My (27/f) boyfriend (31/m) "proposed" to me and I just can't get over the negative feelings I have about the way it was done (self.relationships)

relationships

1051 ups - 292 downs = 759 votes

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now. We live together and basically know that we are going to marry one another.

I always daydreamed about the act of the proposal, that we might go to some beautiful location such as a serene lake or something else romantic (what can I say, I'm a sap). Every time I would day-dream about that moment he asks me to to marry him, I get a little teary-eyed and emotional because I love him.

For a little back story, I recently obtained a job in my chosen field and am enjoying working and making a decent salary. My boyfriend has a very good job with a high salary in the 6 figures (this will be relevant in a moment).

Last night while I was watching television, he comes into the room and with the same tone that he could have asked "what's for dinner", he asks, "wanna be married?". I assumed I didn't hear what he said so I asked him to repeat it and he does. He's just standing there while I'm staring at him. I ask, "are you serious"? and he nods and points to a plastic bag from Wal-Mart on the table. At this point I am really confused, but I got up and picked up the bag. Inside was a ring that looked like it was shaped out of a wire of silver, into the shape of a heart. It was just laying in the bag with the receipt in there $9.99. I started to laugh because I thought it was a joke (a cruel joke, but still a joke). He got seriously offended and didn't understand why I would assume it's a joke.

Basically at this point I realized he was not joking and truly just "proposed" with this ring. Granted, I'm not a spoiled person, I don't need a 3 carat diamond ring but I do want something that will last and that I can wear everyday for the rest of my life which won't turn my finger black for crying out loud. A $9 ring from wal-mart? He is not hard up on cash, he makes in the 6 figures. I knew he was frugal but this is just insane to me.

I spoke to a friend of mine who suggested maybe this was just a "test" to see how I react to a non-expensive ring, and that there must be a real ring hiding somewhere. I wanted to believe this, but after confirming with him, sadly it's not true and this is the real deal. After thinking about all of the times I noted his cheap behavior, I began realizing this too was no different. What I can't understand is why he wouldn't at least attempt to make the whole thing a little bit more sincere or romantic. It just makes me so hurt and upset.

I don't want to come off as some entitled person but I am just so broken hearted. Brokenhearted because he asked me to marry him like he was asking for the time and brokenhearted because he pointed to some wal-mart bag instead of at least making the act nicer.

This is supposed to be a pivotal moment in our lives and instead I feel like shit.

I tried to understand where he was coming from and after he got over being upset at me, he explained that rings are stupid and he refuses to pay more than a few dollars for one. I tried to explain that this is something you wear for years and years, it signifies your love and commitment toward one another. He is just so thick-headed he refused to see it from any other light. I asked him why he would even get a ring at all if he feels this way; he said because he knew I wanted a nice engagement ring. If I knew he was going to get something like what he got, I wouldn't have wanted any ring at all. It felt like a slap in the face.

This has been about 4 days ago and I still can't get over how he chose to do this. Before this happened, I had these plans of buying him a really nice timepiece for when he proposed to me, as a symbol of my commitment and so he can wear something that symbolizes our engagement. Now, I don't even know if I want to remain in this relationship.

Honestly this whole situation made me feel like shit, like I'm dirt and don't deserve a more meaningful or sincere proposal or ring. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I am at a complete loss right now.

Tl;Dr bf proposed in a shitty way, made me feel like shit, and tried to pacify me with a $9 wal-mart engagement ring.

Edit: The mods asked me to remove the link to the ring. If you want to see it, you can go on Walmart's site and type in "Heart Cutout Ring in Sterling Silver". It should be the first result.

743 comments submitted at 22:09:13 on Dec 17, 2013 by WickerBaskets

  • [-]
  • canyonmist
  • 213 Points
  • 23:30:49, 17 December

I can't imagine too any people , male or female who wouldn't be offended by this.

First of all, I can understand him believing expensive rings are stupid. That's not uncommon.

However, he knew you wouldn't like a 10 dollar Walmart ring and got it for you anyway. Idk, but when most people propose, they're not deliberately trying to hurt/anger their partner at the same time.

Sometimes, you swallow your beliefs to make your SO happy. He couldn't ignore his distaste for rings for one moment, for something as monumental as a proposal?

And his explanation for the shitty ring doesn't explain the rest of the shitty proposal. He couldn't take you to a lake or dinner or do anything besides point at the bag?

Something is off. Is he usually this disrespectful ? Is he harboring resentment? This might also be the start of a pattern of behavior where he trains you to set your standards low so he doesn't have to put in effort.

How invested are you in this relationship? You seem to disagree on money a lot. And his stubbornness and lack of empathy won't go away with marriage. IMO, if not too invested, you can do better.

  • [-]
  • Democrab
  • 64 Points
  • 07:26:02, 18 December

> Sometimes, you swallow your beliefs to make your SO happy. He couldn't ignore his distaste for rings for one moment, for something as monumental as a proposal?

Especially for what is essentially a gift...You don't buy a present based on what you want, but on what the intended recipient wants.

  • [-]
  • misseff
  • 383 Points
  • 23:23:02, 17 December

I'm not really the romantic type and my husband and I basically just had a "wanna get married?" talk, but reading your post made me feel so sad. You're not wrong for feeling how you feel. Giving you a $9 ring from Walmart "because you wanted something nice" is just a slap in the face. I really can't imagine why he would be doing this. You really need to have a heart to heart with him and figure out why he thought this was a good idea, maybe with a counselor?

  • [-]
  • Jsnave
  • 283 Points
  • 01:06:19, 18 December

Not only that but leaving the receipt in the bag. So she knows how little he gives a shit. Basic gift giving etiquette says don't leave the price tags on...

  • [-]
  • NWVoS
  • 27 Points
  • 05:20:13, 18 December

It wasn't even a gift receipt.

  • [-]
  • Bronxie
  • 92 Points
  • 03:55:39, 18 December

Even if he just yelled "gotcha" and pulled a beautiful ring out, that would not salvage the cruelty of this whole thing.

  • [-]
  • explodikus
  • 22 Points
  • 07:31:08, 18 December

I think it would've.

  • [-]
  • coffeecappa
  • 20 Points
  • 08:46:27, 18 December

I don't think pranks are appropriate for proposals, especially since OP is clearly a romantic person.

  • [-]
  • yourlinda
  • 10 Points
  • 06:42:04, 18 December

Or that you take them out of the plastic bag you bought them in and at least present them in a nice way...

  • [-]
  • Aucurrant
  • 140 Points
  • 03:15:28, 18 December

I totally agree and my wedding ring cost $30. It isn't the cost of the ring it it the feeling behind it and frankly if he threw it in her lap it would have had more feeling.

I would return it, say "no thank you" and go stay with my mum.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 88 Points
  • 04:08:37, 18 December

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • NWVoS
  • 19 Points
  • 04:57:37, 18 December

You didn't reply to the OP so you may want to copy it to a reply to her.

  • [-]
  • Rocketeers
  • 68 Points
  • 04:04:00, 18 December

I came into this post expecting to dislike OP because I am not generally a fan of extravagant engagements. I figured the guy did the best he could and she's probably ungrateful. But his behavior seems especially, idk, rude? I would never hand my boyfriend a gift with the price tag. Idk. Why would anyone propose like that? If he just wanted a simple, 'hey let's get married,' with no fan fare, fine. But what he did seems like he was trying to sabotage it? But then why even bother?

  • [-]
  • notevenremotely
  • 64 Points
  • 06:03:10, 18 December

He sounds like the kind of guy at a holiday party that has to explain he doesn't celebrate Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. because they're too corporate - but has to be miserable the whole night or else it'll look like he's giving into the Man. He's trying to compromise with her desire for an engagement ring with his dislike for the fanfare - but he isn't really compromising for her. He could have proposed with her favorite wine bottle, cat, action figure, flowers, etc. But hell, if he's making 6 figures then it's not the Man keeping him down, it's his own chagrin for showing affection or emotional responsibility. He sounds immature and lazy.

  • [-]
  • icantmakethisup
  • 4 Points
  • 14:32:21, 18 December

I'd say yes if I was proposed to with a cat.

EDIT: Hey, it's still my cake day! Cool.

  • [-]
  • Baalsabo
  • 303 Points
  • 01:23:00, 18 December

Wow, he sounds exactly like my dad. Just to give you an idea, my dad once bought my mom a frying pan her birthday, made me wear a black trash bag for a Halloween costume (as a ten year-old this was devastating), and gave my mom a piece of toast with a candle on it instead of a cake for her birthday... while also making a six-digit salary.

My dad didn't even "propose" to my mom, he just found out he was pregnant and called his dad to say he was getting married instead of asking my mom if she wanted to. My mom kind of took it, because... well... she loved him a lot. You sound like her, too.

I can't really give you much in the way of answers, but I can tell you that my parent's marriage ended after 18 years. This is a pretty long time, but a huge reason for this was one of my brothers has severe disabilities. I don't know to what extent this affected them... maybe they just felt forced to stay together?

When my dad left us (right before I made it to college), he told my mom that "he never really loved her". He has since remarried, and spends conspicuously for his new wife (she's his age and makes her own salary, so he's not some sugar daddy). Sometimes I go to their house and think "fuck, do I even mean anything to you?"

I feel like my mom and I have always been a footnote on my dad's life. He never beat me or anything, but he also never paid any attention to me... he has no idea what my interests are, and I have no desire to open up to him or anything... it'd be like talking to a stranger. He may as well not have been there at all.

I can ask for things from him, but I have to haggle. He only views my relationship to him as a transaction. Yes, he can help pitch in a little bit for my studies... but there's always an asterisk telling me that he expects some kind of return. He never shows any affection, and as much as I wish the nature of our relationship was different, I don't really want to show affection him either.

I hate to put it this way, because it sounds like you love him the same way my mom loved my dad... but I believe that if you do marry him, you're going to be miserable. If he can't even give a little more to show you that he loves you in his proposal... don't expect him to do it for anything else ever again.

It seems to me like his mind is more on his possessions than it is on you. My (maternal) uncle was poor as fuck when he proposed to my aunt, but that motherfucker did absolutely everything he could to show my aunt he loved her. It wasn't a fancy ring or wedding or anything, but it was clear to everyone in my family that she meant a lot to him.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

  • [-]
  • WickerBaskets
  • 130 Points
  • 02:41:47, 18 December

Wow. That puts a lot of things in perspective for me.

Thank you for sharing that.

