Girlfriend and I are ring shopping and she has been opening up, and telling me not so great things. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

18 ups - 4 downs = 14 votes

editted and added more info

Hey reddit I am kind of in a tough position right now hopefully you guys can share.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now I am 27 she is 26. In our relationship we both do a good job communicating, we try to avoid secrets.

  • Since we are getting engaged, she wants all the bad stuff out. Well first of all she tells me during the first two months we were dating she was sleeping with her ex, while making me hold out. We didn't have any particular talks saying we can't see other people but just from our talking and hanging out it was pretty definite that we said we were boyfriend girlfriend. She qualifies it as she wasn't "technically cheating" but she wouldn't have waited till now if she didn't think it was something bad.

  • She went to a concert with some friends a while back failed, turns out someone invited her ex, but she didn't want to worry me at the time so she said nothing.

  • Reason why she hates swallowing during sex is because her ex ruined it for her, because he would hold her down (yet she seemed pretty infatuated with him)

(As of now the ex has moved to California so I don't have to worry about him)

This didn't all come out at once, she has been dropping these slowly, and I have maintained a straight face. I am doing so because I want to know if there is more out there she assures me that her dirty laundry has been aired. I don't really know what to think anymore, had I known earlier about the whole sleeping with the ex, while I was trying to get with her I would have left her. I don't really know how to handle all this information. At the time we were talking and hanging out all the time, long phone calls everything so the idea she'd do that with me then go sleep with him really fucks with my mind. She held off on sex because she told me she isn't "that kind of girl."

The concert, I don't know if she cheated on me with him then, but after hearing the first one I am almost naturally thinking of the worst.

The sex part, I am pretty upset with as well. Before, she told me she didn't do it because "only whores do that." Now hearing that it was regular with the ex makes me pretty bitter. Even though she describes it as a bad experience she was infatuated with this guy pretty hard. In our own relationship she hasn't really made an attempt to ever try to become more comfortable with it either, nor did she do it once. It's screaming in my head she liked the other dude more, and even if something was uncomfortable, she would do it to please him.

I am still confused why she told me this, it feels like I am being trickled truth, but why would she tell me this if I had no idea about any of this stuff before hand. Should I appreciate her honesty, and try to some how work past this.

If I had to describe how I feel right now, I felt like I had an awesome relationship before hand, talking about starting a family, buying a house together and now it's uhhhhhh. I know it's best to hold out on ring shopping, but beyond that what do I do. I want to know the full full truth, and know if she is completely over her ex and is focused on our relationship. The sex part, how do I even tell her how much that bugs at me without sounding like a whiny entitled guy.

I overall just feel so weak and lost. Please share with me what to do guys.

tl;dr - discovered some nasty things about my relationship

80 comments submitted at 23:37:07 on Mar 26, 2014 by engaged4

  • [-]
  • one_Dwigt
  • 18 Points
  • 23:43:24, 26 March

> If I had to describe how I feel right now, I felt like I had an awesome relationship before hand and now it's uhhhhhh.

That's pretty telling. If you're feeling like that, you should consider putting the ring shopping on hold till you've had the chance to figure out where you stand on all this.

  • [-]
  • leonprimrose
  • 1 Points
  • 00:22:13, 27 March

Right here. Any doubts should be dealt with before making a serious life decision like getting engaged. Give it 3 to 6 months and talk things through. See a counselor if possible. But do not get engaged until you are 100% certain. This is very important

  • [-]
  • lizabeth_girl
  • 18 Points
  • 23:59:44, 26 March

Woman here, hopefully it's ok if I add something that hasn't been said? Here is my guess on what's going through her head right now: you're ring shopping so you've obviously made a huge emotional investment in her and on your way to making a bigger financial one. To back out now is an especially hard decision for you (sunk cost issues). For her, timing is perfect if she wants to be absolved of all of this. She may expect that if you buy her that ring it means you've accepted her view on things and cannot and should not complain about it later. I would definitely leave someone who not only did the things she did but tried to manipulate me emotionally. You should at the very least explain to her if these things bother you and why and perhaps put the ring shopping on hold until you figure out how you feel about the situation. If she doesn't want to give you that time it would probably confirm that she is trying to be manipulative rather than communicative.

  • [-]
  • sayitlikeshakespeare
  • 1 Points
  • 00:33:45, 27 March

I love this response. I love (well, that's a strong word, but still) when women respond in askmen threads like this. It's one thing for a group of guys saying that he should protect his interest, but it's a whole 'nother story for a woman to read this and say something similar.

