I [29M] told my gf [29F] of 1 year, that I love her. She didn't say it back but said she's ready to get engaged. I'm sad and confused. (self.relationships)

245 ups - 51 downs = 194 votes

My gf and I have been seeing each other for about a year. Things were going well and progressing. A few days ago when we were alone and the moment seemed right, I told her I love her. Her reaction was "Reallyyy????!! Ummmm... Wow..... I was not expecting that at all" (in the most surprised and shocked way I've ever seen her since I've known her).

We continued to talk and then she herself brought up the idea of moving in together and getting engaged. Her exact words were: "If you were to ask me to marry you, my answer would be yes, and I'd be very happy". She never said she loves me back during the whole conversation, but said she is "falling that way" (she avoided using the word "love" in our entire conversation).

I'm really confused and quite sad about all this. I don't know what to make of it. I'm going to talk to her about it, but thought I'd get myself into a better state before doing so (I've been quite sad for the past few days and don't want to talk to her about it while feeling this way).

tl;dr: I told my gf that I love her, but she didn't say it back. During the same conversation, she brought up moving in together and getting engaged. I'm sad and seriously confused.

EDIT #1: A commenter (flaman12) touched on a good point: "some people like the idea and concept of marriage, and try to convince themselves that it will work."

This is exactly what I'm afraid of to be honest. What made me most sad is that the reasons she said for wanting to get engaged were not emotional at all. She lives with her parents at the moment, and said she's ready to move out and experience having her own place (I just bought a new house). She also said "I know I'm not going to find anyone better than you and you're what I'm looking for". Although these are nice sentiments, I don't find them to be emotional at all; they're very logical reasons.

Whereas my responses to her were: "I wouldn't want to share my house with anyone but you", "You make me so happy", "I want to give you everything", etc (emotional reasons, not logical ones).

EDIT #2: Additional facts

  • She has a decent job ($50k) and is staying with her parents for cultural reasons and to save up money (although she was born and raised in the United States)

  • She's very attractive and popular (I think because she is just so nice to everyone she sees, in addition to being so attractive)

  • She has a lot of friends who she constantly hangs out with (her phone is always vibrating from text messages during our dates)

  • She recently started taking a hormonal birth control pill that is known to reduce sex-drive; she seems a lot more mellow after starting it (but it could be totally random, I don't know)

  • She did mention that she is getting older and wants to move forward. She also mentioned her parents are slightly pressuring her.

122 comments submitted at 13:59:30 on Nov 11, 2013 by jsjsatgmail

  • [-]
  • K_Rad
  • 47 Points
  • 15:14:58, 11 November

Before I got to your edit, I was going to comment something similar. A woman shouldn't be more excited about 'being married' than who she's getting married to. Sounds like she couldn't care less who the groom is as long as that happens.

  • [-]
  • thingsliveundermybed
  • 22 Points
  • 16:36:34, 11 November

Exactly. It bothers me how many people I have heard saying "I want to get married" instead of "I want to find someone that I want to marry." It's an important difference, and I don't think this woman knows that.

  • [-]
  • Ksong11
  • 1 Points
  • 20:06:49, 11 November

Yes! Love is so important in marriage, it seems so silly to me that this girl would want marriage without... Love. It seems like she's more excited about marriage than she is with you, and marriage just seems like the convenient or favorable or even culturally acceptable thing to do?

  • [-]
  • Heather_red
  • 1 Points
  • 20:15:46, 11 November

I have to agree with this. Not hearing i love you is the hardest thing ever! Im sorry! Hope you can figure it out. You should bring it up to her. I told my ex i loved him and he didnt say it back a couple days later i brought it up and he said he didnt feel that way yet. Then broke up with me :( SUCKS!

  • [-]
  • who_whom
  • 114 Points
  • 15:13:21, 11 November

She's ready to settle down and sees you as a good provider. Loving you doesn't seem to have crossed her mind at all.

  • [-]
  • brokenpheonix
  • 6 Points
  • 20:02:32, 11 November

I think she's just hoping she'll fall in love with him once she's married to him. That he's the ticket out, he's good enough, and he fits the checklist of what a good option should be. She isn't looking for love at all right now... she's looking for a way out.

  • [-]
  • PortiasCreed
  • 68 Points
  • 15:27:23, 11 November

>This is exactly what I'm afraid of to be honest. What made me most sad is that the reasons she said for wanting to get engaged were not emotional at all. She lives with her parents at the moment, and said she's ready to move out and experience having her own place (I just bought a new house).

This would be a warning sign for me, because it sounds like it's possible she could be staying with you for your house and the chance to be independent, and not because of your relationship. For me, personally, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't privilege their love for me above logistical considerations like wanting to leave home.

>She also said "I know I'm not going to find anyone better than you and you're what I'm looking for". Although these are nice sentiments, I don't find them to be emotional at all; they're very logical reasons.

And this would probably be a dealbreaker for me. She's essentially saying she's settled for you because she's weighed the chances of finding someone better and decided the risk is too big to leave you. That's shitty. After a year there's no way she should just now be maybe on the verge of falling in love with you, provided you haven't undergone a really serious incident that you're working to overcome (like infidelity). You have to be honest with yourself and figure out if you're going to be okay with someone who is trying to convince herself that marriage with you is a good bet. I suspect you may not be.

  • [-]
  • blumpkintron
  • 14 Points
  • 18:13:20, 11 November

> She's essentially saying she's settled for you because she's weighed the chances of finding someone better and decided the risk is too big to leave you.

In general, I agree with you, and under the circumstances you're probably right, but I wonder if by this she didn't mean that "He's the best person she's ever met, and she'd be hard pressed to find someone better"?

I mean, I think my husband is the best person I've ever met, and if I used those words to describe him, I'd mean them literally. Maybe a little bit of benefit of the doubt is in order?

Just a little Devil's Advocate.

  • [-]
  • wanked_in_space
  • 9 Points
  • 18:33:55, 11 November

Yeah, but then there's everything else she said.

