My wife thinks I do nothing all day (self.sysadmin)

{sysadmin}

299 ups - 80 downs = 219 votes

My wife and I have three kids and I'm the only one who works. She stays home with our youngest who isn't in school yet. I make really good money but its still tight because I'm the only one who works.

I am the senior administrator at a company that does I.T. infrastructure for dental offices all around the U.S. On a daily basis, I manage Windows and Linux based servers, engineer new installs, troubleshoot T3 issues, and do anything else that needs to be done. My boss calls me the smoke jumper because my job is to put out the big fires and proactively prevent them. I come home exhausted and stressed almost every day after working at least 10 hours. But I love what I do (most days) and wouldn't trade it for anything.

However, she thinks because I sit at my desk in my office 90% of day, I don't work hard and could be making a lot more money doing something physical. (Think oil field)

Anyone else have similar issues with people not understanding how hard we actually work just because we sit at desks most of the day? How can I explain it in terms she'll understand?

</rant>

Edit: Wow, this blew up... Sorry I turned /r/sysadmin into /r/relationshipadvice. Reading through all the comments and replying now.

Edit2: To clarify, she doesn't mention physical jobs for the looks, the oil field is just physical and people around here are making a ton of money.

Edit3: More backstory: We live in WY (Super low cost of living). The recent oil boom nearby has gotten a lot of her friends' husbands jobs that make a lot of money, but they're gone all the time. I met her five years ago. When we met, she was a single mother with two kids living in government housing on food stamps with no job. I am not judgmental and I know everyone falls on hard times. I liked her, she liked me, we dated. Eventually we got a place together and had a kid together and then got married. Since I met her, she's never had a job. I'm okay with this as long as she takes good care of the kids and keeps the house clean, which she does. I am lazy and work a lot of overtime without warning so I don't help around the house as much as I should. I do cook dinner every night that I'm home and I spend time with the kids and then put them to bed. But I don't clean up after myself and I am messy. We live paycheck to paycheck and don't have extra money for things. She is very materialistic and wants more money for things. She doesn't care about me physically working. She just thinks I'm lazy and that's why I don't want to work physically in the oil fields making more money.

269 comments submitted at 07:20:22 on Apr 5, 2014 by aenigma

  • [-]
  • stemid85
  • 113 Points
  • 08:29:04, 5 April

I can usually point to specific things like "this entire region of Sweden would not get its e-mail if it wasn't for me today". So I don't have this problem.

  • [-]
  • Talman
  • 141 Points
  • 11:49:26, 5 April

I have a feeling she doesn't give a shit, she just wants "her man" being one of those big, strong, and never around oil field guys who lives on a rig and sends a check home so wifey can spend it.

  • [-]
  • fluffman86
  • 115 Points
  • 11:57:09, 5 April

Bingo. The cheating army wife.

  • [-]
  • Fyzzle
  • 54 Points
  • 14:10:02, 5 April

Dependapotamus.

  • [-]
  • the_skys_kid
  • 37 Points
  • 14:50:59, 5 April

North Carolina Trailer Sloth

  • [-]
  • magusopus
  • 3 Points
  • 16:08:04, 5 April

And the not as well known "Dependoppatamus". (coined by Terminal Lance)

  • [-]
  • ruptured_pomposity
  • 15 Points
  • 15:04:32, 5 April

I'd really hope that is not the case, as if it is the case, it is an extremely unsubtle message. High payed IT is in the same pay range or higher.

http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2013/04/25/boomtown-oil-jobs/

And you come home every night, and don't have to retrain, and are in minimal physical danger.

She is saying something else. Maybe the time to set some security camera up around the house, and a gps on the car... just in case.

  • [-]
  • nphekt
  • 3 Points
  • 14:21:08, 5 April

Spend some time with Jody, maybe.

  • [-]
  • sbinjodie
  • 5 Points
  • 15:41:01, 5 April

Pffft, leave me out of this.

  • [-]
  • Talman
  • 4 Points
  • 15:56:54, 5 April

I thought mentioning Jody was a bit too far, but yep. Jody is always there for dependapotomuses.

  • [-]
  • joeyxl
  • 9 Points
  • 13:11:16, 5 April

This was happening to my good friend. Lets just say now that hes single, hes changed his prospective on dating multiple women at one...

  • [-]
  • hoppi_
  • 11 Points
  • 09:26:24, 5 April

That is very cool.

  • [-]
  • nerga
  • 12 Points
  • 12:32:30, 5 April

Hmmm Kill stemid85.... then destroy Sweden. They would be crippled without their email.

  • [-]
  • 1or2
  • 11 Points
  • 13:49:39, 5 April

You fool! You have unveiled our plan.

It is too late, we have to move now.

Heie Norge! Heie Norge!

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 6 Points
  • 15:58:49, 5 April

My critical issues are things like a dentist not being able to access his xrays or a server went down and the office can't schedule appointments. She sees this as non-important because its "just a dentist's office"

  • [-]
  • stemid85
  • 34 Points
  • 16:03:20, 5 April

She's not being respectful at all to you. I'm not going to tell you how to manage your relationship but this is not a sysadmin issue, it's a personal relationship issue.

  • [-]
  • wordplaya101
  • 4 Points
  • 17:37:56, 5 April

That being said, it still has relevance here because as individuals who do "Computer Majicks" all day we can understand and empathize about people who don't "get it"

  • [-]
  • MonsieurOblong
  • 6 Points
  • 16:57:54, 5 April

I have nothing positive to say about this kind of person. You're getting walked all over. She sounds like a terrible, terrible human being.

  • [-]
  • jackmusick
  • 4 Points
  • 17:50:26, 5 April

No offense, I would pull the "you stay at home all day" card. She clearly doesn't have a grasp on reality.

  • [-]
  • thecatgoesmoo
  • 2 Points
  • 16:50:30, 5 April

Have an elitest (and mostly untrue) attitude gives sysadmins a bad name, in my opinion.

  • [-]
  • Riddla26
  • 75 Points
  • 08:52:28, 5 April

Try and put it like this - Someone who works an oil field may come home physically exhausted, but when you look at a programmer, or a chess grandmaster, or a designer, engineer, architect or a million other professions or hobbies, their bodies are fine, it's their minds that are exhausted and they both sleep just as soundly at night.

You don't have to run a mile to put a miles worth of effort into something.

  • [-]
  • haterandhypocrite
  • 29 Points
  • 14:44:42, 5 April

Doesn't matter. She wants a man who appears strong and masculine. It's more attractive.

This is all about her.

  • [-]
  • IWentOutside
  • 36 Points
  • 15:15:10, 5 April

Note to self: get an awesome dog instead of a wife.

  • [-]
  • haterandhypocrite
  • 10 Points
  • 15:38:34, 5 April

Damn good policy.

  • [-]
  • dalik
  • 57 Points
  • 07:41:28, 5 April

Similar situation but no kids. I was a SA as well, was told I didn't have a real job. I didn't get any support from her either. Needless to say we're no longer together. I supported 75pc of our expenses which included our home. She was happy with that but I wasn't a man with a man's job.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 36 Points
  • 07:46:28, 5 April

That's exactly how she feels. Sucks man, sorry you had to go through that. They'll be sorry when computers take over the world and we're the only ones left to fix it.

  • [-]
  • haterandhypocrite
  • 34 Points
  • 14:52:01, 5 April

She wants you to be what she perceives as an attractive, masculine man. If she felt more financially secure, she wouldn't mind as much that you're not a roughneck, or whatever. She wants you to either be attractive and manly, or what she sees as a better provider, or both.

If you change for her, she will resent you for being weak. If you give her what she wants, she will hate it and want more. Do not change your job. Do not change yourself.

This is all about her. When she says something is for the kids, it's still about her. To a woman, her kids are often an extension of her own ego.

You need to be in charge of her and of your house. She need to respect you as provider and head of the house. If she can not do that, she is not a good wife.

  • [-]
  • mikemol
  • 7 Points
  • 13:53:20, 5 April

Try counseling. And /r/daddit.

  • [-]
  • bobsomeguy
  • 8 Points
  • 10:07:09, 5 April

This is one of my top reasons for staying single, sometimes you just don't get to really know someone until after the marriage.

