My exfiance got cold feet, 4 years later she tells me she made a huge mistake. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

120 ups - 36 downs = 84 votes

I’ll give you guys a little backstory. I met my fiancé when I was in college, we had what I’d call a perfect relationship. We were both each other’s firsts. After college we both moved to a new city and started working a life together. Our relationship was perfect, her parents loved me, my parents loved her. We both brought out the best in each other.

After being together for 6 years, I decided to propose to her, and she said yes. I started noticing that she wasn’t that excited about planning the wedding, I thought every girl planned their wedding day since they were kids. She started becoming cynical of her future, she starts pointing out to how much she missed being “tied down with me.” I found out that her older sister was sabotaging our relationship but it too late by the time I found out. She ended up breaking things off with me. To find herself, which I can only attribute to fucking other guys.

Since then I have moved on, I found other girls but none of them rival the intensity I felt for my first girlfriend. It’s so fucking pathetic, every time I read a book I imagine my fiancé as the lead female character. When I fucking jack off 90% of the time it’s to her thought.

Recently she got my number through a mutual friend. And I didn’t want to talk to her, but my emotions got the better of me. I am pretty much addicted at this point, she starts telling me everything I wanted to hear, that she made a huge mistake , that I am her soul mate. I want to blame her sister for tricking her, but I don’t know how to feel about a girl who left me for the novelty of fucking other guys. I would love love to be like fuck you bitch and move on. But is that just my pride talking? Why do I still love and care about her.

My head is a hormonal mess, I know some of you guys must be thinking I am a fucking loser for this. I am not normally like this, in all seriousness. I usually have my head on straight, I am a rational guy.

150 comments submitted at 00:49:36 on Feb 24, 2014 by fiance45

  • [-]
  • Graeme_G
  • 120 Points
  • 00:54:59, 24 February

I'm just going to throw this out there, and this is just based off of what you've told me.

So she left you while engaged so she could sleep around without the guilt? Now that she's 'found herself' she wants to settle back down?

If she left once for this, what's stopping her again? You moved on, you don't deserve all this bullshit.

  • [-]
  • wild-tangent
  • 5 Points
  • 00:59:43, 24 February

Agreed. It's not worth it.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • 16 Points
  • 00:57:44, 24 February

I am not trying to defend her just saying what she said.

Back then she didn't know what was out there, and now she does she knows how great it was what we originally had.

  • [-]
  • barnesandnobles
  • 57 Points
  • 01:06:41, 24 February

> Back then she didn't know what was out there, and now she does she knows how great it was what we originally had.

That's her fuck up then. She sounds like the kind to jump ship the second she thinks she can get someone better. You really don't want to go through that.

  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 30 Points
  • 01:30:07, 24 February

And when she finds something that appears "better" while married?

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • 3 Points
  • 01:40:13, 24 February

I don't think there was a guy in particular, that she left me for, it was more so the fact that her entire adult life was with me.

  • [-]
  • Greyfeld
  • 40 Points
  • 03:24:00, 24 February

Which means one of two things:

  1. She already had doubts about staying with you, and her sister's interference gave her the excuse she needed to break it off.
  2. She's easily manipulated, and makes excuses for allowing others to control her.

Either way, this entire situation is just covered in red flags.

  • [-]
  • MilkHoney
  • 11 Points
  • 06:41:19, 24 February

I started dating my husband at 17 years old. Nothing anyone could have said would have made me break up with him. People tried the "you're so young you need to live a little before you settle down" thing, but if you really love the person you're marrying it just sounds ridiculous.

  • [-]
  • Aarondhp24
  • 6 Points
  • 07:48:28, 24 February

You came here to ask for advice OP. From men. We are overwhelmingly opposed to you getting back with your EX because she exhibits signs of being easily manipulated, fickle, and weak.

Take the advice or don't. Stop trying to convince us that what you want to do is the right choice.

  • [-]
  • febiswaytogo
  • 3 Points
  • 03:34:11, 24 February

My friend started dating this guy she met at a party. They seemed really great together and after living together she thought he was the one. But she was his first relationship ever at age 24. After about 3 years of dating he wanted to explore life and see what other people were like. He is a pretty awesome dude, I'm not sure why no chick bagged his 'girlfriend' moniker back in college.

  • [-]
  • alanslo
  • 28 Points
  • 01:00:24, 24 February

There's that question (whether it was sex without guilt) and there's also the question of "has she learned to deal with her sister?" If the answer to either of these are no, then she is desperate, not repentant.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • 1 Points
  • 01:09:26, 24 February

Her sister was and is still a jealous bitch. My girlfriend realizes now why her sister said what she said. Her sister is in her 30s and is still single. Her sister didn't want her younger sister to get married before her.

My gf see's why her sister did what she did.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 97 Points
  • 01:21:46, 24 February

You are calling your ex your "gf", I see.

Game over, gents. Good luck, OP. Hope it works out. No snark. I do.

  • [-]
  • notseriouslyserious
  • 33 Points
  • 01:36:43, 24 February

Fine, i'll do the snark.

Good luck OP, you gonna need it.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • -18 Points
  • 01:40:47, 24 February

I don't know what to call her now, we are talking.

  • [-]
  • merely_observing
  • 49 Points
  • 01:44:24, 24 February

She's still your ex if you haven't gotten back together.

Man, I'm a woman and I think she's bad news. I know you're still not over her, but this time you've gotta trust your brain over your heart. It's gonna hurt a lot but it's better in the long run. You deserve better than someone who leaves you to fuck around and only comes back when she's had her fill. You're not a parked car.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • 2 Points
  • 01:47:42, 24 February

I get what you are saying, I honestly wish there wasn't so much of a social pressure for people to have slept around. That if they only have one partner they don't know what they are missing. It wasn't just her sister, it was her friends too. I had people tell me the same shit as well.

  • [-]
  • merely_observing
  • 38 Points
  • 02:06:55, 24 February

I completely understand that. I hate that enforced 'you gotta sleep around to discover yourself' bullshit. It's not the only goddamn way to find out about yourself, Christ.

But here's the thing - just because someone was peer-pressured into something doesn't mean they're guilt-free. For example, let's say I, an ugly woman, am dating a really good looking guy, who is attracted to me. This guy constantly gets ragged on by his friends about me, telling him that he can do better, that he should have a conventionally hot girlfriend, etc. Imagine they convince him of it and he breaks up with me. Two years later, he contacts me, apologizing for the breakup, saying I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and that he only broke up with me because of societal pressure to have a beautiful SO.

Can I understand the societal pressure? Of course. But will I take him back? Absolutely fucking not, because he disrespected me. Do you really want to be with someone who would break your fucking heart over the opinions of others? Who can't even put the opinions of uninvolved people aside and think for themselves? You're worth more than that. It may be her sister and her friends who pressured her, but it was ultimately her who made the decision that you weren't worth it. Remember that.

Sorry this is so long, I just hate seeing people getting selfishly strung along.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 6 Points
  • 03:53:44, 24 February

I agree with most of what you said. Curious when and why it became the norm that people have to sabatoge relationships like this. why do they tell people they need to sleep around? Seems the people who give that advice are shallow whores (men or women) that cant find happines and have to fuck it up for everyone else. the sister is a pretty obvious example but OP mentions friends as well, why would they destroy their own friends happiness like that? It really makes no fucking sense to me. Is it the norm or just for the shallow party crew that fucks it up for the rest?

  • [-]
  • animusbulldog
  • 5 Points
  • 03:01:13, 24 February

If she's good and cares about you she won't need to see what's out there. The grass will be just fine where she is

  • [-]
  • CrueltiesBeast
  • 4 Points
  • 03:46:49, 24 February

Bro, do not get back with her. You're the prize in this relationship, and she gave up that prize when she broke up with you to fuck around. Now, she realized what she gave up and wants it back because she fucked up the best thing that she ever had for short term pleasure.

You deserve better than that.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 7 Points
  • 01:53:17, 24 February

Who cares about social pressure? You obviously weren't that same weak-minded individual that she was, and you didn't give in to the peer pressure like she did. That clearly illustrates a huge gap in the type of people you two are. She's not worth it.

  • [-]
  • yomammaspoodle
  • 5 Points
  • 05:18:33, 24 February

Look man, if you take her back, you might hear from her in a few years how she "settled" for you and shit like that. This time you may have kids, like the comments below are saying.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 22 Points
  • 01:53:32, 24 February

>My gf see's why her sister did what she did.

See here's the rub: She is still blaming her sister for her own actions, and you're letting her. I would run hard and far away from someone who fucks up something good and still can't accept they are responsible their actions. Unless the sister is literally the reincarnation of Niccolò Machiavelli, your ex is either a moron or broke up because that's exactly what she wanted to do.

  • [-]
  • V2Blast
  • 4 Points
  • 04:32:00, 24 February

Unless her sister literally manipulated her memories, she was still an adult who is supposed to be responsible for her own actions. And she's putting all the blame on her sister, as far as I can tell.

