I may have raped my boyfriend last night. Help. (self.sex)

{sex}

137 ups - 58 downs = 79 votes

Hey, r/sex. I think I may have inadvertently raped my boyfriend last night. I'm not sure if he remembers or not. We were both pretty drunk last night. When we got home he passed out with an erection. I promptly took advantage. This morning I feel weird and guilty about it. I'm not sure how and whether I should talk to him about it… I don't know whether he remembers so talking about it may cause more problems than it solves…. help.

185 comments submitted at 14:24:49 on Dec 1, 2013 by GuiltyBunny

  • [-]
  • Maxxters
  • 116 Points
  • 15:18:27, 1 December

Talk to him about it. I've been with partners who have initiated sex with me while I was asleep and I was 100% fine with it (I'm a woman). I've done the same to some male partners, although they all woke up and we continued. Some people would be totally fine with what you did and others wouldn't. I would hazard a guess that within the context of a dating relationship, where you've had (consensual) sex multiple times that most people wouldn't be offended, regardless of gender.

  • [-]
  • souponastick
  • 36 Points
  • 16:00:22, 1 December

But that's something you talk about before you do it. I had a conversation with an ex and he wanted to be woken up with head. I said "I'd never thought of that...and I wouldn't mind being woken up with something along those lines". Within the next few days he woke me up to penetration. It was hot as hell, but I don't think I would have been all that up for it without the conversation prior to.

  • [-]
  • Maxxters
  • 14 Points
  • 16:08:11, 1 December

Yup, definitely something that should be discussed beforehand, no doubt. But sometimes it's not and that's when it's important to revisit the issue and have the discussion after so you can both be on the same page from now on.

  • [-]
  • Kaelteth
  • 25 Points
  • 15:24:02, 1 December

Despite my comment above to make a point, I agree with you entirely. When you're in a relationship where you have had consensual sex multiple times, there is a level of "implied consent" in the relationship.

  • [-]
  • SenorSpicyBeans
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:25, 1 December

> there is a level of "implied consent" in the relationship.

That's a huge assumption. There are plenty of relationships out there that have had plenty of sex, but one party still 'controls the flow', so to speak, of when and how it happens.

I knew a guy who was with a girl for over four years, and they probably fucked thousands of times over that span. But had anything like this happened, you can be damn sure she would have freaked the fuck out and called the cops.

So maybe there was a level of implied consent between OP and her boyfriend, maybe there wasn't. We don't know without being one of those two people, and the OP didn't offer that. Her feelings of guilt following what she did imply to me that no such feeling existed prior to this.

  • [-]
  • sfengi
  • 1 Points
  • 19:48:30, 1 December

She seems fucking insane

  • [-]
  • VaginalAssaultRifles
  • 2 Points
  • 17:16:45, 1 December

Hahaha, yeah, as long as you're a woman. If she was a man, they'd have already lynched her by now for not getting an "enthusiastic consent" form notarized and witnessed by at least two parties.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 3 Points
  • 17:23:05, 1 December

Thank you for the requisite "double standards!" comment. This wouldn't be a discussion on /r/sex without it.

  • [-]
  • froggymorning
  • 1 Points
  • 19:27:34, 1 December

But it is accurate, and important to bring it up to continue to raise awareness so we can let go of our damaging negative stereotypes. Of course men should be accorded the same respect as women, though they are too often, not.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 19:44:43, 1 December

But in this case I don't see many double standards in the serious replies. Most of the serious comments have talked about rape completely absent of gender, and bringing up the unfairness of male-female rape mechanics as a response to those is not relevant to this discussion.

  • [-]
  • souponastick
  • -4 Points
  • 16:01:04, 1 December

I disagree. He didn't provide consent in that situation at all. And her guilty feelings are justified. She fucked up.

  • [-]
  • drays
  • 1 Points
  • 18:09:50, 1 December

Isn't that really something that he as the possible victim gets to decide? Why are you denying him the right to be okay with it?

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 18:49:36, 1 December

Thank you. I was upset until you started logic-ing him.

  • [-]
  • cuteflipflops
  • 1 Points
  • 19:13:56, 1 December

Me too! I was just going off on a rant to my bf about this. I agree with the person above that says there is a level of "implied consent". If my bf and I hadn't talked about this exact situation and one of us did it anyway, neither of us would care

  • [-]
  • kengou
  • 11 Points
  • 15:59:58, 1 December

>I would hazard a guess that within the context of a dating relationship, where you've had (consensual) sex multiple times that most people wouldn't be offended, regardless of gender.

I think women in this situation would be WAY more upset than men would be. I'm not sure exactly why that is.

  • [-]
  • Maxxters
  • 30 Points
  • 16:09:55, 1 December

> I'm not sure exactly why that is.

I think it's the way we view rape in our culture. How the girl is being taken advantage of because she's the gatekeeper of sex and how the guy doesn't mind because he's always horny and always wanting to fuck. It's a really messed up view of sexuality, but it is by and large how society views things. It's easier to view a woman as being a victim than a man. But again, it's important to remember the entire context of this specific situation.

  • [-]
  • ITwitchToo
  • 1 Points
  • 19:53:49, 1 December

> she's the gatekeeper of sex and how the guy doesn't mind because he's always horny and always wanting to fuck. It's a really messed up view of sexuality, but it is by and large how society views things

It's also true a lot of the time.

  • [-]
  • dsmaxwell
  • 6 Points
  • 17:19:45, 1 December

I'm annoyed that this isn't top comment. I mean, yeah, we have a huge disparity between men and women when it comes to who is perceived as the victim and who isn't, but that's completely irrelevant here. If someone you're banging on the regular, male or female, is offended by this then you need to take a serious look at the state of your relationship.

  • [-]
  • roxiebloxie
  • 1 Points
  • 19:26:03, 1 December

> I've been with partners who have initiated sex with me while I was asleep and I was 100% fine with it

This. I think I'm pretty open about this type of thing though. When I'm in a relationship with someone, it's implied or openly said this is welcomed.

  • [-]
  • EveryoneisOP3
  • 171 Points
  • 15:47:15, 1 December

I mean, yeah. You raped your boyfriend. Why do you have the word "may" in your title? You literally had sex with an unconscious person.

You should probably go ahead and tell him about that.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 30 Points
  • 17:35:27, 1 December

Sex with an unconscious person within the context of an ongoing, consenting, positive sexual relationship. The context can make a huge difference. Using a single element of the situation to make a black/white assessment is a very stark and not very realistic way of looking at things.

  • [-]
  • sidestreet
  • 25 Points
  • 17:57:31, 1 December

Legally speaking, in Canada, having sex with an unconscious persong, even a longtime partner, is illegal. Even if they consented prior to being unconscious. Practically speaking I agree with Maxxters comments.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:02:09, 1 December

That law doesn't seem very practical at all.

