My roommate [18] is suicidal because he fails with women (self.AskMen)


20 ups - 1 downs = 19 votes

This guy is like the king of everything except when it comes to women. He's a fucking genius. I met him in high school, he aced every test we ever took. This guy was well liked by everybody(except by girls who called him a creep, he was just always shy around them). Prom king and his date ditches him to dance with other guys. Ran Student Body. He was athletic (captain of wrestling, baseball, football) and he's physically muscular.

He's also been shot down by every girl he's approached, and watched his friends go upstairs with the girls that've just turned him down at parties. At the frat, we just tell him to relax and make small talk, but it's impossible for him to keep conversations going. A lot of time, it's pretty clear that they're not attracted to him.

This isn't a post about helping him getting laid though, this is about his self esteem. He tried cutting his throat when he was drunk last week after a party and full of hate towards himself. I've tried explaining that he's more than the notches on his bedpost, but I suck at it.

How do I get him to understand that his value as a man is more than his ability to get laid? He knows he's amazing in those other areas, but it only makes it worse because he's trying to figure out why, despite all his great factors, no girls are attracted to him. It's a vicious cycle of self-esteem being torn up because he thinks there's something fundamentally wrong about him, then girls find that unattractive, etc.

So yeah, he should talk to girls, but he cant do it if 1) he's emitting that lack of self-esteem and 2) he doesn't know what to say. Literally, he runs through the list of major, hometown, hobbies, music, etc.. and they give him cold responses. This fucks him up more, he tries something different, gets shot down again.

He's decent looking. But Chinese, so that might play into why girls don't find him as attractive.

He thinks being a man is really being excellent at everything, first and foremost getting all the lays like the rest of us. I envy his other achievements, he would willingly trade them all to be the "asshole that gets his dick wet with sluts". He used to be nicer towards people, but he's recently been starting to get really jaded with his outlook on the world.

He's focused. Angry and self-destructive, but still focused enough to get his work done. I just hate how he tries to drink everything away. Therapy isn't helping, I've taken him and he tells me that the doc is bullshit.

How do I cut through the self-hate and dead ego to help him realize that he'll get all the sex he wants if he stops focusing on having sex every time we throw a banger (and work on his game. Literally horrible, but it's more trial and error than something I can teach)?

Because at the end of the day, he's thinking that everything he does in life is pointless if he doesn't get sex.

EDIT: I'm aware a solution is to get him laid, but if you guys could tell me what to tell him because I'm on the fence about him getting laid working to help him, that'd be appreciated.

13 comments submitted at 22:39:42 on Apr 8, 2014 by throwconfess123

  • [-]
  • MaverickTopGun
  • 9 Points
  • 22:58:13, 8 April

You seem to understand the problem. He's associating his self worth with the ability to "hook up" with women. It's really up to you to stress that to him and I don't know him well enough to know how to relay that to him effectively.

  • [-]
  • sunofabeeeyetch
  • 8 Points
  • 23:10:53, 8 April

Honestly, if he's suicidal, he probably needs professional help. This isn't the best place to ask.

  • [-]
  • twwwy
  • 6 Points
  • 00:11:50, 9 April

The guy needs professional and serious help, not just therapy.

It's not your place to take responsibility for him, don't get too reeled in. Just keep him in your friends-circle, hang out, etc. Not much you can do...

>Because at the end of the day, he's thinking that everything he does in life is pointless if he doesn't get sex.

I will give you Seth Rogen's quote from his and Evan Goldberg's AMA which I have bookmarked with myself, your friend needs to grow up, sorry. Here is the quote...

  • [-]
  • throwconfess123
  • 2 Points
  • 00:19:37, 9 April

His take seems to be more that a job and career won't give him what he wants either, I'm not sure if the quote really applies to him.

  • [-]
  • twwwy
  • 3 Points
  • 00:26:03, 9 April

then he's undergoing depression or an existential crisis. many people do at such an age. it's not good if he gets too isolated though, and that's where professionals come in. it's way beyond your pay-grade...

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 3 Points
  • 22:42:57, 8 April


  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 3 Points
  • 22:55:28, 8 April

> he runs through the list of major, hometown, hobbies, music, etc.. and they give him cold responses.

Tell him to read a dating book. Maybe he's naturally good at almost everything else but he should be smart enough to realize trying the same thing over and over again is insane and some things take work.

Also, direct him to a therapist. This is above and beyond what friendship should require.

  • [-]
  • muricancars
  • 2 Points
  • 23:08:16, 8 April

It might be worth it to get him away from his problems so he can get a bit of an outside perspective on it.

Maybe go for a weekend trip somewhere with a bunch of guys where no one is getting laid. Maybe a fishing trip or something like that.

I don't think the key here is just to go get him laid. That will only make him happy in the short term, he obviously has issues.

  • [-]
  • RoanHighlandsMan
  • 1 Points
  • 01:51:10, 9 April

He needs professional help, obviously. Nothing we can say is worth a damn, really. We're just a bunch of fuckheads killing time on Reddit.

That said, lots of people have self-esteem issues. More severe ones manifest many different ways. Some people develop eating disorders, some turn to drugs, and your friend, clearly, has been driven to counteract this by achieving things, which he has been told throughout his childhood will make you great and successful and happy, and the one thing he can't achieve is eating at him. If it wasn't this, it'd be something else. You can treat the symptoms by getting him laid, but he needs to speak to a professional.

  • [-]
  • sandboarding
  • 1 Points
  • 02:09:06, 9 April

He's been told all his life he has to have a good job, be a nice guy, be funny, smart, good looking, etc. or girls won't like him. He has put all his self-worth in whether women are attracted to him or not.

I used to think a little bit like that when I was young and what did it for me was to see the "uglier" nature of women. The manipulative, narcissistic, materialistic tendencies they may have.

Sure, he might go through a mildly resentful period towards women, being "lied" about what they really want all his life, but that will pass and is surely better than the depression and self hate he is going through. It will take the pussy off the golden 10 feet pedestal he's put it in and should nudge him towards a more healthy perspective about life.

Good luck and all of best to you and your friend.

  • [-]
  • DiamondDays
  • 1 Points
  • 01:29:12, 9 April

That's sad. Obviously his self esteem is a huge issue, but honestly at that and age and with the girls he's likely meeting if he's in a frat the other half probably is him being Chinese. Don't tell him that though.

  • [-]
  • chr0me0
  • 1 Points
  • 01:33:06, 9 April

He should just forget about girls for a while. Getting rejected constantly will definitely take its toll.

Edit: Also he's pretty much fucked with the sorority girls you guys have been partying with because im sure he has a reputation now and everyone knows about him trying to slice his throat.