  • [-]
  • unpossibru
  • 26 Points
  • 15:33:37, 11 November

If she's not in love with you after a year, which she's clearly not, I doubt she will magically fall in love. More than likely she will just try to convince herself that she has feelings for you and that she wants to be with you, but it won't be true love. She may be able to live like this for years, but she won't be truly excited about you and if she does fall in love with someone else down the line she will dump you for something more emotionally fulfilling.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 11 Points
  • 19:18:40, 11 November

It took him a year to say it. Doesn't anyone find that a bit odd, too?

  • [-]
  • diego_montoya_jr
  • 3 Points
  • 19:45:28, 11 November

Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. Unless they weren't exclusive or serious at what OP defines as the start of their year together.

  • [-]
  • Italia_still_sucks
  • 2 Points
  • 20:07:54, 11 November

It took my partner 14 months to say it. Some people are slower than others

  • [-]
  • IcarusGoodman
  • 2 Points
  • 20:31:42, 11 November

Couldn't agree more, there's a red flag if eve I saw one.

  • [-]
  • abittooshort
  • 309 Points
  • 15:12:53, 11 November

>She also said "I know I'm not going to find anyone better than you and you're what I'm looking for".

This is a HUGE red flag. As soon as she meets someone she has an emotional connection with, she'll be gone. She seems to only see you as a convenience rather than a partner.

Sorry, I don't see this working long-term.

  • [-]
  • HelloHAL9000
  • 22 Points
  • 16:43:11, 11 November

Before OP jumps to breaking up, I think he should elaborate more on their relationship.

OP, what are the good things about your relationship? What makes you say those emotional things you mentioned in your edit?

  • [-]
  • hmbemis
  • 18 Points
  • 17:57:10, 11 November

> I know I'm not going to find anyone better than you and you're what I'm looking for

Is English her 2nd language? I'm wondering if this was more of a phrasing issue... the last half she says that OP is what she's looking for. If you interpreted the first half more literally (as you might if you didn't speak English as your first language) it could mean she thinks he's the best, as in there is no one better than him.

  • [-]
  • orclev87
  • 1 Points
  • 20:50:17, 11 November

It might also give a cultural reason as to why she doesn't directly say that she loves him back. But this is all just conjecture at this point.

  • [-]
  • jintana
  • 14 Points
  • 18:05:50, 11 November

That statement can mean "I think you're the one but I need time to get there" or it could mean "I plan to settle for you."

  • [-]
  • toasterchild
  • 6 Points
  • 19:10:06, 11 November

I will put out there that someone "looking for the one" a should be a bit of a red flag itself. If a person thinks there is one answer or perfect fit for them they will always be second guessing their decision.

You should choose a person to be your one, not loop through life hoping to find someone who is magically perfect.

  • [-]
  • Trolloc
  • 25 Points
  • 16:03:09, 11 November

I am no expert on relationships but this right.

A very risky gamble marrying a woman when she has it made it clear there is not much of an emotional connection.

  • [-]
  • premonition34
  • 44 Points
  • 15:54:07, 11 November

There's a lot about this girl that's a red flag but I don't think saying she won't find anyone better is something to be alarmed about...I'm with my husband because I know I would never be able to do better than him. He is top of the line as far as I'm concerned. She might not mean it the same way but "not being able to do better" isn't always a bad thing.

  • [-]
  • slater2j
  • 35 Points
  • 18:07:01, 11 November

My ex once said she could never do better than me,... but by golly she tried... :(

  • [-]
  • Foltbolt
  • 7 Points
  • 19:10:43, 11 November

> I'm with my husband because I know I would never be able to do better than him. He is top of the line as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, but I do hope sincerely you know this because you love him a great deal, not just because you are an actuary and did the math.

  • [-]
  • premonition34
  • 1 Points
  • 20:48:24, 11 November

Well, yeah.

  • [-]
  • DownWithADD
  • 4 Points
  • 18:12:19, 11 November

I agree and I think it's important to stress to OP that these red flags are a MUCH larger deal than her simply not saying "I love you", which is what OP seems to be focusing on.

Some people truly do feel differently about saying that phrase. For example, my brother mentioned in late highschool/early college that he was not planning to say "I Love You" until he was engaged to the girl he wanted to marry (I'm not sure why this was). The difference is, when his girlfriend would bring it up, he would explain honestly to her his feelings on saying it. And yes, it did cause some strife in the relationship. He has now been happily married to that girl for ~7 years.

The point being, some people do have odd views on the phrase. OP, please focus on the other red flags people are pointing out. Not saying three specific words is not the biggest issue here by far.

  • [-]
  • Blind_Sypher
  • 4 Points
  • 18:57:21, 11 November

Exactly, what shes looking for, as in; You got a house, a good job, and everyones supposed to settle down. Right?

  • [-]
  • jk147
  • 2 Points
  • 18:51:05, 11 November

My ex was so hung up on the marriage part that she was willing to ignore all of our issues to just to be married. We fought everyday but it didn't matter, because her friends are all married and parental pressure.

Thank God I did not go thru with it, we would have divorced for sure.

  • [-]
  • BooKaLooKa
  • 1 Points
  • 15:57:43, 11 November

You nailed the head on that one.

  • [-]
  • Zahne1977
  • 82 Points
  • 14:07:57, 11 November

You need to speak to her about this. I personally wouldn't be ready to marry anyone who couldn't reciprocate when I tell them that I love them.

  • [-]
  • gray-Inquisitor
  • 21 Points
  • 19:07:08, 11 November

while I 100% respect that opinion I would like to offer that not all culture associate love with marriage. If the girl is traditional enough to live at home with her parents at 29, she may be traditionally/culturally minded in other ways as well.

  • [-]
  • Zahne1977
  • 3 Points
  • 19:12:17, 11 November

I can agree with that. My statement should be qualified by the fact I'm Canadian, growing up in a fairly liberal environment.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 1 Points
  • 19:17:49, 11 November

I think this is possible. Although she is taking birth control pills.

