I, 20/F drunkenly cheated on my 21/M boyfriend, but I've never felt so awful about doing something in my life. (self.relationships)

relationships

18 ups - 7 downs = 11 votes

We've been dating for 3.5 years, and these years have been some of the best in my life. He is the kindest man I know, and I've never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life, I've never felt anything close to the love I feel for him. I know I'm young and I know it sounds rash, but I honestly think he could be the one I want to marry.

Right now, we're doing LDR, but I see him every 2 weeks.

I've been living at University for a while now, and I've been friends with this guy here whose company I thoroughly enjoy. However, I never saw myself doing anything sexual or romantic with him, that kind of thought occured to me. Last night though, we got really drunk and had sex. It wasn't romantic, I didn't feel any kind of feeling for my floormate. I know alcohol isn't an excuse, but under any other circumstance I would have never done this.

I have never felt so awful in my life. I almost threw up after waking up, my heart has been pounding, I feel so jittery and guilty.

I have yet to tell my boyfriend, but please, before you berate me: If I told him what I did, not only would I lose the love of my life, it would absolutely devastate him. I don't care about any hurt I may feel; I'd rather suffer for years of guilt about an extremely stupid act rather than break his heart. We once talked about cheating, and he told me that he wouldn't be able to see me the same way if I ever was with someone else, or be with me. I don't give two shits about how it may affect me if he finds out, I just don't want to hurt my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life, and I don't think he or I would be able to handle this until some time has passed.

Essentially I'm just ranting, but should I tell him? I read all over r/relationships and the people who have been cheated on just once and stayed with their partner said they would rather have never found out in the first place. I hate the fact that I cheated on him, and I would NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I couldn't. The idea of hurting him when he is so loving and giving to me is so hard to bear. I know I'm an awful person, and believe me, I feel absolutely vile.

Is it worth breaking my boyfriend's heart, the love of my life, if it's about a stupid intoxicated mistake that would never ever happen again? I'd be willing to suffer with the guilt for as long as it takes for it to subside, as long as it doesn't hurt him.

Please don't tell me what a bad person I am, I already know. I just need somebody to talk to about this, and what is your advice about telling him? Thank you for reading if you've read this far, I appreciate it more than you know.

tl;dr: I drunkenly cheated on the love of my life, didn't feel any sort of emotion with the sex of the person I cheated with. Haven't told my boyfriend yet, but I really don't want to because doing so would devastate him. I am willing to suffer with the guilt as long as he remains unscarred.

48 comments submitted at 15:57:55 on Nov 12, 2013 by hoojsa

  • [-]
  • LittleMissP
  • 64 Points
  • 16:23:25, 12 November

>If I told him what I did, not only would I lose the love of my life, it would absolutely devastate him.

Dude, it's not the telling that would devastate him, it's the fucking someone else.

  • [-]
  • achammer23
  • 2 Points
  • 17:18:11, 12 November

This

  • [-]
  • suicidie
  • 46 Points
  • 16:06:31, 12 November

You want justification for not telling your boyfriend you cheated. Don't pretend that you're being selfless. He deserves to know the kind of person he's with. He deserves to make a decision whether or not he wants to be in this relationship. And btw, alcohol doesn't make you do anything.

  • [-]
  • reading_steiner
  • 4 Points
  • 17:56:23, 12 November

A huge cock in your mouth is a pretty sobering experience.

  • [-]
  • yourlogicisflawed
  • 2 Points
  • 17:34:07, 12 November

Clearly it just happened, she had no control over who she's fucking and she shouldn't have to face up to being a cheating skank... /s

The OP is delusional, this is all about her not wanting to face the consequences of her actions. This is exactly why so many guys have trust issues with women.

  • [-]
  • LazyG
  • 29 Points
  • 16:27:49, 12 November

Seriously, you need to grow up.

The 'but telling them would only hurt them more' defence is so old and played out, it is still wearing flares, listening to disco and spouting racially uncomfortable generalisations.

What you want, incredibly clearly, is us to validate you not telling him. Well I won't and anyone with sense won't either.

Here is something i wrote before about why he has to be told.

>It's about respect, choices and long term futures.

