have you ever left the "right" guy/gal for the "wrong" guy/gal? can you give the TLDR/cliffs notes/etc? (self.AskWomen)

AskWomen

408 ups - 106 downs = 302 votes

just curious, were there outside circumstances? shared bills(financial pressure), kids(tried to make it work for them), etc. was it a little of "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" and being afraid to risk on the unknown. or were you just lied to and led on? did you eventually go back and try and save it?

just trying to understand that pov, we all know hindsight is 20/20.

thanks

178 comments submitted at 17:47:19 on Mar 28, 2014 by olov244

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 263 Points
  • 21:51:54, 28 March

This is long and I suck at writing. Sorry.

When I was 18, I met Paul. We hit it off, almost instantly. I won’t go into the details, but we had many adventures together and falling in love with him came so easily I didn’t even realize it happened until I knew that I couldn’t live without him. He was also my first serious relationship. As things progressed and became more serious, I started to talk with friends and family about my future with him. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have his children. He felt the same way about me, we discussed it quite frankly. “You’re too young” “you’ve never even been with anyone else” friends would say… I was young and the idea that maybe I WAS being too rushed, maybe I needed to explore the world, etc, was planted. I was weak and I relented. Paul and I took a break so I could “figure things out”.

We stayed friends. We both dated other people during the break. No one compared the camaraderie I had with Paul. We knew each other inside and out and EVERY relationship I had was a testament to that. I never had with ANYONE, or felt about ANYONE the way I had felt about him. I never jumped into a relationship with two feet because I knew, I just KNEW that Paul always had my heart. During this hiatus of ours, we remained friends. And during the time, Paul would ask me if I was ready to be back in the relationship. “No, not yet”, “I don’t think so”…. At some point, the line had been drawn. I felt like I had entered the stage in my life that I could REALLY settle down. I called him… we talked for a long time but this time HIS answer was … “no”. I knew that it had used up my chances, and I couldn’t blame him for that… he didn’t deserve what I had done.

I entered a relationship with a friend of mine, Craig… we had only known each other for a couple of years, but always enjoyed each other’s company. . He was always very respectful and our friendship very organic. I knew he had a crush on me and was too shy to do anything about it. So, after I knew my chance with Paul had been used and was gone, I was happy to enter a relationship with him. It was a whirlwind; a passionate, loving and crazed relationship that ignited like fire. It was incredible… it wasn’t Paul, but I loved him. I know that I truly, truly loved him. But… it was still more seated in the love that you might have in a friend. In fact our relationship was more of that of friends, not lovers … only… we occasionally made love (if that makes sense). It was fun and easy … not forever, but certainly a fling that was MORE than enjoyable.

About 7 months in, I got a phone call from Paul. He poured his heart out. He had dated other people, they didn’t compare… he wanted to get back together, but he knew that I was in a relationship and he was sorry that he didn’t come to me sooner. He would wait until the relationship ended naturally, but he wanted to give it a real try… we were adults now, we could really be together. I agreed. I began planning my way out of the relationship. I was very ready to be with Paul. I didn’t deserve another chance and I knew how lucky I was.

Unfortunately, life had different plans. Not more than a couple of days later, a positive pregnancy test sealed my fate. I was pregnant. I had already been pregnant when Paul called and I just didn’t know it. It wasn’t fair for me to expect Paul to take care of a child that wasn’t his and I knew that Craig would be a wonderful father and had always wanted children. So, that’s the life I chose. I told Paul the situation, it was a difficult conversation, things were said that were hurtful, between the two of us. But … that was it. I stepped away, so did he.

Craig and I have a marriage that people envy. We’re incredibly loyal to one another and our family has grown since the birth of our son. I’m living the white picket fence kind of life. He’s my best friend. We joke, we laugh, we play with our kids… it’s the ideal family life. I’m happy, I feel lucky to live this life with him.

But… when I think about “when I fell in love” all the moments belong to Paul. Every time my daughter asks “tell me about love” it’s hard not to tell her about Paul. Because I knew what it was like to REALLY love someone romantically. I have a different kind of love for my husband. I know he thinks we were “meant to be” and I’m his “soul mate” but I can’t shake the thought that my soul mate is a man I can never speak to again.

And I haven’t. Not since our conversation years ago when I told him I was pregnant. It’s been a long, long time. I think about him every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I still miss him every single day.

I hope he’s happy.

TLDR; If you've got something good. GO with it. Don't let your insecurities guide you. And if you've lost "the right one" know that you can be happy, even if it's not in the way you expected.

EDIT**** - Thanks for the replies everyone. This isn't something I've shared with anyone, but something that weighs heavily on my chest. I also wanted to add (to the people who think I'm a horrible person to my husband) I don't think that the way I feel is romantic... I don't think it's right or it's normal. But I do want to express that I love Craig. I REALLY love him. I would die for that man. And even stories with profoundly flawed characters (myself) and rocky beginnings with deep hurt and regret can generate a successful and meaniful marriage that is fulfilling for everyone involved.

  • [-]
  • poopaloo
  • 37 Points
  • 23:56:30, 28 March

Holy fucking shit what a poetic story. It captures just that undertone of existential tragedy inherent in the striving of imperfect beings toward a perfect love, and conveys just that sense and suggestion of what real hope and love must look like and play out in human experience. Fucking beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I don't wish for you to be happy, because I don't know what that means. But I hope the love you do have, however flawed, you will find to be the truest and most beautiful.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 11 Points
  • 04:27:01, 29 March

Thank you. This actually made me cry. I hope for that too.

  • [-]
  • SanjayLeyh
  • 40 Points
  • 23:35:08, 28 March

I'm sad now.

  • [-]
  • darkangelx5
  • 19 Points
  • 02:17:59, 29 March

Are you serious? I was sucked into that like a sappy duckling, like I was reading it out of a Nickolas Sparks book. You should write a book about your story. I would read it and watch the movie when/if it came out and I would cry EVERY time! Aww!!!

  • [-]
  • ChrisVolkoff
  • 1 Points
  • 15:37:05, 29 March

I would totally read a Sparks-like book based on /u/throwawaycuzhusband's story.

Also, "The Best of Me" by Nicholas Sparks is kind of similar to her story. A guy and a girl fall deeply in love, but are separated because of their entirely different families. They go on to live completely different lives. 25 years later, they're back in their hometown for the funeral of the man who once gave shelter to their high school romance. I would really recommend it to someone who likes that kind of story. :)

  • [-]
  • troawayman
  • 104 Points
  • 22:32:38, 28 March

Ouch. For the three of you.

You've experienced true love that you can never have again.

Craig will never have your heart.

Paul will never have you.

You couldn't write a better romantic dramedy movie if you tried.

  • [-]
  • Mundology
  • 29 Points
  • 22:51:20, 28 March

My exact thought. It's like a bittersweet story. I'm sad for Craig though as he will never have someone that genuinely thinks of him as the one (;-; ) She successfully settled though so congrats.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 15 Points
  • 04:25:28, 29 March

I feel bad sometimes for him as well. I really try as hard as I can to be the best wife that I can be for him. I go out of my way to do things for him, surprises, etc. He's a good man. I know that I may not feel the same way as he does, but I'll try really hard to make sure he has a wonderful life with me.

  • [-]
  • bunnyguts
  • 11 Points
  • 05:49:28, 29 March

Maybe you're both better off. You're in it for the life you two have and you're going to work hard to make it right. Sometimes if you're in a relationship where you only rely on love, it's too easy, you forget that a partnership is much much more than that and it's takes effort to remain happy.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 12 Points
  • 05:54:41, 29 March

That is certainly one thing that Craig and I got right. We work extremely well together. Honestly, neither of us have that dopy, love sickness... we're just together. We get things done, we do things right. Thank you for reminding me of that.

  • [-]
  • kikomeprease
  • 4 Points
  • 07:36:15, 29 March

What was one of the major factors that held you back from loving your current husband in a more romantic aspect? Was it mainly due to your previous relationship with Paul that was hard to let go/forget?

  • [-]
  • Dragonnett
  • 28 Points
  • 22:03:03, 28 March

Thank you for sharing your story and showing us that you CAN still be happy and loyal, even if life doesn't take you quite the way you thought it would. It must take a lot to resist the temptation to speak to him again, and I give you a lot of respect for not doing so.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 17 Points
  • 04:26:27, 29 March

There is absolutely NO WAY I could be in contact with him. I have a lot of respect for Craig and that's a line I won't cross.

  • [-]
  • Dragonnett
  • 3 Points
  • 08:48:05, 29 March

Once again, lot of respect for you for staying loyal to Craig. I'm glad you're exploring the options of seeing a therapist as well since it seems like you're still going through a lot.

  • [-]
  • grumpycowboy
  • 9 Points
  • 02:25:40, 29 March

I understand where your at. I married mine though. 1 year in, her divorced friends convince her she hasn't done enough living. So she leaves and divorces me. The day we went to the lawyers and signed the papers I told her it was a mistake and I wanted her back. She was resigned. Fast forward 3 years she sees my engagement announcement to another woman. My ex calls and tells me that leaving me was the biggest mistake of her life. I tell her that I always loved her ,but she is to late. So I marry and have a wonderful life ,going on 16 years now. I only now feel I have fully moved on , but my ex will always be the love that got away. Of course I have not told my wife that I was never as passionate about her , as i was my ex ,and I never will.

  • [-]
  • Soft_Needles
  • 23 Points
  • 04:24:27, 29 March

Jesus, thats the biggest fear I have, to marry someone thinking they love you but in reality their heart belonging to someone else.