  • [-]
  • kamikaze_puppy
  • 1 Points
  • 20:29:57, 11 November

Even though very true, it is clear OP wants a marriage based on love. So if she doesn't love him but is willing to tie the knot for practical reasons which can be completely acceptable in her culture, they are still starting a marriage with very different goals. Which can end up being very damaging.

  • [-]
  • unburrevable
  • 2 Points
  • 19:39:18, 11 November

The fact that this isn't at the top is awful. OP should communicate directly with the person he loves asking her why she didn't say it back rather than ask strangers on reddit. People asking for him to go into further detail on their relationship are silly. You're not going to get a better view of their relationship without being in it.

  • [-]
  • ayarton
  • 45 Points
  • 15:41:32, 11 November

Take it from a guy that went forward with a marriage like that. Do not do it. It will end badly for both of you. Stay where you are or move on but don't marry that woman.

  • [-]
  • BilboBawbag
  • 14 Points
  • 15:23:58, 11 November

I don't know why she'd be surprised by that after a year. And agreeing to marriage after she's basically said she doesn't love you? That's dodgy. I'd seriously and objectively re-assess this relationship.

  • [-]
  • yurtle33
  • 13 Points
  • 15:55:56, 11 November

Not to defend her (but I guess it's going to sound that way?) but maybe she just isn't good at expressing emotions. I know both men and women who just have a hard time conveying emotions. It's easier to talk about practical things as a way of expressing yourself. But again, I could be totally wrong here. Has she been lacking in the emotional department your entire relationship?

  • [-]
  • robeph
  • 10 Points
  • 14:40:18, 11 November

Just give her the chance to say it herself. Tell her your views on marriage, "Marriage is something I would want to work. Both people have to love each other and this needs to be something that will last. " and so on. This puts a ball in her court without the pressure of "do you love me" which forces an answer, yes or no, which can be difficult if she doesn't. Gauge reaction to the marriage response and you may find what you're looking for, you may find she even says it up front

Question, when she speaks to family does she say she loves them when she gets off the phone or leaving when in person? There could be tons of underlying reasons why the words themselves are a source of discomfort for her, even if she does love you.

  • [-]
  • hansSA
  • 29 Points
  • 14:30:17, 11 November

29... together for a year....willing to move in and get engaged....surprised by love? Interesting reaction. Does she have a sordid relationship past?

  • [-]
  • ice_nine459
  • 15 Points
  • 15:34:23, 11 November

I'm sorry to agree with everyone else but it seems very obvious that she see's you as someone dependable and worth being with but no real emotional connection. Of course we only know what you've told us so it'd be rude of us to assume this based on your conversations about love.

During your relationship with her did you feel that she loved you? You should be able to feel whether or not she loves you even if she's incapable of saying it. Different relationship but I think my dad has said he loves me maybe two or three times but I feel it every time I am with him. You know your relationship better than anyone. If you feel like she's being logical settling down because your a good match then I guarantee as soon as she finds someone she has a spark with then she will be gone fast. Even if she doesn't would you really want to be married to someone who you feel is going through the motions because you have a good job and they get to move on to new steps in life without working to find the right person?

Alot of people when in a relationship that they aren't unhappy in they feel they should move on to the next logical steps (marriage,house and kids) even though they don't feel the emotional connection they should. Moving forward in a relationship for no other reason than it's what you are supposed to do is where people get in trouble.

Ultimately it's up to you, if you feel like she loves you even though it's hard for her to say it and you aren't projecting your own feelings then there should be no reason but like I said as soon as she feels an emotional connection to someone she won't be able to control herself.

ps. It took you a year to say I love you the first time? I don't mean it disrespectful but I feel like I knew right away and had to resist the urge to say it too early let alone wait a whole year. If you were nervous to say I love you even if you felt it right away because you weren't sure if she felt the same way then that is a pretty good indication of whether or not she's right for you.

  • [-]
  • helpareddit
  • -5 Points
  • 17:03:22, 11 November

Love takes time.

  • [-]
  • PortiasCreed
  • 4 Points
  • 17:14:18, 11 November

Unless there's a significant reason like past abuse in a previous relationship, it doesn't take this much time.

  • [-]
  • helpareddit
  • -3 Points
  • 17:16:31, 11 November

And to me that is the reason why people see relationships as so disposable.

  • [-]
  • PortiasCreed
  • 2 Points
  • 17:19:15, 11 November

How so?

  • [-]
  • helpareddit
  • 1 Points
  • 20:35:19, 11 November

Love is a commitment to be there for someone forever despite knowing the person can hurt you. I just feel people walk into it so fast without understanding the gravity of its meaning.

  • [-]
  • IcarusGoodman
  • 1 Points
  • 20:34:30, 11 November

Love grows and changes over time, but in my opinion it has to start from the seed of that over-the-top infatuated love, which you either feel pretty quickly or you don't. It's not like you date for a year and then all of a sudden you get the butterflies.

Obviously the butterfly feelings mature as the relationship progresses and it becomes and even deeper more meaningful love, but it needs to be there at the start.

  • [-]
  • ACNL
  • 5 Points
  • 15:24:16, 11 November

Hey, this is a red flag. Take things slow and do not move in with her yet. Do not get engaged or anything like that. You have been seeing this girl for a year and so you know her pretty well. You will know when and if she is truly in love with you. You will know if she is just being logical or not. Trust your instincts and wait until this happens or move on. This is a very serious predicament and I do not want you to try to force things because you love her. I know you do, and I know it hurts, but love takes two. It really takes two so you take a breather. Stay strong bro.

  • [-]
  • flaman12
  • 21 Points
  • 14:05:30, 11 November

A little weird.

May not be as bad as it seems.. again she would marry you and live with you, which she didn't if she didn't want to be with you. Although you are sad, wouldn't press things much more.. perhaps let them simmer down.. give her a month or two then ask her again.. Maybe go on a romantic trip.. Asking her tomorrow won't get her to change her answer and you don't want the words to forced or just said for the sake of appeasing you

My advice: - Don't propose or move in with her for awhile.. see if she "falls in love with you"... you're young and don't need to rush into things... Don't want to be with someone who loves the idea of marriage and commitment more than you

Question: Has she "been in love" before?