  • [-]
  • alanslo
  • 1 Points
  • 01:13:34, 24 February

Good. So that's one of two questions determined.

  • [-]
  • doubleboner
  • 11 Points
  • 01:01:30, 24 February

No, you are making excuses for her. She could easily do it again, and I'm assuming her sister is still alive. All you will do is find yourself in the same position.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 5 Points
  • 01:01:57, 24 February

What you "had" being the operative word.

Even if she is clueless, you need to remember that what you had is in the past.

  • [-]
  • Aarondhp24
  • 2 Points
  • 07:46:17, 24 February

That's a grass is greener mentality, and it absolutely makes me sick. My ex tried coming back after she saw me becoming the least little bit successful. No thanks. I'll find someone better who actually appreciates me for me.

  • [-]
  • melini
  • -2 Points
  • 08:18:34, 24 February

Hang on. I have to ask. Did she say she was leaving specifically to have sex with other people? Or did she just say she wasn't ready? I think you made some pretty harsh assumptions in your original post that a lot of people are clinging to as fact here.

  • [-]
  • Lochleon
  • 1 Points
  • 07:33:26, 24 February

>So she left you while engaged so she could sleep around without the guilt?

We do not know that is what happened. That is only what he assumes happened. For all we know, she had no physical relationships that entire time—and she was just fucking terrified of marrying the literally first guys she had ever been in a relationship with.

  • [-]
  • Graeme_G
  • 1 Points
  • 13:11:32, 24 February

I know, that's why I said it was all based off of what he's posted here. There's always two sides to a story.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 16 Points
  • 00:59:15, 24 February

> but I don’t know how to feel about a girl who left me for the novelty of fucking other guys.

Oh, I think you do, actually.

> Why do I still love and care about her.

You can love people who tear you in half. Brothers, parents, children, lovers. I promise you, you can love people who tear you in half. But that does not mean you let them back into your life the same way after they do it.

Wish her the best. Move. On. If you get back together, it will not be anything like it was, and that is not a good thing. You will always harbor a dark corner of reserve about how she really feels about you. Properly so, since a woman who could leave you once to have sex with other men is capable of doing it again.

Imagine if she needed to "find herself" again, this time by throwing you out of the house where your children live.

  • [-]
  • Labradadle
  • 36 Points
  • 01:10:36, 24 February

You were engaged and she left to fuck other guys? And now that's she's getting older and needs someone who can provide for her and support her children she's come back to you?

Rip up her phone number and block her.

A girl like that is only going to cheat on you or "get cynical" about marriage once again. Last time it happened you broke up pretty cleanly, next time you might be entangled with kids and finances.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 15 Points
  • 03:00:18, 24 February

> ...next time you might be entangled with kids and finances.

This is a scary, scary thing to think about. Not only could she end up hurting OP again emotionally, she could seriously damage him financially and any relationship he could have with any potential children.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 55 Points
  • 01:05:59, 24 February

She basically left you hanging to go screw other guys. Now that she's done and has had her fill of other guys, she expects to be able to just come back into your life at her convenience.

Cut off all communication, do not talk to her, and get rid of everything from your time with her.

You haven't allowed yourself to move on, which isn't in your best interest.

You deserve better than being someone's backup plan after going out and screwing a bunch of guys.

EDIT: Also, this: > I want to blame her sister for tricking her

Do NOT make excuses for your ex's poor decisions. She knew what she had, and she didn't care. She actually preferred other, random dicks to you, your love, and affection. Tough to accept, but it is fact.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • -7 Points
  • 01:07:37, 24 February

I have done everything I possibly could to move on yet, she still creeps up in my mind.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 29 Points
  • 01:18:01, 24 February

You masturbate to the thought of her, you have not done everything you possibly could. You just have to keep searching and digging, and don't let her enter your mind. Make the effort.

  • [-]
  • fiance45
  • -5 Points
  • 01:42:09, 24 February

I watch porn and she creeps up at the end it's not something I control either. And it's so fucking weird.

  • [-]
  • dramamagnet
  • 54 Points
  • 03:09:43, 24 February

Yo dude. I get where you're coming from. But you're not dating the girl you had a "perfect relationship" with. You're pining over a ghost. That girl is gone. You'll be getting the one who was misled by her sister, lived through several years of dating around without you, and who obviously had very different ideas than you about the value of your relationship.

So you need to lay that girl/ghost to rest, and focus on the living one, who also broke your heart, disrespected, and disappointed you. I can't tell you if she's worth dating, but you are getting the fallible flesh and blood girl, not the angel who exists mostly in your own mind. Be very careful to separate the two.

I understand why you might be a little reluctant to let go, since you loved her and it will very much finalize the sense of loss. These things can take a lot longer than you think. You might still pull a happy relationship out with your ex, but that "perfect" girl you dream about is gone. Accept that. It's just part of the long, occasionally sad, process of growing up.

Once you can accomplish that, you can make a clear-eyed choice on if you think she's worth spending your life with.

  • [-]
  • FoolishGypsy
  • 8 Points
  • 03:38:52, 24 February

Fucking well said.

  • [-]
  • Armoogeddon
  • 4 Points
  • 06:33:40, 24 February

That was brilliantly said. Regardless of what he chooses, he needs to get the "ghost" out of his head, or he fails either way. This "new" girl will never live up to the ghost if he chooses to take her back, and if he doesnt take her back, he is stuck with the ghost. Unless he moves past it. So either way, needs to move past the ghost.

  • [-]
  • dsnchntd
  • 3 Points
  • 07:53:49, 24 February

Dude, you shared a special part of your lives together, but she's gone now. You should get a buddy who is mature and will be your rock while moving on from her because everyone is weak after something like this.

That girl lives only in your mind now. It's hard to see now, but I guarantee that she's not your soul mate. As a matter of fact, there are a fuck ton of your soul mates out there, but you have to find them. If you get back with her, you'll be throwing away the happiness and love that you're going to have when you find your real soul mate.

You're not a loser, we've all been there. You're going to be okay, but don't let her drain you again.

  • [-]
  • nhocgreen
  • -14 Points
  • 02:52:26, 24 February

Sleep with her once to get it out of your system.

  • [-]
  • NecronDecker
  • 14 Points
  • 04:45:07, 24 February

DO NOT DO THIS. This is in the top 5 counter-productive things you could possibly do for the situation.

  • [-]
  • zoidberg1339
  • 6 Points
  • 06:10:40, 24 February

It's an absolutely terrible idea, and OP should absolutely not do that.

...That being said, if I was him, I would want to say "Okay, we can get back together", then hate fuck her so hard she can't walk, cum in her hair and dump her again.

I'm not a very nice person though.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 4 Points
  • 06:33:32, 24 February

Yeah, I'd do the same.
Not the best option if you still have feelings for her like OP does though.

  • [-]
  • zoidberg1339
  • 5 Points
  • 06:56:53, 24 February

Yeah, considering OP is obviously emotionally compromised he desperately needs to cut all contact with this woman otherwise, mark my words, he will get hurt again. And I wouldn't trust this woman to break up with him before fucking other guys this time.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 40 Points
  • 01:15:14, 24 February

/eyeroll

Yeah, well, I am sure Nick Sparks will be able to make a great movie out of this eternal love.

Wake up. The idea of her is what you obsess over. Not the person she is now.

  • [-]
  • smonzman
  • 17 Points
  • 01:18:40, 24 February

What's the old saying ... Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, shame on me.

You're not a fucking loser, you're human, we're flawed, we make mistakes. Sometimes we do what's wrong in the pursuit of right. In short, don't open a chapter you've already finished

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 9 Points
  • 01:23:36, 24 February

NO!

>Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, PREPARE TO DIE!

  • [-]
  • smonzman
  • 4 Points
  • 01:25:14, 24 February

Clearly you get it! Now hopefully the OP thinks the same way

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 7 Points
  • 01:25:49, 24 February

Worf is never wrong.

  • [-]
  • Release_the_KRAKEN
  • 7 Points
  • 01:24:22, 24 February

So just to clarify here:

Logically, you want to move on but you can't?

Or you seriously actually love her and want to know how valid it would be to go back and be with her?

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 9 Points
  • 01:55:09, 24 February

He probably should have posted at /r/relationships if he wanted to get the "Her past does not matter, she is choosing you now! That means you are a special man to her. She is a beautiful butterfly found her way home to you. blah blah blah"

Here he is more likely to get the straight dope: she is realizing that her expiration date is real.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 3 Points
  • 04:09:46, 24 February

I hate that shit and if i had read it there would have told him the same thing. She had her chance and threw it away because she was a child. She no longer has the value he is assigning her and the sooner he realizes that the better. Maybe he can use this as a chance to see what she is so he CAN finally get some damn closure. 4 years is a long time to be stuck on a daydream.

