[Update] I have been waiting 4 years to divorce my wife, but now she is dependent on me. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

235 ups - 57 downs = 178 votes

First of all I want to thank all of you guys for letting me share my story. Seriously, just typing this all up made me feel much better and your responses all were nice to see.

So not much really happened I just wanted to share what happened I talked to my wife about our future.

I told my wife, that I am still planning on getting a divorce after our daughter leaves. She starts trying to guilt trip me, telling me that I need to forgive her and work towards building our relationship. She tells me that for the past 4 years she has been trying and I haven't been receptive. I told her that she was also the one that destroyed it in the first place so she isn't really doing anything noble.

I told her that I forgive her, but that doesn't make me love her again. I told her that the only reason I have any care for her is because she is the mother of my children. I told her that I'll make sure she is taken care of. Wife kept refusing telling me that we can make our marriage work, we can go to counseling again. I told her that my decision is final.

We talked about talking to our kids about the infidelity. We won't go into details on who the other man was, but that they are old enough to understand why we are splitting up. Our son is coming back for Thanksgiving break and hopefully then we can discuss it together as a family.

We also talked about future arrangements, we talked about selling the house. Wife didn't want to do that, but I told her that there is no point in having a big house if she is going to be the only one living it. She stated that this was our family's house and she doesn't want to give that up. We talked about physical therapy and what independence she might have in the future. I asked her if ___ (the guy she cheated on me with) would be interested in taking care of her. She got really mad at me yelled, and then we went to bed.

I don't know just after reading the post and writing this I am in a good mood. There are some other things I didn't mention in the previous thread. First of all I do have somewhat of a plan after I divorce my wife. There is this woman I met through my work, she works at a Satellite office in the U.K. I plan on meeting with her soon after the divorce. I met her about 8 months ago or so.

We don't share sexual conversations we just talk online mainly and I confide to her about my marriage. I don't know if we are going to form a relationship, she is much younger than me, doesn't have nearly any of the baggage I have, but she has been receptive when it comes to talking to me. So that's something I have to look forward to.

Thanks again guys. I will probably post another update after Thanksgiving.

107 comments submitted at 16:59:18 on Nov 11, 2013 by throwaway2134241

  • [-]
  • barnesandnobles
  • 184 Points
  • 17:14:14, 11 November

Get a good lawyer. Your wife sounds like she's not gonna take the divorce well.

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 44 Points
  • 17:20:27, 11 November

She has been trying to get me to put it off consistently now. I know some people get through their divorces in a couple of months but I think mine might be prolonged. I'd hope we could just reach an agreement through mediation, but she doesn't want me to leave.

  • [-]
  • ironamous
  • 9 Points
  • 20:49:43, 11 November

I'd create a journal. And start documenting everything. Even in the past. All the actions you took. Reasons for them, etc. You've done the right thing the whole time.

  • [-]
  • DrLeoMarvin
  • 4 Points
  • 20:55:29, 11 November

18 months deep in mine and still married to her. Get a lawyer, I made a big mistake not lawyering up immediately.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • 20 Points
  • 19:02:37, 11 November

So, here's a question.

If you got divorced and tried to make something happen with this other lady, and then she totally turned around and was like "I'm not interested in you at all, I never want to talk to you again," would it be worth it?

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 48 Points
  • 20:17:30, 11 November

I don't think we will have a relationship in all honesty. I'd rather live alone than live with my wife if that makes sense.

  • [-]
  • elimeny
  • 18 Points
  • 20:33:56, 11 November

Yes, this makes a lot of sense. You will likely want to be alone and enjoy your independence for awhile.

  • [-]
  • TokisCodpieceBZZZ
  • 6 Points
  • 21:14:10, 11 November

I agree. Even if this woman wants a relationship, OP should take a couple of months to be himself.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • -1 Points
  • 20:58:58, 11 November

I agree.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • 4 Points
  • 20:56:39, 11 November

That makes absolute sense; more power to you.

Good luck, man. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

  • [-]
  • maestroni
  • 20 Points
  • 19:18:45, 11 November

There are 3.5 billion women out there. I'm sure he can find someone else.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • 10 Points
  • 19:31:34, 11 November

I know.