  • [-]
  • ACNL
  • 37 Points
  • 15:32:35, 11 November

How is it a little weird? If someone you loved and dated for the past year was taken aback and shocked because you told them you loved them...wouldn't that raise questions for you? Then she has the gall to suggest moving in together and getting engaged. Wanting to get engaged and being shocked about someone loving you (at the same time)...it cannot get weirder than that.

  • [-]
  • flaman12
  • 4 Points
  • 15:36:48, 11 November

don't disagree.. reading more below and some of the updates.. it is a red flag. Some people move slower than others.. that said.. it seems like she is trying to convince herself she loves him.. she wants a certain life but he is just a mere detail in that... personally, i would want someone passionately in love with me

However, I also think sometimes saying "I love you too" right back is not always genuine... so I would give her a short period of time to see if this changes..

  • [-]
  • ACNL
  • 1 Points
  • 17:05:00, 11 November

Yeah definitely agree that giving her time is necessary

  • [-]
  • biggerpeanut
  • 4 Points
  • 17:42:19, 11 November

Who signs up for starting a loveless marriage?

I am so sorry that the chips have fallen this way. To be honest - a 29 year old that still can't figure out love after a year is troublesome. She seems to have an unhealthy emotional detachment. She is ready to commit to life without the emotions? Love is the easy part. It is good that you figured this out now. I would be vary, vary wary of progressing any further with this.

  • [-]
  • Diabadass89
  • 4 Points
  • 19:02:16, 11 November

So not marry her. I love my boyfriend of 6 years, I know so many women who don't love their SO but want to just get engaged. Don't move in with someone and share not only your feelings but your property with them. I may sound weird but I loved my boyfriend after a few months, a year to me is a long time to not know whether or not you love someone.

  • [-]
  • Diabadass89
  • 1 Points
  • 19:02:30, 11 November

Do*

  • [-]
  • Lordica
  • 7 Points
  • 15:33:54, 11 November

DO NOT get married until and unless you know she loves you as much as you love her. Unfortunately, it sounds as if she is using you as a stepping stone to get out of her parents home and into her own with minimal effort on her part. You deserve a partner who will cherish you and who you can cherish back. Don't wait until you are married with two kids the find this out, or for her to.

  • [-]
  • paroxyst
  • 3 Points
  • 16:10:03, 11 November

Like everyone else is saying, I would tread very carefully.

My first thoughts were 'gold digger' when I read that you just bought a house. I also don't think only one year is long enough to determine if you're a good marriage match, but everyone is different I guess.

I agree with everyone in that she's desperate to get out of her parents house and sees you as an easy way to do it.

Does she want kids? I was considering that her bio clock may be pressuring her to hurry up and have babies too.

That said, this doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. It is possible that she's scared of the L word or she hasn't gotten there yet but will later or maybe her parents are putting pressure on her to get married.

That's another point, why is she with her parents? Does she work? If she moves in with you will you be completely finanicially responsible?

  • [-]
  • moarPopTarts
  • 3 Points
  • 16:11:15, 11 November

Not defending her but some people may have trouble with the term "I love you." I can see people not like liking the expectations for using it and the conventional pressure. It possible to have non conventional views of marriage as well. It can be seen as business like step.

  • [-]
  • vc_
  • 3 Points
  • 17:19:35, 11 November

In her defense if you move forward and things don´t work you can´t blame it on her. She was honest and never said she loved you.

  • [-]
  • wiseoracle
  • 3 Points
  • 17:30:40, 11 November

Thinking about this more.. She may have said those things based on cultural reasons. I bet she's quite the reflection of her parents. My parents never show any affection or say "I Love You" and many Asian cultures are the same. I'm not sure what the ethnicity of your GF is.

I remember when I first dated a girl of the same race as myself and telling her I loved her. She asked why I did it, because most Chinese don't express themselves like that, but rather by action. She didn't mean any bad by not "reciprocating" the message back to me.

Like others have noted, have the conversation to clear things up before going any further.

  • [-]
  • gray-Inquisitor
  • 3 Points
  • 19:05:29, 11 November

I would like to point out that if she's traditional enough to stay at home with parents at 29 for cultural reasons, she may be traditional in terms of thoughts about marriage.

In western societies we pair 'marriage' with 'love' and for many people in many countries that isnt always the case. Many cultures put stable finances and the ability to function well together and rear a household as a bigger priority than 'love'. Because love can grow and happen as two people are married.

You have been together for a year, she obviously likes you. If shes as popular as you say she is, and is still with you +1year she probably likes you a lot. I mean, shes social, so she has exposure to lots of different kinds of people, shes 29, shes not going to waste her time if shes not interested and hasnt left you. There is a reason for that.

If she makes 50k/year she isnt after money. So I wouldn't worry about that. I would just keep a culturally minded view and try not to get too emotional. If she kind of echos my above and you feel like you love her than I don't see any reason to end the relation ship

TL;DR no I love you =/= I dont want to be with you/marry you in every culture

  • [-]
  • Foltbolt
  • 1 Points
  • 19:15:41, 11 November

> no I love you =/= I dont want to be with you/marry you in every culture

Yes, but the question is that whether he wants to marry someone who places "stable finances" above love.

  • [-]
  • smartcookie831
  • 4 Points
  • 16:42:02, 11 November

Wow, I know everyone is different, but no "I love you" from EITHER of you for a year? That's usually the kind of thing you start saying when you decide to be exclusive (i.e., it's the REASON!) You need to seriously put more thought behind this (and, maybe ask her if she loves you, since she hasn't said it?) Have you ever heard her express love to anyone? (family, friend...pet?)

  • [-]
  • jsjsatgmail
  • 2 Points
  • 16:46:56, 11 November

She once told me she loves her brother a lot after he did something nice for her. Her family doesn't use the word very often though. But none the less, my family doesn't either, but I still say it.