  • [-]
  • grumpycowboy
  • 1 Points
  • 15:14:06, 29 March

She doesn't know and I have loved her to the best of my ability. Like I said ,I am finally over my ex. It took about 15 years though ,and me maturing. As far as my wife knows we have lived in wedded bliss ( mostly )for 16 years . As long as I keep my mouth shut, her reality will never change. We all have our issues and if your mature enough ,they need not ever effect someone else's life. Wouldn't you be satisfied knowing that you may have been someone's second choice ,but they treated you like their first choice , then they eventually realized you were the best choice.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 4 Points
  • 04:28:25, 29 March

It's difficult. I'm sorry. It physically hurts sometimes to think about it.

  • [-]
  • grumpycowboy
  • 1 Points
  • 15:16:30, 29 March

It can take many years for your feelings to change. Focus on the faults of the former lover and the best traits of your husband. Nobodies perfect and your former lover may have turned into a complete douche as the years went by.

  • [-]
  • AFighterForLove
  • 8 Points
  • 02:21:10, 29 March

That sucks. I really liked the way you told the story. In my head, it was like a montage witg sappy piano in the background

  • [-]
  • Unaccounted
  • 8 Points
  • 00:50:22, 29 March

I needed to read this. Thank you.

  • [-]
  • mrspoon344
  • 8 Points
  • 04:16:18, 29 March

Oh my god, I could never marry someone who had these thoughts, im not being mean right now, I just don't understand how that could work.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 3 Points
  • 04:34:14, 29 March

I understand that. I deal with lots of guilt from it.

  • [-]
  • jehsee723
  • 3 Points
  • 05:23:51, 29 March

Damn. You're a great writer and this was a great story thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you didn't end up with your true love but I'm happy for you that you have a great life!

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 0 Points
  • 05:48:35, 29 March

I think that's what is difficult about the whole thing... in all actuality, Craig might be my true love. My life may have NEEDED to go this direction. There's a lot of doubt that been left from unanswered questions. The heart is a strange thing.

  • [-]
  • larz27
  • 4 Points
  • 06:07:58, 29 March

I'm so depressed now. The "Paul" of my life (a girl, me a guy) doesn't know if she sees us together in the future because of a short, long distance relationship. Almost 4 years of love, like you describe with Paul, and she's ready to throw it away. I don't mean any disrespect, but I hope my story doesn't turn out like yours. I hope to have her purged from my memory, or stay with her. I hope there is no purgatory between there. It's up to her at this point, I'm just along for the devastating ride.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 2 Points
  • 06:51:43, 29 March

I hope you get what you want, but know that even if things don't go perfectly... even when the wrong decision is made and if nothing turns out how you hoped, there is always happiness to be found somewhere... even if its an unexpected place.

  • [-]
  • kirbygay
  • 15 Points
  • 05:07:30, 29 March

I would bawl my eyes out if my SO told me he went through the same scenario as you. Then he'd be kicked out the door. This is shameful and horrible and I can't believe how many people are fawning over your "romance" story.

Ever watch Titanic? Falls in love with dude, he dies, she spends the rest of her of her life pining over love lost and is re-united with him in death? That's not romantic. That's horribly tragic for the husband who stood by her side the entire time and gave her children and grand children.

Sucks you chose to "settle" for your husband. You brought all this drama down on yourself and it's just ridiculous you're still obsessed with this image of a man from your past. Friggen let him go. It's not fair to your husband.

  • [-]
  • ratiomix
  • 10 Points
  • 05:39:30, 29 March

This story is incredibly sad but I have to agree with you. I can't imagine living a life married to one guy while pining over another. It's not fair to all parties involved and I wouldn't be at peace with myself.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 9 Points
  • 05:29:20, 29 March

Sadly, I agree with you. You have to understand that I'm not "obsessed" with him... My husband has my heart, because I can give it to whomever I like. I choose my husband. My relationship with MY heart is what's deeply flawed. I greive for something that I feel like I've lost, but possibly never had in the first. It's not a perfect story, I'm not a perfect person, I'm the antogonist. In fact, the thing that hurts the most, through all of this, is that I just can't get away from it and the guilt that surrounds me because if it.

But you do need to realize that I was never under the impression that there was ever ... THE ONE... I just didn't come about the means to my husband and my family the way I expected to. And you're right, it's hurtful to Craig. I really hope that I "get over it" but with it having been so many years now... I think I need professional help in coping and dealing with it. It's become a rediculously impactful personal tragedy.

  • [-]
  • capsulet
  • 12 Points
  • 09:17:23, 29 March

I am not saying this in an accusatory or derogatory way at all, but I don't understand how you can say you think of Paul every single day... and yet you're "not obsessed with him".

  • [-]
  • beersticker
  • 1 Points
  • 13:26:43, 29 March

Your story makes me think of my current love interest in many ways. I couldn't imagine being with someone else pinning over him and constantly wondering "what if?"

Along with therapy, because it really does help talking about it out loud and getting it off your chest, you can write a letter to Paul about everything you've been wanting to tell him, then read it out loud and then burn it.

Good luck to you, you'll realize that this love isn't the love you want and you'll see the qualities in your husband i.e. The way he moves, the way he smiles, how his eyes look when he looks at you talking, maybe he stares at your mouth, or how he may bite his lip when he refrains from smiling, all of those small things will amount to how much you crave him while he's not around and focus on that! Not your old lover because he's history and your husband is now!

  • [-]
  • humpaa
  • 3 Points
  • 10:43:07, 29 March

This. This is completely unfair to craig. She is pretending, she is selfish because she was too scared to let Craig go. She didn't want to deal with craig being heartbroken, which he would've gotten over eventually. Let him fucking go, let him find someone who will truly love him. She is using the child as an excuse.

  • [-]
  • yata97
  • 7 Points
  • 02:34:35, 29 March

You're an incredible writer, and a wonderful person. As a guy reading this I have always feared of becoming Craig.

If Craig was to have asked you before you found out that you were pregnant or even today if he is the love of your life what would you say?

I'm a guy that is already terrified of idea marriage, perhaps it comes from a place of insecurity and this story perfectly illustrated my greatest fear.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 6 Points
  • 04:30:05, 29 March

I would tell Craig that he gave me the life I was meant to live, that my life with him is filled with more love than I could've asked for. Sometimes I truly believe that this was the path I was meant to take. I love my children more than anything in this world. I like to think of them as the loves of my life, and he gave that to me.

  • [-]
  • Gnsd22
  • 22 Points
  • 04:04:18, 29 March

You are a being childish. I am sorry for the bluntness, but your current mate is the one. Your former mate is an idealized imagination. You don't see his real faults, you fawn over only the good things. If you were with him now you would see the bad along with the good. Right now you only long for the good. this is childish. You are imagining something that is not real. Only positives, no negatives. The old guy isn't perfect.

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 29 Points
  • 04:32:56, 29 March

I agree he wasn't perfect. And I agree with you about me being childish. If I were a friend of myself, I would say "If it were meant to work out with Paul, or everything was "PERFECT" with him, you would have stayed with him. Something made you leave." And in a way I agree with that. While I was writing I thought to myself... If I had left Craig for Paul ... would I be writing the opposite of what I'm writing now? It's a hard thing to escape from. I've seriously considered seeing a therapist.

  • [-]
  • capsulet
  • 4 Points
  • 09:15:22, 29 March

You really should see a therapist. It would do nothing but improve your marriage in ways you didn't realize needed improving.

  • [-]
  • throw_j
  • 2 Points
  • 04:38:52, 29 March

Thank you for saying this. I agree completely (not that it matters).

  • [-]
  • Areat
  • 9 Points
  • 05:43:08, 29 March

Was an abortion this much out of the question?

  • [-]
  • throwawaycuzhusband
  • 14 Points
  • 05:52:54, 29 March

At the time I became pregnant I was just about to get my masters, I had a great job and I knew what the consequences of sex could be (we used condoms). I was a big girl who made big girl decisions. He did not accidently fall into my bed. Pregnancy was always a chance, and at the time that we were sexually active... I was willing to take it; we were adults and would deal with it accordingly. I would not have an abortion just because, after I willing chose to have sex and take that chance, the baby was suddenly an inconvience.

  • [-]
  • Areat
  • 7 Points
  • 06:10:39, 29 March

I think I won't be able to understand this decision. Doesn't make any sense to me.

  • [-]
  • tattereddustjackets
  • 9 Points
  • 06:18:34, 29 March

Just because abortion is an option, doesn't mean it's the right option for everyone. It sounds like she was in the right situation for a baby, it was just the wrong person. I know in that situation I've always wanted a baby and so if I had the financial means I would have made the same decision.

  • [-]
  • mYIHq
  • 3 Points
  • 07:44:46, 29 March

Agreed. This makes zero sense. There is a 20% chance of becoming pregnant on each cycle, and I hit my wife's first one off the pill.

In the grand majority of cases pregnancy isn't a miracle.

  • [-]
  • capsulet
  • 1 Points
  • 09:13:54, 29 March

This is how people should view abortion... As a last resort, not a method of birth control. Your story made my heart break (for your husband mostly), but I really respect your decision.

  • [-]
  • zvaigzdutem
  • 4 Points
  • 11:03:27, 29 March

There's no evidence that people actually use abortion as a form of birth control, that's quite the strawman you have set up.

  • [-]
  • capsulet
  • 2 Points
  • 12:32:51, 29 March

Wtf? I was referring to the other comment saying they don't understand why she didn't just abort... Doing so would basically be a form of birth control.

  • [-]
  • Think_please
  • 1 Points
  • 15:00:39, 29 March

...but if you were using condoms doesn't that essentially mean that you were of the mindset that having a baby wasn't what you or your partner wanted at that time? I realize that this (resignation?) is how many pregnancy decisions are made, but to me it just seems like a poor reason to bring a new person into the world and irrevocably alter three other lives.