  • [-]
  • lizabeth_girl
  • 1 Points
  • 01:05:27, 27 March

Well that's a relief! Don't want to give advice where it's not wanted and seem rude.

  • [-]
  • sayitlikeshakespeare
  • 1 Points
  • 01:09:07, 27 March

Nah! Unlike our sister subreddit (which is terrible, sweeping generalization, i know) I don't see much "you don't conform to the guidelines [of the people who should be answering] and will be downvoted into extremity" here.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:23:26, 27 March

Thank you for your insight, I definitely do get the once we talk about it now I start the marriage with a clean slate.

  • [-]
  • lizabeth_girl
  • 1 Points
  • 01:02:25, 27 March

Good luck! It's always hard to know for sure what's going on in a relationship based on a few paragraphs over the internet. I hope that, whatever the result of your talk, you're able to work out a solution that leaves you feeling satisfied and respected.

  • [-]
  • merely_observing
  • 1 Points
  • 01:03:19, 27 March

I completely agree with you. What she's doing seems pretty gross and manipulative. OP, I really don't want to jump on Reddit's 'break up bandwagon', but I would definitely reconsider getting married to this woman, at least right now. Hold off for a bit because I have a bad feeling more is going to come.

As for the sunk cost fallacy, that's a good point. If you feel like you're too far in to stop now, read this. #4 is about relationships.

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 11 Points
  • 23:50:55, 26 March

>She qualifies it as she wasn't "technically cheating"

If you have to qualify something as "technically not cheating", you were cheating.
Yes, that was cheating.

>she didn't want to worry me at the time so she said nothing

So she was cheating and "didn't want to worry you" about the guy she was cheating with being around her...

>Should I appreciate her honesty because I wouldn't have ever known if she didn't tell me?

Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to take the shit she did in stride.
She still did it, and she still hid it from you for a long time.

Tell her how you feel. Postpone the wedding for a while. Leave her if that's what you want.
All good reactions. What's not a good reaction is swallowing your feelings and marrying her right now.

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 13 Points
  • 23:41:34, 26 March

If you have to qualify your cheating with the word "technically", you know you fucked up but are just trying to rationalize it.

This is somewhat simple, do you feel that these things she has told you are enough to warrant ending the relationship? That's the choice you have to make. If you've gotten to the point that you're shopping for a wedding ring, you can't go back to a casual relationship; it's all or nothing.

A relevant question is whether you think any of this actually changes the relationship. I like the obvious answer is "no" for points 2 and 3. I can't answer the first for you because I don't know what the nature of the relationship was back then.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:00:02, 27 March
  1. we never said we aren't seeing other people, but we were boyfriend girlfriend.
  • [-]
  • Xaelath
  • 1 Points
  • 00:14:51, 27 March

>she was sleeping with her ex, while making me hold out.

So, she was witholding sex and making you go through hoops to get into her pants while she was fucking her ex when you were already dating...that's fun.

  • [-]
  • JohnyBoi95
  • 1 Points
  • 00:52:28, 27 March

she is literally settling for him!

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 2 Points
  • 00:01:17, 27 March

I saw that, but again, I don't know the nature of the relationship. You never had an agreement not to see other people, which mitigates against what she did being wrong, yet you say you were boyfriend:girlfriend.

  • [-]
  • twelvis
  • 4 Points
  • 00:09:16, 27 March

Better call a lawyer now to wrangle over the definitions of the relationship, or call a different kind of lawyer a few years from now.

  • [-]
  • i_wonder_why2
  • 6 Points
  • 23:47:15, 26 March

1 - this worries me because she is trying to rationalize cheating. You had put labels on it and in my book that implies monogamy unless talked about.

2 - This bothers me because it shows lack of willingness to communicate.

3 - not bothersome really

What really irks me about all of this is that it sounds like she is slowly letting out truths. Personally I would try and find some sort of confirmation that what she is telling you is all the truth.

  • [-]
  • mysterioussydney
  • 6 Points
  • 23:45:37, 26 March

trickle truth in action

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 7 Points
  • 23:52:04, 26 March

I'm 50/50 on whether she had sex with the ex at that concert tbh.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 2 Points
  • 23:50:31, 26 March

Iceberg of lies?

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 2 Points
  • 23:59:06, 26 March

she never had to tell me in the first place, if there is more why bring this up?