What I was trying to ask, I guess, is whether or not this imagined future with this other woman is one of the major motivations behind him wanting a divorce.

I'm not saying he shouldn't get divorced, at all.

  • [-]
  • donotdonot
  • 8 Points
  • 20:27:58, 11 November

Did you read the other post? He has been planning to divorce since his wife cheated. He doesn't love his wife. He has been in a sexless relationship with a woman he doesn't like all that much for 4 years. I'm pretty sure this other woman isn't much of a factor.

  • [-]
  • greeleyborn
  • 1 Points
  • 20:03:07, 11 November

Are you kidding me? Are you saying if you got cheated on you wouldn't want out of the relationship. This guy is twice the man i am for staying worth her this long. I would have left the Bitch the moment i found out

  • [-]
  • elimeny
  • 20 Points
  • 20:09:33, 11 November

It's actually a very valid question. Huff and puff all you want, but it is much easier to walk away from a relationship if you have another one potentially waiting for you. Sometimes it prevents people from seeing things clearly.

In this instance, we only hear what the OP tells us. It's not mean or cruel or tolling to suggest OP ask himself an introspective question.

  • [-]
  • donotdonot
  • 5 Points
  • 20:29:21, 11 November

He hasn't been in a relationship with his wife for the past 4 years since she has cheated on him. The marriage is a farce and a show for the kids. Other woman is irrelevant.

  • [-]
  • elimeny
  • 5 Points
  • 20:32:36, 11 November

For the most part, I agree. It doesn't hurt for him to think about it carefully though.

  • [-]
  • count_toastcula
  • 3 Points
  • 20:16:14, 11 November

If you're willing to walk out of a relationship to try and get into a new one, it's probably best you leave that relationship regardless of how well the new one works out.

  • [-]
  • elimeny
  • 7 Points
  • 20:30:57, 11 November

First off, I don't think this really applies to OP's scenario - a serious breach of trust occurred that may never be recovered. Especially if he has genuinely felt this way for four years, which is quite possible, and the other woman is someone he has only spoken to for 8 months. However, I see a lot of people insist they've wanted a divorce for, like, ever and want random internet strangers to cheer them on as they dump their spouses... only for it to become grudgingly clear, later on, that oh btw I met this really great person... When times are tough in your current relationship, it's easy to think that something shiny and new will be wonderful! Lots of hopeful opportunity. A lot of the time though, it's just another way to run away from your problems.

If your way of handling the challenge of one relationship is to simply ditch it and run into another one, you aren't learning to resolve disagreements or fix problems. People do this all the time when they are too immature to realize that relationships actually require this thing called work - I've done this, and had others do it to me, so I'm not trying to demonize anyone. And honestly, that's fine when you're younger, when you're dating people. In marriage, it's a cop-out.

Sorry for the tangent - again, I don't think this really applies here, but your statement hit a sore point. I do believe OP is justified in his desire for a divorce - I'm divorced, and my husband cheated on me. I'm not trying to cast stones.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • 2 Points
  • 21:01:06, 11 November

Not a tangent at all.

Very relevant and even-keeled.

  • [-]
  • count_toastcula
  • 2 Points
  • 21:12:22, 11 November

>If your way of handling the challenge of one relationship is to simply ditch it and run into another one, you aren't learning to resolve disagreements or fix problems. People do this all the time when they are too immature to realize that relationships actually require this thing called work - I've done this, and had others do it to me, so I'm not trying to demonize anyone. And honestly, that's fine when you're younger, when you're dating people. In marriage, it's a cop-out.

I see your angle, and I understand that relationships take work, but I'm of the opinion that if you start feeling like you would genuinely much rather be with person X than with your spouse, you probably married the wrong person, and even if you get involved with person X and it falls apart, you're still better off out of the relationship. You shouldn't marry someone until you're absolutely sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them, regardless of who else comes along.

  • [-]
  • arkandy7
  • 4 Points
  • 20:11:04, 11 November

Re-read the comment you replied to. He's not saying that at all.