The way I've seen it go with couples that have gone from living together to getting married is that sometimes the woman expects some intangible "things" to be quite different after the wedding, but at the end of the day, they are both still the same people, so how is that likely or even possible?

  • [-]
  • ImmodestCodpiece
  • 55 Points
  • 10:09:09, 5 April

"You play around on computers all day. You LOVE computers, so it's not like you actually have to do something HARD." I hear some version of this every three months or so and it drives me insane.

  • [-]
  • I_READ_YOUR_EMAILS
  • 63 Points
  • 11:24:49, 5 April

I don't love computers, I hate the bastards! They're always plotting, trying to catch you out.

Don't even get me started on what printers are up to...

  • [-]
  • nerga
  • 16 Points
  • 12:35:20, 5 April

If I don't stop them, no one will. I put my life on the line for the good of man.

  • [-]
  • deadmilk
  • 12 Points
  • 14:17:31, 5 April

I was having a good day until you mentioned printers.

Now the swearing begins again...

  • [-]
  • kevrom
  • 11 Points
  • 14:43:05, 5 April

Come on man, it's Saturday. Why would you mention printers right now? Are you trying to ruin my day?

  • [-]
  • amazingsammy
  • 19 Points
  • 12:53:26, 5 April

> I don't love computers, I hate the bastards! They're always plotting, trying to catch you out. > Don't even get me started on what printers are up to...

That's the best comment I've seen all week.

  • [-]
  • almostamishmafia
  • 20 Points
  • 11:51:34, 5 April

I love computers...sadly most of the job is dealing with the users, and I'm a terrible therapist.

  • [-]
  • jmp242
  • 5 Points
  • 15:45:29, 5 April

I've suggested we need a stash of cookies so we can say "I'm sorry you feel that way, here have a cookie" to users as we shoo them out.

  • [-]
  • Pas__
  • 3 Points
  • 16:35:20, 5 April

> You LOVE computers, so it's not like you actually have to do something HARD.

Hah, what if someone loves no-safety rock-climbing, that's hard as fuck and if someone would have to do that every day for money, that'd still be hard (because even the tiniest mistake means you die, no appeals) .. oh, like firefighters, industrial scuba divers, car racers, and so on.

I love computers, I work with them, but I don't necessarily love all the 8 hours of the work I do on something I love. (Ah, a perfect car analogy, you love driving, so why just sit in traffic jams all day is nothing for you.)

I hate people who don't have the embers of curiosity and respect for the complexity of human interactions (with each other and with our surroundings), those are the people who are happily yammering about how hard it is for them to stand around all day hostessing but fuck the people at the shop (or the IT guy) for not rushing when she/he needs something or has a question.

  • [-]
  • xresu
  • 165 Points
  • 08:20:02, 5 April

Schedule a take your wife to work day. If she's not interested then she should be truncated from your dining table.

  • [-]
  • kiasyn
  • 90 Points
  • 09:38:14, 5 April

Yay a SQL reference

  • [-]
  • Diablo-D3
  • 21 Points
  • 11:16:02, 5 April

I have to admit, I chuckled.

  • [-]
  • DefiniteMethAddict
  • 16 Points
  • 11:52:07, 5 April

I did that thing, y'know, that reddit people do. Snarfled?

  • [-]
  • the_diddler
  • 13 Points
  • 12:58:09, 5 April

Exhaled loudly?

  • [-]
  • DefiniteMethAddict
  • 11 Points
  • 13:47:57, 5 April

Through the nose, yes.

  • [-]
  • ZeroCool2u
  • 7 Points
  • 14:55:36, 5 April

I can't snarfle, it interferes with uptime.

  • [-]
  • wordplaya101
  • 2 Points
  • 17:36:19, 5 April

I prefer to DROP tables (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)

  • [-]
  • PleaseRespectTables
  • 1 Points
  • 17:36:34, 5 April

┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)

  • [-]
  • Frettchen7
  • 2 Points
  • 17:45:06, 5 April

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

  • [-]
  • PleaseRespectTables
  • 1 Points
  • 17:45:52, 5 April

┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)

  • [-]
  • crabber338
  • 24 Points
  • 12:49:46, 5 April

There are a lot of fish to SELECT out there.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 6 Points
  • 15:57:31, 5 April

I literally laughed out loud at this. I do a lot of SQL work so you just brightened my day.

  • [-]
  • 10gistic
  • 10 Points
  • 13:46:11, 5 April

Just don't try it in production first. Cuz I'm pretty sure this drops you from the dining table as well. Perhaps delete where respect < 1. As long as you have some self respect.

  • [-]
  • 121mhz
  • 2 Points
  • 14:28:29, 5 April

And do what with the kids and household?

  • [-]
  • egamma
  • 5 Points
  • 15:27:48, 5 April

She can find a daycare for one day.

  • [-]
  • 121mhz
  • 2 Points
  • 17:52:01, 5 April

Really? You've done that? Last time I checked there weren't many daycares that would take a kid for just a day and didn't require tons of forms and proof of inoculations. Besides his wife could be like mine and hate leaving the kids with anyone else.

  • [-]
  • telemecanique
  • 39 Points
  • 11:53:41, 5 April

3 kids on one income is rare, she needs a dose of reality.

  • [-]
  • Brisil
  • 13 Points
  • 13:44:09, 5 April

Eapecially in this economy. I have NO idea how they manage to do that shit

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 15 Points
  • 16:10:01, 5 April

We're always broke. I mean, we make it, but barely. I don't mind that she stays home at all. I know its hard work taking care of three kids and cleaning the house every day. And I appreciate the fact that the kids don't have to have some stranger raising them while both parents work.

  • [-]
  • dalik
  • 8 Points
  • 17:02:09, 5 April

You seem like a good man, I hope it works out for you and the kids.

  • [-]
  • sketchtastic
  • 83 Points
  • 09:53:46, 5 April

My husband and I are both sysadmins. We make approximately the same amount of money. When we were first married, he earned a lot more in a very demanding job where he was on call a lot. He now has a job where he is an in-house tech instead of managed services and he is a lot happier. I would rather he be a relaxed, happy man and make less than be stressed out all the time and treated like shit by clients. As a wife, this means that I don't demand renovations to our home, new cars and overseas holidays. I am thankful for our modest life and I plan on working remotely when we start a family. I have a deep appreciation for what my husband does because we are in the same field. He is a super hero in my eyes and is very good at his job. I'm sorry your wife is treating you like she is. Some people have suggested that you have married the wrong person. I don't think that's necessary the case but she needs an attitude adjustment. Perhaps counselling can help you both. If my husband treated me like that I would bring home my daily task list and show him all the stuff I did that day. He would understand pretty quickly that I work hard.

  • [-]
  • ajdane
  • 18 Points
  • 11:45:55, 5 April

Sounds like you are both lucky to have eachother :).

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 10 Points
  • 16:07:07, 5 April

I already have to drive 45 minutes each way to get back and forth to work. the IT market here is terrible. I'm lucky to have the job I do. However, I do look every day for better opportunities. I am basically the same boat. MSP, on-call all the time, crazy overtime with no warning, etc

I am working on finding a good counselor for us. I think this will be the best option.

  • [-]
  • tiddlyfuckshit
  • 3 Points
  • 16:45:30, 5 April

Well, you do live in WV, bub. That place is like the IT dark ages.

  • [-]
  • MonsieurOblong
  • 1 Points
  • 16:59:25, 5 April

Counseling is DEFINITELY a good idea.

  • [-]
  • nibbles200
  • 9 Points
  • 14:45:15, 5 April

internet high five People forget being married doesn't mean you spend your life trying to make each other miserable. It's about being best friends forever and doing your best to help and love each other.

  • [-]
  • cloudmech
  • 3 Points
  • 15:54:58, 5 April

Just moved from managed services to in house. So true.

  • [-]
  • FartSkin
  • 4 Points
  • 14:19:46, 5 April

Yep, you're a keeper.

  • [-]
  • da_chicken
  • 31 Points
  • 10:21:10, 5 April

She's comparing a desk job to roughnecking? Is she aware just how long the average roughneck lasts on the job? Or how dangerous the work is?

