Wife has left me and her 3 young children to take an online affair to real life, in another country, with her half brother. (self.offmychest)
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Here's my story of woe. I'm hoping that sharing my story will help me start to get over its contents. Not sure if this is the right place to post it; if y'all have suggestions of a better sub, let me know which one. I've tried to fix formatting so it's less wall-o-text, to no avail, so apologies in advance.
TLDR for the lazy will be provided at the bottom.
Prologue: 12 years together, most of them married. It's fair to say that our relationship had been rough for a while. Neither one of us was taking care of the other properly, so looking back, I think that even if this hadn't happened, things would have gone south either way eventually.
So I'll get going now.
I had been suspicious that something was going on for a while, but didn't have proof, so even when i confronted her she denied it. Her answer was always "the only person I talk to is my half brother Ethan (name changed to protect the guilty and the innocent)". This is her estranged half brother whom their also estranged father had put together so they could get to know each other, because both had grown up as only children to different mothers. I've always thought that family is very important, so I encouraged her to talk to him. I think if I hadn't done that, then that conversation might never have started. I don't blame myself though, for those that might wonder. I'm fully aware that the fucked up situation that exists today is not a result of that encouragement. They chose to take it where they took it.
Over the months leading up to Christmas, she was on her phone constantly, typing away to someone. We had never hidden anything from each other before, but now she kept her phone locked, and never let it out of her sight. There were a few days (she was a stay at home mom) where I would come home and have to make the kids dinner because she hadn't planned anything, having instead sat on the couch chatting all day.
The morning of Christmas day, I had a dream. I dreamt that she was cheating on me. I woke up at 5.30am, and i knew that she was cheating on me because of that dream. So I logged into her email. I didn't hack it or anything; it used the same password as other things we share, because up until recently we hadn't been hiding things from each other at all, and I guess she hadn't thought about this one yet. In her email, I was blown away by what I found. Turns out it was true, the only person she was talking to was her brother, but that was the person she was having the affair with. I found a love letter from him to her, that she had requested from him explaining his feelings. Also I found naked pictures they had been sending to each other.
I was completely floored. In shock, maybe. But, it was Christmas day, and we had two Christmases to attend with different parts of the family that very day. Plus another one a couple of days later. I decided that, for the sake of the kids, I would not discuss it until after Christmas was done. I made it through that day, barely. Smile painted on my face while I pretended to be happy, so I could play with the kids and give them the Christmas they deserve. It was pure hell. The entire day, I felt like I was going to die.
That evening, I asked my wife a question. Something about her father. I guess deep down I knew it was force the start of the conversation, and sure enough, she would not let it go, and eventually I told her what I found. She STILL denied the whole thing, until I literally showed her the evidence that she knew full well existed.
A lot of yelling and crying occurred that night. Mostly because she feared I would take the kids away from her. I never had any intention of doing that, because I believe that children deserve a stable set of parents. I asked her to promise the following three things so we could give things another try, because she expressed a desire to try again:
Promise not to lie to me again Promise not to hide things from me again Promise to stop talking to Ethan
She told me that she could not promise any of those three. Despite this, completely overwhelmed by emotion and not thinking slightly clearly, I tried everything I could to re-ignite the spark so she would want to be with me again. I took someone's idea from here and made her bacon roses, because she's been on a low carb diet. She liked them, but looking back, I can see that it didn't make that much of an impact. For valentines, I bought a fancy breakfast from a nearby bakery so we could celebrate at home together. It's hard to go anywhere because of the kids. When I brought it home, she said she was going to the gym, and would eat her half when she got home. It wasn't until later that I realized that she was sabotaging every effort i made to try to reconcile.
So this went on, back and forth, for a while. There were "ok" days, and then there were bad days. Sadly, some of it flowed over to where the kids caught on, especially the oldest girl. I regret this most of all. I guess all said and done there were two months of this. After this, Ethan decided he wanted to talk to me. His intention was to try to convince me to let him live with her in the same town, so Liz (wife, again name changed) could live with her "soulmate" aka half brother, and still get to see her kids. I told her that I could not tolerate this, and my father stated that if that were to happen, then he would call local law and have them arrested for incest.
Anyway, he and I got on a skype call, with wife present, and that's when shit really hit the fan. Turns out that they had physically met in person twice, and had sex, for a week at a time. The first time happened back in January (when she said she was going to visit her family for her grandmother's birthday. I think she did attend the birthday, but was shacked up in a hotel for the rest of the week). The second time was back in March. She had asked me for a week to clear her head away from the family and all the stresses. She said she was turning off her phone and was going to read a marriage counseling book so she could figure things out, and come back and try to make things work. What she actually did, was fly to the country that Ethan lives in, and had sex with him for a week again.