  • [-]
  • dinosaur_train
  • 86 Points
  • 02:54:35, 18 December

if you marry him

> don't expect him to do it for anything else ever again.

ya know, op, that's true. the tone of the engagement is, here is the minimal, that is all you are worth to me and all that i'll ever do for you. there was a reason you dreamed of a good proposal and it wasn't just for superficial reasoning. you were looking for a loving statement that would assure you this was right. well, he made a statement alright. every time he scrooges and lets you down from here on out, you'll know that's what you accepted by marrying him so you won't even be able to complain. /shudders sounds like a nightmare.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 11 Points
  • 03:14:53, 18 December

It does.

  • [-]
  • Marauder
  • 241 Points
  • 05:09:56, 18 December

I had a chance to talk to a marriage counselor at a party once. She had been doing it for 20 something years. I asked her what the number 1 sign is that a marriage isn't going to work and without pausing she said "Showing contempt for their partners feelings". If one partner shows contempt for the other partner's feelings, it is all over. His frugal nature isn't the problem, his social ineptitude isn't the problem. The problem is that the minute he saw that his proposal caused you pain, he should have moved to correct his mistake. Not doing that demonstrates a contempt for you feelings and that is a flaw that cannot be fixed. It is better to find out now. I'm so sorry.

  • [-]
  • SallySubterfuge
  • 52 Points
  • 05:44:50, 18 December

This should be the top comment because it encapsulates the key issue so succinctly.

This is what ended my marriage ten years ago. My ex-husband was just completely contemptuous of me every time I tried to express honestly what I was feeling. It got to the point where I just could not take it anymore. He never cheated, he was never physically abusive -- but in many ways his complete disregard for anything that I needed from him -- basic emotional needs like acknowledgement, validation, emotional security -- hurt much worse.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 11 Points
  • 05:58:26, 18 December

I can only imagine how painful that must have been.

  • [-]
  • SallySubterfuge
  • 14 Points
  • 06:08:04, 18 December

It was. And after divorcing him things were far from perfect. It's taken me years to really accept that I am worth being with someone who truly cares about my needs, and to not settle for anything less. Old patterns don't just disappear overnight, and it takes time to understand that women who find themselves in this situation in some ways are contributing to their own unhappiness with the pattern of choices they make. That is sometimes a tough cycle to break.

I have a great boyfriend now though. We've been together six months almost and he's a wonderful guy who makes me feel very happy and safe. It was worth the wait.

  • [-]
  • empirialest
  • 18 Points
  • 06:36:53, 18 December

>I had a chance to talk to a marriage counselor at a party once. She had been doing it for 20 something years. I asked her what the number 1 sign is that a marriage isn't going to work and without pausing she said "Showing contempt for their partners feelings".

Oof. That struck a chord with me, and reminded me of literally every prior boyfriend I've had. Finally dating a great guy now, but I just wanted to say, this is seriously the gravity of what's happening in the original post. Thanks.

  • [-]
  • DieselMcArthur
  • 19 Points
  • 04:35:33, 18 December

I'm not a rich man. I do not necessarily believe or support the glitz and the glamour of modern marriage. But the union of two people is sacred, and the ring is the act that signifies this hugely important act. It is special, and you are special, and you deserve what yor heart tells you is true. I will likely delete this comment, but thought you should know that I feel for you, OP. I hope you make the right decision, no matter what that may be. :)

  • [-]
  • tangledwhiskers
  • 13 Points
  • 04:06:54, 18 December

that's so sad :(

  • [-]
  • ksz
  • 176 Points
  • 00:39:02, 18 December

That ring is like leaving a one penny tip instead of no tip - it's an extra special fuck you.

Not saying he meant it that way but that is how it comes across.

  • [-]
  • ass_munch_reborn
  • 38 Points
  • 06:14:23, 18 December

Damn - that response totally changed my way of thinking (not being sarcastic BTW).

Just wanted to thank you for a really good analogy.

  • [-]
  • vlue_belvet
  • 580 Points
  • 22:16:06, 17 December

As someone who hasn't ever fantasized about a wedding/ring I think this is pretty messed up. Why even propose at all? I would feel the same as you to be honest.

Have you and him ever discussed marriage? Do you think that he was ever aware of how important this was to you?

  • [-]
  • WickerBaskets
  • 224 Points
  • 22:18:20, 17 December

Thanks for replying. Yeah we talked about it, nothing in stone or anything. Just light banter how we will get married at some point. I shared with him how exciting it would be, that moment he would ask. I shared with him my feelings on this matter. He knew. That makes this so much worse.

  • [-]
  • moogleiii
  • 270 Points
  • 00:32:36, 18 December

Probably should have answered, "Nah, I'm cool."

  • [-]
  • Romantic_Man
  • 72 Points
  • 02:37:05, 18 December

Or a simple "k."

  • [-]
  • TheFox51
  • 58 Points
  • 03:10:57, 18 December

"Meh I guess... whatevs"

  • [-]
  • NWVoS
  • 5 Points
  • 05:02:57, 18 December

I don't know why, but all of these atm seem like they would be an awesome answer in the sense that what we already had is so great getting married wouldn't add anything to it. Granted, I would then want flying hugs and laughter two seconds later.

  • [-]
  • tiggyvashti7
  • 144 Points
  • 00:26:24, 18 December

That's what makes this so difficult... he knew how excited you were about the moment. How much it meant to you. He didn't do anything to make the moment special FOR you although he knew how you felt. Whether or not he's frugal, he could have had better intentions with how things were presented to you...if only to let you know that you're significant enough to him and his life to make an effort.

I'm just imagining my boyfriend saying something to me from across the room, like "wanna be married?" and then pointing to a bag elsewhere...and just...ugh. My boyfriend isn't even generally romantic, but he wouldn't minimize the importance of the moment by making everything so generic.

I mean, your boyfriend didn't have to just point somewhere. That's so informal...belittling the importance of everything. "Oh, you wanna be married? The ring is over there in that corner with the Chinese food takeout and some old magazines." He could have sat down with you...told you how important you are to him and that he wants to spend his life with you. Telling someone how important they are to you doesn't come with a pricetag.

This really has very little to do with the cost of the ring, in my opinion. It has to do with him not showing you that you're a valuable part of his past, present, and future...and it seems clear that he's not willing to put the effort into making you feel validated as a partner.

  • [-]
  • nikicee
  • 8 Points
  • 04:18:34, 18 December

Well put!! Totally agree!

  • [-]
  • Ecuadorable
  • 4 Points
  • 04:57:43, 18 December

This was perfectly put.

  • [-]
  • Wolf2121
  • 119 Points
  • 23:24:54, 17 December

I understand why your mad about the ring but I would have said no just because how he asked. I mean its in the bag and he asked you like it was a pizza order.

  • [-]
  • MrBleah
  • 27 Points
  • 03:30:11, 18 December

Yeah, this settles it for me, he's definitely an inconsiderate ass. It would be one thing if he thought you weren't the sentimental type about this sort of thing, but he knew what you wanted and that he knew and he not only went with the cheapo ring, but also just blew off the whole proposal and asked you as if it was some sort of casual conversation while you're watching television, that's pretty damning. I mean, it would be one thing if he got you the cheapo ring and made a heartfelt proposal, but it seems as if he just kind of tried to pass it off as a fait accompli and that's the worst part from my point of view.

I mean, I didn't pay for my wife's ring, it came from a family member that passed away and we would not have bought anything fancy at the time anyway, my ring was a $150 white gold plain band, but a $9.99 Walmart special and then to boot the lack of sentiment involved in the proposal?

You need to come straight out and tell him that he fucked up and why he fucked up and how he fucked up. Tell him that his proposal was for shit and if he thought it was supposed to mean something then he should have attempted to make it meaningful and if he doesn't think it means anything then forget it, because you don't need to be married to him. Tell him the ring isn't the main issue, but for chrissakes you want to wear something and you would rather it not be one step up from a toy that comes out a Cracker Jack box.

  • [-]
  • BillsInATL
  • 18 Points
  • 00:35:22, 18 December

This has to be a Christmas prank then.

  • [-]
  • coffeecappa
  • 8 Points
  • 08:50:07, 18 December

It being a prank would not make it better but worse. She was actually hurt as a result of this joke. Making a prank of the proposal is as manipulative as joke breaking up with someone just to see their reaction.

  • [-]
  • thelemurologist
  • 242 Points
  • 22:54:04, 17 December

I feel the same way. What the absolute hell?! I'm not at all materialistic, but if my husband had given me a ring like this when he proposed, I would have said no. I don't want a big, flashy one, but like OP said, I want something that will last.

This is awful. He's supposed to know what he's getting into before he proposes. Which if he does, as I assume from OP's post and comments, then this is just more than cruel. I can't think of any reason for him to pull this.

There's being cheap and then there's this. Even cheap people buy something nice and expensive. Did he take into consideration how many times he'll have to buy you a cheap new ring to replace that one when it falls apart? You can buy a cheap engagement ring at Walmart for little over $100, so his excuse that he refuses to pay more for one are bullshit.

Dump him. His behavior is despicable.

  • [-]
  • iamagainstit
  • 196 Points
  • 00:02:04, 18 December

the way I see it, the ring/cheapness is not even the biggest problem,The total lack of effort or romance is.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 136 Points
  • 00:23:06, 18 December

To me, it's the fact that he did this knowing that it would probably hurt/upset the OP.

  • [-]
  • BillsInATL
  • 43 Points
  • 00:36:19, 18 December

That's why I keep posting that this is just the setup to a prank and the real ring and proposal are coming on Christmas. No way can any guy be that bad.

  • [-]
  • meowlaxy
  • 107 Points
  • 00:46:06, 18 December

Even if it is a prank though, it still seems like a huge red flag to me. Fake-proposing with a fake-ring a full week before Christmas, and then ardently defending what you've done for that full week while making your intended feel like a piece of shit... that's not smart at all.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 52 Points
  • 00:54:59, 18 December

That would be mean spirited and even if the OP's boyfriend does give a ring I'd consider it a major red flag.

  • [-]
  • meowlaxy
  • 39 Points
  • 01:00:04, 18 December

Me too. He's purposefully making her feel awful.

  • [-]
  • sinenox
  • 19 Points
  • 05:16:49, 18 December

Yeah, and what is the endgame if it is a prank? You either have to have the mentality that her emotions don't matter, or that you're doing her a favor by proposing so you're owed some kind of entertainment first?...I just can't fathom it.

