to the Western culture anyway.

I believe you have plenty of time to meet someone else if you are being rushed and want to get out. If you want to work before having kids, go for it. If you think you'll be fine or even enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, all the power to you. Just as long as you don't regret your decisions. At the end of the day, what we say is just our suggestions. You know your situation better than any of us. When you make your decision, don't look back. If you marry him, don't worry about the what you could have done. If you leave him, don't worry about how it could have been with him. Feel good about your decision, what ever it is.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:41:46, 21 February

> I know a lot of Chinese women being married even before graduating from college, but they wanted it.

Can you tell me what made them want it? What needs to happen, or, how will I know 100% that I want to get married.

I guess what's frustrating me right now is the fact that I love this man and I can see a future with him, but I'm my reaction to his talking about marriage wasn't "Yes I'll marry you now." I just want to figure out why.

>If you want to work before having kids, go for it.

This is not me at all. I don't want to delay kids. I want to have them early. Personally, this is something that bugs me about /r/AskWomen and /r/relationships. They seem to ignore the fact that after age 30 the quality of eggs decrease and after 35 there are so many more risks to pregnancy.

  • [-]
  • thelyphonida
  • 1 Points
  • 01:35:02, 21 February

I just read the title, and that is the exact reason I broke up with one of my girlfriends. and at the same age. I'm glad I did it, and I think you should definitely stay away from marriage until you are absolutely sure.

  • [-]
  • sweetnuffinz
  • 2 Points
  • 04:40:10, 21 February

If he's your best friend and it feels right, do it! If you have any doubts delay the wedding and maybe do some relationship counselling.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:58:02, 21 February

I think we're going to have to work through some struggles as all couples do anyways and that counseling probably will enter the picture.

And yeah a huge part of me is considering just getting married to him. It'll simplify the situation so much, and he's already a great guy. it's going to be hard for me to find someone who can top him.

  • [-]
  • sweetnuffinz
  • 1 Points
  • 07:58:01, 21 February

I saw something a while ago about how counselling is good to get before marriage as expectations change, etc.

Also kinda sounds like you don't want to, is he your best friend?

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:40:36, 21 February

Sorry didn't realize it was unclear. We've been in a relationship for 2 years. We're BF/GF. It's not that I don't want to. Marriage with him seems like a good idea. It's just that this whole thing is unexpected and a bit scary.

Counseling seems like a good idea. I'll talk to him about it.

  • [-]
  • sweetnuffinz
  • 1 Points
  • 11:40:59, 21 February

Good luck

  • [-]
  • toobadihideaboot
  • 2 Points
  • 04:51:21, 21 February

> So the biggest thing I've learned is that as I grow older the dating pool is going to shrink by some amount, and that it is harder to settle down with the type of men I want to as I grow older.

Um...what? This makes very little sense. If anything the dating pool of eligible mature men increases. Sure a ton of guys would date you right now. But they're all still boys basically.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:30:43, 21 February

But older men who are successful are going to have options and may not want to be with me when I'm much older.

  • [-]
  • jagermeistr
  • 1 Points
  • 07:03:00, 21 February

Forget about this stuff about the dating pool getting smaller. It just balances and things become easier for guys. Women still have options, especially in this generation where people are marrying later.

I understand your frame of reference is conservative Chinese and family is important but you need to remember one thing- you go into the grave by yourself. What I mean by that is it's your life- you didn't choose to come into the world, so you should get to choose what you do with it. You aren't living someone else's dreams.

You shouldn't do things because you think it'll make other people (aka your boyfriend, his parents, your parents) happy. What is important is that you make yourself content for the long term. If you aren't ready for marriage yet, that's ok. He's 29, he's had 7 years of time to find himself and not be married- it's only fair you have the same.

Do you want to bring children into a world where there's tension between their mother and father? Do you think it's fair to him to get married, discovered it's not working after the fact and get divorced? Do you think it's going to make him feel good on your wedding day to know his wife isn't as into it as he is?

I'm not telling you not to do it- just wait until your ready and enthusiastic about it. If that doesn't happen, you need to have faith that he isn't the right person and the right one is still out there waiting for you to meet up. Either way, wait until you have no reservations and want it to happen.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:35:43, 21 February

> He's 29, he's had 7 years of time to find himself and not be married- it's only fair you have the same.

I agree, but it's harder for older women to get married.

>If that doesn't happen, you need to have faith that he isn't the right person and the right one is still out there waiting for you to meet up. Either way, wait until you have no reservations and want it to happen.

He is the right one. He's one of the best men I know. it's just I wish he could wait for me a couple of years or so but I know that just can't happen because of his situation.

  • [-]
  • 10b-5
  • 1 Points
  • 08:50:37, 21 February

>Tried posting this to /r/AskWomen[1] but it got removed

Why?