  • [-]
  • gray-Inquisitor
  • 4 Points
  • 19:12:45, 11 November

If the family doesnt typically use the word very often it may have a different meaning than the one you have. That does not mean the use or lack of it is good or bad. It just means theres a cultural difference

  • [-]
  • Chocomon
  • 5 Points
  • 17:30:08, 11 November

Wow this sound a lot like my boyfriend. He'd never ever use the word "love" unless I were to pressure him into saying it. He is a very rational person and his ways of to express his feelings towards me do sound pretty rational than romantic as well.

In his case it's also caused by cultural reasons. Saying "I love you" is at least traditionally not common at all, though younger people tend to say it in his country as well. You've mentioned that your gf is living with her parents for cultural reasons. Does she have a different cultural background?

In my case I really don't mind. In my past relationship the L-word was so overused it became meaningless. I've learned that it's something you can say even without having any real feelings anymore. So it's really not the best way to prove anything. I've learned to pay attention to all of the other ways my SO is showing me how much he cares.

  • [-]
  • stares_at_screens
  • 5 Points
  • 17:31:57, 11 November

> staying with her parents for culture reasons

I'm guessing her parents are from a culture where marriage is not done for love. It may even have arranged marriages.

So her idea of marriage may be very, very different from yours. I would be very careful about this if I were you. She and her family may start pushing very hard for marriage regardless of whether she loves you. She may not even know what romantic love feels like yet.

  • [-]
  • jsjsatgmail
  • 3 Points
  • 17:38:16, 11 November

Very good insight. But in this particular situation, she was born and raised in the United States. Her family is relatively liberal and forward thinking. I don't believe her not saying "I love you" back was due to cultural reasons.

  • [-]
  • stares_at_screens
  • 2 Points
  • 18:02:25, 11 November

I agree. I think her not saying "I love you" back is because she hasn't fallen in love with you.

But she may feel pressure to marry even if her family is liberal.

  • [-]
  • kaffeekosmos
  • 3 Points
  • 16:14:06, 11 November

maybe she's just bad at expressing feelings. Or maybe she just doesn't love you, no matter how hard she tries.

  • [-]
  • throwwout17
  • 2 Points
  • 17:06:27, 11 November

Honestly, you should just ask her why she didn't say it back.. same thing happened with my bf (though we haven't had big talks about the future) and he said just because he hasn't said it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it, emotions are just hard for him.. I'm not sure what to make of yout situation, she could just be trying to get out of her parents house and live up to their ideals, but this is not something anyone on the Internet will be able to determine really, the only way it'll become clearer is if you talk to her straightforwardly about it.. good luck!

  • [-]
  • hobartsez
  • 3 Points
  • 17:54:39, 11 November

I'm not surprised at all to hear she's living with her parents for "cultural" reasons, because the first thing that crossed my mind when reading this was, "I bet she's from a different cultural background in which it isn't appropriate to speak of love save to one's husband." They do exist, you know!

OP, before you go judging this girl, ask her what's up with her willingness to entertain the idea of marriage when she can't even say she loves you. You may discover that there's simply a major cultural disconnect at play keeping her from VOICING her love before you've made the ultimate commitment.

  • [-]
  • Miathermopolis
  • 2 Points
  • 18:54:59, 11 November

Please, do yourself a favor and do not marry this person.

I don't know that continuing a relationship is the smartest thing to do, either.

Do you really want to be with someone who sees you as a convenience and "the next step" instead of "the one I love most"?

Doing things because you're "supposed to do them" is a terrible reason to do anything.

Do not move in with her. Don't marry someone straight from living with their parents and then bring them over to you. You will be raising a dependent child.

Pressure from parents to marry=shitty reason to marry.

Ask yourself if you want to marry her, and move in with her, and answer honestly.

Listen to your gut, go with what is best for YOU. And you alone.

  • [-]
  • Bronxie
  • 2 Points
  • 19:44:35, 11 November

It almost sounds like a "friend-zone engagement", if there could be such a thing. Kinda like an arranged marriage, where maybe she'll fall in love with you later. Listen to your gut. Something missing here.

  • [-]
  • CaptCrunchbar
  • 2 Points
  • 19:45:09, 11 November

My wife did the same to me. She told me that if I asked her to marry me, she would definitely say yes. However, we hadn't told each other that we love each other yet. Later when I said it to her, she couldn't say it back. Her reasoning was that she didn't want it to be forced and she wanted it to come out naturally, which it did, about a week later.

Hopefully that gives you a more positive outlook on it. She may be just like my wife, unable to process what she's feeling about you. The marrying me was logical and easy to understand, the emotional reaction she had to me, she didn't know how to deal with.

edit: My recommendation is to not pressure her, don't confront her about it, until later. Go about as though things are normal and see what happens. Pressuring her is just going to make it more difficult for her and she also needs to know, no matter what she's going through, your feelings for her aren't going to change.

  • [-]
  • natadecoco1
  • 2 Points
  • 19:45:25, 11 November

Why are you asking Reddit and not your girlfriend? Why not ask her why she is willing to talk about marriage but not about love? We cannot read her mind. If you do love her and see a future with her, you need to be able to talk to her about it.

  • [-]
  • mechanicalbash
  • 2 Points
  • 19:46:00, 11 November

This sounds like a cultural thing. In a culture that engages in arranged marriages the FIRST order of business is to get married. Then, over time and if the couple is lucky, they learn to love each other.

Already you know she lives with her parents because of cultural reasons. Which leads me to believe that her culture is very important to her along with her family.

This has little to do with you, and more to do with a cultural difference :) I wouldn't take it personally.

Even though it's not a perfect example, in "The Namesake" the wife laughs at her husband after years of marriage and teases him saying, "Oh, you want me to say 'I love you,' like the Americans do! Hahaha." It's plain from her actions that she loves him, but in traditional Indian culture this is not something a husband and wife say to each other.

  • [-]
  • britlovetime
  • 2 Points
  • 20:05:45, 11 November

You've been together for a year and haven't said your 'I love yous'?? Maybe I'm just a weirdo but if I don't love the person I'm dating by the first few months then I don't see it working..