  • [-]
  • feralcatromance
  • 10 Points
  • 03:53:15, 18 December

I feel like this is what Chandler did on Friends.

  • [-]
  • uidori
  • 7 Points
  • 04:02:29, 18 December

Yeah, but some people do overcommit to jokes...

  • [-]
  • BillsInATL
  • 7 Points
  • 04:49:20, 18 December

Oh I agree. If it is a joke, it's a dumb one, and going as poorly as it should. Bad move either way.

  • [-]
  • Swtcherrypie
  • 22 Points
  • 02:29:27, 18 December

Joke or not, it'd be a no after some shit like that.

  • [-]
  • thelemurologist
  • 64 Points
  • 00:53:01, 18 December

Yeah. The fact that he gave it to her still in the bag with the receipt is just mindblowing. Either this was just some really fucked up test designed to gauge her reaction or he's a completely emotionally unavailable. It scares me to think of what his future kids could turn out.

I've had friends and family who've had parents who did this sort of thing to their kids. They all have self-worth issues. This is emotional abuse.

  • [-]
  • Raincoats_George
  • 13 Points
  • 03:26:59, 18 December

this would be the correct answer. If done correctly you could propose with a ring from a crackerjack box. But this guy seems to have no concept of well... anything.

  • [-]
  • runblue
  • 66 Points
  • 23:33:30, 17 December

My husband and I used to joke about how stupid rings were, the blood diamond history, the meaningless symbolism,etc when we were dating. Neither of us are romantic. he proposed to me in a paddleboat in the lake near our house while we shared a box of franzia. He did it with the concept of a tattoo band which we had both agreed we liked before, but with the added idea of being in binary which I loved. You can have something nontraditional and cheaper without being nonemotional. That was perfect for us. Sounds like he is still having trouble with respecting the concept of marriage and finding something suited to you.

  • [-]
  • Advancedphish
  • 34 Points
  • 03:42:22, 18 December

Heck, they had an eternity knot on the same page that I would gladly have taken as an engagement ring. (My mother would have flipped out, but what can you do?) The heart ring her got her looks like something you buy for a kid. My husband proposed to me while we were lying in bed without a ring at all. It felt like he meant it though! Not like, wanna get married? Make me a sandwich while you get your ring out of the sack on the table. Thanks babe. :: ass smack as you walk to the kitchen ::

  • [-]
  • thelemurologist
  • 8 Points
  • 07:20:01, 18 December

I get the feeling that if she had said no, he literally would have shrugged it off, returned the ring, and acted as if nothing happened. I really feel like no matter what she said, he's reaction would have been exactly the same, just "Meh, whatever."

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 224 Points
  • 22:58:39, 17 December

No ring would actually have been better than the one given.

  • [-]
  • chotheamazing
  • 200 Points
  • 23:47:56, 17 December

If someone couldn't afford a decent ring (the ones I have looked at while 3am amazon browsing have all been less than $300), then it's like.. be creative. Hell, I'd probably fall a thousand times for someone ripping a string off their shirt and saying "I can't afford the ring you deserve right now, but this knot represents our love and it's a promise I'm willing to work towards every day" - as he ties a string around my finger.

Hell, my fantasies are even a better love story than twilight.

  • [-]
  • kilgore_trout8989
  • 91 Points
  • 02:31:41, 18 December

Yeah, I fall into both the frugal and "hate diamond rings" category and this guy is just being a major asshole. I'd never buy a diamond engagement ring nor would I spend an exorbitant amount of money on a ring at all, but I'll be goddamned if I wouldn't put all of my effort into a beautiful proposal and a pretty ring. Hell the $10 ring wouldn't even be an issue if he wasn't blatantly showing that he absolutely doesn't give a shit.

I mean, really, a fucking receipt? You don't even let that shit be seen by someone you're giving a gift to, let alone an engagement ring!

  • [-]
  • aerynmoo
  • 53 Points
  • 04:33:22, 18 December

There are plenty of beautiful sterling silver rings with gemstones other than diamonds that he could have used as an engagement ring that would have been frugal but beautiful.

My husband proposed to me with a 10$ Target ring but he was making 15k a year and it was all he could afford. But he made it count and acted like he cared.

  • [-]
  • zeezle
  • 25 Points
  • 07:01:37, 18 December

Yup. For me at least it wasn't the dollar value but the complete lack of enthusiasm or regard for OPs feelings that made it sour for me. At least act interested while proposing!

  • [-]
  • Snowleaf
  • 5 Points
  • 12:00:54, 18 December

Even looking it up on the Walmart site, there are prettier, sturdier, and all-around nicer rings for only a fraction more money on the first page of results. It's like he just picked the cheapest ring out there. I'm not a diamond-ring girl myself and my engagement ring was pretty cheap and my proposal was very casual, but there was a lot of heart and thought put into it by my now husband. That makes all the difference.

  • [-]
  • Squid_Anus
  • 21 Points
  • 06:15:56, 18 December

Seriously! I am the same, frugal, ethically against diamonds. My wedding set cost about $100 total and I demanded (well, my husband very much wanted it too) to be married in a courthouse to avoid a wedding party. I even told my husband that I wouldn't accept a public proposal, it needed to be private, not flashy. He proposed to me sitting on our back patio.

But he did it with heart. He told me how much he loved me, WHY he was proposing, and asked very sweetly for me to be his wife.

I don't care how frugal or casual you are, it's a proposal. Make it sound like you give a shit at least. I'd be just as upset as OP.

  • [-]
  • tealparadise
  • 4 Points
  • 05:39:11, 18 December

Exactly! Just make an effort! I totally respect that someone doesn't want to buy a ring. I don't respect the total disregard for ceremony. If this is how much the engagement means to him, how could he possibly understand the symbolism of the wedding ceremony? He's probably doing it for the tax break.

  • [-]
  • SlimShanny
  • 43 Points
  • 00:02:25, 18 December

My friend did this. They are happily married.

  • [-]
  • lawrnk
  • 20 Points
  • 04:28:30, 18 December

OP, I understand. He could have spent even 100 and gotten something that would last. For me the issue here is he made zero effort. If he will be this flippant about one of the most important decisions in his life, what do you expect going forward?

  • [-]
  • VividLotus
  • 15 Points
  • 04:17:00, 18 December

Exactly. Or something cheap, maybe even just a tiny bit more expensive than what OP's boyfriend spent, but with thought put into it. For example, the now-husband of one of my friends could not afford a fancy ring when he wanted to propose, due to an unexpected huge medical bill. She is obsessed with rainbows, so instead he got her a silver ring with rainbow-colored gemstones in it, and I think he spent around $50. It was a great ring because he put thought into finding something that was personal to her.

  • [-]
  • bagofmarbles
  • 12 Points
  • 02:32:59, 18 December

This is how I proposed to my fiancee. We were sitting on her bed being cute and I tied a piece of leather string around her finger. The string didn't last so we kept having to replace it until I bought us a couple of nice but not expensive (like 100 for both) rings.

  • [-]
  • WordsVerbatim
  • 22 Points
  • 02:19:13, 18 December

I would be all over that shit right there. It's the thought that counts, and her boyfriend obviously didn't even put any thought into it. At all.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 24 Points
  • 23:50:41, 17 December

That is cute.

I heard of a friend of a friend planning to propose with a TARDIS ring recently, and I thought that was very cute (assuming the GF liked Dr. Who too).

  • [-]
  • chotheamazing
  • 38 Points
  • 23:53:36, 17 December

I've actually seen the TARDIS boxes with the rings.. and that's like another great example. A nice, low-cost ring, with just a bit of creativity from a $3 box and some paint at Michaels.

OP - Give yourself a day or two to think this over. But don't overthink it. I think you already know the answer to what you should do, you just need to hear it from a bunch of weirdos on the internet to be reassured it's the right step.

  • [-]
  • somecrazybroad
  • 68 Points
  • 00:26:44, 18 December

This is the thing. I am 29 and have been in a relationship for 12 years. Have received rings (not engagement) and jewelry that are not out of this world expensive. I even have slightly negative feelings toward marriage and don't know if I ever want to do it. I think most proposals are ridiculous (one knee/romantic setting/asking her parents). The reason I am saying all this is that ordinarily I'd say women who don't like the way a proposal is done are selfish. However, the way this proposal was done was almost deliberately offensive so you leave him or something. I mean, what the hell.

  • [-]
  • JustWordsInYourHead
  • 303 Points
  • 22:52:17, 17 December

So this guy had a general idea that you were a romantic woman and he went out of his way to propose in the lease romantic way possible? Even the joke proposal Homer did with an onion ring was more romantic than this.

Yes, I would really question a relationship with a person who went out of his way to ruin a fantasy of mine just to "make a point" about materialism.

I hope you show him this thread so he can realise what a mess he's made.

  • [-]
  • digitalchicken
  • 81 Points
  • 01:00:05, 18 December

Exactly. At least Homer put the damn onion ring on Marge's finger, and had the audacity to feel guilty.

  • [-]
  • CallMeMoo
  • 29 Points
  • 05:56:47, 18 December

Because Homer is a good guy.

This guy isn't. If you go out of your fucking way (he had to go to Walmart and pick up the ring - minimal effort, but effort nonetheless) to ruin her dreams, that is fucked.

  • [-]
  • krustallos
  • 203 Points
  • 00:03:46, 18 December

It wasn't a complete lack of effort: it was as if he was trying to make a very sharp point. His point is, 'the tradition is stupid, and I don't care about it. And I don't care if you care about it, either. What is most important is how I feel about it. And I won't be manipulated into thinking otherwise.' That was worse than just going through the motions, with little to no effort. So what happens when you raise kids - does one of you think they should grow up w a family tradition? A faith? Seeing family, yours or his, at every x time of year or # of times each year? What if he decides nope sorry it's stupid? Do you go alone w kids? Do you even have kids? What if he thinks it's stupid? These are all examples. Insert whatever the particular is, he has done worse than nothing: he has thrown spite in your face and served it up on a dish of ice cold. seriously question your relationship w him, because he has displayed he has serious doubts and reservations about marriage w you. He sounds like a snarky bastard, and like you two don't have very good communication. This must be resolved if it is to work in the long run, but I honestly think it's best for you to plan your exit strategy. Get therapy so you don't end up in a relationship like this again. Move on.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 52 Points
  • 00:13:39, 18 December

> he has thrown spite in your face and served it up on a dish of ice cold.

