We've been engaged 7 months, but my girlfriend won't let me move in. Is this normal? (self.sex)

{sex}

23 ups - 13 downs = 10 votes

I'm 37 and she's 30. Dated casually for about 8 years total. She moved away, had a child because of a health scare, ended up the guy kicked her out as soon as she had the baby. We started dating casually again when her son was 1, and seriously for about 1 1/2 years now. We've been engaged 7 months (her son is now 3 years, 3 months old)

Solely due to finances (I have my own business, ran into some tax issues with the economy, working to get straight will take a couple years total) we can't have the nice wedding she wants until Sept. 2015. (she refuses to have a courthouse wedding).

I work long hard hours, and pay part of (her) household bills, and exclusively pay for any joint outings. Her son and I get along great. He and I want me to be there when he goes to bed and when he wakes up, and to take him to pre-school.

My job is stressful, paying for all of this is even more so. I don't have my own place, she does. I don't feel welcome where I stay. I want to come home, spend time with my family (which I've never really had a family before) and fall asleep next to my fiancée after a long day.

I especially feel since I provide for the household, and even after working 60 to 80 hours a week I come home and do nearly all of the chores (dishes, laundry, straightening up after a 3 year old, etc) that I should actually be able to live in the household I pay for.

At first her excuse was that she didn't want to have sex until we were married. And that sleeping together (staying the night) would lead to sex. We had fooled around a lot, but hadn't had tab a into slot b sex yet. Which I was willing to live with, even though she certainly had had pre-martial sex with several partners, including 2 former fiancees. Both I could appreciate where she was coming from.

Then out of the blue one night, she decides to have sex (with me LOL) and multiple times since. This wasn't based on any pressure from me.

Now she says that people shouldn't live together before marriage. And that I shouldn't keep pressuring her. That she gave me sex, so I should just be happy with that.

It really is draining on me emotionally, because again, I provide for this househould, I don't feel comfortable where I stay, her son wants me there, I don't want to miss out on the next year and a half (or more) of his life until we get married.

So, am I wrong for being upset, and pressuring her. Or is she right, that people shouldn't live together before marriage? What can I do to convince her?

12 comments submitted at 12:25:21 on Apr 15, 2014 by sexhelp911

  • [-]
  • nj_2_4_fun
  • 71 Points
  • 13:59:13, 15 April

This post really has no place in /r/sex and is better suited in /r/relationships. With that being said, I'm going to give you some very uncomfortable news.

You're being used for your money. The reason she started fucking you is because somewhere in her tiny brain she felt some guilt about taking your money. Everything you've mentioned are clear cut proof that she's using you. She'll never marry you. You can't see it because you're in the middle of it.

Read what you wrote. Read it three or four times. Keep reading it until you truly understand what you wrote.

  • [-]
  • iliketoboogie
  • 12 Points
  • 14:47:35, 15 April

>You're being used for your money. The reason she started fucking you is because somewhere in her tiny brain she felt some guilt about taking your money. Everything you've mentioned are clear cut proof that she's using you. She'll never marry you. You can't see it because you're in the middle of it.

This. Another red flag is that she had two fiances before, did she live with them? It seems she is pulling you along for your money. It is not fair for you.

  • [-]
  • Chili_Palmer
  • 10 Points
  • 15:16:36, 15 April

As a potential alternative, read carefully what he wrote about himself - specifically the following points:

-Solely due to finances (I have my own business, ran into some tax issues with the economy, working to get straight will take a couple years total) we can't have the nice wedding she wants until Sept. 2015.

-I don't have my own place, she does.

Now, perhaps you're both bang on, and she is indeed using him for money. But consider the alternative, that he helps her with bills as her fiancee, but she owns this home by herself, for her and her child. In her position, you might be thinking about yourself and your child's welfare, especially if those two past fiancees happened to be deadbeats.

Consider:

-If he moves in, eventually they become commonlaw, and he is entitled to a part of the home they share. He could force the sale of the home if they ever broke up and take half its value.

-He will not be responsible for child support as it is not his child, and she likely would not get much for alimony.

-His finances are not in order, he has had self-admitted tax trouble that will take him years (his words) to get out of, and has to work 60-80 hours a week at this business just to make a viable income to help support this "family" he thinks he is already entitled to.

Pal, I hate to be the one that has to tell you this, but you are an extreme risk for this woman to shack up with. Marrying you will affect her finances and credit score negatively. I'm guessing she knows it, and just doesn't have the heart to tell you.

Why the wedding has to be in 2015? Probably because she likes you, and is hoping you can sort out your finances and become a reliable partner to raise her child with.