  • [-]
  • irritatedellipses
  • 1 Points
  • 18:16:21, 1 December

What seems impractical about it?

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:19:52, 1 December

It makes it impossible to give consent, legally speaking, for something that I think people have the capacity to give consent for.

  • [-]
  • danceydancetime
  • 1 Points
  • 18:36:47, 1 December

You think unconscious people have the capacity to give consent for sex? Are you taking crazy pills?

  • [-]
  • cuzimapervert
  • 1 Points
  • 19:31:08, 1 December

I have explicit consent to have sex with my girlfriend when she's drunk or asleep.

No law should disenfranchise her from this right to self-determination

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:40:11, 1 December

I think that people, within the context of a trusting and affectionate ongoing sexual relationship especially, have the ability to give prior consent when they are conscious. I think that explicit consent is a very powerful thing, and I am uncomfortable with a law that overrides it.

  • [-]
  • froggymorning
  • 1 Points
  • 19:39:16, 1 December

But the law wouldn't be 'overriding it', because nobody will be arrested unless the man presses charges. HE gets the say-so if its rape or not, and legally, this man would be well within his rights and the law to press charges for rape because he was unconscious. The law doesn't 'step in' and press charges for him or override his decision... It's his decision only. Only he can know if he consents to sex while unconscious.

The OP isn't sure he consents to unconscious sex, and doesn't really THINK he does, or she wouldn't be posting here. She is not sure he would have consented. She doesn't KNOW. So how is that a trusting and affectionate relationship when she doesn't KNOW if he would consider what she did, rape or not?

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 19:47:46, 1 December

Yes, she should have asked first. That would be best practices. Whether she raped him or not depends on his perception of the implied consent that existed in the relationship. Because she didn't ask she is taking a risk that her understanding of that consent is different from his. However, not asking does not automatically make this rape.

  • [-]
  • woetothedownpressors
  • 1 Points
  • 19:58:52, 1 December

What if they do not wish to engage in a specific sexual act? The purpose of consent is so that at any point during sexual activity it may be withdrawn, partially with regards to a specific act or entirely. There is nothing like an implied or overarching consent, within the context of a trusting and affectionate ongoing sexual relationship.

  • [-]
  • miezu78
  • 3 Points
  • 17:46:20, 1 December

yup, definitely talk to him about it. but if the two of them had a healthy sexual relationship and she had sex with him I don't think its a big deal. If my SO (female) would do the same thing to me (male) and in the morning she would tell me I would be like, oh good job honey!

  • [-]
  • midnightsbane04
  • 2 Points
  • 17:55:40, 1 December

Yeah, my own personal response would be something along the lines of, "Was I any good?" But for all I know her bf could be reserved or have completely different morals and values than me. Only OP and the bf can really know in this situation, and that's only going to come about by her telling him.

  • [-]
  • Ackilles
  • 1 Points
  • 19:06:36, 1 December

Was it rape? Ya. Is he going to be upset about it? More than likely he will think it is a major turn on

  • [-]
  • EveryoneisOP3
  • 1 Points
  • 19:16:53, 1 December

>More than likely

You seriously need to get off this subreddit if you think this to be the case.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:33:08, 1 December

> I mean, yeah. You raped your boyfriend. Why do you have the word "may" in your title? You literally had sex with an unconscious person.

Bullshit.

>You should probably go ahead and tell him about that.

Even if she did rape him, she should not tell him! Why the fuck would one tell the victim that one raped him? What would that accomplish besides goint to jail?

  • [-]
  • Tittytickler
  • 1 Points
  • 19:21:50, 1 December

Youre either trolling and bad at it or just dumb

  • [-]
  • Kaelteth
  • 258 Points
  • 15:09:59, 1 December

Where's all the "you can't consent while unconscious" people?

Oh right...the victim here is a guy.

Never mind...carry on.

  • [-]
  • sayno2fap
  • 84 Points
  • 15:56:28, 1 December

I don't understand why everyone is try to butter it up. Only one person so far as said "yes, that's rape" without trying to make some justification. What OP did was quite literally rape, and she should tell him what she did. Depending on the guy's comfort level in the relationship, he may be comfortable with it, but it shouldn't be assumed that he likes it because he's male

  • [-]
  • hornwalker
  • 1 Points
  • 18:24:30, 1 December

Oh come on. If they've been together for a while and have been regularly sexually active, there is a level of implied consent already built into the relationship. Agreed that we shouldn't assume anything, but the OP didn't give us much info to go on. I wouldn't call rape though unless they've never had sex before or are early in the relationship.

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 18:57:09, 1 December

Rape is defined as: "Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person." Marital rape IS a thing, and without consent, regardless of your sexual history, a sexual act like this is considered rape. He may be ok with this having occurred, and that's fine, but his impression of the act after the fact doesn't change that it was un-consented to (read: forced), and thus an act of rape.

(Yes, this is a repost of my main comment on the thread)

  • [-]
  • hornwalker
  • 1 Points
  • 19:04:46, 1 December

Well, if there exists implied consent between them I don't see how it would be considered "forced".

Yes, Marital rape is real, but without knowing more facts we can't really jump to that conclusion.

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 19:17:17, 1 December

It's kind of an innocent until proven guilty thing here. Until you have more information, it's rape. Not until you have more information assume implied consent. And on that note, I feel that implied consent is a bit of an oxymoron (when applied to sexuality at the very least), since consent is defined as "Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something." and not the lack of an instruction NOT to do something.

Sidenote: Your opinions are totally valid, I'm just sharing mine too.

  • [-]
  • acqua_panna
  • 1 Points
  • 19:24:00, 1 December

Your judgement seems to be founded on the principle of "guilty until proven innocent" rather than "innocent until proven guilty."

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 19:28:21, 1 December

You're right, probably not the best analogy I could have used, but the point remains: I'm not saying it was bad, and this isn't a judgment. I'm not discussion the morality of the situation, like I've said, I'd love it if my girlfriend did this to me. That being said, by definition, I believe it was rape. It's a tough situation to apply this definition to though, and my opinion is certainly not the end all be all.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 19:06:28, 1 December

By that definition it is impossible for sex with an unconscious person to be consensual, even if they give explicit consent ahead of time. I don't think you are considering the context of this situation to a sufficient degree.

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 19:21:45, 1 December

I don't agree, I think that if he had given explicit consent ahead of time then it wouldn't have been forced, but she at least implied in her description that they had not discussed it at all before hand, and that it was completely spur of the moment. To me, that is the definition of rape. It wasn't spiteful or evil. Hell, if my girlfriend did this, I would love it. But I'm not him, and an act doesn't have to be spiteful to be rape. It only need be not consented to.

