[Update] Overheard girlfriend talking to her mom, saying that I am planning on proposing. (self.AskMen)

{AskMen}

25 ups - 5 downs = 20 votes

Link to original post

I’d like to clear some stuff up before I tell you guys what happened. I am not Middle Eastern or Indian I am Polsih. (Born in USA parents were immigrants)

Talked to gf

Alright so gf came over and we talked for a bit. I told her that there is a good chance that my job will be moving to Europe next year. She told me that’s awesome and asked if I was getting a promotion (no promotion but pay increase).

We kept talking and I told her that I overheard her talking about me proposing to her. She started laughing and said that her mom is just always nagging her. I told her that I got a bit worried because I also saw her doing more stuff around the house. And I didn’t want her to have false expectations.

She said that she only was cleaning around the house because she knew I have been busy and wanted to be a good gf. I asked her if she would like to get married or have kids anytime soon. She told me that she isn’t sure about not having kids anymore that she is opening up to the idea and when it comes to marriage she’d one day like to get married but she is in no rush.

She asked me about when I’d like to get married/have kids? I told her that I’d like to wait till I am settled in my career and I’d prefer to marry a girl that shares my culture. And when it came to kids I told her I’d like to have a like two or three but that’s a long ways ahead.

She starts asking me about why I want to marry a Polish girl when I am not cultural myself. I told her that I loved the family life my mom made for us and I’d like my kids to have the same lifestyle. She told me that she wants to learn how to make Polish food from my mom. This is where our conversation got awkward.

I told her that’s fine you don’t need to make Polish food for me. Then she said, but you said you’d like a Polish household. I told her that I don’t think we are on the same page. I told her that I love her but I don’t see us having a long term future together.

She start asking me why (I can see tears coming). I told her that I am most likely going to be moving to London and it isn’t going to work out. Then she tells me we can still visit each other and she can look for a job there too. I tell her that it goes beyond that and although I love her, I don’t think she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Then she starts crying, I try my best to comfort her and she tells me she will do the best she can to be a good Polish wife.

I told her that I didn’t understand why she thought we were going to get married. We always said that we wanted things casual and I pointed out how she always called me immature and never really view me as someone responsible enough to be a husband. She tells me that she said those things but she still loved me and said I’d make a great husband.

She begged me not to leave her. I told her she deserves to find someone who has the same goals in life as she does. For the next hour or so she was crying I comforted the best I could and dropped her off at her place. She asked me to spend the night with her but I didn’t think it would be appropriate.

Guys I don’t know what to do she is calling me thinking that if she becomes more Polish I will take her back. She told me that she is willing to become a Catholic (she is an atheist). I told her that we aren’t compatible for the long term and it would be best not to get back together but she keeps begging me to give her a second chance.

I followed the advice you guys said and didn’t mention that it was because of her age. I don’t want to crush her confidence or be in the way of finding her Mr. Right but I don’t know what to do right now. She wants to come over and talk again.

46 comments submitted at 16:58:14 on Oct 8, 2013 by d341

  • [-]
  • Crucify_Me_CapN
  • 1 Points
  • 17:07:13, 8 October

Christ, why do I read stuff like this. I always feel like I'm the one who gets heartbroken

  • [-]
  • garybuseyscomeback
  • 1 Points
  • 17:09:21, 8 October

Because you're not a psychopath.

  • [-]
  • alcareru
  • 1 Points
  • 17:13:01, 8 October

Schadenfreude is a terribly addictive drug (see: popularity of reality television).

  • [-]
  • jeninternet
  • 1 Points
  • 17:37:54, 8 October

Is this the correct usage of this term?

  • [-]
  • alcareru
  • 1 Points
  • 17:46:29, 8 October

Not really, but I think it comes close enough. He may not strictly speaking be receiving joy from stories like OP's (which would be the correct usage of the term), but it does appear that he is receiving some kind of vicarious emotional manipulation - akin to being immersed in a novel.

  • [-]
  • PiperZepp
  • 1 Points
  • 17:34:17, 8 October

I once read an article called "why you aren't married yet (if you want to be married)" and one of the reasons was "You are a liar." The idea was its very common for women to insist we don't want something serious when in fact we do. Exactly like in this case. I guess we think it's like playing hard to get, or that being upfront about looking for marriage makes is look desperate/pushy or will scare all men off. But really it's good to scare off men who aren't looking for the same thing. You did the right thing OP.

  • [-]
  • guangxigiggler
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:33, 8 October

She's 31 years old. If she wants kids and family, she needs to get on that soon. I'm not going to say get with her or dump her, but for her sake, be decisive.