  • [-]
  • AbeFrollman
  • 1 Points
  • 20:55:55, 11 November

I'm not saying that at all, fellas.

We don't disagree that it's a good idea to get divorced in this situation.

  • [-]
  • greeleyborn
  • 1 Points
  • 22:38:58, 11 November

Then why question his motives now that he had some one to vent to?

  • [-]
  • rushinb
  • 48 Points
  • 19:19:56, 11 November

I think it's hilarious that you asked if the guy that she cheated on you with would take care of her. Good for you OP, I hope everything goes well, looking forward to the update.

  • [-]
  • vulgarman1
  • 5 Points
  • 21:48:03, 11 November

Yeah, that is a great question.

So, uhh, what about that other guy huh? You think he'll take you back or what?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 31 Points
  • 17:08:02, 11 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 30 Points
  • 17:19:25, 11 November

I have talked to a lawyer I have a decent idea of what's going to be happening to me financially. But in all reality, I don't care much about money at this point. I am really just excited to be starting off fresh and not having to wake up next to her anymore.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 5 Points
  • 17:20:16, 11 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 17 Points
  • 17:21:29, 11 November

I am not sleeping with her, we are sleeping in the same bed but there is no intimacy. We only do it to save face with the kids.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 0 Points
  • 17:23:57, 11 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 69 Points
  • 17:32:53, 11 November

Look, regardless of what happens my kids are 50% her. Telling them that she is a bad person, only hurts their own self esteem because that's their mom. Now they are older I'll tell them the truth but even then I'll be cautious with my language.

  • [-]
  • Zack_Effin_Wiley
  • 25 Points
  • 18:39:28, 11 November

I think that's a great call. As your kids grow up, they'll respect you more for being an adult throughout this.

I had a friend who went through a nasty, nasty divorce. His ex got the kids and more or less brainwashed them to believe he was a raging alcoholic (he has 1-2 beers a week, but his ex thinks any alcohol use is "alcoholism" and actually demanded he go to AA) while conveniently ignoring the fact that the break up happened because she slept with their youth pastor. He almost never got to see his kids, and they hated him for a long time (they were all <10 at the time). He never said anything bad about their mom to them, though. He just tried his best to enjoy their company and make good memories.

When they started to become high school and college age, though, they slowly realized that their mom was nuts the whole time and their dad was the good guy. They really love their dad now, and admire him for choosing honesty and respect over trying to win them over with lies and insults about their mom.

  • [-]
  • senatorskeletor
  • 12 Points
  • 19:29:14, 11 November

>Telling them that she is a bad person, only hurts their own self esteem because that's their mom. Now they are older I'll tell them the truth but even then I'll be cautious with my language.

My parents bitched about each other to me after they divorced, and it was awful. I resented the parent who was talking shit as much as the parent who committed whatever wrong they were talking about.

There is nothing important you can tell your kids about their mother that they won't figure out for themselves.

  • [-]
  • Star_Kicker
  • 29 Points
  • 18:21:54, 11 November

You sir are the definition of a gentleman. Hats off to you. I could not and would not be so rational if I were in your shoes.

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 9 Points
  • 20:35:12, 11 November

I think it's a matter of age really. When I was younger I too had a lot of self pride but now I tend to look at actions not more so on the principle behind them but the cause and effect.

  • [-]
  • santa_cloud
  • 3 Points
  • 21:27:14, 11 November

Also the fact that you have had 4 years to think about it

  • [-]
  • MrTinkels
  • 6 Points
  • 19:53:19, 11 November

If you're ever in NW Florida, let me know. I'm buying you a fucking beer.

  • [-]
  • arkandy7
  • 4 Points
  • 20:15:59, 11 November

Bravo. My parents had conflicts when we were children (not cheating but fundamental problems) and they both refused to bad mouth the other person to the kids, and I'm glad. They realize that our relationship with the other parent is not their relationship, and even though they had problems we still love them as our parents.

  • [-]
  • Punicagranatum
  • 3 Points
  • 20:25:22, 11 November

Such a refreshing attitude. You're right on the money, good for you.