All that being said, sex with an unconscious person is murky water anyway, not legally and morally. A child can't consent because of age, and an intoxicated person can't consent because of state of mind. I would argue that an unconscious person can't consent because they are unable to change their mind. Just my (very long) two cents.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 19:41:24, 1 December

I think an intoxicated person can consent in certain circumstances. If my partner gets drunk and wants to have sex, I'm not raping him if I have sex with him just because we didn't agree to have sex before he started drinking. That's because there is an implicit understand in our relationship, based on the fact that we have had sex many times while sober, that we want to have sex with each other. The context of the existing relationship matters when consent is impaired due to external circumstances. This includes unconsciousness. It can be rape to have sex with an unconscious person, of course, just like it can be rape to have sex with an intoxicated person, but it isn't automatically rape.

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 19:49:40, 1 December

You ma'am, are a swordsmith, and I see your point.

  • [-]
  • froggymorning
  • 1 Points
  • 19:42:10, 1 December

It doesn't matter what YOU call it. It only matters how HE feels about it. Since he was unconscious, he would be within his legal right to press charges for rape, since this situation clearly fits the legal definition. But if he's fine with it in the context of their relationship, then that's up to him. The point is, the OP doesn't KNOW if he'll be fine with it, that's why she's posting. She's scared he won't be.

  • [-]
  • hornwalker
  • 1 Points
  • 19:46:08, 1 December

Indeed, well hopefully they discuss it and hopefully he's ok with it.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:30:02, 1 December

Its not rape and it wouldn't be rape if the genders were reversed. For fucks sake, those two are in a relationship!

  • [-]
  • CYKL0N3
  • 1 Points
  • 18:34:54, 1 December

I really hope this is sarcastic

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:36:58, 1 December

Of course not, you are an idiot.

  • [-]
  • k_princess
  • 1 Points
  • 18:51:35, 1 December

If one (or both IMO) person is not able to give proper consent, it is rape. Just because the word "relationship" or "bf/gf" is attached to the situation, this does not void the need for consent.

  • [-]
  • tlicious23
  • 1 Points
  • 18:58:11, 1 December

You can be raped by someone you're in a relationship with. She may not have held him down and forced him, but just because you let someone into your house once doesn't give them permission to visit whenever they like. If he's uncomfortable with what happened then yes, it's rape. Regardless of their relationship.

  • [-]
  • elmcityslim
  • 44 Points
  • 17:47:34, 1 December

Let me rewrite this story for everybody:

My girlfriend and I came home from a party. She was very intoxicated and barely got her cloths off before she passed out on the bed. Seeing her sprawled on our bed, completely naked, turned me on. So I climbed on top of her, spit on my dick in case she wasn't wet and had sex with her unconscious body. I came inside of her.

So sexxit. How does it sound from this side? If, the next day, I felt so bad about it that I went on reddit for advice and what would you do? Pander to me saying it's kind-of OK because we are already in a relationship or will the harassment be so bad that I would have to cancel my account because my inbox was full of hate mail?

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:13:58, 1 December

I would say exactly the same thing to you. You may have raped your girlfriend and you may not have, depending on the context and understanding within your relationship that existed at the time, explicit or not. You are so sure that there is an unfair double standard that you are reading it into every comment whether it exists or not.

  • [-]
  • MrsFionaCharming
  • 1 Points
  • 18:23:08, 1 December

It really depends on the relationship and what you've agreed on. And of course, not every couple signs a contract within the first week about what is to happen if one passes out when about to have sex and the other one wants to go through with it, but I think (depending on how long the relationship has been going on of course), you should probably know if your partner would have a problem with it or not.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:30:55, 1 December

Don't worry, its okay.

  • [-]
  • badamant
  • 11 Points
  • 16:52:17, 1 December

Its a bit more complicated than that. If a couple has an understanding that sex all the time is fine (conscious or not) it's not rape. This understanding might be implicit and should be explicit in this case.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 17 Points
  • 17:15:47, 1 December

It's not exactly that though, it's the fact she did it while he was unconscious, so he couldn't have asked her to stop if he wanted to. She took away that right to choice.

  • [-]
  • carnexhat
  • 4 Points
  • 17:48:41, 1 December

If I give my expressed permission to have sex with me while im asleep or intoxicated or otherwise incapictated to someone how is that rape is they choose to take that offer up?

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:08:48, 1 December

Ah, see that's the line though. Did he give that express permission?

If so, no rape. As it wouldn't be in the case you've just out forward or when I've told my SO he is allowed to wake me up with sex etc.

  • [-]
  • Seref15
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:20, 1 December

It depends' on the state's legal definition of rape. In florida I know it would be rape because there's specific mention of alcoholic influence.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 2 Points
  • 17:38:08, 1 December

I'm not too familiar with different state's definitions as I'm from England, but I'm pretty sure having sex with an unconscious person is rape anyway, right?

  • [-]
  • froggymorning
  • 1 Points
  • 19:43:31, 1 December

Everywhere in the USA, having sex with an unconscious person fits the legal definition of rape. Because if they are unconscious, they can't consent.

'Implied consent' isn't a defense under the law in any state in the USA. 'We had sex before' isn't a defense either. And 'we are married' also isn't a legal defense against rape.

  • [-]
  • RawlDawg
  • -1 Points
  • 17:56:20, 1 December

Yeah but if they already have sex consentually then why would he want her to stop if he's unconscious? I can understand if he's not in the mood or something but if he's accepted that this woman can do whatever with his body then I'm oblivious to what could be the issue.

  • [-]
  • thewhitelocust
  • 1 Points
  • 18:05:33, 1 December

This is the justification that some people hold when saying you can't rape your spouse.

  • [-]
  • RawlDawg
  • 1 Points
  • 18:25:08, 1 December

I just don't like the fact that we can lump this into the same exact category as a guy holding down his wife and forcing himself on her saying "you're my wife! I can't rape you!" It's not even kind of similar, this situation doesn't sound malicious and it's her boyfriend, passed out from a night of fun. She didn't roofie him (I'm hoping).

  • [-]
  • woetothedownpressors
  • 1 Points
  • 19:53:05, 1 December

But does it matter if malice was a factor? If we use the lack of consent definition, then it still qualifies as rape. Unintended undoubtedly but still rape.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:09:39, 1 December

But if he wasn't in the mood, he couldn't have said stop. Just because you've had sex with someone consensually once, they're not entitled to it regardless of situation.

  • [-]
  • RawlDawg
  • 1 Points
  • 18:19:31, 1 December

But what I'm saying is that there is no mood, because it's like he's not even there.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:35:47, 1 December

Exactly, and having sex with someone in that state is rape. He can't be in the mood because he isn't conscious, and he isn't able to tell her he isn't in the mood so doesn't want her to do that to him. Therefore; rape.