>You made the choice, drunk or not, to cheat. Thats disrespectful in the extreme to your so, but just deciding it will never happen again so you don't need to tell them compounds the disrespect and takes away their ability to make an informed choice. You hurt them doubly, and though they doesn't know generally the result of your actions will damage the relationship even if she doesn't know why. For instance, those that have cheated often are the most paranoid about their s/o cheating, and that can cause damage.

>If you respect your s/o you owe them the chance to choose whether they wants to or can forgive you. You need to tell them to give them that choice, to respect them as a person.

>If the moral argument doesn't sway you, there is self interest. If the person you cheated with is is even tangentially in your friendship group or connected via work etc, it canm get back to you. If you think she won;t mention it to someone, be it their best friend in a confessional or drunkenly to a mutual acquaintance in a bar, you are naive. Its quite possible it gets back to your s/o, and if so its a hell of a lot worse than if you told them.

>So, yeah.** tell your s/o.**

Also, STDs. You need to get tested now anyway, condom or not. As a side note, HPV, which is a if not the major cause of cervical cancer isn't reliably stopped by condoms. Also causes penile cancer and is not testable in men, so yeah, get tested.

But anyway, cheating happens, it is a bad thing but it does. it doesn;t make you a bad person, but IMo how you act afterwards can. Don't be a shitty person. Have the respect for your bf to tell him the truth. For all your desperate claims, the idea you can just bury it and it not affect things is hugely naive.

Also understand that going to university kills 99% of relationships (more here). Maybe it was just time.

  • [-]
  • ckuiper
  • 4 Points
  • 16:47:13, 12 November

Agreed. There is no hope of keeping the secret. All gossip like this gets out in a college town. Either OP tells him or someone else does.

  • [-]
  • hoojsa
  • 0 Points
  • 16:30:54, 12 November

Thank you for not calling me a terrible person..I can't see him for a couple days. Do you think I should tell him as soon as possible over Skype or wait to do it in person?

  • [-]
  • LazyG
  • 5 Points
  • 16:34:21, 12 November

Depends, if it is a couple fo days maybe best to wait, unless that means him driving to visit you or something. lets face it, the most likely outcome is he ends it, would be good if he was at home when that happened, or at least somewhere you can leave him to be sad rather than a drive home or something.

That said, once you decide to tell him you may not be able to conceal it (this is understandable), in which case skype is better than nothing.

  • [-]
  • Vincethink
  • 46 Points
  • 16:10:23, 12 November

>I hate the fact that I cheated on him, and I would NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I couldn't.

You probably thought you'd never cheat in the first place. You were wrong.

If you don't tell him, you rob him of the ability to make an informed choice, and considering you guys broke up as recently as V-day, I don't think "together forever" is realistic.

  • [-]
  • FUCKER_OF_BUTTS
  • 16 Points
  • 16:05:32, 12 November

Why're you so certain it'll never happen again? Before it happened, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you thought it'd never happen once.

He deserves to know.

  • [-]
  • Congzilla
  • 25 Points
  • 16:19:25, 12 November

>I read all over r/relationships and the people who have been cheated on just once and stayed with their partner said they would rather have never found out in the first place

No you don't.

>it would absolutely devastate him

He will get over it. Don't try the "I'm not telling him for his sake" bullshit. Just tell him.

  • [-]
  • IAMTHEDEATHMACHINE
  • 12 Points
  • 16:33:35, 12 November

>If I told him what I did, not only would I lose the love of my life, it would absolutely devastate him.

Deal with it. You're 20, he's 21. You've both got a lot of life left. You'll both move on, most likely separately.

But please, don't act like you're a saint who is willing to "suffer" with the guilt in order to spare him. He's dated you for 3.5 years and it sounds like he's been loyal, loving, and generous. He deserves to know how you repaid him for those years of happiness.

And like other people said, alcohol isn't an excuse and it doesn't fundamentally change your morals or who you are. Drunk or not, you chose to sleep with this guy. You are responsible for yourself and your decisions, drunk or not.

  • [-]
  • ckuiper
  • 11 Points
  • 16:44:59, 12 November

You're "willing to suffer with the guilt?" How noble of you.

