[Update] Found my wife's old sex tape. Now our marriage is on the rocks if you have any advice please share. (self.relationship_advice)

relationship_advice

34 ups - 38 downs = 0 votes

http://redd.it/1re589

I read all of your responses. I have to say a couple things please actually read my post, not read what you think it says. In no way did I say I feel entitled to sex nor do I care about her past. I am upset about the deception. Please stop wasting my time. I thought long and hard about this, and although we have our issues, I am willing to work past them.

I still think she is a great mother and life partner, for those reasons I will try to work things out with her. I decided that the best course of action would be to pursue an open marriage agreement, so that way I don’t have to have her drudge through sex with me that she likely doesn’t enjoy. And if she wants someone she can share her wild sex with she can do that as well, and I can find someone who fulfills me sexually as well.

I am not believing a lot of the things she is saying and rightfully so. She has lied for 7 years, so now she will be judged on her actions not her words. Some of you guys mentioned that it there might be infidelity on her part.

So I ended up calling her, I told her I want to work things out. I ended up coming back home for a bit. Summary of our conversation, these aren’t quotes we talked for hours so here you go.

>Me: My trust in you has been shaken. And I am doubting if you were faithful to me throughout our marriage for that reason I want to get a DNA test for our daughter.

>Wife: I swear I didn’t sleep with anyone else, I am sorry about lying but I didn’t sleep with anyone.

>Me: Than why does it matter, I just want it for a peace of mind, I deserve that much.

>Wife: That’s fine

>Me: I don’t want another child, at least not now. If our marriage gets better, maybe in a couple of years we can reconsider.

>Wife starts crying for a while. Our original goal was to have three kids, but I don’t want to bring any more kids until we have a stable household. Eventually she stops crying, after I start to walk out.

>Wife agrees to the condition.

>Me: I understand you have a wild past, and I don’t want you to have to do things with me that you don’t want. Although, you say you want to do them now, you will always harbor resentment. You didn’t want to do it for 7 years I understand that. I would ask you why you felt that way, I am curious as to why you don’t want to do those things with me. But, no matter what you tell me I don’t believe what you say.

>Wife: I swear it’s not because of you I didn’t want you to think I was a slut. I want to do those things with you.

>Me: I tried for 7years, trying out a new position wouldn’t have made you sluttier. Look you obviously have your reasons, but even if you do want to do them in the back of my head I will always think you are doing it of guilt. No matter what “that type of sex” will always be tainted with you. So for that reason I don’t want to try anything new with you sexually. You didn’t want to do it for 7 years, all this video showed me you liked doing those things in the past with other people.

>Wife: I still want to do them, we can work it out. I swear I want it, how can I prove it to you.

>Me: that thought will always linger, look let’s just ignore it. I would rather open up our marriage. You can sleep with other people I can sleep with other people. We can set ground rules, but I don’t want me or you to have to be sexually repressed anymore.

>Wife: I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than you, and I don’t want you to sleep with other women. I can give you anything you can get with those women.

>Me: Well I do want to sleep with other women, and it’s not just the specific act but the fact they want to do it. Sex means a lot more to me than the sensation. To me it makes me feel desirable, it’s a validation of love. Look you can say what you want whether you like doing something or not. If you don’t like giving blow jobs that’s fine but the fact you’d put up getting double teamed for two random smucks but won’t do that for your own husband hurts me. It’s one thing you didn’t do it for anyone but that’s not the case. I would like to know your reasoning but even if you tell me the truth I’ll think you are lying. I want that validation, since I haven’t gotten that from you. I will get it from other people.

>Wife: I am not going to go through with this, this is going to ruin our marriage. I don’t want you to sleep with anyone why can’t we try working on our marriage.

>Me: look I’ll give you a couple days to decide if you want to go through with it. If you don’t that’s fine. I wouldn’t mind giving up on our marriage either.

>Wife: I want to save our marriage, but this is not okay with me.

>Me: those are my conditions, if you don’t want to follow through with them then let me know. I really want to divorce, but this is the only arrangement I see it working. I am going back, let me know if you are okay with my requests. If you want to go to counseling you can I am not wasting any money on that.

So that’s that. I don’t know if opening up our marriage is the right course of action, but to me it’s just about the only thing I consider.

Things my wife told me: (I don’t know how true they are)

I learned my wife was promiscuous, in high school, and in college. But after she moved to a new city, she wanted to put it all behind her. There was no trauma involved, never was raped, assaulted, coerced. She just thought guys looking to marry wanted a “lady in the bed.” She wasn’t aware she had the video, supposedly it was from when she was moving from college and it got lost. She wasn’t ever planning on telling me about her past it was a secret she was going to take to her grave.

I told you guys how I feel, if you have any ideas on how to fix our marriage, please share. I told you how I feel about sex, and what it means to me. I don’t want you to tell me, that I am wrong for having those feelings. Besides divorce/open marriage do you have any suggestions? And don’t tell me marriage counseling, it’s a waste of money, if you haven’t been there before than please don’t recommend me. I told my wife if she wants to go for individual counseling she is welcome to but I won’t be joining her.

Please share. I am not going to be guilted and shamed for my desires. If she finds my demands unreasonable she has the option to reject them. She is a grown woman herself.

Please actually read my post before post.

It's over. I talked to her on the phone

We tried to have a sincere talk about her feelings. I tried my best to understand where she was coming from, but at the end of it I didn't believe a word she said. I couldn't.

I told her I can't. Trust and intimacy are broken, the more I think, the more it creeps into my mind. I can't be with someone where I second guess myself, looking for other women for validation won't work. I don't want to torture her for her past either.

I learned what a good bit from this relationship and I will take that with me to the women I meet in the future. If I meet a girl and she doesn't satisfy me sexually I am not going to wait for her to open up, or overlook it. I realized over the years of being married to my wife how much suppressing my desires got to me and how it made me an angry person.

Regarding divorce, I am going to talk to my brother in person soon, I have asked him to come over. I don't want this to be a blown out family ordeal, but I could at least use his support.

Wife has a skin condition that my insurance has been covering. I am not going to try to deprive her of that, and hopefully I can make arrangements so she can continue getting treatment after we separate. I will use this as a bargaining chip in divorce arrangements, if she won't grant me joint custody, or won't do a fair split of assets.

Wife still wants to make things work, I told her I am drained. I still love her, but I don't think she loves me and for that reason I can't stay. Intimacy to me is an expression of love and she gave it to other people but was reserved with me. You might have a different view but that's how I see it.

I have already made moves financially, I am going to start communicating with her through emails so I have a solid log of all our interactions.

Update

Wife has constantly been calling, her mother called me recently and told me I need to meet with her before she hurts herself. I don't know what to do I tried calling her she is panting crying, and sounds self destructive at this point. I want to take our daughter from that environment, I don't know what to do at this point.

214 comments submitted at 16:48:21 on Nov 25, 2013 by vidthroweawaya21

  • [-]
  • fuck_your_feelings
  • 8 Points
  • 17:45:36, 25 November

How did you come across this "sex tape"....did she have it hidden in a drawer or what?

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 2 Points
  • 17:48:30, 25 November

it was in boxes in our attic.

  • [-]
  • fuck_your_feelings
  • 13 Points
  • 17:52:55, 25 November

For someone who was "trying to move on and keep it in the past", keeping a sex tape of yourself being pounded by 6 guys is a pretty dumb move.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 24 Points
  • 17:05:49, 25 November

Something about this story just sounds like total horseshit. How is it possible that you've remembered all of the details of what I am sure was an extremely difficult conversation? And how convenient that your wife has no sympathetic reason for hiding her past? If this is at all a true story - do both of yourselves a favor and start working on getting divorced in the healthiest way possible for your child. Start laying the ground work for effective co-parenting and get yourself some individual therapy.

  • [-]
  • road_to_nowhere
  • 24 Points
  • 17:22:29, 25 November

The story is definitely horseshit. The poor writing is a dead giveaway and it's unfathomable that someone finds a tape of an all out orgy involving their wife of seven years and immediately jumps to the conclusion that they should open their marriage. If he's so hurt by the tape why would he want his wife to go bang other dudes? It's also pretty unbelievable that he's more upset over her not giving him the kind of sex he wants than not knowing who she really is since she lied about her past.

  • [-]
  • Annalog
  • 0 Points
  • 01:25:10, 26 November

Have you ever had a girl be upfront about her past? I have been lied to by every girl I have dated. AND YOU ALWAYS find out. I understand op completetly i ended a few relationships for similar reasons. One of my ex's who I thought was the girl next door I dated her for a while and then a slip up at the game "never have I ever" opened pandoras box. I quickly found out that her number of 3 partners was a ridiculous lie. When it goes from 3 partners to "I lost count over 100", has slept with more girls then you, and has been involved in "group sessions" its like you dont know them at all and thats the most disgusting part.