  • [-]
  • Gingor
  • 6 Points
  • 00:02:20, 27 March

A guilty conscience. Think of it like a teapot boiling over.
Or a move so you can't find out later through other means and leave her. Now she can even say she told you willingly when you get upset, claiming that is irrational.

  • [-]
  • Xaelath
  • 1 Points
  • 00:11:31, 27 March

More and more will surface. Beware, OP. Beware.

  • [-]
  • twelvis
  • 1 Points
  • 00:12:56, 27 March

Ok, so I went back to his place but nothing happened I swear! Ok we hugged, but nothing more. Ok, he tried to kiss me, but I stopped him. Ok, we kissed for a little bit before I stopped him. Ok, we made out, but it's no big deal. I wouldn't freak out if you made out with someone. Ok, so we had sex, but I stopped 30 seconds in and started crying because I realize I love you! Ok, we had sex.

  • [-]
  • zfire2048
  • 1 Points
  • 00:19:57, 27 March

I hate to agree, but that was my first thought as soon as I read the piece on the concert also. I would have her tell you ab=7+24+6+24+5.5+14out the night in detail, and if she tries to gloss over any time periods, dig into them. =7+24+6+24+5.5+14 The question might be, can you still trust her. If yes, then maybe you guys are still good. But it may take you a while to know that, and I would put hte ring shopping on hold until then.

On the plus side, she did tell you, which suggests that at least right now in the present she is pretty committed. I hope. Or else feeling really guilty.

Man... this sucks. I'm sorry brother.

  • [-]
  • badtimebetty
  • 9 Points
  • 23:45:11, 26 March

Nope. Do not marry this one. She had an affair once, she will do it again.

  • [-]
  • codayus
  • 1 Points
  • 00:32:04, 27 March

> during the first two months we were dating she was sleeping with her ex, while making me hold out. We didn't have any particular talks saying we can't see other people but just from our talking and hanging out it was pretty definite that we said we were boyfriend girlfriend. She qualifies it as she wasn't "technically cheating"

That's tricky.

One the one hand... She was in a sexual relationship with her ex, and she was not in a sexual relationship with you. You say it was "pretty definite" that you were boyfriend girlfriend, from your "talking and hanging out", but that all sounds very subjective. If she had been banging both of your simultaneously, that would be very dodgy. If you had agreed to be exclusive or had any sort of formal talk about relationship status, she'd clearly be in the wrong. But as it stands...elsewhere you describe the situation as you "trying to get with her"; that doesn't sound like she was cheating; that makes it sound like she was refusing to cheat, since she apparently wasn't nearly as single as you imagined. Tehn again, two months is a long time not to mention her FWB with her ex, or whatever it was. Especially if you had a lot of dates in those two months, were making out, or saying romantic things. So, okay, it's maybe not technically cheating but...

...while I know people love to trot out that line about "technically correct is the best kind of correct!" the truth is anything that is going to be a negative surprise for your partner is a big deal. You clearly had a very different conception of how your relationship started than she did, and you're not pleased about it. Technical correctness matters a lot less than you needing to come to terms with this emotionally. Clearly what happened didn't meet your expectations, and pointing out that your expectations were not grounded in clear and explicit agreements changes very little.

> She went to a concert with some friends a while back failed, turns out someone invited her ex, but she didn't want to worry me at the time so she said nothing.

Meh. If you've had some sort of clear "look, I want to be told every single time you ever so much as meet one of your exes socially" talk then what she did is wrong (and you sound very over-controlling). Short of that, what she did isn't wrong, and I'm not sure why it's even in this list.

> Reason why she hates swallowing during sex is because her ex ruined it for her, because he would hold her down (yet she seemed pretty infatuated with him)

Much like point one but even more so, she would seem to be clearly in the right here, at least technically. She's not a virgin, you knew she's not a virgin. Yes, she's done sexual things in the past; some she will have enjoyed, some she will have hated. Yes, some move she uses that you love she probably learned from an ex; yes, some move you'd like to do she hates because of some other ex. Like every person on the face of the planet, she is a product of her experiences, and even if you like the whole package, you won't like some of those experiences. If you can't deal with it, don't think about it, because that's going to be true of every women you ever date (and that includes any actual virgins; even they will have things in their past that made them who they are today that you won't be comfortable with, even if they aren't sexual in nature).

On the other hand, much like point one, your emotional response is kinda understandable, and something you'll need to deal with. Nothing says you have to accept it, but this is, basically, your problem, and the solution (whatever it is) will have to come from you. I don't see any way your girlfriend is to blame for the fact that she had an unpleasant sexual experience in the past; it's like getting upset with someone because they got food poisoning from a bad hot dog once, and now they don't like hot dogs anymore. Regrettable? Yes. A personal failing? No.

