Wife to be does not want my last name (self.AskMen)

37 ups - 10 downs = 27 votes

My girlfriend and I have been very serious for a long time (4 years), and have recently started talking about marriage. I have not proposed yet. During the conversation I wanted to make sure that she would take my name. She said she either wants to hyphenate our names or both switch to a combined name (one where we create a combination of our names for a new last name). This upsets me a lot because I always thought that she would take my last name. When I tried to convince her, she said that she will not take my name because it is a "Sexist tradition" This upset me even more because I now feel like the bad guy. She says that her taking my name is like me making her my property and therefore making her unequal to me. I think that this is ridiculous, but there is no way I can change her mind. Any advice/ thoughts?

112 comments submitted at 01:16:45 on Nov 5, 2013 by hyphinatedthrowaway

  • [-]
  • Whisky_Drunk
  • 37 Points
  • 01:39:44, 5 November

If she doesn't want to use your surname and you don't want to create a new one by hyphenation then you'll just have to respect her wishes and keep your own surnames.

I don't know if you're anywhere near thinking about having children but if you're getting married and you both keep your own surname you should discuss how the childrens names are going to work.

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 5 Points
  • 04:12:52, 5 November

I think traditionally named Mexican kids get the maiden name as a second middle name.

I'm Native, and at cultural events as a kid we were taught, traditionally, people would introduce themselves naming all your direct lineage 2-3 generations back. Your parents, maternal grand parents, paternal grand parents, etc.

  • [-]
  • NorthKoreanDictator_
  • 0 Points
  • 05:19:12, 5 November

While I'm not Mexican, that's what my parents did for me and my siblings.

...though if you do end up doing that, OP, try to give your children another middle name before their mother's last name. Having your only middle name be a last name can sometimes get you weird looks.

I do like the idea, though. I just would have preferred to have another middle name too.

So be [First Name] [Middle Name] [Mother's Last Name] [Last Name (from Father)], instead. Unless your wife's last name is something middle name-ish that doesn't look odd on its own.

  • [-]
  • pretendtofly
  • 1 Points
  • 05:53:19, 5 November

That's how my name is, and I really like my name, although fair warning having two middle names can sometimes cause problems with documentation and stuff.

  • [-]
  • ashwinmudigonda
  • 68 Points
  • 02:06:34, 5 November

I gave my wife the option and she chose not to take my last name. I wasn't bothered by it. Try putting yourself in her shoes - she grew up with a certain name for a few decades, and all of a sudden, that one thing that was hers and only hers, is not the same anymore? It would unnerve anyone. And, you really, at the end of the day, gain nothing from the name change, besides claiming her as yours. I am not supporting the feminist movement here, but in practice, it really doesn't matter.

If she is a great catch in other aspects, it's best to let this be the bargain chip. You can always bring it up much later on to show how magnanimous were, and, conversely, she can always change her name down the road.

  • [-]
  • ssercomic
  • 1 Points
  • 04:21:30, 5 November

Put a couple hyphenated last names together, brew for a generation or two, and d'oh my god! Did you hear that Alex Reed-Smith-Jones-Stone-Walker-Thomas-Foster-Johnston is pregnant?

No one should be automatically expected to follow tradition, but there are practical reasons for taking a name. I don't think it's about claiming anything - names were (and are) there to keep track of bloodlines and family trees. Sure, we could have taken women's names, but for most of mankind's violent history it was men that were doing the moving and shaking and - most importantly to this topic - dying. If a mother has children from various men, it's nice for those children to know who their fathers were - as opposed to them all just being under the same umbrella name. That's what I think, anyway, and it makes sense and is rather orderly for people to keep track of. But I think people's modern sensibilities are too easily offended, anyway, particularly carrying a disdain for the heritage and traditions that got us here.

Also, a lot of women keep their maiden names as a new middle-name, for what that's worth. I think in the far future - when the gene pool is so overflowed nobody gives a shit anymore - we'll see a steady inclination toward "combining" last names into one.

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 14 Points
  • 04:29:17, 5 November

Nothing stops a woman from keeping her maiden name while her children receive their father's name (that's actually the norm where I live).

  • [-]
  • ssercomic
  • 1 Points
  • 05:17:47, 5 November

Lots of folks in South America follow that practice.

