Wife has left me and her 3 young children to take an online affair to real life, in another country, with her half brother. (self.offmychest)

{offmychest}

899 ups - 72 downs = 827 votes

Here's my story of woe. I'm hoping that sharing my story will help me start to get over its contents. Not sure if this is the right place to post it; if y'all have suggestions of a better sub, let me know which one. I've tried to fix formatting so it's less wall-o-text, to no avail, so apologies in advance.

TLDR for the lazy will be provided at the bottom.

Prologue: 12 years together, most of them married. It's fair to say that our relationship had been rough for a while. Neither one of us was taking care of the other properly, so looking back, I think that even if this hadn't happened, things would have gone south either way eventually.

So I'll get going now.

I had been suspicious that something was going on for a while, but didn't have proof, so even when i confronted her she denied it. Her answer was always "the only person I talk to is my half brother Ethan (name changed to protect the guilty and the innocent)". This is her estranged half brother whom their also estranged father had put together so they could get to know each other, because both had grown up as only children to different mothers. I've always thought that family is very important, so I encouraged her to talk to him. I think if I hadn't done that, then that conversation might never have started. I don't blame myself though, for those that might wonder. I'm fully aware that the fucked up situation that exists today is not a result of that encouragement. They chose to take it where they took it.

Over the months leading up to Christmas, she was on her phone constantly, typing away to someone. We had never hidden anything from each other before, but now she kept her phone locked, and never let it out of her sight. There were a few days (she was a stay at home mom) where I would come home and have to make the kids dinner because she hadn't planned anything, having instead sat on the couch chatting all day.

The morning of Christmas day, I had a dream. I dreamt that she was cheating on me. I woke up at 5.30am, and i knew that she was cheating on me because of that dream. So I logged into her email. I didn't hack it or anything; it used the same password as other things we share, because up until recently we hadn't been hiding things from each other at all, and I guess she hadn't thought about this one yet. In her email, I was blown away by what I found. Turns out it was true, the only person she was talking to was her brother, but that was the person she was having the affair with. I found a love letter from him to her, that she had requested from him explaining his feelings. Also I found naked pictures they had been sending to each other.

I was completely floored. In shock, maybe. But, it was Christmas day, and we had two Christmases to attend with different parts of the family that very day. Plus another one a couple of days later. I decided that, for the sake of the kids, I would not discuss it until after Christmas was done. I made it through that day, barely. Smile painted on my face while I pretended to be happy, so I could play with the kids and give them the Christmas they deserve. It was pure hell. The entire day, I felt like I was going to die.

That evening, I asked my wife a question. Something about her father. I guess deep down I knew it was force the start of the conversation, and sure enough, she would not let it go, and eventually I told her what I found. She STILL denied the whole thing, until I literally showed her the evidence that she knew full well existed.

A lot of yelling and crying occurred that night. Mostly because she feared I would take the kids away from her. I never had any intention of doing that, because I believe that children deserve a stable set of parents. I asked her to promise the following three things so we could give things another try, because she expressed a desire to try again:

Promise not to lie to me again Promise not to hide things from me again Promise to stop talking to Ethan

She told me that she could not promise any of those three. Despite this, completely overwhelmed by emotion and not thinking slightly clearly, I tried everything I could to re-ignite the spark so she would want to be with me again. I took someone's idea from here and made her bacon roses, because she's been on a low carb diet. She liked them, but looking back, I can see that it didn't make that much of an impact. For valentines, I bought a fancy breakfast from a nearby bakery so we could celebrate at home together. It's hard to go anywhere because of the kids. When I brought it home, she said she was going to the gym, and would eat her half when she got home. It wasn't until later that I realized that she was sabotaging every effort i made to try to reconcile.

So this went on, back and forth, for a while. There were "ok" days, and then there were bad days. Sadly, some of it flowed over to where the kids caught on, especially the oldest girl. I regret this most of all. I guess all said and done there were two months of this. After this, Ethan decided he wanted to talk to me. His intention was to try to convince me to let him live with her in the same town, so Liz (wife, again name changed) could live with her "soulmate" aka half brother, and still get to see her kids. I told her that I could not tolerate this, and my father stated that if that were to happen, then he would call local law and have them arrested for incest.

Anyway, he and I got on a skype call, with wife present, and that's when shit really hit the fan. Turns out that they had physically met in person twice, and had sex, for a week at a time. The first time happened back in January (when she said she was going to visit her family for her grandmother's birthday. I think she did attend the birthday, but was shacked up in a hotel for the rest of the week). The second time was back in March. She had asked me for a week to clear her head away from the family and all the stresses. She said she was turning off her phone and was going to read a marriage counseling book so she could figure things out, and come back and try to make things work. What she actually did, was fly to the country that Ethan lives in, and had sex with him for a week again.

But during all of these months, she had been telling him that her and I were separated, and she loved only him etc. etc. when in fact, she was still sleeping in the same bed as me, and we were still regularly performing marital duties together in said bed. This obviously upset him pretty badly. Things got really rough and complicated, with Liz breaking down because at that time, neither one of us wanted to be with her anymore.

Again, more back and forth for days, weeks, I don't' know what anymore. Then one night, Liz is on the phone with him, comes upstairs yelling. Turns out he's apparently tried to commit suicide with a bottle of liquor and a bunch of sleeping pills. So I got to stay on the phone with him, talking to him to keep him awake for an hour, while my wife tried to call emergency services in the other country. Not easy to do; emergency numbers don't work internationally. I think it was 1.5 hours before they showed up at his house. I'm still suspicious, because while during the call he couldn't so much as sit up, when the EMTs got there, he was able to walk to the door to let them in. He spent 4 hours in the hospital, then was released.

Since then, he's been regularly threatening to commit suicide, and when that didn't work (Liz told him she would call emergency services again), he threatened to come over here, and kill myself and the children. Yeah, real stable guy. He also tried to email local police in a moment of rage, to attempt to have the children taken away from Liz because of incestuous relationship. After he calmed down, I talked to him, and he tells me the email never went through. I talked to a lawyer just in case.

Fast forward to last Monday. she booked a ticket to go to be with him to "help him get better" because he's obviously batshit insane. Her therapist that she saw for the weeks leading up to this said from the sounds of it, he has borderline personality disorder. The flight, though, got canceled, so after a tearful goodbye to her children, whom I had since dropped off at a daycare (goddamn that shit is expensive), she called me and asked her to come pick her up from the airport, just as I had walked into work.

Then on Wednesday she went to leave again. She got to Chicago, then had a change of heart. She told me that she had felt again what we used to have, and she wanted to try to make things work, and if Ethan wanted to kill himself then she would call emergency services, then it's on him from then on out. She was going to fly back on the first available flight, the next morning. She was going to walk away from Ethan and come back to her family to try to make things work. Unfortunately, Ethan kept talking to her, threatening her with suicide/murder, and she succumbed. By the next day, she was anything but walking away from Ethan. That day, rinse and repeat. She said she wanted to make things work. Said she was going to walk away. I gave her another chance. The next day, last Friday, it was more of the same. She was worried that he would hurt himself and had to go help him.

All along, through this whole thing, she could never choose between one or the other. Because we both cared. What she wanted, was for one of us to make the decision for her. That's the story of her life. Avoiding anything that would require hard work or sacrifice. So, last Friday, I gave her what she wanted. I told her to go be with him, and that she didn't have to make the decision, because I made it for her.

For 3 months I tried to save our marriage. For 3 months she did what she could to prevent that from happening. For 3 months, I let her string me along with sex and false hope that there was still a chance of working things out. Looking back, I was completely blinded by emotion, not thinking even slightly clearly. Mostly because of the children.

So here I am today, working full time, taking care of the three children on my own now, and paying an extra $2000/month to put them in daycare while I work. So far I'm surviving. I don't know if I can do it long term. Hell, I don't know if I can afford the daycare once my savings run dry. I get the kids up in the morning, make their lunches, take them to daycare, work all day, pick them up, try to arrange skype with their mother, because they do miss her a great deal, make them dinner, then put them to bed. Then I spend another couple of hours in an empty, quiet house, trying to undo the damage the toddlers did before sitting down. So quiet, so alone. I guess I'm lonely.

Some side notes: They actually got a DNA test, which supposedly proves they're not actually related. I question this though; he could have swabbed anyone, because she wasn't there to see it. Also, why would he send a letter to a police department claiming incest, after he had gotten the DNA test results back? In short, I think he's got problems with lying as well.

Edit: adding this: For the first two months, not a soul knew besides myself, him and her. I stupidly held out hope that we could sort things out, and I didn't want that stigma of people knowing hanging over her if we did.

I try to find ways for the kids to skype with their mother once a day. This kind of sucks because it means that I can't let go, because I still love her dearly, so it's just more pain every day. Although, it feels like I'm the one who's driving it; I wonder that if I didn't bring it up to her, she would even care if we didn't do it.