People change but some shit is just unforgivable.

  • [-]
  • NotSayingJustSaying
  • 6 Points
  • 01:27:41, 24 February

What's the worst that can happen? Can you live with that (again)?

  • [-]
  • sockpuppettherapy
  • 6 Points
  • 03:29:25, 24 February

Let's assume that she's a decent person. I don't think she's trying to con you, but there's always the threat that she didn't find anyone else, and now she's desperate in settling down with anyone.

You haven't kept up with her for the last few years, and you're probably lonely. That's understandable.

First off, there's no reason to be unreasonable to her. Be civil; there's no reason to tell her to fuck off unless she's a terrible human being. Ok, she broke off an engagement, but that happens (for whatever reason).

But to be honest, there's no guarantee that getting back with her would last. If you want to get back together with her, maybe date her for a bit and see how it goes.

But the bigger problem is she should have to convince you that she wouldn't leave again. Regardless of what she says, she needs to somehow actually provide some support to this notion.

And it's not being vindictive to say no. You have every reason to doubt that this would work. Hell, remain friends, give her life advice. But personally, I wouldn't get back together.

  • [-]
  • V2Blast
  • 1 Points
  • 04:27:46, 24 February

Good advice on all counts. OP should be civil, but realize that getting back together is probably just going to have the same problems as the first time (as well as the lingering worry that it'll all happen again).

  • [-]
  • sockpuppettherapy
  • 2 Points
  • 04:41:37, 24 February

I was sort of at this crossroads with my ex when she broke up with me and, afterwards, has kept contact. I'm good friends with her now, and I know she, on some level, wants to get back together.

But to be honest, every time I think about her I get a glimpse of the euphoria of this relationship I miss, followed by her breaking up a two year relationship with me almost instantaneously without me having a clue that she was unhappy.

It's terrifying for me to be committed to someone that was going to flake out without being clear what was actually wrong. And I feel like OP is in the same position here. I'd rather be single and have to be self-reliant than live in fear that my relationship will end tomorrow because of some minor build-ups with a person I cannot trust emotionally.

  • [-]
  • saxonjf
  • 4 Points
  • 04:47:09, 24 February

I'm going to go a slightly different direction, and this comes from a man who's had plenty of relationship issues, and I've been married for more than 10 years.

It's my belief that if you simply blow this off, giving it no chance to work out whatsoever, you'll regret it in the future. You'll always wonder if it might have worked out, because you never gave it a chance.

You know this women; you know her patterns; and you are also well in tune with her warning signs. Therefore, I would begin the relationship, start fresh, no guilt trips, no judgement, but keep your eyes wide open to those warning signs. Take the relationship very slow. She's telling you what you want to hear now, but you know well enough that the imperfections she has will still be there.

In order to decide to restart the relationship, sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how badly she hurt you, and that she still means a lot to you. But also let her know, from the very beginning of the relationship, that you love her, and want it to work out, but if she's falling into the same stuff she did before, it'll be over, once and for all. You cannot continue to go on letting her go, having her come back a few years later. Life has to go on, and it will go on, with or without her. She needs to understand she has something to lose, and it's worth having.

Keep you eyes open; pay attention to the warning signs; and make good on such a threat if she hurts you again. If she hurts you again, it will hurt badly. But you will have satisfied that wondering that it might have worked out.

  • [-]
  • Fret_Bavre
  • 11 Points
  • 03:01:00, 24 February

Well what do you want? You seem to think about this girl quite a bit even after everything that happened. Do you care for her, love her still? You are in a position now to re-traverse those roads and find the answers.

I would say don't let doubt get in the way again. The first time being on her part, this time now on you.

I love a good redemption. If You think this girl is willing to make good and prove herself, then let her if you think she's being honest.

Just be aware the ball is obviously in your court. Go slow, set the rules, let her know that you can't do what was done, again. See how she reacts, and maybe things will start to grow again.

That's what life is about, growth, redemption and sometimes in the opposite order. Not pride and doubt, that inevitably holds you back.

  • [-]
  • strandedsomewhere
  • 5 Points
  • 03:19:55, 24 February

I agree with this. Life and love is about redemption.

OP I don't think you should deny yourself the chance to be with her, given how much you still obviously love her, IF she has genuinely changed and understands that she can't treat you the way she did. Sometimes people get older and realize that they need to step up if they want to be worthy of other people's love.

Here you will be risking her breaking your heart again. Absolutely, that's true. But being an adult is also about taking risks, because the possible gains could be extraordinary. Take it slow, make her prove herself to you, and see how it goes. Maybe THAT will be the thing that finally releases you and allows you to move on!

  • [-]
  • honeytrader
  • 2 Points
  • 08:08:53, 24 February

I agree with this. The top comments are full of haters. If you have truly moved on, I don't think you should ever look back. But the fact is, you haven't, and you are still constantly thinking about this girl. I guess you should just ask yourself whether, 10 years from now, you'll look back and regret giving her a second chance or the other way round.

  • [-]
  • Mutton_much
  • 1 Points
  • 08:22:39, 24 February

I cant believe I had to scroll so far to find this answer. Why on earth wouldn't you take some time to investigate things here?

Dude, don't let pride kill love. It's a bumpy, difficult, awkward, strange, uncomfortable, beautiful thing. It's worth it. Just keep your head and go slow. You will know if it's still there.

  • [-]
  • El_Peckbo
  • 10 Points
  • 01:17:53, 24 February

>Since then I have moved on

Honestly it doesn't sound like you have or this wouldn't even be a question.

After 4 years she comes at you with the "soul mate" conversation? Four years? Really? I mean look I can get the "she got cold feet" and needed some time to sort things out, I wouldn't like it but a few months sure. A year would be more than I would be willing to go but 4 years? Out of the question.

Are you seeing anyone else right now? If not, why not? Look whoever your first was is always going to be the most intense generally, stop having other women try and live up to your expectations of what you felt from your first real SO.

I would love to tell you to give her another chance but I'm sorry 4 years is to long for that type of nonsense.

  • [-]
  • strandedsomewhere
  • 39 Points
  • 03:05:16, 24 February

This is going to be an unpopular reply.

You still love her because you two were together for SIX years - and during the most formative years of your young adulthood. If anything, I have to admire you more for the fact that your love has withstood something as heartbreaking as what she did. But why did you stay together during those six years, if you didn't think she was at core a good person?

Let me tell you: People screw up ALL the time. I screw up all the time. The people I love screw up all the time. Your loved ones will make mistakes, especially when they are young.

People also can change. I've seen it. I've gone through it. I would not recognize who I was 10 years ago, because I've become so much more careful and thoughtful about how my actions affect the people I care about.

I think you should talk to her and see where it goes. But guard your heart. You are not choosing between being a chump and being with someone you deeply love. You are choosing between taking two sets of risk. You have to choose to take the risk that this isn't going to work out. But I think you should take the risk. I have a strong feeling that you will regret it if you don't.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 16 Points
  • 04:13:16, 24 February
  1. she fucked guys for four years before returning back to him.
  2. She broke up their engagement because she cannot think for herself
  3. op is still in love with the girl she WAS, not the girl she is now. I agree he should talk to her but not so they can find love and happiness again. So that HE can get some damn closure.
  4. Stop downplaying what she did as a simple mistake, I agree with your overall premise but am saddened by how you blanket any and all mistakes with it. Some shit IS not worth going back too.
  5. You mention how they were together for six years. Well why the hell didnt she value it the way he did and protect it? She was never the woman he loved and he needs to realize that instead of chasing after the past.
  • [-]
  • zoidberg1339
  • 8 Points
  • 06:12:00, 24 February

Yeah, anyone that ends a happy, 6-year relationship because of a jealous sister and the prospect of sampling other dicks is not marriage material, and likely never will be.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 5 Points
  • 06:20:50, 24 February

Right? its not about forgiveness or growing up or any of that shit. its just that some things are too obvious not to ignore, and those who do are too stupid to be worth a 2nd chance.

We really need to find a way to stop stupid people from having so many children. I mean i dont want to sterilize them or anything but dammit if we are going in the wrong direction with future generations

  • [-]
  • zoidberg1339
  • 7 Points
  • 06:54:28, 24 February

It's just the bold faced selfishness of it. It's hard to end a relationship of that length for a good reason without causing some pain, let alone some bullshit "finding myself" reason.

OP's ex either didn't know, or didn't care, that she was ripping out a huge piece of OP's life and causing him some serious emotional pain. If it's the former, she's too oblivious to be getting into serious relationships. If it's the latter, she's too much of a bitch to deserve being in a serious relationship with anyone that isn't as shitty as her.

...And the fact that she has the balls to come crawling back after getting her fill of other guy's dicks? That's the fucking icing for you.

  • [-]
  • strandedsomewhere
  • 0 Points
  • 04:17:50, 24 February

I demand to see where I downplay what she did as a "simple mistake," especially given that I refer to people "screwing up" and acknowledge that what she did was heartbreaking.