Well worded.

  • [-]
  • nikicee
  • 9 Points
  • 04:22:42, 18 December

You make some REALLY good points!

  • [-]
  • paroxyst
  • 272 Points
  • 23:36:22, 17 December

What I'm getting from this is "I absolutely don't give a shit about your feelings, so I'm going to half ass this as much as possible because I think it's stupid."

I would think long and hard about whether you want to marry someone who is going to be this indifferent to the things that are important to you.

  • [-]
  • bratchny
  • 59 Points
  • 02:32:58, 18 December

Ya, I really feel like he wanted it to be ESPECIALLY shitty, like to make a point?

  • [-]
  • paroxyst
  • 32 Points
  • 03:02:21, 18 December

Yeah, it really wouldn't surprise me. Just to show her exactly how stupid he thinks the whole thing is.

  • [-]
  • tangledwhiskers
  • 14 Points
  • 03:44:40, 18 December

and bingo was his name'o!

  • [-]
  • yuudachi
  • 89 Points
  • 00:49:08, 18 December

>"I absolutely don't give a shit about your feelings, so I'm going to half ass this as much as possible because I think it's stupid."

This is really the long and short of it. The problem is that he half-assed something you valued because he thought such a tradition was stupid. He chose his convenience over OP's values.

This sort of lack of consideration, stubbornness and clash in values happens and can be forgivable, but to royally fuck up on something of this magnitude is understandably a deal breaker.

  • [-]
  • th4tgurl
  • 17 Points
  • 03:28:01, 18 December

Seems more like a red flag. I mean if he was like this with the proposal, imagine with (and after) the wedding...

  • [-]
  • _red_22
  • 18 Points
  • 04:03:29, 18 December

You know, there are plenty of ways to "half ass" a proposal. I agree with the opinion that this was deliberately insulting and frankly demeaning! He couldn't have tried harder to make you feel like shit and that deserves a door slammed right in his face!!

  • [-]
  • Chelonia_mydas
  • 15 Points
  • 02:20:16, 18 December

AGREED! Fuckin' ruuude

  • [-]
  • Ninjacherry
  • 14 Points
  • 01:15:23, 18 December

I'm getting the same impression. I'd be paying attention if this behaviour is reflected in other areas of their relationship, because if this isn't an isolated incident then it is a sign of trouble.

  • [-]
  • Plackard
  • 101 Points
  • 23:45:19, 17 December

Married man here. He's a selfish jack off. It's going to take monumental acts of love and devotion to keep you both happily married five, ten years from now. He can't even cover this with any 'give-a-shit'? then your marriage is going to be a desperate one.

  • [-]
  • jointpains
  • 62 Points
  • 00:14:35, 18 December

to add to this - he's also 31, so the whole immature/dense factor won't even come into play - if by this time people haven't changed then they probably won't change...

  • [-]
  • armchair_anger
  • 142 Points
  • 23:46:02, 17 December

As someone who's pretty strongly against the traditional diamond ring (I believe the diamond industry is borderline criminal at best, but that's a completely separate conversation), I think that his version of a proposal is hideously disrespectful.

Even if it was the ring of your dreams, just gesturing at the bag on the table is an incredibly callous way to present it to you. Even if he thinks rings as an idea are stupid, this is a pretty small issue for him to bend on: a decent-but-not-extravagant ring is well within the budget of a guy who makes six figures, and he could have compensated for a less expensive ring by making a bigger deal out of the proposal itself.

Instead, he treated your future together like he was ordering some cheap pizza.

It honestly sounds like he proposed because he felt obligated to, more than that he actually wanted to, or even that he wanted to make you feel happy.

I've seen more romantic displays at an overnight blockbuster return slot.

  • [-]
  • dewprisms
  • 39 Points
  • 00:52:17, 18 December

That's really what I don't get about this. Like, you can find really pretty rings of good quality for a couple hundred bucks. You can find rings that don't have diamonds. It's really not that difficult. Your engagement ring is supposed to be able to stand the wear of every day for a lifetime. The OP doesn't even indicate that she wants a really expensive ring. And like you said, it's like he was pointing at the takeout menu on the counter and going "hey, you want some?" Wtf!

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 16 Points
  • 03:16:28, 18 December

Yeah, this is not how people who are excited to get married behave.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 390 Points
  • 22:30:33, 17 December

> He explained that rings are stupid and he refuses to pay more than a few dollars for one.

> I asked him why he would even get a ring at all if he feels this way; he said because he knew I wanted a nice engagement ring.

> It felt like a slap in the face.

I think that this tells you what you need to know. It isn't about the dollar amount so much as the fact that he knew you wanted something nice, and because he thinks rings are stupid he decided to give you something that you wouldn't like. It was a slap in the face.

It doesn't sound like you are materialistic. There was indeed something mean spirited in this gift, and unless you are presenting the facts in a skewed way, he knew it when he gave you that ring.

  • [-]
  • FadedMaster
  • 21 Points
  • 02:57:09, 18 December

Yeah, I'm not a traditional person myself (heck I view the act of commitment itself as enough and don't feel that a ring, signing legal documents, swearing loyalty before a judge/God/whatever/whoever, etc. is necessary).

That said, if OP's boyfriend felt like I do, why the heck even bother with the $10 ring? Like you said, it definitely was a slap in the face.

  • [-]
  • istara
  • 88 Points
  • 02:23:25, 18 December

I agree. I started off by thinking this was leading to a rapacious mercenary Bridezilla rant, but not at all.

This is a nice, reasonable young woman apparently dating a mean, weird jerk.

  • [-]
  • 541236987
  • 24 Points
  • 00:02:29, 18 December

When I was married, I wore a cheap (like ~$75, but sentimental as it was specially made) ring for about the last 1.5 years of it, but for the 3 years before, I didn't wear a ring. We just never bothered, and I don't remember that ever bothering me.

That being said, I think I would have been offended by that move. I mean, if you're not going to bother, then why would you... bother to do that?

  • [-]
  • SlimShanny
  • 165 Points
  • 22:48:09, 17 December

It bothers me that he has the means to give you what you want, but he is clearly refusing to do so. I kind of see this as rather symbolic in both of your minds. He's letting you know, if you want him it's going to be his way or the highway. It is a slap in the face. Then when you discuss it with him, he's doubling down.

My husband never proposed to me. We just decided we wanted to get married and started looking for apartments since we'd need somewhere to live. I never dreamed about a proposal.

His family gave us our wedding rings. His family doesn't like me and I felt uncomfortable wearing something that symbolized our relationship from people who hate me. When we had our 1st child and we actually had money he took me to pick out a ring. So not even being sentimental, looking at that reminder on your finger can have a big impact.

If he can't find it within him to try to make you happy when it is within his means to do so, what's his problem? Sounds like a shitty partner. If you left over this I would see why.

  • [-]
  • happyplains
  • 21 Points
  • 00:37:41, 18 December

You've known the guy for 3 years. What's his side? What's going through his head? If he read your post, how would he respond?

  • [-]
  • heyrey
  • 167 Points
  • 23:40:21, 17 December

So your bf chose to play head games instead of proposing in a thoughtful way? Douchebag move.

The Walmart ring with receipt is tacky as hell. Who gifts something with a receipt?

The proposal was also COMPLETELY thoughtless. If he is anti-materialism, what about drive to a pretty spot that you both like, and a picnic that he made himself and maybe a bottle of your favorite wine or champagne?

This seems like a pretty clear warning sign of further heartaches down the road after you are married. I would never marry someone who did this. I sincerely hope that you did not say yes to his insult.

In fact, I think you should show him this post so he gains further insights into how deeply of a douchebag move this was.

  • [-]
  • ContentWithOurDecay
  • 27 Points
  • 04:23:33, 18 December

> The Walmart ring with receipt is tacky as hell. Who gifts something with a receipt?

Honestly, after reading that I was thinking this was his way of trying to end the relationship.

  • [-]
  • puppy_time
  • 14 Points
  • 03:59:46, 18 December

Exactly, he could've at least taken her to a beautiful location. Maybe told a little story about how much she means to him--that costs NOTHING. It makes me think that if they ever had kids he wouldn't even bother to be in the delivery room, and not care during birthdays, graduations and other big life events.

  • [-]
  • IslaGirl
  • 9 Points
  • 03:20:04, 18 December

Future heartaches for sure. I agree, not necessarily because I wouldn't marry someone because of one thing they did, but because of what that one act says about who he is. There are plenty of thoughtless people out there, and others who are well-suited to them because they don't mind the thoughtlessness. She clearly minds, but he isn't willing to make the effort to find a way to make her happy. Even if it's a test, it foretells quite a bit about what will come if they marry.

  • [-]
  • conceptionary
  • 20 Points
  • 03:11:44, 18 December

Um that looks like a ring I would buy for my 10 year old niece. He did this to spite you, has he acted this way in any other part of your relationship?

  • [-]
  • VividLotus
  • 22 Points
  • 04:12:46, 18 December

Let me just say that this is the first time I've ever read a "my boyfriend proposed with a cheap ring in an un-romantic way and I'm upset" post and sided with the woman. Usually I end up thinking "man, it's shallow that she didn't like the ring because it was $1,000 instead of $10,000" or "if you really want to marry someone, shouldn't you be happy to say 'yes' on a walk in the park even if you really wanted a trip to Paris?" But in this case you really do have a legitimate complaint.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid wasting a fuckton of money on a giant diamond, or with proposing in a modest way. But there's a difference between (for example) buying a simple gold ring with her birthstone on it instead of a diamond and then proposing in a pretty natural setting, and what your boyfriend did. It's the thought that counts, and he didn't display any.

I'd tell him point blank that you were hurt by the thoughtless way he proposed. I'd try to give concrete example of what would make you happy on this front. For example, in my case I would have loved any ring that was made of a hard enough metal to withstand daily use, and that's all I cared about.

Also, though, I would have a serious conversation about long-term financial values. Even if you don't combine your finances when you get married, it's crucial for people in a lifelong relationship to share certain goals and values when it comes to money. Are there some bigger problems here, that are currently manifesting in a crappy $9 ring but in the future could involve insisting you live in a shitty apartment or drive an unreliable car?