  • [-]
  • K-braithwaite
  • 2 Points
  • 20:07:07, 11 November

Aw man...I'm sorry to see this. I really hope she's just scared to admit feelings and coming up with excuses or something. If not...I don't see love on the horizon. Everything you've written indicates that she hasn't even considered love and, as your edit fears, is really only interested in marriage. I'm really sorry. You really need to talk to her about this...don't let her settle. If you aren't what she wants emotionally, but only what she want's marriage wise, that's just completely unfair to you. You deserve to have someone feel about you the way you do for her.

  • [-]
  • ShadowSkeet
  • 2 Points
  • 20:09:06, 11 November

To quote Admiral Ackbar - "It's a Trap!"

But seriously she just dropped a big red flag. I mean at best she seems to think that marriage will bring the love forward and at worst she's just looking for a someone to be a provider.

I'd call off any engagement/wedding plans if I were you. WAY too much risk here.

  • [-]
  • kampamaneetti
  • 2 Points
  • 20:10:22, 11 November

Wow that's harsh. I would definitely reconsider moving forward with this woman.

  • [-]
  • mykart
  • 5 Points
  • 15:49:06, 11 November

Emotional reasons for being in a relationship are no more reliable than logical reasons. Emotions are like the wind and they can change at the drop of a hat.

  • [-]
  • PortiasCreed
  • 2 Points
  • 17:17:29, 11 November

By that logic, no-one should have social relationships, romantic or otherwise, ever. No thanks.

  • [-]
  • mykart
  • 2 Points
  • 18:39:06, 11 November

Who said that all social and romantic relationships are devoid of logical purpose and reason? The answer: No one.

  • [-]
  • belladonnadiorama
  • 1 Points
  • 15:39:31, 11 November

Flat out ask her "Do you love me or are you just wanting to get married so you can get out of your parents' house?"

  • [-]
  • azwethinkweizm
  • 2 Points
  • 18:11:55, 11 November

Not a bad idea actually. At this point he doesn't really have anything to lose.

  • [-]
  • JustWordsInYourHead
  • 1 Points
  • 16:06:50, 11 November

Have you asked her why she's unable to express her emotional feelings for you?

  • [-]
  • Thundahcaxzd
  • 1 Points
  • 17:02:20, 11 November

if you think the birth control is really affecting her tell her to consider getting a copper IUD

  • [-]
  • jintana
  • 1 Points
  • 18:10:04, 11 November

The desire to convince yourself that a marriage CAN work (and do that convincing on a daily basis) is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than whether you feel love or obsession for a person right at that moment.

I see ambiguity in your situation. I could see a lady who needs space but knows she wants to be with you. I could also see a lady who is settling for you. I don't know which it is.

As for saying it back, please consider that to say "I love you" is a gift and not a solicitation.

Feel your sadness and confusion. They are your emotions and you need to deal with them. You can direct them but you need to experience them.

I began a relationship with my now husband based more on logic than raw emotion. It's been the best relationship of my life. By no means am I settling for him but I did not experience that obsessive shit like I did with a lot of the exes.

  • [-]
  • rockspeak
  • 1 Points
  • 18:17:57, 11 November

Marriage should be about commitment, as well as love, so logic should play a large part in that decision.

Maybe in her culture saying "love" isn't the same as in your culture? It could also be the opposite; the word "love is thrown around so easily these days that it loses meaning. "Ermergerd, I love this band! I love these shoes! I love that show! I love yogurt!!" Maybe the word doesn't mean anything to her, but in saying she's "falling" for you, she's expressing her emotions using different verbiage.

Your information about her wanting to move out of her parents sounds like she may be ready to "play house," without understanding the life and emotional commitment involved.

  • [-]
  • 123-45-6789
  • 1 Points
  • 18:49:09, 11 November

I feel weird having said "I love you" after about just two months with my current gf....

  • [-]
  • Crushinated
  • 1 Points
  • 19:57:13, 11 November

Maybe it's best not to read too much in to it... Some people just have weird hangups about saying "I love you"... But honestly, words are cheap. Does she SHOW you love? That's what matters.

  • [-]
  • pubbs
  • 1 Points
  • 19:57:23, 11 November

Some people are always very rational about relationships. Some people are always very emotional about it. And some people do the best they can with what they have until they finally meet someone that they have an overwhelming connection with, and suddenly they become aware of what they were missing. Some people never find that person.

The real question that I see here, is will she always be like this because it is a part of who she is, and despite her seeming lack of enthusiasm, this is all she could ever want and she will have a great life with you, or will she someday meet someone who she actually clicks with because, not having found the passion of love yet, she doesn't realize what is missing in her innocence.

The next question is, are you ok with that? How will you feel if she always discusses the relationship, not with feelings, but with an analysis of how happy it makes her that she is able to meet her life goals?

How you feel is how you feel, it isn't always reasonable, and it doesn't always make sense. And if what you want is someone who is passionate about you, and you don't have it, you are still going to want it and that can cause problems down the road. It is important to recognize and accept who you are and what you want, even if it isn't reasonable and rational, or expected.

Now that you are thinking about that, a few random thoughts. If she is still living with her parents, she might never have needed to forge her own identity separate from them. Her concept of self may still be contained in her role in the family and once free of them, she may suddenly gain a new level of self awareness and go through a transformation, or she may just trade one family for another, and not really take that step at all, where she has to define who she is and what she wants as an independent person. (possible mid life crisis/change of heart down the road)... also, everyone is different, this might not actually apply at all.

I am not too worried about the not finding anyone better comment, it's honest, and it's true. In some ways a cognitive decision like this could be much more stable in the long run than an emotional impulse (love) that we may or may not be fully understanding (easily confused with obsession and lust, or love of a relationship, not the person), or may be transitory. Then again, what if she is wrong? Will she honor her promises? Will she still be able to be happy? Sometimes the emotional obsession is what lets us overlook someone who actually IS better and stay true despite it.

