[Update] Wife[35f] and I[35m] have had an open marriage for 2 years now my wife wants to close it (self.polyamory)

3 ups - 12 downs = 0 votes

First of all I want to clarify some things that people didn’t get in my original post. If I didn’t go with the open marriage, than she would have done it behind my back. She didn’t explicitly say she was going to cheat, but she hinted that “it was bound to happen.”

Second part is, I have looked over divorce plenty of times, right now I know where I stand. Wife would be much worse off than I would be. We both have jobs, so she wouldn’t get any alimony and if she still tried to sue and somehow won, she could only get a year’s worth (we have a prenup).

Third, I want to reinforce again I don’t have an emotional relationship with the 19 year old. I recently started looking into getting other women online; I have found another girl (23) that is interested in spending time with me. We have exchanged pictures of each other and we are planning on meeting up soon. I found out going to websites that specialize in affairs there are a good bit of women that actually want to sleep with married men. So hopefully I’ll be able to rack my numbers up.

I can’t remember everything that was said this is my best recollection there was a lot of crying and yelling throughout the whole time. When we were talking my emotions were very high so I said some things that I probably wouldn’t have had I thought about what I said.

The talk

After coming home from work I sat my wife down and talked about the marriage. I told her I have been thinking for a while, and that I think it would be best if we separated for a while and see how that is for us. Instantly I saw my wife’s pupils widen, she starts telling me that we don’t need to do this, that it would be bad for our relationship.

I told her that I am bitter over the whole open marriage thing to begin with, I told her she made me open it when I didn’t want to now wants to close it when I don’t want to. She starts profusely apologizing for the past and says she is sorry.

I told her that it wasn’t just opening it, I told her that she knew exactly how upset I was when she’d come back home after sleeping with other guys. And all that time I ended up resenting her for it. I told her that when I married her being her first and only made me feel special now that she slept with 11 other guys when we were together, I think of her as a slut.

She starts crying at this point, and says she knows she is a slut but she wants to work things out. I told her that even if we were to repair our marriage I could never love her like I used to. At this point she starts telling me she wish she never opened up the marriage she didn’t think it affected our relationship so badly. She starts begging for me to physically hit her that she deserves it. I told her I am not going to hit her at this point she is just shaking. She asks if there is any way we can revive the marriage.

I told her that I can’t promise that things are going to go back the way things were. But I want things to be fair. I told her I don’t want to rack up her number of 11 partners but I want to sleep around for 2 years just like she did. If she wants to close off the relationship now it’s closed on her side, and I’ll sleep around until I had the same amount of time she did. I told her if she can’t accept that than there is no chance I will get back together with her.

She starts telling me how sick she feels when I am out with the other girl. I told her, I had the same feeling for 2 years and she needs to get over it just like I did. She continues to guilt me telling me how bad she feels. I told her that a part of me enjoys seeing her suffer like I did. She starts telling me that even thought she was with those other guys she still enjoyed having sex with me the most and cared about me the most. I told her that’s bull shit and she needs to stop lying. If this truly was the case, she wouldn’t have slept around for 2 years, that if it was just for experience than she would have quit a long time ago. I yelled at her to be honest with me and just tell me she liked sleeping with other guys more than me.

I told her that I’ll be honest with her when it comes to sex, that I already enjoy sleeping with the 19 year girl more than I do with her. I told her that the “special sex” she (my wife) tries to manipulate me with, me and the other girl do on the regular . I told her that even with a condom her vagina feels better than my wife’s. I told her now when I sleep with her(my wife), I think of her vagina as tainted and loose.

Wife starts crying really hard at this point and says she wants to kill herself. She says she hates herself for what she has become. At this point, I go to my room to pack my shit up and leave for the motel. About 5 minutes into my packing my wife comes upstairs and she starts throwing my clothes out of my suitcase. I yell at her and tell her she needs to stop. She ends up tackling me onto our bed and lays there crying her eyes out. She says I can sleep with whoever I want and she’ll keep the relationship closed on her part.