Tell him. He deserves to know.

  • [-]
  • jebusping
  • 18 Points
  • 16:01:28, 12 November

Being drunk does not effect one's morals. So if you made this mistake while drunk, some part of you wanted it.

  • [-]
  • hoojsa
  • -21 Points
  • 16:04:16, 12 November

That may be the case, indeed. But the thing is, I could never, ever do anything like this again. I've never felt so terrible about doing something in my life.

  • [-]
  • jebusping
  • 9 Points
  • 16:10:17, 12 November

Maybe its a sign of drinking more responsibly. Best bet is to talk to the bf and hope that he'll forgive... But cheating is a real big deal these days, with all things considered.

  • [-]
  • TucoShakur
  • 4 Points
  • 17:03:07, 12 November

And before this you probably didn't think you would do it in the first place... You selectively managed to pull out that some people would rather never know they were cheated on from reading reddit. Can't you at least acknowledge all the cookie cutter shit you're saying that every other person who cheats posts here too?

  • [-]
  • kintu
  • 6 Points
  • 16:40:25, 12 November

You take away his choice by not telling him...

Respect him enough to let him make his own decisions

  • [-]
  • chizaa8
  • 6 Points
  • 16:11:12, 12 November

You have to tell him... he's eventually going to find out somehow any way (most likely because you won't be able to deal with the guilt), so him finding out long after it happened will only make him feel worse. It's humiliating to be lied to about something so important... you're being selfish if you don't say anything. You say you don't want to lose him but where was that mentality when you slept with this other guy? Sleeping with someone isn't an accidental act, you could have stopped it any time but you didn't. You should probably figure out why that is.

  • [-]
  • DontBroMeBro
  • 6 Points
  • 16:13:37, 12 November

Get tested.

  • [-]
  • vortican
  • 5 Points
  • 16:39:11, 12 November

Don't kid yourself and own up to what you did. Tell him now. Don't wait. There's never going to be a good time to tell him something so terrible. Just get it over with and deal with the consequences of your poor decisions. You will both suffer much longer and worse if you do not come clean immediately.

Call him up right now and tell him.

  • [-]
  • FAMOUS-MONSTER
  • 4 Points
  • 16:10:11, 12 November

Do you really think you could just compartmentalize this and not be affected by it, though? Have you lent any thought to how the effects of one lie will spread out and require even more lies?

Somewhere down the road, if he does something nice for you and it makes you feel incredibly guilty and you're clearly upset, what will you tell him then? If he's trying to figure out what's wrong, and what's wrong is that you're wracked with guilt and can't stop thinking about how horrible you feel every time you look at him, what explanation will you give him?

How long do you think you can keep that up?

  • [-]
  • JoeDawson8
  • 3 Points
  • 16:57:50, 12 November

That is the greatest point anyone could have said. It will build up inside, and he will be upset because you won't tell him what is wrong, and when you finally do, he will BE EVEN MORE DEVASTATED than if you told him NOW.

  • [-]
  • TheThirdBlackGuy
  • 4 Points
  • 16:35:51, 12 November

>Please don't tell me what a bad person I am, I already know. I just need somebody to talk to about this, and what is your advice about telling him?

If you are seriously contemplating adding lying on top of cheating, you don't know how bad of a person you are and should probably hear it again. Good people don't lie to save their own ass when they've cheated on their partner. They don't pretend that they are doing the jilted party any favors by staying together. You already know he doesn't want you, he told you as much:

>We once talked about cheating, and he told me that he wouldn't be able to see me the same way if I ever was with someone else, or be with me.

All you are doing now is keeping him from finding someone he can truly and honestly love. Not someone that has conned their way into his life. Grow up and remember the best way to not hurt people isn't by hiding the truth from them, but by not fucking up in the first place.

  • [-]
  • franklin_k
  • 4 Points
  • 16:37:20, 12 November

from the other comments, you have your answer. tell him now, not later. good luck.

  • [-]
  • spinalhours
  • 3 Points
  • 16:53:07, 12 November

We all make mistakes and if you don't tell him; then he'll fall in love over false pretenses and your relationship will essentially be a lie.