  • [-]
  • dinosaur_train
  • 21 Points
  • 01:13:34, 18 December

Ok. Lets park the ring issue for a moment. Really take a step back from emotions and reexamine if you two will be financially compatible for the rest of your lives. Is this a man who is going to feel like you are using him, god forbid you want to take a year off if you have a baby? Once your finances are blended, and they will be to a degree even if you want them separate, how will life be? You going to be allowed to buy the car and house you want? You going to have to fight over a faucet fixture because it's "pointless?" Is this man going to understand your kids when you have them?

Just, from an honest, intellectual standpoint, removed from emotions, reevaluate this relationship. He's trying to take this to the next level, but analytically is that the right move? Often before a big decision people are handed a red flag. I'm not saying break up because of that red flag but I am saying you better damn examine it because nothing good happens from ignoring these kind of events.

tl;dr step back and look at the big picture.. and update us.

  • [-]
  • Chelonia_mydas
  • 19 Points
  • 02:26:30, 18 December

Give us an update, OP when you have it!

  • [-]
  • Jay_Sharp
  • 36 Points
  • 22:47:09, 17 December

You need to talk with him. Explain that its not the money that bothers you, but the complete lack of effort. I mean, is this the amount of effort he's planning on putting into a marriage with you? If so, its best to know right now.

  • [-]
  • ZOIVII3IE
  • 18 Points
  • 02:42:43, 18 December

Also the fact that the ring will fall apart in a few years and she won't be able to wear it every day since it will turn her finger green/black.

  • [-]
  • IncognitoModeGo
  • 17 Points
  • 03:32:17, 18 December

I just looked up that ring. There's nothing I can say about this that other people haven't covered more poignantly in the comments. But I can say if he wanted to be frugal, he could have been frugal and still shown you how much you meant to him. I spent a year working in a jewelry store. Once a guy spent something like $115 on a sterling silver ring that really was cute and lovely. He spent a couple of weeks picking it out. His fiance came in a month later to get it sized and she was over the moon, talking about how he proposed and all that. She knew it was silver and didn't care. He didn't have a lot of money at the time but he knew it was important to her and he put forth an effort into picking out something he thought she'd think was pretty and presenting it to her in a heartfelt way, like he knew she wanted. Your boyfriend could have done this, and knew it was important to you to do something like this, but after three years he doesn't appear to feel that you are worth that kind of effort. I don't consider myself romantic at all either, and frankly after working in a jewelry store for a year I like jewelry less than ever thanks to some entitled, spoiled people I came across. If things went down the way you presented them, I don't think you are one of those people. And if I were in your place, I would not marry that person.

Ultimately you know him like we don't know him, and maybe you will decide he's worth staying with, but if you're looking to be reassured that you aren't rotten for having doubts because of this, then be reassured. The mass consensus appears to agree that this was a scummy thing for your boyfriend to do, and all I can say is if it were me, I would definitely be reconsidering my future with him. I just can't see why he would have thought this was okay. This is only one story of how you and he interact, but all I get from it is that the things that are important to you are not important to him, and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it even when in the big scheme of things it wouldn't cost him much to. It's not that he didn't want to give you his money, he didn't even want to give you his time or consideration.

Edited because I forgot that paragraphs are a thing.

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 33 Points
  • 22:17:33, 17 December

Is he sentimental about other things or is this his general attitude? This does seem a bit shitty but if he's like this with everything it shouldn't come as a surprise.

  • [-]
  • SlimShanny
  • 49 Points
  • 23:01:38, 17 December

I have a feeling he's probably been like this always, but she's overlooked it, thinking he'd change when marriage rolled around. I'm guessing this is something completely within his character and she just never put two and two together.

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 33 Points
  • 23:15:37, 17 December

That's the feeling I get too. You can't turn a porcupine into a fluffy bunny.

  • [-]
  • Incomprehensibilitea
  • 34 Points
  • 23:28:08, 17 December

I think she was hoping that he would at least pretend to be a hedgehog for something as important as his proposal.

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 11 Points
  • 00:37:17, 18 December

Ha! Can't even get a damned hedgehog!

  • [-]
  • semimedium
  • 35 Points
  • 01:12:30, 18 December

He's totally trying to get you to break up with him.

  • [-]
  • shibalover19
  • 31 Points
  • 00:31:08, 18 December

I hope you said no.

  • [-]
  • OoLaLana
  • 13 Points
  • 02:28:13, 18 December

I see this as a subtle power and control issue… and if you allow it to be, it sets the tone and lowers the bar for the future.

Problem relationships have two people in them… and even if HE is the one pulling the douche bag moves, your acceptance of that behaviour confirms to him how little you think of yourself and what he can get away with.

Be prepared to walk away. This might not be the best person for you. You should be treated with love and respect. Demand and expect no less. You are worth it.

  • [-]
  • dogandcatinlove
  • 27 Points
  • 23:38:16, 17 December

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Reading this made my stomach turn because my fiance also just proposed to me, and if it had gone down like that...I can't even imagine. Knowing you for three years, having discussed your desires, and still making the conscious decision to make a shitty statement with this ring is really despicable.

I don't think you are being materialistic. To me, a ring is a tangible symbol that I am in a partnership with someone I love. While I don't believe the monetary value of the ring could ever represent the value of my relationship, there is true meaning in picking a ring together and receiving it as a gift with the mutual knowledge that you really adore the ring. You have to wear it every day! It's not about the monetary value. It's about the gesture. My fiance and I don't make much money, so we discussed a budget and went out to an antique shop because that's the type of ring I wanted. He was never into marriage and he might think rings are silly, but he also values me and my ideas so he did something that would make me happy (and in turn makes him happy).

It sounds like your SO wanted to make a point and you are right that it was a slap in the face. It is also a test; he wants to see what he can get away with. Regardless of your differing opinions, he should not try to bully you into acceptance. This should have been discussed and decided upon in advance.

I am so so so sorry. :(

  • [-]
  • sugarhoneybadger
  • 13 Points
  • 00:23:42, 18 December

Right on. The materialism thing is just an excuse, not the real reason for his behavior. My fiancé and I don't have much right now, but when we got engaged, he used his birthday money from his grandparents to get the nicest bands he could find. Neither of us are actually into fancy things, but he found something solid, simple, beautiful, and tasteful for me which I felt said a lot about how he sees me and our relationship. I think I like the thought process behind the ring better than the physical object itself! It was just a really good reflection of how well we knew each other and how we're in agreement about values. OP's proposal doesn't reflect anything good about values. If the guy were anti-materialist it would make more sense for him to talk about it with her and come up with some kind of alternative symbol that would at least mean something

  • [-]
  • dogandcatinlove
  • 17 Points
  • 00:42:44, 18 December

>I like the thought process behind the ring better than the physical object itself!

Exactly! My fiance said he was happy that I got to pick the ring out because it's what I wanted so he knows I'll like it. The whole trip was fun--we went to antique shops and looked at all sorts of stuff along with the jewelry. Then we took pictures of it and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over it. It was a really special experience we shared. Great point about the values, too. We are both on the same page about how to live life in general, and when we do disagree, we work toward acceptance and a common ground. IMO this is a sign that OP's SO will be a bully about other things, or at the very least will be super passive-aggressive.

  • [-]
  • Ahlervsqueezies
  • 6 Points
  • 02:38:01, 18 December

Picking out the ring together at an antique shop...that sounds so fun. Sigh.

  • [-]
  • dogandcatinlove
  • 5 Points
  • 03:21:39, 18 December

It was :D We actually found the ring within about 2 minutes at the first shop, but I wanted to make a day of it so we went out and had fun. The lady asked, 'Aww, is this a Christmas present?' and we just chuckled and said it was for a lot of things. :)

  • [-]
  • nikefudge23
  • 29 Points
  • 00:26:49, 18 December

Putting the ring situation aside for a moment, I think the proposal itself was a slap in the face. I can understand people not liking the idea of buying expensive rings but I cannot understand someone asking you to spend the rest of your life with them as if they were asking if you took the trash out.

  • [-]
  • Keenanm
  • 27 Points
  • 00:13:17, 18 December

In my opinion, the ring and the proposal are separate issues. There are probably valid reasons why some couples may wish to avoid jewelry and the formal traditions of engagement, but these things should be discussed and agreed upon mutually. If he was opposed to rings he should've talked to you and you could've reached some sort of compromise that left you both feeling satisfied. The big issue is the proposal. I can't fathom how anyone could legitimately think that pointing to a Wal-Mart bag somehow conveys a message of eternal love. How he proposed makes it seem like either a.) marriage is not a priority to him or b.) he devotes minimal effort into his priorities. Neither of those things sounds ideal given how you have spoken about your views on marriage and engagement.

I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. My advice would be to try and communicate with your boyfriend once more about how and why he chose to propose the way he did. Let him know that certain aspects of marriage traditions (i.e. the engagement) are important to you, and his inability to understand the importance of the occasion bothers you. One line of questioning you might employ is asking him what his expectations are/were. Did he genuinely think that you would react favorably to that proposal? Does he consider that a romantic proposal? If not, why didn't he put any effort into making it romantic? If so, does he consider every shopping trip to Walmart the pinnacle of romance?

Best of luck.

  • [-]
  • meowlaxy
  • 14 Points
  • 00:57:45, 18 December

Absolutely, the problem here is not the shitty ring. Getting a shitty ring can be kind of funny/cute in some ways if it's done adorably (and if it's going to be replaced because OP is right, that's something that's expected to last years and years and years) but what he did was not a proposal. It wasn't even the kind of situation where they mutually decide to become engaged, it was just the world's worst question.

  • [-]
  • britta__perry
  • 13 Points
  • 00:19:42, 18 December

He doesn't need to give you a nice ring, or a nice proposal... sure. But this is almost like he was trying to make it as unromantic as possible. I feel it's insulting to you, OP. You should talk to him and make it clear you aren't saying you want more money, nut instead more thought.

  • [-]
  • foshrox
  • 11 Points
  • 00:21:15, 18 December

And I thought it was bad when a guy I know gave his fiance a shed instead of a ring... at least it was a really nice shed...

  • [-]
  • taebobear
  • 11 Points
  • 02:26:57, 18 December

Nice, maybe he'll even give you a high five on your anniversary. I'm sorry that happened. Extremely thoughtless and inconsiderate.

  • [-]
  • changeyou
  • 23 Points
  • 03:28:28, 18 December

I don't understand why he proposed at all.

This whole thing seems like an unnecessary insult to you.

I never even imagined getting engaged or married or the ring, my husband basically had to convince me to want to get married instead of just dating forever. Then I realized I was being an ass and turned the tables practically begging him to marry me. Then I told him he didn't even have to get me a ring but he REALLY WANTED TO so we went and looked at rings together. He got me an engagement ring but the center stone is a topaz, I picked it out.