  • [-]
  • delrio_gw
  • 3 Points
  • 21:40:01, 11 November

My parents split when I was an adult - my dad cheated.

Because of how he behaved I have very little respect for him and don't really have anything to do with him. My mum finds this hard because he's my dad and she doesn't want me to feel this way.

My point is, be prepared for the fact that just because YOU don't put blame on her, your kids might. Let them work through it if they do. Your insistence on not bad mouthing is brilliant but they WILL form their own opinions.

  • [-]
  • Throwaway76845
  • 5 Points
  • 17:56:46, 11 November

Good luck for the next couple of months, they might be rough. I'm guessing leaving your crippled wife won't sound good to people who don't listen to your side and story. A lot of people will tell you that you're an asshole using an old story to not have to deal with her.

But that will only be one part of your life, you'll be much free-er after that, I hope you'll enjoy it.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 5 Points
  • 17:59:24, 11 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Throwaway76845
  • 3 Points
  • 18:37:56, 11 November

Kids

  • [-]
  • jung_collective
  • 13 Points
  • 17:09:27, 11 November

Wow, way to follow through and stick to your word. You are my role model. Please update again!

  • [-]
  • Johnny_Lawless_Esq
  • 49 Points
  • 17:22:33, 11 November

It's just beginning. She feels, in spite of her actions, entitled to you. This is going to sound redpillish, but despite my distaste for that crowd, they aren't wrong. She feels entitled to you, and wants to use sex to get what she wants from you, but now that you no longer want her, she doesn't have that control anymore, and doesn't know what to do.

Find a lawyer who specialises in divorce from the male side, and prepare for a fucking, because if she can't fuck you in bed to get what she wants from you, she'll probably try to fuck you in court. Given the length of your marriage, alimony is a real possibility, even probability.

I hope I'm wrong, but you really need to prepared for the worst case.

  • [-]
  • calendaronmymonitor
  • 21 Points
  • 17:57:41, 11 November

In OP's original post, I think he has been refusing intimacy for 4 years. Even after marriage counseling urged intimacy.

  • [-]
  • Johnny_Lawless_Esq
  • 10 Points
  • 18:25:43, 11 November

It is generally considered good practice to read the post to which you intend to respond before you respond to it.

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 21 Points
  • 17:24:50, 11 November

As I said earlier, I don't care for much for money I will help her financially. If I didn't than my kids would feel compelled to do it and that is the last thing I want.

  • [-]
  • BaphometricSystem
  • 25 Points
  • 17:53:26, 11 November

If you don't care much for money, you should spend it on the lawyer.

There are generally few checks-and-balances in the family courts, relying of the fair-mindedness of the participants to arrive at a reasonable and equitable outcome. You can imagine how well that works.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 13 Points
  • 18:31:03, 11 November

You can support her without being court-ordered to do so, and that's what you should be aiming for.
Don't trust her to be reasonable and don't trust the court to be reasonable. Without a good lawyer, there's a good chance you'll pay a lot of alimony and won't be able to live your life like you have.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 30 Points
  • 17:40:33, 11 November

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 10 Points
  • 20:37:16, 11 November

I don't think my wife is going to try to rip me off hard or anything like that. We both lived frugally, the extra money I save up I plan on giving it to my kids after they get married so they can purchase a house. If she does take more out of me than that's going to be more she will give on her end to our children.

  • [-]
  • Ausei
  • 12 Points
  • 20:51:41, 11 November

My aunt and uncle lived frugally and after the breakup my aunt is gouging him for money just to spite him. Help her, but not too much.

  • [-]
  • 8bie
  • 5 Points
  • 21:34:16, 11 November

I can't agree with this more - my mom did the same thing after my parents split, and she ended up having to pay so much in legal fees to keep up her fight that both my parents were completely broke by the end of the process. They also completely used up my college fund in the same fight.

TL;DR: People do irrational things when they're angry.

  • [-]
  • Whirlingdurvish
  • 9 Points
  • 21:55:18, 11 November

You should unload the money you have saved into a trust fund for your kids prior to any divorce. Otherwise that money is up for grabs. Protect your assets so they go where you intend them to go.