  • [-]
  • barnesandnobles
  • -2 Points
  • 04:56:23, 5 November

Latin America?

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 5 Points
  • 04:58:41, 5 November

Nope, Quebec.

  • [-]
  • temporarycreature
  • 11 Points
  • 04:55:14, 5 November

It's 2013. You're both equal people. Hyphenate your name, and move on.

  • [-]
  • cj5rox
  • 2 Points
  • 05:10:38, 5 November

The reasonable answer.

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 39 Points
  • 01:35:28, 5 November

If she doesn't want to take your name, that's her decision and I don't really see any reason to get upset by it. She's offered a middle ground of a hyphenated or combined name. There are lots of good reasons for her to want to keep some element of her original name.

  • [-]
  • codayus
  • 18 Points
  • 02:43:36, 5 November

My view is that last names are really unimportant; therefore I don't care either way.

Your view seems to be that they are important. Which is fine. Unfortunately for you, your girlfriend agrees, but has different views on them.

> I think that this is ridiculous

No. Her not wanting your name is no more ridiculous than you wanting her to. There's nothing written in stone; if and when you marry you can do, more or less, anything you want with your last names. It's marginally easier to follow traditions (some computer systems will struggle, some states are reluctant to issue a new drivers license for a guy who wants to change his name, stuff like that) but it's a minor thing. And she's right, it is a sexist tradition; a legacy of an old idea that the wife was property of her father being transferred to become property of her husband; the change in name (from that of her father to her husband) was an integral part of her change of owner.

...which, you will say, is entirely irrelevant to the modern world. We don't think of women as property, and taking your husbands name doesn't really many anything! In which case, the counter argument goes, why are you so upset if she doesnt do it? It clearly means something. What does it mean that is both 1) good and 2) not duplicated by the marriage vows, marriage license, etc.? And so on.

And the end of the day, you'll have to talk it over and find a compromise you can both live with. If there isn't one, don't marry her. It's pretty simple, and nothing we can help you with.

  • [-]
  • ouaih
  • 8 Points
  • 01:43:48, 5 November

Have you talked about having kids, too? Would the children take your name or both of your names? Could this be a compromise where she doesn't adopt your last name, but the kids have your surname?

  • [-]
  • Xctopus
  • 1 Points
  • 04:13:36, 5 November

Yep. I could care less about whether my girlfriend / future wife decides to take my name, but I do not want to have kids that won't have my last name (or at least a hyphenated name).

  • [-]
  • pretendtofly
  • 1 Points
  • 05:54:15, 5 November

what about if your sons got your name and your daughters got hers? personally I haven't decided if it's what I would want to do but I think it's an interesting option.

  • [-]
  • thirdsin
  • 1 Points
  • 01:55:31, 5 November

This a million times this. Think further down the road.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 58 Points
  • 01:21:26, 5 November

What's your counter-argument? She has logical reasons for not wanting to take your name, do you have any for wanting her to take yours?

You've been with her for 4 years, you love her, you want to marry her... I'd let this go. I can't think of a reason that I really need anybody else to have my name. If the kids' last names are a big deal, then discuss that.

  • [-]
  • dbrown5987
  • 14 Points
  • 02:01:07, 5 November

This is probably bothering you more than you let on. But what is the problem from your perspective with hyphenating? So if you are Joe Smith and she is Jane Reed, she calls herself "Jane Reed-Smith". You can't live with that?

  • [-]
  • KeepSantaInSantana
  • 17 Points
  • 02:50:20, 5 November

How would you feel about taking her name? Why is this issue an important one to you? If no to the first question, why is it fair that she take your name when you're not willing to do the same for her?

I took my husbands name, but I'm just curious about your outrage over such a silly issue.

  • [-]
  • HodorASecond
  • 21 Points
  • 01:40:43, 5 November

It is a cultural norm, but try to understand - isn't it a little odd of a standard? What is the significance of taking that name? What are you looking for in a marriage with her? Your last name, is not necessarily at the top of that list. You two share so much more. You expected her to do what everyone else does, but it's not you she is making a statement about, it is a statement about tradition, which happens to involve something personal. Would she expect you to follow through with something you take great offense to? A union in your name is not as unifying (nor as compromising) as her alternatives are - maybe you both keep your names and just be married.