Out of curiosity, did Paul say that he would raise him if he could be with you?

  • [-]
  • DuckDuckGander
  • 3 Points
  • 05:22:36, 29 March

If you had a chance to talk to Paul... what would you tell him?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 3 Points
  • 05:37:47, 29 March

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • sehrah
  • 1 Points
  • 08:06:02, 29 March

This comment has been removed from AskWomen for gendered slurs; if you would like to edit, we can reapprove your post.

Please read the rules here, and take a look through our FAQ while you're there. If you'd like to talk about the removal of your comment, message the moderators.

  • [-]
  • thefool05
  • 2 Points
  • 07:56:14, 29 March

Incredibly well written. You captured my heart truly with your words then tore it to pieces as I got to the ending. Such a bittersweet tale, and I admire you for staying loyal with your family. I know a lot of people who don't even come close to your situation but can't seem to be faithful.

That being said, I'm scared. Very scared. I'm just in my early 20s. Right now, I fooling around quite a bit, and admittedly enjoy every second of it. But I've never been in true love before. What if the woman I fall in love with has already been taken? What if I'm the Craig in my own story? I've already been rejected by a couple of girls who I wanted to be serious with because they're hung up on their first love. This thought keeps me awake some nights.

  • [-]
  • handsomesmum
  • 1 Points
  • 13:54:39, 29 March

Thank you for sharing your true feelings; I deeply disagree with everyone who is making you out to be "bad" or saying you're "settling" for Craig - this is bullshit. Your love for Craig is just as true and real as the love you had for Paul, it's just less passionate/romantic. And so what? Love is so multi-faceted and complex, I feel that most people only choose 1 version of it: "you have to be passionate soulmates!!!". I honestly don't think this means you "settled" for Craig or "oh poor Craig". Absolutely not - you are both lucky to be in a stable, loving, ADULT marriage. People here might be confusing real love with The Notebook type of love where 2 old people will die holding hands on the same deathbed and this is not the case. Real love will be when you and Craig grow old together, raise a happy and healthy child together, and sit together at the end of the day content with the life you've made together, challenges and all. That is real love.

  • [-]
  • FoolishGypsy
  • 1 Points
  • 14:11:52, 29 March

Pretty close to home for me. Except I'm Paul.

  • [-]
  • worm_bagged
  • 1 Points
  • 09:25:21, 29 March

That was beautiful. I need to apologize to my "Craig".

  • [-]
  • UniqueRaj
  • 1 Points
  • 09:48:22, 29 March

Thank you for this excellent read, I feel your pain, as if its my pain

  • [-]
  • sockpuppettherapy
  • 1 Points
  • 13:51:51, 29 March

This sounds like a situation of "the grass is greener" though. I know you and Paul remained friends, but I wonder if the relationship would have been different had you stayed together.

  • [-]
  • cerealsex
  • 1 Points
  • 14:18:56, 29 March

I have a similar story.

My boyfriend/fiance/mightaswellbemyhusband and I have been together for 6.5 years (at this point in the story). We had never had an ideal relationship because when you love each other as we do (we are the you and Paul) passion trumps productivity sometimes. But we have 2 children, he's got a dream job, but somewhere the passion had fizzled. It was mostly my fault, I have a strong personality, he is laid back...

Well we found ourselves in a comfortable routine, life, family, a deadbedroom and just friends (i was late to this realization)....in our midtwenties. So one Saturday morning, 8 months ago now he told me to pack the kids and leave, sparing the juicy details, i did as he asked.

He quit his job, started following his passion, dated women, explored himself, all the thibgs he needed to do.

I moved back to my mother's house, she's not exactly easy to live with especially with 2 toddlers in tow. I ended up finding my center among the chaos and becoming happy again.

Separate, but together we decided we wanted to try again. He was in a relationship with a friend, i was talking to many guys to ease the burden of being without him.

So, finally in February we decided to try again. It was a whirlwind. Then he "got me back" for hurting him before. Then things got complicated. Then feelings got hurt. Then we almost split up.

Then we decided to wash away the past. Then we started communicating and the passion AND the friendship was there. Now we're happy and things are the best they have ever been for us.

My version is different, but i want you to know i cried because this was almost me and him. We both had people who could have been our best friends in love. I am sorry things turned out the way they did for you with Paul, but Craig is a lucky man.

Its not settling, to everyone gripping at you, its called moving on and being an adult. You did what was right and honorable. Hugs

  • [-]
  • profane_existence
  • 1 Points
  • 14:55:59, 29 March

I love this story. It's real and honest and human, and it kind of makes me love you, fellow human. Thank you very much for sharing this with us!

  • [-]
  • theninjallama
  • 2 Points
  • 03:26:36, 29 March

If I had gold you would be the recipient. You just made a 17 year old highschool kid cry

  • [-]
  • srsh
  • 2 Points
  • 03:46:04, 29 March

thanks you for sharing such a bittersweet story. Lots to learn there.

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 128 Points
  • 19:57:30, 28 March

I've been there. Twice.

In my first two years of college I was involved with a wonderful man who ended up going to school out of state. He was more than willing to stay in a monogamous LDR but I started to feel neglected and dumped him because I felt like I wasn't getting the typical college experience of dating around. The guy I dated immediately afterward was abusive, so there's that. It took four years for me to date after that relationship ended.

The second time, I had a relationship with an older guy that was going no where. He treated me like a princess but we were better friends than romantic partners. We even went to couples therapy. We broke up after it became unbearable to be in the same room and this amazing guy from work asked me out. I briefly went out with the guy from work, but went back to my ex. Things never improved (surprise!).

A year after all that nonsense, I find myself laid off. The guy from work and I continue to date on and off but I feel the pain I put him through initially has doomed our relationship. He deserves better.

TL;DR: I should probably let my parents set me up for an arranged marriage because I have NO idea what the hell I'm doing.

  • [-]
  • Mundology
  • 24 Points
  • 20:54:25, 28 March

You may want to read 'A Suitable Boy' from Vikram Seth. It's a really interesting book and was an enjoyable read. If you find it too big, try the abridged version. Have a nice day :)

  • [-]
  • Vaguswarrior
  • 33 Points
  • 22:09:28, 28 March

Indian guy here: I loved 'A Suitable Boy.' Vikram Seth was actually a family friend of ours, my parents are English professors, I got a signed copy of Beastly Tales when I was younger.

I have nothing to add to this anecdote.

  • [-]
  • apple_crumble1
  • 12 Points
  • 22:38:51, 28 March

I love A Suitable Boy so far, but it's too heavy for me to carry around everywhere, and so it's been sitting on my bedside table for about a year, moving very slowly.

I also have nothing to add to this comment.

  • [-]
  • AlizarinQ
  • 5 Points
  • 01:27:09, 29 March

This is why I love my nook. I love having a book with me when I'm waiting for planes, or appointments, or whatever, but the weight of an 800 page hardcover is bothersome.

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 4 Points
  • 21:07:36, 28 March

I will definitely check it out!

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 2 Points
  • 21:07:22, 28 March

I will definitely check it out!

  • [-]
  • olov244
  • 11 Points
  • 02:14:08, 29 March

please don't feel like the guy from work "deserves better" let him make that choice. the girl i fell for was perfect to me, good girl with a little wild past and a naughty side, she never stopped saying i deserved better, but i've never found anyone even close to as well matched to me as her.

gl, ty for your reply

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 1 Points
  • 15:31:30, 29 March

He broke up with me yesterday, oddly enough. Said he fell out of love. :-(

  • [-]
  • dremic
  • 6 Points
  • 23:10:22, 28 March

You are beating yourself up too much I think.

Hope things pan out :)

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 1 Points
  • 02:11:21, 29 March

Thanks! That means a lot.

  • [-]
  • worm_bagged
  • 1 Points
  • 09:29:13, 29 March

You sound just like an apprentice friend of mine who immigrated from the Phillipines.

  • [-]
  • TheWorstIndianAlive
  • 1 Points
  • 15:31:45, 29 March

GO ON...

  • [-]
  • DogPencil
  • 48 Points
  • 00:33:06, 29 March

Hey OP, something to keep in mind is that a lot of people, myself included, tend to romanticize the past and subconsciously choose to avoid remembering the bad things about a former partner.

We do this because remembering shitty things makes us feel shitty and we try to avoid feeling shitty when we can.

Another reason this happens is because people don't like to accept they decided to spend several years of their life with the wrong person. For many of us, "she was pretty good and I let her get away," is an easier pill to swallow than "I wasted 4 years of my life with a terrible person who emotionally abused me and treated me like a turd."

Clearly, this is not the case for everyone here, but I can tell you it was my personal case for quite some time.

  • [-]
  • Hyii
  • 5 Points
  • 05:42:05, 29 March

This. I hate to use the reddit cliche. I still think to my first college girlfriend. It was a goofy, adventurous wonderful relationship. But we were fundamentally incompatible. I was thinking about how our relationship had an expiration date the day she broke up with me. Still devastated me because I thought we had more time. I have never been that happy and relaxed again. I'm a total hardline careerist now. Other girls I've dated have been casual, not very intense. I catch myself thinking back to how happy we were but I remind myself the whole time I was with her I was reminded of how it wouldn't work long term because of clear difference that were already showing. Stuff that would only get worse after college, with jobs and responsibility.

  • [-]
  • NerdfighterKnight
  • 3 Points
  • 04:15:32, 29 March

Good point, I feel that I am an example of that. I wasn't involved in the situation op mentioned, but I chose to force the shitty things my ex did out of my memory. I did this because I still get mad at her if I think to much about it. It works though, at least for me.