Last time I talked to her I asked her if she's coming back. She said "I don't know"


TLDR: My wife left me last week to take an online affair with her half brother into reality. He attempted suicide once when she said she wasn't coming anymore, and I had to stay on the phone with him to keep him awake. She is now in another country with him, and doesn't know if she's ever coming back.


So that's it, for the most part. I'm sure I've left out parts; honestly the last few months have been a blur. 12 years, gone just like that. But I have the kids, and they are what matter most of all. They're the only reason I tried so hard for so long. But now, I have nothing left. I'm done.

212 comments submitted at 14:39:25 on Apr 8, 2014 by throwthistothewolves

  • [-]
  • Wordpervert
  • 335 Points
  • 16:18:44, 8 April

At this point you need to talk to a lawyer and get the paperwork rolling for full custody of your children, especially if they have passports! She has essentially abandoned them so it should be a very easy decision for a judge to grant you full custody.

You should do this even if you're still holding out hope of reconciliation because if/when she gets back she can easily take the children and play house with their uncle. I am sure you don't want him anywhere near your kids. The fucker has already threatened to harm them and your wife doesn't seem capable of making the correct decisions to protect them.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 144 Points
  • 16:46:15, 8 April

Thanks for the advice. I should have mentioned that I did get this done. It states joint legal custody and I hold primary physical custody.

  • [-]
  • huhwhawhat
  • 201 Points
  • 17:36:23, 8 April

I would really recommend going for full legal custody as well.

  • [-]
  • anillop
  • 68 Points
  • 20:31:26, 8 April

Yeah the courts wont look to favorably about abandoning you're kids to carry on an incestuous relationship with your brother in a foreign country.

  • [-]
  • Karate-Schnitzel
  • 12 Points
  • 20:02:19, 8 April

Depending on state, it will need some sort of documentation that she is a risk that shouldn't have joint custody. Typically judges will award joint custody then Physical Placement. As long as the spouse not with physical placement is not a threat to the health and safety of the kids (which is hard to prove if there is no threat like drug abuse, violent offenses, ect..)

  • [-]
  • huhwhawhat
  • 6 Points
  • 20:27:57, 8 April

In my state the judge will only award joint legal custody if both parents are in agreement that joint custody is what they want. If the parents don't both agree to joint custody, then the judge will pick one parent. In this situation, the judge would be insane to choose the mother, so OP would easily be granted sole legal custody. Bottom line, he needs an attorney, but this should be something he pursues.

  • [-]
  • velocide
  • 6 Points
  • 23:37:26, 8 April

there are many insane judges out there. Seriously.

  • [-]
  • huhwhawhat
  • 2 Points
  • 23:49:07, 8 April

Very true. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't fight for it. And he has a very strong case. Parenting time would be harder to take away from her, but I think he has a good shot at legal custody.

  • [-]
  • snallygaster
  • 1 Points
  • 08:10:50, 9 April

I doubt there are many insane enough to wave away proof of an incestuous relationship.

  • [-]
  • Get9
  • 6 Points
  • 01:15:21, 9 April

I'd say she is quite the risk, what with her choice of an affair being her half-brother who threatens suicide and murder. The brother, through her, is a danger to that family.

  • [-]
  • Trowaa
  • 19 Points
  • 18:24:00, 8 April

This, so very much this.

  • [-]
  • comedicallyobsessedd
  • 65 Points
  • 17:40:16, 8 April

What about legally requiring her to pay for the kids?

I know nothing about laws regarding this, but it doesn't seem right that you're having to foot all the expenses. You should talk to your lawyer about that. Even if she doesn't have a job now, maybe this will require her to get one.

She is no longer helping you with the children at all, this is costing you an extra $2000, and she is with someone who has threatened to murder them. I'm not sure a simple "joint custody" arrangement is all you need. Honestly at this point I would try to get full custody of them (I seriously would not trust them with her as she may let them around him, and it sounds like joint custody might allow that. Not really sure) and I would try to get child support out of her.

Again, it sounds like you have a lawyer, so talk to him or her about all of this, and I do mean ALL. They have to remain fairly confidential and it's in their best interests to look out for your best interests. They need to know the whole story.

Edit: Not to mention she just sounds completely unstable overall. Even if she leaves him, I would not be comfortable with her having any sort if control over my kids. She abandoned them easily, is with someone who threatened to kill them, and has made bad decisions all around. IMHO she should only be allowed to see the kids a your say so, possibly only with supervised visitation.

Please please please talk to a lawyer. Using the incest or the abandonment against her means that you would likely win. You definitely dont want her to try to turn this around on you later down the road. You need to look out for the safety of your children.

  • [-]
  • ktbird7
  • 12 Points
  • 18:01:11, 8 April

I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure that if she wasn't working before, she would not be expected to contribute financially once they're separated.

  • [-]
  • gracebatmonkey
  • 17 Points
  • 21:13:05, 8 April

Not true. Having not worked doesn't equal not being able to work. And, if she can't work, she will be encouraged by the court system to go on SSDI so the kids can get the dependents payment. OP needs to reinvolve an attorney.

  • [-]
  • justkate2
  • 5 Points
  • 07:49:39, 9 April

This. My insane ex-aunt left my Uncle, despite the fact that he'd taken care of her every whim and need for over a decade, because she was a raging alcoholic who refused to get help and had gotten violent with him, but never their son. When she left, she intended to get full custody for some horrific reason, but the judge told her absolutely not. They have joint custody BUT my Uncle has primary physical custody, so she's required to pay child support. She threw a fit because she wasn't working and "didn't know how" and thought that my Uncle should have to pay her more than she was already getting in alimony so that she could care for my cousin on the weekends... yeah, right. They'll make her work, especially since you have primary physical custody - this may mean that if you approach courts, you'll have to pay alimony, but she'll have to pay significantly more to you in child support for three kids.

  • [-]
  • comedicallyobsessedd
  • 12 Points
  • 18:08:25, 8 April

You may be right, and that would make sense.

I just hear about all these men complaining that they have to pay an unfair amour of child support that they can't afford, even when they don't have a job. I'm never sure whether they had better jobs originally and then lost them or what. I figured it was worth looking into just in case.

Also what if she does get a job for her own reasons? Then could she be required to pay a certain percentage?

Edit: It just seems weird to me that she might not be required to help out with the kids at all. I assume the previous trade off was that she didn't work because she was at least watching them. Now she doesnt even do that. I clearly don't know how the law works in these situations though.

  • [-]
  • gracebatmonkey
  • 6 Points
  • 21:11:44, 8 April

It does seem weird because you're being misinformed. If OP were to involve an attorney again to revisit the order, they would add support as a condition and probably revoke her custody.

  • [-]
  • cpacane
  • 4 Points
  • 02:31:45, 9 April

She still took care of the kids which prevented him from having to pay for daycare. Women say being a house mom is a job (which it most definitely is) and although it may not bring in money, it sure costs money to replace.

  • [-]
  • Chapsticklover
  • 2 Points
  • 21:22:09, 8 April

I think that only applies to alimony, not child support.

  • [-]
  • velocide
  • 2 Points
  • 23:38:39, 8 April

Switch genders with these two, and see if any of that makes a damn bit of sense. A non-working male spouse would absolutely be on the hook for child support in almost every case.

  • [-]
  • gracebatmonkey
  • 3 Points
  • 21:14:26, 8 April

I hope OP follows your plea. The children should not be at the mercy of someone so willing to introduce harm into their lives and walk away from their care, and an attorney really will be able to extract a better outcome if given full details and any proof.

  • [-]
  • Hillside_Strangler
  • 1 Points
  • 21:25:35, 8 April

Any attorney worth their salt will be able to obtain full legal custody for you in light of the circumstances.

  • [-]
  • Panzerdrek
  • 4 Points
  • 22:51:48, 8 April

Law doesn't just come down to how good your lawyer is.

  • [-]
  • quarkes
  • 1 Points
  • 05:37:18, 9 April

what he said.

  • [-]
  • zaneluke
  • 97 Points
  • 18:52:24, 8 April

I would start doing the skype every other day, then every third day and then every week.

I hate your wife.

  • [-]
  • DiscardAndDisco
  • 21 Points
  • 00:25:22, 9 April

I also hate your wife, OP. She's batshit.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 8 Points
  • 02:58:52, 9 April

A lot of people have suggested this, and I suggested something similar to my wife via email today when she asked if we were going to skype. She never responded.

  • [-]
  • Grymninja
  • 3 Points
  • 04:28:06, 9 April

Probably trying to avoid answering in the hopes that you'll forget about it.

  • [-]
  • zaneluke
  • 1 Points
  • 08:57:21, 9 April

You do not suggest something similar. YOU DO IT. She left you AND the kids t go FUCK another guy. She has zero bargaining power and zero say so in the matter. She gets whatever bones you throw her.

  • [-]
  • GirlRuuuules
  • 1 Points
  • 04:23:46, 9 April

Can I just say that this is a bad idea? Your children's relationship with their mother has nothing to do with your relationship with her, or your relationship with them.

They will resent you later in life if you try to distance them from her.

