[Update2] [33 M] with [32F] wife of 4 years, hit rock bottom (self.relationships)
79 ups - 20 downs = 59 votes
My wife and I are both PhD students. Normally she was the one leaving on research trips, while I stayed at home. I ended getting a (insert first responder job) to help pay the bills for the bigger apartment she absolutely needed when we got married a few years ago - and to help pay for my preliminary research. She got her trips funded through professors. My job was nice, but dangerous. There was a gym and I could work out on the clock, always keeping in shape for the combination of hard work and academic pressures.
The marriage had issues. There was very little action in the bedroom, and she chalked up to having a low libido. I kept fit, worked hard, and handled things. I got attention from other women, but turned it down. I tried really hard to do things to get things moving in the bedroom, but nothing worked. I once went 7 months without sex from her. After complaining about this, she ended up giving me sporadic grudging duty sex just to keep me from losing my mind.
Well, finally I came through and succeeded and got the big grant. I was going to go abroad in one stretch. She had been abroad for a similar amount of time, but broken up in chunks. Recognizing the unfairness in this, I arranged for her to visit me halfway on my dime. We had a good time, then she went home.
A few months after going home, and while I was still in my research location, she flew abroad and went to her research location. She "felt alive there," and her libido opened up. Soon after this, she met "D." Very soon after they met, the first kiss happened. She withdrew, but they were making out within a few more days. This led to making out in the bedroom, which of course goes to where the panties slip to the side. Sometimes this led to a finish, sometimes it didnt.
She became very attached to him, and to the dopamine high she was on. She cried when she left and confided in one of her friends on how much she cared about him. She wasnt sure whether our marriage or this relationship with him was going to go on for about 2-3 weeks after she went home. Their relationship fizzled, and she decided to try to make it work with me. She was not going to tell me about the affair.
The problem is, I suspected something was drastically wrong. You can see in the previous posts some of the erratic demands on "having to move right now," and refusing to compromise with me. She was also, in hindsight, making her lover more of a positive, and, as a result, I had to have more negative attributes. She gaslighted me when I asked about him, considering she peppered her page with pictures of him, some in some loving poses. I was no where. She also found me a nuisance when I would call. My work was dangerous, and I really wanted to hear her voice. I had a suspicion something was wrong, but I had no idea.
So, it was time for me to go home. Our homecoming was awkward and strained. She was just not really into it. Further complicating things, the next day we discovered we had to move because the landlord was losing the house and not able to renew our month to month lease. I was super busy before abroad with research, and instead of coming home and relaxing, I became super busy again. I had no time to explore my conflicted suspicions.
That was when I discovered a pus discharge from my firehose. They dont test for all bacterial strains that cause this, but the medication for chlamydia and gonorrhea cleared it up. My tests for 4 bacterial STDs came back negative. Now I wasnt sure what I had. I was in a disturbing grey area, and I was about to leave the country again for a few months to finish my work. It could have been another bacterial STD, or not. This is when I discovered she had been misleading me on her student loans. I found it was, in fact, $170,000 dollars.
During the move, I first got a lawyer to draft up a post nup agreement to leave her debt to her. When I wanted to talk to her about her financial plan for paying the loans, I was put off by her statements that the loans were hers and she was just going to take care of them. She didnt want to hear how this was going to impact the marriage.
When I left, I gained some clarity to process the whirlwind of information. I started to put everything together. There really was no other possible causes for my penis discharge. The chlamydia and gonorrhea cleared it up in normal time. All the pus and burning urination went in a normal time for a bacterial STD. This was where one of her friends that I had been chatting with, confirmed the affair and came out because of safety reasons for all parties.
I got a ticket home for the very next morning and confronted my spouse with her friend, in person. This put my spouse of guard. She tried to deny it as just making out, but I wasnt having the gaslighting anymore. I had proof and backup proof. This wasnt an inquiry, this was an intervention. She asked if we were getting a divorce, and I said I cant come back from this. She collapsed, and I left. The next few days I got my things in a storage unit and went back overseas. We also got tested for everything, an came up negative.
Now, she is desperately doing all the things I've been asking her to do: Share some cooking responsibilities, go to counseling, work on the dead bedroom, stop keeping secrets, work on finances, and discover why she cheated. I've postponed filing for divorce to let all ofthis process, so I'm not making decisions in shock. I'm not going to twist the knife on her, and let her keep her reputation that she values, but I dont think I can come back.
I just keep thinking of the romance that I had waited and worked for for so long, and she gave it to another man. When I was at risk from a dangerous project, the thought of coming home kept me going. Now I learn she was in a dopamine high of passion and sex with another man during this time. I'm just getting severely mindfucked by hearing all the things I wanted to hear. Normally, I'm 100% into the walkout, im just finding myself stammering here.
This is all so fucking overwhelming, that I cant process it all. Yes, I'm going to counseling myself to deal with this, no matter what I choose.
tl;dr: This is too complicated for a summary, but for starters, I posted two threads above, and I eventually found out my wife had sex with another man. This is leading to a huge mindscrew for me.
54 comments submitted at 20:09:54 on Nov 23, 2013 by throwaway_yy