Last. How much of your disappointment is your version of a Disney fairy tale? You grew up believing that things were supposed to happen a certain way... boy and girl fall in love, boy proposes, girl cries with joy, and now it doesn't look like you are on that path at all.

Take a moment to not worry if you are on the right path, and ask yourself if you like the path you are on.

  • [-]
  • BossManMcGee
  • 1 Points
  • 20:00:00, 11 November

I'm late to the game with my advice, but what I see here is someone who looks at marriage like its nothing too spectacular. I feel like more people these days because of celebrities look at marriage like it something that they can just get out of like it's nothing, instead of recognizing the commitment that it really is. To some, I feel it's a status symbol... "Kim Kardasion is married, so I should be too"... "If I don't like it I will just get it nulled"... We are living in a time where short term marriages are constantly being blabbed about on t.v. 10 million dollar wedding and they are only together for 3 months.

  • [-]
  • historymaking101
  • 1 Points
  • 20:00:29, 11 November

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owCtCy55S2k

Nobody is suggesting just asking her straight up if she loves you. Do that. Read her body language and everything. Obviously, don't propose just yet.

  • [-]
  • Rrrrrrr777
  • 1 Points
  • 20:09:23, 11 November

Love and emotions are probably the worst reason to get married. I'm not suggesting that OP should marry his girlfriend if he's not happy. Just that her reasons for wanting to aren't a problem in and of themselves. Logic is the only way to make good decisions. Marrying for love is what causes 50% of couples to get divorced.

  • [-]
  • KridaMcNinja
  • 1 Points
  • 20:14:42, 11 November

I am going to take a different approach then most here, as what you wrote speaks to me in a different matter. It doesn't sound like she doesn't care for you. I do not think she is just wanting marriage, to move out, without you there. She may just have a hard time relating to the word love and what it means.

Some people her it too much that it looses meaning, others it has been used in a bad way (sexual abuse, physical or emotional abuse) and "I love you" has become very tainted to them. Do you know a lot about her past? Is it not culturally acceptable to say that type of thing? It also may be her perception of love, is getting married, moving in, and the whole 9 yards, and that was her way of saying it back to you with more meaning?

If all her reasons seem logical, that may just be how she bases decisions and "love" off. My SO originally said he wanted to move in together for convenience. I had a hard time with this, as I felt hurt and had a more emotional (because I love you) approach. It's not that he didn't want to move in, or only did because it would be easier for him.. I was the major factor in him making that decision. He just didn't think to voice that part out loud, rather then the logical reasons which also went into play in making a statement like that.

She may just have a hard time expressing herself, and she sounds like she thinks out all aspects of something before making a choice about it, which can work well with your emotional way of making decisions.

I'm very emotional, boyfriend is very logical and scientific. We balance each other out nicely.

  • [-]
  • PetiePal
  • 1 Points
  • 20:28:22, 11 November

If she didn't say I love you back, and you guys haven't exchanged those yet...YOU guys as a couple aren't ready for engagement, let alone her.

"Falling in a way" means she's still detached/at arms length for whatever reason. A woman who loves you, is literally COUNTING DOWN THE SECONDS until you say it to say it back to you.

It's my experience that birth control DOES make a woman a bit more erratic. They've already got hormones going all over the place because of their cycle, it actually amplified their emotions in my prior gfs.

  • [-]
  • wraith313
  • 1 Points
  • 20:29:57, 11 November

I would move on man, unfortunately. She sounds like a fly-by-night girl (not in a perverted way). From the sound of it she sounds like she would dump you the second something better came along.

Also: who the fuck gets married without "falling that way" first.

  • [-]
  • Meli_xo
  • 1 Points
  • 20:33:34, 11 November

:( I couldn't be with a person like that

  • [-]
  • throwaway2948201
  • 1 Points
  • 20:35:07, 11 November

In another comment, you seem to imply that she is from an arranged marriage-culture. As a 21-year-old woman born and raised in the United States with parents from an arranged marriage culture (South Asian Hindus), I may have some insight into her thoughts for you. My advice is lacking, though, so hopefully another redditor can step in.

When it comes to me dating, my parents are reasonably liberal with only a few rules. However, there is ONE "understanding" that seems to apply to your situation: if I do not have any serious romantic prospects by the time I turn 30, then my family will step in and start introducing me to a whole range of boys they find "suitable" with the hopes that one of them will click. (edit: Just wanted to emphasize that this is a somewhat common understanding for South Asian families in the United States.) Mind you, they're just INTRODUCING boys I might be interested in--they're not forcing me to marry one of them.

Obviously, if you've spent your entire life keeping your lovelife secret from your parents, this is something that gets uncomfortable fast. Less obviously, if you were born and raised in the West, then you grew up in a culture where anything that sounds even vaguely like an arranged marriage is something Terrible That Must Be Avoided/Clearly Going To Be Loveless And Miserable. My older sister knows someone who took this to an extreme; when she hit 29, she started freaking out and trying to get a ring from SOMEBODY that SHE "picked." No matter how much her close South Asian friends tried to talk to her, telling her that she shouldn't try to rush into a marriage, that she could just tell her parents to wait another couple years, that even if her parents refused to wait they would still only introduce her to boys alongside her regular dating, that she'd basically be introduced to potential "boyfriends" not a forced husband, etc. But she wouldn't have any of it. She had it in her head that:

  1. the only way to have a fulfilling marriage was to have a Western "love" marriage;
  2. if she wasn't married by 30 (arranged OR "love" marriage), no one would love her and she'd never have healthy children;
  3. her Western friends would think she was backwards or desperate because she got an arranged marriage and she'd either lose her relationships with them or they would not treat her marriage seriously;
  4. her South Asian friends who managed to have love marriages would think she was backwards or desperate, and would not treat her marriage seriously.

She had previously been dating a white guy for half a year. He was head over heels for her, whereas she was simply "fond" and "very sure that they were compatible for the long-term." When he proposed, she told him how she felt but he still wanted to marry her. They got engaged, then married a year and a half later, just before she turned 31. (Long engagement to buy time to continue dating peacefully, perhaps?)