  • [-]
  • Boobies4thewin
  • 2 Points
  • 17:18:17, 25 November

You tend to remember details of life changing conversations. They seem to replay in your head in slow motion long after the event has ended.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 9 Points
  • 17:20:45, 25 November

"Life changing conversations" and "conversations one has when they are extremely upset/pissed/angry" are two very different things. Also - look at the timing on all of these posts. He's magically been transported home, had an intense conversation with the Mrs., AND came up to us and wrote it all up for our review - all in a very short time period. This is a troll.

  • [-]
  • TucoShakur
  • 3 Points
  • 17:46:55, 25 November

Do you believe everything you read on the internet?

  • [-]
  • Boobies4thewin
  • 7 Points
  • 17:55:59, 25 November

No, I don't but does that mean I should discredit a person who I don't know that could be telling us his true story.

Seriously if I couldn't turn to any family I would be finding a place to get all this shit out of my head.

Yeah he posted a story 14 hrs ago. Would have been late evening where I am the he posted shortly before lunch the next day. Hell, I have about 10 hotels within a 15 minute drive of my house.

Why is every far fetched story on reddit so quickly given the troll title?
Sometimes the most far fetched shit is real.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 6 Points
  • 17:58:31, 25 November

Yes, that's true. We don't know him, but what we do know is that he's constantly posting, but has yet to respond to anyone who is calling him a troll. Also, he goes from bashing his wife to asking people for help with his intimacy issues in the time span of 5 minutes. Which is it? And I totally agree with something else Tuco said - sounds like OP and SHITLORD are the same person.

  • [-]
  • Boobies4thewin
  • 5 Points
  • 18:07:58, 25 November

Ok so I actually went through posting habits and you are not on here calling troll all the time. ( you give some good advice, BTW). I am seeing how OP is picking and choosing which comments so maybe it is a troll.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 4 Points
  • 18:13:42, 25 November

Thanks. The only reason why I would call him/her out in this circumstance is because it seems like this thread turns into a vehicle for OP to get people fighting/name calling. Which I understand is the purpose of trolling, I just always appreciate it when I see others point it out correctly. Keeps me from getting worked up for no reason.

  • [-]
  • notorious_eagle
  • 1 Points
  • 02:53:43, 26 November

You want brutal truth, i will give it to you.

Your wife basically banged every guy right, left and centre as you stated in HS and College. After she was done doing that, she wanted to live the American Dream. A home, husband, kids and pets.

Thus, she found you and pretended to be someone she was not. She knew that women like her are great for one night stand, but are not the ones that guys marry. She wanted you to be the provider after she had lived her life. Selfishly, she was not interested in your feelings and was only concerned about herself. I think you were spot on for asking for a Paternity Test for your daughter, and in my opinion you should carry through with this demand.

The fact that she is only now willing to open up sexually after you have caught her red handed tells me how selfish she is. She is only interested in keeping her life stable while you provide for her. Since now you have rocked that stability, she is doing everything in her power to bring the stability back. She is using sex as a way to manipulate you into staying.

I think you have made the right call in ending this relationship. Trust me, you will be a lot happier without her. There is no way you can go back from this with your wife. Your marriage is never going to be the same. Its best if you both separate amicably instead of creating enmity. You deserve to be with someone that satisfies you sexually, why settle for anything less? You only live once, make it count buddy.

Best of luck to you

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 1 Points
  • 03:03:27, 26 November

Thank you dude, 99% of the retards here have done nothing but try to hurt and shame me. Thank you for being logical and fair.

  • [-]
  • notorious_eagle
  • 1 Points
  • 03:14:56, 26 November

Your welcome

Call your brother ASAP. You dont want to get screwed in the court. Keep in mind the courts are heavily biased towards women, so you have to play your cards right. Don't do anything stupid that would make you look vulnerable in court.

I will give you another honest advice. After your done with this divorce, go on a holiday. Go somewhere far far away, trust me you will be a complete new man fully charged. It will do you a lot of good, you need to get away from this toxic environment to get your head cleared.

Best of Luck for the Next Chapter in life

  • [-]
  • lapn
  • 17 Points
  • 17:10:38, 25 November

Ugh. Glad you're a troll.

I think in the next chapter of this story you should get a divorce.

  • [-]
  • fizif
  • -5 Points
  • 18:19:53, 25 November

He sounds like a jealous, spiteful high schooler.

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 5 Points
  • 21:05:09, 25 November

Naw that would be his alter-ego /u/SHITLORDHERE

  • [-]
  • Boobies4thewin
  • 5 Points
  • 17:16:23, 25 November

A separation is what I think you need.

I don't think an open marriage would work and as much as you say it I just don't get the feeling you want to end this just yet. Have her go to counseling, live separately, find a place with a month to month rental contract, give yourself time.

  • [-]
  • acech24
  • 5 Points
  • 17:32:09, 25 November

I feel like the original intentions of fixing the marriage is okay, but is an open relationship really the way to do it? After reading your post it sounds more like you just want a guilt free pass to sleep with other women just to spite your wife, so you come across as sounding very petty.

I feel like you should just go with a full on divorce and skip all this open marriage stuff. Yes you've been hurt, but don't stoop so low and try to hurt your wife as well. As it stands now, I really doubt you and your wife will ever be able to rekindle your marriage (don't blame you for that one, I'd be shellshocked as well). Please just proceed with the trial separation and cut the drama out.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 0 Points
  • 17:39:33, 25 November

I want to satay for my daughter. What do you suggest I do how do we ever overcome our intimacy problems?

  • [-]
  • acech24
  • 3 Points
  • 17:56:31, 25 November

You can still be a good father if you're divorced. But I'm guessing you will want to be there for your child the entire way. However, I'm not too sure about raising your child in such a broken relationship, not right now at least, since both you and your wife are pretty emotional at this stage.

As for your intimacy problems, I'm not sure you'll ever overcome them. It's almost like being cheated on. Not quite the same, but the damage is pretty much the same. Some relationships will recover, some won't. It's really how you go about fixing them. Like I said before though, I truly believe the open relationship arrangement will do more harm than good. So what if you get off with another girl the way you want to. Your wife will be harboring an ever growing resentment once she gets over her depressive state.

Trial separation is almost a necessity right now. You can't really look at your wife without bringing up memories of the tape, and your wife is just way too emotional right now. You guys should at the very least do the separation until you've had some time to seriously calm down and evaluate your feelings about each other. Any decision made now would be made in haste due to emotions running at an all time high.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 3 Points
  • 17:55:11, 25 November

Your daughter seeing you in an open marriage would probably be more confusing than a divorce would be. As a daughter of divorce, I'd always preferred to see my parents happy and separate than together and miserable.

You clearly want a healthy sex life and also to be there for your daughter, why bother keep the marriage at all, just move on and spend time with your daughter and move on from your wife.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 1 Points
  • 17:56:14, 25 November

Plenty of polyamarous people can have families.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 4 Points
  • 18:00:25, 25 November

Your wife does not appear to be polyamourous in any sense of the word. Its not polygamy if only one person is into it, it's an affair.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 0 Points
  • 18:10:54, 25 November

if she doesn't accept it than I am just moving through with a divorce.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 1 Points
  • 18:15:15, 25 November

I don't see why you don't just move for a divorce now, you seem very ignorant of your own situation.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 0 Points
  • 18:28:38, 25 November

we are going through I added an update.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 1 Points
  • 18:37:43, 25 November

I'm happy that communicating with your wife and this forum has led you to a resolution, albeit a tough one. I think as long as you try to remain cordial in front of your kid and families this should work out ok.

Best wishes in finding someone who suits you more thoroughly, you don't deserve unhappiness and neither does your wife.

  • [-]
  • chkadii
  • 5 Points
  • 18:25:44, 25 November

I can't imagine how frustrated and resentful you must feel right now. Please hear me out, as my advice is with your best interests in mind.

I don't think an open marriage will be as satisfying as you think it will be. For one, your position on the reason for your hurt mostly seems to be that she denied you the intimate acts she experienced with others, and you are the one who she should trust and share that intimacy with, if anyone. Opening the marriage will not grant you intimacy, it will only grant you sex. You won't have that emotional connection with outside partners, and the lack of it will cheapen the experience for you. Without the love that goes with it, it's just fucking someone with a different view. Two, if you do want an emotional connection with those positions, then you'll probably end up breaking your own open marriage boundaries. The biggest boundary rule is establishing a firm line between sex and emotional intimacy. Third, consider your dynamic with your wife (hang on, I'm not done yet!) The way you presented your solution (open marriage or divorce) there's no chance of moving forward together. She wants to work things out, but doesn't want to open the marriage. (I'm not saying to cave to what she eants, either) . She may agree to open the marriage out of desperation, but it will make her insecure. This will create an unbalanced dynamic where you hold all the power in the marriage. It may seem appealing now, but it will not be later on. Right now, your biggest challenge is that you won't be able to tell if she's involved in a sex act because she wants to be or if she's doing it out of guilt. If the marriage is opened against her wishes, you won't be able to know if anything she does is because she wants to, or because she is too insecure to say no. That will only make you insecure and bitter in turn- you might wonder if you are deserving of love or if you have to take empty gestures of affection by force. It isn't a good way to live, in my opinion.