What this comes down to is:

  1. The start of your relationship with her apparently wasn't what you assumed. As you say, she was sleeping with her ex while you were trying to get with her; apparently you thought she was a lot more single than she actually was. I have no idea of the details of what was said and done in those two months; you make it sound moderately harmless, but obviously I have no idea just how strongly an exclusive relationship was implied either. (Another reason why I advocate having explicit conversations about this stuff so strongly.) Either way, you can either deal with that or you can't (probably based on whether you end up deciding that you feel like you were effectively cheated on, or end up deciding that it was just a shitty situation resulting from bad communication).
  2. She's been letting these things drop, and it raises some questions about what else may be out there, and to what extent you can trust her.

As to point 2, I should stress that trust is critical in your relationship. And you say:

> (As of now the ex has moved to California so I don't have to worry about him)

Now if you wrote that to forestall any possible comments about "hur hur, dude, she's totally still fucking him!" then fine. But if you actually believe that the only reason you don't need to worry is physical distance, then this relationship is in a world of trouble.

Opportunities to cheat are everywhere. Either you trust your partner, or you don't.

What you should probably do is put wedding plans on hold until you're more confident that you've overcome your emotional response, that you have a good grasp of the situation, and that you actually trust your partner. If you believe that you will never trust your partner again, then walk away, because that should be a non-negotiable requirement.

Edit: Changed wording for clarity.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:38:59, 27 March

When I first heard this, I wanted to leave right away, however I let things cool down. I feel better about the relationship now, but god I get surges of anger. That I am some fucking idiot for staying with her.

  • [-]
  • codayus
  • 1 Points
  • 00:42:33, 27 March

> but god I get surges of anger. That I am some fucking idiot for staying with her.

If you're getting surges of anger at your partner, a marriage is probably unwise. More time to cool off may help. So might relationship counseling or couples therapy.

In fact, I'd strongly recommend relationship counseling. :)

  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 6 Points
  • 23:45:43, 26 March

I'm vehemently against the dating multiple people stuff, exclusivity talk or not. I wouldn't marry her if you're having even the slightest worry about it, two years isn't really that long of a relationship anyhow, too early to be getting married in my view. I'd hold this shit over her head which is probably less than healthy.

  • [-]
  • livinginsound
  • 1 Points
  • 00:43:07, 27 March

Stop the ring shopping immediately and get the relationship stuff sorted. Tell her the truth. Don't worry about sounding "whiny". I think most guys would feel pretty frustrated in your situation. Make sure to let her know that. If you don't, it'll seem like less of a deal than it is to her.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 6 Points
  • 23:47:55, 26 March

Woah dude.

Okay, if the only reason you don't have to worry about another man is because he's physically far away, then this is not the girl you want to marry. You obviously don't trust her, and only feel safe because the guy she fucked behind your back is currently inaccessible to her.

> Well first of all she tells me during the first two months we were dating she was sleeping with her ex, while making me hold out.

That is fucking fucked up. She's whoring it up with some guy she's not even dating, but she's making you wait, like she's some prize you have to earn? He fucks her without even having to buy her dinner, and you need to sit and wait your turn, while you are dating her. Uncool.

> Reason why she hates swallowing during sex is because her ex ruined it for her, because he would hold her down (yet she seemed pretty infatuated with him)

Seems like this has nothing to do with you, assuming you don't hold her down. Swallowing and being held down are completely different things. Seems like she's just feeding you a line of bullshit, and the bullshit boils down to, "I did this for my ex, but I'm not doing it for you."

Well surely you know my answer. I wouldn't marry her. Sorry to be harsh, but that's what the internet is for, and I really want to get across that I don't think she's a little wrong, I think she's a LOT wrong.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:03:19, 27 March

The making me hold out was because she told me she isn't "that kind of girl." So I was pretty upset hearing about this, I didn't spend a lot of money on her in the start but we both spent a lot of time together and when we weren't together we were talking/texting so I don't know how she could say she had such strong feelings for me when she had her ex on the side.

And I am not buying the sex thing either, she made no attempt to try to get better at it at all.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 6 Points
  • 00:08:33, 27 March

She told you she's not "that kind of girl"... yet she's fucking some guy behind your back? Sounds like she's totally that kind of girl, for some guys... she's just not that kind of girl for you.