On the upside.... it sounds like she's going to destroy everything on her own. ... just don't be the reason they don't talk to her. They will grow up and find out on their own what kind of person she is and make their own decisions.... Nothing will change the fact that she's their mother.

  • [-]
  • GirlRuuuules
  • 12 Points
  • 04:30:11, 9 April

And can I just add...With the death threats and everything, I would never allow the kids to go with her or this man. Skype communication only. You are giving her a privilege of speaking to the kids...but she lost the privilege of ever taking them anywhere with this dude when he threatened their lives and she decided to stay with him. I would also get a restraining order against him.

  • [-]
  • Dicentrina
  • 2 Points
  • 06:36:59, 9 April

I'm in agreement. She is clearly not capable of making rational decisions. She could easily reason that she could leave them with him and who knows what the hell this nutfuck would do? Supervised visits with her only.

  • [-]
  • GreyFoxSolid
  • 9 Points
  • 04:50:57, 9 April

No no no. Fuck all of that. When they ask why they can't see mom anymore they are told it is because she went to be with the man who threatened to have them killed.

  • [-]
  • weaverster
  • 3 Points
  • 04:58:39, 9 April

Sometimes offmychest gets me so worked up about someone I don't even know.

Ughhhh i hate her so much

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 175 Points
  • 15:17:33, 8 April

It's amazing how someone can be crazy as 50 cats in a bag and treat a person like shit, and we can still have love for them.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 81 Points
  • 15:27:51, 8 April

yeah that's what blows my mind. He's literally threatened to murder her children, and have them taken away from her by protective services, but that wasn't enough to sway her. She's not in her right mind, and now that she's gone, I don't think she ever will be.

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 211 Points
  • 15:30:39, 8 April

Actually, I was talking about you. Don't you see how crazy she is and how crazy it is for you to still love her?

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 87 Points
  • 16:47:15, 8 April

haha, fair point. I'm typically a pretty logical person, but this has left me in a bad state, so my emotions have been running the show at times. You're absolutely right. I'm trying to let go. The daily skype sessions make it difficult, but I am starting to get the impression that if I didn't ask for them, she wouldn't either. Maybe it's time to let that go too, and let the children start forgetting her.

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 89 Points
  • 16:50:47, 8 April

Harden your heart to her. She is no longer the woman that you loved, just some lady capable of hurting your children.

  • [-]
  • VvrAase
  • 8 Points
  • 19:39:41, 8 April

The soil of a man's heart is... stonier Lois.

I'm sorry op. But unicornpeen is right

  • [-]
  • DualPollux
  • 44 Points
  • 17:01:22, 8 April

I understand you are supporting OP and good on you, but, Saferbot removed your comment on account of rule 2.

If you can edit I will restore it.

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 26 Points
  • 17:05:29, 8 April

Edited to remove possible sexist/misogynistic language.

  • [-]
  • DualPollux
  • 38 Points
  • 17:12:38, 8 April

Thank you and reapproved. :)

  • [-]
  • covmatty1
  • 34 Points
  • 21:36:22, 8 April

Wow, why aren't all moderators like you!?

  • [-]
  • Jollysaur
  • 3 Points
  • 06:17:10, 9 April

Because not all users are like you.

In my experience mods will react to the behavior of the users. So If you play nice so do we.

And of course we are all humans, and that means we sometimes just have bad days with lots of nasty messages in modmail that make us more grumpy than normal.

  • [-]
  • HP_civ
  • 16 Points
  • 21:15:59, 8 April

Good job, mods!

  • [-]
  • mamjjasond
  • 4 Points
  • 18:35:35, 8 April

That's your reaction to reading a story on the internet. In reality life is more complex than that.

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 13 Points
  • 18:41:48, 8 April

Sometimes we make certain aspects of life more complex than they should be. Simply stated the choice here is for a man to a) be sad and depressed that he was left by his spouse or b) carry on his life by protecting himself from her. Now there may be lots of subtle little nuances and you may argue that it's easier said than done, and both of those statements may be true, but he should choose the least harmful path for he and his children. That means hardening his heart and expelling her from the nucleus of their nuclear family.

  • [-]
  • FelixTease
  • 15 Points
  • 18:16:22, 8 April

Its not crazy for you to still love her. Love happens through good and bad. Right now its bad. If you were able to switch your feelings so easily it wouldnt be love. You two have a long history after all. The crazy would be allowing her to take advantage of that love..

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 4 Points
  • 03:00:10, 9 April

You're right. That's part of the reason why I basically told her that her and I had no future. If she stayed, she would have to have her own place, and share custody. It was then that she decided to go to him.

  • [-]
  • mademesmile
  • 1 Points
  • 10:23:43, 9 April

If it's any consolation, it isn't going to work out between the 'soulmates'
My husband did the same to me while pregnant with our 2nd. Except it was with a high school girl, after I moved to HIS country to be with him. I do understand how you still have feelings for her. They fade, I promise :) I was so ashamed, that I didn't tell anyone for months. I felt a huge sense of relief when I finally did. Holding it in was killing me inside. It didn't make the situation any better. I hope you are able to tell your and her families and can get some help with caring for the kids. Or try and join some single parents groups. It can be very therapeutic to talk to people who have been through the same thing.

But, it will get better. It takes a lot of time. Do your best to distract yourself and make the lives of your children better. Get out there it's spring and have some fun and make new memories :) Give yourself lots of time to heal and move on. You deserve better!

I personally think she will try and come back to you when the affair buzz, wears off. It is no longer forbidden. People are way more turned on being deceitful and sneaky. The reality never lives up to the fantasy. Do not take her back and don't let her have physical interaction or visits with the kids unsupervised. I think there is a possibility he will move back with her. He should never, ever be allowed around the kids after the threats he made. I know you wouldn't allow that. But, I don't put it past her to try. She can not be trusted in anyway. Don't except her bs or pleas as their Mother. Any woman who leaves her kids in that way to be with a man who threatened to kill them. Just can not be trusted. I don't care if she is their Mother. She has poor judgement and is not a responsible parent.

Shit, if I were you I'd sell the house and re-locate without her knowing. Maybe you could save some money that way. Normally, I would say to try and keep stability for the kids sake. But, their safety should come first. Forward her mail to her parents or something. I also hope you aren't enabling her anymore financially. Like paying for her multiple tickets to go see him. Or if she asks for a ticket to come home to see them. I know they want their Mom and that breaks my heart. But, it is up to her to enable herself for these things. She made her bed and lay in it with her half brother. Fuck her!

Like everyone else mentioned, get in contact with your lawyer. You need to get things updated. You should have full custody of them. I don't think you should cut the skype contact just yet. But, if she doesn't show interest or lets the kids down. Then I wouldn't hesitate to do so. Also, don't be so fucking polite to her in asking to change the skype dates or whatever. Just inform her you won't be able to make it at that time. You have all the power. If she cared about her kids, she would not of left them .

My inbox is always open if you want to vent! Single parenting is very hard. Get as much rest as you can. You will see the rewards on those smiling little faces :)

Edit: grammar

  • [-]
  • Wile-e-Cyote
  • 11 Points
  • 01:30:53, 9 April

You can start by weening you and your children off the daily Skype sessions. Reduce the Skype sessions to every other day and fill the time with your children by having a movie night or story time in its place.

I'm sorry for you loss my man. The marriage is dead. You have yet to go through all the phases of grief but you will get there.

I will give you one bit of advice and hope you hear me through your tattered emotional state. You can NEVER take this woman back, lest you and your children be put through this misery again. This I can promise you, she will be back when it falls apart with her lover/brother. What you have to know and accept is that she is not coming back to you or for you, it will only be a safety net for her. She will play the part as long as she needs to until she finds another way out. She has clearly moved on, you need to as well.

The sooner you can get to the acceptance phase of grieving, the better as it will bring focus back to your life to the benefit of you and especially your children.

  • [-]
  • fucema
  • 11 Points
  • 18:13:13, 8 April

Let her go. Please.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 5 Points
  • 03:00:18, 9 April

I'm trying

  • [-]
  • Howardzend
  • 3 Points
  • 21:24:19, 8 April

You're in a tough position. You are trying to do the right thing for your children even though it makes it so much harder for you. The kids won't forget her, they'll just end up hurt by her. Being abandoned by your mother...that's awful. But they will remember that you tried to do right by them even though it hurt you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You certainly didn't deserve this. No one could.

  • [-]
  • notAnAI_NoSiree
  • 12 Points
  • 16:36:16, 8 April

Exactly. Would you recommend your (ex-)wife as a partner to anyone? Then why to yourself?

  • [-]
  • Eponia
  • 32 Points
  • 16:35:42, 8 April

I totally got that you were talking about the OP, pretty sad he thought you were talking about his wife. Very telling about his mentality right now.

  • [-]
  • davethesquare
  • 4 Points
  • 17:01:08, 8 April

lol. she is really loony.