Edit: you seem to have a pretty cramped, vindictive view of human nature. I'm sorry you have to live with yourself.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 4 Points
  • 04:37:13, 24 February

I was attacking your argument but if you want to make it personal I am quite accomplished so . . eh ;p

I have had both good and bad relationships so trying to help OP means looking at not only what happened but how he has dealt with it. Your naive mentality in this instance is going to have him chasing after her in a very bad way and he IS going to get his heart broken again. Its not about what you or I believe but whats best for OP.

I am not against the idea of forgiveness or trying reconciliation given various certain factors but this girl left him in shambles. they should have split on mutual terms, because they decided, not selfish bitch sister. Her desire should have been to travel or see the world, not just fuck random guys.
She breaking up with him for after six years so she can fuck random dudes is NOT just 'screwing up'. Being so easily manipulated as to throw him away the way she did? Its a deal breaker and OP still has not recovered FOUR years later. Stop thinking about 'them' because he is pining after her, He is also not moving on correctly.

Best thing for OP is to use this to finally get some closure and move on. He CAN find happiness without her and now he has a chance to realize that. You are limiting his happiness to only being with her which is wrong and insulting to OP.

Edit: dont really care what your life is like but happy mine is nothing like it.

  • [-]
  • strandedsomewhere
  • 5 Points
  • 04:45:49, 24 February

You don't even know why exactly she left; you're taking the word of an emotionally wrought guy who assumes that his ex fiance should've remained celibate after she left him. "So she can fuck random dudes" is forgivable coming from the OP, but coming from you, it's indicative of your frankly, cramped view of human relationships.

I'm not sure where you're getting that I'm limiting his happiness to only being with her. I actually agree with you that talking to her may be what he finally needs to be released, so he can move on.

And since you made it personal from the get-go (seriously, read your condescending initial reply), I have also had good and bad relationships. I briefly went through your past posts, and wow. That is ... a lot of time you spend on Reddit dishing out relationship advice, and some of it is pretty bad. (Some of it is good!)

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 0 Points
  • 04:52:47, 24 February

Your're using the same phrases again. Repeating it doesnt make it sound better, just that you cant come up with anything new.

Yes I am using his info, what the hell else do we have? The man is still a shell of his former self after FOUR YEARS. I dont understand how you are saying we should not trust the emotional man's info, but then downplay the fact he is so emotional after four years. it is not healthy to fixate on this girl after so long without some closure and proper healing. He has tried to get past it but this seems a pretty big scar to deal with and naively saying he should go walk into the monster den for more. Ugh

Is it condescending that I dont even care what your past posts are as I assume they are all bad advice? In case you missed the sarcasm, it was a rhetorical question.

  • [-]
  • Sex-copter
  • 3 Points
  • 03:29:59, 24 February

If you really want to I think you should give her a Second chance but take things really really slow.

Maybe I'm not as cynical as other people but I don't think this was all about fucking other guys maybe she wanted to know what it was like to do thing truly on her own. You know things like living alone and travelling alone and taking care of herself. People here are always saying you shouldn't settle down with the first person we're with and I guess she let that doubt fill her head.

I know of a couple that broke up because people told them they couldn't possibly get married cause they were each others first everything. They were young and naive so thy decided to date around and the whole time they were miserable and eventually got back together.

People make mistakes especially when young and saddled with huge life altering decisions such as marriage. That's just my opinion but do what you want and stay strong bud.

  • [-]
  • souurdiesel
  • 4 Points
  • 04:25:04, 24 February

I see a lot of comments telling you to move on but here's my two cents.

I broke up with my gf when were still a new couple for exactly the same reason that your gf left you for. Luckily, when I asked for her back she reluctantly accepted.

Now we have been together for 3 years and I even see marriage in our future. The important part here is that you don't know what you have until its gone. I know, very cliche but its true.

I don't know what kind of person I would be if she had not taken me back. I think you guys should have a good long talk about what you guys really want and take it from there.

  • [-]
  • Asap6
  • 4 Points
  • 05:27:15, 24 February

So I was totally hung up on my ex. Sure I knew he had problems but I just couldn't get over him and since wed been apart all I thought of was the good stuff.

He contacted me recently and I realized , despite him saying he's changed, he so has not. Still the selfish man he was. Still not taking responsibilities for his actions and bling everyone else. He's 33.

He didn't grow up while he was with me and definitely hasn't grown up since.

Your ex, is bored and lonely and wants to come back to a sure thing. But you deserve better. You want someone who is sure of you.

  • [-]
  • shoulderspanks
  • 6 Points
  • 07:17:20, 24 February

Female opinion. It was completely selfish of her to leave you just so she can go ahead and run some trials with other men, but it's even more selfish to seriously decide to even dare enter your life again and try to get you back. She knows it's causing you grief, and she knows just how overwhelmed you must be. She had walked out and disrupted your life, and now she has invited herself in and disrupted it again. Both have been for selfish reasons. She hasn't changed at all.

  • [-]
  • ponyo_sashimi
  • 4 Points
  • 08:43:32, 24 February

If I could go back and redo what I fucked up, I'd do so in a heartbeat.

People age. Life does weird shit to you. Give her a second chance to rip your heart out or mend it. Maybe she'll surprise you and herself. Life shouldn't be about evening scores or keeping track of points. Different people have different priorities at different times in their lives.

Edit: I ran out of clichés but you get the idea.

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 9 Points
  • 01:01:51, 24 February

There's nothing saying you to have to rush back to her. You might change your mind about her in a month for all you know. Keep talking with her if you want to, but don't rush into anything. Get control over your emotions and do some figuring out of your own.

  • [-]
  • parannoyedandroid
  • 3 Points
  • 04:08:33, 24 February

this. just because she "made a huge mistake" doesn't mean they have to go right back to being engaged. there is room to feel this out... and he should openly and fully communicate all of his doubts and misgivings to her. she needs to understand that they can't go right back to being together - it's been four fucking years, they have to get to know each other all over again if this is going to progress into a relationship.

and OP, we get that you already know her but you seriously have to treat this with as much caution as getting into a brand new relationship. don't skip steps and move forward or pick up right where you left off. that way you can really feel out if this is real or not. I think talking to her and being cautious will be better than being left with a "what if."

  • [-]
  • CrouxR
  • 4 Points
  • 03:48:53, 24 February

Don't waste your time with someone like this.

Can you really bear the thought of being with a person you thought you loved that easily discarded you over something so puerile, so mind-numbingly retarded as "discovering herself" via various shades of dicks?

  • [-]
  • Hcw427
  • 3 Points
  • 03:49:12, 24 February

The heart wants what the heart wants...I think it's worth at least talking with her and figuring out if it could work. If you don't at least try, you'll always wonder "what if"? People make mistakes and they either learn from them or they never grow up. Her breaking things off with you was painful, but not as painful as her having an affair. At least she was honest with her feelings. She could be the love of your life or just "somebody that you used to know". I think you owe it to yourself to find out.

  • [-]
  • Lodekim
  • 4 Points
  • 04:17:46, 24 February

No, fuck that.

  • [-]
  • Batticon
  • 2 Points
  • 06:33:44, 24 February

Did she tell you she went off and fucked other guys?

  • [-]
  • electric_feel
  • 4 Points
  • 07:15:46, 24 February

If you have any self-respect you walk away from her. She had her fun and fucked whole bunch of dudes but none of them treated her like you did. She's coming back to you because she thinks you guys can start your relationship from were you left off.

The fact is that 4 years have passed, you two have grown as individuals. There's a possibility that she's a completely different person than the one you were engaged to 4 years. You deserve better. Tell her to fuck off.

  • [-]
  • Gus1961
  • 3 Points
  • 12:11:44, 24 February

PLEASE have a good look at /r/TheRedPill before making any decision. This is pure Alpha Fux Beta Bux behavior. She has chosen you as a Beta Provider, after exhasuting her ride in the cock carousel. Don't do it. She broke up before to look for a higher status fuck, she will do it again in the future.

  • [-]
  • and_atom
  • 6 Points
  • 03:28:50, 24 February

If you walk away from this, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

I'm not saying go marry this woman. But at least talk to her. Get to know who she is now before passing judgement.

If you completely shut her down you will always wonder 'what if'? She was the love of your life and she hurt you badly. But you still have strong feelings for her - 90% of your fantasies? Just talk to her.

  • [-]
  • zoidberg1339
  • 4 Points
  • 06:07:12, 24 February

These are the exact words I would say to her, no paraphrasing:

"You decided fucking other guys was more important to you than marrying me. Why the fuck would I take you back after that?"

Yes, it's throwing her past actions back in her face, which is normally not the most mature thing to do. However, throwing away a six year relationship because she wanted to sleep around is way more immature.