I know they have a good share of complete moron mods, but why would this be removed?

As to your subject matter; if you're not sure, the answer is no. It really is that simple.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:42:21, 21 February

One of the mods told me that my post should be submitted to /r/relationships. i tried posting there, but it gave me an error saying "you are doing that too much, try again in 10 minutes."

So I came here.

Thanks for the advice. After reading the responses from people here, I know what I need to do to no longer be "not sure."

  • [-]
  • 10b-5
  • 1 Points
  • 10:58:04, 21 February

> I know what I need to do to no longer be "not sure."

Good luck :)

  • [-]
  • crankypants15
  • 1 Points
  • 11:58:53, 21 February

Don't fall to cultural pressures which create unhealthy relationships.

Do not get married until age 25-27. The human brain is not fully developed until age 25, at least. See "Brain undeveloped until (about) age 25." There's a reason why divorce stats are higher when people marry younger. Divorce stats for couples of various ages.

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • -2 Points
  • 00:36:56, 21 February

I'd say 22 is way to early, especially since you are so uncertain in the relationship. You need to KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with someone before you make that kind of jump. Do not worry about being too old at 30. There are plenty of people at that age or older who have no problem with relationships. You can and you will meet other men just as good or even better than him.

And frankly waiting for marriage is not going to benefit either of you, for reasons I think you've already figured out.

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 3 Points
  • 00:40:26, 21 February

Well that won't be 29 year old lawyers who make 200k$ a year and have no problems finding a 22 year old who wants to date them.

So saying she'll find men just as good or even better is quite a stretch. From what is written in the text he does set the bar pretty damn high.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:46:46, 21 February

Yeah…. i don't want to lose him simply because I don't feel ready. The money is nice, but there is so much more. And I know he can be a good husband.

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • 1 Points
  • 00:44:48, 21 February

And if she marries for money her inevitable relationship problems will be on her head. But I think she's smart enough to realize that's not going to work out for her.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 09:47:33, 21 February

The money is an added perk, I swear I'm not marrying for that.

Though I never hear the end of it from my parents. "He's rich! That should be a good enough reason to marry him right now!"

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • 1 Points
  • 13:18:42, 21 February

Well... that alone proves your parents have no idea what makes a good marriage.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 2 Points
  • 03:29:15, 21 February

> You need to KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with someone before you make that kind of jump.

I know that if I spend the rest of my life with him I will have a comfortable life overall, but I don't know if this is the best decision for me to make.

I agree waiting for marriage will cause problems, but if I don't wait there are going to be a lot of rumors about us from our extended family members and frankly I'd just stay a virgin than ruin my relationship with my family and his family. Plus, my parents were both virgins when they married each other and she said to me that if she was able to work it out with my dad and manage to raise me well, then I should have no problem working it out with him and raising good children as well.

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • 1 Points
  • 03:33:34, 21 February

There is a hell of a lot more to marriage than having a comfortable life, having sex before marriage is absolutely fine and if you're already considering marriage that should not be something that would cause "rumors" in the first place, and frankly if something so simple would ruin your relationship with your own family you're better off without them. And, of course, there is also more to marriage than raising kids.

You are very obviously not ready or willing to get married and THAT IS TOTALLY FINE, whatever your family seems to think, and you are not going to turn into some old hag at 25 or whatever your boyfriend seems to think.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:04:02, 21 February

I want to be on good terms with my family though, and I don't mind getting married early if it helps ensure our relationship stay strong.

It's not that I'm going to turn into an old hag at 25 but other commenters like /u/dakru have a point. He's under a lot of pressure and he may get up and leave and look for some other young woman that is ready to marry. I don't want to lose out on him because he really is a great man just because I wasn't ready.

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • 0 Points
  • 04:11:15, 21 February

You've pointed out any number of ways you two don't work well together, and so far the only positive I've heard is the money he makes. You are worrying WAAAY too fucking much about being "too old" when you are, at twenty fucking two, NOWHERE NEAR THAT.

  • [-]
  • Is22TooEarly
  • 1 Points
  • 04:53:09, 21 February

I know I'm nowhere near old right now, but I don't want to let him go, only to have to spend another 3 years or so finding someone I'm compatible with. Then what if that man leaves me for whatever reason--maybe he's being pressure to marry, or he finds a younger woman he likes.

Basically, after reading a lot of the comments, I've come to understand that right now I can afford to be choosy, but later on if I keep to my standards it's going to get harder to find the type of man I want.

  • [-]
  • Kill_Welly
  • 1 Points
  • 13:18:18, 21 February

You are vastly overestimating how hard it will be to find someone else, as well as how likely a good partner is to just up and leave you.