  • [-]
  • elementality22
  • 5 Points
  • 01:45:08, 5 November

As someone with a hyphenated name, it's not all that bad, thought it wasn't my choice and I'll probably get it changed before I get married. I think hyphenation is your best compromise here.

  • [-]
  • premonition34
  • 1 Points
  • 03:09:47, 5 November

My husband has a hyphenated name and it's the reason I'm keeping mine. I've talked about it with his siblings and they feel the same way as I do about taking his on...that it was obviously fine if I wanted to, but their last name combination is very specific to his parents and it would be weird for me to assume that combination. It's really complicating what we want to do with the kids' last names for the same reasons, to be honest. At some point we have to stop hyphenating and just pick a last name.

  • [-]
  • elementality22
  • 2 Points
  • 03:18:18, 5 November

Yep and my hyphenated last name isn't short nor is it by choice. My parents aren't and never were married but all I was ever told is that my last name was decided in court and seeing as I barely know my father and he won't know my children, I see no reason for them or my wife to take my full hyphenated last name and will get it changed to just my mother's last name.

  • [-]
  • dUUUUUb
  • 38 Points
  • 01:19:52, 5 November

You don't have to marry her if you aren't happy with her decision.

edit: word

  • [-]
  • Phycoz
  • 16 Points
  • 04:15:03, 5 November

Calling off a marriage because they don't want your name? That seems pretty extreme.

  • [-]
  • EuphoniousAubade
  • 14 Points
  • 04:37:47, 5 November

I think that was the point of the comment.

'Oh the beautiful girl who you love very, very much doesn't want to change her name? Call the wedding off, it's not worth it.' Kind of thing. At least that's how I interpreted it. Though I may be wrong. :)

  • [-]
  • cj5rox
  • 1 Points
  • 05:03:16, 5 November

Fairly sure that's what he was going for. A "if it's not a dealbreaker, let it go" sort of thing. Obviously, that's case by case but I feel it applies in this case.

  • [-]
  • Stratisphear
  • 0 Points
  • 05:38:57, 5 November

I think it makes sense. This seems to be something that's incredibly important to him. If she isn't willing to give him this based on her ideology, what else wouldn't she do for him? Does he really mean that much to her? Some things are incredibly important to people, and it's not so much because of the issue itself, but rather the fact that the issue is important and your partner can't see that.

  • [-]
  • lokochileno
  • 4 Points
  • 03:18:59, 5 November

In Chile no woman takes the last name of their husband. My mom being a Chilean of English decent and my dad being Chilean god knows how far back they kept their names when they immigrated to Canada.

People always thought she was either a single mother or divorced when she said her name was (for example) Ms. Sheffield.

It's also a tradition to have both the (first) last names of the parents on the kids birth certificate.

For example (not my real name). My name would be Rick Gonzalez-Sheffield. To be honest I like it, it gives me more of an identity.

When I marry my gf who's Canadian, she's going to keep her name, we both agreed that she would, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our Kids will carry my first last name and her last name.

  • [-]
  • Nievvein
  • 8 Points
  • 04:10:48, 5 November

How do you think she feels when you want to change a part of her? Would you take her name instead? If so... it is being a bit unequal - expecting her to change her name she's identified with all her life to your own, without comprising on your end.

I think the best option is to keep your own names, or form a new one together whether that be entirely new or hyphenated version of both your last names.

  • [-]
  • PedroForeskin
  • 29 Points
  • 01:48:10, 5 November

Get over it; it's only a surname. What is this, 1950?

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -20 Points
  • 02:03:02, 5 November

Why does he have to get over it? why cant she get over it? Why is her decision more important than his?

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 48 Points
  • 02:20:12, 5 November

Whose name change is being discussed here?

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -19 Points
  • 02:36:36, 5 November

What are you trying to say? Because she doesn't want to change her name he should just get it over it even though its important to him and he's the one marrying her? Why should her choice outweigh his?

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 21 Points
  • 02:59:38, 5 November

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm trying to say. One's name is a very important part of their identity, and I consider asking someone to take their spouse's name to be on the same level as asking them to get it tattooed on their arm.

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -15 Points
  • 03:26:51, 5 November

If its important to him then he has a right to want his wife to take his name. He can decide to get married on his own terms that he's happy with.

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 13 Points
  • 03:37:36, 5 November

Sure, and she has a right to refuse; where are you going with this?