If you do tell him, chances are either you guys will break up, or he'll understand and forgive you. You do seem genuinely remorseful so I wish you all the best, the only comfort I can give you is it's better to tell him and take off the bandaid quickly than let the wound fester and your guilt slowly poison your mental health - and by extension your relationship.

  • [-]
  • SilvrSurfer
  • 3 Points
  • 17:37:23, 12 November

Honestly, I don't give a flip about you crying and having a tummy ache. You just made this guys worst nightmares come true. So no more about how bad it hurt you. At this point the only thing you can do to make this worse is to lie about it. You think it will be kind, but it isn't. The chances are very good he will find out someday, and then he'll have your deception on top of your infidelity and disrespect to deal with.

You should tell him as soon as possible. Either today on the phone or the first time you see him. You should apologize profusely, tell him how bad you feel, and how you plan on avoiding it in the future. Be prepared to deal with some shit. You will never get the same level of trust from him again.

  • [-]
  • cmdrcaboose2
  • 7 Points
  • 16:09:00, 12 November

So you don't want to tell him because you'd lose him? How selfish of you. You fucked up. Either tell him and be a good person, or don't and stop acting like you're anything more than a piece of shit person.

  • [-]
  • TheWolfeDen
  • 2 Points
  • 17:11:52, 12 November

If you respect him and love him then you should tell him. Don't be so selfish, you cheated and if you don't tell him then the rest of your relationship will be based on a lie. Do the right thing, tell him. Maybe he can forgive you, from the sounds of it that sounds very unlikely. Do him a favor, GTFO of the relationship.

  • [-]
  • FascinatingFades
  • 2 Points
  • 17:19:14, 12 November

First of all don't say, "NEVER DO IT AGAIN," because I'm 100% sure that before you cheated on your boyfriend you were saying "I'D NEVER CHEAT ON MY BOYFRIEND."

In short, yes he deserves to know. You're not falling on your sword by declaring you'll take the guilt to prevent his heart ache. That's not noble of you, that's selfish. For as long as you don't tell him - the relationship you're living is a lie. The person he thinks he's with (loyal) is not the person he's with.

At the end of the day shit happens and it sucks. Deal with this like a responsible adult would - go to your boyfriend sit him down and talk to him as calmly as you possibly can about what you did and how he wants to handle it.

But don't play that "I don't care about any hurt I may feel," bull shit. The problem with that is eventually you won't feel as bad as you do now. The dynamics of guilt and shame change and become lesser as you move forward. The only person you're actually hurting by not saying anything is the person you love.

  • [-]
  • armchair_anger
  • 2 Points
  • 17:43:09, 12 November

A "mistake" is forgetting your coffee on the roof of your car. Getting drunk with and having sex with your floormate is a conscious decision to prioritize getting laid over your relationship.

I know you're trying to ask people not to judge you, but really, you're not taking ownership of the effects of your actions. Keeping secrets from your boyfriend isn't some noble thing that you're suffering through for his sake, it's just you trying to avoid the fallout for your cheating.

You really can't say you'd never do it again. Maybe you won't, who knows - but I'm sure you said you'd never do it in the first place, and look how that worked out.

If you stay with your boyfriend and don't tell him, every single day of your relationship after this will be built on lies. Do you honestly think that's better for your boyfriend? Or is that just trying to hide from consequences?

You've already hurt and betrayed him, it's just that he hasn't found out yet. And you're planning on compounding this betrayal by lying to him about it. Do you think he'll be less hurt if he finds out after you'd lied to him for a long time?

If you want to remain with him, he deserves to be able to make that call while knowing the truth, instead of building the rest of your relationship on lies. If you want to spare him the truth of what you did, then you need to end the relationship.

Stop trying to have your cake and eat it too. If you care so deeply about your boyfriend then he deserves better than deception.

  • [-]
  • toointerested
  • 3 Points
  • 17:22:38, 12 November

I'm gonna need an update on this.

  • [-]
  • AlonsoQuijana
  • 2 Points
  • 17:23:17, 12 November

Would you really want to date a guy who's girlfriend cheats on him behind his back? If you don't tell him, you're making him into a sucker. Imagine how he'd feel if he found out a year from now.