So. Have you tried talking to your girlfriend about these issues in particular? Is she also laboring under a "you're almost 30 now we're going to step in" rule from her parents? Does she maybe think similarly to my sister's friend--that she HAS to be married by a certain age so it may as well be you?

Btw. By some bizarre (and unlikely ಠ_ಠ) twist of fate, my sister's friend's story has a surprisingly happy ending. Her family loved him when they met him and thought he was the perfect man for her--great guy, super compassionate, well-educated, courteous, extremely family-oriented. It's now been five years since the pair got married (so they were together for 7), and so far, so good. They're now deeply in love, and while the wife is embarrassed by how "stupid" she was (her words), she says she doesn't regret being married to her husband for her second. They have two kids under 5 years old and somehow they make each other laugh all the time.

  • [-]
  • jmil23
  • 1 Points
  • 20:43:32, 11 November

She's clearly settling for you so I think the question is are you willing to settle for someone who doesn't love you??

  • [-]
  • STylerMLmusic
  • 1 Points
  • 20:44:32, 11 November

Run dude, run fast, and run far.

  • [-]
  • Dildo_Saggins
  • 1 Points
  • 20:48:09, 11 November

Regarding your edit, OP:

Get the fuck out. Now.

  • [-]
  • Overlord1317
  • 1 Points
  • 20:51:25, 11 November

You already know the truth. You just want people to make you acknowledge it and/or explain it away.

  • [-]
  • thejackoff
  • 1 Points
  • 16:22:54, 11 November

Get out of there asap. You can definitely find someone better and she doesn't want to reciprocate emotionally. You're just a ticket for a quick way for her to leave her parents house.

  • [-]
  • killerhmd
  • 0 Points
  • 17:20:51, 11 November

29 years old and she's still afraid of saying "I love you"? This girl should grow up.

  • [-]
  • fractalfarmer
  • 3 Points
  • 17:40:47, 11 November

Or maybe she doesn't love him.

  • [-]
  • killerhmd
  • 2 Points
  • 17:49:49, 11 November

Either way she's old enough to speak the truth with no teenagers fears.

  • [-]
  • flaman12
  • 1 Points
  • 17:00:11, 11 November

"She did mention that she is getting older and wants to move forward. She also mentioned her parents are slightly pressuring her."

seems like she feels societal pressure or age pressure.. she has the wrong reasons to want to be married right now.

Only you can decide to end things or not.. but the consensus here is pretty universal.. do NOT move forward with her right now.

  • [-]
  • panic_bread
  • 2 Points
  • 17:28:34, 11 November

She is not ready to be married. She thinks she is, but doesn't know what love means.

  • [-]
  • EagerSlothWrangler
  • -2 Points
  • 14:55:24, 11 November

There are many different ways to experience relationships. Perhaps your girlfriend is demisexual or aromantic or otherwise feels that the words "I love you" wouldn't be understood by you in the same way she would mean them.

The only way to find out why she didn't reciprocate a direct expression of love but have expressed an interest in commitment is to ask her.

Just don't carry in assumptions our negativity.

Start with and stay with yourself, and ask genuine questions, same listen to the answers. Bite your tongue and don't interrupt or respond until you've say with whatever she says for longer than us comfortable.

  • [-]
  • BilboBawbag
  • 2 Points
  • 15:21:58, 11 November

>demisexual

Lol.

  • [-]
  • Teranek
  • 0 Points
  • 15:43:28, 11 November

She's no good, she can't even say the magic word!

  • [-]
  • kicktothefinish
  • -8 Points
  • 16:32:02, 11 November

She's 29... All 29 year old women are ready to get engaged.

  • [-]
  • vc_
  • 0 Points
  • 16:57:55, 11 November

So she's surprised and shocked by you saying "I love you" but she's ready for you to ask her to move in and get married... That doesn't quite add up.

  • [-]
  • LazyG
  • -6 Points
  • 14:05:02, 11 November

Look, in some cases if you say it back as a reply it loses meaning as it feels like you are only saying it as it was said to you. Maybe she wants to say it first in a time when you know it is because she wants to?

Anyway, we tend to obsess over the words when they are not the crucial bit, the feeling is. If she wants to marry you, I can;t imagine she doesn;t love you, and after a year you should have an idea how she feels from her actions.

  • [-]
  • flaman12
  • 5 Points
  • 14:19:39, 11 November

true, but (as I said below).. some people like the idea and concept of marriage, and try to convince themselves that it will work.

  • [-]
  • jsjsatgmail
  • 7 Points
  • 14:37:24, 11 November

This is exactly what I'm afraid of to be honest. What made me most sad is that the reasons she said for wanting to get engaged were not emotional at all. She lives with her parents at the moment, and said she's ready to move out and experience having her own place (I just bought a new house). She also said "I know I'm not going to find anyone better than you and you're what I'm looking for". Although these are nice sentiments, I don't find them to be emotional at all; they're very logical reasons.

Whereas my responses to her were: "I wouldn't want to share my house with anyone but you", "You make me so happy", "I want to give you everything", etc (emotional reasons, not logical ones).

  • [-]
  • flaman12
  • 5 Points
  • 15:29:16, 11 November

yeah, those answers seem like she sees you as a vehicle to move out.. not her only reason for sure, but a red flag, when you paint it that way

Do not let her move in now.. Let her"fall in love". Your brief description raises the specter that she is someone who wants a certain life and you are "good enough" for it...

You seem to want to be with and live with your true love.. which makes sense and you should want that..

  • [-]
  • JudgeWhoAllowsStuff
  • 1 Points
  • 16:10:58, 11 November

But she didn't respond with excitement/enthusiasm/happiness - she was taken aback by the fact that he loved her. That's not "Oh I love you too but I don't want it to sound like an obligatory response.."

  • [-]
  • jmikolash
  • -4 Points
  • 17:57:28, 11 November

If your love is truly unconditional, then her response shouldn't bother you.