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -8 Points
  • 03:45:29, 5 November

She does have every right to refuse. I don't get why its somehow wrong for a guy to want his wife to take his name if that's what makes him happy. People in this thread make it seem like its an insult for some strange reason. He has every right to want his wife to take his name since he's marrying her.

  • [-]
  • ilostmydarling
  • 9 Points
  • 03:55:19, 5 November

But we're not really talking about universal rights or whatever, we're discussing common decency. It just seems more reasonable to me for a wife to want to keep her own name than for a husband to want his wife to take his name.

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -7 Points
  • 04:01:32, 5 November

If he's choosing to marry her and his reason for wanting her to take his name is something as simple as it makes him happy than that should be enough. It doesn't make sense to marry someone when the terms if the marriage don't make you happy.

  • [-]
  • premonition34
  • 18 Points
  • 03:07:00, 5 November

Because he's the one who wants a change to be made and she isn't the one instigating or pushing for it.

"I want to try anal." "I do not." "But I do! Can't you get over your disinterest in it? Why is your decision more important than mine?"

...See why that doesn't make sense?

  • [-]
  • qipqipqip
  • -9 Points
  • 03:23:22, 5 November

He doesn't have to marry her and he isn't forcing her to do anything. He doesn't have to "just get over it" if he wants her to take his name and she's against it. Why should he marry her if it isn't on his terms?

  • [-]
  • cj5rox
  • 5 Points
  • 05:07:56, 5 November

> Why should he marry her if it isn't on his terms?

Well marriage is a two way street and it'll be on both of their terms. Some compromise is gonna need to be made as is common with a lot of things in life. In this, her decision outweighs his preference. If he chooses not to marry for that reason, so be it. That'd be idiotic in my opinion but I don't debate that that is his right, as it is her right to keep her name.

  • [-]
  • DrinkVictoryGin
  • 7 Points
  • 04:13:32, 5 November

Why is YOUR name more important than hers for any reason other than tradition? Traditions are things people keep doing just because people used to do them. Think for yourself!

  • [-]
  • Fuckyourday
  • 4 Points
  • 04:58:55, 5 November

Why the hell do you care so much? What's so important about her changing her name?

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 12 Points
  • 01:19:30, 5 November

Decide if it's a deal-breaker. Act accordingly.

I'd try to explain to her that it doesn't mean she is your property, it means she joins your family. Because that's what it means.

  • [-]
  • HodorASecond
  • 25 Points
  • 01:32:13, 5 November

Love and marriage brings the families together, not one name.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • -1 Points
  • 01:35:33, 5 November

A family is a name and a bloodline.

  • [-]
  • HodorASecond
  • 10 Points
  • 01:43:11, 5 November

And no name changes the blood. Taking the man's name is about far more than just blood and family.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • -21 Points
  • 01:48:35, 5 November

It shows that she is now part of the man's family instead of her own. It means that she'll be able to rely on their help should something happen to her husband.
It means that his children will be a part of his family, carrying on the name.
It's also a sign that they belong together, as they have the same name. A man couldn't really change his name like that, he has to carry on the name and blood.

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 25 Points
  • 02:07:21, 5 November

Exactly, she's part of the man's family. The practice is rooted in ownership, even if that's not how most people view it today. In the 21st century, it's completely reasonable for someone not to want to take another person's name. I don't understand how you can suggest she should take his name yet at the same time say

> A man couldn't really change his name like that, he has to carry on the name and blood

That's a fairly obvious double standard, dude.

If it's really about coming together and forming a family, a hyphenated name that represents both parties seems a far more logical answer than the woman automatically being required to take the man's name. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • -18 Points
  • 02:17:41, 5 November

The bloodline is given by the man, and so the naming should follow him as well. No need to get confusing.
Hyphenated names destroy old families, end them.

>The practice is rooted in ownership, even if that's not how most people view it today

It's really not. It's older than Christianity, back from times when women were masters in the house and men outside. The German tribes already had that custom.
Those women certainly weren't owned by their husbands. It's just that bloodlines are passed down through the male line.
It's rooted in a sense of belonging together, of being one family.

If I marry, the woman will join my family. Not me hers and certainly no new family.

  • [-]
  • brycedriesenga
  • 13 Points
  • 02:36:49, 5 November

I'm fairly certain there have been societies where the bloodline follows the women.