  • [-]
  • -taradactyl-
  • 1 Points
  • 12:57:04, 29 March

> "I wasted 4 years of my life with a terrible person who emotionally abused me and treated me like a turd."

I make a point to remember this so I never fall into those relationships again

  • [-]
  • SalamandrAttackForce
  • 54 Points
  • 20:24:33, 28 March

Moved in with new roommates and me and one of the roommates instantly fell in love. We had a wonderful, happy relationship and got along perfectly. Amazing sex too. I knew I wanted to marry him within a month of dating and we talked about marriage together. When we started dating, he had already been accepted to a grad school in another state and we always knew he'd be leaving. The plan was to do long distance for a few months and then follow him (a move would not have interfered with anything in my life). I'd never been on my own and needed him as an emotional crutch. I was scared of being lonely or bored or sad ever. I freaked out and found a new guy to hang out with a week later. The new guy turned out to be a convicted rapist, smoked pot every single moment of free time, had an awful temper, and lived off me for 2 months when he lost his job. I was immature and weak and I threw away the best relationship I've ever had. 2 more failed relationships later and I still miss him. I try to contact him and send him a message every now and again, but he ignores it. I'm sorry Scott.

  • [-]
  • crow6671
  • 14 Points
  • 23:55:34, 28 March

:-(

  • [-]
  • I_FUCKIN_ATODASO_
  • -1 Points
  • 03:49:11, 29 March

Seriously? Come on.....fuck that

  • [-]
  • devymetalxo
  • 21 Points
  • 20:00:24, 28 March

I was tempted to do this once, and these stories make me realize how close I was to losing the best thing in my life.

  • [-]
  • sorrywrongguy
  • 22 Points
  • 21:24:08, 28 March

My case is rather more extreme than the others, but I feel that maybe other people can relate to it, so perhaps I should post it.

During my early years of high school, I was dating what I would consider to be the "right" guy, even though I didn't really think of him as such at the time. He was chubby, awkward, short, and had a great deal of curly hair, pimples, and braces. He was certainly not the most handsome boy I had seen, and I only started dating him because I thought his taste in music was cool. ^sigh

But he was one of the sweetest boys I had ever met, and always treated me very well. He respected my sexual boundaries, was kind to my family, always made me mixed tapes and cool geometric drawings, and brought me flowers. He never said a word against me, even after we broke up, and was just all-around wonderful. I fell in love with him, despite him looking a bit silly.

After a few months, though, a different boy caught my eye: He was 6'3", slender, and had a very sharp, Scandinavian bone structure that I adored. Big lips and green eyes, the works. I fell for him after only talking to him for a few weeks, and decided to leave my then-boyfriend to date this handsome guy.

The relationship sucked immediately; I was almost obsessively drawn to him, and expected constant texting, kissing, and sex, although he returned the gestures in a cold manner. I remember after about two months of dating, I told him I loved him, and he told me he thought he would never love me. I blamed myself for being too attached, and began to hate myself for what I was doing, but I continued to love him.

The tables turned over time, though. He had a massive drinking problem (we lived in central Europe, so the drinking age is younger than in the US or UK), and would often become emotional when he drank. He would call me at 2 or 3 in the morning, shit-faced, crying and asking me to come outside and see him. When I did meet him, he was always covered in blood -- whether the blood was his or somebody else's, he never said. He got into fights with other people, and came home at least every weekend with bruises and cuts. He began to obsessively fall in love with me, while I turned away from him gradually. However, there was this underlying magnetic attraction to him that I couldn't control, which is why I stayed with him.

Our relationship became even worse, and he started turning his alcoholism and violence to me. When I fucked up, he would either hit me or bite me. Sometimes he would leave marks, but most often not. I didn't tell anyone about what was going on until a friend at school managed to catch a glimpse of it; he had slammed my fingers shut in a locker door while we were alone, because some of his friends claimed I cheated on him, and my friend saw and asked me about it later. He convinced me to break up with this guy.

I did, although reluctantly, and came back to him almost immediately. This pattern continued for about 6 months. I felt like I was in love with him to the extent where I could overlook this abuse, but in hindsight, I was terribly, terribly afraid. I was abused as a child, and so I think some of this fear was coming from past-traumas. Eventually, I managed to move on and my desire and attraction to him had faded. I began to date another boy, but still kept in contact with the last one.

He continued to harass me by calling me late at night after drinking and throwing rocks at my window. He was much kinder to me, though, and had stopped hitting me. He always begged me to take him back, but I stood my ground.

There was one distinctive day that ruined everything, though. He came over to my house when my parents were gone, telling me he needed to talk about something. I reluctantly let him in. He held me down and raped me that day.

I kept in contact with him after that day, although it was in complete fear. I hid the events of that day from my then-boyfriend and my parents for almost a year, but they knew something was wrong. I wasn't myself after that and am still quite apprehensive about getting intimate with somebody. I finally cut contact with him one day, but still think about him often and wonder where he is and what he's doing. I still love him, but it's a strange kind of love. Perhaps it's not really love, but another strong emotion that I can't quite categorize. As much as I feel that for him, I'm also in complete fear of him. Even to the extent where this is written on a throwaway account because he still knows my reddit username and I'm almost positive he always looks at it. After all, he loved me, too, in the end.

  • [-]
  • GrayBomb
  • 9 Points
  • 00:55:50, 29 March

I don't know if you'll see this because of the throwaway, but I know what you mean by that strong not love emotion you can't categorize. I feel the same about an ex, who was abusive for years. Same as you, in the end the only contact I held with him was out of fear. I hate him for everything he's done and how his past actions affect my life even years later, but I'd still be heartbroken to find out if he died or something.

  • [-]
  • sorrywrongguy
  • 2 Points
  • 08:49:45, 29 March

It's an awful feeling, isn't it? Thank you for your words of support.

  • [-]
  • day_for_night
  • 5 Points
  • 05:06:06, 29 March

Is that really leaving the right guy for the wrong one, though? It sounds more like you left one wrong guy (sweet, but you weren't physically attracted to him) for a far worse one.

Edit: I don't understand the downvotes here. The first guy would have been better off with someone who genuinely found him attractive, not someone who was settling for him. Without physical/sexual attraction it's not much more than friendship.

  • [-]
  • fullmealdeal
  • 3 Points
  • 00:21:01, 29 March

Dayum...that reads like a Judy Blume novel.

  • [-]
  • kidkvlt
  • 35 Points
  • 19:53:36, 28 March

There's one dude who has ruined 3 of my relationships. I'm just staying away from him from now on.

  • [-]
  • watermelonoma
  • 17 Points
  • 20:21:19, 28 March

I had one of those. He cheated on three girls with me. And I cheated with him. We have an extremely strong attraction.

  • [-]
  • watermelonoma
  • 4 Points
  • 00:27:42, 29 March

He ruined my relationships. I never physically cheated. But that was simply due to distance.

  • [-]
  • TheWeakSon
  • 1 Points
  • 04:42:40, 29 March

I think you just...responded to yourself but forgot to use your throwaway? Or responded to the wrong comment.

  • [-]
  • watermelonoma
  • 4 Points
  • 04:57:20, 29 March

No just responded as a clarification.

  • [-]
  • Mundology
  • 5 Points
  • 22:39:43, 28 March

Cheaters United!

  • [-]
  • Wlcome2enemyturf
  • 7 Points
  • 00:51:17, 29 March

Sounds like it's time to consider swinging/polyamory honestly.

  • [-]
  • BasketCaseSensitive
  • 1 Points
  • 13:03:22, 29 March

cheating still happens in open relationships

  • [-]
  • WillsMyth
  • 3 Points
  • 20:42:35, 28 March

Care to explain?

  • [-]
  • kidkvlt
  • 8 Points
  • 21:27:10, 28 March

It's a long story but essentially its a case of very strong magnetic attraction (physical and mental) + he can't handle being in a relationship

  • [-]
  • VintageJane
  • 4 Points
  • 06:18:09, 29 March

I have one of these guys. He just had his first kid with one of the girls he was constantly stringing along. I think she was just not smart enough to call him out on being a douche so they got hitched for military benefits and popped out spawn. I hate how bitter I am even though I knew I'd never go back to him.

You spend 7 years thinking you are supposed to end up with someone. It's weird when they choose a life without you that seems like the opposite of what they ever wanted.

  • [-]
  • WillsMyth
  • 3 Points
  • 22:06:06, 28 March

Me and the wife started like that. We were single and dating. Then I got back with my ex and she got engaged. That stopped us from seeing each other for about 6 months. lol Then I stole her from him and she stole me from my ex. We were just to perfect for each other to part. I never got the idea of dating your best friend until her. Almost 5 years now........................HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN ALMOST 5 YEARS! lol

  • [-]
  • PM_me_your_puppy
  • 2 Points
  • 20:51:36, 28 March

What happened?

  • [-]
  • elkerabi
  • 2 Points
  • 21:24:42, 28 March

You've cheated in 3 different relationships?

  • [-]
  • kidkvlt
  • 0 Points
  • 21:25:38, 28 March

No, I've cheated in one. Involving that guy

  • [-]
  • building_a_moat
  • 59 Points
  • 18:46:14, 28 March

This happened in high school, so it's not exactly a perfect example, but sort of what you're describing. A few years ago, I got into flirtatious relationships with two different girls who had both shown interest in me. It wasn't intentional, because at the time I had exactly zero experience with women and it didn't occur to me for a while that this was the case.

Once I realized they were both interested and I had been leading both of them on simply by being completely oblivious, I made a choice between the two and started dating one of them. To this day I still have no idea why I picked the one I did, because it ended up being a relationship that destroyed my confidence due to the fact that I ended up pretending to be someone I wasn't to the point where I completely forgot what my real personality was.