If I was you, I'd want to hear her (attempt to) explain herself. I'd be incredibly fucking bitter about it, and would go so far as to give her false hope that I'd get back together with her if I liked her answer...

...And then I'd tell her that she fucking blew it, which would hopefully just crush her.

Is it spiteful and vindictive? Absolutely. But I'm of the mind that ending a happy 6-year relationship deserves a better reason than "I decided that there weren't enough cocks in my life."

You deserved better than that. And you deserve better than her. Do not take this woman back. You have no reason to trust her after what she did. You don't have to do what I would do, but I would certainly tell her that she doesn't deserve your trust and that she doesn't deserve you.

She seriously fucked up, and she should suffer the consequences for it. If you take her back, she will learn nothing, other than the fact that she can do anything to you and be forgiven for it. Some things, there's no forgiveness for.

  • [-]
  • SweetPeaMigee
  • 6 Points
  • 04:24:00, 24 February

I don't know why everyone is being so negative. She didn't cheat on you. She was honest. She wasn't ready to settle down. She didn't want to go into a marriage with you half-assing her feelings and she told you the truth about it.

You say you are still very much in live with her and haven't felt that kind of passion for anyone else and now she wants you back?? I think you owe it to yourself to give her a chance. If she hurts you again, then you are just right back where you started, plus you can say to yourself, " I gave this the best shot and it didn't work out. I have no regrets."

But what if it does work out! Don't live in fear man.

  • [-]
  • HumanSockPuppet
  • 6 Points
  • 07:16:39, 24 February

>She didn't cheat on you. She was honest.

"I want to have sex with other people before settling down with you, just so that I can have of taste of what I've been missing."

It's not the honesty that matters, it's the attitude. The idea that she had such little regard for their relationship that she dropped it all just to explore other dicks.

Honesty isn't valuable just as some abstract notion. I care about what a person actually does.

  • [-]
  • melini
  • 0 Points
  • 08:16:17, 24 February

Actually, OP just assumed she left to have sex with other guys. I don't see anything that actually indicates that, and this assumption sounds pretty bitter to me, to be honest. I could understand somebody not being ready to be settled down, without it having anything to do with having sex with other people.

  • [-]
  • rattlednbrokken
  • 3 Points
  • 01:06:41, 24 February

It's gonna sting...potentially real bad, but based on what you've said man..no way. She did this to you the first time....don't do it a second time to yourself.

  • [-]
  • AnthonyMIEscobar
  • 3 Points
  • 02:15:19, 24 February

Oh gods... I had a girl I was in love with say something similar to me about 4 years ago. She didn't appreciate you back then and she's likely to not appreciate you once you two are back together. Just move on and don't look back. I got lucky and met an amazing girl so I managed to more or less forget about her. But it still hurts a bit when I think about it. I doubt it'll ever stop hurting, but I have someone who understands how I feel and is willing to put up with whatever insecurities or whatever I feel.

  • [-]
  • AssaultKommando
  • 1 Points
  • 02:42:15, 24 February

Has she apologized sincerely, or is she heaping all the blame on her sister?

  • [-]
  • ass_burgers_
  • 3 Points
  • 03:39:36, 24 February

Letting her back would be a huge, huge mistake in my opinion. Whatever shit caused her to leave in the first place WILL happen again. People that love somebody don't just cancel marriages to fuck around.

> Back then she didn't know what was out there, and now she does she knows how great it was what we originally had.

Again, people that love each other don't give a shit what else is out there. They are already happy with what they have, and don't need to be shown it by trying to find something better and failing.

  • [-]
  • Kyrn
  • 3 Points
  • 03:41:14, 24 February

>My head is a hormonal mess, I know some of you guys must be thinking I am a fucking loser for this. I am not normally like this, in all seriousness. I usually have my head on straight, I am a rational guy.

If you go back to her and she fucks with you again, which is extremely likely with fickle girls like this, then you only have yourself to blame for the shit you end up going through.

Don't accept being saddled with a loser. All that intensity and passion you feel? You can 100% find it with someone else. It may seem impossible, you may shake your head and firmly say "no" like an idiot, but I guarantee you that there is nothing special about this woman that an even better girl can't give you more of.

If you settle for this girl, then you will never get the chance to find the one who will give you all that, and you will waste precious time on someone who is going to ultimately just fuck with you.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 1 Points
  • 03:48:54, 24 February

Normally I would say go back to No contact and laugh at the bitch at how she didnt find her soulmate with those random dicks.

But for your sake I shall try say something different.

If you can be confident in yourself, be happy with your life and let it go, you may want to try dating her again. This only works if you moved on properly and you both realize you were young and it was too early for you to get married. You should not hold anything against her, you both should have split on somewhat happy terms with no cheating or betrayal. I have heard and seen cases where people who dated early split up and rekindled a few years later and had success. This is not the case in your situation

You seem to be chasing after a dream 4 years dead (she and bitch sister murdered it) and if thats what you are going to try and find, I know its hard but your signing up for some more emotional pain. You have to approach this as a brand new fresh start if there is any hope of it working. I know you have tried other girls and still fantasize over her, first one is always hard and you had a doozy to boot. there seems to be resentment about the bullshit she put you through, anger about the random guys she just wanted to fuck. . has she told you how evil her sister is? If that bitch is still in the picture then run regardless of other factors.

Ugh, I am sorry for your pain but I think this is still bad for you. Maybe find closure by telling her how much you hate her for what she did and how she did throw away the best thing she could have had. Basically use this opportunity to find your happiness. Maybe get try FWB and if not dump her. That may sound horrible but what she did was really bad and without hurting her you owe her nothing. I think its about time you found some happiness, even if it is at her expense.

edit: for what its worth, i hope you find happiness wherever you can. But You need to learn to love yourself before you can find happiness with others. Realizing she was not what you thought she was and getting past her is a necessary step to that goal. Get your closure and get out, she owes you that much for her past mistakes. I dont think you should use or abuse her, but you sure as hell dont owe her anything.

  • [-]
  • V2Blast
  • 2 Points
  • 04:26:25, 24 February

> This only works if you moved on properly (which may not be the case)

Well, given the fact that OP openly admits he hasn't really moved on from it, I think it's safe to say that it is definitely not the case.

  • [-]
  • RadRobot13
  • 2 Points
  • 04:43:41, 24 February

Yes, forgot to take that out in edit.

Ugh, why do people recommend he should try to find happiness with her again? If they had a mutual breakup and he wasnt so obviously still mourning I wouldnt be against it. But what I hope is for OP to get over it so he can find happiness with himself. Is that really so hard a thing to achieve? Maybe my idea of a person finding personal satisfaction, confidence, self worth, self respect is unrealistic? Given the number of idiots saying 'because you still love her, you were meant to be' garbage, I think some people deserve to be miserable and alone. Not OP per se but def his ex.

Honestly, I think the people who blanket forgive shit like this are no better than that bitch sister. People should value themselves first and cheating or betrayel's of this nature should not be played down as a fucking learning experience. Some shit you can get past, some stuff . . . if it doesnt kill you, it makes you stronger, that doesnt mean you keep drinking lethal doses of poison just because you lucked out and survived the first time.

  • [-]
  • V2Blast
  • 1 Points
  • 09:32:01, 24 February

It's not unrealistic. You can't really be happy in a relationship if you're unhappy with yourself outside of one.

> People should value themselves first and cheating or betrayals of this nature should not be played down as a fucking learning experience. Some shit you can get past, some stuff . . . if it doesnt kill you, it makes you stronger, that doesnt mean you keep drinking lethal doses of poison just because you lucked out and survived the first time.

Well said.

  • [-]
  • ProjectVivify
  • 2 Points
  • 03:51:33, 24 February

Ok there's a couple of things going on here.

One is the fact that you haven't moved on after 4 years. You haven't grieved the end of that relationship properly yet and you should look to doing that.

The second thing is that unless I had hard evidence that she had undergone therapy, done some world travel, or had some other major experience of self-actualisation (read: Her finally knowing who she is and what she wants out of life), I wouldn't trust her to not leave again once she remembers why she broke the relationship off originally.

> I want to blame her sister for tricking her

Ok well you can forget this at least. People do what they want to do I'm sorry to tell you. She wouldn't have left unless she wanted to. If she was easily influenced to leave the love of her life, would you really want to get involved with someone who was so weak willed that your relationship would always be vulnerable to outside motivations?

  • [-]
  • settler_colonial
  • 3 Points
  • 04:55:07, 24 February

your not a loser. it can't like it was with her though. The scars left by the last break up will always be there. Every time the relationship goes through a rough patch you'll have reason to be anxious about her running off again and that might make you act in ways that only make it more likely. If she still means so much to you then be her friend. Jumping back into a romantic relationship would be unwise.

  • [-]
  • Svardskampe
  • 2 Points
  • 09:42:06, 24 February

Reddit is often very break-up happy so I would weigh that in with the advice given. I'm having an 8y long relationship now with my girlfriend, and if shit like that happened, I would be so more than eager to get back together, whatever happened in the mean time.