  • [-]
  • daringconfection
  • 1 Points
  • 23:10:22, 11 November

Not personally been married or through a divorce, but this seems very sensible. Make sure that it is securely locked away. Upvoted for visibility

  • [-]
  • Horst665
  • 8 Points
  • 21:15:36, 11 November

Dude, wait a second! Your good will is great and your humble spirit as well. But: Let the court decide how much you have to pay and then decide how much you want to put on top. If you agree for a number in or before court, the only way this number will ever change is up. Keep your mouth shut, let your lawyer do the talking - the lawyers and the court shall find out what is a just amount! - and when everything is settled, you can have a look at your wallet and then decide how generous you want to be.

  • [-]
  • radamanthine
  • 4 Points
  • 21:09:53, 11 November

Dude. We're talking "you might not have enough to pay rent" level fucking. It happens. Frequently.

  • [-]
  • DrDerpberg
  • 1 Points
  • 23:13:38, 11 November

And then if OP takes a pay cut he gets to go to debtor's prison, not exactly helping his future ability to pay.

  • [-]
  • Stonna
  • 1 Points
  • 23:11:08, 11 November

If Alimony, I say don't give her shit. But its your money

  • [-]
  • DrDerpberg
  • 1 Points
  • 23:12:03, 11 November

Even if you don't think she would try anything dirty, her lawyer will try to push her to. Prepare for the worst. You never know when a domestic violence accusation, claim of promises to take care of her, or stuff you've never even heard of being used to drag things out and make you suffer.

  • [-]
  • Johnny_Lawless_Esq
  • 7 Points
  • 17:51:24, 11 November

That's fine; it's your perogative, and you're a better man than I. But make sure it's on YOUR terms.

Like I said, I'd like to be wrong about what I said.

EDIT: All the same, it'd be better for both you and her if your financial help to her came in the form of terms of a divorce agreement. Family court judges and especially wife-side divorce lawyers love to laugh at pre-divorce "handshake" agreements, and tend to use them as leverage to pry more alimony out of you. Best to help her under the aegis of a legally-enforceable contract. Again, help her, but do it on your terms, in a legally binding way, or you leave yourself open to a fucking of biblical proportions.

  • [-]
  • Intotheopen
  • 1 Points
  • 20:57:36, 11 November

Be reasonable, but don't roll over on this one.

  • [-]
  • rebelreligion
  • 6 Points
  • 20:06:05, 11 November

OP, I waited too long too and it cost me dearly. Your kids are old enough to hear the truth. Not telling them is not protecting them and definitely not you, OP. Either your wife tells them or you could. Ask her if she will explain to your/her family and your kids what went wrong. Your seething hatred of her (and her former lover?) is hurting you and your kids. Get it out in the open, into the light and maybe others can help or help you start over. You have wallowed enough, get up, get out or make up with her. I hope you move out and on but not unless you are willing to tell what is true about your life which involves what happened. If she gets mad that's too bad, but speak your truth.

  • [-]
  • GroupDrink
  • 4 Points
  • 21:55:14, 11 November

I admire you being up front with her because human decency, but financially this was probably not the best decision. Now she's lost the hope of trying to repair it and may go into vindictive mode, and since you haven't filed yet, you're in a weaker position than you may want to be. I know you say you don't care about the money, and that's really magnanimous of you. BUT, you may want to take into account that you might not feel that way once you haven't been living with her for a while, you find out she's talking shit on you to your kids, and you're still sending checks that she spends on her new unemployed boyfriend. You sound like a good dude. Don't let current nice-guy you screw over future you, because the courts won't care how rosy-colored your idea of what the situation would be was when you made these decisions.

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 0 Points
  • 22:05:15, 11 November

I understand the situation, don't worry. Look if she does take more out of me that's going to happen. I will try to be fair and reasonable when we go for mediation. We have both been frugal thus far, if she does spend money on another guy than that's less money that could have gone to our children and she will have to live with that.