  • [-]
  • LCarpetron
  • 24 Points
  • 18:02:31, 8 April

He threatened to murder her children? Holy crap SCREW joint legal custody and primary physical custody, get full custody to protect your children from this crazy man. Your wife said that she was afraid of losing her kids, so I doubt she'd have any qualms about making him their new daddy. Do it now while you still have the upper hand.

  • [-]
  • charliebeanz
  • 8 Points
  • 22:24:45, 8 April

> He's literally threatened to murder her children

Did you ever do anything about this? I don't know what countries you guys are in. but the authorities need to be notified about him being batshit crazy. And if it's possible, I'd file for a restraining order, if you'd think it'd do any good. At least have a record of him threatening this, in case you need it. Could help with custody things too.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 3 Points
  • 01:38:38, 9 April

How did this not move her to see just how batshit this whole situation is?

  • [-]
  • charliebeanz
  • 4 Points
  • 05:55:22, 9 April

Because she's a fucking moron? I thought that was generally understood.

  • [-]
  • whatsmyredditname
  • 2 Points
  • 00:48:42, 9 April

Even if she had stayed she never would have been in her right mind.

  • [-]
  • lannisterstark
  • 2 Points
  • 17:51:00, 8 April

Heh.

  • [-]
  • takeitu
  • 58 Points
  • 18:15:37, 8 April

I have a feeling that when her relationship with her brother ends (because it will) you will take her back. That is what I find to be really sad. Don't take her back, she is the past and you don't owe her jack shit. Get sole custody, divorce her and cyt her out of yoir life completely. She is not fit to be a mom at all, who in their right mind would want tpo be with someone who threatens to kill their kids?

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 3 Points
  • 03:01:20, 9 April

You know I honestly can't say right now that I wouldn't. I feel like she is messed up in the head right now. she said a couple of times that maybe it's post partum depression. A tiny sliver of me wonders if she could seek help, then after months or years, we could reconcile and have our family again. But I'm trying so hard to stay strong.

  • [-]
  • Poor_cReddit
  • 6 Points
  • 06:07:17, 9 April

There you go again brother, thinking with your heart and not your head... She's not going to change because this is who she is. Sounds to me like she possibly has a personality disorder of some sort. I can't imagine this is the first time you've ever questioned her being faithful in your relationship.

  • [-]
  • WhitechapelPrime
  • 2 Points
  • 08:24:04, 9 April

Most people, in my limited experience, who actually suffer from depression don't make good decisions. She left you, you should never take her back. It's hard, but it'll more than likely be for the best. Oh and get a good life insurance plan that goes into a trust for the kids only. That way if the horrible happens to you she can't take college tuition, etc. from them.

  • [-]
  • We_Are_Legion
  • 1 Points
  • 11:12:43, 9 April

Please don't. Even science says it is extremely unlikely adults change in their personality. Even after years of effort. Your wife was always like this. And she may never change.

She does not deserve any sympathy. Nor any in-road back to your life. In fact, take it from me, women respect men with some sense of self-respect. And she subconsciously and rationally knows she deserves it. Hold your ground. Close your heart to her. Open it for the kids.

  • [-]
  • long_wang_big_balls
  • 55 Points
  • 16:30:54, 8 April

> I made it through that day, barely. Smile painted on my face while I pretended to be happy, so I could play with the kids and give them the Christmas they deserve. It was pure hell. The entire day, I felt like I was going to die.

Fuck. That.

You've put up with way too much shit, buddy. I sympathise. Seriously, just let her go. She may have been the mother figure, but she sounds like she may have impacted the kids negatively, anyway. Do the best you can for your children, and what you tell your kids later on down the line, is ultimately your choice.

I know this is all easier said then done, but there is no easy answer, or quick fix, other then it'll get better in time.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 17 Points
  • 16:54:03, 8 April

Thanks. This is what i'm trying to do now. I kept the secret for 2 months (see my addition to the side notes for explanation) and it nearly killed me. After I found out they had actually met physically, I laid it out for all to see.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 1 Points
  • 01:40:44, 9 April

How has the reaction been from all parties???

  • [-]
  • unicornpeen
  • 22 Points
  • 16:42:01, 8 April

Also, OP has no reason to keep her secrets and protect her image now that she has dipped on him. Do what you need to do for your children and yourself. If that means talking to your family and her family about the situation, don't pull any punches, just lay it all out on the table.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 28 Points
  • 16:53:20, 8 April

Yeah everyone knows now. Her family, my family, and even their estranged father. They broke the news to him that he may not actually be his father, so that's a whole different piece of drama going on.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 3 Points
  • 01:40:28, 9 April

If that's the basis of their insane relationship, I hope that they're wrong.

God knows how they came by that little theory, but they're betting awfully hard on it.

Incidentally, how did their estranged father take the news?

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 4 Points
  • 02:31:02, 9 April

Oh the relationship started long before they got the DNA test; along with the sex. All that happened while they were working under the impression that they were half siblings.

I'm not entirely sure how he's taken it. He has a job in yet another country where his only communication is email. I'll be letting him know tonight that his daughter is now with over there with Ethan.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 3 Points
  • 02:34:18, 9 April

If you're willing to, please do share how he responds to the news.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering how exactly he's feeling about what's happened between his two "kids."

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 2 Points
  • 02:55:17, 9 April

Yeah honestly I felt bad even burdening him with it, because he's stuck in another country, completely helpless to do anything. I'll let you know what, if anything, he says.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 1 Points
  • 04:13:41, 9 April

Fair enough. You know him better than I do.

From what I've read, he had something of a hand in the events.

He encouraged them to get to know each other.

Why?

From What's-his-name's behavior, I don't doubt for a second that he already had signs of instability. Some from your wife as well, but less so, given your stabilizing influence and her seemingly settled lifestyle.

Perhaps he had hoped that her relative stability would rub off on him. That would be unfortunate since the rubbing off went in the wrong direction.

But, regardless of the intent, he had a hand in them ever knowing each other.

Perhaps she would have been this way with someone else, but I get the feeling some deep-seated abandonment issues have a huge hand in her disgustingly motivated relationship.

I mean, fuck, man, they fucking did shit before the DNA tests came back. That's just all kinds of fucked up.

That doesn't come from healthy motivations.

  • [-]
  • crazykitty123
  • 25 Points
  • 15:49:32, 8 April

Yeah... that's a good reason to go be with someone - because they threaten suicide/murder. Real solid foundation there. All sarcasm aside, if he's as histrionic as this, with borderline personality disorder, she's probably going to get tired of it pretty quick. Not that you should take her back; just be satisfied in knowing that it'll likely fall apart for her.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 13 Points
  • 16:56:14, 8 April

I tried telling her this before she left. I told her that I think that the honeymoon will end pretty quickly, that they've both lied and threatened each other so much that they have masses of bad blood now that long term will affect them. I told her to come back just for the kids and not be with me if that's what it takes, but no go. She's blind to it all.

  • [-]
  • Grymninja
  • 2 Points
  • 10:56:54, 9 April

Why would you let her have the kids...

  • [-]
  • mydishonestheart
  • 23 Points
  • 15:53:22, 8 April

i am so sorry that you have to live those things. i admire you being functional person within all craziness. stay strong for your children.

maybe asking help from a family member for kids would help a bit.

for the main issue, you did the best for letting her go.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 10 Points
  • 16:54:42, 8 April

Thanks, all the family, mine and hers, know now, and it helps.

  • [-]
  • UnsatisfiedRoman
  • 23 Points
  • 15:56:52, 8 April

This lady is insane, be glad you got away. Take this opportunity to shelter your kids from her ways and get a divorce.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 12 Points
  • 16:58:38, 8 April

With the separation agreement in place, we're on our way to divorce. I guess it's all just paperwork and waiting now.

  • [-]
  • TWK128
  • 1 Points
  • 01:41:44, 9 April

And, just like that, the bullet speeds away in another direction.

  • [-]
  • MamaD_Cooks
  • 16 Points
  • 19:32:28, 8 April

Wow. I cant comprehend this. As for the daily skype sessions, can you move them to every other day? I understand the kids have every right to communicate with their mother, but even with parents who are divorced in the same state daily calls/skype sessions would be a bit much. You and your children need to establish a "new normal" so you and them can not only come to terms with what happened, but move on. If she wants to live in another country with a man who sounds mentally unstable and threatened to murder her children let her, but I think its unhealthy to have the kids waiting around for her. And its unhealthy for you. You are spending all day doing everything you can to keep up a stable environment for the kid while she goes and screws around with this psycho? Screw that. If she wants to be a part if their lives she needs to be physically closer. Not in that house though. You have gone above and beyond what is reasonable.

I know you love her, and you dont want your kids to be affected, but she should have thought about her kids before abandoning them. If she wanted to leave you thats one story...but leaving the country and leaving you to care for them 100% is wrong.

Im really sorry you are going through this. I would have so much rage.