He gave it to me wrapped up in saran wrap at the bottom of a bag of fries from Five Guys because I flipping love their food. He proposed at home. We didn't go anywhere. He said "I thought you were eating the fries so fast because you knew it was in there." I said, "No, I just love their fries..."

This is not most people's idea of romance. It was perfect for me. My idea of romance is him like, surprising me by showing up at work after he's been gone for a few weeks or something. (He leaves on deployments) I'm pretty low maintenance.

I got married in a $30 dress and $2 shoes from the thrift store. Seriously. I am not a materialistic person. We got married at the courthouse with nobody else there. My favorite "wedding" picture from our wedding day was one our friends took of us after we went to the DMV to change my name and then went by their house, my husband is wearing a sweater and jeans and I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans. We are not fancy people.

But what you described would be offensive and horrible and I'd leave him. Your boyfriend sounds horrible. I know this is just one example of his behavior but this is such. a. huge. example.

He couldn't even take it out of the bag or get rid of the receipt? Seriously? My husband and I joked around about getting engaged with a ring pop. That sounds more romantic to me than your actual proposal. I am sad for you. I don't get sad for strangers on the internet, ever. But I'm sad for you. :(

  • [-]
  • AquaticForm
  • 30 Points
  • 00:47:51, 18 December

if he half-assed his proposal, he will half-ass your marriage.

  • [-]
  • kristinemcgregor
  • 4 Points
  • 07:06:40, 18 December

I was in her shoes once, your statement summed up my marriage. I divorced him 4 years ago.

  • [-]
  • panic_bread
  • 8 Points
  • 23:14:46, 17 December

I'm not one for traditional and romance much at all and I think what your boyfriend did was ridiculous. This is no way to start a lifetime together.

  • [-]
  • Your_Maroon_Hat
  • 9 Points
  • 23:24:03, 17 December

A little weird, I think.

A part of good relationships is that each person has to understand the needs of their partner and choose to occasionally suppress their own beliefs. A two way street and all that.

Are you getting ready to marry a man who is willing to give you what you want and need only so long as he agrees that those things are important?

  • [-]
  • SMariefromtheD
  • 8 Points
  • 23:50:26, 17 December

That is really messed up. Is this atypical behavior for him? Either way, it sounds like it's time for you to reevaluate your relationship.

  • [-]
  • autumnx
  • 7 Points
  • 00:40:53, 18 December

Oh God. So what if he thinks rings are stupid. Its your ring. He did that very inconsiderately. If my SO was against rings, he wouldnt buy me one. He wouldnt get me a piece of junk ring. Maybe even suggest tattooed rings.

  • [-]
  • kris10amanda
  • 7 Points
  • 00:42:30, 18 December

You have every right to be pissed. What he did was a mean spirited act that completely undermined your feelings. Don't feel bad for being upset and don't let him make you feel bad for being hurt by his insensitive gesture. What he did was a duck move and I think any woman would be hurt by it, I know I would. I dont need something extravagant but a proposal is suppose to be an expression and decoration of love. Not a half hearted, mindless, and meaningless gesture.

  • [-]
  • bustin_chopss
  • 9 Points
  • 01:03:39, 18 December

You should show him this thread...

  • [-]
  • snsv
  • 8 Points
  • 02:47:12, 18 December

Wow (As a dude I've never even fathomed a question like this..), I don't have much to say besides maybe he was trying to test your resolve. It had to have been a joke.

Even if it's cheap you don't show that it's from Wal-mart or leave the price tag on it?? The fact that he left that in there was a sort of passive aggressive dig at your request.. effed up

  • [-]
  • brand0n
  • 7 Points
  • 03:36:28, 18 December

I don't know you well enough to label you as a gold digger..but I'm guessing you are likely not.

The biggest concern I have is that he didn't put any effort into this. The price of the ring isn't nearly as important as the effort and thought.

If this isn't a joke then this dude doesn't value you the way he should before proposing.

  • [-]
  • MissPoopsHerPants
  • 37 Points
  • 02:29:08, 18 December

Accept his proposal. Then walk down the aisle with a shaved head, no makeup, and stained sweatpants on your wedding day.

  • [-]
  • empirialest
  • 6 Points
  • 07:04:38, 18 December

And make sure you're way too drunk. Violently vomit on him when you reach the altar.

  • [-]
  • chitown_biryani
  • 8 Points
  • 01:02:52, 18 December

Nothing good can come out of this marriage OP, I'm sorry but its true. If he thinks he knows you well enough to marry you, he should have anticipated the reaction he would get for such a proposal. He is either the biggest bonehead in the world or being spiteful towards you for some reason. Either way, he doesn't seem to be marriage material in your situation.

  • [-]
  • spankybottom
  • 8 Points
  • 01:28:10, 18 December

Oh dear. What a mess.

I get that rings may be materialistic. But they should be symbolic. I'm reminded that Mercedes and Edmund used a piece of string as an engagement ring in The Count of Monte Cristo. So what if the actual thing used as a ring was worthless, the commitment it symbolised is worth everything.

I didn't even have a ring when I proposed to my wife. I was dirt poor, but I was still able to afford a picnic and I was able to tell her how much she meant to me and how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Not only does the proposal feel worthless, I can't help but wonder how he feels about marriage itself?

  • [-]
  • annabanana398
  • 7 Points
  • 02:59:49, 18 December

If he isn't willing to listen and try to understand your opinion on this, I doubt he will on other important issues. He took something that was important to you, and purposefully did a shitty job to prove some weird, unimportant point. And when you were disapppointed (which he would have seen coming if he has half a brain) he got mad at you. This sounds borderline abusive. Either that or he is a complete moron.

I can't see myself staying in a relationship after something like this.

  • [-]
  • mystimel
  • 7 Points
  • 03:03:11, 18 December

Even my boyfriend is shocked about this one...

I'd say retract your answer if you answered him yes. Tell him you understand his position and that he wants to be frugal, but the lack of sentiment in the proposal and the cheapness of the ring that is supposed to last forever is a dealbreaker.

If he wants a yes, ask him to compromise by saying, no stones, or cheaper stones than diamonds is fine, but you'd like him to propose in a better setting and with a ring made of a metal that will last (gold or platinum) A ring without a diamond shouldn't cost more than 1k, which should be very affordable considering his salary. These expenses are why his frugality is good. What is he saving up for if it isn't for things like this?

  • [-]
  • a4bh3
  • 4 Points
  • 05:15:23, 18 December

I don't think his frugality is the issue. It's his lack of care and love in the proposal. Frugality is cutting back on the stuff you don't need so you can enjoy the things you want. He should want to make his girlfriend feel special.

  • [-]
  • senopahx
  • 15 Points
  • 01:16:31, 18 December

Has he ever made a romantic display of affection? Has he ever demonstrated romantic creativity of any sort?

I'm honestly curious.

  • [-]
  • That_San_Diego_Girl
  • 8 Points
  • 02:51:09, 18 December

Exactly... and what has he given you for past birthdays or Christmas?

  • [-]
  • WickerBaskets
  • 27 Points
  • 03:49:23, 18 December

He actually didn't get me anything for birthdays/anniversaries for the first two years of our relationship. Last year was the first time he ever got me anything for my birthday. He got a ceiling fan because ours broke 2 months prior. I guess I shouldn't have overlooked that red flag.

I just thought he would put more effort into at engagement/marriage at least.

  • [-]
  • uidori
  • 18 Points
  • 04:24:48, 18 December

Uh...how is a ceiling fan for the house a gift for you as opposed to a home repair that needed to be made for the both of you? Does he also buy you vacuum cleaners and point out how messy the floor is so you should use your new present?

  • [-]
  • platinum_peter
  • 30 Points
  • 04:20:50, 18 December

This guy is a selfish asshole. A ceiling fan??? THAT IS NOT A GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT.You are minimizing all of these GIANT RED FLAGS BEATING YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD.

This guy is only in it for himself. Deep down he does not truly care for you or your feelings or your wants and needs.

If you decide to stay with him you will be miserable and you will look back to this Reddit post and think "Damn, those 400 people must have been on to something".

  • [-]
  • WickerBaskets
  • 17 Points
  • 04:33:35, 18 December

I was upset during that fiasco too. He made it seem like I was ungrateful for us now having a brand new ceiling fan. I feel like he was just waiting for my birthday to buy it so he can pretend like it's my gift, so he wouldn't have to buy me anything.

I would get so excited when his birthday rolled around, I would make notes when he mentioned he wanted something. Then I would surprise him with it. For anniversaries I wrote heartfelt cards and got him gifts too. I never receive anything in return. This engagement ring thing has really been like the final spear through my heart.

  • [-]
  • WaddlingRanchu
  • 21 Points
  • 05:15:02, 18 December

Oh, OP. You are clearly a thoughtful person. You need to leave him and find a man who will appreciate how thoughtful you are.

  • [-]
  • tangledwhiskers
  • 8 Points
  • 05:14:34, 18 December

I'm so sorry that you've wasted years with this man, OP. That you have continuously bought him gifts, created cards for him, and even took notes of what he wanted, while he never got you anything in return. This SHOULD be a spear in your heart; you shouldn't be trying to justify his actions. I only hope that you have the strength to leave him, before he wastes more of your time, money, energy, and love.

  • [-]
  • capsulet
  • 4 Points
  • 06:45:37, 18 December

And this man makes six figures? You should have left him after the first occasion. Dump him, and update us, please!

  • [-]
  • Mindelan
  • 4 Points
  • 12:09:25, 18 December

That sounds horrible. Do not marry this man.

What did he do when it was his birthday and you gave him gifts? What did he say when people/friends/family asked him what he got you for your birthday?

My boyfriend (of ten years now) and I don't exchange anniversary presents and are rather odd about birthdays, but your entire situation sounds unbearably shitty to me. You deserve way better.

  • [-]
  • ContentWithOurDecay
  • 14 Points
  • 04:28:11, 18 December

Wow. Please tell me you aren't going to stay with him.

  • [-]
  • macimom
  • 11 Points
  • 04:31:13, 18 December

wow. just wow. I think its time you buy yourself a present-a new pair of walking shoes.

sorry-but he is never going to lift a finger to show you you are special

  • [-]
  • tangledwhiskers
  • 4 Points
  • 05:08:47, 18 December

lol he bought you a "gift" that he benefits from equally and that he most likely would have bought eventually anyway

  • [-]
  • FoolTarot
  • 11 Points
  • 03:03:24, 18 December

I read /r/relationships because I'm a single male who likes examples of what not to do when I'm not single.