I think you should take some time and think about what your needs are exactly. This part you may want to see a therapist for- not because you are wrong or damaged, just to help by giving you the vocabulary and tools to communicate to yourself and your wife how you feel. You'd be amazed at how nuanced emotions are. It may be a good idea to compartmentalize those feelings, too, so you can develop solutions that fit the "crimes." For example, you are upset because she lied about her past. Now your trust in her is gone. What is a solution for rebuilding trust? You are upset about the hypocrisy because she made you feel like you were wrong for your needs in bed, when she had had those experiences with others. Now you feel like you were withheld experiences without having the full story with which you two could communicate to get through it. What is a solution for communicating effectively? What can you do to reestablish intimacy between you two? The point is, if you want to save your marriage, you have to look at it as a marriage, not a period of time to get what's owed you and punish her. The actions you take need to have a goal, and that goal should be a happy and healthy marriage. Regardless of who has wronged the marriage, it will still take work from both of you to fix. The solutions will need to create results which fix whatever's lacking in the marriage now. Without a solid plan for moving forward and compromising over these plans, you run the risk of breeding even more resentment and hurt, and make the inevitable divorce that much worse. You may be too hurt and angry to respect her right now. That's okay. Take some time to think about what you really want. What's preventing the marriage from healing, who has the ability to change it? Could you ever forgive her or love her again?

If not, divorce her. Don't offer her a choice. Neither of those options will make her happy. One might make you happy, maybe, for a little while. If you would really rather get a divorce, put the dog to sleep instead of watching it bleed out. She will be upset, but she will eventually move on. You will be able to court as many women as you want, and have all the crazy sex you desire that you could have in an open relationship. But even better, you can have all that sex AND the opportunity to build emotional connections. Maybe you'll even find the future Mrs. You, who is a raunchy little sex kitten and open about her past. And you'll be able to let that relationship flourish, instead of going home to a desperate shell of a wife who you'll be angry with that night for not being the woman you fucked just hours before. Best of luck.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 3 Points
  • 18:33:19, 25 November

I realized the open marriage was a shitty idea. I am going through with a divorce, I called her and told her.

  • [-]
  • chkadii
  • 3 Points
  • 19:31:19, 25 November

Sorry it worked out that way, but I think you'll be better off in the long run with making a clean break. I know you aren't keen on counselors, but it might not be a bad idea to pop in for a session or two. Divorce isn't any easier even when it is the best option. Good luck.

  • [-]
  • BurningMist
  • 4 Points
  • 18:26:25, 25 November

You only seem to be looking for people to agree with you. Sure, the white knight posts are annoying but several users posted some good responses and essentially got told to bugger off. Frankly, if you are set on the open marriage or divorce route there really is no advice for us to give. You already made your choice.

Most of us agree that your wife hiding such a thing while avoiding the issue for 7 years is a rather shitty thing to do. You are well within your rights to divorce. She continually avoided coming clean about her past when it was negatively affecting your marriage. Being unsatisfied with your sex life is reason enough on its own to leave. An open marriage won't change things for the better because this was as much of a blow to your sexual worth as it was to your trust in your wife. All the open marriage will bring you is physical validation, it won't do shit to make you trust your wife again. The trust is gone and you understandably don't want to work with her to bring it back. End it!

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 3 Points
  • 18:33:50, 25 November

I am going through a divorce it's over.

  • [-]
  • polyinky
  • -5 Points
  • 19:23:02, 25 November

Dude, she got her rocks off by getting chain fucked. Who gives a shit? Where she did wrong was by not being truthful with you about it, because I'm sure she's fucking ashamed of it! You need to grow the fuck up and be understanding, that just because she was able to have some wild and crazy (and probably regretful) party-fucking, is no reason to throw everything away. Looks to me like you're just looking for an excuse and you found one. Just wait until you do something you regret and someone else rubs your nose in it.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 0 Points
  • 19:47:25, 25 November

i can stay with her anymore it's over.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 19 Points
  • 17:04:56, 25 November

I read your original post, and I think you're making some initial unfair assumptions about her motivations.

You assume that she doesn't engage with you that way because she's not attracted to you, or something along those lines. That kind of thinking is directly linked to the insecurity you're feeling about your discovery.

Have you ever considered that she doesn't want to engage those activities because of her own insecurities? Did you consider that engaging in those same activities again would force her to relive a time in her life where she was miserable? People feel guilty over treating themselves poorly too, and it seems to me that all along she has felt extremely guilty over her past, as well as insecure about her own "goodness" because of it. So, when you wanted to engage those activities, she resisted and felt ashamed to do them again, since it is linked in her mind to a time she feels extremely guilty and insecure about.

You assume she doesn't want to sleep with you, but this is patently false. She is sleeping with you, just not engaging in activities you want to try. It's those activities she doesn't want to do, and that's easily explainable by the fact she's clearly heavily ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty of her past when she did engage in those activities.

Furthermore, you claim that you perceive sex to be an expression of love and desire. If that's the case, then 1) an open marriage is doomed to fail, because something like that can only work if you can engage in sex entirely without an emotional context. Both you and your wife don't seem like the kinds of people that can separate your emotions from sex, so this won't help. This is about you trying to gain back your feeling of being masculine and top-dog, which is perfectly understandable- most guys in your position would feel the same way. But don't try and fool yourself into thinking this is about saving your marriage- it will destroy it, not save it.

2) She has never done those things with you. It seems patently ludicrous to say: "I've chosen to be with you for life, even though you don't do these things I would like. However, now that I know you've done them before, you must do them now or I'm leaving you." I could be wrong here, but it seems like you guys never had the kind of sex you wanted. Well, if it was that big of a problem, you shouldn't have married her. You did, which means it's entirely unfair for you to force an expectation that she change down her throat.

Yes, the lying is a big deal. She lied to you about her past. But instead of assuming the most malicious things possible, I think it's fair to give your wife of 7 years the benefit of the doubt and say it was because she was ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty. Furthermore, it is patently unfair for you to try and force her to engage like this now, when the last 7 years have apparently been at least acceptable for you. Lastly, opening your marriage will not help you deal with your emotional issues with this, it will not help her, and it will not help your marriage. All it will do will make you feel more confident in your sexual ego, which quite frankly, your wife did absolutely nothing to destroy. Your own assumptions based on your insecurities did.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -6 Points
  • 17:12:38, 25 November

WHY are you making excuses for her? You wouldn't for a man. He's handling this brilliantly. My hats off to him.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 7 Points
  • 17:14:54, 25 November

I would make the EXACT same excuses for a man. Gender is entirely irrelevant. How can you possibly make that assumption?

If by "handling this brilliantly" you mean "destroying his marriage," then sure! Look, if he wants to leave her, then he can leave her. However he shouldn't be lying to himself.

All I'm pointing out are his unfounded assumptions and the fact that his reasoning is being guided by his intense emotional reaction and insecurity, not careful reasoned thought about how to approach the situation.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -5 Points
  • 17:16:54, 25 November

There is nothing to destroy, his marriage is already over and he's right to require a DNA test and to require the changes he is. You're delusional and clueless. You ARE making excuses for her entirely based upon her gender, period, end of story, full stop.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 6 Points
  • 17:22:14, 25 November

Bahaha. I wonder what it's like to see the world in blatant black and white without nuance or reasoning.

Did I say he shouldn't ask for a DNA test? Sure. But I fail to see how because she engaged in certain actions prior to her marriage, that would make her a liar or cheater in the marriage. There is a completely logical inconsistently that is entirely based on assumptions that have their basis in his insecurity and fear, nowhere else.

I'd like for you to go ahead and actually point out where my reasoning is flawed. Please. You tell me I'm "delusional" and "clueless" and fail to explain why. Sorry bud, not good enough. End of story, full stop.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -1 Points
  • 18:27:59, 25 November

You're delusional, crazy, irrational, solipsistic, shrill, histrionic, bitter and angry. You're wrong, period, end of story, full stop. :) She's using sex as a bargaining/bartering chip and it's not working, anymore. He made the effort and she rebuffed him. Now that he found this illuminating tape her entire chaste/prude act has been exposed as an utter lie, along with many other things. He's smart. She's a liar and it's entirely possible that the child isn't his. She's been treating him like a life support system for his wallet. Nothing more. People like you (white knights, door mats, cuckolds, and fat angry feminists) are altogether too willing to excuse the actions and behavior of a woman at the expense of the man. Oh, the irony.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 3 Points
  • 18:31:34, 25 November

It must be hard for you to hate half of humanity. Exhausting.