I realized a long time later that the other girl and I had better chemistry, a longer history, and were overall just way more compatible, but by then she was with someone else, who she recently got engaged to.

I don't worry about it too much now, though. Hell, if I had been with the other girl, she might not have met the guy she's with now and she might not be as happy. I might never have had to take a serious look at myself and figure out how to be confident. I don't know how the girl I dated is doing, we haven't talked in a while, but she's probably better off too. We were never right for each other.

Sorry that this kind of rambled on. I don't know if I answered your question or not, but that's my story.

  • [-]
  • GuayabaDulce
  • 30 Points
  • 19:00:11, 28 March

tbh, talking about high school relationships and being your first attempt at that, it could have happened the same if you had chosen the other girl. "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence" they say, and it makes you wonder but none of that matters.

You built experience, and that's what matters.

  • [-]
  • building_a_moat
  • 5 Points
  • 19:13:47, 28 March

Yeah that's about how I feel about it now. It took me a while to get over the girl I dated, I made the mistake of staying friends with her for a long time after we broke up, then we got back together briefly before going our separate ways. Since we've been completely out of contact I've had a chance to realize who I really was, rather than being who I thought she wanted me to be. I'm now happier than I've ever been and I've taken a liking to being single. It's much more fun.

  • [-]
  • mattkerle
  • -14 Points
  • 01:57:03, 29 March

Why are you, a man, answering questions in r/askwomen?

  • [-]
  • tashananana
  • 9 Points
  • 03:19:54, 29 March

Because its a question applicable for all genders and orientations and people don't mind getting the different perspectives?

  • [-]
  • mattkerle
  • -5 Points
  • 04:46:34, 29 March

isn't this sub called "askwomen"? buildingamoat identifies as a male (by flair), so to me it seems logically inconsistent. If this was /r/AskReddit or /r/askmen or indeed any other sub I wouldn't care. Obviously lots of guys lurk here (myself included), but I don't answer questions directed at women...

  • [-]
  • tashananana
  • 7 Points
  • 05:29:39, 29 March

Sub FAQ

"I am a man. Can I answer?

Yes, you are welcome on this subreddit and can comment, ask questions, freely engage in conversation, etc.

If you find that a woman’s reply conflicts with your own experience, please don't downvote or invalidate her response. You can explain your experience, ask further questions about her viewpoint, etc.

However, invalidation from either men or women is not allowed. Such comments will be removed. If you see invalidating posts, please report them."

  • [-]
  • mattkerle
  • -7 Points
  • 05:40:39, 29 March

Ah, I didn't realise it was in the FAQ, silly me, upvoted for relevance. Ps thanks for the down votes whoever that is, great reddiquette...

  • [-]
  • hollywoodshowbox
  • 4 Points
  • 03:22:56, 29 March

What made you think it was a man? I felt perfectly comfortable reading it from the point of view of a woman. Also: If he/she is on mobile, they might not actually see what subreddit this is in but felt compelled to answer it anyways.

  • [-]
  • engineeringscientist
  • 3 Points
  • 03:34:18, 29 March

The flair says male so that would be a valid assumption.

  • [-]
  • hollywoodshowbox
  • 3 Points
  • 03:50:19, 29 March

Whoops, missed that. Thanks for pointing it out!

  • [-]
  • building_a_moat
  • 5 Points
  • 04:09:02, 29 March

Because i like to party

  • [-]
  • what_a_cat_astrophe
  • 6 Points
  • 23:42:25, 28 March

Sort of. I left the righter guy for the wrong guy. But in the end, they were both wrong for me.

I dated a really sweet man for about 2 years. He was respectful, gentle, and we had a lot in common. We got along swimmingly! However, there was no passion between us - it just wasn't love.

I ended up falling for a friend and breaking it off with my 2 year relationship. The friend was head over heels for me, and filled the void of passion. But he ended up being extremely possessive and psychotic. Hands down the worst boyfriend I have ever had.

  • [-]
  • larz27
  • 3 Points
  • 06:13:14, 29 March

I know it was kind of setup this way, but this thread is just filled with sadness and dressing stories. Im sorry for your kind of loss and then terrible situation :/

  • [-]
  • sentimentalpenguin
  • 4 Points
  • 01:28:25, 29 March

I broke it off with a guy I was head over heels for. We had gone on a date a year before, but lived several hours apart and didn't want to make a go of it. I did a summer trip overseas and when I got back, he was living in my city. So we started seeing each other and had a wonderful time together, great chemistry, and just generally enjoyed each other's company.

I broke things off with him and immediately got engaged to a jerk who did things like spend $3000 in 3 months on toys and video games. I kid you not. He had every gaming system ever (which, while cool, sure, does not help when you need to pay the bills and he keeps pouring his money into games for aforementioned systems). It ended in divorce shortly after he went to see my favorite band in concert with his friends at a festival and didn't invite me.

Suffice it to say that I should have given the scary unknown a shot with the first guy, the guy I had the most amazing date ever with, the guy with the wild outdoorsy heart. And not married someone else who I knew wasn't a good kisser when I married him.

  • [-]
  • comradeda
  • 4 Points
  • 07:09:21, 29 March

Why did you break things off with the 'right' guy? It seems like a gap in the story.

  • [-]
  • sentimentalpenguin
  • 2 Points
  • 10:46:57, 29 March

I was scared. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship where the guy left me for my best friend with her knowing full well the extent of the abuse. I went overseas and dealt with all those issues then cane back. The right guy was adventurous and a lot like me in his attitude toward life.

The wrong guy was "safe." He was older, presumably more mature (he wasn't) and seemed stable because he had been in the same place for so long and didn't seem like he was going to change (he didn't really, but it didn't occur to me at 19 that a 27yo man without a bank account was a bad idea). I felt like I knew his history better because we were from the same small town, but the right guy I was learning all sorts of new things about and was worried I might learn something I didn't like, I guess.

It's hazy at this point what went through my immediately post abuse freaked out mind, but for whatever reason I saw the right guy as an unknown factor because of how I felt about him, and I was extremely afraid of my own feelings and especially the unknown. That was my biggest fear at that point.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 34 Points
  • 19:01:27, 28 March

I was a junior in college when I fell madly in love with my current boyfriend. Apparently he had been into me for a really long time but I was just an idiot and didn't know.

We hit it off immediately. Super intense mental AND physical attraction which is rare for me. Well then I find out he has this long distance gf he's had since high school, but they practice an "open" relationship or some bs. I found out a couple of days before Valentine's Day, he told me she was coming in town for it and he was going to take her out and break it off. I was pissed. Why would he let her come up at all? So I broke it off. I was actually casually talking to another guy who I liked at the time who had a psycho ex who lived in town, but in my mind a psycho ex nearby was not nearly as bad as a high school sweetheart who is willing to be in an "open" relationship just so she can keep someone in her life. Long story short - I chose the dude with the local baggage and it was a nightmare. Ex turned out to be prego, had to get an abortion, started a smear campaign against me in our group of friends, and ATTACKED me physically on two different occasions. Obviously I wasn't going to be with dude number 2 anymore, but my current bf wouldn't have me back. I had to watch him fuck a lot of girls I knew (and a bunch I didn't) because this town was incestuous as fuck and whatnot and I honestly at the time though he was trying to make me feel the pain he felt when I left him for that scumbag. Not saying I didn't get around during that time as well but it took a whole year before I was finally able to corner him and said - "I'm sorry. I should have chosen you."

We've been together ever since, and it hasn't been easy, but he is my best friend, my soul mate, and so much more. Even when we fight it's with love because we know how much we mean to each other.

Moral of the story is: Trust your heart. I knew I loved him but my ego got the best of me, and I paid for it dearly. Nothing will ever get me back that hellish year or make me forget it, but everything happens for a reason.

EDIT: I have no idea if he was sleeping with girls I knew out of convenience or spite. I'll ask him today! The answer is probably convenience since like I mentioned, this town was incestuous as all get out.

  • [-]
  • Thegirlonfire5
  • 109 Points
  • 19:57:58, 28 March

As an internet stranger who knows nothing about your relationship but this snippet it sounds like this guy isn't really that great either. He lied by omission about being in an open relationship (if he was in one) something any reasonable person would want to know about before getting into a relationship. Didn't tell you about it until he absolutely had to: when he would be with another girl over Valentines day. Then, has his long distance gf come see him on Valentines day to break up with her...what? Then tries to hurt you for breaking up with him while he was in a relationship with another girl. I'm sure there's more going on than what you told us but he sounds like a pretty awful person....

  • [-]
  • PancakesInThePM
  • 54 Points
  • 20:04:58, 28 March

Damn you ain't kidding. The dream guy sounds absolutely horrible, lol

  • [-]
  • Mundology
  • 18 Points
  • 21:06:24, 28 March

Some people have the misfortune of attracting negative people. Their relationship sounds genuinely unhealthy from the perspective of an Internet stranger. It was fundamentally based on lies, deception, manipulation coercion, jealousy and hypocrisy. Yet, who am I to judge? Let's hope for the best :P

  • [-]
  • Drakkanrider
  • 25 Points
  • 20:06:29, 28 March

Yeah, he sounds like a lying asshole... I couldn't ever forgive someone for lying to me and intentionally trying to hurt me, that's just immature and narcissistic behavior.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 5 Points
  • 20:51:45, 28 March

Much, much more going on. And keep in mind this is college so everyone is messing around and honestly, I don't fault him for it. I will admit he has his faults but dishonesty is not one of them. He told me as soon as it was appropriate given the circumstances.