There's definitely a problem if telling her "I love what I do (most days) and wouldn't trade it for anything" isn't enough for her. To be honest, what I'd do is call her mom and dad. She needs someone to dispense wisdom, and few people won't accept wisdom and criticism from mom and dad. You'll have to use your best judgement, though, since it will partially depend on what her mom and dad did.

  • [-]
  • doodep
  • 14 Points
  • 13:11:40, 5 April

The answer is obvious, she wants him dead.

  • [-]
  • soawesomejohn
  • 1 Points
  • 15:58:54, 5 April

Life insurance FTW!

  • [-]
  • iruleatants
  • 158 Points
  • 08:59:10, 5 April

Don't post here.

If she truly thinks that you don't work hard enough/don't bring in enough money. There is a huge possibility you married the wrong person (Which with 3 kids, thats a huge downer)

Talk to her in depth, and make sure she understands the work you do, the value you bring to the company, and that you are the sole bringer of income, and 99% of other households only have it easier because of the dual income.

Explain to her a situation where you had (Such as email down) and how no one but yourself could have resolved the issue in the speed that you did, and why the speed saved the company thousands/millions of dollars.

If she blows you off/says that you still don't work hard enough after explaining the difficulty of the job in depth, then you clearly and completely got married to the wrong person. They ONLY concept that prevents people from understanding what we do, is that they don't want to understand. When you tell people about what you do and they say "It stuff? My 12 year old kid is good with computers too" then you know for fucking sure, they don't give a shit.

If you are married to someone, the LEAST you should expect from them is that they care about what you care about, and the MOST you should expect from thatm, is that they understand the troubles you go through. If they lack in EITHER of those categories, its either couples counseling, or divorce.

Seriously. You are already the sole provider for the family. The burden of giving a shit isn't on you. If she can't bare it, you are 100% honestly better off single.

  • [-]
  • dermusikman
  • 72 Points
  • 10:40:11, 5 April

All kinds of this. She is communicating disrespect for you, which runs much deeper (and is much more toxic) than the job. What she says about the job is a symptom of your greater problems. Get into counselling if you value your marriage. Take this from someone divorced.

And move out of Texas.

  • [-]
  • kilkor
  • 6 Points
  • 13:36:15, 5 April

I'm interested in why you say to move out of Texas? I live here and make great money. Housing is cheap as long as you don't tell yourself you have to live within large city limits. The one downer I can think of is that many of our public schools are terrible and our politicians are completely in the pocket of business interests. Those things alone can be worked around and lived with though.

  • [-]
  • mkell43
  • 3 Points
  • 15:02:49, 5 April

I moved to Texas from Illinois. The two downers you mention are just business as usual as far as I'm concerned.

  • [-]
  • robotman321
  • 2 Points
  • 15:23:25, 5 April

yeah Illinois sucks. (25 years experience so far.)

  • [-]
  • cloudmech
  • 2 Points
  • 15:51:33, 5 April

I live in Wisconsin. Can confirm Illinois sucks. Go Piggers!

  • [-]
  • dermusikman
  • 1 Points
  • 15:51:12, 5 April

It's playful prodding from a yankee :-p

And I don't get Texas.

EDIT: excising accidental wiki markup

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 5 Points
  • 15:51:52, 5 April

Wyoming, but its pretty much just north Texas.

  • [-]
  • bdunbar
  • 10 Points
  • 12:42:10, 5 April

Second this. It bears repeating - you don't need advice from your peers, you need marriage counseling.

Because you're both gonna either be miserable for the rest of your lives, or divorced.

Source: I married badly, before I married well.

  • [-]
  • BaCoN_BaD
  • 18 Points
  • 13:37:15, 5 April

I think you're a bit quick to jump on the "Dump the bitch" band wagon.

There are SO many steps to attempt to resolve this first and we don't know the dynamic of their relationship nor do we know both side of any of their issues, we only know the naturally biased side OP gives us.

At either rate the one thing I do agree with what you said is /u/aenigma you two need to seriously talk, what I'm getting from the whole post is you guys are having some communication and expectation issues and need to sort this out.

I have you tried looking at some sort of couples counseling?

It's not as doom and gloom as some people think.

My wife and I were having issues that stemmed from her and I communicating and understand things in different ways and thanks to the counselor we were able to find a way to communicate that helped both of us understand each other better and resolve issue more effectively.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 5 Points
  • 15:54:11, 5 April

I am looking into some counseling places today and will see if she'd be willing to do this.

  • [-]
  • Pas__
  • 1 Points
  • 16:47:18, 5 April

So sad to hear that it's not a confident "yes, I think she will definitely say yes to counseling". Damn, how come people fall in love, marry, have kids and .. drift away so fast, before kids grow up enough to handle the situation. (Maybe it's on our civilizational TODO list to adopt for this human condition.)

  • [-]
  • madplayshd
  • 3 Points
  • 13:51:49, 5 April

The idea that you just somehow marry the right person and then there are no more issues is just not how it works. It takes constant effort to keep a relationship going, and stuff like this sounds more like a symptom to me than an actual issue. Its just a way to show frustration, but where does the frustration actually come from?

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 3 Points
  • 15:56:21, 5 April

I'm going to try and do some counseling before we just break it off.

  • [-]
  • loganbest
  • 7 Points
  • 11:25:17, 5 April

When thinking about the marriage don't think about her. Think about the kids. Divorce is not healthy for the kids at all under any circumstances regardless of custody. Get some counseling as described above and help her understand.

Also try to get your boss's wife involved as a new friend for your wife so she can support what you do because chances are she gets it and women listen to other women faster than men.

  • [-]
  • throwaway111811
  • 16 Points
  • 12:09:13, 5 April

I don't know why you're getting down voted so much. I sometimes wish I hadn't gotten divorced. I'm physically and emotionally in a better place but I would trade that all to see my son every night and know that he's in a safe place. Right now I just don't know and that kills me.

Everyone says that no bad marriage is worth staying in just for the kids. I listened to those people. Those people are just plain fucking wrong.

That being said this isn't something to consider divorce over. All OP needs to do is man up and lay down the law. It will probably bring up an argument but that's bound to happen.

  • [-]
  • ravend13
  • 12 Points
  • 14:35:54, 5 April

It can go both ways. Staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids can fuck the kids up.

  • [-]
  • wildly_curious_1
  • 6 Points
  • 14:33:09, 5 April

The situation in my house when I was growing up was so toxic that I remember praying to God for my parents to divorce. When I was in 5th grade, they did. Then when I was in 7th grade, my mom married someone just about as bad as my dad was. And so I grew up thinking that allowing oneself to be treated like shit was how a marriage worked, and when I got married, I ended up in the exact same marriage.

Took me ten years with him to realize my mistake. And when I left, I left because I realized I was letting myself be treated like shit, and I didn't want to repeat the cycle. I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that that's how a relationship worked.

Best decision I ever made. I spent time in therapy unlearning most of those patterns, and now I'm in an amazing relationship where we communicate without anger or assuming negative intent, and I honestly never thought a relationship could be this good.

Leaving was the best decision I ever made. Never stay together for the kids unless you want the same relationship for them, because that's what you're modeling and they're learning.

  • [-]
  • discdigger
  • 8 Points
  • 13:23:03, 5 April

The only thing worse than Divorce is being a role model who allows themselves to be disrepected/treated poorly. You do not want to set an example to them that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 2 Points
  • 15:55:38, 5 April

The only reason I've made it the last two years is the kids. I am looking for a good counselor today.

  • [-]
  • Fulcro
  • 15 Points
  • 14:08:13, 5 April

Your wife is an immature moron. Sorry, dude.

  • [-]
  • 7823F6
  • 24 Points
  • 08:30:42, 5 April

Mine used to rag me because I made more than her and I didn't have a degree. After some counseling she's backed off on that attitude, realizing that this is a relationship that requires us to work together vs being some sort of competition. While my job might not be physically demanding, IT can sure as hell be mentally demanding.

I've heard "you sit around and do nothing all day" from more than one person. Little do they realize what my day entails. A friend of mine has the same attitude - "you make twice what I do". Yes, because you have a job that isn't as involved and doesn't require the same skill set as mine (she works in purchasing for a county).

  • [-]
  • Talman
  • 15 Points
  • 11:53:09, 5 April

County level government employee in an administration field? She sits on her ass all day, too!

