My daughter is coming to me to help me find her a husband. (self.AskMen)
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Hello reddit, I have been part of the community for a long time.
I am a father of two daughters, and we are from India. My daughters were both born and raised here however. Parenting in America was not really easy on me or my daughters. There is such a clash of cultures and values that I didn’t know what exactly to do as a father.
I did my best to preserve as much of our culture as we could, I had them take Hindi classes, my daughters both loved to partake in Indian dances, and they both excelled in school. But when my eldest daughter started her college education things started to change. She went to a school out of state, and really partook in the entire American culture. She was asking for money for books when in reality she was spending it on partying and clothes. I only found out about this because of my youngest, whom showed me through Facebook. I told her this was not how I raised her or the person I wanted her to become. We argued a lot, my wife and I essentially gave up on our side. We wanted to preserve our relationship with our daughter, so we took a hands off approach.
I don’t know if American culture might be okay, I only grew up on what I know to be our way of life. So we as a family just ignored that of our daughter, her new boyfriends. I would continue to pay for her college and necessities but if she wanted to exceed and buy money for clothes it would be through a job of her own. Prior to this, money was never a problem in our household. If my children ever needed anything, they just had to ask.
When our youngest started going to school, we feared she too would be radically Americanized. However, that wasn’t the case she got involved in the Indian Community on campus. During her second year of college, she told us she he had a boyfriend, we ended up meeting him and his parents. Though he wasn’t in our caste, he was Indian as well had a similar upbringing and similar values. After college we approved of them getting married.
My eldest, ended up getting a job in California and didn’t speak to us much in general. My wife was the one whom always had the closest relationship with our daughter but after my daughter’s rebellion my wife stopped talking to her. I ended up being the one who would call and keep in touch with our daughter. She didn’t want much to do with us.
As time went on my youngest daughter and her husband recently had their first child. For the celebration my daughter came to visit us. She stayed for about a week, and we bonded together as a family. Soon after she got went back, she was skyping with me and her sister.
Me and her have been talking far more now than ever before which I am truly grateful for. She has mentioned to me now that she would like me to find a guy for her, or someone that fills the traditional Indian role. A part of me was really happy to hear this, but as I discussed this further with my wife I don’t think it is in her best interest.
To us, happiness in life comes from excelling in our careers and education, marrying a spouse with similar values, and having children, for us there was no fleeting romance, our fiery lust. There has a been a deep love over time between me and my wife, but not quite like the American way of doing things. Over time we have grown more accepting and understanding of the culture, and we have come to terms with our daughter’s decisions.
I don’t think our daughter would be a suitable person for this type of marriage. She has already had plenty of relationships, and If I had to bet she has had sex. She loves to socialize, drink, go to bars. I don’t doubt that there is a guy out there that she could end up with, however I don’t think I will be one to find such a guy in the traditional Indian community.
This leads to my dilemma. My daughter has requested, that I help her look but what exactly do I tell her? I know it took a lot coming to me, to ask for dating helps. I don’t want to reject her in a way that will distance her from our family, but at the same time I don’t want her to get into a life that isn’t going to be enough for her. And I personally don’t feel comfortable expunging details about her past to a future partner. At least for marriage, if a man or a woman has drunk alcohol or touched chicken, can cause all sorts of problems when going through marriage. It's not to say that there aren't Indian men, that don't share Western Values, but they often aren't the ones looking for an arranged marriage either.
I know our culture seems strange to many of you, but please keep it in mind when you are responding to my post.
85 comments submitted at 18:49:15 on Apr 16, 2014 by IndianDad