We were just fooling around at the beginning and I really didn't realize how much I cared until I saw him with someone else (during the period when he wouldn't talk to me). She did end up coming up and he still broke up with her even though I told him to f off (and we had only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks at this point).

According to my friends, without my knowledge, he had been obsessing over me since freshman year (when I hit on his room mate but completely ignored him, apparently. One of many times I ignored his advances), so honestly I was kind of more of the jerk long-term, but in that moment I couldn't have been more furious about the long distance gf situation. Now I know better.

EDIT: Editing to add that I have no idea if he was sleeping with girls I knew to hurt me. The answer is probably not, but that's how it felt at the time.

  • [-]
  • Jake0024
  • 2 Points
  • 21:43:47, 28 March

Almost all of this happened to me and my roommate in college over the course of a couples weeks (I had an on/off long distance relationship from high school, he had a pregnant ex--not his kid--who attacked his new girlfriend). Except she was coming to visit for Halloween, not Valentine's Day--and I told her not to come (I had a big test coming up), but she insisted she was coming because it was a mutual friend's birthday and when she showed up to "surprise" me (after I told her not to come) I told her to leave.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 2 Points
  • 21:46:28, 28 March

That's wild. I have a feeling if he had told her not to come she would have anyway, as well.

  • [-]
  • PatrickKaneAndAbel
  • 3 Points
  • 19:22:24, 28 March

It was pretty brave to admit to him that you made the wrong decision. In many cases, especially in a bad breakup, it seems like it's something an ex would want to hear to boost their ego and feel like they'd "won". Out of curiosity, how long did it take you two to get back together after you admitted you'd made the wrong decision?

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 3 Points
  • 20:58:26, 28 March

I'm sure he'd like to think he's won a few of our disagreements, but we both know that I usually have to "win" for something to be over haha ;). In a sense I won because I got what I wanted - him.

We were kinda taking it slow for the first 2 -3 weeks after I fessed up, which was in January. By March I had planned to come to Austin, TX for SXSW and left my car in Georgia (where we went to school). Told him if he wanted to he could drive over to hang (thinking he'd never do it!) and lo and behold he did. Dude drove across the country to come hang out with me (even if it was my car) - that's a 18-20 hour drive for 3 days, but they were some of the best days of my life.

  • [-]
  • littlelibertine
  • -2 Points
  • 21:01:01, 28 March

Hey, please don't hate on open relationships. They're the preferred method of relationship for many people, and it's neither more nor less legitimate as a relationship style as monogamy.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 7 Points
  • 21:11:29, 28 March

Hey, no hate intended. It was a confusing issue to me at the time. I still maintain that it is not something I'd want to be involved in, nor that I really like.

If that is your way of life though, keep on keeping on. I wish you no ill will.

  • [-]
  • missilla
  • 13 Points
  • 00:42:27, 29 March

Good grief, it wasn't the fact that the relationship was open that bothered her. It was the fact that she DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT! You sound unnecessarily defensive/offended and you missed the main issue entirely.

  • [-]
  • vittyyluvscookies
  • -14 Points
  • 19:55:24, 28 March

I am so sorry for the pain you endured during your relationships, but may I say- that is the cutest story ever!

I squealed to tell the truth, ans I hope one day I'll have something that has the semblance of what you have right now.

  • [-]
  • Crankylosaurus
  • 9 Points
  • 20:40:05, 28 March

Cute? No offense, but did we read the same story? OP's "dream guy" doesn't like much of catch either IMO.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • -4 Points
  • 21:01:38, 28 March

Yikes, judgy much?

  • [-]
  • PancakesInThePM
  • 4 Points
  • 01:35:50, 29 March

I don't think anyone is being judgy. A guy not telling me he had a gf is pretty much a dealbreaker, and I'm sure there's plenty of people who feel the same.

  • [-]
  • Icreatedthisforyou
  • 7 Points
  • 20:43:13, 28 March

I sincerely hope you NEVER have any semblance of this. I sincerely hope for her sake guy number one has gone through some significant personal growth, because no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone like what she described.

This is not beautiful it is not cute, it is sad. It was a relationship built on manipulation and emotional abuse. He fucked up multiple times and she was the one crawling back to him, she was the one that had to apologize.

Where he fucked up:

  • He lied about still being in a relationship with someone else.

  • He told her by bailing on Valentines day.

  • He got pissed for her moving on (she was unknowningly in an "open" relationship, and by open he meant he gets to stick his dick where he pleases, but she only gets to see him).

  • He spites her for moving on, by sleeping around and continuing to turn her down (sticking his dick in other places was what started this whole fiasco).

  • He only accepts her back when she went crawling back and apologize. He was the one that fucked up, why is she doing the apologizing. The only mistake she made was an even poorer choice in partners when they were not even in a relationship.

So we have a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and emotional abuser. What wonderful characteristics of a supposed good guy. He only seems good because the other guy was an even bigger pile of shit. Edit: And based on limited information I am not even sure that guy number 2 was actually the bigger pile of shit, it sounds like he made a poor decisions in a prior relationship, none of her complaints are actually about guy number 2 they are about his ex.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 4 Points
  • 21:06:35, 28 March

I really hope you are not as judgmental in your own personal relationships. I've made that mistake before. Just to clarify some things...

  • He never lied. It was an actual open relationship - she was sleeping around as well.
  • Bailing on V-day isn't a big deal in college when you've only been seeing each other for a few weeks
  • He had every right to be pissed - he was in love with me! haha
  • Can't blame him here. I was sleeping around too and I doubt he really did it in spite. I left a comment above noting that that's just how I felt.
  • Can't really figure out what to respond to here, as it feels very insulting. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship and I'm a little confused as to why you took the time to dissect my story so much.
  • [-]
  • Icreatedthisforyou
  • 3 Points
  • 21:22:57, 28 March

I took the time to dissect your post out of concern, as several other people also noted, based on what you wrote there were red flags everywhere. We all know you gave us the super abbreviated version but that combined with the way it was written was concerning.

  • [-]
  • tartcouplet
  • 3 Points
  • 21:50:32, 28 March

Definitely. Although I feel like a lot of otherwise healthy relationships can easily have a toxic-sounding tl;dr. At least, mine certainly does! That's why when I tell any story about my relationship, especially one involving conflict, I'm really careful about how I phrase things. When you don't know the person post-mistake or bad decision, you can't understand how they've learned from it, or how it fits into the context of their personality as a whole.

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • 3 Points
  • 21:31:08, 28 March

Okay, I appreciate your concern but I ended my post with the fact that we're happy together. I didn't post on here because I need saving.

Not everyone's journey to a relationship is pretty, and it looks different for each and every couple. I included all the red flags so people could understand that not everyone is perfect, and it was written in such haste because I'm at work.

  • [-]
  • yawrn
  • 2 Points
  • 11:38:39, 29 March

So just to clarify, because I still wasn't sure based on your response to /u/Icreatedthisforyou (you mentioned the OTHER girl knew it was an open relationship) but it seems like you are suggesting that YOU DIDN'T know about the gf he had on the side until Valentine's Day. that still seems like a serious omission on his part...

  • [-]
  • thecarpetmatches
  • -1 Points
  • 20:55:32, 28 March

Thank you! We do get the "cutest couple" comment a lot. We share a brain sometimes. :) I hope your relationship is as beautiful as you are, Internet stranger!

  • [-]
  • annefranksgasmask
  • 7 Points
  • 04:03:27, 29 March

I really disagree with the idea of right and wrong. You can be happy with a thousand people in the world if you just put the effort in. It was really toxic to me to think about missing out on my "one" when I was breaking up with my first boyfriend of 5 years. Different people complement you in different ways. How you think of the relationship is all on you, and if you assign one person from your past the role of "the one" you're going to be miserable.

  • [-]
  • olov244
  • 3 Points
  • 12:35:14, 29 March

that's why it's in quotation marks. but it seems most people got the idea, leaving someone that was good for you for someone that wasn't

  • [-]
  • watermelonoma
  • 7 Points
  • 20:18:13, 28 March

I left a man with all right things going on (good job, stable, kind, smart, funny, my parents liked him) for a bad boy. For one reason only: sex. I feel like a fool now. I was young and hadn't pulled my head out if my ass. I regret it sometimes, but now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who also gets my gears moving. :)

  • [-]
  • MoonlightGroove
  • 7 Points
  • 05:10:15, 29 March

If you even have the smallest thoughts that this potential new partner is the "wrong" guy DON'T DO IT! Those red flags are up for a reason. Don't ignore what you probably already know to be true.

And, as for the possible "right" guy...you will reap what you sow. If you want more love, give more love. If you want better sex, become a better lover. If you want more understanding, seek to better understand him. Even the best relationships take work and oftentimes people look to their partners for solutions to unhappiness while missing the fact that it is within their own power to better a situation and let the positives effect the relationship as a whole and themselves individually.

  • [-]
  • gottaget
  • 4 Points
  • 21:23:28, 28 March

Twice, "officially". Left a long term relationship that wasn't working to sleep with some random guy I met online. Then again, years later, left another long term relationship that wasn't working to go back to sleeping with my ex.

In both cases "wasn't working" meant emotionally on my part, I just fell out of love or whathaveyou, and left the relationships with stable men with good jobs/homes to sleep with more interesting and poor men.

The last one in particular was an ex I dated three different times, and now we just need to stay far far away from each other.