  • [-]
  • GroupDrink
  • 3 Points
  • 22:14:31, 11 November

Best of luck man, especially with the reactions of your kids. If they're ever hating on you, I hope one of their friends shows them these threads, because you come across like a really good person who's just trying to figure out a terrible situation. I hope I'm as zen as you if my wife ever cheats on me. I'm sorry all of this went down in your life, and I really wish you happiness in the future.

  • [-]
  • DivineVodka
  • 9 Points
  • 17:31:23, 11 November

Thank you for the update! Your wife does sound horrible ( I don't mean that to be offensive doubt you would take offense either way) but she's incredibly selfish.

I wish you the best with your new gal!

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 22 Points
  • 17:36:42, 11 November

Thanks haha I agree completely. She was a bad wife, but she still was a good mother to my children.

  • [-]
  • DivineVodka
  • 4 Points
  • 17:41:24, 11 November

That's some nice quality I guess :).

  • [-]
  • SIR_FURT_WIGGLEPANTS
  • 2 Points
  • 20:46:50, 11 November

Do you have a link to the original thread?

  • [-]
  • throwaway2134241
  • 3 Points
  • 20:48:55, 11 November

just click on my username

  • [-]
  • bitbucket87
  • -1 Points
  • 20:20:21, 11 November

> a good mother to my children.

Sorry but no. A good parent would not jeopardize the stability of the family by doing what she did.

  • [-]
  • ArniePalmys
  • -8 Points
  • 19:23:20, 11 November

Oh man. You make me feel so glad my ex-girlfriend of 5 years left. I think I would have been in the same situation if she had stayed and we'd been married.

P.S. Go slay that younger woman. Nothing like taking down another woman when you're mad at another.

  • [-]
  • EricTheHalibut
  • 3 Points
  • 21:47:00, 11 November

>First of all I do have somewhat of a plan after I divorce my wife. There is this woman I met through my work, she works at a Satellite office in the U.K. I plan on meeting with her soon after the divorce. I met her about 8 months ago or so.

Be careful about that: family court judges often have a lot of discretion, and you really don't want to give them any more excuses to screw you over.

  • [-]
  • undostrescuatro
  • 2 Points
  • 22:00:38, 11 November

your life is the best soup opera ive read recently please keep us posted.

i know it sounds morbid. but i have no advice to give and i think other redditors are giving good advice.

  • [-]
  • Ave_Imperator555
  • 2 Points
  • 22:09:16, 11 November

Do not start ANY kind of romantic relationship until after the divorce is finalized.

  • [-]
  • menageafoie
  • 3 Points
  • 19:47:02, 11 November

Last thing you need is a "lady friend". Straighten yourself out first!

  • [-]
  • somanyrupees
  • 4 Points
  • 20:58:51, 11 November

Sounds like he's had 4 years to straighten himself out.

  • [-]
  • vulgarman1
  • 2 Points
  • 21:52:45, 11 November

The last thing he needs is his wife.

  • [-]
  • reading_steiner
  • 1 Points
  • 20:22:57, 11 November

He sounds fine. He just needs to move on with his life.

  • [-]
  • Roll9ers
  • 1 Points
  • 18:57:43, 11 November

Good luck, man. I hope she doesnt take you to the cleaners, but it looks like no matter what you will be paying her bills. More importantly, i hope your kids don't blame you.

  • [-]
  • askmentally
  • 1 Points
  • 19:04:19, 11 November

Hi there, stranger. I am glad things are moving in a certain direction for you, good or bad. I do want to state that it appears that you've taken solace because of this new woman in your life. I'd recommend that you don't put all your eggs in that basket, because, if that doesn't pan out, you'll suddenly be left very alone. At least your wife had a fade out period!

Here's to a cheerful future for your entire family.

  • [-]
  • LaMafiosa
  • 1 Points
  • 20:02:58, 11 November

After 4 years of a miserable marriage i do hope you find happiness.