  • [-]
  • pammylorel
  • 14 Points
  • 19:50:57, 8 April

I agree about the daily skyping. Your kids already know mom is gone, it's just creating more chaos in your life to have to do that every single day. Let her come back to the US, go through the courts, explain to a judge what her new life situation is and then get visitation. She is gone and I totally agree a "new normal" is needed. Just don't talk bad about her or her half-brother when the kids are around. They will know you're sad but don't drag them into the fray by letting them witness your anger.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 2 Points
  • 02:57:56, 9 April

Thanks for the words.

I've had rage, guilt, sadness and complete breakdowns over the last 3 months. I'm trying to keep my head up and move forward.

  • [-]
  • PunkJackal
  • 14 Points
  • 18:45:42, 8 April

Be ready for at least one of your children to manifest serious and difficult abandonment issues. As their father, you're going to have to be there for them to a seemingly irrational degree because their mother has chosen a crazy man over them.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 2 Points
  • 23:43:42, 8 April

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • PunkJackal
  • 3 Points
  • 00:22:53, 9 April

Everyone is different, and it might manifest differently. You might find your youngest clinging tightly to your leg whenever you go out in public, or your oldest might begin to push everyone away. You might be a bit late to picking your kids up from daycare only to find one throwing a disproportionate tantrum in response to your lateness. It might come up in their teen years as self harm or a difficulty connecting to their peers. It might come up in adulthood, or never at all.

As a kid, you internalize these kinds of things as a reflection of you. "Mommy left, she doesn't love me anymore, I must be bad," or some variation will probably be bouncing around their minds. It might not even be that concrete, more of an effuse feeling. It is super important now that you make sure these kids understand that this is NOT THEIR FAULT. Even then, they might not believe you.

Good luck, dude. Be ready to find a good therapist, both for you and your children.

  • [-]
  • I_hate_alot_a_lot
  • 26 Points
  • 16:41:34, 8 April

First of all, congrats on trying to do everything for your children first. Looking back, I had a friend who was put on the back burner by their parents and their toxic relationship and it was very hard for him to grow up into a functional human in society.

Second of all, your situation sucks ass. If someone tells you, "It's going to get better" then they are lying. It's going to be rough but if you did all that stuff for your children, I'm sure you can manage yourself just fine too. You seem like a mentally stable individual with a head on their shoulders. Survive! I mean really what you just said is stuff that you couldn't make up. Not in an episode of Game of Thrones or any other plot twist. If you did make it up for fake internet points or attention then congratulations because you can make very good stories.

Third, try to meet some ladies. I don't know what the divorce situation is like but even just small flirting or even smiling to females at work will put you in a better mood.

Fourth, that guy is not mentally stable. I've already said your stable. Your (ex) wife is going to realize this sooner or later. She'll come crawling back. You have to say no. I don't think she's the right one for you, and I think what she's done has damaged the relationship beyond repair. Her and her boyfriend/brother really thought they could just move in the same town together so she can still see her kids after he threatened to kill your children? No way.

Fifthly, if I were you I would never let your kids around him. Not even on a week trip or something. He threatened to kill you and your children. It'd be one thing if it was just you, but your children? Fuck that shit. That alone would make me hate the guy forever. People can say some pretty shitty things, but there's no way to come back from that.

6thly, keep your cool throughout the situation. You already said you have a lawyer and it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. I know you keep talking about your children and your wife and her boyfriend do not seem all the way there.

Lastly, hope things look up for you OP.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 8 Points
  • 17:07:32, 8 April

I truly wish I made this up, but unfortunately every word is true.

Thanks for the support. I'm trying to push through.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 13 Points
  • 16:49:49, 8 April

Thanks for the advice and the support. It's not been easy, and if she were to try to come crawling back I'd honestly be very hard pressed to say no, but I will make sure that those around me remind me of all the harm she's done to me and her children.

  • [-]
  • yourpaleblueeyes
  • 14 Points
  • 17:22:50, 8 April

These online affairs mostly fail in reality. Be SURE you know what you are going to do when she whines to come home. Remember she cannot be trusted but also remember she is the mother of the children. Having an attorney and piece of paper saying she deserted her children- giving you legal full custody- is a good thing. If ever she really wants back in the kids lives, you have to hold the upper hand. Prepare.

  • [-]
  • whatsmyredditname
  • 4 Points
  • 02:47:51, 9 April

I thought you might have to say no. You told your family and her family about this. Imagine the way people would treat you and your kids if she were back in the picture. No slumber parties, no birthday parties, no anything because shit like that gets around. As a parent I would be uncomfortable with our kids playing if you were with a woman like that.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 4 Points
  • 03:02:29, 9 April

You're right. My family won't come out and say it, because they want to support me in whatever decision I make, but I think they despise her and probably never want to see her face ever again.

  • [-]
  • lateralus420
  • 10 Points
  • 16:58:10, 8 April

I'd be worried about them trying to move back near the kids. They can't see that, they might think it's ok, what your wife is doing. Even though you'd clearly win custody in that case.

Then I'd be worried she'll never come back. Poor kids.

Either way is a crappy option. She should have never put her family in in the first place.

You seem like you put most of the blame on her half brother, but I see most of it as her fault. He had no commitment to keep your family together, she did.

As for the daycare cost- do you have any family that can watch the kids some afternoons? If not, a babysitter would be cheaper.

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 11 Points
  • 17:03:54, 8 April

I have no family available unfortunately, they all still work. The daycare was an emergency response, because I had under a week to find a way to take care of them so I could go back to work. I intend to investigate babysitters, but finding the right one that I can trust will take some time.

  • [-]
  • yourpaleblueeyes
  • 5 Points
  • 21:58:21, 8 April

A really good place to ask if through the children's school, if any of them are IN school, or if you know the parent's of ANY of your kids friends who seem normal.

Mothers/Fathers of youngsters have a plethora of info about babysitters, caregivers etc. - a lot of towns now have one or more online yahoo groups for parents in that community.

  • [-]
  • 2h8
  • 9 Points
  • 00:13:41, 9 April

LOL. Same here, my second wife did Absolutely the same 5 years ago, 3 kids, another country, only it was her cousin. It may be a trend.

  • [-]
  • dexbo
  • 7 Points
  • 14:46:20, 8 April

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be, and what you must feel like. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say that could help you feel better, but I wanted to recommend /r/relationships Perhaps you can find some useful advice there.

Good luck.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 8 Points
  • 14:58:46, 8 April

Thanks, I'll try that. Reddit won't let me post again yet because this is a brand new throwaway but I'll give it a shot later.

  • [-]
  • Sloanosaurus-Nick
  • 7 Points
  • 17:46:00, 8 April

I think the saddest part about all this is that what she's doing is ultimately going to end up damaging your children the most. I'm so sorry man.

  • [-]
  • mamjjasond
  • 7 Points
  • 18:37:03, 8 April

Your kids are very lucky to have you.

  • [-]
  • Finnyous
  • 7 Points
  • 19:44:37, 8 April

>because I believe that children deserve a stable set of parents.

And assuming that staying with her was suddenly going to maker her a stable parent was your mistake, as she's clearly proved.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 2 Points
  • 02:56:41, 9 April

fair point. I'm starting to see that now. I wasted months trying to fix something that is completely beyond repair.

  • [-]
  • yourpaleblueeyes
  • 13 Points
  • 17:17:56, 8 April

Not that it helps you in any way but the majority of these online affairs of the heart end badly - they do not survive reality.

Your wife may, sooner or later, want to return to you and her children, you have to think long and hard about how to deal with that, if it occurs.

You have your children, that's a blessing- I suggest you find Someone at a local church, social work agency to start finding support for youself. Someone who can guide you in finding financial aid if possible, an adult to talk to who can see the issue from an objective point of view.

Cuz you need a game plan. And you need it rather quickly it seems.

Please talk to someone. There is no shame in events that occur in our lives, the online love affair is SO COMMON and screws up families all the time. I am sorry it happened to you. Please don't beg her to come back. Make a plan. Cuz guess what? She doesn't just get to walk away and then come back after it all crashes around her.

Wishing you well. Get your pen and paper and start making a list of things you have to deal with and locate a social services agency. People are willing to help if you can locate them. If the children are in school, notify their teacher and principal about what has occurred.

They too can offer advice and be aware of changes in behavior. Reach out for help. In a case like this you Want word of mouth, there are a lot of good moms and dads who might offer emotional support.

  • [-]
  • winndixie
  • 5 Points
  • 19:25:21, 8 April

The half brother is a bad person.

  • [-]
  • Dr_Nikk
  • 8 Points
  • 21:38:00, 8 April

So is his soon to be ex-wife.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 2 Points
  • 02:58:23, 9 April

A very bad person. I"m honestly worried for her now, after all the threats he made against himself, her, me and the children.

  • [-]
  • buscoamigos
  • 3 Points
  • 07:03:53, 9 April

You can't save her, get that out of your head. Your marriage is over. Period. I understand that she is the mother of your children, but right now that doesn't mean much as she has chosen her fantasy life over being a mother. You need to go on the offensive, as has been recommended by many people and move to get full custody while documenting the things your wife is doing that is harmful to the children and the family. She will show up and try to patch things up with you and when you tell her no, she will become the victim who just wants her loving children. Don't be a fool, OP, you must be making your moves now. For you and the children.