  • [-]
  • queen_crow
  • 4 Points
  • 02:15:48, 29 March

sorry for the length

When I was 15 I met Chris* - this kid who seemed so self-confident and charming and ~wise beyond her years~ or whatever bullshit 15-year-olds see in other teenagers they found on MySpace. She was immediately at 100% commitment and expected the same of me, like talking about marriage (??) and kids and other future plans as soon as we'd hung out a few times and talked on the phone. I had recently come out to my parents, and they hated Chris - which made me like her more, and made me hate them because I saw it as them rejecting my sexuality.

Really, they saw this incredibly toxic person hurting their daughter. She was emotionally unstable, had recently been in a psych hospital for attempted suicide, was a compulsive liar who claimed to have all manner of incurable illnesses, and she treated me like absolute trash. This went on for almost a year, her controlling my every move from one side while my parents controlled me from the other side so I was constantly being pulled in two directions. I developed an eating disorder. I alienated myself from all of my friends. I was in trouble with my parents constantly for sneaking around to spend time with Chris. I was sexually assaulted by her, I would stay over and wake up to her covered in blood from self-harming or scribbling absolutely mad things all over the walls and staring at me with these dead awful eyes. She was terrifying. I was a wreck but I thought we were ~in love~ because no one is really that smart or stable at 15. And then I finally broke it off with her, which brought another wave of crazy... but then that subsided and I felt normal again.

And that's when I met Evan. He's the "right" person in this story, even though I don't think he was my soul mate or anything like that - just clearly the better choice here. He was, and is, one of the nicest people I'd ever met; he was awkward and not cool or popular, he made a lot of puns, and he played D&D a lot. At first I thought I was out of his league, like he was beneath me after being with someone everyone thought was hot shit (because everyone didn't have to deal with her being bat shit insane). Plus, I thought I was gay and Evan is a dude so I struggles with that a bit. Anyway, the point is that we dated, it turned out that I was bisexual, and he made me really happy. My family loved him, his family loved me, we were just really content and good for each other. Yay!

And then Chris reappeared. And she looooved me and she said shit like "but we were going to be married, you're my soulmate," blah blah blah. And it was a load of shit because she was and is a horrible toxic bully - and Evan was so nice and I was so happy! But, guess what, 17-year-old me wasn't that smart either. I cheated on Evan. I lied to him. I got in more trouble with my parents when they found out that not only was I seeing Chris again but I was hurting this completely genuine guy who clearly had real feelings for me and made me happy. So I did what any reasonable person would do and broke up with Evan to be with Chris. Who then left me on the side of the road, hit me, continued to assault me regularly, cut me off from all other people, cheated on me, etc.

And who was always there when I was stranded and needed a place to go? Evan. Who was there when I was crying and scared and hurt? Evan. Who still came over, covered for me with my parents so they wouldn't know I was seeing Chris, literally did everything possible for me? Evan. And I never went back to him, because he wasn't her.

Eventually I moved to my dad's house several states away, for a variety of reasons but all really caused by the situation with Chris. I cut off communication with her, save for one unfortunate incident in which my "best friend" stranded me at her house and I spent hours locked in a bathroom crying and begging to be taken home... but I did get away, and now I rarely think of her.

But I think a lot about Evan and how fucked up every thing I did was. I took the nicest person for granted, and I hurt him over and over and over. I took advantage of his feelings for me over and over. And you know what? He's still been there for me every time I've needed him. He's one of my only friends from high school that I keep in touch with. I apologized to him once soon after my move, and we had a good cry about the whole thing; when I asked him if he could forgive me he looked at me like I was crazy, because he wasn't angry with me. But yeah, he's been my friend through other shitty breakups, issues with my family, etc. He congratulated me on my marriage, came to my baby shower, and we hang out whenever I'm in town visiting family.

I'm married now to the best dude ever, and I don't really regret what happened because I love where I am... but damn I want to kick my teenaged self's ass for being so fucking stupid and selfish and just MEAN.

  • [-]
  • Moonlitnight
  • 7 Points
  • 19:53:45, 28 March

I left my husband for someone else. We were already separated and trying to work it out. It didn't work out with the other guy but I didn't want my ex back either. I had finally understood the need to just be alone. All 3 of us are now now very happily married to other people abd I don't think any of us regret our decisions.

  • [-]
  • dream6601
  • 6 Points
  • 21:28:32, 28 March

I've never left anyone FOR anyone else, never had anyone else in mind when a relationship ended, but I can say I left the wrong girl, and then also wound up with the wrong girl.

  • [-]
  • changeneverhappens
  • 3 Points
  • 22:11:17, 28 March

I didn't get with the right guy, and after five years of off and on again games, he isn't the right guy anymore. he's just an asshole I couldn't stop asking myself " what if?" about. I recently forced him to give me closure and while we aren't on bad terms, I'm glad that I'm finally able to move on.

  • [-]
  • wait_for_ze_cream
  • 3 Points
  • 00:16:56, 29 March

Everybody in this thread will identify with Anne Elliot from Jane Austen's book Persuasion. It's like all our fantasies made into a lovely story

  • [-]
  • Absrtract
  • 2 Points
  • 03:30:18, 29 March

TLDR: I got bored ,stopped caring and communicating etc. left a girl that loved me. even with all the things messed up things I did to her, for a meth addict . Did not end well for me. my relationship with the addict didn't last long.But it's the decision I made so I have to live with.

  • [-]
  • DanceWithPandas
  • 3 Points
  • 04:19:36, 29 March

Rarely but this does happen: I get caught up in the fantasy of what it would be like being with a person but I remember that my boyfriend loved me when I was really fat, before I lost the weight and he's been supportive of me losing weight, exercising, getting a new job, etc.

The fantasy is there but the reality could never be as good as what it really is. I'll stick with looking and not touching. He's the right one to all those wrong ones.

  • [-]
  • saxybandgeek1
  • 2 Points
  • 05:42:38, 29 March

I read the first comment and now I'm upset. Time for some /r/aww

  • [-]
  • boots1919
  • 2 Points
  • 20:57:29, 28 March

Back in high school, I cheated on the right guy with the wrong guy. It was just a kiss, but all the same cheating. Broke up with the right guy, and dated the wrong guy for about two weeks when he broke up with me for another girl. I thought that wrong guy was the the right one, since I had known him since we were kids, so I thought that that was my one and only chance to be with him. Turns out, he was way wrong for me. It also turned out that the right guy was the one for me all along. Even five years together later, I'm so greatful that I have Mr. Right.

  • [-]
  • quote88
  • 2 Points
  • 19:42:43, 28 March

She left me for the "wrong" guy.

  • [-]
  • Crankylosaurus
  • 12 Points
  • 20:40:34, 28 March

Sure buddy.

  • [-]
  • face_phuck
  • 10 Points
  • 20:52:10, 28 March

rekt

  • [-]
  • quote88
  • 1 Points
  • 00:41:11, 29 March

supposed to be melodramatic

  • [-]
  • wait_for_ze_cream
  • 2 Points
  • 00:04:49, 29 March

I almost definitely have, and I mull it over far too often. I've dated since, but basically been single for a long time after I left the "right" guy. [As an aside, if anyone has any tips for forgetting somebody, just releasing them from your mind, I would be eternally grateful. I don't really know what to do about it after all this time and it isn't helping me that I think about him often].

The context was that I was in college in the UK (which is age 16-18). Started going out with a guy from my group of friends who was lovely, hilarious and kind, and basically the first guy who had liked me over my much more confident friends. I was so shocked at the time that it was me he'd fancied. When I think back on it now I can't believe how insecure I was that I found it unimaginable somebody might like me more than my friends, but I suppose it shows I've come a long way since then. I kind of went out with him feeling extremely grateful that somebody had seen something special in me, so our compatibility was not on my mind.

College boy was great, and I still have lots of respect for him, but he was never "the one". During a time when I was thinking that maybe this relationship shouldn't be maintained at university (8 months in, after we'd broken up once already), I met a new guy on a college trip. Got chatting to him on the coach. I can't say whether I see it with rose tinted glasses now, or if it was a one-sided feeling, but oh my god the spark felt incredible with him. I had never felt chemistry like that before. I ended things with college boyfriend quite soon after meeting new guy (for a variety of reasons), and started seeing new guy very quickly afterwards, in a sort of tentative, inexperienced-teenager way.

Things became complicated when half of the group of friends I had previously loved started to turn against me (ignoring me and cutting me out of conversations on a daily basis, was told that everybody hated me), basically because I had hurt college guy's feelings. I found this really difficult to deal with at the time (I used to tell myself, as a quiet, fairly unpopular kid at school "well if you're not popular, at least you're a nice person". Apparently not any more). Essentially I ended things with new guy because I couldn't deal with the fallout of breaking up with college guy, while also finding my way with love and dating him. Stupid insecurities have often been my downfall.

As summer came along, new guy and I got back in touch, but this coincided with me finding out old boyfriend had some feelings for me again. I suppose that after all the drama of being hated, I enjoyed being like by the old guy again. It's at this point that I should have said "fuck it, college boy, we clearly aren't meant to be", and ignored the excitement, the immediate opportunity of fun with him. Instead I hurt new guy by playing him along a little, and then dropping communication with him.

I have never felt the chemistry I felt with new guy since I met him. I can't even explain it. The day I met him, I came home and my mum said "has something happened to you? You seem so happy". The feeling of meeting someone I clicked with that well kind of glowed off my face. I remember that I couldn't stop smiling, or draw my eyes away when I saw him in college. He is one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, and was passionate about the same things as me, loved talking about politic-y stuff, was confident and had a good heart.

I've been to and graduated university since then, no luck. I probably have an elevated perception of him, or maybe nothing will compare to the "high" of first love, and I am expecting too much when I hope to meet a new "right guy". But nevertheless, being an 18 year old when I met him, with little experience of men and love, I didn't realise how precious that incredible spark is with somebody. I feel unlucky that I met someone that great when I was so naive.