You can ALWAYS break it off for good, the least you can do is to try to make it work again now, and if it doesn't turn out alright, you can always cut the ties then.

  • [-]
  • calexanderj
  • 2 Points
  • 10:18:06, 24 February

I know several happily married couples that had broken up at some point in their dating relationship. I don't know if they broke up for similar reasons, but I just want to put it out there that just because you broke up does not mean it won't work the second time around.

If you can trust her and can feel confident that she's not going to run out on you again, then go for it.

  • [-]
  • PathToExile
  • 2 Points
  • 10:24:45, 24 February

Just think about it man, you love what you had, you have no idea the kind of person she could have become in that stretch of time no matter how much you talk to her now. She had a positive thing with you and tossed it away for uncertainty, being able to see through and ignore negative peer pressure isn't something people just acquire in 4 years. People that bend to the will of their friends and family without truly questioning their motivation for doing so aren't the type give up that behavior easily.

The moment you caved and started a dialogue with her she had her claws sunk into you and you better believe she knows it. She will remind you of the good times to take your mind off the reason she left you, when you bring up why she caved to the temptation of being promiscuous she will avoid it or give you open-ended, question-answers (i.e.: "How could I have known we were meant to be if I didn't find out if I could feel that way with someone else?") that will make you question your own principles.

Fuck going back, man. Move forward, you loved her and that's what you are going to focus on. You get back together with her and what are going to be your prevailing thoughts? Doubt, insecurity and the overwhelming sense that this is something she will do again, but maybe this time she won't have the decency to tell you.

  • [-]
  • vrrrr
  • 3 Points
  • 01:52:41, 24 February

> which I can only attribute to fucking other guys

My man, are you just assuming this, or do you have concrete proof?

  • [-]
  • iloveyoubabi
  • 2 Points
  • 03:29:50, 24 February

Okay well, I'm a woman so my thoughts may not count to you (since you're looking for a men's opinion) but I say to give her a second chance.

You're both a little wiser now. You've been with different people and you realize just how great of a match you two are together.

If you give her the cold shoulder because she made the mistake of leaving you the first time around, you'll always wonder "what if?" What if you'd given her that second chance and you two were the happiest you've ever been? Because think about it; all her previous doubts are gone. She'll never worry if she's missing out, and you won't worry about it either. You'll have the security of knowing that this girl is the girl for you and that she came back to you because she feels that way about you.

Now, I'm not saying that this isn't risky. If you do take her back, there's always the chance that she couldn't find someone better and she's "settling" for you, like all the other comments are saying. We don't know her as a person, so that's your call to make. Think about the kind of person you feel that she is and follow your heart.

In my opinion, it'd be better to try it out and see where it goes. Because at least, if the relationship ends up not working out a second time, you can truly move on afterward and not wonder "what if?"

I think people deserve second chances. If you were her, wouldn't you want one?

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 3 Points
  • 03:39:49, 24 February

> If you were her, wouldn't you want one?

If he were her, he wouldn't have so obviously disrespected him by saying she needed to fuck other guys instead of being with him. There's a huge difference here.

  • [-]
  • Armoogeddon
  • 1 Points
  • 06:54:53, 24 February

I dont think SHE said she wanted to fuck other guys. That was OPs (understandable) assumption. Is she did say tht, to me, all bets would be off.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 1 Points
  • 13:14:51, 24 February

Whether she said it or not, that was the point and purpose. She left it open ended for this exact situation.

  • [-]
  • Kharn0
  • 3 Points
  • 05:29:21, 24 February

God Op, have some fucking self-respect.

  • [-]
  • fs616
  • 3 Points
  • 03:06:42, 24 February

Do you really want to be the guy who waits around for years for this girl and then take her back the second she asks? I really feel like even if you take her back, there's no "happily ever after" for you. Like it or not, she's going to lose some respect for you if you take her back - she can break you apart, go do whatever she wants for years, and then still has you on a string.

Now is a great time to stand up for yourself and end things with her. Don't be anyone's backup.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 4 Points
  • 03:41:16, 24 February

> Like it or not, she's going to lose some respect for you if you take her back - she can break you apart, go do whatever she wants for years, and then still has you on a string.

This is the most important part. She will absolutely know, without a doubt, that she has control over OP without a question in her mind. That is not a place he should be in, especially given his attachment issues.

  • [-]
  • mismagicalladyfinger
  • 2 Points
  • 08:14:55, 24 February

ok i'm gonna weigh in. How old were you when you guys got together?

Its more than perfectly plausible that someone might want to spend some time as a new adult by themselves and discovering their brains (yes, sometimes their bodies too) away from someone else. You can love someone hard as fuck, want to be with them, but still give a shit about yourself. Yourself is the most important person in your life and if you don't know or figure yourself out, you have a shit life.

Things change a lot as you grow up. Perhaps her sister really did manipulate her. Doesn't mean she's easily manipulated. Family can have a hold over you, family knows a fuck ton about you, and family can fuck you over royally. She might have been massively fucked over and realizes it now.

You believe she left just to fuck other guys but you're just guessing. Finding yourself means a hell of a lot more than that. I realize that when in a relationship (especially when still in college), sexual jealousy is a huge thing for most. For guys, its usually the first thing they think of when a girl wants to leave. Now if you talk to her and confirm that, then that's another issue but it doesn't guarantee that she's gonna be a huge whore for her whole life. That's an incredibly stupid position to take because people make mistakes and don't stay the same their whole life.

You say you wanna tell her to fuck off, that's absolutely your pride talking. Your senses still love her and that's not a bad thing. She did a shitty thing, people do that in relationships. They make some really, really bad mistakes, sometimes those mistakes can't be fixed. Now, after 4 years, you still love her and she's coming back to tell you that she learned, grew, and still loves you and that she fucked up. She knows that she did and is owning up to it. If that's not growing as a person, i'm not sure what is.

If you still love her, don't be a stupid prideful guy. Accept that you still love her, talk to her, and see if she really has changed. Be a human person and accept that people fuck up, sometimes exceptionally hard. You don't have to give her a second chance, but you owe it to the both of you to listen to her and see if it's worthwhile to maybe give it another shot to be happy with each other. Love is often irrational and sometimes you gotta trust your gut. Four years of still loving her as hard as you do after she's gone is irrational but it probably means something. A rational man thinks things through and realizes that knee jerk reactions are knee jerk reactions and deserve more thought.

She may have fucked up royally, might have left just to fuck guys, might have been manipulated by family, but you still love her and she's come back to say she loves you. You don't have to give a second chance, but have the option open. You could both be happy together or you'll be happy knowing that maybe walking away is the best thing.

TL;DR- There isn't one, read the goddamn thing cause reading things that might stir your thought process is good. Don't be lazy.

  • [-]
  • Stains45
  • 1 Points
  • 02:13:51, 24 February

Woman here - all I can say is, you can have your pride or you can have her. I'd pick the lady, which is what you want, because if you don't you'll regret punishing both of you just out of spite while having nobody you like better to be with. BUT don't let her back in all easy peasy. You've both been around the block and both found out what you had was great, but she's broken your trust and you can let her know she has to earn that back.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 5 Points
  • 03:05:19, 24 February

> I'd pick the lady, which is what you want, because if you don't you'll regret punishing both of you just out of spite while having nobody you like better to be with.

So you're saying he should settle for her now that she's done screwing other guys? Why would he do that? She's just trying to manipulate him into accepting her blatant disrespect of him and his feelings, and you're attempting to convince him that he should??? WTF?

She doesn't respect him in the least, thus why she chose screwing random guys over him.

> You've both been around the block and both found out what you had was great, but she's broken your trust and you can let her know she has to earn that back.

Grass is greener? Yeah, if you choose to use that line of thinking, you don't deserve what you had, as you clearly never valued it. Disgusting.

  • [-]
  • Stains45
  • 3 Points
  • 04:35:53, 24 February

>So you're saying he should settle for her now that she's done screwing other guys?

No, I'm saying that now that they've both been screwing other people and still are thinking of each other, maybe it's worth revisiting if it's worth starting over.

> Why would he do that?

Because they're both still in love with each other, or at least, can't get over each other. Because he is unhappy without her.

> She's just trying to manipulate him into accepting her blatant disrespect of him and his feelings, and you're attempting to convince him that he should??? WTF? >She doesn't respect him in the least, thus why she chose screwing random guys over him.

I don't see that at all. I see a relationship which broke up when one person became afraid of being tied down without other sexual and romantic experience under her belt. I see someone who was young and gave into fears that maybe she would live in regrets if she got married to the only lover she ever had. Now she says she made a mistake. People we love don't always behave in perfect ways and love isn't always perfect. Especially when you're young.