Yup, still can't point out my flawed reasoning, just vague statements regarding women as a whole as well as her entire motivation without any basis in reality or logic. Swell.

Look, by all means, keep this going. It'll just make me look better by comparison.

>You're delusional, crazy, irrational, solipsistic, shrill, histrionic, bitter and angry.

Let's play a fun game called: compare the tone and content of my posts with yours.

Hey, what do you know- I win!

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -16 Points
  • 17:18:24, 25 November

reread

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 6 Points
  • 17:24:20, 25 November

I read it, for sure. She lied to you about her sexual history prior to the marriage. When you found out, she said she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to think she was a slut (which is clearly a reference to her own guilt and embarrassment).

You then proceed to make a series of unfounded assumptions, and attempt to open your marriage as if that will help solve the problem. That would help bandage your insecurity, but it won't help your marriage.

You either need to divorce your wife, or fix your marriage- putting it into an irrational limbo is not a reasonable solution by any stretch of the imagination.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -8 Points
  • 17:26:26, 25 November

I told her my conditions. She can comply or we can end it.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 22 Points
  • 17:30:12, 25 November

Your "conditions" are absurd at best.

Why are you on here? You post asking for advice. I give you perfectly legitimate advice to address the deeper insecurities both of you are dealing with that led to this problem, and all you do is try to completely justify your actions and perspective.

You're not looking for advice, you're not looking for help, you're looking for someone to tell you that your wife is a horrible human being and you deserve the sexual satisfaction of sleeping around to get back at her.

Well, sorry, I think like an adult, and approach situations with a level-head, so that's not what I'm going to tell you. What I'm going to tell you is that it seems likely your wife has only lied about her sexual history prior to meeting you, that this is a salvageable marriage if you make the effort, and that opening your marriage will doom it from the start.

If you didn't want to hear something other than what you want to hear, you probably shouldn't have posted this here.

  • [-]
  • Drmrfreckles
  • 5 Points
  • 17:38:45, 25 November

"reread"

I can't actually respond in a balanced or adult manner so I'm gonna suggest you reread my post cause clearly any sane person would agree with me, suuurrely im not being a horses ass.

Side note: very well said philosofreak

  • [-]
  • AmericanRed91
  • 19 Points
  • 16:59:11, 25 November

Just divorce her if that's what you need. Because she obviously isn't interested in an open relationship and you are only hurting her by blatantly saying "I need to have sex with other people and not you now". Also you are telling her that whatever she says in the future about sex with you will be untrue. You are not giving her a chance to explain or to actually be honest. In fact, you are DISCOURAGING her being honest in the future because you have said you WILL NOT believe her.

Have you even really let her explain why she lied about her sexual experiences? People do change over time about sex and what they like--it might be less about your inflated ego than you think. Take a second to me empathetic and view it through her eyes.

Good luck with everything.

  • [-]
  • daredevil82
  • 15 Points
  • 17:09:29, 25 November

>you are telling her that whatever she says in the future about sex with you will be untrue.

Can you blame him, though? She actively lied to him for years despite his attempts to expend their sex life. Then, when this tape is discovered, she magically develops the desire to do all that with him? I definitely do think that she is trying to use sex to bring him back in the relationship. He has seven years of her actions reinforcing how much she will be acting with him.

In a relationship, sexual enjoyment shouldn't be an act. I shouldn't have to pretend to do something that my SO likes, and vice versa. Sure, there are times that she or I request something that the other is not entirely a fan of but does enjoy the reactions, but that is once in a while and has the effect of spicing things up.

  • [-]
  • BlottoOtter
  • -10 Points
  • 18:02:32, 25 November

She lied, and it's entirely understandable why he's lost trust in his wife, but that doesn't excuse the terrible way in which he's handling this. Either end the relationship and get a divorce, or recommit to the marriage and work with her to rebuild that trust. Instead of picking one of those clear alternatives, he's dangling it over her head and demanding such ridiculous terms for their reconciliation that reconciliation isn't an option. It's a cowardly way of forcing her to end the relationship when he doesn't have the guts to make the decision himself.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 7 Points
  • 20:10:52, 25 November

> but that doesn't excuse the terrible way in which he's handling this.

whats so terrible about it? he wanted to have that kinky sex with her, but she had to play a good girl because SHE didnt want him to think of her as a slut. think about it. a married woman having sex with her husband makes her a slut, but having gangbangs, doing anal and BJs and lying about it to your husband and not fullfilling his desires and make him happy.. thats A OK?!

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 4 Points
  • 20:14:56, 25 November

I like the cut of your jib. Truer words were never spoken. She wants to engage in these fun sex acts, just with someone else, as long as he keeps paying the bills and doesn't ask questions or demand anything more than missionary with the lights out and her wearing a burka when they fuck.

  • [-]
  • BlottoOtter
  • 2 Points
  • 20:22:52, 25 November

No, it's not OK. I don't know where I ever said it was ok. He's got a right to be pissed. But I don't think it's OK to use that as justification to say "you're gonna let me fuck other women or else." I'd totally get it if he wanted to end the relationship, but either end it or don't.

I also wrote my comment before OP edited/updated his post. That whole bit after "It's over. We talked on the phone" wasn't there when I posted, and the post has a much less aggressive and more sympathetic tone now.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 3 Points
  • 20:26:07, 25 November

he wanted to stay in the marriage. however he needs sex.

the problem?

the sex they had was shit and doesnt fullfill him.

he doesnt want to do anything new in the bedroom anymore because he doesnt want her to do it out of duty or guilt. also he tried for 7 years and now suddenly she offers him "everything he wants". well, now its not because she wants it, its because she tries to use sex as a tool to keep him. thats not the kind of sex anybody wants, obciously.

so, having sex with other people is the only situation in which he can stay in the marriage.

  • [-]
  • BlottoOtter
  • 1 Points
  • 20:43:39, 25 November

>having sex with other people is the only situation in which he can stay in the marriage.

To many people, those are incompatible. Unless the marriage was founded as an open marriage, that kinda contradicts one of the core concepts of marriage. You don't get to change the rules in the middle of the game. Yes she broke the rules first, but that doesn't mean he should too. Two wrongs don't make a right.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 2 Points
  • 21:05:38, 25 November

he didnt break any rules. thats the only way he could stay and she can either accept or decline.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 4 Points
  • 19:42:48, 25 November

Surprise, surprise. Woman makes excuse for another woman's shitty behavior. :) Anything his wife would do from here on out would be grudgingly and pissed off, all while fondly remembering her days taking on the football team, getting fucking in the ass, blowing guys and wondering why her husband is not satisfied with missionary with the lights off.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 4 Points
  • 20:09:08, 25 November

> You are not giving her a chance to explain or to actually be honest.

she lied, so she doesnt have any credibility anymore.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 4 Points
  • 17:03:26, 25 November

She can decide for herself if divorce is the best option. How can I know the truth when it comes to sex, she lied for 7 years.

And stop attacking me for my emotions. Her rejection hurt me. You lack all empathy for me, I do empathize with my wife.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 0 Points
  • 17:18:56, 25 November

Lied about what? Let's get into this exactly. She told you she didn't want to do specific acts you wanted. The only way this could be a lie is:

  • She does enjoy those acts, but didn't want to do that with you.

Where is this assumption coming from?

  • She's done those acts before, therefore she must always enjoy those acts.

Hmm... that seems like a rather unfounded claim, doesn't it?

Just because she did something at a point in her life does NOT mean she will always enjoy doing so later. In fact, it's perfectly reasonable and common to stop doing something out of shame and embarrassment, which is exactly what your wife was trying to tell you, if you actually listened to her.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 4 Points
  • 17:20:50, 25 November

She lied to me about the number of partners she had previously. She told me she had sex with 1 guy before which was a complete lie.

Her words don't mean anything at this point, she is scrambling to say just about anything. All I have is her actions, and w/e shame and embarassment she had about those acts she put up with it for random men.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 5 Points
  • 17:27:26, 25 November

You're right, she lied! So let's deal with the lying right? That's what you want?

How is opening your marriage going to help you start trusting your wife? How will that help with the lying? Oh wait, it doesn't. It bandages your own sexual insecurity.

Does the DNA test help? Sure. That's actually relevant to lying, so you can start there.

>she is scrambling to say just about anything

Really? She's seemed awfully consistent to me. She told you she was ashamed of her past, she's not sleeping with anyone other than you in your marriage, she doesn't want to sleep with anyone other than you in your marriage, she is even willing to do those things she probably hates just to make you happy again. Wow, you're right, such scrambling.

If you don't trust your wife at all anymore, divorce her. If you do trust her at all, or want to trust her at all, you need to start working on that, which opening your marriage will not help with- it will only make it worse.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 4 Points
  • 20:13:31, 25 November

> How is opening your marriage going to help you start trusting your wife?

its not ment to help trusting him. its ment to fullfill his desires because he cant do that anymore with her, because he cant believe her anymore. when she said she wanted to do everything he wants from now on, he cant believe she realy does want it.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 1 Points
  • 20:18:20, 25 November

But if it's not meant to help with his marriage, he has no business staying in that marriage.