  • [-]
  • WalterBrickyard
  • 1 Points
  • 22:01:26, 11 November

Seriously man, it doesn't matter if you don't care about money, you still need it to survive and if you ever want to retire you'll need savings. If you go into this alone she could take everything from you. Not only leaving you penniless, but not allowing you to give your kids the gift of helping them with their first home (an awesome thing for a parent to do!) Get a lawyer and work out an agreement. The fact that you are willing to help her will make things a lot easier since you will appear to be reasonable to the mediator and/or judge. That will go a long ways towards reconciling the fact that it looks like you are abandoning your crippled wife. Find a good lawyer in your area who specializes in helping dudes.

  • [-]
  • Chnaiur
  • 1 Points
  • 22:01:37, 11 November

Why would you talk to your kids about the infidelity? Would that serve any constructive purpose? They have probably noticed that you guys aren't doing great as a couple and that should be sufficient for them for now.

My parents split when I was six, and they have only now started talking openly about the reasons. I'm 39... I think that was the right call by them. I wouldn't have understood until I had my own kids and experienced my own marriage.

Just my 5c.

  • [-]
  • bulloni
  • 1 Points
  • 22:31:03, 11 November

Don't forget that a potential thought that your children may have is that they have been living a big lie. I'm not saying to not do it, I actually support you. Just be mindful of what thoughts they may have and support them as best as you can in a weird position you will be in.

  • [-]
  • elliottstanger
  • 1 Points
  • 22:36:48, 11 November

For some reason I read this in Ron Swanson's voice. Good on you man.

  • [-]
  • satisfyinghump
  • 1 Points
  • 22:50:24, 11 November

perhaps after the turkey?

  • [-]
  • LondonBanana
  • 1 Points
  • 22:54:52, 11 November

Just make sure you don't get guilted into staying... Ant why should you provide for her when she cheated on you?

  • [-]
  • giraffe_taxi
  • 1 Points
  • 23:04:40, 11 November

It sounds like your wife is going to require disability care for the rest of her life, because of the recent accident.

Given that you're moving on from her life, it's not really your place to get into the specifics about end-of-life decisions and planning with her. OTOH, the disability complicates those for her, and might mean either a sooner death, a greater need for long-term-care, or even both.

It's probable that now, decisions that you and wifey would have left for each other (had one survived) will now fall to your children. Specifically, things like if and when to pull the plug, what kind of life saving measures (if any) you both might want in scenarios of terminal illness, managing affairs if either of you become mentally incapacitated, that sort of thing.

Estate planning is probably an easy thing to overlook, given all the other emotionally loaded facets of your circumstances.

  • [-]
  • kemloten
  • -5 Points
  • 17:03:18, 11 November

>We talked about talking to our kids about the infidelity.

Don't do that.

But, good on you for getting out of there.

EDIT: I thought he children were children. Like 7 or 8. If they're adults he should just go ahead and tell them,

  • [-]
  • DivineVodka
  • 13 Points
  • 17:34:02, 11 November

Yes he should, imagine how his children will feel about their dad suddenly dumping their mom when she can't walk anymore? First thing that comes to mind is shallow and every single person is going to be mad at him and what are the chances of them believing him after they get the divorce and suddenly the mother decides to switch around and say he's lying?

Who do you really think they will sympathize with? The guy divorcing his cripple wife? Or the cripple wife? Yes he should tell them with the mother there, better now than the mother gets bitter one day and tells them some lies ( seeing she's a good liar).

  • [-]
  • kemloten
  • -6 Points
  • 17:36:13, 11 November

>Yes he should, imagine how his children will feel about their dad suddenly dumping their mom when she can't walk anymore?

Imagine how they'll feel about their Mom doing something despicable to their Dad and breaking up their family. She's in a vulnerable enough position. I think all that needs to be said is their relationship didn't work out. When they're adults maybe they can hear some of the details, but children are not mature enough to handle that kind of information.

  • [-]
  • Balieyez
  • 12 Points
  • 17:44:03, 11 November

they are adults...at 18 they are grown enough to know the truth.

  • [-]
  • kemloten
  • 1 Points
  • 17:44:34, 11 November

Ooooh. Well if they're adults that's different.