  • [-]
  • WoahBroJustChill
  • 1 Points
  • 17:18:58, 8 October

Do not cave. You handled that whole thing not just like a man, but like a 10/10 human being.

You are not going to crush her confidence. She needs to be separated. You already talked it out and laid the reasons for breaking up on the table. She wants to come over because she wants to convince you to get back together, even though the reasons for breaking up have not been resolved.

Do not cave. At most, reflect on how you are feeling. Why you are feeling. If it changes anything.

  • [-]
  • d341
  • 1 Points
  • 17:29:26, 8 October

I don't know what to do we were both so happy and just one phone call really fucked everything up. I don't know what to do now.

  • [-]
  • Delehal
  • 1 Points
  • 17:40:15, 8 October

Like you said, the two of you weren't on the same page. She (eventually) wants you two to get married, you don't. That's a pretty hard roadblock.

  • [-]
  • Dajbman22
  • 1 Points
  • 17:42:09, 8 October

Unfortunately while you two were happy, you saw your arrangement very differently. These two approaches are not compatible with each other (causal with a finite end vs. progressively more serious with hope for long term). It's neither of your faults, these things just sadly happen all the time. Sure you could have kept things going in ignorant bliss until you moved away, but the longer it kept going, the harder this eventual break would be. You did the right thing, no matter how much it hurts.

  • [-]
  • ckernan2
  • 1 Points
  • 17:39:35, 8 October

It wasn't JUST a phone call. It was a discussion about a life-altering decision that she tried to pawn off on her mother's "nagging" when in all reality, she CLEARLY has marriage in her narrow future with her decision and begging to COMPLETELY CHANGE WHO SHE IS to become WHAT SHE THINKS is your perfect mate.

You did an fan-fucking-tastic job separating and maintaining distance. Do NOT sleep with her, do NOT give her hope, and do NOT be overly nice or comforting to her. You are no longer with her and you need to set that boundary.

  • [-]
  • chikinpickle
  • 1 Points
  • 17:54:07, 8 October

Baby rabies for sure.

  • [-]
  • WoahBroJustChill
  • 1 Points
  • 17:40:29, 8 October

You know what to do. You've been doing it. Do not cave. Do not go back to her. These kind of break ups are always intensely hard, because there was no shitty awful thing she did to cause the break up. It was a rational decision based upon the knowledge that you both do not have the same significant life goals.

Do not cave.

It wasn't just some stupid silly phone call. It was understanding that you both want significantly different things out of the future. Don't let the pellmell of emotions you are feeling now be confused for something more.

Do not cave.

  • [-]
  • HumanSieve
  • 1 Points
  • 17:16:34, 8 October

I read both this post and you first one. I got the impression that you were very happy with her but when you heard that she suspected that you were going to propose to her, you suddenly got very scared because you're not ready yet for a settled life.

But as far as I understand from your post, you do actually love her.

I think you are making an assumption that she could only be happy in a married life at this moment in her life, but is this actually true?

She is now calling you for a second chance, but she is thinking that you have simply fallen out of love with her, but does she know anything about your sudden panic about marriage? Could it be that you are confusing your own fear for marriage with loss of love? The attraction you feel towards her and your unreadiness for marriage are two separate feelings. Is your attraction still there?

If so, you can meet up with her, and put on the table what has been bothering you lately. You can tell her that you overheard her mentioning proposing and you suddenly got very scared. You tell her that you still love her, but that you are absolutely not ready yet to get married, and that she should not expect or hope that from you.

And then let her make up her own mind. If that is a very big disappointment or dealbreaker for her, she might choose to leave. But she might also choose to stay in the casual relationship that you were having so far. At least let her make that choice, because right now, all she can do, and all she knows how to do, is trying to be a good person to you, because she doesn't really know about the nuances and complexities of your feelings about all this.

  • [-]
  • d341
  • 1 Points
  • 17:19:16, 8 October

In all honesty I don't want to get married to her ever. I liked her for having someone to spend time with and hang out.

  • [-]
  • HumanSieve
  • 1 Points
  • 17:25:53, 8 October

In that case it is better to keep your distance.

It is understandable that she is panicking now. Be gentle with her. Don't go complete silence just yet, it is very soon, especially since she had such high hopes; that will traumatize her. Explain again that your feelings are not strong enough. Explain it once again if necessary. Then stop talking to her.

  • [-]
  • _balance_
  • 1 Points
  • 17:22:17, 8 October

Poor girl.