Look, if he wants to fuck around, fine. But he shouldn't be married doing it. If he really cannot trust her at all anymore, then divorce her.

But he's painting this as some method to help his marriage, and that's just silly.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 1 Points
  • 20:32:20, 25 November

he told her about the only way can stay with her and she is free to reject that option. she is an adult, she can decice for herself he doesnt have to make choices for her as he doesnt own her.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 0 Points
  • 20:38:03, 25 November

Last time I checked, he was posting to receive advice on how to approach the situation, not be told what he had to do.

Of course he can tell her that it's an ultimatum, and of course she's free to take it or leave.

And of course he might be entirely wrong in how he's approaching the situation, and if I advocate that point reasonably, the fact that she's free to take his offer doesn't mean that his approach is inherently flawed.

He's ignoring the real problem, acting based on his own overwhelming insecurity, and dissolving his marriage over a lie that could have been worked through by two reasonable people.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 3 Points
  • 20:42:41, 25 November

> He's ignoring the real problem, acting based on his own overwhelming insecurity,

see you blame it all on his feeling of inferiority when to me it seems to be about being played. she was a slut, then in order to get a husband pretended not to be a slut. the irony is that he wouldnt have cared about her being a slut.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -7 Points
  • 17:38:34, 25 November

reread.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • -3 Points
  • 17:46:24, 25 November

I want YOU to reread something.

>She: I didn’t want you to think I was a slut Me: I would have been perfectly fine if you told me, I would have loved to have done those wild things with you. Look I get it I don’t turn you on like those other guys do. You liked sucking their dicks but not mine. She: It’s not that, I didn’t want you to think less of me. Me: No it is exactly that, there is a thing lying about sleeping with other guys. It’s not that you didn’t like doing those things. You didn’t like doing them with me.

Oh look, you're acting EXACTLY the way I told you you were acting. Instead of believing her that she didn't tell you, and didn't do those thing with you, is because she was ashamed, embarrassed, and feeling guilty doing those things; you automatically assume some bullshit about her not wanting to do it with you.

You're having an intense emotional reaction being driven by your own insecurities. Your argument is illogical, your assumptions are unfounded.

>As I said before I wouldn’t care if she had a promiscuous past, seriously, wouldn’t care but the fact she did all those things for other guys but doesn’t do them for me hurts me the deepest.

Let me bold the important part: doesn't do them for me. That's your insecurity. You should be willing to accept that your wife never engaged with those actions ever again because they made them feel terrible about herself. Your wild assumptions are irrational and invalid.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 3 Points
  • 17:51:20, 25 November

She lied to me for 7 years. I am judging her by her actions and my own instincts. I am using my own instinct, I might be wrong. But do you blame me for not trusting her?

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • -1 Points
  • 18:02:56, 25 November

It's perfectly understandable to be distrusting right now.

What I want you to do, is take a second, and remove your insecurities from the situation.

I want you to acknowledge that believing the only reason she's not doing those things with you is because she's not attracted to you is a HUGE assumption on your part.

This will take time and effort to fix. What it needs is an open communication. The conversations you've posted have been extremely one-sided, with accusations from you, her trying to explain herself, you not listening, and then storming out.

If you want to actually fix this, you need to calm down. You need to give her a chance to explain herself. Your "instincts" right now cannot be trusted completely- they're not your instincts, they're your insecurities, and it's really easy to confuse them.

I'm going to tell you what's probably true:

  • She probably is extremely ashamed of her behavior before you
  • She probably feels guilty and ashamed engaging in those same behaviors
  • She probably didn't do those actions with you because they made her feel bad about herself
  • You are probably feeling very insecure with her not engaging with those actions with you
  • You're probably making assumptions from those insecurities

I need you to at least acknowledge that these are extremely plausible explanations. And while not harmless (she did lie, and that was wrong), as your wife, you're the first person that's supposed to try and understand what's going on. Is the lie bad? Yeah. Is it marriage-ending bad? Probably not.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 4 Points
  • 20:14:05, 25 November

> What I want you to do, is take a second, and remove your insecurities from the situation.

what makes you believe hes insecure about anything?

  • [-]
  • varisforge
  • 4 Points
  • 21:12:03, 25 November

Reading your posts are a huge waste of time. You have a position and have declared your allegiance to them. They are off topic, and coming from a "superior" position, like you are telling a child what is right and wrong. The guy is hurt, pissed, and rightfully offended with prejudice. You're actually taking time out of your day to tell him he is immature as well.

She didn't JUST lie. She created a false persona and lived that persona's life. She withheld her love an affections from her husband. She diminished his elan to preserve the persona she created. vidthrowawaya21 has never even met the mind behind the person he married. He has been effectively raped by a vampiristic shell of a woman who leeched his life from him until being staked through the heart by the truth of what she is fully capable of but couldn't admit without destroying the persona she had created.

IF she had come clean during their relationship, IF she had admitted the truth and just said, "I'm sorry. I've done those things before and, while I liked them at the time I feel embarrassed about that now and I don't feel comfortable ever doing them again." THEN he would have no right to be upset, because he would have still had the choice of ending the relationship amicably, or accepting his fate because his love for her was bigger than his disappointment.

You telling him to "fix" this is pedantic and sophomoric at best, but the icing on this cake is that you saying this comes from your world, your mind, your insights and all of that comes from breathing your own gasses for so long you don't know what fresh air feels like anymore.

Is it marriage ending bad? You say, "probably not". I say, "What marriage?"

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 1 Points
  • 18:12:09, 25 November

That's why I am willing to go through with an open marriage. I want to satisfy my desires with someone that wants to.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 4 Points
  • 20:12:26, 25 November

> She told you she didn't want to do specific acts you wanted

in reality she does want them, its just that she wanted to keep up the false image of herself she has created.

she also lied about her partners and about the acts she did. she did lie.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • -1 Points
  • 20:22:00, 25 November

>in reality she does want them

Really? So you're her friend right? Her diary? You know her internal desires and wants?

Oh, she did it before! Because clearly if you used to do something that means you always want to do something. People never start disliking things. Everyone always stays the same.

Yes, she lied. That is the problem here. That's what I've been saying all along. She lied about her sexual history before him, and that lie was wrong. It needs to be worked out, she needs to apologize and make amends.

But all of you people are making ridiculous assumptions that she enjoyed doing those things, she just refused to do it with him out of spite. Really? It's such a childish assumption. She clearly stopped doing those things because she didn't like doing those things anymore, and it made her feel embarrassed and guilty to do them. That's a reasonable and rational conclusion to make based the evidence presented here, not that she was some manipulative succubus that hid her real desires for 7 years, because for reasons nobody can explain...?

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 1 Points
  • 22:51:47, 25 November

> Yes, she lied. That is the problem here. That's what I've been saying all along. She lied about her sexual history before him, and that lie was wrong. It needs to be worked out, she needs to apologize and make amends.

the problem is that now he doesnt want her to do anything new or different anymore. he doesnt believe that she will do it because she wants it but because she is trying to get him to stay. after he has confronted her she suddenly offered to do all those things he always wanted. she is using sex as a tool not as an expression of her lust/ desire/ love for him.

he feels played and betrayed and it looks like not willing to forgive.

>She clearly stopped doing those things because she didn't like doing those things anymore

you have no bases for your claims. from OP we know that she, herself said: she did it so that he hoesnt see her as a slut and that now she is willing to do whatever.

  • she kept the video

that doesnt suggest that she didnt enjoy it.

>because for reasons nobody can explain...?

she didnt want him to see her as a slut. that was her reason.

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • -1 Points
  • 22:56:55, 25 November

Firstly, does OP even have a VCR? Who watches tapes anymore? There's a very good change it was kept in a box bc she didn't even realize what it was. Home movies get lost all the time, that isn't evidence of anything.

My argument is backed by the fact that she went at least 7 years not being a slut while married to her husband. That's some solid proof.

  • [-]
  • nominalgeek
  • 2 Points
  • 23:58:33, 25 November

You don't misplace that VHS tape of your first gang bang...

  • [-]
  • philosofreak
  • 1 Points
  • 00:53:45, 26 November

If it's an unmarked tape with no VHS (and who has had one for the last 10 years) then yeah, I don't see why not.

Either way, he didnt give her a chance to explain, did he?

  • [-]
  • nominalgeek
  • 1 Points
  • 01:50:43, 26 November

In 7 years... Sitting in a box in the attic...

You're saying a stay at home wife with one child wouldn't have the time to try to find that dirty little secret?

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -10 Points
  • 17:14:28, 25 November

You're doing the right thing. Many here are excusing your wife's actions merely because she's a woman. If the shoe was on the other foot, they'd be acting like the village people with torches and pitchforks screaming for your head. That's how myopic and delusional they are.