  • [-]
  • Old_School_New_Age
  • 6 Points
  • 20:20:55, 8 April

Write the book. Sell the rights.

It might also help you work out some issues.

You're a good person. "When life gives you lemons..."

Good luck.

  • [-]
  • AmillyCalais
  • 5 Points
  • 20:27:46, 8 April

I was actually thinking the same thing. that unfortunately, op's life at the moment sounds straight out of a korean drama (or any drama for that matter)

  • [-]
  • Old_School_New_Age
  • 4 Points
  • 23:01:49, 8 April

My life experiences include mother's suicide at 36, father's fatal heart attack at 43, gf stabbed to death in the street a year later. I wouldn't trade with this guy fer nuthin'.

  • [-]
  • buscoamigos
  • 2 Points
  • 07:04:59, 9 April

Jesus I hope OP reads your comment and realizes just how grave this situation is to his children.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 3 Points
  • 02:55:34, 9 April

Thanks, I might try just that

  • [-]
  • Old_School_New_Age
  • 2 Points
  • 04:06:10, 9 April

I'll prepare a small bio. Seriously, best of luck, keep your chin up.

  • [-]
  • velocide
  • 5 Points
  • 23:36:04, 8 April

Wow, that's some pretty crazy stuff.

I think you have some good values, and focus, with regard to doing the best thing you can for your children. Stick on that.

Your wife did just about everything my ex did when she was cheating. It's pretty ironic that you look at how fucking insane their behavior is, and you feel like the situation is uniquely fucked up. When, in fact, many of these behaviors (denying it, even in the face of discovery of overwhelming evidence, lying to cover up continuation of the affair, etc) - are actually quite common among cheaters.

A lot of good advice down-thread; but I think that the BEST thing you can do for your children, is to take her to court immediately, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, and establish your parental rights. Since she has abandoned them, and is with someone who threatened to kill your kids, she should never have custody. AND, she should be responsible for paying child-support TO YOU. (that's your best-case scenario. Not likely to happen, but this is the goal you should shoot for).

Negotiate the best situation you can, as soon as possible, and try to get a judgement before she has time to cool-off and think things over. You don't want this person to come back, and parent and be an influence on your kids' lives, because she is a terrible, terrible mother, for taking-on this relationship with Ethan.

  • [-]
  • PrincessPi
  • 5 Points
  • 16:42:31, 8 April

I'm sorry you're going through that. Ridiculous how selfish she's been throughout all of this. You seem like a strong person, and you're fantastic for your kids. I admire that. Good luck with everything.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 7 Points
  • 16:50:56, 8 April

Thank you. It's been pure hell. For the first two months not a single person knew besides her, myself and him, because I held out hope that we could repair things, and I didn't want there to be that stigma hanging over her if we did figure things out. Looking back, I should have sought help from my family sooner.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 6 Points
  • 17:16:58, 8 April

Funny part is, she even admits that I'm a great dad. I think that actually made it easier for her to leave

  • [-]
  • PrincessPi
  • 15 Points
  • 18:02:17, 8 April

Sounds like she's trying to justify it to herself to alleviate her guilt.

  • [-]
  • ilikedirts
  • 6 Points
  • 23:00:01, 8 April

your wife is a monster.

  • [-]
  • PriyaAvaani
  • 4 Points
  • 16:50:00, 8 April

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I believe that both your wife and Ethan have some things to sort through. They're not in their right minds.... Who knows if they'll ever be. I'm glad you're surviving but feel sad that you're lonely. It'll be tough for a while. You've got three kids, focus on them and let them be your sanity and happiness.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 5 Points
  • 17:04:16, 8 April

That's what I'm trying to do... thank you :)

  • [-]
  • tsprado
  • 5 Points
  • 17:11:04, 8 April

Be strong, brother!

  • [-]
  • purplepepsidog
  • 4 Points
  • 17:32:26, 8 April

Wow. That really sucks. You sound like a great father. Please don't allow your kids around "Ethan" On top of his mental instability, it is NOT normal to carry on an affair with someone who shares the same father. While I'm sure you haven't passed that tidbit on to the kids, kids aren't dumb and eventually they'll hear it somewhere. At least if they're not allowed around him, when they find out, they'll know that you didn't condone that behaviour in any way. I agree with most others that this is going to blow up in her face. Likely (as per usual according to you) she'll take the easy route and try to get you back. I guess that will be up to you. But ask yourself this: how could you EVER trust her again? Could you live under constant stress that she will make bad decisions for the marriage, bad decision for herself and bad decisions for your kids?

  • [-]
  • Wicked81
  • 4 Points
  • 20:54:15, 8 April

First I want to say how sorry I am that she did this to you & her children. Secondly, I don't know what state you live in, but you may have a helpline (Called infoline in some states) that may be able to hook you up with lower cost daycare, or a subsidy to help pay for the daycare (personally, I wouldn't want to yank the kids out of a familiar daycare at this point unless they are really young). Sounds like you are fighting the good fight, for your kids. It's already been said, but she obviously isn't who you thought she was and he is fucking wacko. I think you did enough by talking to him on the phone during his "suicide" attempt and frankly, it sounds as if he is just manipulating her to get what he wants (but, we are adults here, and the "If you leave me I'll kill myself" shit is kinda played by now) and she is allowing it to happen. I can't offer you much more than support & a friend if you need one - feel free to message me if you need to talk.

  • [-]
  • GerhardtDH
  • 4 Points
  • 01:29:30, 9 April

God damn that's brutal. Forget this woman, find a chill ass babe and have her be the female role model for your children. Get a woman with a strong sense of honor.

  • [-]
  • texasusa
  • 7 Points
  • 17:13:47, 8 April

The way this will play.....in a month or year or two years....that relationship will be over and she will come crawling back. Do not take her back. She will beg and profess her undying love for you. You need to always remember this - once a cheater, always a cheater. You know...some things are really unforgivable. You need to find someone else. Don't get married again. Marriage does not make a relationship stronger, just more expensive to end it.

  • [-]
  • 0110011101110100
  • 6 Points
  • 21:40:34, 8 April

We are the same in several ways. First, both of our wives are self centered and bat-shit-crazy. Second, we love our kids and will tolerate anything, including our bat-shit-crazy wife's drama. With that being said, I hope that you realize that you are better off without her.

Let me give you some perspective. My wife is completely irresponsible and selfish. She does absolutely nothing to help me. She provides no money to the household and does nothing for the kids. I literally do everything just like you are doing everything. My problem is that I realized that I am just being used but I tolerate it for my daughters sake. Where I live, if there is a divorce then she automatically gets my daughter and I pay her. That goes against what I am trying to do, which is protect my daughter from her neglect. My wife would only take me daughter to both spite me and to make herself look good in front of her family. At this point, I would consider myself the luckiest man in the world if she just left me for some schmuck in another country. I already do everything and pay everything so there is no loss for me.

If I were you, I would do whatever you could to convince her to stay wherever she is because I guarantee that she will be coming back eventually looking for custody. Document everything..EVERYTHING..because you are going to need it if custody where you are is anything like where I am. Start weening your kids off of the daily skype sessions. They need her BS just as much as you do..which is not at all. You are busy enough, don't let this woman call the shots anymore. If she loved her kids then she wouldn't have chosen her psychotic brother over them. Lastly, time heals all wounds. Even the wounds from a psychopath. Take one day at a time.

  • [-]
  • yourpaleblueeyes
  • 6 Points
  • 21:51:15, 8 April

And I was just going to say to you,0110011101110100, to start to document Everything that your wife neglects to do in the home and for the child. You could, in time, amass enough negative info about her that the courts might not automatically give custody to your wife.

  • [-]
  • 0110011101110100
  • 8 Points
  • 21:56:44, 8 April

I do. I have a daily journal, receipts, statements. All my daughters teachers only have met me and all her friends parents only know me. I have pictures, videos and recordings of my wife flipping out and I have screenshots of nasty texts. My wife doesn't have one single document that she ever did anything for this household.

  • [-]
  • yourpaleblueeyes
  • 2 Points
  • 22:00:41, 8 April

Wise man. Sorry you got a 'bad egg' but, as a parent, kudos to you for sticking it out for the children's sake. I hope eventually you are able to be free of her and get your kids too!

  • [-]
  • Rose_Integrity
  • 2 Points
  • 01:37:51, 9 April

Well done. I hope these are all stored safely so that when she eventually finds put about them she doesn't rip the house apart and then destroy the evidence

  • [-]
  • lawyerguy
  • 3 Points
  • 17:38:14, 8 April

Wow it sounds like your wife has gone full insane, just like her half brother. Did you see any signs leading up to this? Was she "normal" before this?