  • [-]
  • kablamatron
  • 1 Points
  • 17:25:06, 8 October

I find this a bit heart breaking she just wants so bad to be with you and is willing to uproot and change everything about herself.If her age is really that much of an issue though you gotta let her go.

  • [-]
  • ckernan2
  • 1 Points
  • 17:41:50, 8 October

You ALWAYS need to maintain some sense of individualism. If she is going from being a declared Aetheist to a Catholic, you'd think you'd want her to find that on her own, not make the change to maintain a relationship (NOT EVEN ENGAGED YET!)

If anyone ever promises to change to maintain a relationship they were just told they were losing, they are NEGOTIATING, not CHANGING. HUUUUUUGE difference.

  • [-]
  • Rrrrrrr777
  • 1 Points
  • 17:40:17, 8 October

Ouch. You did the right thing, but I feel super bad for that girl.

  • [-]
  • BarneseyBoo
  • 1 Points
  • 17:42:30, 8 October

She is clearly, clearly trying to change herself to be with you. Speaking as a woman who has done that - DO NOT FOLD AND DO NOT DATE HER ANYMORE. Taking her back would validate her inclination in changing who she is works to keep a man around. It sounds like she's lying to herself about what she wants.

You've done the right thing. It would be best to not talk with her for a good while. She's going to try to keep coming over so that she can try to talk you into being with her again. It will happen over and over until you fold. Tell her you need some time with no contact, but that you're sure about your decision. It will be better for her in the long run.

I'm really sorry that it came to this. It sucks, but this was going to be worse the longer it went on.

  • [-]
  • SevenKilledNine
  • 1 Points
  • 17:09:26, 8 October

It sounds like you were clear about not wanting anything serious and she wanted something serious.

  • [-]
  • Dajbman22
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:42, 8 October

If you really had no intention of marrying this woman, and she sees you as a potential life partner, you need to make the split stick. You don't even have to go into the age thing or the Polish thing. Just keep repeating to her there isn't anything wrong with her, and that she is a wonderful woman, but you two are on such different paths right now, you need a period of time not being tied to any one direction. Remind her that she deserves more than to wait around for you to know where you want to be and if she would even fit into that life and your needs years down the line.

Take a few days to really search your soul, make sure you are clear with yourself on what you want and if you truly see no future in this relationship. If your answers remain the same, you know you did the right thing, and when she finally gets over your relationship, she will probably see it as a good thing in the end as well.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 1 Points
  • 17:37:16, 8 October

Whatever you do, do not get back together with her.
She'd try her best to bend herself to how she thinks you want her and that shit isn't healthy and, worse, might actually work until she starts resenting you for it.

Block her, don't answer her calls.

  • [-]
  • dearprue
  • 1 Points
  • 17:39:19, 8 October

Have to admit, I'm confused how you can be so sure you'd never want to marry her just based on her age, while also saying you love her. It seems more like that you mean "I'm really fond of her" as opposed to being in love with her. If this is the case, maybe this is what you need to tell her. She needs to understand that becoming Catholic/cooking Polish isn't going to fix that.

Props to you for having this convo sooner rather than later. It seems like you handled it as well as you could have. For her to think you were going to propose after 4 months (after having explicitly discussed just being casual) was a red flag. Hopefully you can both find people that are more aligned with what you want.

  • [-]
  • Triette
  • 1 Points
  • 17:51:07, 8 October

You should read his responses in the other post. According to him, he wants a younger wife (younger means they'll stay prettier longer), he's with her because it's convenient and he doesn't want to be alone until he leaves for London, they had a trip planned and he didn't want to spoil the trip, also his "love" is "I like hanging around her and having sex with her". So yeah, fond is much more appropriate here. He just needs to let her go and grow up a bit.

  • [-]
  • Holybasil
  • 1 Points
  • 17:04:44, 8 October

First off, link to your original post.

While I pretty much understood this, context is very helpful.

As to advice, if you're dead set on this not being the girl for you don't allow her to come over. It will only give her something to cling onto. Do with her like you do with the bandaid, make it quick and hard and then the pain will be as low as possible.

  • [-]
  • trapt195
  • 1 Points
  • 17:13:47, 8 October

How long would you have been with her if you didn't hear her talking to her mom?

  • [-]
  • d341
  • 1 Points
  • 17:16:08, 8 October

Would have likely broken it off with her if I was moving to London.

  • [-]
  • Jakuskrzypk
  • 1 Points
  • 17:45:00, 8 October

do you speak polish?

  • [-]
  • Asian_Ginger
  • 1 Points
  • 17:48:07, 8 October

I gave you a hard time about your age preference in the last thread, but I wanted to say that I think the way you handled this was rather mature.