About the sex thing and making no attempt to get better at it, that is complete bullshit. I know everyone seems to think that you can't talk about what a woman does or doesn't want to do in the bedroom, and everyone gets all self-righteous about it, but let's be honest... it's a favor that you do for your partner, no more and no less. It's not some sacred thing that only women are allowed to have an opinion on.

Especially when she's blatantly telling you that she did it for another guy, then what the hell? The fact that the guy she did it for treated her worse than you do is adding insult to injury, big-time. I mean, this is like if I said I never go down on women because one time I went down on a woman who was abusive. Does that make any fucking sense? Absolutely not. She's playing you, plain and simple.

Again I know I'm being kind of brutal, but I just hate seeing good guys go down this road, and you sound like a good guy. There are women out there who will treat you right, I promise. Save your ring money and buy a motorcycle or something instead.

  • [-]
  • Jacknamestheplanets
  • 1 Points
  • 00:18:10, 27 March

> Especially when she's blatantly telling you that she did it for another guy

Dude. He's said that her ex used to force her down, I'm assuming that if you're holding someone down during oral she's being forced to swallow.

Personally yeah, I'd find that if someone forced me to do something that it would probably turn me off doing them in future.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:22:24, 27 March

If this really was the case, than why did she keep sleeping with mr. abusive after they split up even while we were dating.

  • [-]
  • Jacknamestheplanets
  • 1 Points
  • 00:26:18, 27 March

> If this really was the case

So, not buying her explanation then?

People do a lot of messed up things in relationships, and stay in messed up relationships against all logic. But I'm not sure that you believe her or trust her at this stage so not sure if this is a moot discussion to be having.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:35:49, 27 March

Had she came out and told me this early on in the relationship or told me, and didn't practically cheat on me for the first 2 months, I would be more likely to believe it.

Right now, I am just mad.

  • [-]
  • Jacknamestheplanets
  • 1 Points
  • 00:47:52, 27 March

I completely agree with you. Don't get me wrong with my comments, I think she is totally in the wrong here; personally I think that what she's told you should make you seriously reconsider committing long term to this woman. If you had a conversation where you agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend then to me that's an exclusivity agreement. Which she broke.

I just think though that you're going to get a lot of comments that feed into that anger right now and might influence you making a decision based on anger.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:57:30, 27 March

I never thought we needed to have an exclusive talk, because from what she projected she wasn't the kind of girl to have sex without being in a relationship.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 00:34:46, 27 March

So she didn't hate it enough to leave the guy, she didn't hate it enough not to fuck him even after they broke up, she didn't hate it enough to cheat on her new boyfriend with him, but she did hate it enough to penalize her new boyfriend and deny him something that she used to give to her douchebag ex? And that sounds okay to you?

  • [-]
  • JohnyBoi95
  • 1 Points
  • 00:56:26, 27 March

/thread

  • [-]
  • Jacknamestheplanets
  • 1 Points
  • 00:40:18, 27 March

I think that if someone is forced to give someone head and are forced to swallow someone's cum then yes, I understand their reluctance to give other people head or swallow in future.

Stop for a second and consider the fucked up dynamics of a relationship where someone forces you to do something sexually and you stick around. You really think we're in logical land?

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 00:46:02, 27 March

Of course I think we're in logical land, because logic is what makes the world go 'round. If she had such a problem with whatever her ex did in bed, then it shouldn't have happened more than once, right? Seems like it happened a lot more than once. Seems like even if OP actually did hold her down and force his cum down her throat, she has demonstrated a track record of being absolutely fine with that. Although of course I don't think OP actually wants to do that. After all, OP is not her ex. He's a different person.

Let's pretend she really does have something against it, though, even though it's obviously bullshit. She should still do it, because it's a sexual favor. Favor. Get it? It's not for her or about her, it's for him and about him. That's how favors work.

A to B to C to D, it's simple.

If she's so warped and fucked in the head that she actually thinks that her situation, and the situation she's placed OP in, is something other than what I've described... then who the hell wants to marry her anyway?

  • [-]
  • Jacknamestheplanets
  • 1 Points
  • 00:49:11, 27 March

Your lack of empathy is kind of scary if her story is true. I think we're going to just have to disagree on this one.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 00:55:59, 27 March

It's not lack of empathy. OP's girlfriend is choosing to let her own decisions and choices in the past influence the way she treats OP, she expects OP to have a worse quality of life because of her own voluntary choices, and to be quite honest anyone who does that does not deserve empathy. It's not like OP's girlfriend was kept in a cage and raped. Relationships are totally voluntary.