We've had a bit of communication here and there, but I don't think I respected him enough at the time, or treated him how he deserved, or gave us a proper chance because I was too distressed about other friends to deal with seeing somebody else. I think he moved on, and he had every right to. I haven't, and I need to.

Sorry for the long, rather undramatic tale. I have really needed to get this off my chest, and the question struck a chord. Should probably have done a throwaway but whatever. Free therapy in /r/AskWomen!

  • [-]
  • comradeda
  • 1 Points
  • 07:18:55, 29 March

Seconded on tips on how to forcibly forget someone.

  • [-]
  • yawrn
  • 2 Points
  • 12:07:19, 29 March

build yourself. I mean all the time. When you're walking to the bus-stop, when you're in your car, when you're at the gym (which also helps in general, being in the gym, because its actual PHYSICAL me-building time) think crazy stories where you are the protagonist, reflect on virtues you would apply to yourself, think about ones you definitely do not possess, dream up ways to make them a part of you. Essentially just fill your brain with thoughts of you. I know it sounds like the height of narcissism, but that's not really it. It's just about orienting yourself back into a self-dependent mental-space... about like, grounding yourself in yourself, instead of the world whipping around you (and the things you might want that are out of your control). its an exercise in possessing yourself.

  • [-]
  • kziv
  • 2 Points
  • 01:18:52, 29 March

When I was 21 or so I was living with my fiance, who was a really nice guy and we got along great. I don't know why I wasn't happy. Then I met the other guy. Interestingly enough, when I first met him at a group event he annoyed me but by the end of the evening I was somehow intrigued by him which led to me cheating with this guy, falling in what I thought was love with him but really was just some weird obsessive thing, and telling my fiance that we had to break up because of what I had done. It wasn't that I thought I'd move on to the other guy, he wasn't interested in anything other than sex, I just felt horrible for lying to my fiance and that he didn't deserve me. The obsession bubble burst after a year or so and now, many years later, I look at the guy and think that I dodged a bullet by him not being interested in dating.

After a couple years my ex-fiance and I reconnected as friends; we're both now happily married to other people but still keep in touch through Facebook. To this day I don't at all understand what it is I saw in the other guy or why I fell so hard for him. I have never felt that strongly before or after about anyone, and am very glad it hasn't ever repeated.

  • [-]
  • Narayume
  • 2 Points
  • 08:30:24, 29 March

One of my best friends had that experience. When she was in her early twenties she got together with S. S was funny, amazing with children and devoted to her. S however was not at all adventurous. He loved her sense of adventure and would happily join in on everything, but he was very much a "salt of the earth" kind of guy. Not artistic, not going to wake up one morning and decide to trek around India and thus too boring and normal for my friend. Twenty years on she is still regretting the decision. Her boyfriends were arty, but mentally unstable. So adventurous they couldn't hold a job down. Genius, but highly abusive. Unsurprisingly she regrets her decision horribly. However he is happily married with kids. She starts meeting him and working her magic. Wife is not impressed. We tell friend to stop being a bitch and leave the poor guy alone. He is like a moth to the flame when it comes to her. In the end she agrees. Still talks about him though. Especially as she has just dumped her latest boyfriend because he was more jealous than a dog watching someone eating cheese and her children window has closed. She says that he was the right guy at the wrong time.

I've also been someone else's "one that got away". Back in school I dated U. He was the best relationship I had had at that at that point. We had chemistry and loved to just do things together. However, for some reason his parents weren't allowed to know about me. Then he dumped me. After a passionate cinema visit without explanation. I was crushed. He broke off all contact and I tried to move on. A year later I find him in a chat room and we start talking. Turns out his mother (from a different culture) had arranged a marriage for him and he panicked. He still didn't know what to do. The girl was everything you could want in a said culture, but he had never really lived there and liked his strong European women. We became FWBs (not my finest moment, I know) and it was like our bodies and minds had remembered each other. It instantly clicked. However his bride-to-be still came to visit sometimes (poor thing) and he still dated others. It was a complete mess. After initial pangs I settled quite happily into the FWB thing go - stopping each time he had a partner and starting where we left off after. Retrospectively I realise that I was that ex, the one that breaks the relationship with her mere presence, but at the time I thought he has dumped me, so he would obviously not want to be with me.

Anyway, I finish school and am about to move to a different country when he says he needs to see me. I thought his gf had dumped him and he needed a shoulder to cry on. Nope, he wishes to tell me that I am the love of his live and he has dumped gf for me. He has also told his mum that the wedding wasn't going to happen and he would find someone the Western Way. I am furious. For the last two and a half years I would have been ecstatic to hear that, but now I am about to spread my wings and low and behold he appears with a large pair of proverbial clippers. Plus over the last 6 months I had finally gotten over him. So I said no. Angry words were exchanged followed by angry e-mails. He called me once a month after my move until I got fed up and changed my phone number and e-mail account. I sometimes hear about him through old friends. Apparently he is still talking about me ten years later. I am happily taken though and completely got away. I really hope he manages to move on one of these days.

  • [-]
  • DarthMelonLord
  • 1 Points
  • 11:31:41, 29 March

I very, very narrowly dodged doing this. I started dating my current boyfriend a few months before I turned 17, and we had a really, really good thing going. He had is flaws, like everyone, but a few of them became more prominent as the relationship went on (emotional coldness and even though he did his best to hide it he got really jellous) and that coupled with the thought that I was too young to settle down with one guy made me break up with him. I didn't want to talk about the problems we had, I just ran away because it felt like the easiest thing to do.

It was not. I quickly realized that there was no one out there that could compare to him, and about a month into the breakup he sent me a message and wanted to try again, but for some stupid reason I turned him down (mostly because I was certain he'd always hold this against me). we then met at a party about a week later. We were both a lot more drunk than we should've been, we started arguing, he dragged me to another room so we wouldn't be making a scene, we argued a bit more and then somehow it turned into really, really angry sex. After we finished I decided to go home with him and the morning after when we'd sobered up we actually talked about our relationship and what we felt was wrong and needed to change for it to work out.

He genuinely hadn't realized I felt like he didn't care about me, he's just not the sort of guy who talks a lot about his feelings towards those he loves. He started telling me more often that he loved me and that I mattered to him, giving me hugs and kisses for no reason and he's even started buying me flowers regularly, which I think is really sweet. The jealousy isn't completely gone but he's working really hard on it which I think is really admirable.

We're still together now, our two year "anniversary" is coming up in just 11 days actually :)

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:07, 29 March

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • StabbyStabStab
  • 1 Points
  • 15:12:11, 29 March

This post has been removed because /r/AskWomen doesn't permit the use of gendered slurs. Please edit, let me know, and I'll reapprove.

  • [-]
  • Wlcome2enemyturf
  • 2 Points
  • 00:52:24, 29 March

Ha ha ha. Sorry I have bipolar 1. I've left so many people under this pretense during mania. =(

  • [-]
  • comradeda
  • 1 Points
  • 07:12:51, 29 March

If you're aware of the illness, is it less difficult to maintain control or stability?

  • [-]
  • Wlcome2enemyturf
  • 2 Points
  • 08:07:15, 29 March

Yes to the control no to the stability so far. I don't go out and do crazy shit when I'm manic anymore, but I'm still pretty irritable and paranoid.

  • [-]
  • comradeda
  • 1 Points
  • 08:12:28, 29 March

Good luck with your issues.

  • [-]
  • Jake0024
  • -1 Points
  • 21:36:54, 28 March

I've left girls for choices that were a worse fit, for sure--but in one instance, I'd been dating the girl for over 5 years and realized if I wasn't ready to get more committed (move in together, etc) and I was interested in other girls, it probably wasn't that great of a match--or I'd found a match far too early and wasn't ready for it.

In hindsight, the girl I moved on to was a terrible match by comparison, but I changed and grew a lot in the months and years to follow.

I've since found a much better match, though due to career-related circumstances we no longer live in the same state and I haven't seen her in over a year (we dated only about six months before I got the job offer--our long distance attempt lasted about a year after that but ended badly).

She's visiting next week. Wish me luck.

  • [-]
  • robertmapplethorpes
  • 1 Points
  • 20:14:17, 28 March

Yeah, I dated someone for a while (we'd been talking online for years and had met in person and decided to start a sort-of relationship but it was still long-distance) and then broke up with that person when I met someone who lived in the same city I did. The latter person really sort of destroyed me emotionally; cheated dozens of times and lied and betrayed my trust like it was second nature. The first person and I are thankfully once again on good terms (we weren't for a little while) and they are still as kind and supportive as they have always been. I'm not sure I would try again but I've always felt that I made the 'wrong' choice.

  • [-]
  • ohituna
  • 0 Points
  • 01:47:05, 29 March

I left (more or less) the right girl---who is my current girlfriend for the past 3 years---for the wrong girl. The situation is a little more complicated and I didn't exactly leave for that reason but I broke up with my current girl a few months in thinking we we'rent right for each other. Got back together with her and basically told the wrong girl that i'd leave the right girl for her in a minute (ouch). Basically at the time, my mind was in a messed up place and I had convinced myself that the wrong girl was perfect for me; we were friends in high school and kept touch online and I kind of built her up in my mind to be someone she wasn't. Even after when we'd meet up in person there was zero physical/social chemistry, alot of akward silence. Fortunatly, right girl forgave me and gave me another chance and I can honestly say I have had a much better life since thanks to her. Another thing, I thought wrong girl and I were much more similar and right girl was too different from me to be compatible (which is why I broke up the first time, thinking we wouldn't last). She is very different from myself but interestingly enough we never fight, haven't came close to splitting in the 3 years since.