  • [-]
  • KayBeezyy
  • 4 Points
  • 17:54:24, 8 April

If I wasn't so poor I would totally send you some money to help with your expenses :/

best of luck

  • [-]
  • leneuerpoczatek
  • 3 Points
  • 19:44:46, 8 April

You are an incredible person is the conclusion I take from reading that. I think you have dealt with a horrible situation near perfectly. Keep it up. A lesser man would have given up or lost to this situation already.

  • [-]
  • tropicalstormeric
  • 3 Points
  • 20:45:24, 8 April

No doubt you need to file for divorce and full custody. Such a sad situation. Also stop allowing her to take advantage of you.

  • [-]
  • NoDoThis
  • 3 Points
  • 21:21:20, 8 April

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You obviously have an incredible amount if strength (I'd be a puddle on the floor right now)- I hope that when things go south between she and her "brother", you are able to say no if she asks you to take her back. Not just for the kids, but for yourself as well. I'm so impressed with your ability to put the kids first, even while she jerked you around about leaving or staying. You sound like quite a catch tbh, I hope you can find someone who will appreciate that. Wishing you all the best!

  • [-]
  • shake1dde
  • 3 Points
  • 22:37:37, 8 April

I can sympathize, friend. Not saying I am in the same boat, but I know what it's like to battle for your wife's soul - sort of to speak, only to lose out in the end.

My wife too suffers from mental illness, and there was nothing I could do to "save" her. My therapist recommended something called COSA "co-dependents of sex addicts" and I fit in almost immediately.

Before every meeting we recite the 'serenity prayer' - from alcoholics anonymous.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

Once I started applying this to my life, things started to get better. I could not control my wife's sex addiction, her acting out with multiple people, and any of the other crazy stuff she did. In fact, in trying to control her - I made things worse. We are separated now, it is very difficult.

But the one good thing is that I'm now focusing on the things I can change. Me being the biggest. I am working towards no longer being codependent. And I'm getting better, life is getting better, one day at a time.

Good luck, friend.

  • [-]
  • inkypinkyblinkyclyde
  • 3 Points
  • 23:02:19, 8 April

I know that you have more than enough on your plate emotionally, financially, and otherwise, but please find time to research getting some counselling services for your children. They are lucky to have you as a stable force in their lives, and they will love you for it, but they will need help to get past this abandonment by their mother.

  • [-]
  • desmone1
  • 3 Points
  • 23:20:12, 8 April

I can't even begin to image how much this might hurt. It's a shitty situation but you did the right things trying your hardest to make it work. It takes a whole lot of courage to be heartbroken and still manage to be there for your kids and I can't commend you enough for that. I can tell that your a loving father and that your kids are lucky to have you.

  • [-]
  • 90blacktsiawd
  • 3 Points
  • 23:37:19, 8 April

I know this all sucks right now, but it will get better. From everything you've said Dont be surprised if one day she shows back up looking to get the family back as it "should" be. You need to be prepared for that and to send her on her way.

If you haven't already you need to change all your passwords, take care of any joint accounts you may have and change all the locks. You Dont want her draining your shared bank account, running you into debt on a joint cc or bringing that psycho into your house ever.

  • [-]
  • HOOTERS_REJECT
  • 4 Points
  • 00:11:51, 9 April

I didn't want to read and not comment. I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful man and I hope you can hang in there.

  • [-]
  • DiscardAndDisco
  • 3 Points
  • 00:29:29, 9 April

OP, your wife is the one allowing this man to invade and endanger your lives and lifestyle. Cut her off. Like everyone else says, I implore you to fight hard for full custody, child support, restraining orders, and documentation of everything. It is necessary.

If the brother does have borderline personality disorder, which this seems to be, you could be in danger anytime in the future. There's a good chance that the imposition won't just stop. Please, seek legal help, and counseling for yourself and your kids.

EDIT - wrong "your"

  • [-]
  • DastardlyGifts
  • 1 Points
  • 01:28:07, 9 April

However, like OP said, he can't let go of her and his kids miss her. OP wants kids to still be able to see/talk to their mother if I'm understanding this correctly. Full custody, restraining orders, etc. will only make the current skype situation worse IMO.

  • [-]
  • eicoolguy6
  • 3 Points
  • 00:54:14, 9 April

Having the name Ethan made reading this very weird.

  • [-]
  • ghoulishgirl
  • 3 Points
  • 01:29:17, 9 April

Just wanted to say that I read the whole thing. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her go, she has been mentally gone for quite some time.

It is going to be rough raising three children as a single parent, but you seem to really love your children and want what is best for them-so you are already head and shoulders above many people.

Keep your head up and good luck to you and your children in the future.

  • [-]
  • GirlWithACat
  • 4 Points
  • 02:52:41, 9 April

As a child of a very ugly divorce, thank you for thinking so much of your kids. One day many years down the road they will be able to thank you too.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 3 Points
  • 03:04:16, 9 April

I truly hope so. I'd honestly sacrifice myself right now if I thought it could guarantee a happy stable upbringing for them. That's one of the worst parts, I just can't imagine how she could leave her children behind. The mere thought of me having to leave them causes me pain deep in my gut

  • [-]
  • BabeOfBlasphemy
  • 2 Points
  • 07:49:57, 9 April

She doesnt feel that same gut pain because her vagina is more important than her kids... She's selfish as all hell and its not a temporary post partum thing, I'd bet my life there were MANY other selfish things about her prior to this. Better start focusing on that history and write it all down.

PS: I was pregnant with my second child when my husband had an affair. It was horrible but I survived and my life is WAY better without him. I didn't realize how much until AFTER I began dating someone again and seen what normal unselfish people do. .

  • [-]
  • ggg730
  • 5 Points
  • 19:30:18, 8 April

>Turns out he's apparently tried to commit suicide with a bottle of liquor and a bunch of sleeping pills. So I got to stay on the phone with him, talking to him to keep him awake for an hour, while my wife tried to call emergency services in the other country.

I would have straight up hung up on him. Good on you I guess.

  • [-]
  • SheepyMac
  • 2 Points
  • 17:27:53, 8 April

Gah, this was so hard to read because of what an awful situation it was/is. I think it speaks volumes what a wonderful husband you were (YOU tried to reconcile the relationship after SHE defiled it, etc).

Honestly, I don't know whether to feel angry or sad about your wife. The guy really has her wrapped around his finger. He even showed very clear psychological abuse. I truly feel like their relationship seems very unhealthy and potentially dangerous.

That is why you might want to distance the kids from them. It's good that they are so far away though.

  • [-]
  • 19thcenturywhiteman
  • 2 Points
  • 17:28:07, 8 April

Wow. I feel so sorry for you bro. So much fucked up in this situation. I think the cherry on top though is that she's fucking her brother. Wow. I'm glad you got physical custody.

  • [-]
  • numerounoabuelo
  • 2 Points
  • 17:34:16, 8 April

Sorry OP, hope typing it out helped and showed how truly fucked in the head she is. You don't need that kind of craziness around your child. Now you go and the best damn dad you can be!

  • [-]
  • trezegol
  • 2 Points
  • 17:46:54, 8 April

Im really sorry for your story, You do sound like a great dad. If you'd like to shed some of the loneliness, I would love to chat a bit, even though I'm probably thousand of miles away. PM me if you want.

  • [-]
  • MrGulio
  • 2 Points
  • 00:08:49, 9 April

I hope you've been in contact with a lawyer and are trying to secure full custody as well as child support from her right now. His threat on the lives of your children is inexcusable and you definitely need to give any evidence of him making this threat to your lawyer.

I'm not sure if you're in the US or not but from what I've seen in situations that have happened to friends and family members, the family courts here have a pretty strong bias for the mother. If I were in your shoes I would be laying the most solid ground work possible now to try to mitigate any bias you may encounter.

  • [-]
  • crimsonazuresun
  • 2 Points
  • 00:14:54, 9 April

My gosh. I commend you for hanging in there for the kids sake. At least they have one solid parent to rely on. Do you have any family that can help you out with the kids while you are at work so you can hang on to what is left of your savings?

  • [-]
  • reformedman
  • 3 Points
  • 00:41:03, 9 April

Talk to social services.. if you're the legal guardian and she refuses child support, they'll take it out of her paychecks. Do what's in the kids best interests.

  • [-]
  • synfulyxinsane
  • 2 Points
  • 01:17:01, 9 April

Best of luck to you.

  • [-]
  • poppinwheelies
  • 2 Points
  • 01:38:36, 9 April

From a legal standpoint regarding the divorce and custody, document EVERYTHING. Save all emails, make note of all Skype calls, conversations etc.

  • [-]
  • brennaisafreak
  • 2 Points
  • 01:53:19, 9 April

Your wife sounds like she got sucked into a super abusive relationship that will only increase in toxicity. What this ethan character is doing appears to be a textbook abusive, toxic, relationship where he makes the other person feel worthless all the time and then guilts her into staying with him in anyway he can. This Ethan guy sounds very, very dangerous by your account.

  • [-]
  • Cwboyjon28
  • 2 Points
  • 01:54:43, 9 April

With all jokes aside, Dr Phil could probably help. You could probably get something for free too.