>> You've both been around the block and both found out what you had was great, but she's broken your trust and you can let her know she has to earn that back. > >Grass is greener? Yeah, if you choose to use that line of thinking, you don't deserve what you had, as you clearly never valued it. Disgusting.

Whatever. I think her behavior is completely normal within the parameters of human relations. In fact, it's better than many who would have just gone forward, got married, and had a lot of affairs. This is how the real world can be. OP says he is unhappy without her. She wants to get back with him. Yep, she's been a dick, and if they reunite she's going to have to show she's serious, trustworthy, committed. In the end they could have a more honest and mature relationship than they had before, the kind that would be suited for a life together.

Excellent people make mistakes sometimes, that is reality. But from those problems can come greater strengths.

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 1 Points
  • 13:00:17, 24 February

> No, I'm saying that now that they've both been screwing other people and still are thinking of each other, maybe it's worth revisiting if it's worth starting over.

That's a load. SHE wanted to break up so she could screw other guys. HE was forced into that situation by her selfishness. Should he have just waited around and never moved on to other women? Totally different. Twisting it into "equal" shows some disgusting bias. You're reach hard already.

> I don't see that at all. I see a relationship which broke up when one person became afraid of being tied down without other sexual and romantic experience under her belt. I see someone who was young and gave into fears that maybe she would live in regrets if she got married to the only lover she ever had. Now she says she made a mistake. People we love don't always behave in perfect ways and love isn't always perfect. Especially when you're young.

So she would have regretted getting married to him if she didn't get to get plowed by a bunch of different guys first without the accountability of it being cheating. Wow. Class act there. What a catch. Love is never perfect, but you also never allow someone to treat you with such disrespect like this.

> Whatever. I think her behavior is completely normal within the parameters of human relations. In fact, it's better than many who would have just gone forward, got married, and had a lot of affairs. This is how the real world can be. OP says he is unhappy without her. She wants to get back with him. Yep, she's been a dick, and if they reunite she's going to have to show she's serious, trustworthy, committed. In the end they could have a more honest and mature relationship than they had before, the kind that would be suited for a life together.

You think blatant disrespect is completely normal? Or that the "me first" attitude is completely normal? Yeah, you definitely sound like your from this "me first" generation with all these mental gymnastics you're performing here to justify such actions.

You also think there were only 2 options: Break up and screw lots of random guys, or get married and screw lots of random guys. What about getting married and realizing it's not the jail sentence that people scare it into being? You don't have to sleep around to "grow as a person" or "find yourself." Those are just lame ass open-ended excuses to screw whatever you want without consequence.

If he goes back to her, she knows very well she has power over him, and will now exploit that more than ever. She already has shown she has no problem throwing him aside for random dick before, and she will have no reservations about exercising that again.

> Excellent people make mistakes sometimes, that is reality. But from those problems can come greater strengths.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but you aren't entitled to a second chance like you think, especially when her actions were so obviously rooted in choosing the desire to screw random guys over their significant other. If that's what you want to do, own it, but don't pretend like you should get to push "pause" on your relationship, jump on a bunch of dicks like pogo sticks, and then still get to go back to your relationship afterward. No one should be treated with such disrespect.

  • [-]
  • anusinthebutt
  • 2 Points
  • 03:37:35, 24 February

Don't do it. If her sister has that much influence over her it can happen again and you'll be even more broken. Just forget about her and move on, try and learn from this.

  • [-]
  • tired_of_2_standards
  • 1 Points
  • 06:03:38, 24 February

I'll take a different approach to this.

Go sit down with your parents and ask their opinion. I'm assuming that after the girl of your dreams dumped you after 6 years you might have shared some of that heart break with them.

See what they have to say. No, I'm not asking you to have them think for you or give you permission, but ask their advice. They may just tell you that they can't tell you what to do but then again they might have a thing or two to say about the woman who they supposedly loved (according to you) who left their son shattered and emotionally unable to live a normal life for the next 4 years.

I hate to put more pressure on you but guess what, you are in the cat bird seat here. You are the one calling the shots on this. Not her, not her sister, not your parents or her's. Just you.

I'm not telling you what to do here but I will ask, did you really truly try and move on? Did you have even one single real relationship with another girl? I'm not talking about a sex session I mean did you even try and lose yourself and let yourself be loved by anyone else?

Don't sell yourself short here.

  • [-]
  • ReasonReader
  • 2 Points
  • 06:12:23, 24 February

>I am a rational guy.

Then tell her to drop dead. Don't give her another chance to fuck with your head.

There are women out there who will treat you right. Don't settle.

  • [-]
  • Armoogeddon
  • 1 Points
  • 06:45:58, 24 February

Somebody else already wrote a brilliant comment about the "ghost" of the girl you knew. You're in a tough spot, man. But you sound level headed. My advice would be to first approach this with a clean slate: she is not the girl you once knew, but that does not mean you cannot love her again. If you decide to give her another chance, stop being in love with the memory of this girl, and see if you can love who she is now. I say that only if you decide to give her another chance. If you do go that route, my advice is to not harp on the missing four years. They happened, and they dhaped who she is today. If you can love who she is today, than its not worth getting hung up on the stuff you know will bother you about her.

For what its worth, my guess is if you choose not to explore this, you will wind up regretting it.

I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a good guy. I hope everything works out.

  • [-]
  • evengraves
  • 1 Points
  • 06:47:45, 24 February

Sounds like she wanted to whore around a bit before she settled down with one man. I wouldn't consider getting married, she already left you once. Be happy you got out before she had you on the hook for child support, alimony and half of your belongings.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 1 Points
  • 06:51:29, 24 February

I wouldn't take her back, no chance.
What if she wants to find herself more in the future again? You can't trust someone that broke up with you out of the blue like that.
That and she still doesn't accept that she is at fault for the break-up, not her sister. She made the decision, nobody else. She's making herself out to be the victim, and she'll most likely do the same in the future. She'll always be faultless in her mind, others will be responsible for what she's doing.

Considering that you probably won't take this advice though and get back together regardless:
Be careful, very careful. Move slow, maybe never marry her or at least only after a long, long time.

  • [-]
  • termd
  • 1 Points
  • 07:51:37, 24 February

Only you know what the right thing is for you, but at least be honest with yourself. You have not moved on and you sound like you'll regret it if you don't at least give it a shot.

IF you date her: Set limits beforehand. No serious dating before 3 months pass. If you're thinking of having her move in and making it like it was before a year passes you need to step back and get your fucking head right.

People make mistakes. Understand that the girl you were in love with doesn't exist anymore. Date her and see if you like the person she's become.

  • [-]
  • TheMightyCheng
  • 1 Points
  • 07:52:14, 24 February

Dialling back my usual cynicism for a moment, it could be that she genuinely does regret dumping you.

Problem is, you have no way of knowing whether she wants to be with you or has just run out of other options. And how do you know your ex won't do a runner again?

Approach with caution.

  • [-]
  • Rodalli
  • 1 Points
  • 07:54:29, 24 February

Abandon thread, OP does not want advice unless it jives with what he wants to hear.

  • [-]
  • ciaobijoux
  • 1 Points
  • 09:01:04, 24 February

Sounds like Gob Bluth.

  • [-]
  • izzzhere
  • 1 Points
  • 10:11:48, 24 February

Everyone fucked up once or twice. This was hers. If you love her, forgive her and let her redeem herself. If you don't, if you can move on, if you don't want to risk your heart anymore, set her straight. Break her heart like she broke yours. Then move on.

  • [-]
  • biffsocko
  • 1 Points
  • 10:30:07, 24 February

same thing happened to me. I'll tell you how that turned out - She was the same lunatic she was before, only I was a little older and realized it the second time we dated. I'm not sure why I didn't see it the first time around.

Also, what I realized is that the way you feel during your first love will never be obtainable again .. even with the first person you were in love with. The reason is that the first time you were in love, you had no idea that as good as love felt, it could also hurt so much. You will never let yourself completely unguarded again.

You can love again, but each time you fall in love, it will be different.

Move on. My life is a thousand times better without her.

  • [-]
  • Nicoderm
  • 1 Points
  • 10:43:21, 24 February

Bad idea OP, just very bad idea. Nothing will change you will be a pushover if you go back and she will know it. Just say no it will be better for your emotional health in the long run.

  • [-]
  • Ningy_WhoaWhoa
  • 1 Points
  • 12:04:22, 24 February

Sounds like you've already made up your mind and you are looking for affirmation from us. There is no way in hell any self respecting person would take an ex fiancé back under those circumstances. She will soon lose respect for you and leave you again just like last time. A woman isn't going to respect a guy who doesn't respect himself.

Let the past be the past and forget her dude.

  • [-]
  • HarryPeratestiz
  • 1 Points
  • 12:52:05, 24 February

OP, if you have even an ounce of respect for yourself, cut off ties and move on (something you clearly haven't done in the past 4 years regardless of whether you dated other girls or not). Oh she regrets it now? Tough shit. You don't owe her a fairy tale ending nor does she deserve one, at least not from you.