  • [-]
  • RawlDawg
  • 1 Points
  • 18:52:28, 1 December

Sleeping with some random person in that state is rape, yes. Sleeping with your SO in that state after a (fun?) night of drinking? Not so much. The word rape is thrown around waay too freely around here, that shit is serious.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:54:13, 1 December

He was fucking passed out. Fucking a person who is passed out and therefore unable to consent, no matter who it is, is illegal... By law.

I agree that 'rape' is thrown around too freely in here, but in this case the law would see it as rape.

  • [-]
  • RawlDawg
  • 1 Points
  • 19:11:40, 1 December

The law is protecting people in abusive relationships. Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to someone, this is not even remotely close. A pat on the back is not assault even though technically it is a strike from one person to another. Same principle applies.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:31:39, 1 December

> But if he wasn't in the mood, he couldn't have said stop.

He was unconscious, his mood is moot.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:37:33, 1 December

Yeah, exactly. The other poster brought up being in the mood, I agree that his mood is moot as he isn't conscious.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:38:28, 1 December

Then why did you say that it was rape because he couldn't have said stop? Its not rape.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 1 Points
  • 18:43:51, 1 December

Because he couldn't say stop? If a person is out of it, they are unable to tell someone they don't want to have sex. If you have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you and they can't tell you they don't want to, it's rape.

From RAINN; > Do both people have the capacity to consent? States also define who has the mental and legal capacity to consent. Those with diminished capacity — for example, some people with disabilities, some elderly people and people who have been drugged or are unconscious — may not have the legal ability to agree to have sex.

And also; > Rape can happen when the victim was unconscious or asleep.If you were asleep or unconscious, then you didn’t give consent. And if you didn’t give consent, then it is rape.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:47:38, 1 December

> Because he couldn't say stop?

I told you that it doesn't matter. He doesn't have an opinion about the act, he doesn't even know about it.

>they are unable to tell someone they don't want to have sex. If you have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you and they can't tell you they don't want to, it's rape.

ITS HER BOYFRIEND YOU IDIOT!

  • [-]
  • ITwitchToo
  • -5 Points
  • 16:58:18, 1 December

Yeah, it seems weird to me that you would even be in a relationship with somebody if you didn't want to have sex with them. In the sense that if you have sex regularly, no explicit consent is given anyway.

  • [-]
  • irritatedellipses
  • 1 Points
  • 18:14:53, 1 December

But the conscious party had is right to consent taken away from them. Different than no explicit consent.

  • [-]
  • ITwitchToo
  • 1 Points
  • 19:30:14, 1 December

That's a fucked up relationship.

  • [-]
  • pixiegod
  • -4 Points
  • 17:38:06, 1 December

That's not how rape works.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 4 Points
  • 17:41:13, 1 December

That's an interesting assertion. Do you have any support for it?

  • [-]
  • pixiegod
  • 1 Points
  • 18:43:57, 1 December

Well, most laws I have read concerning rape have a verbiage that is something like "capable to consent"...they are written this way so that the inability to say no will not legalize the rape. Some permutations of the laws specifically call out alcohol inebriation and categorize how rape is determined...but most of the ones I have read do so well enough by being written that both partners have to be capable of consent in the first place.

The only way I can see if this is not technically rape is if they decided to the course of action before getting passed out drunk and he consented to her having sex with him while he was passed out. But previous sex acts are not an immediate green light for current sex acts (if they are, my ex's should beware!)...and each sex act by law is beholden to the consent part of the law.

Going to google the question to see what I can find...

Good overview http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape

Some more... http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130320234114AAYpM22

I am sure I can find legal precedence...but I hope those two references at least answers the question.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:55:36, 1 December

I think a legal definition of rape, and the definition needed for prosecution or victim protection, is not an absolute definition that applies outside of a legal context. While certainly the boyfriend would have grounds to prosecute OP for rape, that doesn't necessarily mean that this act was rape in the context of this relationship. That will depend on whether OP's boyfriend had consented prior to this encounter, whether he explicitly said it or not. OP didn't check, which was a mistake on her part that puts her at risk of raping him, but it doesn't mean that she automatically raped him.

  • [-]
  • pixiegod
  • 1 Points
  • 19:44:33, 1 December

I think I did cover that in my post. Unless they had discussed getting trashed, him passing out and she having sex with him...then he wasn't in any position to give consent when passed out.

Reading her post again, it really doesn't feel that they had discussed this beforehand.

Now might he get turned on by the fact that she took advantage of him? Maybe. Might he not see it as rape...of course. But legally, she raped him.

  • [-]
  • JohannHarlequin
  • -1 Points
  • 16:16:05, 1 December

>Oh right...the victim here is a guy

I fucking love you.

  • [-]
  • wadekind
  • 1 Points
  • 19:56:20, 1 December

Men are treated different than women because we ARE different in how we view things especially sex. Any argument about why it's ok for Suzy to claim rape and not Johnny is flawed at its base premise because Suzy does not view sex the same way that Johnny does.

Most men wouldn't care and would not feel they had been raped. She's your girlfriend and that's what erections are for. No different than waking up to a morning BJ.

Worst case is he might be disappointed in missing out and insist on a redo. If he claims rape then he's pissed about something else or needs to grow up.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • -3 Points
  • 17:43:17, 1 December

They're all over the thread. Have you looked? It is not necessary to cry "double standards!" in this situation. Most of the prolific commenters here, who are usually the ones who are most upvoted, take great care to not apply double standards. Your comment is unnecessary and off-topic.

  • [-]
  • EveryoneisOP3
  • 5 Points
  • 17:51:26, 1 December

There was nothing when his post was made.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 1 Points
  • 18:04:03, 1 December

Right, because they complained at the lack of a particular kind of post only shortly after the original post was made. It's impatient and off-topic.

  • [-]
  • CD_reflected_rainbow
  • -8 Points
  • 15:24:47, 1 December

If any were going to comment like that then your twattery will likely put them off.

  • [-]
  • hornwalker
  • 1 Points
  • 18:22:55, 1 December

There is a certain amount of implied consent in a relationship. If they've been together for a while and have been having sex regularly, then the consent is kind of implied already.

If they aren't normally sexually active, then its another story. But even if the roles were reversed, there was probably already some pre-existing levels of consent that would make this ok.

  • [-]
  • I_KILLED_FIDDY_MEN
  • 1 Points
  • 18:36:16, 1 December

Haha, oh man. Here we go

  • [-]
  • kengou
  • 32 Points
  • 15:57:13, 1 December

Firstly, you need to tell him about this, I don't think there's any question about that. It was rape. However, he may not be that upset at it.

But on a side note, this topic is interesting: as a guy in a committed relationship, if this somehow happened with my own girlfriend, I don't know that I'd honestly be that upset about it. I might be a little weirded out, but probably no extreme reaction. And when I think about the genders being reversed, I think the reaction of the girl, and the reaction on /r/sex, would be VERY harsh. It would most definitely be a violation, a rape, something to call the cops over and break up over, no questions asked. My girlfriend confirms her reaction would be very negative. I wonder why exactly men and women have such different reactions to the same situation like this, and what factors go into that difference between the sexes. It's interesting.