In any situation that does not involve sex, I think you'd be more prone to be on my side. For instance, if you and I were dating and I said, "You know babe, the military used to force me to work out and eat healthy, and now that I'm out I just can't work out or eat healthy anymore. Because it reminds me of the military. So I'm gonna get grossly obese and be super unhealthy and probably die young, and you're just going to have to deal with it."

Would that be a reasonable thing to expect you, my SO, to deal with? Of course not! Right??

Edit: Spelling.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:21:41, 27 March

I appreciate the harshness, I don't want to jump into a shitty marriage.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 00:35:08, 27 March

IMO, do yourself a favor and pass this one up.

  • [-]
  • zfire2048
  • 1 Points
  • 00:22:17, 27 March

Yeah, you know, I'm re-thinking my comment earlier. You are totally right here. I don't know that it completely invalidates the relationship, but she has some serious owning up to do, and it sounds like she thinks she has OP wrapped around her finger. He'll 'wait' for her because she knows he will, not because she's 'not that kind of girl'.

  • [-]
  • InPursuitOf
  • 1 Points
  • 00:36:52, 27 March

Completely invalidate the relationship? I dunno, that might be a gray area.

Should he marry her and make her the queen of his life? Fuck no. IMO, of course.

  • [-]
  • JohnyBoi95
  • 1 Points
  • 00:55:52, 27 March

> She told you she's not "that kind of girl"... yet she's fucking some guy behind your back? Sounds like she's totally that kind of girl, for some guys... she's just not that kind of girl for you.

Holy shit! /thread

  • [-]
  • rbz90
  • 2 Points
  • 23:58:11, 26 March

>Well first of all she tells me during the first two months we were dating she was sleeping with her ex, while making me hold out.

That's the one that stings. 2 months into a relationship is way too far in to be sleeping with other people especially when you two weren't. If you were fucking some girl in those 2 months and she found out how cool would she be with it?

On one hand it's nice that she told you those things. She could have just hid it. On the other hand she could just be trying to clear her concious. I would hold off on the marriage. I'm not saying dump her that's ridiculous to do after 2 years but I wouldn't even get engaged at this point. This is new information that you have and you need time to process it and see if it will permanently affect the relationship.

  • [-]
  • majinspy
  • 2 Points
  • 00:01:38, 27 March

I'm most worried by her "technically" bullshit too. Own up. What she did was shitty. She was leading you on, making you wait, while getting railed by some other guy.

That's fucked, and its more fucked she won't admit it. Personally, if she admitted the wrongness of it, I'd be inclined to let it slide.

  • [-]
  • knopper-whopper
  • 2 Points
  • 00:02:07, 27 March

#1 is super messed up and here's why. She has obviously been thinking about this since it happened and has never told you about it before. Which means for 2 years she was fine with feeling guilty but keeping it to herself and letting you think that everything is fine and dandy. This is super unhealthy. Good on her for finally coming clean, but if I were you I would be very worried about the fact that she can keep a big secret like that for so long. How can you trust her knowing that she has that capacity?

edit: formating

  • [-]
  • J-Jazz
  • 1 Points
  • 00:25:19, 27 March

Don't buy the ring, and definitely dump her.

  • [-]
  • MonteLukast
  • 1 Points
  • 00:43:02, 27 March

At the risks of downvotes, I'm gonna try another point of view.

You say "just from our talking and hanging out, it was pretty definite that we said we were boyfriend girlfriend." Did you both actually mutually SAY that? Hanging out and talking for two months doesn't necessarily make you boyfriend/girlfriend, especially if she was already seeing another guy when you started talking and hanging out. Had she already broken up with her ex, or did they break up after you two started hanging out? There's a difference. If you BOTH hadn't mutually agreed that you were exclusive during that time, then I don't think she was cheating on anyone, technically or otherwise.

"...while making me hold out." What does this mean? Did you tell her you wanted to have sex with her and she "made you hold out"? Maybe she was interested in you but was trying to figure out how she felt about her ex and didn't want to give you the wrong idea until she was sure of how she felt.

As far as the concert goes, she probably knew that you'd be upset even though nothing happened, and she wanted to spare you that hurt. Maybe she used that concert as an opportunity to confirm to herself that she was really over her ex, but she knew you'd be upset if you knew that they were at the same place at the same time.

The swallow thing has nothing to do with you. Not swallowing is a pretty stupid thing to be angry with her about.