If you don't have even an ounce of respect for yourself, then I'm sorry for you and you should feel free to go back to the one who tossed you aside.

Use that brain of yours and think objectively, not with your emotions. Best of luck.

  • [-]
  • Cyber-chair
  • 1 Points
  • 12:57:35, 24 February

If she's really your dream girl and you can go into the relationship without trust issues, go for it. You can't go into it and resent her for what she did. You seem to argue against everyone that tells you differently anyways. People change and learn from their mistakes. She could have gotten that itch out of her system and now she's ready to settle down.

  • [-]
  • holyshititsahippo
  • 1 Points
  • 13:03:19, 24 February

It doesn't matter what any of us say, you will go back to her.

Its a mistake.

  • [-]
  • CancelledDreams
  • 1 Points
  • 13:11:54, 24 February

Perhaps she was afraid of settling as she thought there was more to explore in the world? Now she's realized that there isn't and she wants to get back together with you? I'd say, give it a try.

  • [-]
  • ta1901
  • 1 Points
  • 13:20:32, 24 February

Ok, I'll look at it a different way.

> but I don’t know how to feel about a girl who left me for the novelty of fucking other guys.

She's not going to know what she has until it's gone. Now that she's been with other guys, it sounds like she's learned from her experience. Is learning from experience such a bad thing?

> I would love love to be like fuck you bitch and move on. But is that just my pride talking?

If you are still angry about the breakup, have jealousy or trust issues, it probably won't work the second time.

> Why do I still love and care about her.

Because you still have an emotional attachment.

> My head is a hormonal mess, I know some of you guys must be thinking I am a fucking loser for this.

Not at all. You are having a perfectly normal reaction per your low level of experience. The first love is hard to forget, but I still got over her. I have fond memories, but no anger.

  • [-]
  • cuteman
  • 1 Points
  • 13:32:08, 24 February

So basically you're the wedding singer and she is Linda? Go find your Julia and get over her. You're not going to put that genie back in the bottle.

  • [-]
  • YourMumsPal
  • 1 Points
  • 13:35:29, 24 February

A lot of angry people on this thread, OP.

You sure you want to listen to them? They seem like they're being rational and logical but let's be honest, you have plenty of that. Right now you have an emotional problem that you can't control and you need guidance. Being cold and rational will not help you here.

You sound like you love this woman. At the very, very least you need some kind of closure. You need to understand what was going through her head at the time, why she put you in that position and how she feels now. So you have to take the opportunity or you will regret it. You need to confront her and you need to be allowed to talk.

So, here's my advice.

You meet her somewhere for a coffee or a bite to eat and you both spend some time talking to each other.

You find out what she was thinking - ask her why she left, try to find out if you made her feel smothered or trapped in any way.

Then YOU get to talk. You're not proposing to her and you're not trying to get her back into your life, you just want her to hear you and understand what you went through. You explain how you have felt, how you can't quite get her out of your head and you explain how hurt and confused you feel today because she's back in touch. You need her to understand that this is generally painful and confusing.

You need to sit down with this woman and work it out with her and measure her responses and behavior carefully in order to find out what her real intentions are.

If he interrupts you, if she tries to stop you talking and tries to make it clear that she already feels bad and you shouldn't make her feel worse (you know what I mean, her holding her hands up, saying "right, RIGHT, I get it, okay? I'm sorry! Just...I know I hurt you, I can't hear this anymore) then she is a selfish fuck and you need to walk. If she doesn't let you talk, if she doesn't LISTEN for as long as you need her to then you need to walk.

If she will listen - then there might be something to this.

She was young, she was naive. She was madly in love but wondering what else existed in the world. She wanted to fuck people. It is horrible, it really is, but it is human nature. If you love her, you can forgive her that mistake, if you don't love her then you can walk away. Sounds to me like you can't walk away.

  • [-]
  • anthropophobe
  • 2 Points
  • 01:59:03, 24 February

I'm going to say something cynical here: you are entering your most attractive age (25 to 45) and she has peaked, or is afraid of peaking.

She played the field and figured out that you were better, but it took her a long time to figure it out. The "long time" is some cause for concern, because it suggests she really did lose interest in you and is only now going back through her list of possibilities, so to speak.

But you are screwing this up by keeping her so high in your head. You are entering the most attractive years of your life now. The lack of intensity that you felt with other women is probably due to them not being focused and having a lot of options. Now is when you have a good chance of finding an intense relationship with somebody who has been more careful and who wants a LTR.

Don't worry too much that she was your best. I would say your best is yet to come, and she (the best) will drive thoughts of your ex from your head. Just relax and wait it out a bit.

  • [-]
  • realoptimist
  • 0 Points
  • 05:35:01, 24 February

Hi OP - I know this is AskMen, but I hope you don't mind reading a female perspective.

I don't doubt the possibility of all the cynical things about her and your relationship that many people mentioned in the comments. But that wasn't my first impression after reading your story.

She dedicated her attractive time as a woman to you. Early 20s is a very flattering time for many women, and being desired is an experience that we treasure. She missed out on a lot of attention from men during college and the subsequent years when with you, and to marry would have been to miss out on that experience forever. If she were a flaky girlfriend like many comments suggest, I would find it surprising that she remained committed to you for 6 years, back when her chances of "finding someone better" were much higher.

I would suggest to keep talking to her, and not throw away the potential of being happy for spite. Given that the two of you have been so close for so long, I trust that you'll be able to judge her true interests best.

Hope you end up happy!

  • [-]
  • what_thecurtains
  • 1 Points
  • 10:51:46, 24 February

Missing out on attention from other men is exactly what we want though.

  • [-]
  • riseandrise
  • 0 Points
  • 07:59:06, 24 February

OP, you said you attributed "finding herself" to "wanting to fuck other guys". Did she specifically say that? Unless she specifically said that, I think that's a pretty big leap. You were very young when you got together, and you were together a long time. It was normal for her to feel like she was missing out on some life experiences because she was. As were you. Not just "fucking other guys", but being on her own, learning who she is outside of a relationship, dating other guys and learning lessons about life and love. Wanting those things is perfectly reasonable and normal. Would it have been better if you'd gotten married only for her feelings of missing out on life to lead you to divorce? I don't think so.

It's kind of funny, actually... If you had posted four years ago saying "I love my girlfriend of 6 years and want to marry her but she's the only girl I've ever been with... Am I making a mistake?" a fair percentage of answers would have been "you've only been with one woman, you don't even really know if she's what you want", "you'll be missing out on life experiences by doing this", "marrying your first and only is usually a bad idea", "eventually you'll feel like you missed out", "eventually you'll want to fuck other girls" etc. She didn't lie, she didn't cheat, she didn't take advantage of your love for her to "lock down a provider". She knew she wasn't ready for whatever reason and told you that.

I think you should give her a chance and get to know the person she's become. The last four years have certainly changed both of you, but maybe changed you in a way that brings you both closer together. Only one way to find out.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 3 Points
  • 10:42:02, 24 February

>wanting to fuck other guys

> dating other guys

Same thing, different wording.

  • [-]
  • riseandrise
  • -1 Points
  • 11:25:36, 24 February

Not the same thing at all. "Fucking" implies no relationship, just a mindless search for hot guys to get naked with. "Dating" implies meeting and forming connections with people, having relationships with them, learning new ways to interact and communicate. But honestly, what's wrong with someone who's only had one sexual partner their whole life being curious about sex with other people? It's natural, and sex is very important in any relationship. Surely ending the relationship is better than cheating. Still, unless she specifically stated that she was only breaking up with him to fuck other guys, I think there was probably a lot more to her decision.

  • [-]
  • kilgoretrout81
  • 2 Points
  • 02:07:13, 24 February

IT'S A TRAP!!! For real, I would stay away. You are playing with fire and maybe that's what is attracting you to her right now, but what happens when it normalizes? Maybe she decides she needs to "find herself" again. She flaked on you once, she's likely to do it again. I say this from experience.

  • [-]
  • rrrrrrredd
  • 2 Points
  • 02:11:31, 24 February

Good me: This would be a mistake, I strongly recommend you continue with the moving on process. The time you met her and when you were together are when you form some of the most intense bonds you will with other people, you should acknowledge that and make it a part of the process.

Bad me: I read this and I'm seriously having a hard time not finding you contemptible. It's been 4 years, and you're still holding a fucking candle for your post adolescent sweet heart. I find myself hoping you'll get together just so in a few months or more you write a sob story about how you fucked up, or she fucked up, but mostly about how it all ended in tears.

  • [-]
  • Finish_yo_set
  • 0 Points
  • 03:09:33, 24 February

You should be super shitty to her now and make her feel miserable. Tell her her sister ruined her shot at happiness. Once you've thoroughly burned bridges with her you can move on with your life.