I think providing her with a cultural reason rather than telling her she's too old for you was smart. She can't do anything about either one, but I would think it less devastating to be told I'm the wrong culture than I am the wrong age.

As others here have suggested to you, now is the time to hold your ground. You're doing a good job handling this from what you've written here, stick with it.

  • [-]
  • AskMenThrown
  • 1 Points
  • 17:56:32, 8 October

Wow. Willing to convert religions and become Polish.

CLINGER?

  • [-]
  • pesaru
  • 1 Points
  • 18:01:48, 8 October

This could have gone wrong a hundred different ways. You did a great job of handling it. Be careful with further talks; make sure you don't get pulled into something you don't want. It may be best to cancel the trip, unfortunately.

  • [-]
  • askmeaboutmybeard
  • 1 Points
  • 18:04:01, 8 October

>She told me that she is willing to become a Catholic (she is an atheist).

Yeah ... that spells so much trouble for the future. I don't know how "atheist" she is or how "Catholic" you are, but religious conversions + the raising of a family in a faith that only one parent is a member of can cause serious problems.

  • [-]
  • MonsieurGrimm
  • 1 Points
  • 18:04:14, 8 October

it hurts, but you're doing the absolute right thing. she obviously hasn't realized it's over yet, do whatever it takes to make her understand that.

  • [-]
  • DrBerry
  • 1 Points
  • 17:05:23, 8 October

OP you are in a tough position. Really think about why you don't want to be with this girl. Be honest with yourself is age really what matters to you? or you think that society expects you to have a younger wife.

No matter what you choose it's your choice you have a right to preference and what you want in marriage. And don't let anyone here tell you that you are wrong for wanting to be with a younger girl; it's your life you don't have to compromise for anyone.

The last thing you'd want to do is get married to a girl not being fully invested in the marriage. If you are sure you don't want to get married just reinforce that you don't want a relationship. I don't think it would be best to tell her that her age is the factor.

  • [-]
  • psolms
  • 1 Points
  • 17:10:05, 8 October

man you did all the right things there, and im sorry that it sucked so bad.

that being said, you need to shut her down completely. dont let her come over. break it off with her. yeah, it sucks, but you wont be doing her any favors by leading her on. even though it will hurt her in the short term, long term its best for everyone.

  • [-]
  • therebewhaleshere
  • 1 Points
  • 17:11:37, 8 October

Life is messy and hard :(

  • [-]
  • LogisticsNightmare
  • 1 Points
  • 17:13:09, 8 October

It might seem like a dick move right now, but I think you should explain to her that you two should spend some time completely apart from each other. No talking, texting, or any communication, so she can come to terms with things. Her continually thinking she can keep doing more "Polish" stuff to become marriage material and even follow the religion is nutty talk. She is not in a healthy place, and needs some firm separation from what she imagined and what is reality.

  • [-]
  • Zyzzdagod
  • 1 Points
  • 17:11:20, 8 October

OP don't let these white knights/neck beards tell you that you are wrong for wanting to be with a younger woman.

Seriously I read your last post 90% of the comments were let her find a husband before her looks go. So her self worth is related to her looks, but if you want a woman for her looks you are fucked up?

Yeah these guys are retards Stay strong.

  • [-]
  • WoahBroJustChill
  • 1 Points
  • 17:21:10, 8 October

Literally no one has said anything like that in this thread as of me posting this, you crazy man.

  • [-]
  • Triette
  • 1 Points
  • 17:54:16, 8 October

It's all over the original thread, which the OP probably didn't want to link to because he looks pretty bad in it. People weren't downvoting him because he wants a younger wife, people were downvoting him because he was contradicting himself, being immature, selfish and not taking any responsibility for the relationship. IMO anyway..

  • [-]
  • BilboBawbag
  • 1 Points
  • 17:23:37, 8 October

Wanting a specifically Polish wife is a bit weird though. Especially since OP isn't actually Polish, was born and grew up in the U.S.A.

  • [-]
  • d341
  • 1 Points
  • 17:28:13, 8 October

I want a Polish wife but her being older than me was the deal breaker. I told her the Polish part because I didn't want to hurt her as much

  • [-]
  • PiperZepp
  • 1 Points
  • 17:39:57, 8 October

I think you could bring up the age difference, but frame it as you being too young for her. 25-31 is a pretty big age difference, I can't imagine it would be that shocking. The idea of an average 25 year old proposing after 4 months (much less one she considers "immature") is really... uncommon.