Your boyfriend did me a huge favor, but obviously didn't do you any. You should just tell him point-blank that you refuse any marriage proposal of his until he does it right. Make him go find God for a while, consult his bro think-tank if he has one, and he'll do it right.

  • [-]
  • txroller
  • 6 Points
  • 00:08:08, 18 December

he sounds like a winner (sarcasm, sorry). I think you should expect for anything that he deems irrelevant to be a low priority and for him to be a tightwad/cheapskate :/

  • [-]
  • tk338
  • 6 Points
  • 00:43:06, 18 December

Sit down have a think, you say you basically know you're going to get married, look at why that is, can he make you happy for the rest of the foreseeable future. Would you regret marrying him?

Once you've decided where you are with it all, sit him down and let him know. Even if you decide you're happy and that is the man you want to spend the rest of your days with, you need to tell him that even just the act of the proposal was upsetting - not just the ring!

Its understandable not everyone can provide or would want to provide a big show, or something, but hes just asked you to marry him! He could be a bit more sensitive about it.

My fear here is you sound too comfortable with it all (and I may well be wrong). You're cruising along in life, the fiance has a nice salary, you both have jobs and you're at the point in life most people are getting married or are already.

I'm young, younger than you, and so I imagine have less life experience, but personally I could never settle for just comfortable. If you really love him and not just an idea of him, and he loves you back then there has to be some sort of middle ground here, with an apology of course.

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • skylark13
  • 6 Points
  • 01:24:38, 18 December

I get that he probably thinks over-the-top engagements are cheesy and pointless, as well as an expensive engagement ring. But to make the proposal so completely about his wants and wishes would seem to me very selfish. He didn't take into account your feelings at all, and made zero effort other than driving to Walmart and paying $10. Personally, my ring cost $25 on clearance but it's beautiful and full-price is probably over $100. You can find pretty rings for really cheap, he didn't even pick a nice cheap ring. I feel like the quality of the ring though wouldn't have mattered as much if he had proposed to you in some kind of romantic way that made the ring, while cheap, have a lot of sentimental value. You could've worn it on occasion or just kept it as something meaningful to you, and gotten a beautiful wedding band to wear everyday. The lack of complete effort would have definitely upset me too.

  • [-]
  • Awkwardaardvarks
  • 6 Points
  • 03:12:48, 18 December

I feel as though he should have at least taken the receipt out of the bag... or at least given you the ring not pointing towards the bag. That was very rude. I think you two should have a heart to heart to see if you guys really want to make this work in the long run. If he really wants to make it work he would apologize for this and try to make it up to you. But if not then there is no reason to hang around. Best wishes, I hope things work out for the best.

  • [-]
  • eatyourchildren
  • 6 Points
  • 06:26:32, 18 December

Time to NOPE the fuck outta there

(I'm a guy, if that helps)

  • [-]
  • Pookie_Princess
  • 32 Points
  • 22:34:34, 17 December

The same sort of situation happened with one of my old roommates. Her boyfriend proposed, and he gave her a very modest ring (it cost less than $100).

I was the only one she told about the engagement, and keep in mind I wasn't even close with her. We weren't friends who hung out all the time, she and I were strictly just roommates who shared a living space. She confided in me and vented that she couldn't bring herself to tell anyone in her life (family or friends) about the engagement because she was so embarrassed about the ring. Like you, it took away the spark and fun of actually being engaged. She wasn't even excited, she was more depressed than anything. It definitely made her question a lot of things about him and the relationship, and what their future would look like with his frugal and stubborn ways. It took a toll on their relationship for sure. From that point on, they were constantly fighting and arguing (about the ring and other things) in her bedroom. I felt bad that she was so ashamed of the ring that she had no one else to turn to but me (someone who wasn't a close friend by any means). Eventually I got so tired of not having any peace and quiet in the apartment due to their constant bickering. I gradually started spending the night more at my boyfriend's place, and then we decided to move in together so I had a valid excuse to move out. She asked me point blank why I was spending less time at the apartment and also if I was moving out because of her, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings in such a fragile state so I just lied and said my boyfriend and I wanted to move in together. It was part truth, but I didn't want to make her feel bad or embarrassed and make her realize a complete stranger doesn't even like being around their unstable relationship and constant drama.

Would you be willing to pay for a ring yourself? Just a simple ring for now, and maybe you two could combine finances to get a real engagement ring later down the road. If he's so frugal with an engagement ring, have you thought about what he will get for wedding bands on the wedding day? Will he even want a big wedding, or want to elope to save money? It sounds frustrating that he's being so stubborn and not making an effort to understand your perspective on things. If you two stay together, I strongly recommend premarital counseling so you guys can get on the same page about how to communicate and resolve issues. If he continues to be this stubborn and unwilling to waver, then I hope this isn't a preview of what your marriage will be like in the future.

I understand why you're upset, and rightfully so. It's not even about the ring. It sounds like he just didn't put much effort or emotion into any of it. It sounds like he just winged it or something. If my fiancé nonchalantly proposed, didn't get on his knees, or pointed to a bag and couldn't even get the ring out himself, I would think it's a joke too. He couldn't even present the ring to you! He just lazily pointed to the bag for you to open? This is absurd. Is he even excited about any of this? Giving you the receipt seems so tacky and rude as well.

EDIT - I posted a reply/update about my old roommate, but it's not showing up in this thread. Anyone know why it's not visible? I've posted it below since my original reply is not showing up.

She kept her engagement secret for a few months, including from her parents and best friends. She went out of her way to not wear the ring when her friends were around, but she always wore it at home when my boyfriend, her boyfriend, and myself were the only ones present. (These are things she told me before I moved out, not things I speculated about.)

Two commenters here called or inferred that my old roommate is materialistic (their posts have since been deleted), but it wasn't about her needing an extravagant diamond ring. One time when she cried and vented to me, she said that there are promise rings out there that are more durable than her cheap ring and also other rings out there that won't rust. For him to spend so little on her made her wonder if/why she meant so little to him.

After I moved out, we haven't really kept in touch. The boyfriend I ended up moving in with actually proposed to me like a year later. I've wanted to reach out and see how she's doing, but I would feel guilty talking about my engagement and showing her my ring. My ring is really extravagant and people always comment on it when I go out to even run errands. It costs more than people's SUV cars or (double or even triple in some cases) house down payments. The thing is, she would know it's a big fucking deal because she knows my partner and how extremely frugal he is. He only pays for necessities (i.e. food, gas, bills, etc.), only buys extras for special occasions or other people but never on himself (like birthdays or holidays), likes bargain hunting and doesn't like buying full retail price, etc. My partner is known by everyone to be extremely frugal in his everyday life, but he will spend his savings when something is really important to him. I haven't kept in touch because I think it would kill her knowing he, out of everyone, spent so much on a ring because then she would know that it's possible for frugal people to buy nice rings (or at least rings nicer than $100 that won't rust).

However, I've heard that she's been on and off with her fiancé for the past few years. I'm not sure if they're together right now or not though.

Lastly, I wanted to note that just because my old roommate's relationship went downhill quickly doesn't mean that the same thing will happen to OP. I was just sharing a similar story to give her some things to think about, and to say that I understand and sympathize for what she's going through right now.

OP - Have you told your parents, rest of the family, best friends, and coworkers about your engagement? What have been their reactions to the news, and also the ring? What has been the reaction of your fiancé's family about the news and the ring?

  • [-]
  • qsteak
  • 34 Points
  • 22:59:34, 17 December

I would like to hear more about your roommate. Did she go through with the wedding or was the ring a deal breaker?

  • [-]
  • blorgle
  • 32 Points
  • 00:58:20, 18 December

My friend's husband proposed over World of Warcraft.

She went ahead and married him, and now they have a kid together that he ignores so he can sit on his unemployed ass and play computer games.

  • [-]
  • SlimShanny
  • 15 Points
  • 23:25:17, 17 December

Yes! Please give us the official update of your roommate!

  • [-]
  • SomniaRie
  • 4 Points
  • 00:57:19, 18 December

He may not place importance on a ring or the style of proposal, but you obviously do. Surely he can see that and compromise.

  • [-]
  • scrivenerserror
  • 5 Points
  • 02:39:34, 18 December

This is and isn't about "the ring". He put no effort into making this special for you when he knew you cared about it. Even if it was a cheaper ring it wouldn't have mattered if he tried to express how he feels to you and make you feel special. This is a complete disregard of your feelings and it would make me wonder if he would treat you in a similar fashion throughout your marriage. You shouldn't have to tell someone to empathize with their spouse about something like this.

As for the actual ring, and the manner of gifting it, honestly it shows almost a complete lack of effort. Honestly I don't understand why he even exerted the effort to buy a 10 dollar Walmart ring like this. It doesn't seem like he's taking any of this seriously.

  • [-]
  • Prodigal_Daughter
  • 12 Points
  • 01:19:34, 18 December

>I spoke to a friend of mine who suggested maybe this was just a "test" to see how I react to a non-expensive ring, and that there must be a real ring hiding somewhere. I wanted to believe this,

Even if the ring was some sort of test, I don't see why that should've made your feel better. There already is a test to see if someone is compatible as a life partner... it's called "dating."

I don't know how else you could interpret the manner of his proposal and the fact that he left the cheap-ass ring in the Wal-Mart bag with the receipt as anything other than an insult. Fuck, if he splurged even an extra $7 he could've gotten you a tasteful ring that wouldn't give you a rash.

What an asshole.

  • [-]
  • jackalooz
  • 16 Points
  • 00:14:19, 18 December

Are you sure this isn't a long con? Christmas is coming up. I find it hard to believe someone would be that dense, especially someone you've been with for 3 years. He's probably trying to build up the suspense in a ridiculous way by pissing you off.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 23 Points
  • 01:05:04, 18 December

Isn't that a bad sign, though?

  • [-]
  • whenifeellikeit
  • 15 Points
  • 02:52:04, 18 December

Seriously. The scenario in which this could be some kind of a joke isn't exactly a good one. I mean, what was the point of all this? Some kind of test? Either way, it's fucking manipulative.

  • [-]
  • th4tgurl
  • 8 Points
  • 04:08:16, 18 December

I would think this was a great joke if it lasted a couple of minutes, not a couple of days (and assuming the joke ends with a really cute proposal).