But based on everything I've read, her worst case scenario is you moving in, your business failing, and now she is forced to sell her home to help cover YOUR debts that you brought with you into this relationship.

Try to see it from her side, that's all I'm saying.

  • [-]
  • P_Fo
  • 4 Points
  • 16:18:11, 15 April

> In her position, you might be thinking about yourself and your child's welfare, especially if those two past fiancees happened to be deadbeats.

Sure, but if she doesn't trust this guy, she shouldn't agree to marry him.

> If he moves in, eventually they become commonlaw, and he is entitled to a part of the home they share.

There are only a handful of US states that recognize common law marriages. And, eventually, she agreed to get hitch so this point is kind of moot.

> has to work 60-80 hours a week at this business just to make a viable income

Most entrepreneurs put these kinds of hours in. You can't run a business without putting these kinds of hours in.

> Marrying you will affect her finances and credit score negatively.

Funny that she agreed to marry him at all, then.

  • [-]
  • sexhelp911
  • 3 Points
  • 15:27:10, 15 April

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

  • [-]
  • solidad
  • 16 Points
  • 12:52:08, 15 April

> Now she says that people shouldn't live together before marriage. And that I shouldn't keep pressuring her. That she gave me sex, so I should just be happy with that.

That really puts up a red flag for me. Getting to know how people act when they are living together for extended periods is a very important thing to consider before marriage (at least in my opinion). Sex is one thing (in terms of sex being sacred or special to some people) but co-habitation is something that should be heavily considered because you get to figure out how the two of you handle situations together. Plus you also both let your guards down and see eachother more in a "normal" light.

> So, am I wrong for being upset, and pressuring her. Or is she right, that people shouldn't live together before marriage? What can I do to convince her?

Not at all. You are paying for resources that you aren't using (at the very least). You are missing out on her son's development that you feel obligated to be a part of (which many women would probably call you a saint for wanting that involvement since he sin't your child by blood).

The not being comfortable at her place reminds me of my own life with an ex. I always felt liek a "guest" and not part of a family. It was because of that I ended up ending that relationship (among some other things).

I am scared that if you did wait until marriage that you will discover something about her that you have a really hard time dealing with. I don't know what it could be, but you would be surprised what things can be hard to accept when you feel stuck because of your marriage. I wish I could tell you how to convince her that living together (at least for a little while) would help.

  • [-]
  • sexhelp911
  • 1 Points
  • 15:26:58, 15 April

Thank you for your well written response!

  • [-]
  • LeMoN_AAAH
  • 7 Points
  • 16:21:42, 15 April

One option, get married now in a simple service not at a courtshouse and then do the big reaffirmation service and reception in 2015 when it can be afforded. This would allow you to go ahead and be living together.

Do you have a lot of debt that she is not wanting to inherit?

I do feel she is giving you a few red flags though. When you truly want to be with someone the stipulations she's giving you wouldn't be there. You should not be paying for her bills at all. How did she manage before you came into the picture?

Sex is so important in a relationship and should not be used as a bargaining tool. I feel she is doing that to you. Giving you just enough to keep you around.

I'm sure she cares about you but she's also got a track record of two failed engagements. It seems like she likes to have the promise of a committment without truly committing her self in the long run.

If you were to take the fact that she has a child (that you care about) out of the equation would you still want this woman in your life? I think you may be holding on to something that is not really there because of the child. While that's noble you should seperate that from your relationship with her.

There is the saying, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission."

  • [-]
  • danceydancetime
  • 1 Points
  • 18:25:24, 15 April

Dude, be careful. Stop paying bills at her house if you don't live there. You're engaged, and you are both in your thirties. If you were in your 20s, I could understand the whole "don't live together if you're not married" thing, but come on. She's had sex, you've had sex, you're adults.

Sex isn't a currency. Her giving you sex isn't the same as living together. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to live with you, y'know?

  • [-]
  • DesertBreeze
  • 1 Points
  • 18:32:04, 15 April

I just went and read your previous posts... You really should reexamine the relationship.

It completely looks like she is using you because you are safe for her right now. She gets some financial help so that she can continue her classes, she doesn't help with household chores, she says you are too needy, and she is straight up cruel to you when she complains about your penis size.

What exactly do you get out of the relationship from her, other than the bond you have with her son?

  • [-]
  • Anteaterdance
  • 3 Points
  • 18:09:29, 15 April

So there were two other guys in your position in the past (engaged to her). What happened to them?

  • [-]
  • RussellLawliet
  • -1 Points
  • 12:30:40, 15 April

I wouldn't say you're wrong to be upset, but unfortunately there's not much you can do outside of just plain convincing her, and you'd know how to do that better than me.