Look, you're obviously hurting, and I agree that it's not the time to get engaged. But I'm thinking she tried to be honest with you, and you reacted exactly the way she feared you would. This is why she didn't tell you this stuff in the first place. But she wants to be honest with you even at the risk of hurting you and screwing up your engagement plans. Once you get over the initial hurt, take a step back and try to see it her way. None of this is a deal breaker in my opinion.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:56:27, 27 March

It's nice to hear different perspectives. When I asked this question I didn't just want people telling me dump the slut but here I'll go.

When we were together, she told me she loved me, but she wasn't that kind of girl. She had broken up with her ex 6 months before but they were still sleeping together.

The swallow thing I take it as a personal rejection that she did it for the other guy that often treated her poorly, but did it to please him.

  • [-]
  • RtSPaTY
  • 1 Points
  • 23:46:41, 26 March

That's all pretty rough stuff. I empathize with how your feeling. I wouldn't like to hear any of that either. It sounds like all of her dishonesty is associated with her ex. You need to have a serious conversation with her about her feelings for him. If you can't trust what she says to you about it, then that is a huge problem. Unfortunately, there's not a good clean answer that you can get from an internet stranger.

You have to think seriously about whether these dishonesties have cut so deeply into your ability to trust her that she is no longer the girl you want to marry. If that's the case, then move on, if not then try and move past it. If you stay with her then dwelling is unfair to both of you.

If you choose to work through it, I'd recommend that you see someone, especially about your preoccupation with the sex thing. That sort of resentment can really poison a relationship, and it's not something where talking it over and over with your SO is going to be healthy. A therapist's office would be a safe place to air those frustrations.

  • [-]
  • al_funcoot
  • 1 Points
  • 00:12:37, 27 March

2 years of emotional investment doesn't mean shit in light of her revelations. Forget sunk costs,if you stick with her knowing this information all it says is you are a push over. You can do better. Girls out there exist, who are just as funny and quirky and god knows what like your gf. Go for them. My advice is to end this relationship. If you truly respect yourself then realize you have options.

  • [-]
  • misskay44
  • 1 Points
  • 00:44:57, 27 March

This is rough. Shes withheld a lot of stuff from you and like you said, if she wasn't feeling guilty about these things, she would've mentioned them earlier. Take some serious time to think about how this makes you feel about her and if you could even trust her again. Even if you think you still may want to marry her, you'd be best off postponing an engagement until you can trust her again.

  • [-]
  • BanFauxNews
  • 1 Points
  • 00:49:37, 27 March

NOPE. She'll cheat again. Do you really want to risk the rest of your life and financial security for a cheater? Why even get married? For minimal tax and health benefits? HA! If she loves you so much, she won't need a ring to steal your money in the future.

  • [-]
  • VennDiaphragm
  • 1 Points
  • 00:50:39, 27 March

What do you do? Say this: "I want to put the engagement on hold until I can process what you told me. I'm not happy about it."

What she told you is extremely troubling. It may or may not be the tip of the iceberg. But even if it's everything, it's still not good. If you are being trickle truthed, then the marriage has to be over. You need to find out if this is the case.

If you get to the point that you are confident she's told you every single thing, just give some time to let it sink in and decide if you will be OK with forgiving her.

Don't ever marry the wrong woman, and don't ever marry the right woman if she's someone who cheats. Be pretty fucking sure before you marry. BTW, 2 years is nothing. You don't know her that well.

  • [-]
  • JohnyBoi95
  • 1 Points
  • 00:51:33, 27 March

dude don't do it .... It seems like she's just settling for you, think about it: makes you wait for sex while banging ex, complains about swallowing because of ex but is infatuated with him!? not to even mention the concert but I sense some trickle truth.

Major red flags. she isn't over that guy

  • [-]
  • cali_dave
  • 1 Points
  • 00:52:05, 27 March

You're going to have trust issues with this girl for a LONG time.

My advice: Walk away. She's proven that she's fully capable of hiding things from you. Even if she doesn't have anything else to hide as long as you both are together, you'll always be wondering if she is. You'll always wonder if that "girls night out" was something else.

Dump her ass and find a woman that ISN'T a liar.

  • [-]
  • DearestOlivia
  • 1 Points
  • 00:35:44, 27 March

So I'm imagining a scenario where the ex comes back from California and you're already married.

He asks her out for coffee to "catch up" on things and she somehow ends up at his place.

And when you find out she feeds you this beautifully crafted line: "It technically wasn't sex, because there was no penetration."