  • [-]
  • rhozberry
  • 1 Points
  • 18:02:44, 1 December

I agree with you that it is rape - rape is a broad spectrum of experiences, but the connotation is that it's violent, under clear terms (the victim says "No" and the rapist continues anyway), and traumatizing. But that's not always the case. And this particular situation is a hazy gray area already, because if he hadn't passed out, and they had sex, OP could also say she was too drunk to consent and it could still be considered rape, but from her experience (and perhaps contemporary gender biases would validate her use of that word more readily).

I think the key thing is to talk for OP to have the discussion with him about what happened. He may grant a kind of "retroactive consent" or confirm the implied consent terms of their relationship and say, "Hey, thanks for letting me know, I'm okay with what happened, next time let's approach the situation [this way]." But he also might react negatively, which she should be prepared for. He also might call it rape. He might need time to process what happened, to set boundaries for her while he does, and she needs to treat it seriously.

  • [-]
  • Ackilles
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:03, 1 December

Na /r/sex wouldn't be in an uproar unless they weren't in a relationship and having sex prior to that. This type of post has been put up numerous times in various contexts and the general attitude towards it is that it is sexy/amazing. Sure some people might not like the idea, but the vast majority aren't going to freak out about it

  • [-]
  • balancedhighs
  • 15 Points
  • 14:53:41, 1 December

It depends on the person. He could either be very offended, he could find it a real turn on or he might not care. I doubt it would be the last one, sex is something you seem to have quite a strong opinion on, even if you don't choose to express it. So you're looking at either of the first two. Definitely tell him. You've done something without his permission and it's playing on your mind. That alone should give you the hint that this is something you need to talk about. How he responds? You'll just have to let us know OP.

Personally, I'd find it quite a turn on, it would be nice if I would be woken up in the middle though, that would be an awesome surprise. But everybody is different (I'm male mid twenties).

  • [-]
  • planejane
  • 7 Points
  • 16:51:48, 1 December

Talk to him about it. Assuming you're dating, it's probably less of a big deal than you think.

One night, the ex and I both accidentally got into it without knowing the other was unconscious. (Separate sessions a few hours apart). When we both realized what had happened, it was something we laughed about together later.

I'm actually surprised he was able to get me going-I'm told I'm a hell of a bitch when I'm semi-conscious, but apparently all was good.

  • [-]
  • throwitawaydaybyday
  • 12 Points
  • 16:50:49, 1 December

The only person who can say if this is rape or not is your boyfriend. It all comes down to him - how he feels about what happened. So...find out how he feels.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 10 Points
  • 17:30:13, 1 December

Explicit verbal consent is not necessary to avoid rape, especially not within the context of an existing, ongoing sexual and intimate relationship. It is, however, recommended. Whether or not you raped your boyfriend depends on whether he was ok with you having sex with him while he was unconscious, and without talking about it beforehand you don't know whether he is or is not. So, it may have been rape and it may not have been rape. You really need to talk to him about it. Even if you did rape him, he is unlikely to be seriously traumatized by it because he trusts you, has affection for you, and enjoys sex with you. He may still be upset, or he may think it was funny. He may think it was a hot idea and want you to do it more. There's no way to know without talking to him.

  • [-]
  • TUKINDZ
  • 14 Points
  • 16:02:02, 1 December

Most guys that I know wouldn't have an issue with their girlfriend doing that.

  • [-]
  • Colonel-Rosa
  • 1 Points
  • 18:28:25, 1 December

Right, don't think you think that is social pressure though?

"lol bro, your girlfriend raped you, yeah right, man up pussy!"

Men are far less likely to report rape.

  • [-]
  • TUKINDZ
  • 1 Points
  • 19:22:57, 1 December

No, not at all. It wouldn't even be about that. I don't think women realise how great it is for a man to feel absolutely desired by a woman. Especially if it's one we are dating.

Of the men that I know, maybe the most conservative, awkward guys I know MIGHT have an issue with it.

  • [-]
  • kann20
  • 9 Points
  • 17:11:41, 1 December

I'm a woman and I would like to say. I'm offended by some of the responses in this thread. This man was taken advantage of. And yes I realize that the op feels bad in the situation. But trying to turn this around into some short of fantasy. That guys has just because he's a guy. Makes no sense it's not fair to him.

My suggestion go to him talk to him . And explain you wasn't trying to take advantage of him. And what should be the course moving forward. If he's in to that short of thing. Or is that something that needs never to be brought up again.

But for people to sit here and basically say. Oh she meant no harm and besides he might like it. And he's a guy he'll probably just be more mad he couldn't fully participate. Is just wrong because if the roles was reversed. And it was a man who did it drunk or not.

There would be a storm of replies saying how wrong he was. And just because he's in a relationship doesn't make it better. And how that they need to sit down in a none sexual setting. In discuss what happened and future plans.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:36:34, 1 December

> Is just wrong because of the roles was reversed. And if was a man who did it drunk or not. > There would be a storm of replies saying how wrong he was.

No, there wouldn't. Or only from feminazis, nor from actual sentient people.

You too would not be offended if your husband fucked you while black-out drunk, you wouldn't mind.

  • [-]
  • kann20
  • 1 Points
  • 18:54:04, 1 December

I'm not just saying that because I'm making it up. I've witnessed it on plenty of other posts. To know that's the exact case. And even though I'm not married. Me and my SO already have an agreement. That if one of us is sleeping and the other is in the mood.

That is ok to go ahead .because we're both light sleepers. So you're right it's wouldn't be a problem. But that's because we talked about it ahead of time. And even then we only do it so often. But be trust me when I say if we've never talked about it. And he did that. I will be upset, confused, hurt, and disrespected.

The Op never said they had any type of agreement.

  • [-]
  • Tittytickler
  • 1 Points
  • 19:30:25, 1 December

Don't listen to that other guy. He's so full of shit all over this thread

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:56:29, 1 December

> I'm not just saying that because I'm making it up. I've witnessed it on plenty of other posts.

That would be the feminazis.

>And even though I'm not married. Me and my SO already have an agreement. That if one of us is sleeping and the other is in the mood.

Seems quite normal to me. Really, why would i care? If i don't wake up i won't know. If i do wake up i get to have sex, yay!

>But that's because we talked about it ahead of time. And even then we only do it so often. But be trust me when I say if we've never talked about it. And he did that. I will be upset, confused, hurt, and disrespected.

But why?

>The Op never said they had any type of agreement.

Well they should. But she was drunk, he was drunker. Its not a big deal, there is absolutely no reason to be upset.

