[Update] Found my wife's old sex tape. Now our marriage is on the rocks if you have any advice please share. (self.relationship_advice)
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I read all of your responses. I have to say a couple things please actually read my post, not read what you think it says. In no way did I say I feel entitled to sex nor do I care about her past. I am upset about the deception. Please stop wasting my time. I thought long and hard about this, and although we have our issues, I am willing to work past them.
I still think she is a great mother and life partner, for those reasons I will try to work things out with her. I decided that the best course of action would be to pursue an open marriage agreement, so that way I don’t have to have her drudge through sex with me that she likely doesn’t enjoy. And if she wants someone she can share her wild sex with she can do that as well, and I can find someone who fulfills me sexually as well.
I am not believing a lot of the things she is saying and rightfully so. She has lied for 7 years, so now she will be judged on her actions not her words. Some of you guys mentioned that it there might be infidelity on her part.
So I ended up calling her, I told her I want to work things out. I ended up coming back home for a bit. Summary of our conversation, these aren’t quotes we talked for hours so here you go.
>Me: My trust in you has been shaken. And I am doubting if you were faithful to me throughout our marriage for that reason I want to get a DNA test for our daughter.
>Wife: I swear I didn’t sleep with anyone else, I am sorry about lying but I didn’t sleep with anyone.
>Me: Than why does it matter, I just want it for a peace of mind, I deserve that much.
>Wife: That’s fine
>Me: I don’t want another child, at least not now. If our marriage gets better, maybe in a couple of years we can reconsider.
>Wife starts crying for a while. Our original goal was to have three kids, but I don’t want to bring any more kids until we have a stable household. Eventually she stops crying, after I start to walk out.
>Wife agrees to the condition.
>Me: I understand you have a wild past, and I don’t want you to have to do things with me that you don’t want. Although, you say you want to do them now, you will always harbor resentment. You didn’t want to do it for 7 years I understand that. I would ask you why you felt that way, I am curious as to why you don’t want to do those things with me. But, no matter what you tell me I don’t believe what you say.
>Wife: I swear it’s not because of you I didn’t want you to think I was a slut. I want to do those things with you.
>Me: I tried for 7years, trying out a new position wouldn’t have made you sluttier. Look you obviously have your reasons, but even if you do want to do them in the back of my head I will always think you are doing it of guilt. No matter what “that type of sex” will always be tainted with you. So for that reason I don’t want to try anything new with you sexually. You didn’t want to do it for 7 years, all this video showed me you liked doing those things in the past with other people.
>Wife: I still want to do them, we can work it out. I swear I want it, how can I prove it to you.
>Me: that thought will always linger, look let’s just ignore it. I would rather open up our marriage. You can sleep with other people I can sleep with other people. We can set ground rules, but I don’t want me or you to have to be sexually repressed anymore.
>Wife: I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you, and I don’t want you to sleep with other women. I can give you anything you can get with those women.
>Me: Well I do want to sleep with other women, and it’s not just the specific act but the fact they want to do it. Sex means a lot more to me than the sensation. To me it makes me feel desirable, it’s a validation of love. Look you can say what you want whether you like doing something or not. If you don’t like giving blow jobs that’s fine but the fact you’d put up getting double teamed for two random smucks but won’t do that for your own husband hurts me. It’s one thing you didn’t do it for anyone but that’s not the case. I would like to know your reasoning but even if you tell me the truth I’ll think you are lying. I want that validation, since I haven’t gotten that from you. I will get it from other people.
>Wife: I am not going to go through with this, this is going to ruin our marriage. I don’t want you to sleep with anyone why can’t we try working on our marriage.
>Me: look I’ll give you a couple days to decide if you want to go through with it. If you don’t that’s fine. I wouldn’t mind giving up on our marriage either.
>Wife: I want to save our marriage, but this is not okay with me.
>Me: those are my conditions, if you don’t want to follow through with them then let me know. I really want to divorce, but this is the only arrangement I see it working. I am going back, let me know if you are okay with my requests. If you want to go to counseling you can I am not wasting any money on that.
So that’s that. I don’t know if opening up our marriage is the right course of action, but to me it’s just about the only thing I consider.
Things my wife told me: (I don’t know how true they are)
I learned my wife was promiscuous, in high school, and in college. But after she moved to a new city, she wanted to put it all behind her. There was no trauma involved, never was raped, assaulted, coerced. She just thought guys looking to marry wanted a “lady in the bed.” She wasn’t aware she had the video, supposedly it was from when she was moving from college and it got lost. She wasn’t ever planning on telling me about her past it was a secret she was going to take to her grave.
I told you guys how I feel, if you have any ideas on how to fix our marriage, please share. I told you how I feel about sex, and what it means to me. I don’t want you to tell me, that I am wrong for having those feelings. Besides divorce/open marriage do you have any suggestions? And don’t tell me marriage counseling, it’s a waste of money, if you haven’t been there before than please don’t recommend me. I told my wife if she wants to go for individual counseling she is welcome to but I won’t be joining her.
Please share. I am not going to be guilted and shamed for my desires. If she finds my demands unreasonable she has the option to reject them. She is a grown woman herself.
Please actually read my post before post.
It's over. I talked to her on the phone
We tried to have a sincere talk about her feelings. I tried my best to understand where she was coming from, but at the end of it I didn't believe a word she said. I couldn't.
I told her I can't. Trust and intimacy are broken, the more I think, the more it creeps into my mind. I can't be with someone where I second guess myself, looking for other women for validation won't work. I don't want to torture her for her past either.
I learned what a good bit from this relationship and I will take that with me to the women I meet in the future. If I meet a girl and she doesn't satisfy me sexually I am not going to wait for her to open up, or overlook it. I realized over the years of being married to my wife how much suppressing my desires got to me and how it made me an angry person.
Regarding divorce, I am going to talk to my brother in person soon, I have asked him to come over. I don't want this to be a blown out family ordeal, but I could at least use his support.
Wife has a skin condition that my insurance has been covering. I am not going to try to deprive her of that, and hopefully I can make arrangements so she can continue getting treatment after we separate. I will use this as a bargaining chip in divorce arrangements, if she won't grant me joint custody, or won't do a fair split of assets.
Wife still wants to make things work, I told her I am drained. I still love her, but I don't think she loves me and for that reason I can't stay. Intimacy to me is an expression of love and she gave it to other people but was reserved with me. You might have a different view but that's how I see it.
I have already made moves financially, I am going to start communicating with her through emails so I have a solid log of all our interactions.
Wife has constantly been calling, her mother called me recently and told me I need to meet with her before she hurts herself. I don't know what to do I tried calling her she is panting crying, and sounds self destructive at this point. I want to take our daughter from that environment, I don't know what to do at this point.
214 comments submitted at 16:48:21 on Nov 25, 2013 by vidthroweawaya21