  • [-]
  • 7823F6
  • 12 Points
  • 12:21:33, 5 April

Yeah, stuck in a cubicle farm. Really lost her shit when I showed her my office, which is a good sized (15x15 or so) room with huge windows and a killer view of the mountains, plus I have a bathroom with a shower/tub. I jokingly said that I will sometimes fill the tub and soak in the hot water while I work.

  • [-]
  • efxhoy
  • 7 Points
  • 12:43:32, 5 April

That sounds like a great office! Do you have any pictures of it? Sounds like /r/roomporn material

  • [-]
  • ohwowgee
  • 2 Points
  • 14:13:05, 5 April

Tell me you're in Colorado.

  • [-]
  • 7823F6
  • 1 Points
  • 15:39:20, 5 April

Nope, right coast.

  • [-]
  • PierceTheProper
  • 3 Points
  • 15:10:12, 5 April

The people who least understand what a job in IT entails are most often the ones who come running expecting free help when their PC "gets a virus"

  • [-]
  • 7823F6
  • 1 Points
  • 15:29:31, 5 April

Exactly. I don't even offer anyone help outside of work. I saw someone at the coffee place today having issues. As much as I wanted to help I just looked the other way.

  • [-]
  • FireReadyAim
  • 3 Points
  • 17:02:20, 5 April

People being bitter about me making a lot more than them with no degree, no formal training, and no physical work just makes me laugh.

I usually fight fire with fire because I'm an asshole and don't mind burning bridges.

"I guess you should have been smart enough to be able to do what I do, then we wouldn't be having this conversation."

I don't even think I'm that smart, but I have no patience for people who think they're better than me and are somehow entitled to more money than I make, yet they can't be bothered to actually earn it.

  • [-]
  • zcold
  • 12 Points
  • 09:03:57, 5 April

Yeah, people always say oh your job must be so easy, but you spend most of the day solving problems which takes so much energy.. Its weird too because it took me a while to realize how I was becoming so tired at the end of the day.

  • [-]
  • xiongchiamiov
  • 4 Points
  • 16:19:07, 5 April

Making decisions is tiring. That's why going shopping for an entire day wears you the fuck out.

  • [-]
  • dalik
  • 2 Points
  • 17:07:32, 5 April

I just tell people, I solve puzzles all day and people depend on me getting it right. Its mentally exhausting.

  • [-]
  • Gilgamesh1082
  • 13 Points
  • 10:54:30, 5 April

Sounds like my ex. I'd put in 8 to 12 hours to her 8, where she did nothing but chat with/fuck coworkers all day. But I didn't do anything, so I was expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. Yeah, totally wasn't stressed out for 2 years straight. New wife thinks I work too hard and goes out of her way to make me happy. Three kids sucks, man. If you leave, she's gonna get the kids and she'll go after maximum child support and alimony, cause that's what they do. So that $3500 a month after taxes is gonna get slashed to $1200 a month if you're lucky.

  • [-]
  • I_READ_YOUR_EMAILS
  • 9 Points
  • 11:25:49, 5 April

Your ex fucked coworkers all day? No wonder she's your ex.

  • [-]
  • deadmilk
  • 2 Points
  • 14:18:55, 5 April

Not if she divorces him. It's her choice then (fuck, does this even hold up in court, or do they get everything anyway?) For the moment she has to just deal with a great husband who pays for everything.

  • [-]
  • MonsieurOblong
  • 1 Points
  • 17:01:36, 5 April

I don't get what drives people to marry negative pains-in-the-ass. Why the hell would anyone sign up for that? I wouldn't spend 4 seconds talking to someone like that at the bar, let along marry them.

  • [-]
  • bobsomeguy
  • 20 Points
  • 09:45:54, 5 April

She doesn't know how good she has it and the bit about the oil industry seems really.....odd, and I'll just leave it at that. I jokingly tell people that I've tried real work, didn't like it, that's why I work with computers. I could probably make more money as a programmer, but I know that I couldn't stand programming 40+ hours per week. Quality of life and job enjoyment is worth a lot more to me than another $10k a year when I already have no problems paying the bills.

The truth is, we work our asses off most of the time. I'm often boggled by how much I know about this stuff and often take for granted the base knowledge that we all end up possessing after those first few years in the field. As much as I have to know to do my job effectively, my entire knowledge base is just a tiny sliver of the entirety of IT.

We are constantly faced with the need to become instant experts, sometimes in an area of IT where we have little to no experience, under deadlines that even the most crazed software developers would consider impossible. As often as not, we are expected to put those solutions into production, without formal training on the tech, access to a test environment, and make it work. And we manage to pull it off most of the time!

During our "downtime" we do our best to keep up with an industry that moves and changes so fast that a year can make entire chunks of knowledge and experience nearly worthless. Powershell 4 came out last year??? How did that slip past me? I've hardly touched 3 yet!

  • [-]
  • mikelieman
  • 70 Points
  • 07:24:23, 5 April

>She stays home with our youngest who isn't in school yet. I make really good money but its still tight because I'm the only one who works.

Here's 500mg of MTFU, bro... Tell her to go get her own job, match what you're earning for the family dollar for dollar, and put the kid in childcare. She'll fold faster than Superman on Laundry Day... You're her meal-ticket, and shouldn't have to take this shit from her.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 46 Points
  • 07:28:42, 5 April

That was my exact response earlier today. She obviously didn't like it. I think the problem is that she sees other married couples on Facebook where the husband works in the oil fields and the wife is always spoiled. Maybe she doesn't understand that grass is always greener on the other side.

It could also be that she's never had a real job in her life. Thanks for listening to my rant either way.

  • [-]
  • redstormpopcorn
  • 28 Points
  • 10:01:41, 5 April

>other married couples on Facebook where the husband works in the oil fields and the wife is always spoiled.

Oil workers rake in the cash because of the very real chance of a workplace accident ending their careers and/or lives. Would she rather have your moderate, consistent income and companionship for decades, or 18 months of excess and a smoldering corpse?

  • [-]
  • the_second
  • 20 Points
  • 10:35:43, 5 April

> and companionship

Well, reading the rest of his comments I think we can rule out THAT as the #1 reason for the relationship.

  • [-]
  • Picarro
  • 8 Points
  • 10:16:12, 5 April

This. Sure, being an oil worker will make you rich from 18-38, but when your body gives out from the hard work it's gonna suck massive balls. In IT, you only stop working when your brain gives out, which should be well after 38 years of age.

  • [-]
  • doodep
  • 2 Points
  • 13:13:27, 5 April

Hmm...someone might be fishing for a divorce in the most roundabout of ways...

  • [-]
  • nibbles200
  • 2 Points
  • 14:56:06, 5 April

IMO I don't honestly believe these people are making as much as you would think. Maybe their take home salary is good but they blow so much of it on living expenses that at the end of the day they really aren't making that much. I live not far from Williston and have some bleed over from the oil boom. That place is not a good place to be right now. Some are making out good, I think truck drivers are doing well, and some locals or kids that stay with their parents. If you are in any other the RV parks....

  • [-]
  • 7823F6
  • 2 Points
  • 15:43:44, 5 April

I wonder how high the cost of living is up there? We had a friend who moved to BFE Alaska to work as an RN and bragged about how much they were going to pay her - until she got up there and saw the cost of everything, esp places to live.

  • [-]
  • xiongchiamiov
  • 1 Points
  • 16:22:33, 5 April

They make pretty damn good for only needing a high school diploma.

  • [-]
  • iruleatants
  • 37 Points
  • 09:00:23, 5 April

The average income for a household of TWO people in the united states is 50k. If you make above 50k, you are pulling the weight of two average americans. Simple as that.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 32 Points
  • 09:08:34, 5 April

I make over $60k and explained exactly what you just said to her. She's in for a rude awakening when my time with the kids isn't enough to keep her around anymore.

  • [-]
  • bobsomeguy
  • 46 Points
  • 09:51:10, 5 April

Shit dude, it sounds like there are more issues there than just her thinking there isn't enough money coming in.