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 4 Points
  • 04:17:01, 5 November

Native Americans

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 10 Points
  • 02:29:44, 5 November

This isn't the 15th century, bloodlines mean next to nothing in modern western nations (outside of the Royal family).

The practice of a woman taking a man's name following marriage, as found in most Western nations, is rooted in ownership. Why is it important for a woman to take a man's name? It shows she's in that family. It shows that any child born by that woman in wedlock will be entitled to inheritance rights as a member of that family. It's directly linked to issues of property. Why was maintenance of bloodline important? Again, property. It's an outdated practice that really has little need or significance anymore. Very few people are concerned about protecting their "bloodlines".

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 5 Points
  • 04:16:29, 5 November

If she has a bigger family than his, doesn't that me there is more familial resources on her side?

  • [-]
  • HodorASecond
  • 4 Points
  • 02:20:40, 5 November

That sounds like a load of shit, a man can't change his name.

I must be on the blue pill.

  • [-]
  • brycedriesenga
  • 8 Points
  • 02:37:39, 5 November

Are you serious? Why can't a man change his name? I have a friend who recently got married and he took his wife's last name.

  • [-]
  • HodorASecond
  • 7 Points
  • 02:40:01, 5 November

Yes, I believe the notion that a man can not change his name is bullshit.

  • [-]
  • brycedriesenga
  • 3 Points
  • 02:41:25, 5 November

Ooh, ok, I wasn't quite clear on what your comment meant, but I got it now. Cheers.

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 1 Points
  • 05:26:55, 5 November

A man can carry on the name, he can't be sure he's carrying on the blood.

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 3 Points
  • 04:15:29, 5 November

we don't need names for that, we got DNA testing

  • [-]
  • andrewjackson5
  • -1 Points
  • 01:47:04, 5 November

Love and marriage also go together like a horse and carriage

  • [-]
  • cyanocobalamin
  • 6 Points
  • 01:41:43, 5 November

I understand and agree with the usual reasons why women say they don't want to do this. I would still be hurt.

  • [-]
  • lafephi
  • 12 Points
  • 02:48:45, 5 November

Serious question: Is it because you would feel like she was rejecting a part of you?

  • [-]
  • cyanocobalamin
  • 7 Points
  • 03:14:06, 5 November

Yep.

  • [-]
  • lafephi
  • 4 Points
  • 03:20:16, 5 November

Does that make it a deal breaker, or is it just something you would quietly be hurt about and then force yourself to get over?

  • [-]
  • cyanocobalamin
  • 1 Points
  • 03:22:04, 5 November

If I loved someone enough to ask her to marry me I wouldn't let something like that be a deal breaker. I wouldn't be quietly hurt about it. I wouldn't know what would come next.

  • [-]
  • lafephi
  • 2 Points
  • 03:29:49, 5 November

Gotcha. I've always been curious. I never planned on taking my husband's name as women in my family have not taken their husband's name going three or four generations back. It was fine with my husband because he really could care less but it is also a part of his culture that women don't take the man's name after marriage. His grandmother's name is different from his mom and uncle's, so it wasn't unusual for him. It honestly had nothing to do with him or rejecting a part of him, although I do see how you would feel that way, it had more to do with the fact that I was published under my maiden name, was working towards a doctorate under my maiden name, and I wanted my professional name to be the same as my personal use name as I didn't want to feel like those were separate identities. I will say though, that I use his name socially and if someone calls me by his last name I won't correct them. I also might not respond as I am unaccustomed to being referred to using his last name, but I won't correct the person.

  • [-]
  • handshape
  • 2 Points
  • 01:47:31, 5 November

I've seen this go a few different ways.

My folks kept their own surnames before it was fashionable. My family name is my father's, but my mother's family name is an (unhyphenated) middle name. Long-term successful marriage.

My wife has taken my name. Also a long term success.

The counterexample is a relative whose wife kept her name, and insisted that their child be given her family's name. The feeling was that she'd made her husband a temporary part of the family unity, and two years later she finally pulled the trigger.

  • [-]
  • Candalance
  • 3 Points
  • 04:05:49, 5 November

There could also be a professional reason behind it. I know that women who have published papers will often keep their last name as it is the name they've developed their career around.

  • [-]
  • b_digital
  • 3 Points
  • 04:50:35, 5 November

This is really pretty simple: You have to weigh your desire to have your future wife take your last name against your desire for your current girlfriend to be your wife.