  • [-]
  • MamaCita0516
  • 2 Points
  • 03:46:25, 9 April

Man. I'm not even going to get into all that bad stuff but I would say I would so help you with your kids were you residing in the same state as I. I have 2 kids so they would have playmates.. again. Sorry and my heart goes out to you and your lil ones..

  • [-]
  • Rienuaa
  • 2 Points
  • 04:22:11, 9 April

Oh man... If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm definitely willing to listen.

I'm so sorry.

  • [-]
  • tegretolstarter
  • 2 Points
  • 04:50:36, 9 April

Not much I can say that hasn't already been stated but just wanted to express support and sympathy... I am so sorry you're going through this. I really hope your family is sticking by you.

Best of luck, truly.

  • [-]
  • Yare_Owns
  • 2 Points
  • 06:06:17, 9 April

If somebody is going to throw a suicide tantrum whenever they don't get their destructive way, maybe... don't talk them out of it.

You need to protect your children from these two crazies, like yesterday. File for full custody and also file a restraining order against your wife. Stop the skype calls, too.

Your kids will be better off.

  • [-]
  • moonyenoom
  • 2 Points
  • 06:06:27, 9 April

I'm impressed you tried to work it out.

However, this half brother is obviously a manipulative and messed up guy. He obviously got into your wife's head and (just like an abuser can) convinced/ manipulated her into doing exactly what he wanted. I don't think there anything you can really do unless you call someone to get her out of this unhealthy relationship. She doesn't need to be back in your life either though.

Good luck and stay strong.

  • [-]
  • doodybeard
  • 2 Points
  • 06:37:07, 9 April

I'm so sorry, thats terrible.

  • [-]
  • mrgostwriter
  • 2 Points
  • 07:09:15, 9 April

Much love to you man. I know your soul is torn to shreds. If you find yourself in hell, and you are, keep going.

  • [-]
  • dolphinesque
  • 2 Points
  • 08:04:07, 9 April

I just wanted to say you sound like a amazing father. This is all temporary and will pass, and things will settle down for you and your kids. Your ex-wife will be back in the picture at soon as her pretty online fantasies are shattered by the reality of being with a man who is that far off the rails. When she does leave Ethan, I wouldn't let her live with you, even if you want to reconcile. She needs extensive therapy first.

This situation is messy, but it WILL pass. You are doing an amazing job under tough circumstances. My father raised my brother and I, and I am finally old enough to tell him all the time how much I appreciate all he did for us.

Good luck - you'll get through this!

  • [-]
  • papafrog
  • 2 Points
  • 08:24:36, 9 April

You need to fire your craptastic lawyer and find one that will, as many have pointed out, move to get you full custody, child support, and a restraining order. Why he hasn't so much as suggested any of these is grounds enough to fire. Find an aggressive attorney. Now.

  • [-]
  • JohnBoyAndBilly
  • 3 Points
  • 18:52:05, 8 April

What in the holy fuck dude. I'm sorry. Good God, find yourself the woman you deserve, not one that up and abandons her family to fuck her brother. She's as bat-shit insane as he is.

  • [-]
  • lectrick
  • 3 Points
  • 21:45:34, 8 April

Are you OK?

I believe you're going to be, but I want to know if you are OK.

Humans sure are capable of some surprising, shocking things.

Note: She may have been working against (with?) genetic sexual attraction which is both very real and usually very inappropriate to norms

  • [-]
  • AnnieBananny
  • 2 Points
  • 21:23:51, 8 April

I just wanted to pop in here to represent for those with Borderline Personality Disorder who are dealing with their symptoms. With treatment, the most successful being DBT, patients with BPD can be in remission within a few years.

I encourage anyone who is wondering if they have BPD, or any kind of personality disorder to seek therapeutic guidance. It can be difficult to find a good therapist, whom you trust completely, but once you do, you'll learn that therapy gets a pretty bad rap in the States and will affect your life positively in huge ways.

I have been able to maintain a stable, adult relationship even in my second year of treatment, which is something I legitimately wondered if I would ever be able to experience. If handled correctly, BPD can be a superpower--the emotionality and intensity of personality can lead to an incredibly creative, fun, vivacious, and empathetic lifestyle.

If you want to know more feel free to PM me.

  • [-]
  • persephone44
  • 1 Points
  • 02:30:24, 9 April

He threatened to murder not only OP but his KIDS! Sorry but there is no going back from that. Mental illness does NOT excuse threatening to murder children! If you think that its ok or excusable perhaps you need more therapy.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 18:21:10, 8 April

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • DualPollux
  • 1 Points
  • 18:25:53, 8 April

Comment removed: Rule 1.

  • [-]
  • LastOne314159
  • 1 Points
  • 18:43:38, 8 April

sorry.

  • [-]
  • HunterReddeh
  • 1 Points
  • 18:31:19, 8 April

You should be an author or a rapper or something. Shit that was intense to listen to. My condolences. Good luck, pal.

  • [-]
  • snakeskinny
  • 1 Points
  • 18:49:36, 8 April

I'd also xpost this to r/relationships

  • [-]
  • LinkFixerBotSnr
  • 2 Points
  • 18:49:50, 8 April

/r/relationships


^report ^a ^problem ^| ^delete ^comment ^| ^source ^code ^| ^contact ^developer

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 23:33:52, 8 April

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • redtalker
  • 6 Points
  • 23:42:49, 8 April

lol no

  • [-]
  • masturjosh217
  • 1 Points
  • 01:45:25, 9 April

Best of luck with all of this man. I wish I could say more, but hang in there. Try to find another job if you can, if not apply for some loans temporarily. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

  • [-]
  • EndoliteMatrix
  • 2 Points
  • 02:38:04, 9 April

I'm sorry that I don't have too much to input. I'm also unruly tired, right now.

I know it's hard, when your heart is in a place your minds knows it shouldn't be. But with 3 deep breaths, and an analysis greatly helps.

This is what works for me.

Step outside yourself, and asses yourself.

Apply the rational thought process of your scenario, and while it won't make the pain go away, it will at least make it subside.

Your marriage... Excellent for over a decade - Check

Your wife begins acting shady, insinuating thoughts she may be cheating - check

Is sexting, and having sex with her half-brother - check

You are playing the role of moderator between crazy half-brother, and your now delerious wife - check.

You still have feelings for your wife - check.

Look at all of those. Truly understand how the cons outweigh any pros in this particular situation, and use that as a physical standard for moving forward in your life.

You said it yourself. It's about you and your kids.

Your kids need to understand as well, that what their mother did was illegal, and in her interests. Not yours, or theirs. So she could get a fix.

Instead of reliving all of this and letting it be pent up into major storms of animosity, take that energy and put it towards getting things done. More time for you and the kids. Less skype talk.

Your ex-wife should be weened out of the picture. She made a decision that doesn't allow her to see her kids, because of an infatuation. Dismissing obligations to fulfill desire is NEVER okay.

You seem like you got a good head on your shoulders, but even any wise man can have their hearts cloud the visions of the mind.

Will you continue to love her? Yes. Recgonize that. Do you know you need to move on for the interests of yourself and your children? - yes. Grab hold of that and make that priority one.

I want to say "simple as that", but it's never that simple. Just remind yourself until it becomes part of your operating standard. Tht way you can get back to living a life again.

Recgonize this is her fault, but don't turn that into hate. Turn it into the bullet you dodged.

Don't resent, progress.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 2 Points
  • 02:52:43, 9 April

Thanks. This helps. It's what I'm trying to do, but it's so hard. Honestly I'm starting to get a little worried about her safety. The guy is obviously insane, and the few times I have talked to her via chat/email, it's like I'm talking to someone else (i.e. him)

  • [-]
  • EndoliteMatrix
  • 2 Points
  • 02:57:28, 9 April

I have an issue with putting others priorities above mine.. Especially in a recent stint I had with someone. However, at one point, I came to an epiphany. She's a human being. She has made a decision that does not include your life. Worry about her saftey is normal, but you cannot let it plague your life. You simply can't. That worry will manifest into other issues... ESPECIALLY since her safety is out of YOUR control. You're used to being the guy who is physically available to fix the problem. Unfortunately. That is no longer the case. Her fault. Not yours. Re-read how that applies above.

In this instance you do have to simply say - She is her own person. That person made this choice. I will not suffer for the decisions that she has made in her life, when aspects of it impact me enough already.

  • [-]
  • throwthistothewolves
  • 1 Points
  • 03:05:04, 9 April

you're right. thank you, I will try to keep this in mind with a clear head

  • [-]
  • EndoliteMatrix
  • 2 Points
  • 03:10:13, 9 April

Don't get upset or anxious. Once you recognize that deep thought drives negative emotions then do those 3 deep breaths and start weighing out the con's.

As bat shit as she is, I can still sympathize the internal desire to want to run to her when she's in trouble. But you caused none of this, so the only out come of your assistance is perpetuated pain, and hopefulness that you can fix something unfixable.

"Dont try to scratch a diamond with sharpened steel. You'll need another diamond to get the job done"