But during all of these months, she had been telling him that her and I were separated, and she loved only him etc. etc. when in fact, she was still sleeping in the same bed as me, and we were still regularly performing marital duties together in said bed. This obviously upset him pretty badly. Things got really rough and complicated, with Liz breaking down because at that time, neither one of us wanted to be with her anymore.
Again, more back and forth for days, weeks, I don't' know what anymore. Then one night, Liz is on the phone with him, comes upstairs yelling. Turns out he's apparently tried to commit suicide with a bottle of liquor and a bunch of sleeping pills. So I got to stay on the phone with him, talking to him to keep him awake for an hour, while my wife tried to call emergency services in the other country. Not easy to do; emergency numbers don't work internationally. I think it was 1.5 hours before they showed up at his house. I'm still suspicious, because while during the call he couldn't so much as sit up, when the EMTs got there, he was able to walk to the door to let them in. He spent 4 hours in the hospital, then was released.
Since then, he's been regularly threatening to commit suicide, and when that didn't work (Liz told him she would call emergency services again), he threatened to come over here, and kill myself and the children. Yeah, real stable guy. He also tried to email local police in a moment of rage, to attempt to have the children taken away from Liz because of incestuous relationship. After he calmed down, I talked to him, and he tells me the email never went through. I talked to a lawyer just in case.
Fast forward to last Monday. she booked a ticket to go to be with him to "help him get better" because he's obviously batshit insane. Her therapist that she saw for the weeks leading up to this said from the sounds of it, he has borderline personality disorder. The flight, though, got canceled, so after a tearful goodbye to her children, whom I had since dropped off at a daycare (goddamn that shit is expensive), she called me and asked her to come pick her up from the airport, just as I had walked into work.
Then on Wednesday she went to leave again. She got to Chicago, then had a change of heart. She told me that she had felt again what we used to have, and she wanted to try to make things work, and if Ethan wanted to kill himself then she would call emergency services, then it's on him from then on out. She was going to fly back on the first available flight, the next morning. She was going to walk away from Ethan and come back to her family to try to make things work. Unfortunately, Ethan kept talking to her, threatening her with suicide/murder, and she succumbed. By the next day, she was anything but walking away from Ethan. That day, rinse and repeat. She said she wanted to make things work. Said she was going to walk away. I gave her another chance. The next day, last Friday, it was more of the same. She was worried that he would hurt himself and had to go help him.
All along, through this whole thing, she could never choose between one or the other. Because we both cared. What she wanted, was for one of us to make the decision for her. That's the story of her life. Avoiding anything that would require hard work or sacrifice. So, last Friday, I gave her what she wanted. I told her to go be with him, and that she didn't have to make the decision, because I made it for her.
For 3 months I tried to save our marriage. For 3 months she did what she could to prevent that from happening. For 3 months, I let her string me along with sex and false hope that there was still a chance of working things out. Looking back, I was completely blinded by emotion, not thinking even slightly clearly. Mostly because of the children.
So here I am today, working full time, taking care of the three children on my own now, and paying an extra $2000/month to put them in daycare while I work. So far I'm surviving. I don't know if I can do it long term. Hell, I don't know if I can afford the daycare once my savings run dry. I get the kids up in the morning, make their lunches, take them to daycare, work all day, pick them up, try to arrange skype with their mother, because they do miss her a great deal, make them dinner, then put them to bed. Then I spend another couple of hours in an empty, quiet house, trying to undo the damage the toddlers did before sitting down. So quiet, so alone. I guess I'm lonely.
Some side notes: They actually got a DNA test, which supposedly proves they're not actually related. I question this though; he could have swabbed anyone, because she wasn't there to see it. Also, why would he send a letter to a police department claiming incest, after he had gotten the DNA test results back? In short, I think he's got problems with lying as well.
Edit: adding this: For the first two months, not a soul knew besides myself, him and her. I stupidly held out hope that we could sort things out, and I didn't want that stigma of people knowing hanging over her if we did.
I try to find ways for the kids to skype with their mother once a day. This kind of sucks because it means that I can't let go, because I still love her dearly, so it's just more pain every day. Although, it feels like I'm the one who's driving it; I wonder that if I didn't bring it up to her, she would even care if we didn't do it.
Last time I talked to her I asked her if she's coming back. She said "I don't know"
TLDR: My wife left me last week to take an online affair with her half brother into reality. He attempted suicide once when she said she wasn't coming anymore, and I had to stay on the phone with him to keep him awake. She is now in another country with him, and doesn't know if she's ever coming back.
So that's it, for the most part. I'm sure I've left out parts; honestly the last few months have been a blur. 12 years, gone just like that. But I have the kids, and they are what matter most of all. They're the only reason I tried so hard for so long. But now, I have nothing left. I'm done.
212 comments submitted at 14:39:25 on Apr 8, 2014 by throwthistothewolves