  • [-]
  • Ksong11
  • 1 Points
  • 05:02:59, 5 November

My mom never took my dad's last name, and my parents gave me my mom's last name. Why? Because it sounds better. They're still happily married and they don't let it be a problem. It shouldn't be a problem, because it's just a surname. I'm still deliberating on what I'd do with my last name to be honest. My name has become such a certain part of my identity that I am reluctant to part with it, yet I still want to have the identity that I am now married to this man and will bear his last name. Does that make sense? It's something that I struggle with when I think about it, but I'm not seriously ailed by it at the moment. I still have a couple years before I get to a point of wanting to get married, I think.

All in all, I don't think it should matter too much. By marrying her, putting the ring on her finger as well as one on your own.. that gives both of you enough ownership over each other. It's a rather outdated tradition if you ask me.

  • [-]
  • mtempissmith
  • 1 Points
  • 05:10:18, 5 November

She's offering to hyphenate. That's offering to take your name. You don't want her to take your name. You want her to take ONLY your name, and that is a bit sexist. She wants to be herself and your wife. Nothing wrong with that and if she didn't love you she probably wouldn't offer at all. Think about it. She's actually offering to take it, just not the way you'd like. You could compromise a bit here too. Keep at it she might not be willing to take YOU let alone your name. :P

  • [-]
  • AirAdmiral
  • 2 Points
  • 05:31:27, 5 November

Her name is part of her identity just like yours is part of your own identity. Would you feel reluctant to change your name to her last name because she just always thought you would? Would you feel like you were losing a piece of what made you you? And please try to remember, your SO's opinion on her legal and personal identification is not ridiculous. It is an opinion that you are perfectly allowed to not share but need to respect as a perfectly valid standpoint if you plan on her sticking around.

  • [-]
  • triple-l
  • 1 Points
  • 05:53:47, 5 November

Just both keep your own names. It is kind of a dumb tradition when you think about it.

  • [-]
  • internet_observer
  • 1 Points
  • 06:01:17, 5 November

Think about it this way, if you want a unified last name then would you take her last name? When it comes down to it it is kind of a sexist tradition. I don't see why a hyphenated/combo solution is so bad. She seems to have good justification for not wanting your last name and she has offered common ground. What are your arguments for her taking your last name other then "I thought it was going to happen that way"?

  • [-]
  • hip_hopopotamus
  • 5 Points
  • 01:58:07, 5 November

Why do you want her to take your last name? Also can you come up with reasonable counter arguments?

  • [-]
  • secondtaint
  • 2 Points
  • 02:20:43, 5 November

I'm going to agree with most responders here. If she doesnt, or won't, take your name, its ultimately her choice. However, I do think it is a little stubborn of her to not even consider something that is obviously important to you. On the other hand, if it's very important to her as well, I'd go with a hyphenated name. That way you are both recognized, and she's not rejecting your name or family. She's making you part of her family as you are making her a part of yours.

  • [-]
  • liliGibbons
  • 2 Points
  • 04:06:27, 5 November

You should take her name!

  • [-]
  • DrDerpberg
  • 1 Points
  • 05:30:52, 5 November

Why is it so important to you? Your wife is the person you fell in love with. That person had her own name and her own personality before you met her. Why should she cast aside any part of herself once she marries you?

I don't see it as a sexist thing. I don't want my girlfriend getting rid of her name, because she is who she was. Just because we get married doesn't mean she's suddenly not the person she was 5 minutes before.

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 1 Points
  • 05:49:38, 5 November

This would upset me profoundly. I'm not saying I wouldn't marry her, but that would be my reaction. I can perfectly understand her reasons for it and I can't say I blame her. It might not be entirely reasonable for me to be hurt by it, but I know I would be. It's something deeply rooted in my own issues and I know it would be difficult for me to come to terms with this.

  • [-]
  • yngwin
  • 1 Points
  • 06:19:07, 5 November

I'm not a feminist, but I agree with her on this one.

  • [-]
  • ManicLord
  • 1 Points
  • 06:40:28, 5 November

I really wouldn't care at all.

  • [-]
  • Kyrn
  • 1 Points
  • 06:44:49, 5 November

I know personally this would be one of the few "sexist" deal breakers I have.