  • [-]
  • Daleeburg
  • 21 Points
  • 12:25:48, 5 April

For the sake of the kids, please give marriage counseling a try. It sound like you have a 3 or 4 year old so you probably want to make this work for the next 15 years.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 4 Points
  • 16:07:55, 5 April

Two. And that's why I haven't left yet. We are going to get some counseling.

  • [-]
  • mikemol
  • 8 Points
  • 14:08:58, 5 April

Don't forget a thing called "alimony". Dude, go for counseling, for all your sakes.

  • [-]
  • nibbles200
  • 4 Points
  • 14:52:41, 5 April

O.K. lets say you make $60k now. You aren't going to get more than that working an oil field with out special skills or experience. You can understand this analogy, you work as a retail store manager & high school grad only. Your wife says you should go get one of those high paying IT jobs. No one is going to higher you with out education, experience or certs.

Add to that, even if you did get a $80k job, 1/3 of that is going to go into paying for you to live out there in a shit hole. The guys that do this tolerate this more because that is what they are accustom to.

The only winners in the oil game are veteran truck drivers owner operators employed on contract. They may net $80k give or take one you take operational expenses off the earnings.

You need to get your wife to do this math. If she still doesn't get it, then she just wants you to go away. sorry :( as I said in another post, get her to find the job she wants you to have. It will at least keep her preoccupied and out of your hair.

  • [-]
  • kevrom
  • 3 Points
  • 15:10:05, 5 April

I am a CNC machinist/programmer in the oil field, and I've worked offshore before. I also do IT-related things such as server administration, programming, and break/fix type work.

As a machinist, I make about the same money as you do. I work 12 hours a day, and the only way to make a decent wage is to put in overtime. Most of us are underpaid and expected to work 65-90 hours a week to make the money required to live comfortably. It's far from glamorous, and makes having any sort of hobby or life outside of work damn near impossible. I really enjoy building websites, but I only have a couple hours on the weekend to do so. If I was married, I'd have no time at all.

On the other side of the oilfield coin is offshore. There are so many different schedules and jobs offshore that it's hard to talk generally about them, but the one common factor is sacrifice. You will miss birthday parties, holidays, school functions, plays, conferences, and on and on. It's not easy on a dad, and it is taxing on a relationship. For some it works fine, for others it is stressful every single time you leave to go offshore, and then you build up resentment while out there, sometimes unable to communicate with your spouse at all for days or weeks. Pay-wise it can pay off huge, but you're going to start at the bottom and you'll be dirty and miserable for a long time before you make good money.

I've been in the oil field most of my adult life, which is about 10 years now. I've done a lot of different things. I hate it. Programming and IT are much more satisfying and mentally demanding. I can say this with 100% certainty, you will be left wanting of mentally stimulating work in the oilfield if you're not an engineer or other degree-required worker.

So there's the rundown of oilfield vs. IT for you. As for relationship advice, I can't help you. I'm terrible at relationships and don't really want anything to do with them. I hope things get better for you.

  • [-]
  • scottread1
  • 10 Points
  • 10:35:05, 5 April

Wow seriously? Okay I don't feel so bad about my meager $47k, in a very rural city, in Canada.

  • [-]
  • BaCoN_BaD
  • 5 Points
  • 13:41:28, 5 April

If you're making 47K in a rural town you're doing alright depending on your location.

Also depending on the job requirements 47K could be over/under or even for your role in your region.

For example, a single guy in Saskatchewan can make it pretty alright on 47K but 47K in Ontario, especially closer to TO is impossible, same fore Anywhere, BC and QC I am told.

  • [-]
  • bdunbar
  • 2 Points
  • 12:51:02, 5 April

Average for all Americans. Guys with actual skills in IT can make more.

Source: my last job was with a manufacturing company, in a semi-rural city in Wisconsin. I was making a lot more than $47k when I left for a pay bump and a new city.

  • [-]
  • scottread1
  • 15 Points
  • 10:37:18, 5 April

Keep in mind you're only going to get biased answers here.

a. We only know your side of the story.

b. I think it's safe to assume that 99% of the users here are male.

c. We're all sysadmins and therefore know the sting of being unappreciated all too well.

That being said, I think that iruleants nailed it.

  • [-]
  • Miserygut
  • 13 Points
  • 10:39:04, 5 April

>I think the problem is that she sees other married couples on Facebook where the husband works in the oil fields and the wife is always spoiled. Maybe she doesn't understand that grass is always greener on the other side.

When you log on to Facebook you're seeing someone else' Spotlight.

These people make one Facebook update a month showing off $NewThing that their SO bought them and that's what you're being compared to.

Facebook used like that is just going to make you feel jealous and competitive.

>It could also be that she's never had a real job in her life.

As bad as that sounds, it is a factor. Raising kids is a job in itself (and a very rewarding one) but your only customers are your offspring. Everyone who has had a job can appreciate that when you go to work you have many more customers to look after. Not only that, but there's also money and their livelihoods on the line. Your customer's kids are dependent on you doing your job.

Try explaining it to her that you're a like a senior teacher in a large school where you have to look after lots of kids (customers) all day. You're not necessarily intimately involved in their lives but you do generally care about their wellbeing, as much as you can.

There is lots of good advice in this thread. Communication is key.

  • [-]
  • mimiflynn
  • 8 Points
  • 12:57:18, 5 April

You made a good point that staying home with the kids is a hard job; maybe she feels just as unappreciated as OP and the fighting is from how they are both needing help but can't ask each other because they are both exhausted.

OP, counseling is probably in order here, as others have said. In the meantime, try to approach her with love instead of anger and realize that she might feel as you do. She might come to the same realization if you tell her that you know it's hard work to raise the kids... One of you have to be the better person here, and it might as well be you.

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • makebaconpancakes
  • 4 Points
  • 11:24:06, 5 April

>Try explaining it to her that you're a like a senior teacher in a large school where you have to look after lots of kids (customers) all day. You're not necessarily intimately involved in their lives but you do generally care about their wellbeing, as much as you can.

End users are worse than children because at least sometimes children listen.

  • [-]
  • kellyzdude
  • 3 Points
  • 12:13:20, 5 April

And when they don't you can pick them up.

  • [-]
  • Talman
  • 5 Points
  • 11:50:55, 5 April

Dude, it sounds like she's trying to get you deployed to Bumfuckistan so the company can send her checks and never have to actually see you.

  • [-]
  • mikelieman
  • 13 Points
  • 07:30:38, 5 April

> She obviously didn't like it.

The lion doesn't concern himself with the thoughts of sheep. If she doesn't like it, you're not chaining her to the stove or anything, she's free to leave....

  • [-]
  • deadmilk
  • 3 Points
  • 14:14:38, 5 April

Oh wow. So she sits on Facebook all day comparing you to other husbands?

Sounds like she's having a real hard time. I totally understand why she's complaining.

Excuse me while I go vomit the black soul of all my hatred and disgust, in aborted fetus form.

  • [-]
  • Joe_testing
  • 2 Points
  • 12:21:20, 5 April

mikelieman is absolutely right.. this is really crap you don't have to take. She needs to get a job herself or she gets to stfu. It's very rude I know.. but damn..

  • [-]
  • trekkie80
  • 2 Points
  • 14:20:49, 5 April

Whatever you do, think of the kids first.

The part someone raised about not being a good role model if you take it lying down in an unbalanced relationship - that can be fixed by many other ways than divorce.

Developing a strong "friend" relation with kids is easy when you are what you are - spend good quality time with the kids, make sure they love you a lot and admire you. Do not complain to your kids about mom being a lazy prick. Kids don't respect that. There is the whole of the internet to vent out, venting is good and needed.

If your kids see you as daddy cool and a buddy, both you and they have real value in life. The wife will understand not to get too childish and demanding.

Take the high road, vent on the internet if needed, ignore the bitchiness of the spouse, if the wife cannot understand the value of intellectual and engineering disciplines over manual labour, then she needs education, not dumping. After all she provides the basic service of raising your kids and, is not hating you as such, just being bitchy.

TL;DR vent / rant online, befriend kids, ignore bitchiness of wife, educate wife, think of the kids, do not divorce.

  • [-]
  • hoppi_
  • 3 Points
  • 09:24:19, 5 April

> I think the problem is that she sees other married couples on Facebook where the husband works in the oil fields and the wife is always spoiled. Maybe she doesn't understand that grass is always greener on the other side.