  • [-]
  • kann20
  • 1 Points
  • 19:37:27, 1 December

They should but she never hinted that they do. And why would I feel ; hurt, confused, and disrespected. Because it's my body. And not to have any say or control. Of what's happening to my body for any period of time. For whatever reason will hurt.

I will feel confused because if I was to wake up doing this time .to find my SO taking advantage of my body. With having no knowledge of giving him permission .I will be confused on why is this happening. And disrespected because I should have a say.

  • [-]
  • Lykarsis
  • 1 Points
  • 18:15:37, 1 December

Just my opinion as a guy, so long as it was my girlfriend and not some random person, I wouldn't be particularly concerned. It depends on the person really. I doubt my girlfriend would care if the situations were reversed, but I am fairly certain that one of my ex girlfriends would have flipped her shit.

Talk to him and see what he thinks. If he isn't comfortable with it, apologize and don't let it happen again. If he is, cool beans.

  • [-]
  • TheRosesAndGuns
  • 7 Points
  • 17:14:52, 1 December

That's rape, yes. There's no 'may' about it, to be honest. You need to tell him what happened and let him make his own decision about how he feels.

I mean, you may have had sex anyway if he hadn't passed out, but he still needs to be able to make the call about whether he wants to which he can't do when he's passed out.

I've had my boyfriend wake me up with sex, which I woke up to halfway through the act, but I'd already given him express permission earlier that night to actually do that. If you've never had specific permission to do that to him, you shouldn't have.

  • [-]
  • tomtomglove
  • 1 Points
  • 19:44:27, 1 December

Does no one else think this post is suspicious? Just an opportunity to point out a double standard.

  • [-]
  • elmcityslim
  • 6 Points
  • 17:35:45, 1 December

Why are all the comments telling her it was rape so down-voted that I can't see the score? What the fuck is wrong with you people? It was rape and she needs to confront him immediately. I'm 90 percent sure he will be OK with it but that doesn't make it OK to do. And there was no implicit consent here. If there was, she wouldn't be looking for advice from internet strangers.

  • [-]
  • jacksparrow1
  • 4 Points
  • 16:57:38, 1 December

Pro tip. Everyone have this conversation before hand. "Do I have your consent to have sex with you when you are sleeping or drunk?"

OP, yes that was rape. You need to tell him.

  • [-]
  • dagnart
  • 0 Points
  • 17:13:56, 1 December

The fact that she didn't have his explicit consent doesn't mean that she didn't have implied consent. It also doesn't mean that she did have implied consent, but explicit verbal consent is a very high bar to use as a definition for rape. You'd end up defining a lot of sex as rape that clearly wasn't, as not everybody has a conversation before they have sex. It's better to have a conversation, but if you don't then it isn't automatically rape.

  • [-]
  • jacksparrow1
  • 1 Points
  • 19:53:11, 1 December

I can see your point but would personally not use implied consent for a drunk partner.

  • [-]
  • TeamShortBus01
  • 4 Points
  • 15:19:57, 1 December

If my girlfriend did that to me, I'd think it was awesome. I wish my girlfriend took initiative like that...

  • [-]
  • cursy
  • 4 Points
  • 15:47:11, 1 December

It's a tricky one, I think the majority (of guys at least) in this situation wouldn't mind/would like the idea.

However, I think it's right that there is a hyper-sensitivity over the idea of any kind of non-consensual sex, so if only in the interest of keeping that in place, you should at least talk to him about it.

  • [-]
  • bostick
  • 1 Points
  • 18:05:20, 1 December

This post is exactly why I have such a problem with my liberal, "sex-positive" friends downgrading the definition of rape to such a black and white level. In the real world of crime and punishment, the very definition of rape includes a victim who felt violated.

Let me make this clear for everyone on this sub: you do not get to define rape. The only person who gets to determine whether or not they were raped is the victim, not a white knight on a message board who is posting anonymously. Rape is never "black and white", and this case is a perfect example of that. To blithely call two drunk kids in a relationship with a history of consensual sex having sex while one is passed out "rape" without deferring to the purported "victim" is arrogant and sanctimonious.

To the OP my advice is to nuzzle up to him and purr something sweet like "Thanks for giving it to me last night babe, it was amazing". If he responds with a spit take and a WTF then you might want to fill him in and see if he wants to press charges. If he comes back with a "Yeah, that was awesome" then you're golden and should enjoy your day. Case closed.

  • [-]
  • JakJakAttacks
  • 1 Points
  • 18:30:57, 1 December

This is more about the double standard than anything else. Switch the genders in this story. What you said still applies. But you can bet these comments would look A LOT different. I'd be willing to bet even you would also be whistling a different tune.

And your given definition of rape could still apply. Who's to say he doesn't feel violated? There are convictions of this exact situation where women have been the victim. Even in a married situation. Your argument is moot.

  • [-]
  • zlafo
  • 1 Points
  • 19:15:56, 1 December

I dunno what weird pseudo-forward thinking world you live in but I don't know a single person who would wake up and have cared if their girlfriend or boyfriend got them off while half pissed. Such a weird, sheltered response.

  • [-]
  • EveryoneisOP3
  • 1 Points
  • 19:28:57, 1 December

A boyfriend isn't a fucking dildo for her to get off on whenever she pleases.

  • [-]
  • NaSk1
  • 4 Points
  • 16:04:03, 1 December

you DID rape him, no question. Now tell him about it

  • [-]
  • trevoreisenberg33
  • 5 Points
  • 16:27:31, 1 December

Good lord, I think everyone might be going a little crazy with their definitions of the word "rape" these days. Obviously, malicious rape is awful. This incident, though, was not malicious. It was a sexual encounter between two adults who, I assume, have been consensually banging one another for a while. It was not rape. This guy got drunk, passed out and still ended up having sex with the girl he would've had sex with anyway. No harm, no foul. No need to make it weird by sitting him down and discussing it. Just carry on.

  • [-]
  • Zorander22
  • -1 Points
  • 16:45:13, 1 December

It's not clear what malicious means to you. It's the intent of the person initiating sexual activity? That opens up a whole host of problems - a lot of people aren't intending to hurt the other person, maybe they even think the other person will like it... but if the other person hasn't consented, yes it's rape.

  • [-]
  • CrocsWithSocks
  • -9 Points
  • 16:49:11, 1 December

Exactly. This wasn't rape, everybody. Stop it.

OP, feel free to continue blowing your guy every chance you get. Geez lasers we have all turned into a bunch of babies in 2013.

  • [-]
  • Tittytickler
  • 1 Points
  • 19:27:43, 1 December

Its the definition of rape. Whether or not he cares is the issue. Theres no debate on whether or not its rape, because it is.