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:40:18, 27 March

I don't understand the appeal of this guy, he isn't some model, he isn't rich. I don't know if he has some huge dick or something. I really want to know why my gf was so infatuated with him.

  • [-]
  • DearestOlivia
  • 1 Points
  • 00:50:29, 27 March

You can't explain infatuations logically. I was infatuated with a complete loser for six years. To this day I can't explain why I had such a hard time moving on.

Question: She said she stopped sleeping with him a couple of months into your relationship. Did she stop because he moved away or because she got serious with you?

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:58:04, 27 March

I can't answer that right now, reading some of these comments make me hate my gf.

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • -1 Points
  • 23:50:12, 26 March

Don't get married until you are 100%. It can wait. Right after the two year point tends to be slightly rough for many couples anyway, as that's when the initial bonding chemicals wear off. This is a good time to work through the tough patches and stitch up loose ends.

It's good that she's being honest. Do yourself and your girl a favor though: if you're gonna be sore over her ex "tainting" sex for you, be mad at the ex, be supportive with your girl. He did that shitty thing to her, and it's up to you to be patient and to make better sexual experiences, and up to her to heal.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:01:43, 27 March

the thing with the sex part is she hasn't done anything in the two years we were together to try to open up at all in that department. she just said its something whores and pornstars do.

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • 1 Points
  • 00:10:06, 27 March

Hey, I have issues with oral shame (in reverse though--I was made to feel ashamed of receiving) that were seeded practically a decade ago that I still have vague bad feelings over even with a completely supportive guy. Sex stuff is really hard to work through, especially because it's bad jujubees to talk about sex in our culture.

From my standpoint, if it's the case that she gives you oral but just would rather not swallow the come that's pretty reasonable. Especially if she's willing to have fun with where else it might be deposited.

That's just my take on it though, and I know people have varying levels of little things that they're uncomfortable with during sex (like a guy wanting to keep his shirt on, for example). It seems pretty workable, or work-around-able.

It might help to work with BDSM safe words (nonverbal) should you wish to build up trust in that department, for example you could hold her hand and instruct her to squeeze if she feels uncomfortable but willing to continue, and dig in her nails for a full stop.

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:20:36, 27 March

with the oral stuff I didn't care much, until she told me she swallowed for the other guy.

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • 1 Points
  • 00:23:12, 27 March

Because he forced her to, innit?

  • [-]
  • engaged4
  • 1 Points
  • 00:24:56, 27 March

she is saying forced, but I am looking to her actions. Even though she is making it out to be such a traumatic experience, why did she stay with him even after they broke up. Even while we were together she was still sleeping with him.

Was it "technically forced" in some kinky way?

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • 1 Points
  • 00:32:23, 27 March

Staying with an abuser =/= the abuser isn't abusing/abusive. Abuse is manipulative and insidious, and victims often blame themselves or find ways to rationalize staying because they are being manipulated/controlled.

I can't say what did or didn't happen but I know all too well how frequently people go back to abusive shitheads. I'd suggest doing some to the library! (or to the Google!) footwork on abuse, it may give you valuable insight.

  • [-]
  • al_funcoot
  • 1 Points
  • 00:10:06, 27 March

OP if there was ever any advice to ignore, its this blurb right here.

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • 1 Points
  • 00:14:21, 27 March

Pardon, can you explain what's wrong with my advice? "Don't get married unless/until you're certain" and "as for that sex thing you're worried about, remember that it's inflicted by someone else (who should be the target of pissyness, if any)", broken down.

This is a genuine question, not trying to fight. I didn't address the infidelity/dishonesty bits because I don't purport to know how OP feels and deals with those things, just wanted to answer for what I thought I could help with.

  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 1 Points
  • 00:48:09, 27 March

I think it's the "support her no matter what" bit. She might not be entitled to it depending on the truth and how you choose to look at the situation.

  • [-]
  • littlestray
  • 1 Points
  • 00:56:25, 27 March

I mean the support (I didn't say "no matter what") purely regarding the sexual situation where she feels uncomfortable swallowing because her ex used to hold her head down. And by support I mean assist her through it as a caring partner, if and only if OP decides to stay with her and that that little sexual tidbit was still an issue.

I chose not to give advice on whether or not he should stay, I just wanted to comment on the sexual bit as it stood out to me.

Does that clarify well? Thanks for your insight.

  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 1 Points
  • 01:02:34, 27 March

Yeah. I just got the feeling reading it the first time you were implying he had to stand by her regardless because of the poor sexual situation.