Based on the very few paragraphs you put on here, here is my opinion as a non-married single guy: ~~delete facebook, fuck b~~ ok ok I couldn't resist, sorry. :)

Well, I'd say she doesn't really have a clue of what is going on out there and what kind of weird-ass angle she is using to, I don't know, put "pressure" on you? Her "problem" with you and/or your work actually reads kind of hilarious. I hope you'll be a somewhat stronger character than your posts indicate. Her, and please forgive me for saying that even with those nice words, narrow mind shouldn't be your problem. Watch out that your kids don't get too overly drowned and attached to that mindset.

I'd suggest some of the things similarly to /u/iruleatants:

If she truly thinks that you don't work hard enough/don't bring in enough money. There is a huge possibility you married the wrong person (which with 3 kids, thats a huge downer). Talk to her in depth and try to explain that it's not a nice thing to be that disrespectful to you and your work, and that you are the sole bringer of income. Maybe explain to her a work situation where you performed some of the IT magic (Such as email down) and how no one but yourself could have resolved the issue in the speed that you did, and why the speed saved the company thousands/millions of dollars.

In my experience though, and I must say it might not mean much at all since I am most likely a lot younger that most of you here, people who aren't trying to concern themselves with those things such a computers, think that IT magic or whatever it is sometimes "those people" talk about, is mostly a technicality. It's out of their realm. In the long view, it's a lost effort to explain it to them. Sometimes, rightfully so. I can easily say I dare not to imagine how I would manage with three children at home. And that might be the whole other issue here.

  • [-]
  • FraggleDMT
  • 1 Points
  • 12:27:40, 5 April

As someone who works in IT in a similar industry to the rigs (I work in the mines). I'll be the first to say that yes the grass does seem greener on this side, yet it really isn't.

Yes you make considerably more money(depending where you are located you lose a lot of it in taxes), but at what cost? 12-16 hour days and being far from home for extended periods of time. It can also be/is rough on relationships due to the time away from home. Most of the guys I work with are either single or on their second or third marriage.

To be honest you are probably better off where you are if you are making a good salary. If the wife doesn't like it i have to agree with mikelieman, tell her to get to work. I went through a 2 year period of being the sole provider for my wife and kid and it was not easy and it is hella stressful.

  • [-]
  • kurin
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:23, 5 April

Can I ask what specifically the work in the "oil field" is? Because I'm just imagining a bunch of strapping men without shirts hauling around buckets of tar, which probably misses the mark a little.

Would it just be IT work for an oil company? But then that'd still be a desk job, so she must mean something else.

  • [-]
  • hoppi_
  • 4 Points
  • 09:11:12, 5 April

> She'll fold faster than Superman on Laundry Day...

Lmao, this is awesome. I have never read that before. That is really great. :D

  • [-]
  • pinatasenpai
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:50, 5 April

first time for me as well! I repeated it to my partner and she was stunned that I'd never heard it! It seems this phrase is nigh on 20 years old, as she heard when she was at university ...

  • [-]
  • awyden
  • 22 Points
  • 09:30:43, 5 April

Have you considered marriage counseling?

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 1 Points
  • 16:10:23, 5 April

We are going to start next week.

  • [-]
  • instadit
  • 7 Points
  • 10:24:27, 5 April

If you're an employee, the amount of money you make depends (to a degree) on how many people can do your job. VERY few people can do your job. The money you make reflects the work you do/value you hold with your company. You can solve your problem, by taking her to work one day (i realise this is very hard). Make her do mental work and problem solving for 10 hours. She obviously hasn't done that in her life. If she still doesn't undestand, it's either her time of the month or she has no clue of how the world works.

  • [-]
  • pibroch
  • 8 Points
  • 12:16:11, 5 April

Reading through this, your wife doesn't understand what living paycheck to paycheck is like, having to claw your way up the ladder and struggle for awhile.

She needs a reality check. She needs to know how stupid what she's suggesting is, how lucky she is that you work in a relatively stable and safe job. I don't know how much you make, but after working in a garage washing cars and sweating/freezing my ass off doing hard labor for someone who made five times what I made... I wanted a job where I didn't have to break my back to grab a decent wage. And my wife supported me every step of the way.

Fuck that noise.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 1 Points
  • 16:11:40, 5 April

We do live paycheck to paycheck. She hates it and thats why she wants me to find a "better job".

  • [-]
  • BlueBelleNOLA
  • 7 Points
  • 12:24:24, 5 April

I sympathize, friend. My SO (I am female) was barely working until recently, and even with his new job makes half what I do. We have three kids, two in HS and one in daycare.

He never understood why I was always so stressed and tired, and now that he is working its even worse because he assumes his job (AV work) is still harder than mine. So frustrating.

Things that have helped (albeit briefly): working from home, where he can hear the meetings I am having and we talk about things way over his head. When I talk to his friends in IT and they are sympathetic. The biggest help is internal, though, when I make an intentional decision to let it go, and understand that not everyone will understand.

  • [-]
  • hosalabad
  • 6 Points
  • 12:57:41, 5 April

You could probably work hard and make more money in an oil field.

You could also get killed with a lot less effort working in an oil field.

You're also goddamn lucky to be employed in this shit economy. (Not just you, all of us)

She sounds like she has the sit at home and be entitled attitude.

Ask her what she's qualified to make $60k at, and ask her if she's ready to bring home $100k (or whatever they make) as a roughneck. She got 3 kids off to school she's tough enough.

  • [-]
  • renational
  • 5 Points
  • 14:08:13, 5 April

it's her way of telling you are getting pale and flabby - time to hit the gym my friend.

  • [-]
  • nibbles200
  • 2 Points
  • 15:09:16, 5 April

I like the way you are reading into this, you may be right and it may be that simple. Some wives can be cryptic like that.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:11, 5 April

I am 5'11" and 190. I'm not incredibly overwheight, but could stand to lose 15lbs. Its not about the looks. She wants more money for material things instead of living paycheck to paycheck.

  • [-]
  • wewewawa
  • 5 Points
  • 14:50:55, 5 April

I was in a similar situation, and kept receiving snide comments about 'trying other things.'

Unrelatedly, I started running before work, and went to the gym after work, and lost a lot of weight and got fit.

I don't know if its the physical shape improvement, or that I get more attention now from females at the grocery checkout, restaurants and other places we go now, but she hasn't said anything about my employment like she used to do for over a year now. She used to bring it up every month or two. My income is still the same.

And even at work, I'm up for a promotion now also.

  • [-]
  • aramsumair
  • 3 Points
  • 14:58:31, 5 April

I really think this is the answer .. she probably wants you to get in shape and is too immature to tell you that. So she thinks working a real job will help you get fit.

Try talking to your wife about clear communication, explain to her you love what you do, and that is the most important aspect of a job.

If it turns out she wants you to get in shape, no biggie cause everyone could use some exercise.

  • [-]
  • satisfyinghump
  • 5 Points
  • 15:25:16, 5 April

I don't want to be miss negative, but I don't know how this relationship of yorus has gotten this far, and how its going to get any further.

this wife of yours is casually making assumptions about your job, without living a day in your life, and on top of which, she doesn't work herself. yeh yeh, i get it, shes a full time mom. well, what if you became a fulll time dad and she went to work full time, working over time every day, and coming home exhausted?

you should start saying the same things she says to you, about her raising the kids. "all you do is play. you get to goto the park and chat with the other moms and play in the grass. your life isn't that hard"

see how she likes it.

i absolutely loathe these types of women, and don't plan on marrying one like that. i want a woman that is able to see past the material, want to have her own successful professional career and respects me and my job, regardless of what i'm doing.

i'm telling you now, from experience with other friends that have had similar experiences (they were car mechanics, and the wives complained they came home dirty, or plumbers, but they made 90,000+ a year, so the wives were happy as long as they got jewlery and cars and other disnEY MOVIE TREATMENT) your marriage is going to fall apart. maybe nto now, but in the future, your going to find yoru wife cheating on you with someone who she respects more, and your going to be to blame, because you didn't nip in the bud sooner.

thing is, you can't even have a conversation with a person like this. regardless if you sit her down and tell her that your feelings are hurt when you hear her say these things, and you see her nod her head and smile and give you some good make up sex, she will STILL not respect your job. she will still make fun of you to her friends.

im preparing you for the worst case scenario, so yes it sounds harsh, but i feel you'd rather be prepared then see this as a surprise out of nowhere.

i wish you best of luck and hopefully this is just some phase shes going through, because she feels insecure that she doesn't have a job. it'd probably make it worst if you were to tell her "me doing nothing at work, is what keeps you and the kids fed and with a roof over your heads, so shut the fuck up and make the kids lunch for school tomorrow", but in the end you need to still maintain your selfrespect. dont let what she says and feels about your job, bleed into your job, and start making you feel like you are doing nothing. the IT work force is one of the few jobs that so far has job security far into the future. computers and servers are breaking 24/7, and we are keeping them going. most other jobs are being replaced by computers/robots. shit, even the job of parent can be outsourced or replaced easily. at that age, the kid just needs a generic compassionate role model. some nanny from india or africa can do it. can the same be said about your job?