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • 3 Points
  • 19:10:30, 25 November

The down votes prove your point.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 2 Points
  • 19:19:56, 25 November

I know. The OP will be much better off DTMFB. She used him and treated him as a life support system for a wallet. I hope he gets what he wants.

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • 2 Points
  • 19:31:58, 25 November

Took me a second to get that second acronym. Going to have to remember that one! :-)

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 1 Points
  • 19:55:10, 25 November

I truly wish him well. She's a piece of shit. She used him and lied to him. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this story repeated by guys and people wonder why the divorce rate is 50% +. She'd corn hole him in a NY minute. I'm waiting for her to accuse him of: Domestic violence/assault, molesting his child or some other outrageous accusation to fuck him over. I have 2 friends paying more than $25K a month in spousal support, AFTER the settlement of the divorce.

  • [-]
  • Arriettys_mom
  • 9 Points
  • 17:47:05, 25 November

I'm almost POSITIVE that user SHITLORDHERE is the same person as OP.

Inb4 "all of reddit is just you and me"

  • [-]
  • Drmrfreckles
  • 11 Points
  • 17:35:52, 25 November

Man I'm glad this is fake, but the guy in this story is a complete and utter PoS and a little entitled bitch. Clearly the woman has issues of guilt associated with sex do to earlier sexual actions in her life and rather then helping her over come them the man in this story is throwing them in her face getting held up on one little lie as if he himself is some paragon of truth and all that is good in humanity.

This is a good test exercise, clearly the correct answer would be for him to grow some balls, swallow his pride and fix the mess he's in without feeling entitled to multiple partners. But mostly im just proud of this sub reddits ability to spot bs or at least go against the OP when he is being an unreasonable child/bitch. Bravo.

  • [-]
  • JordanChand
  • 5 Points
  • 20:06:27, 25 November

OP, I see you have already made your choice.

I just wanted to post and express my agreement with your course of action. It seems like most of the people that have replied do not seem to realize that the impact that this video has had on you is extremely important to the stability of your relationship.

I wish the best for you and your child.

  • [-]
  • pheonixignition
  • 2 Points
  • 21:12:07, 25 November

Hey man, I understand everything you are going through. This is really fucking hurtful and painful for you. I've been there, actually. If you want your marriage to work, if you want to actually enjoy doing those things with your wife in a fulfilling and meaningful way, then please go to a counselor together.

Your wife may feel incredibly guilty about that whole situation. You say you love your wife, but I say this as someone who's faced what you have faced: don't act like a spoiled child. You may find out that knowingly causing hurt to the woman you love just to feel like your equal was not as fun as you thought.

Think this through, go to a counselor. Right now you are not thinking rationally because you are hurting. Calm down, and think about what you truly want.

  • [-]
  • doomchimp
  • 7 Points
  • 17:35:35, 25 November

Dude you're acting like a fucking control freak and a moron. If you're having trouble realising it, reread.

  • [-]
  • Belsher
  • 5 Points
  • 18:01:38, 25 November

If it looks like a troll, reads like a troll and speaks like a troll, then it probably is a troll.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • 12 Points
  • 17:11:27, 25 November

I hope she divorces you, because you are honestly being unreasonable here.

I also hope she gets full custody of your child.

She never cheated on you, and your refusal to believe her comes from your insecurity.

You don't want to sleep with other people to get those "urges" taken care of. You want to cheat on her with her full knowledge to hurt her in the same way she "hurt" you.

You say you empathize with your wife... but that is the most blatant lie in this entire ordeal.

  • [-]
  • sukmyditka
  • 7 Points
  • 19:16:13, 25 November

> your refusal to believe her comes from your getting misled and lied to about her prudishness for 7 years.

Fixed.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • -11 Points
  • 19:23:09, 25 November

No.... you just put your opinion over mine.

Not fixed.

  • [-]
  • sukmyditka
  • 4 Points
  • 19:37:37, 25 November

Yes it is fixed.

And how an upvoted comment could be wishing for someone else to get full custody of the OP's child blows my mind... heartless, shows you're a fucking idiot along with the rest of this sub of cunts.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • -2 Points
  • 19:40:00, 25 November

Nope. Still your opinion against mine.

My opinion does not reflect yours.

  • [-]
  • sukmyditka
  • 1 Points
  • 19:42:09, 25 November

I came here to fix it to be right. I clearly don't give a rat's ass about your opinion.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • 2 Points
  • 19:43:02, 25 November

Opinions cannot be right or wrong.

You haven't fixed my comment to be right because it is an opinion.

Have a good day.

  • [-]
  • sukmyditka
  • 0 Points
  • 19:46:19, 25 November

> Opinions cannot be right or wrong.

Subjectively they can't. Objectively they can. You are a stupid cunt for wishing someone to lose full custody of his child. That's my objective opinion, and it's right.

Have a good one.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • 0 Points
  • 19:47:37, 25 November

If you say so, Oh Great Master of Insults.

  • [-]
  • cakepiebrownie
  • 3 Points
  • 22:45:23, 25 November

Let me guess... you're an insane cat lady who works a minimum wage job.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -14 Points
  • 17:17:34, 25 November

Reread.

  • [-]
  • elliemaeberry
  • 5 Points
  • 17:20:44, 25 November

No sympathy for you.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 5 Points
  • 17:46:13, 25 November

Our reading comprehension is not the issue here.

  • [-]
  • mang0lassi
  • 12 Points
  • 17:12:02, 25 November

You're a fucking asshole. You're the one guilting and shaming her for something that happened years prior. Seriously, calling your own wife a whore because she had a certain kind of sex in her past, and you're butthurt that she changed (as people do) and doesn't want to do it for you? Then you refuse to work with her on it, instead demanding an open relationship or else. Sounds like you care more about your own dick than anything else. She'd be better off without you, if your plan is to call her a slut and cheat on her until she divorces you. News flash: it's only an open relationship if both people agree to it. Otherwise you're just another cheating piece of shit.

  • [-]
  • jlasoreilly
  • 3 Points
  • 21:00:37, 25 November

Obviously she wasn't a whore. There is no evidence that she was paid and even if she was, there is a video of it meaning she would be considered a type of actress.

  • [-]
  • mang0lassi
  • 2 Points
  • 23:36:09, 25 November

I never said she was, I was disgusted that OP would call his wife one when, as you said, there is absolutely no evidence of it. OP is just being a slut shaming douche.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -10 Points
  • 17:17:11, 25 November

Reread.

  • [-]
  • l4n
  • 3 Points
  • 18:05:22, 25 November

It's possible she made a huge mistake in the way she chose to redo her reputation.

I'm guessing you were sex starved in multiple ways. You've not really detailed it. You feel gamed perhaps? Not only the quality/variety being missing but the quantity too over the years?

You might get more empathy from the redditors that are dissing you if you went into that, instead of dwelling on your anger and detailing your arguments after the confrontation...

  • [-]
  • maik2013
  • 4 Points
  • 18:51:47, 25 November

It's unbelieveable that people defend that woman. unbelievable.

  • [-]
  • stimpakk
  • 3 Points
  • 17:50:05, 25 November

Everyone, please be aware that numerous posters from /r/theredpill and /r/mensrights are present here. I'm going to bow out of this discussion seeing as I find these people reprehensible.

Edit: OK, reading the new replies, it's clear to me that OP is a fucking troll. Goddamnit, haven't been trolled like this in ages. If this is a master troll, then he's also managed to rile up both subs mentioned above too.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • -1 Points
  • 23:00:21, 25 November

> Everyone, please be aware that numerous posters from /r/feminism are present here. I'm going to bow out of this discussion seeing as I find these people reprehensible.

  • [-]
  • Smokeahontas
  • 2 Points
  • 20:36:59, 25 November

I've read both your posts, and honestly dude, you sound like a complete ass.

My view of this situation is you stumbled onto this tape and became enraged, and now you're trying to guilt your wife into an open marriage as a way of getting back at her for something she did in the past that you don't like.

Everyone has a past. Everyone has done things they are ashamed of.

  • [-]
  • Biggest_boss
  • 0 Points
  • 00:16:23, 26 November

She was so ashamed that she kept the tape for all these years to remind her of said shame. (People actually think and believe this apparently)

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -2 Points
  • 23:38:15, 25 November

reread.

  • [-]
  • Smokeahontas
  • 2 Points
  • 00:32:59, 26 November

Yeah man, I read it. Rereading it isn't going to change my opinion that you're an ass.

  • [-]
  • heavyss
  • 1 Points
  • 21:50:52, 25 November

As a married man, I wouldn't involve family. Keep it to yourselves but see a Marriage sex counselor. You both love each other and want to continue the marriage. A counselor help you come terms with self realization. They bring what you both know to the surface to you both can come to a mutual understanding. They help important conversations run the course and not get off on a tangent. You both will have to be totally open and honest and expose what you really want from each other. Isn't your marriage worth money and total exposure? Mine is.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -1 Points
  • 23:36:59, 25 November

I am going through a divorce, I will only tell my brother the details regarding it.