I'm big on history, and family history. I was also made to feel ashamed of my last name numerous times growing up. I eventually learned quite a bit about my family lineage and it's ties, and now it's a source of sentimental pride for me.

There's also fewer men in my family than women, and many are now dead.

I'd explain to her why I wanted her to take my last name, and that unless she came from similar circumstance, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I can see why some don't like this, but I have my reasons. If taking my last name is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. I'll move on and fine someone who doesn't mind as much.

  • [-]
  • EdgarFrogandSam
  • 2 Points
  • 02:16:37, 5 November

>I wanted to make sure that she would take my name.

Why?

>I always thought that she would take my last name.

Why?

While I can understand why a young woman would refer to the name-taking as "sexist," I think that's also kind of a cop-out to having a real reason, unless you've always known her to be vehemently anti-sexist (though who isn't, really).

With the information you've given, I don't really know why you would expect her to do so or why she would assume you would think of her as property or think you're better than her.

Keep talking it out and try to get to the root of why you would both have those expectations; that's how it looks to me, apologies if I'm reading the situation wrong.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 02:36:44, 5 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • EdgarFrogandSam
  • 4 Points
  • 02:38:55, 5 November

I'd love to see a statistic on that.

I know plenty of people my own age with hyphenated last names.

Edit: Why would it make any difference that it had been happening for such a long time? That doesn't make something right or the only way to do a certain thing.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 2 Points
  • 02:43:24, 5 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • EdgarFrogandSam
  • 1 Points
  • 02:51:44, 5 November

Well, if you say it like that, you're just being needlessly rude. And you could certainly offer an alternative, which I think could be totally acceptable.

  • [-]
  • Stratisphear
  • 1 Points
  • 05:35:40, 5 November

Well, here's your choice. Evaluate how much this means to you, and choose:

  1. Tell her that you won't get married unless she takes your name. Only do this if you are willing to follow through. Make sure you explain how you don't feel like she's your property, but explain how and why it's important to you.

  2. Get married, but each of you keep your own names. (I can advocate this one. It's my plan if / when I marry and my parents did this). Make sure you discuss the plans for your children, if you have them.

  3. Get married and hyphenate. Personally, I advocate against this. I lose a LOT of respect for men who've done this. I know this sounds bad, but they just seem whipped and kind of pathetic.

  • [-]
  • feralsteve
  • -4 Points
  • 03:01:49, 5 November

People in this sub are too "modern" for their own good, damn. Taking of a surname isn't ownership so stop trying to act like it still is. OP I understand where you're coming from I want my SO to take my last name, but this point you have to decide how important this is to you and if it is a potential deal breaker for you. If not then move forward and discuss any potential kids last names.

  • [-]
  • edmondcrusoe
  • -9 Points
  • 03:09:07, 5 November

I agree. Assuming this is America, we are in a patriarchal society. I don't look at it as right or wrong so much as it just is what it is. Girls where I am from grow up knowing and expecting this to happen.

  • [-]
  • feralsteve
  • 5 Points
  • 03:11:55, 5 November

I don't think we should mindlessly follow it and accept it. I think the notion of it being ownership and a sexist practice is ridiculous.

  • [-]
  • mattb717
  • -7 Points
  • 01:58:51, 5 November

It'd be a deal breaker for me. I'm a traditional guy, so I'd have to bounce.

  • [-]
  • wolfkin
  • -2 Points
  • 04:17:24, 5 November

ehh. I think she's getting her panties in a bunch a little too hard. But honestly it's her choice. I would want my future wife to take my name but if she doesn't want to. I hope I have the sense of mind to be able to let it go.

There are more important issues in your relationship than her taking your name. You just have to accept it and maybe that's the thing you argue about on Sundays in your 60s or whatever.

  • [-]
  • Bigblackpimp
  • -24 Points
  • 01:53:23, 5 November

This is a bad omen my friend.

You are not a "bad guy" so don't get into some bullshit shame game she is playing. This isn't a sexist tradition - you two are coming together as one to FORM A FAMILY. Yes, the tradition is for the woman to take the mans name; helps with genealogy and men for feeling better that the kid is theirs (when there's the chance its not yours...) I digress. If you take her name you might as well let her put a strap-on on and pound you.