  • [-]
  • pixiegod
  • 2 Points
  • 17:41:07, 1 December

Talk to him. What you did was rape. He might excuse it, but just as a guy having sex with a passed out girl would be rape, this would also be rape. But communicate with him. He might be ok with it. This being said you have already taken away his consent, don't take away his right to know.

  • [-]
  • Jrix
  • 1 Points
  • 18:37:35, 1 December

Can you people please stop filling this subreddit up with lame troll stories and jokes?

  • [-]
  • Bobthemightyone
  • 2 Points
  • 17:33:15, 1 December

It's complicated and it varies a ton from person to person in this situation. Depending on the guy it could vary a lot. If a girl did this randomly to me I would be extremely taken aback and would press charges if I could. If a girl was I was dating for a short period of time (less than a couple months) did this I'm not sure how I would react (probably poorly). If my current long-term girlfriend did this I wouldn't even give half a shit. All of that is just me personally, and some guys would care no matter what and some wouldn't care no matter what, and I feel like the majority would be react to the situation based on who the girl was and how they knew them.

It's also situational if you've had sex with him before this (assuming you have, but it's not good to assume), if you've used a condom last night, or if he came inside you. If you regularly have sex without a condom, this could be less of a deal than if you use condoms religiously. If he's never cum in you before, but he came in you last night, that could be a huge deal to him. All of these things affect how he'll view the situation, and all of them will be determined by how he reacts. It's difficult for us on /r/sex to determine what would help since their is a massive amount of information we don't know about what happened last night, as well as how he views these sort of things.

All of that said, I think sound, general advice would be to talk to him about it. It very rarely helps to hide something like this, and I feel like generally it's better morally and would be appreciated if you told him.

TL;DR This is super vague and depending on a ton of details could be a very bad thing or not a big deal. Recommend talking about it either way.

  • [-]
  • froggymorning
  • 1 Points
  • 19:32:25, 1 December

You did rape your boyfriend, as sex without consent is rape, and the law has defined someone being unconscious as not able to give consent. You have to treat your boyfriend with the same respect you, as a woman, would want to be given.

Now, you were both drunk, and alcohol makes us do things we wouldn't normally do. Alcohol is the single biggest contributing factor in date and acquaintance rape. He wasn't able to make a decision, and you weren't able to make your best decisions, while both of you were under the influence.

You need to have a frank and truthful talk with your boyfriend. Its his call. He may be fine with it, he may not be, but respect him enough to tell him and work through it.

  • [-]
  • Tericakes
  • 1 Points
  • 16:45:07, 1 December

This was absolutely a consent violation. It was rape because he was unable to consent to sex.

However, I will say that you RECOGNIZING it and feeling bad about it is a step in the right direction. Apologize. Talk to him. Never do it again.

  • [-]
  • ITwitchToo
  • 1 Points
  • 17:02:45, 1 December

Have you ever been in a sexual relationship? Did you sign contracts before getting down to it too?

  • [-]
  • hannahwartooth
  • 3 Points
  • 16:46:46, 1 December

Not really a 'may have' about it. That was a shitty thing to do undiscussed and I hope for your sake he didnt mind.

  • [-]
  • Diamond92
  • 0 Points
  • 15:49:35, 1 December

If you were both strangers then yes you would have raped him.

It really depends upon the specifics of your relationship as to whether it was rape in this case, would you consider it rape if he had done the same to you (or to remove some practical differences, eaten you out while masturbating)

  • [-]
  • REDDIT_IS_FOR_QUEERS
  • 2 Points
  • 17:16:50, 1 December

The only thing to do is turn yourself in. The cops would laugh in your face.

So sick of all this rape shit, rape culture and everyone screaming rape. He's your fucking boyfriend, so what???

  • [-]
  • SeePan
  • 1 Points
  • 18:22:51, 1 December

Thank you for cutting through the politically correct bullshit. Rape is horrible. Having sex with your boyfriend while in a consenting relationship is not.

  • [-]
  • Rab_Legend
  • 1 Points
  • 19:50:20, 1 December

Tell him about it, if he's ok with it then you're quite lucky you got away with it.

  • [-]
  • Tobeatkingkoopa
  • 1 Points
  • 19:56:37, 1 December

How long have you guys been together? Do you guys live together? If you guys are great and everything is fine, you can just be like "Oh btw, you had a hard on last night so I took advantage". It's happened to me before with my GF at the time, and I told her I hope she had a good time. Why? Because she was my GF and I trusted her (still do even after we broke up). Obviously everyone is different, but it's not like you guys are random strangers or acquaintances. Your dating!

It's not like you tied him up, stuck foreign objects in his body and gave him STDs.

  • [-]
  • Rodgerx2
  • 2 Points
  • 16:33:16, 1 December

You technically did, However if my GF did it I wouldnt care. Id actually find it hot. You should speak to him.

  • [-]
  • RRdrinker
  • 1 Points
  • 18:11:37, 1 December

I have fucked my gf and she was too drunk/tired to remember. Thought she was still conscious. I casually mentioned how it was easily the drunkest i have ever gotten it on and she was a surprised. But didnt care. I mean it was nothing we hadnt done a lot before.

And my rule with my girl is that if she can make my cock hard i will fuck her with it. If my cock is hard amd she wants to ride it despite me being passed out.... More power to her.

  • [-]
  • 6ksuit
  • 1 Points
  • 18:43:03, 1 December

There's a thing called "implied consent" between people in a relationship. I'd be pretty pissed if some random lady fucked me while I was passed out, but my girlfriend has a pass to do pretty much whatever whenever... She knows what I'm okay with and I trust her to not do anything she knows I wouldn't want.

Tell your boyfriend. Don't be heavy about it, be a little embarrassed that you just couldn't help yourself.

  • [-]
  • k_princess
  • 1 Points
  • 18:54:46, 1 December

Technically, yes you did rape him. He was unable to give you his consent. But what is going to matter is his reaction when you tell him. Yes, that means you need to tell him. If he's ok with it, then move on with your lives. If he freaks out about it, then you need to evaluate how you will proceed.

  • [-]
  • gabek333
  • 1 Points
  • 19:00:38, 1 December

It's definitely rape and you should definitely tell him. However, I think anything can be worked out with healthy discussion and conversation.

  • [-]
  • letsgetrandy
  • 1 Points
  • 16:54:49, 1 December

By my understanding, rape means sex without consent. Now some would say that an unconscious person can't give consent, but to me consent could be given – or understood to be given – outside of the moment that it happens.

So if he says "don't fuck me when I'm sleeping" then yeah, it's rape. But if he says "babe as long as your on birth control, I don't care what you do to me or when" then it's not a problem.

But you should talk to him about it and know for sure, from this point forward, what is okay and what is not.

  • [-]
  • Link9454
  • 1 Points
  • 18:25:10, 1 December

Talk with him about it. If you are already in an active, good sexual relationship, I don't think he'd mind much. Well, I wouldn't at least.