  • [-]
  • heavyss
  • 1 Points
  • 00:28:10, 26 November

Well, if you have decided on divorce then things have changed. Im sorry to hear that. I was thinking about if you did stay together and had to face your family as a couple and them know what happened, how they would look and probably judge her, at least in their heads. That would wreck me if it was me and my wife. Best of luck to you!! Looks like you have plenty of support, at least here.

  • [-]
  • rjthomas
  • 1 Points
  • 01:28:58, 26 November

You need to listen to Tom Leykis because you clearly reached a point of no return. The only thing that matters is whether you can take care of your children, and make sure they are not emotionally scarred through the divorce process.

  • [-]
  • Dnuts
  • 1 Points
  • 02:30:55, 26 November

I suppose to a certain extent society can shame women for behaving in ways that are deemed "whorish" or "slutty". Your wife may have chosen to hide her past to keep up the appearance of being a "nice girl". It's an honest mistake on one level. But on another level it begs the question of why she would put such a strain on a marriage for over seven years by withholding what she "now" claims to be her "true" sexual desires. Weird to say the least,, but I don't know your wife and it's not completely unheard of for people to make long term stupid choices in any relationship.

You feel hurt and betrayed and you have every right to be. I know I would be. But is there any possibility that maybe the open marriage demand is a reaction to alleviate the emotional betrayal you feel? If not I would really recommend you take a step back for awhile (weeks or months maybe) to assess the situation and to allow the impact of the raw emotions you feel to subside. In these kinds of fucked up situations I tend to ask myself, "What would I feel in her position?" If you were in her position would you feel like you don't deserve a a second chance? Maybe or maybe not. Either way you're in the right to do what your doing and don't let anyone tell you differently. But at least be smart and don't let your emotions cloud your judgement to a point where you potentially fuck yourself out of the best possible future for yourself with or without your wife.

I gotta say 50% of the comments for both posts are either beyond unhelpful or borderline retarded. Some of you people need to stick to lurking and keep your asinine commentary to yourselves.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 1 Points
  • 02:45:51, 26 November

I am divorcing her it's over.

  • [-]
  • TucoShakur
  • 2 Points
  • 17:50:10, 25 November

Please I request the op to actually read each reply thoroughly. If you do not understand the replies then please do not respond to them.

Op please reread.

  • [-]
  • ummmdude
  • -1 Points
  • 17:54:16, 25 November

Divorce her so she can be spared your company.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 2 Points
  • 17:56:24, 25 November

she can make that choice herself.

  • [-]
  • ummmdude
  • 0 Points
  • 19:43:45, 25 November

You're involved in this too. You're the one making the ultimatum.

  • [-]
  • slippery_people
  • 1 Points
  • 19:54:51, 25 November

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. She perpetrated a fraud on your marriage and the relationship is likely unredeemable as you appear to recognize. Good luck.

  • [-]
  • TUKINDZ
  • 0 Points
  • 20:25:24, 25 November

It's tough call either way. Staying means a long road of mistrust, reluctant sex and resentment. Going means a long road of custody battles, divorce proceedings and resentment.

Either way, this is a sad outcome. I feel for you man. I wish you'd chosen to separate for a month or two first to see how you feel after time has passed. Maybe with enough time you'll both move on enough and get back together, but frankly you made the choice that felt right for you.

  • [-]
  • keithcelt
  • 1 Points
  • 21:03:20, 25 November

Go to marriage counseling, plenty of people have been and it helped them. You are not unique.

Do not open up your marriage. "Opening" your marriage without her consent will destroy what you have and probably ruin your future with her.

You definitely need individual help for your feelings.

Your wife hid her past, it was before you met her. She misled you about exactly one thing and explained herself. That one lie about her past has no reflection on her behavior in the relationship. She's been really honest, clear, and consistent since you confronted her.

Sorry, but you are 100% wrong on this one. I hope you don't do anything rash. It sounds like you are throwing away something really great.

Also, show her this thread.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -2 Points
  • 22:14:11, 25 November

i am divorcing her it's over.

  • [-]
  • nigelthecat
  • -3 Points
  • 23:31:29, 25 November

Good for you for thinking about how this will affect your daughter. Throwing away her family in a day's time with zero effort to keep it together. Father of the year over here.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 0 Points
  • 23:38:55, 25 November

I don't have faith nor do I trust my wife. For those reasons I am out.

  • [-]
  • nigelthecat
  • -4 Points
  • 23:47:21, 25 November

Yeah, because t's all about you. Who cares about some kid?

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 1 Points
  • 02:54:01, 26 November

So, we've established you're a clueless and delusional. Good to know!

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • 1 Points
  • 23:58:38, 25 November

don't try to shame me.

  • [-]
  • nigelthecat
  • -3 Points
  • 00:06:27, 26 November

Well, somebody should. You haven't even mentioned your daughter once. You care more about yourself than you do about her.

  • [-]
  • mykart
  • 4 Points
  • 01:20:08, 26 November

The best thing for a child is for their parents to be happy. That doesn't necessarily mean they should be together.

  • [-]
  • nigelthecat
  • 0 Points
  • 01:35:28, 26 November

I agree with this, but he hasn't even tried. It's been like a day. If they were happy before, there's a chance they could get there again. Marriage is hard. You can't just jump ship every time something goes wrong. He took vows. And he owes it to his kid to at least try. If they go to counseling and he still feels this way in a few months, then yes, divorce is the way to go. But not even trying? That's shitty. Not that any of this matters. As others have pointed out, this guy is obviously trolling us to get everyone riled up. He's done a good job of it, to be honest.

  • [-]
  • LasherDeviance
  • 1 Points
  • 03:30:31, 26 November

It hasn't been a day, it's been like seven years that his wife has been trolling him.

  • [-]
  • nigelthecat
  • 2 Points
  • 23:27:52, 25 November

You don't seem remotely concerned about how all of this will affect your child...

  • [-]
  • mykart
  • 1 Points
  • 01:09:33, 26 November

Your wife sounds like a headcase. Don't look back.

  • [-]
  • SilvrSurfer
  • -2 Points
  • 17:39:40, 25 November

Given you're reaction, it's no wonder she felt the need to cover it up.

Each time I read your posts I have less sympathy for you and your situation.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -14 Points
  • 17:01:01, 25 November

You're doing the right thing. Don't budge. She's treated you poorly and lied, continuously. Plan and prepare for divorce and good luck to you. She's going to try to make this all your fault, and it's not. I hope you kept copy of that tape, you'll need it. You have the advantage, press it. Most men would give their right arm to have the advantage and upper hand you have.

  • [-]
  • cowhisperer
  • -1 Points
  • 17:23:18, 25 November

What the fuck did she do wrong? You guys are insane, I can imagine him being upset over this but he is being an insane, unreasonable bastard.

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • 4 Points
  • 19:16:46, 25 November
  1. Lied about her past.
  2. Held out exciting sexual situations which she herself should have been down for as per the gang bang tape.

Fuck that shit. You find out a seven year lie, you don't stick around to allow more un-truth to pile up.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 1 Points
  • 18:07:04, 25 November

So, you're delusional and batshit crazy. Good to know for future reference.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 2 Points
  • 20:22:57, 25 November

she lied about it. she told him she had only sex with 1 other man. and why? to appear more desirable to him. thats manipulation. she created a false image of herself so that he will desire to be with her. instead of being honest and finding a man who would be ok with her past ( the irony is that Op would have been ok with it)

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • -2 Points
  • 17:56:59, 25 November

How in hell is him having the tape necessary? It's not proof of adultery so I have no idea why it would be needed in any court case or divorce proceeding.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -2 Points
  • 18:17:08, 25 November

You have no idea what you're talking about. It would be quite useful in divorce negotiations and a 730 Psychological Evaluation. It has nothing to do with adultery and you lack the ability to objectively see how useful it can, and would, be. Obviously, she wouldn't want the tape to be part of a file in a divorce case. :) You're being ridiculous but, I'm sure, that's a common occurrence for you.

PS: It's very common for women to use sex to bargain/barter with but he has the upper hand now.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • -2 Points
  • 18:20:48, 25 November

Please tell me what the tape means in terms of divorce negotiations, I am genuinely intrigued and interested. She wasn't a virgin before marriage? That's all I can tell.

  • [-]
  • mordanus
  • 4 Points
  • 18:57:06, 25 November

Maybe he could use it as an explanation of how their marriage was based on her lying to him and how she continued to lie to him. He could probably also say that she withheld sex from him after giving it freely to others and so never loved him and married him for other reasons. I don't know if any of those reasons would be useful in court (never been in a courtroom actually), just playing devils advocate.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 0 Points
  • 19:09:35, 25 November

I appreciate your being devils advocate but will say that I also doubt your arguments validity in court. I don't see this as withholding if this type of behavior was not established with the OP pre marriage. Because he did not know of it there should be no reasonable expectation. He did however, know of her lackluster sexual style going into it, which is why I find it to be a fault on his side that he thought he could change her.