SHE WILL NEVER understand your position or your job, but only because she chooses not to. if she had the capacity to understand your job, she would have had done so already. and quite frankly, if you're the only one working, she doesn't fucking need to udnerstand your job. she just needs to know you love her and the kids, and do all you can to keep everyone happy, even if that leads you stressed out. you don't need the added stress of her bullshit. if she udnerstood that thoguh, you wouldn't be posting this on reddit. best of luck.

  • [-]
  • JackDostoevsky
  • 12 Points
  • 11:49:57, 5 April

This seems more like a post that should go to /r/relationships than /r/sysadmin, because it has more to do with your marriage than your job.

Because really, if you make decent money, what does it matter if you sit with your thumb up your ass all day, so long as you're making money?

  • [-]
  • Brisil
  • 3 Points
  • 13:44:48, 5 April

Fuckin this. You bring bread to the table. She should shut her mouth.

  • [-]
  • bdunbar
  • 4 Points
  • 12:46:36, 5 April

In addition to my reply to iruleatants ..

A lot of us undervalue our worth. If your wife thinks you can make better money as a cat operator, and she actually has looked into the matter, then you might be worth more than you think.

I myself did this. When I left the Marines in '93 after four-year intensive OJT course in 'IT', I was thrilled when I got a salary boost. Man, I was making enough to have dinner out, once a month. Rollin' in the clover.

I was set straight by an HR guy, a few years later, at Compaq when he 'lost' my offer letter and I got a 40% salary increase.

Money won't give you happiness, it's true. But being compensated for your true worth can makes things easier, ya know?

  • [-]
  • baultista
  • 5 Points
  • 13:17:16, 5 April

My sister used to say that I had a "princess job" because I would work from home 2x a week and usually spend my time on Reedit while monitoring progress bars or writing/testing scripts. She obviously wasn't aware of the 2AM conference calls every time something went catastrophically wrong.

It was kind of bullshit because she works in the public sector and fills out death reports from a form all day.

  • [-]
  • MoreThanSummerParts
  • 3 Points
  • 13:21:09, 5 April

>I don't work hard and could be making a lot more money doing something physical. (Think oil field)

So ... working killer shifts in the middle of some Godforsaken place where you might be away for weeks or months is somehow superior to a job where you are home and make decent money?

IIRC oilfield workers have sky high rates of all sorts of bad stuff like alcoholism, divorce, etc. The money may be decent but the stress has got to be high.

  • [-]
  • originalucifer
  • 4 Points
  • 13:34:32, 5 April

dude, im sooo sorry, but you married a complete idiot.

you could throw some literature at her that would demonstrate the stresses involved with a job like yours, but it doesnt sound like she would either want to read it or would be capable of doing so.

im in a nearly identical situation with 4 kids, but i vetted my wife before marrying her. we were best friends for years before we got married. this kind of misunderstanding just doesnt happen when you really know the person youre marrying.

  • [-]
  • knobbysideup
  • 3 Points
  • 14:46:40, 5 April

Just show her your wiki.

  • [-]
  • recourse9
  • 3 Points
  • 14:49:02, 5 April

You should dump her. Sounds like a spoiled bitch.

  • [-]
  • somewhat_pragmatic
  • 2 Points
  • 12:37:31, 5 April

I would be bored silly at most physical labor based jobs. I need to have my mind fully engaged in my work.

>However, she thinks because I sit at my desk in my office 90% of day, I don't work hard and could be making a lot more money doing something physical. (Think oil field)

Does she also understand the toll physical labor based jobs take on the body? And that one single slip up can mean permanent disability or death? There's a reason those jobs pay so well. Its to balance the risk that is being taken.

  • [-]
  • accountnumber3
  • 2 Points
  • 13:47:49, 5 April

>Smoke Jumper

I like that.

Just add a bunch of monitors and tell her you keep the matrix from getting tangled.

  • [-]
  • TheJizzle
  • 2 Points
  • 13:48:25, 5 April

There are a lot of great responses here. Technical minds yield logical solutions. I love you guys.

OP: I won't give you more of the same, but the general theme here is something with which I agree: seek outside help if you want this marriage.

  • [-]
  • dk45365
  • 1 Points
  • 14:04:01, 5 April

There's working hard, and there's working smart. If you're on your feet for 10 hours a day, you're not doing enough automation.

DO NOT wait for people to tell you about problems, write scripts that automatically tell you about problems. Nagios, Bash, Windows Batch files, and Powershell are your friends here.

  • [-]
  • deadmilk
  • 2 Points
  • 14:07:56, 5 April

It doesn't seem like she cares about you. Telling you to work a different job so, totally disregarding your enjoyment. Work takes up 30%+ of your life... You should do what you enjoy, and she should support you in that.

  • [-]
  • nibbles200
  • 2 Points
  • 14:37:44, 5 April

I would challenge her to find a better paying job to apply too. My wife has actually made me apply to my two most recent jobs, both of which were big improvements in every way. She aimed high and I applied and interviewed as a joke and she was right, whoda thunk. I am also IT, I have held positions from help desk up to department director and just recently rebooted and wearing two hats as a sys admin/assistant network engineer. My wife know's how hard I work even though she doesn't understand or want to hear the jargon so that is a little different. I have actually mentioned how in ND there is a huge oil boom with big pay, I know a few people working out there and come home on the weekend. I thought there must be IT out there too right? But my wife grew up with a dad on the road doing construction and won't have any of that. She wants me home and healthy to give our kids the father they need. These oil jobs have no place for wife and kids period so they stay away... far away as these are remote places.

What I am getting at is, tell her to do the home work. She is home all day, ask her to help find these awesome paying hardworking jobs. Don't be a dick about it because if she actually does it she will get a reality check. There is an oil boom but just like the gold rush there is a rush of people in line, already camped out in Williston. There is no housing so they stay in campers and pay upwards of 4$k / mo. just to park their camper. This winter never got above zero for two months with many days at -30f.

The only guys I know making it out there are truck drivers because they have sleeper trucks. But they only hire hardcore experienced drivers with healthy DOT marked trucks. That is going to be a $30k + investment just for the passable crap truck, forget your lack of experience.

lol oil job... your wife is adorable. ;) Have her utube search Williston oil boom and watch some. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqIcGQrHe40

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqIcGQrHe40

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg7jIr2kNx4

  • [-]
  • nslay
  • 3 Points
  • 15:44:46, 5 April

You're wife is self-centered.

  • [-]
  • spikeyfreak
  • 2 Points
  • 15:48:54, 5 April

>However, she thinks because I sit at my desk in my office 90% of day, I don't work hard and could be making a lot more money doing something physical. (Think oil field)

This is ignorant on so many levels. You have experience in IT, so you would be starting over in a different field.

You enjoy IT. You don't know if you enjoy "something physical."

The people who make the most money in the world do "office work." The people who make the least money in the world do "physical work."

She doesn't work. Her complaining about you not having a BETTER job has no weight until she has A job.

  • [-]
  • flashvenom
  • 2 Points
  • 17:46:08, 5 April

Damn. I've been waiting for this. Your post hits so close to home for me, and I'm sure a lot of sysadmins and programmers... What compounds my situation is that I also like video games, and play them on my breaks. All it took was one time - I was playing some BF4 on lunch, my wife pops in the office (I own my own building which is right next to our kids school so this happens regularly) and BAM now she says I get paid to play games all day... Edit: Note: She's Mexican, so a large portion of her family works manual/labor intensive jobs. Doesn't help my situation.