  • [-]
  • Balieyez
  • 6 Points
  • 17:47:36, 11 November

in OP's original post he said he stayed the last 4 years with the wife until the kids were grown and that his youngest was about to turn 18, which is why he was doing the divorce now.

  • [-]
  • kemloten
  • -2 Points
  • 17:48:31, 11 November

Didn't know they were 18. It makes sense for him too tell them in that case.

  • [-]
  • DivineVodka
  • 4 Points
  • 17:47:20, 11 November

This is the real world. That's life, we don't make decisions and no consequences happen she should have thought of that before she went and had sex with their FRIEND! They will need a reason for breaking up and it has to be a damn good one because of how she is currently.

It's good imo that they both are going to tell them. I could see your point if the children were 14 & 13 but they are not kids. I will admit breaking up after all these years is seriously going to be "wtf" to them because as the dad has said they have been a happy family all along... I see what you're trying to say and how it can affect them.

On the other hand this woman lied to him for 4 months. If she's honestly able to cheat on her husband and lie about it for 4 months she's very capable of calling her kids to her side crying and say your dad is breaking up with me for X reason and of course you will sympathize she's your mom, A and she's crippled! If he leaves it alone I think she will get bitter one day and try and turn their kids against their dad... If he was willing to stick around for them that long.... You and I both know how much that would crush him to find his kids hate him.

  • [-]
  • kemloten
  • -2 Points
  • 17:49:22, 11 November

I thought the "kids" were "kids". Like 7 or 8. I didn't realize they were 18. He should go ahead and tell them.

  • [-]
  • DivineVodka
  • 2 Points
  • 17:50:17, 11 November

Lol oh.. well I typed that for nothing then :(

  • [-]
  • macman156
  • 3 Points
  • 17:40:11, 11 November

No. I appreciated the honesty when my parents divorced and it was for the and reason. Tell kids the truth

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • -6 Points
  • 19:13:50, 11 November

Do not tell your kids of your wife's infidelity. Just tell them the marriage has been over for years, they probably have already been clued in. Good luck. (Former child of cheating parents who did not need to know.)

  • [-]
  • insane_psycho
  • 8 Points
  • 19:52:46, 11 November

the "children" are legally adults at this point. i think they deserve to know the truth and are old enough to understand.

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 1 Points
  • 20:17:32, 11 November

I was an adult child of cheating parents who divorced. I did not need to know. The only reason to tell is to out the other parent as a "lying, cheating bastard/bitch". Totally unnecessary. It's their marriage, not something to subject the kids to. Her cheating has no reflection of her as a mother to her kids. I'd say the same if the dad was cheating.

  • [-]
  • insane_psycho
  • 2 Points
  • 20:28:49, 11 November

i guess i can see what you are saying, but if i was in the postion OP's kids are i would want to know why my parents are getting divorced after decades of being married and i wouldnt accept a 'gee well thats not really necessary for you to know' answer.

The kids are significantly and directly affected by the marriage and i think they should be informed on why their world has been turned upside down.

  • [-]
  • crazyeasy
  • 2 Points
  • 20:51:14, 11 November

If OP did it in a tactful way along with his soon to be ex wife with the adult kids, while they both somehow agree on what to say before hand might help. But, ask the kids if they would like an explanation too before that bag is laid open. Thats what i would like if my folks did that...a warning.

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 2 Points
  • 20:34:47, 11 November

I was an adult when my parents divorced, my world was not turned upside down because I knew it was coming. My world was shattered when my parents felt it necessary to both confess their own adultery and admit it of the other parent. I did not need to know that. YMMV.

  • [-]
  • insane_psycho
  • 1 Points
  • 20:53:57, 11 November

well it doesnt sound like the children in this example knew it was coming. personally if this situation happened to me when the youngest child goes to college i would probably be very resentful of the cheating party so i can understand why its important OP wants to avoid that, but in the end i would rather know. to each their own.

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 1 Points
  • 23:12:15, 11 November

The children always know.

  • [-]
  • pitbullpride
  • -3 Points
  • 19:20:46, 11 November

I really wanted to say this in the last post. OP, listen to this guy (or girl)