  • [-]
  • killerhmd
  • 1 Points
  • 17:09:20, 12 November

> I read all over r/relationships and the people who have been cheated on just once and stayed with their partner said they would rather have never found out in the first place.

Where?

  • [-]
  • shadoxalon
  • 1 Points
  • 17:59:12, 12 November

I think she's thinking of all of the comments like "I wish it could go back to the way it were" as being "I wish I never knew so things were as they were" which are two COMPLETELY different concepts. Or she's just talking out of her ass.

  • [-]
  • achammer23
  • 1 Points
  • 17:21:20, 12 November

He would want to know, and he would want to hear it from you. Because hearing it down the road from someone else is a million times harder to take/deal with.

  • [-]
  • joshsway
  • 1 Points
  • 17:36:34, 12 November

You are in an LDR and started dating really young .. this was pretty much bound to happen from one or the other. Your relationship is probably doomed regardless, but, with that said, I wouldn't say anything. Everyone THINKS they would want to know, but most likely he would rather not know. However, in reality, spare yourselves the pain in the ass of a LDR at this stage in your lives and just break up.

And next time, don't get in the stupid situation of being alone and drunk with another guy. Start recognizing the limits if your self control. We are all human, the only way to really avoid cheating is to not get in situations where cheating is inevitable.

  • [-]
  • MysteryManz
  • 1 Points
  • 17:37:10, 12 November

You're just a coward looking for an excuse not to have to take responsibility for your actions. You chose to do this, the alcohol is just an excuse. You love your "boyfriend" so much that you're capable of fucking another guy and lying to him about it. That bodes well for the future, doesn't it?

If you genuinely care about this guy you should give him the choice to forgive you or not. It's obvious you neither love nor respect him enough to do that. Luckily secrets like this have a way of getting out, so when he does find out it'll be be the lies as much as the cheating that will make him hate you. Or if he's really unlucky he'll find out the next time you cheat. And you will.

  • [-]
  • ice_nine459
  • 1 Points
  • 17:39:34, 12 November

Without fail every comment on a post in /r/relationships that has anything to do with cheating is immediately hostile. What you are feeling is natural for such a huge mistake. Unfortunately you cheated and no matter how you phrase it to yourself (not hurting him etc.) you don't want to tell him because you are scared he will break up with you.

It sucks to be cheated on or to cheat while drunk but like everyone has said, alcohol isn't really an excuse. He may break up with you like you are scared of but it should be up to him whether or not he should stay with you. You aren't an awful person because you made a mistake, the mere fact that you feel so badly about it proves it. If you were an awful person you would lie until caught and then try to talk yourself out of it which is how a surprising amount of people handle cheating. Telling him is the only thing you could do at this point. It's going to be really hard and you are going to have to face the fact that he will probably break up with you but if the relationship is worth fighting for then he will do what is best.

Long distance relationships are hard and even harder when cheating is thrown in the mix because alot of the trust will be gone. He will be suspicious and rightfully so but honesty and transparency is usually the best for a relationship regardless of suspicions from your SO.

I also find it very disrespectful for every person to see the word cheating and hard on about STD's. For some reason people think that if you are in a relationship then there is 0 chance of getting an std. There is no increased chance of getting an std from someone you dated once or twice than someone who you've been dating for a month before sleeping with them. I think it's safe to assume you didn't just sleep with some random skeevy guy you met outside the building for the hell of it. However you absolutely have to tell your bf about the cheating before you even consider having sex with him because like I said earlier, it's his choice if he wants to risk a relationship/sex/std.

takeaway of all this is that you aren't a bad person, you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, it's about how you handle things after you make a mistake. You can come clean and apologize or you can lie and make it even worse because he will find out. There is no way you will feel this guilty and not show signs of pulling away or guilt when you are with him.

  • [-]
  • DepressedBard
  • 1 Points
  • 17:41:02, 12 November

You are not a terrible person. You are a person, and people make mistakes. You made a big one, and now it's your responsibility to face the consequences of them. This is how you grow and how you learn to avoid such mistakes in the future.