  • [-]
  • amazingsammy
  • 2 Points
  • 12:42:22, 5 April

My first wife felt that way. I was doing a lot of contracting at the time too, and she couldn't understand why there was weeks of downtime between jobs. When I explained it to her, she refused to understand it. It's a lot easier now, since I passed the 1.5 decade mark on my career, but yeah.

Tentatively, without knowing your wife, I would say she's probably projecting. She's secretly worried that what she does isn't really work, so she gets on your case about it. I would say, maybe, if you think this is the case, you should probably point this out to her.

You probably could make more money working on an oil rig, but why should you? You work your ass off as it is, and you like your job. Just don't let that gym membership lapse. Trust me.

Besides, if it's really that important to her, I'm sure she could probably get a job drilling oil, if it really came down to it.

  • [-]
  • prostateExamination
  • 1 Points
  • 12:46:22, 5 April

i thought working retail and dealing with customers was bad and stressful...hello first office job at a small company..my god, 10x more stress than i could ever fucking imagine, good pay though.

  • [-]
  • CaptMorgan74
  • 1 Points
  • 12:57:27, 5 April

Most of my coworkers think that. I am the sole IT guy for a wholesale greenhouse. There's about 15 of us in office roles and the rest of the workers (about 250) think we just set in our offices all day with the AC cranked up doing nothing.

  • [-]
  • alphafrog
  • 1 Points
  • 13:16:15, 5 April

Is this a American thing? I live in the UK and have never had this experience or heard of anyone in the industry here who has. Anyone outside the US had the ordeal?

Edit: I am making an assumption about the OP location but it's only cause I haven't come across it in the UK

  • [-]
  • addrockk
  • 3 Points
  • 13:37:04, 5 April

No, it must be a Texas thing. Texas is the 'Murica of America.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 2 Points
  • 16:15:32, 5 April

Wyoming. But we're pretty much just north Texas.

  • [-]
  • interiot
  • 1 Points
  • 14:05:04, 5 April

No, it's a really odd thing to say, period. Usually white-collar jobs are viewed as more prestigious than blue-collar jobs. I know that a few people view that differently (viewing hands-on work as more honest work), but most people are at least aware that that's a minority view.

  • [-]
  • kurin
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:36, 5 April

That's actually not a problem I've run into, to be honest. Most people understand I think that desk work can still be work, even if they don't know exactly what that work accomplishes.

My wife is very supportive, but if she started telling me she wanted me to get a job in an oil field (what the fuck?) I'd probably just offer to help her fill out an application. Because if she wants it so bad, she can do it.

  • [-]
  • gwildor
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:08, 5 April

Take a few weeks off to stay home with the kids... let her work in the oil field...

after your vacation time expires, let her make the choice.

  • [-]
  • atheos
  • 1 Points
  • 14:57:55, 5 April

She doesn't respect you, and she doesn't respect the money you earn. My home life is similar, 6 kids and 1 income. If the bills are paid, my wife is happy

  • [-]
  • A999
  • 1 Points
  • 15:18:49, 5 April

My bosses and colleagues think so, well I installed Logtash and open it in big LCD. Now eveybody will think I'm doing something with graphs.

  • [-]
  • fetchingTurtle
  • 1 Points
  • 15:27:44, 5 April

I used to work for an MSP that dealt primarily with Dentists Offices. I'm so sorry you have to deal with Dentrix and Patterson Eaglesoft every day. bro hug

  • [-]
  • Companda311
  • 1 Points
  • 15:42:00, 5 April

Dentrix via Citrix for that added level of shoot me in the face please.

  • [-]
  • fetchingTurtle
  • 1 Points
  • 15:55:46, 5 April

Sweet Jesus. I'm going to have a beer in your honor today.

  • [-]
  • Crowd_of_Gods
  • 1 Points
  • 15:51:03, 5 April

You need a relationship counselor or a lawyer, not sysadmin advice.

  • [-]
  • soawesomejohn
  • 1 Points
  • 16:02:11, 5 April

I switched to a standing desk. Much more physically demanding. I mean, according to LifeHacker, it's like running 10 marathons a year!

So do that and then make sure your wife knows that you're pretty much an olympic-level athlete.

  • [-]
  • dunnomate
  • 1 Points
  • 16:20:24, 5 April

Wow, sorry to hear man. I can say though that I have yet to meet anyone that works in the oil/gas field that actually have money and a good home relationship. They spend money like its going out of style, live paycheck to paycheck, never even heard of savings, and 99% that I have met all are sure their wife is banging other guys while they are out of town. Idk, you could always tell her you will be a stay at home dad and she can go work in the oil/gas field if she really wants more money.. Did she come from money or did you spoil her early on during the relationship?

  • the above is just from my experience, not saying everyone in the industry is like that.
  • [-]
  • trowmit
  • 1 Points
  • 16:25:09, 5 April

Sorry man to hear that, I'm surprised of how disrespectful, self centered and immature your wife is, if she really loved you she should feel happy that you are enjoying your work and financially providing for your family. You really need to do a serious talk and tell her to STFU or start looking for a job and a new husband. This kind of shit is really serious and not a good indication of an healthy relationship, it can escalate very quickly in to a marriage living hell. You are asking here what to do, well...it's ok, but if you really love your wife and little kid and care about your future and relationship, I don't think she'll ''never "get it", but I strongly suggest you and your wife to talk with a good marriage counselor and if the talking fails, I hope you know a good lawyer.

  • [-]
  • crankysysadmin
  • 1 Points
  • 16:28:33, 5 April

I saw you mentioned making 47k. You can easily double that salary, but perhaps not in a rural town. People who do jack of all trades work like you describe tend not to get paid that much. If you work for a larger company (managed service providers like you describe suck for salaries), there's a lot more money in it. You don't mention desktops, but what percentage of your time is actually spent doing sysadmin tasks.

There's more "prestige" in server/infrastructure work to people in the sysadmin community, so usually someone will tell me about the server work they do, but then sometimes they leave off that it is only 30% of their job, and they spend a ton of other time dealing with desktops and iPads and telephones and printers and network switches. If that is you, you're doing a lot of work, but I don't think you're really a sysadmin in the traditional sense of the word, but more of an IT generalist. Your salary makes sense for an IT generalist. If you are 100% servers/infrastructure/databases you could be making a ton more money. Your salary is more of a desktop/user support salary, even for a rural area.

  • [-]
  • aenigma
  • 1 Points
  • 16:33:42, 5 April

I make over $60k and do 75% server/networking stuff and 25% T3 troubleshooting.

  • [-]
  • klondikegrenade
  • 2 Points
  • 16:28:45, 5 April

Tell her to go get a job for herself working an oil field. I realize it is your wife so I won't say what I'm really thinking, but... yeah. No.

  • [-]
  • Splendaflora
  • 1 Points
  • 16:51:22, 5 April

So glad my husband and I are both SysAdmins. It makes life easier for us, but people think we "play on computers all day" and they don't realize how stressful it is.

  • [-]
  • darthn3ss
  • 1 Points
  • 16:52:53, 5 April

I've been on an oilfield before. They had one guy whose entire job was just to cut open bags of salt for the fracking fluid stuff they mix up. His entire shift was standing around with a box cutter, from what I could tell.

  • [-]
  • biffsocko
  • 1 Points
  • 16:54:43, 5 April

buddy - you need to take "the red pill"

  • [-]
  • Hellmark
  • 1 Points
  • 16:56:38, 5 April

I have somewhat of similar situation going on with my wife. She works a desk job too, but her job has her with lots of down time, and I guess she assumes other people with desk jobs get downtime too. The SysAdmin jobs i've worked typically kept us crazy busy. The problem comes in that she'll periodically give me tasks or errands to do during the day, and gets really pissed off if I don't get a chance to do it. Last week she wanted me to call on a few different things, and I didn't get to, because all day I was either in meetings, at someone else's desk, or someone was at my desk because or various fire drills. I literally didn't have a free moment to eat, let alone call.