  • [-]
  • LovesMath
  • 12 Points
  • 03:20:48, 18 December

I would like to look at this from a point of view which has not yet been mentioned.

I would suppose that after three years, SO would be aware of whether or not her boyfriend had Aspergers Syndrome or something of the sort. But if he does have such a condition, his behavior can be both understood and explained, though not really excused.

I myself have Aspergers, and have "suffered" from its consequences, including unbelievable social ineptness, for over 60 years. The diagnosis of Aspergers was not available in 1965, when I proposed mto my girlfriend who later became my first wife. But I knew that I was "peculiar" in many ways, and she was also well aware of it. I did not then have the hard-won experience of how to "pass" as a human being (that I now have), and often did things out of ignorance which make me cringe when I think of them now.

We both knew I was going to propose soon, and she knew that I had bought her a nice ring (no aversion on my part!). Nevertheless, my choice of when and where to actually pop the question and give her the ring might come across to many of the Redditors here as being almost as bad as what OP's boyfriend did. I proposed at the dinner table, in the course of a large family gathering (HER family), and handed her the ring across the table.

To my way of thinking, that was a beautiful gesture! Well, she didn't see it that way, and was very embarrassed in front of her family. She made me take it back and promise to do it again later in a more private and romantic place and time.

The point is, I had no intention of hurting her or embarrassing her. I loved her, and she knew it. But I was so awkward at expressing myself socially. It was a painful thing, and makes me cringe as I am writing this.

I really don't think that this is a reasonable explanation for the experience the OP has described here, but I just want to point out that there ARE other motivations, besides the malevolent ones discussed in this article, for behaviors of this kind.

Just my 2 cents.

  • [-]
  • AnneNeville
  • 9 Points
  • 04:04:07, 18 December

I'm glad that your wife understood and that you had good enough communication to negotiate a proposal that worked for both of you in the end.

  • [-]
  • Nicora243
  • 3 Points
  • 23:20:42, 17 December

This would definitely bother me if I were you. You really need to just talk to him about it. It seems pathetic that he went about it so carelessly, especially because seeing as ye are at that point in your relationship surely he would KNOW the kind of person you are and the way you like things? I would be incredibly disappointed, it seems so apathetic. He had a complete lack of consideration or thought in regards to you.

  • [-]
  • lynnangel
  • 4 Points
  • 02:57:45, 18 December

Jesus Christ this guy is a tool. He's being deliberately disrespectful because he doesn't think it's a requirement to give a shit about you or your happiness. It's not like you're asking him to get a 20k ring. The douchebag can go find someone who's okay with being treated like they're worthless.

This kind of attitude doesn't change easily and isn't compatible with a happy relationship.

Also, you sure you want to commit to someone that stupid?

  • [-]
  • WoodyHarrlesonsAgent
  • 4 Points
  • 02:58:42, 18 December

Marry him and you get a lifetime of such disappointment.

And this is probably the hardest hell ever try

  • [-]
  • bunnymeee
  • 4 Points
  • 03:49:15, 18 December

Did you say yes or no?

  • [-]
  • m-go
  • 4 Points
  • 05:36:59, 18 December

Politely decline until he can politely propose.

  • [-]
  • DucoNihilum
  • 4 Points
  • 06:21:02, 18 December

Does he have a weird sense of humor?

I can see this being a really socially awkward joke where he proposes for real on Christmas or new years. I honestly can't see someone being this dumb and unless he really doesn't care about you at all I don't think this is the real proposal.

This sounds to me like it's a poorly thought out joke that he's sticking with until he surprises you with the real ring later. There's no way someone would do it in that way. Plus he makes 6 figures and got you a 10 dollar ring still in the bag? I make 20k a year and I would at least try to spend more than that and put some effort in the proposal.

It's either a joke or a test, either way probably not the best idea on his part.

Have you discussed at all how this made you feel?

  • [-]
  • tophasaurusrex
  • 4 Points
  • 07:38:35, 18 December

I hope my 2 cents is allowed here, I am 26 years old and have been with my girlfriend for about2 years and plan on asking her to marry me in the next few months. I admit I don't really understand the whole diamond thing, it's a shiny rock. BUT i do understand what it represents and what it means to my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend with my whole heart and genuinely want to give her the most expensive beautiful ring I can, not because she has asked for it ( she has pretty much done the opposite and stated anything I give her she would love), but because I feel she is worth every bit I can give her, she doesn't need a ring to know how much I love her, but I myself knowing how much she means to me want to give her the absolute best I can even if I think it is just a shiny rock. NOW I am a college student, me and my girlfriend are BOTH in nursing programs, meaning we can work maybe 20 hrs a week and are poor as fuck. My grandma recently passed away and left me a decent chunk of money and after paying off some school bills and credit cards im left with about 3500$ and after my tax return hope to spend about 5k-$5500 on a ring. To give you a bit of insight on my financial situation, I'd be surprised if I break $15k this year. The ring isn't about being frugal, it isnt about a stupid diamond, it is entirely about loving your partner and knowing the importance of the symbolism that ring represents. The way he asked seems a bit strange too, Like he has no fear of ever losing you and that you would just assume his shitty proposal would thrill you. It shows an utter lack of respect for you and your emotions towards such a significant life step in life and that he never really considered how or what you wanted from an engagement, only his own concerns. A girl dreams of this day from a child and no girl has ever planned to be asked in such a manner. My girlfriend loves me from the bottom of her heart but I'm sure would throw that piece of coat hanger twisted into a heart he gave you at my face and walk out the door.

  • [-]
  • TheLittleFoxes
  • 4 Points
  • 14:02:07, 18 December

Rings and money aside, it costs nothing to tell someone you're crazy about them.

It costs nothing to wait until you're in a park or...anywhere, really, that is just a shade nicer than hanging around the couch.

It is free to at least throw out the plastic bag and receipt.

It is also free to join OkCupid and find someone better than this numbskull.

  • [-]
  • macimom
  • 4 Points
  • 14:13:41, 18 December

Do you usually get him something for CHristmas? Is it something he looks forward to-bc in this case I would get him something beyond practical-like some toothpaste-leave it in the bag and on Christmas day say 'hey, your presents on the kitchen counter' and keep reading your book

  • [-]
  • YellowOrbitz
  • 14 Points
  • 22:19:40, 17 December

Yeah, I could see why you would be bothered. Have you explained this is something girls dream about growing up? It's not even about the price or anything, just the fact that he didn't put effort into this and put his frugal needs over your feelings.

I know some people go really low key with engagements. It's really the ring that irks me here. I mean I know some people can't afford more expensive rings or they don't feel the need to spend so much money. But wal-mart? This is a ring that a 10 year old wears.

  • [-]
  • ShittyEverything
  • 29 Points
  • 22:28:12, 17 December

It seriously looks like something you'd get in one of those machines where you put quarters in and turn the handle and it drops a little plastic egg with a toy.

  • [-]
  • dewprisms
  • 12 Points
  • 00:57:04, 18 December

It kinda does.

  • [-]
  • Prodigal_Daughter
  • 28 Points
  • 01:51:39, 18 December

A big empty space where the heart should be...

  • [-]
  • initial-friend
  • 8 Points
  • 02:59:05, 18 December

:(

  • [-]
  • empirialest
  • 4 Points
  • 07:06:24, 18 December

I've read all these posts in this thread, and actually seeing the ring has made it even worse. :(

  • [-]
  • YellowOrbitz
  • 16 Points
  • 22:31:17, 17 December

Haha! That's what I was thinking! When I was 12 my "boyfriend" gave me a ring for valentines day and it looked exactly like this.

  • [-]
  • yyan177
  • 7 Points
  • 00:46:42, 18 December

Super adorable. Maybe OP's bf is 12 inside his mind- that would have made the situation sound much better.

  • [-]
  • formatlostmypw
  • 7 Points
  • 03:06:55, 18 December

red flag, imo

  • [-]
  • -Alexander-
  • 10 Points
  • 03:03:28, 18 December

At first it just sounded like he was very frugal and non-romantic. Then there was this part:

> I tried to understand where he was coming from and after he got over being upset at me, he explained that rings are stupid and he refuses to pay more than a few dollars for one. I tried to explain that this is something you wear for years and years, it signifies your love and commitment toward one another. He is just so thick-headed he refused to see it from any other light. I asked him why he would even get a ring at all if he feels this way; he said because he knew I wanted a nice engagement ring. If I knew he was going to get something like what he got, I wouldn't have wanted any ring at all. It felt like a slap in the face.

He's a blockhead. The problem is that, yes, he is too frugal. But the reason his frugality becomes a problem is because he will only see the world from his own perspective and nobody else's.

This starts to alert that he might be a narcissist or thinks his views are "better" or more valid than anyone else's. If he had an open mind, he could understand the views of people other than him. But he sounds closed-minded and only wants to listen to his own opinions.


Point: The 10 dollar ring isn't the reason to break up with him. The reason to break up with him is that he's closed minded and you're different than him, which doesn't work together. Further, he's inconsiderate and sounds insensitive.

Being closed and open minded is kinda like blood types. Open minded means you can adapt with just about anyone except polar opposites. But closed minded means you can only work out with someone that's almost exactly like yourself. I think that means you need to leave him and he needs to find someone that thinks exactly the way he does.

Get it over with and don't feel too bad about it. It's not anyone's fault, and most certainly isn't your's even if someone MUST to be blamed. Sounds like cut-and-dry incompatibility.

  • [-]
  • importantbits
  • 29 Points
  • 01:26:11, 18 December

He sounds like a guy who thinks he's really practical or logical -- probably works in IT or engineering.

Trouble is, if you demand a better ring, you'll be seen as materialistic and he'll probably bitch and moan and argue all the way to the checkout. If you don't demand something better, you're stuck with a consolation prize from the arcade.

Here's what I'd do: You mention that you have a decent salary. Buy your own ring. Make it fairly expensive 2-3k range, and no more. Then wear it all the time. Show it off and meet up with friends in your BF's presence.

Everyone will want to talk about how he proposed/where he got the ring.

Every time, mention how you had to buy it for yourself.

Naturally, he'll start to feel ashamed of himself. Let peer pressure do the work of showing him how wrong he is. And if he is stubborn enough not to care, well, ok, at least you have a modestly nice ring for now and you can ask for something better at a later time.

TL;DR: just read the bold.