You have a decision to make bro. If this shit is a deal-breaker WALK AWAY... And be upfront and tell her. I can tell you if you think this is hard... marriage WILL get a lot fucking harder. Believe me.

Good luck bro!

  • [-]
  • SMStanton
  • -1 Points
  • 04:51:11, 5 November

If the local law gives her the option to refuse taking your surname, it's her decision

  • [-]
  • AntagonizeTheElderly
  • -24 Points
  • 02:10:17, 5 November

If she divorces you she could ruin your life. The least she could do is suffer the minor inconvenience of taking your name.

  • [-]
  • Perfect_Tommy
  • -13 Points
  • 03:38:11, 5 November

Dude, walk away. This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. She's against taking your last name because it's "a sexist tradition", but never bothered changing the name that same sexist tradition has shackled her with since birth? She's worried about being viewed as your property...so that means her dad's not walking her down the aisle and giving her away/presenting her at the wedding.

I see a lifetime of arguments over whose name comes first on loan applications, return address labels, and the like.

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 4 Points
  • 04:21:15, 5 November

to be fair, 50% of her blue print came from her dad's gonad.

  • [-]
  • Csardonic1
  • -14 Points
  • 02:14:52, 5 November

The refusal to take my name wouldn't matter to me at all, but considering her ridiculous justification, I may re-evaluate my decision to marry her.

  • [-]
  • tcatlicious
  • -7 Points
  • 02:42:26, 5 November

I'm curious as to what the rest of your relationship is like? Is she one of those that believes everything should be 50/50. Like, "I did the laundry, you empty the dishwasher" or "I did X last week, so you have to do Y". Does she keep a running tally of who did/does what to ensure everything is equal?

The reason I ask is most relationships aren't 50/50, they are more like 75/25 and it goes back and forth who is the 75% and who is the 25%. When my bf is going through a rough patch, I do more in the relationship than he does and when I am going through a rough time, he does more. But we don't keep score. It's about taking care of one another and taking care of the normal stuff you have to do in life. Also, does she think you treat her like property?

  • [-]
  • p3ndulum
  • -12 Points
  • 04:27:50, 5 November

I wouldn't marry her.

If she isn't willing to fully buy in to the concept of marriage and family, she'll probably cause you more headaches further down the road.

Date her, but don't marry her.

  • [-]
  • WithMyFaceInMyPalm
  • -24 Points
  • 01:43:12, 5 November

I am inviting you to join and become a part of my family because I love you and that has been the way of things long before either of us were born. If that is not acceptable to you then we must part ways. She's manipulating you into feeling shame for something that's completely normal - shame on her.

Ask her point blank "will you not marry me and take my last name? Yes or no." If she can't set that cross down, I'd leave. I'm not sure what the indians would say, something about bringing shame upon me in front of my people.

  • [-]
  • internet_observer
  • 1 Points
  • 06:13:17, 5 November

A marriage is about unity. What makes it his family? It should be their family. Together. She is no more joining his family then he is joining her family.

  • [-]
  • md619
  • -7 Points
  • 05:07:19, 5 November

Run away far and run fast OP

  • [-]
  • Gerbils74
  • -7 Points
  • 05:12:52, 5 November

There is no way it is at all sexist. A tradition, yes, but sexist not a bit. Sometimes i think that feminists are just women that dont have anything better to complain about than nothing

  • [-]
  • SheriffBart42
  • -8 Points
  • 05:06:00, 5 November

Is her cooking dinner for you oppressive? Is her giving you a blow job subjugating her? What other pleasant qualities/actions associated with being a wife of the past does she oppose to? Better find them all out right now. This situation might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just know that this is the kind of woman who will have zero mercy on you in the divorce.

I'd be curious how much money you spend on each other and in what ratio. Raise your hand if you'd be surprised that she'll gladly let him support her financially. I could be wrong, of course, just not surprised.

When an armed burglar comes in the house to rob, rape, and murder everyone and she's the first line of defense while you sit in the closet and call 911 then she can pick some other name.

Her taking your name is like making her your property except it's not. It's making her your family. How are you supposed to carry on your family name while she and her brothers carry on theirs. This is the system that was agreed upon and worked just fine. I say take a hard line. You know better but it looks like the tip of the iceberg to me. Feminism ftl.

  • [-]
  • redpilldude
  • -30 Points
  • 01:49:45, 5 November

Is she from SRS? LOL.