I told her if she agrees to this then I don’t want to be made to feel guilty at all for going out. She told me she will do her best in that area.

future

One thing which I have done is I’ll be checking our phone records and computer history to see if my wife is contacting any of her old fwb when I am out. If she does this once without telling me she wants to open up the relationship on her end, I am divorcing her on the spot.

I plan on continuing to sleep around. To those people asking why I didn’t divorce my wife when she first asked to open up our marriage. It was because at that time I put her on a pedestal. Because she was a virgin, I saw her as ‘different’ and ‘pure.’ I almost felt guilty for having her when she never got to be with other guys. That coupled with ever losing her was terrifying thought.

Now the idea of ‘purity’ and notions I had in my head about my wife are gone. I view her as a person I can have an emotional and physical connection with. We both are compatible living with each other, financially she is frugal, loving caring. So for those reasons even though we went through our shit I still would like to remain married to her. The ideals of ‘true love’ and ‘the only person for me’ are long gone now.

As I told my wife I am going to continue to sleep with other girls that’s the plan so if you guys have any ideas how that can backfire on me let me know. If your fear is she will cheat on me I could give 0 shits now. If she emotionally got attached to other guys 11 times I’d be much more happy than her sleeping with them. At the point I am now in my life I don’t care much either if she sleeps with another guy. I won’t be hurt her number will go from 11 to 12 big deal. When we opened up the marriage that may not have technically been cheating but it pierced my heart the same way. I have become numb to that pain now. If she cheats all it does it makes her an untrustworthy person so I’ll divorce her.

Tl-dr – I tell wife I’d like to separate. She begs me not to. I tell her that I’ll stay with her under the condition I can sleep around just as much as she did. And if she can’t accept that than we need to divorce

9 comments submitted at 21:29:54 on Nov 6, 2013 by throwddddddd

  • [-]
  • sherlie
  • 13 Points
  • 21:57:04, 6 November

Is there a reason you're posting this here? Besides to piss people off?

You're slut shaming and being a huge asshole. If you weren't happy having the open relationship, you should have closed it ages ago or left your wife ages ago.

Your wife doesn't deserve to be treated like dirt the way you seem to.

Your bullshit about purity is disgusting.

  • [-]
  • throwddddddd
  • -3 Points
  • 22:57:50, 6 November

She slept with people when I didn't want her to. As I said I didn't want to leave my wife. And that "bull shit about poverty" are my own personal views and feelings on the matter. We are allowed to have preferences.

  • [-]
  • kallisti_gold
  • 13 Points
  • 22:00:52, 6 November

I don't think you're in this to fix your marriage. I think you're just in it for revenge.

And if all you're interested in is revenging your hurts upon your wife, just fucking end it now. Two wrongs don't make a right.

  • [-]
  • throwddddddd
  • -4 Points
  • 22:58:20, 6 November

I want to go back having the same amount of fun as she did. That way we are both even.

  • [-]
  • kallisti_gold
  • 4 Points
  • 22:59:12, 6 November

You're more concerned about getting even than in the health of your marriage.

Do both of you a favor, and end it.

At the very least, get some marriage counseling.

  • [-]
  • throwddddddd
  • -4 Points
  • 23:02:21, 6 November

If I end it she won't have my insurance plan and won't get the proper treatment for her illness. And good chance she will be resigned to a wheel chair.

  • [-]
  • kallisti_gold
  • 4 Points
  • 23:03:32, 6 November

Counseling, then. If you are truly serious about trying to make your marriage work, and not just stringing her along for your own sadistic pleasure, get marriage counseling.

  • [-]
  • MKaloha
  • 7 Points
  • 22:53:50, 6 November

Ouch! My heart sank just reading what you wrote. You sound bitter and hateful to me. You said some very hateful things to your wife (maybe she deserved it, maybe she didn't), but you can't ever take back hurtful words like that. Good luck, I think you are going to need it. This forum is about loving others, (multiple others) not hating them or making them suffer.

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 2 Points
  • 01:03:25, 7 November

You are a horrific human being. How on earth can you say such things to a person you claim to love, or have loved?

Just divorce her. Your fucked up ideas about purity have no place in a healthy sexual polyamorous relationship, anyways.