Because it predates the marriage and does not conflict with fidelity, I find the video irrelevant in court.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 2 Points
  • 19:28:04, 25 November

Lawyer here - you're right Susan. It's not grounds for any form of fraud (most of the case law regarding fraud and sexual history involves when one party is unable to have sex and knowingly withholds that information pre-marriage). And SHITLORD's argument about how it would be relevant to a 730 psych eval (which is totally specific to whichever jurisdiction he's in) is true-ish. No matter what jurisdiction, the court will consider the best interests of the child above anything else. That may include prior sexual history. But the tape is pre-marital, pre-daughter's birth, which is important seeing that OP wants an open marriage now. If OP wants to use the tape to question his wife's fitness as a mother, he better be ready for the consequences of requesting an open marriage. There is no family court judge out there who is going to think that's ok. But all of this is really quite moot - OP is a troll.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 0 Points
  • 19:32:31, 25 November

Thanks for replying with something more substantial than insults, I appreciate tactful responses.

While I get that that they're trolling, I do so enjoy challenging them. At least I learned two new words from his first response, he must be real busy with that dictionary.

  • [-]
  • mordanus
  • 1 Points
  • 21:08:53, 25 November

yeah I mostly wanted to comment on the post to save it for me. I agree with you

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -1 Points
  • 18:38:44, 25 November

Please stop and stay in the makeup and celebrity forum(s). You're only making yourself look more myopic, histrionic, irrational and logically/factually and intellectually challenged that you obviously, already are.

  • [-]
  • UnsuddenlySusan
  • 2 Points
  • 18:41:22, 25 November

Why can't you answer my question? Unless, you yourself know nothing of what you're talking about.

Indulge me.

  • [-]
  • ummmdude
  • -2 Points
  • 19:32:29, 25 November

The tape is not relevant to any divorce proceeding. Keeping a copy would be a horrible plan for many reasons.

  • [-]
  • Jewjubez
  • -4 Points
  • 19:35:49, 25 November

You're a damned moron. I spent the entirety of my last night making up to my fiancé - previously I've been in extremely manipulative and abusive relationships , ended up getting an ultimatum of "let me see your phone or were done". (There was a series of comically mishandled events leading up to this , culminating in this event. We were both wrong.)

Now, I never cheated, did anything untoward, whatever. I love my woman - as you claim to - and of the core tenets of this is that I will not stop chasing her as long as we have a chance. That's the key to marriage; life really - likely you being a narrow minded prickbag who's dumping sexual butthurt all over his wife.

So slept with more than one person, so what? You seriously give that much of a shit as a middle aged man? Like is this Victorian England? Grow the fuck up, old sport, as they say.

I the scheme of things as far as I can tell roll like this: - your insecure because you think you're unattractive , by your wife's opinion

This part is important : the biggest rule of being attractive is to actually be attractive. If you were, you wouldn't be endeavoring under this delusion that you're going to go out and start smacking that HOT LOCAL DATES FOR YOU website like Ike beat Tina.

  • you suffer from rampant narcissism

You swore to love and cherish this woman through thick and thin. You goddamn insecure coward can't even handle the thought of actually dealing with your issues via adult communication, as seen by your own admission and your very concrete responses down here. Congratulations, high school called, they want you to finish your gr 10.

You know what? I could go all day. You're going to remember this in a couple years, after weeks of answering bullshit w4m ads on craigslist, feeling that POF ain't for you. Probably start picking up from AA, god knows you'll be a bitter, dark, insecure, full of hatred and anger alcoholic in a few. Try not to get married next time, doesn't look like your cut out for actual work. Enjoy 'lasting love', send me an invite when you and your hand hitch up.

TL;dr - why work on things when you can give up? Cowards always win, because they don't play the game. Congrats on getting this tape business from before your damn marriage to make it end it ; try flipping the table before you have kids next time.

PS - god you selfish douche. Fucking think of your child. Wait, you can't, because you're convinced Allah will be waiting for you with 99 virgins at the end of the divorce. Hope you get nothing, you disgusting, worthless, coward. Empathy? Imagine knowing your life's work - your family - being ripped apart because of something literally completely irrelevant to both the situation and of any relevance. Maybe you're so sexually repressed you forgot the golden rule?

Jack off before you make a decision.

Douche.

Edit - PPS YOURE LOSING YOUR GOLDEN TICKET TO COITUS YOUR WIFE, WHO IS MOST ASSUREDLY ATTRACTED TO YOU, ANY WAY AND HAVE A GLORIOUS SEXUAL AWAKENING, REKINDLING BOTH YOUR FEELINGS. GROW. UP.

Typed on Alien Blue on mobile! Sorry for errors :)

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 1 Points
  • 20:21:06, 25 November

> So slept with more than one person, so what

she lied about it. she told him she had only sex with 1 other man. and why? to appear more desirable to him. thats manipulations. she created a false image of herself so that he will desire to be with her. instead of being honest and finding a man who would be ok with her past ( the irony is that Op would have been ok with it)

on top of it maintaining that false image was more important to her than fullfill her husbands desires.

>your insecure because you think you're unattractive

of course he feels insecure when his wifes treats him like she doesnt enjoy having sex with him and refuses to do anything about it. and then he finds out she was willing to do all sort of things with others. with him its duty sex.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -2 Points
  • 19:46:29, 25 November

reread my post.

  • [-]
  • Jewjubez
  • 1 Points
  • 19:55:04, 25 November

No, there is nothing intelligent in that response. Honestly - don't care if you are troll, if not, worth it. There is nothing further to understand.

Cheers, nobody

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • -7 Points
  • 20:05:56, 25 November

Yeah you kinda come off as a controlling asshole.

Take your bullshit elsewhere.

Assuming you're not a troll, I feel bad for your wife.

Edit: >Wife has a skin condition that my insurance has been covering...I will use this as a bargaining chip in divorce arrangements, if she won't grant me joint custody, or won't do a fair split of assets.

removed angry language that was inappropriate

Who the fuck holds someone's health hostage to their petty demands?

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • 1 Points
  • 20:25:35, 25 November

And you sound exactly as you are.........a pathetic white knight, doormat loser and who is an apologist for the bad behavior of women in a desperate, furtive attempt to lose your virginity to nearest knothole or corpulent feminist who will have you.

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 1 Points
  • 20:29:06, 25 November

Oh hey OP it's your second account!

waves

Thanks for playing!

PS: I have an amazing relationship with a woman who loves me and everything is going fabulously. It feels so good to be with someone trustworthy and amazing in every sense of the word. Just remember I'm happy and you're not.

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -1 Points
  • 20:35:39, 25 November

Sorry, cupcake, I support OP and what he's doing. Your mother doesn't count as a "relationship". Lol You delusional loser.

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 0 Points
  • 20:37:16, 25 November

I'm the loser yet all you can do is reply with a "your mom" comeback circa middle school?

  • [-]
  • SHITLORDHERE
  • -3 Points
  • 20:49:03, 25 November

If the shoe fits............It's entirely appropriate in your case. I'd love to see just how ginormous your "girlfriend" is or if you're calling your Xbox your girlfriend. Lol

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 3 Points
  • 21:00:09, 25 November

And now we've moved on to "fat girlfriend" jokes which you yourself laugh at in real time.

You've shown your age/maturity pretty clearly here.

I'm done with the thread now, but feel free to keep going if it makes you feel better.

  • [-]
  • vidthroweawaya21
  • -1 Points
  • 20:10:59, 25 November

you sound like a white knight or an ugly feminist.

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 2 Points
  • 20:23:09, 25 November

Haha dream on. Your petty attempt at demeaning makes my point no less valid.

I never said she was right, but it's clear from your reaction that you have many more issues to deal with. Reacting almost any other way would be preferable than demanding conditions on your relationship designed solely to hurt the person you supposedly love.

You are crazy.

Edit: Changed the verbiage to reflect the fact that my response was to the winner Mr OP himself.

  • [-]
  • RequiemForAWednesday
  • 0 Points
  • 20:45:56, 25 November

Psst... hey troll, you accidentally used the same stupid "white knight" line using both of your accounts. If you're going to keep doing this, at least keep it interesting.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • -1 Points
  • 23:01:51, 25 November

> Actually I take it back. You are the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

because he wants joint custody of his child. that makes him a piece of shit? are you insane?

>Who the fuck holds someone's health hostage to their petty demands?

after he divorced her, her health is her problem alone.

  • [-]
  • entalong
  • 0 Points
  • 00:08:21, 26 November

you're correct i went overboard.

regardless, it's low of him to use her health as a bargaining chip.

i wouldn't want my child with this man either...