  • [-]
  • killroy1971
  • -1 Points
  • 16:42:04, 1 December

Rape is usually more about control, less about the sex itself. Yes you took advantage of your unconscious boyfriend. You didn't drug him. You didn't physically overpower him.
However you do need to talk to your boyfriend about it, if only to get it off of your chest but first write down all of your feelings on the subject, walk away, then go back to your scribblings and re-read them. Now you're ready to talk. Remember, your boyfriend is a man, and we process differently. He will likely say one thing just to satisfy your need for a response. Then he'll retreat into his inner man cave, ponder his place in the universe, drink a beer, THEN (and only then) will he be able to share his feelings with you. If he's quiet (and he will be from time to time) he's in his man cave. It might be about you, it might be not be about you. Just don't inject yourself into his process. Men don't want to hash it out over a multi-hour circular conversation. Hope this helps.

  • [-]
  • dcolt
  • -2 Points
  • 17:15:33, 1 December

> Yes you took advantage of your unconscious boyfriend.

Yup, that's rape.

  • [-]
  • SeePan
  • 1 Points
  • 18:21:15, 1 December

You are an idiot. That link is not REMOTELY similar to the OP's case.

  • [-]
  • peltforth
  • 1 Points
  • 18:07:25, 1 December

I don't think he cares. I wouldn't, as long as it was my girlfriend.

  • [-]
  • D-blue
  • -2 Points
  • 15:58:02, 1 December

Geez helicopter parents raised this person; now this tripe.

  • [-]
  • HandstheMan
  • -2 Points
  • 17:41:32, 1 December

Here's the thing: he's your BOYFRIEND. I really don't think he'll mind, but technically you did rape him lol. You should definitely tell him, just to clear your conscious.

  • [-]
  • pyro2927
  • 1 Points
  • 17:17:08, 1 December

I'd say just talk to him about it. If my girlfriend did that to me I wouldn't care at all. I'm happy to please her at any time, even if I'm asleep :)

  • [-]
  • TheresanotherJoswell
  • 1 Points
  • 18:08:45, 1 December

Well, I think he won't mind. You're his girlfriend, and that counts for a lot. If this happened to me, I wouldn't care at all. Just tell him and if he gets angry, or feels negatively about it in any way, say you're sorry.

Interestingly, with genders reversed, people would be pressuring him to get you locked up. I don't think that this hard line approach to the weird dynamics of sexual relationships really accomplishes anything. Nobody here has really been harmed.

  • [-]
  • Jherrild
  • 1 Points
  • 18:59:00, 1 December

Rape is defined as: "Any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person." Marital rape IS a thing, and without consent, regardless of your sexual history, a sexual act like this is considered rape. He may be ok with this having occurred, and that's fine (I certainly would be), but his impression of the act after the fact doesn't change that it was un-consented to (read: forced), and thus an act of rape.

  • [-]
  • zlafo
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:35, 1 December

Its your boyfriend not some random guy. Why the fuck would he care. Some of you really need to get out of this weird reddit bubble.

  • [-]
  • thechaosz
  • 1 Points
  • 18:09:37, 1 December

Best. Girlfriend. Ever.

  • [-]
  • morbidbattlecry
  • -1 Points
  • 17:09:09, 1 December

I'm not really seeing a problem here. Tell him what happened. He will probably just be mad you didn't wake him up for it.

  • [-]
  • the_inmate88
  • 1 Points
  • 18:25:20, 1 December

I'm sure he doesn't care.

  • [-]
  • Sirfapsallot
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:55, 1 December

I would be more concerned about a pregnancy scare out of a situation like this. Not sure what OP and her SO do for birth control, but should definitely chat about it.

  • [-]
  • myheadsonfire69
  • -5 Points
  • 14:45:20, 1 December

Give a penny, take a penny....

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -6 Points
  • 15:28:36, 1 December

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • mbrattoo
  • 2 Points
  • 16:04:20, 1 December

Except how can you be willing when you're unconscious? Consent in prior situations doesn't trickle down to encompass everything later.

  • [-]
  • trollgasm22
  • -4 Points
  • 16:41:27, 1 December

What boyfriend will ever claim rape? Most men are willing for sex in any and all circumstances. I understand the kind of taboo to this but come on, my statement is true, you can't rape the willing and until I see that op's bf was NOT willing I'll stand by it.

  • [-]
  • Zorander22
  • 3 Points
  • 16:46:29, 1 December

According to your definition then, whether or not something was rape is determined after the fact once you find out whether or not they were into it. That seems like a problem.

  • [-]
  • trollgasm22
  • -3 Points
  • 16:51:55, 1 December

I'm not exactly debating it being right or wrong, legal or illegal. All I'm saying is no boyfriend in a normal monogamous relationship will complain about his girl taking the initiative and having sex with her man even if he's passed out. Most men would laugh n tell her to wake him up next time.

  • [-]
  • Zorander22
  • 1 Points
  • 17:00:52, 1 December

You're assuming that. It's certainly possible, but without hard data you're (likely) relying on a cultural narrative... like thinking men never cry because it's never shown on TV or talked about. Again, it's possible, but there can be real differences between what the culture expects of you and what actually occurs... and we have societal pressure to conform to those cultural expectations as well.

Even if your claim is true, it is then a problem if we have different expectations or even different laws regarding the same behaviour for both men and women. As people here have pointed out, this story would come across very differently for many if it was the guy who ended up having sex with his unconscious girlfriend.

  • [-]
  • trollgasm22
  • -1 Points
  • 17:05:39, 1 December

Yea, double standards are a bitch. As a Guy even I dislike them. But they're ingrained and even I am affected by them.

  • [-]
  • Zorander22
  • 2 Points
  • 17:11:30, 1 December

Yeah, they are pretty pervasive. I think the worst part is that it stops men and women from fully becoming what they can be, since some skills or abilities are seen as male and others are seen as female. Both the traditionally male and traditionally female skills are useful and really powerful when combined.

  • [-]
  • Revofev92
  • 1 Points
  • 18:00:10, 1 December

You are the reason male rape victims don't get taken seriously

  • [-]
  • kraffdinner
  • 1 Points
  • 18:01:36, 1 December

Cool! Don't feel bad! If your boyfriend doesn't think you're ugly then I'm sure he's cool with it.

  • [-]
  • j_t_h
  • 1 Points
  • 18:28:41, 1 December

This surely is a troll, right? I mean this cannot be an actual person talking?

How did america so fucked up?

  • [-]
  • ENOENT
  • 1 Points
  • 18:08:01, 1 December

I don't agree with people suggesting you tell him. If there are signs he doesn't remember anything and there are no consequences (like pregnancy), then don't tell anyone and life goes on. After few months (and definitely years) chances are, you won't even remember this incident.