First thing you have to do is to tell your SO. At this point it's not about you, it's about him. You have betrayed his trust and as such the circumstances of the relationship have changed -- he may break up with you, he may not, either way it is a choice that you owe to him.

After that's dealt with, and it will be a long, hard road no matter what your SO does, you have to forgive yourself. Learn from this mistake, take steps to make sure it never happens again, but acknowledge that it was a mistake. It is not a cross that you have to carry with you for the rest of your life.

  • [-]
  • strawmaj
  • 1 Points
  • 17:42:56, 12 November

Look, I'm not going to berate you and call you a terrible person. What you did was terrible, but you are human. You make mistakes.

As someone that has been on both sides of this situation, I advise you to tell your boyfriend what you did and let him decide if he wants to work through it or not.

If you love him as you say you do, you owe him the respect of letting him know. This idea that you're being selfless because "you don't want to hurt him," is THE most selfish thought process here. By not telling him, you're effectively making the choices on his behalf. That's not fair, AT ALL for either of you. But especially him.

Put on your big girl pants and do what is right. It's going to be hard, but it's what you need to do. Whatever happens, you can at least come out of it knowing that you did the right thing in the end and not continue to be selfish.

  • [-]
  • minje
  • 2 Points
  • 17:44:14, 12 November

you keep saying the love of your life but I think you're delusional. He sounds like a really good guy but he was obviously not the "love of your life" because you fucked some dude that you don't even have feelings for. That makes it even cheaper imo.

I feel really bad for your boyfriend. If he's anything like you describe than you should tell him and learn from your mistake. He deserves better.

  • [-]
  • dripless_cactus
  • 0 Points
  • 17:55:43, 12 November

Reddit has a real hate on for people who cheat. But you are not a bad person. Bad people lie about their intentions, cheat to hurt people, and never feel an ounce of remorse. You didn’t do this on purpose, which is not to excuse the behavior, but to say that you merely made a mistake. If that’s not forgivable then none of us deserve forgiveness.

So first, I may get downvoted for saying this, but don’t beat yourself up. Stay realistic about the situation. It serves no one to feel overly guilty. Yes, the reality is that this will hurt your boyfriend, and it will likely affect your relationship. But you didn’t do this out of malice; you are not worse than Hitler. You need to accept the consequences, but you do not need to punish yourself forever and ever or hate yourself.

If you respect him, you need to tell him. If you don’t respect him, you need to leave. Let him know what you did and that you are very sorry. But leave the ball in his court and don’t manipulate him with self-hatred and promises you aren't sure you can keep. Take it from there. Some relationships recover, many don’t. If it doesn't, you’re still young and have plenty of time to live and learn and make other mistakes. The world has not ended even if it feels like it.

  • [-]
  • Ohioho
  • 2 Points
  • 17:57:10, 12 November

You fucked up. He deserves to know. And you deserve to be dumped.

  • [-]
  • K_Rad
  • 1 Points
  • 17:57:59, 12 November

Looks like this thread is mostly wrapped up, but I'd like to offer some advice if possible at this stage.

When I was younger, I made some selfish decisions while dating. I've never cheated, but I've definitely done things that weren't considerate of the person I was with. These include things like: getting wasted at a party without them, staying out way later than I said I would, lying about who I was with, etc.... none of these are horrible offenses by themselves, but they were a trend of behavior that showed I didn't really care enough to try and make dating me easy, to make their life happier by not planting seeds of doubt.

I took away from this a few lessons, but mostly that I should never put myself in a position where my SO would be uncomfortable. I don't get drunk late at night with other men, I come home before midnight, and I always communicate when we are apart. Learning to date in a way that shows more respect and consideration for your SO will reduce the chance of you making these sort of poor decisions in the future.

Best of luck.

  • [-]
  • iwastherebro
  • 0 Points
  • 17:44:32, 12 November

I hope you do the only good thing in the situation and break up with him.

  • [-]
  • Psimitry
  • -2 Points
  • 17:24:51, 12 November

One thing I noticed that I didn't see anyone else talking about: you've been together since you were 16/17. It's time to move on and your drunken self was telling you this. Just break up with him. You don't necessarily need to tell him you cheated on him. But definitely break up.