My daughter is coming to me to help me find her a husband. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

314 ups - 57 downs = 257 votes

Hello reddit, I have been part of the community for a long time.

I am a father of two daughters, and we are from India. My daughters were both born and raised here however. Parenting in America was not really easy on me or my daughters. There is such a clash of cultures and values that I didn’t know what exactly to do as a father.

I did my best to preserve as much of our culture as we could, I had them take Hindi classes, my daughters both loved to partake in Indian dances, and they both excelled in school. But when my eldest daughter started her college education things started to change. She went to a school out of state, and really partook in the entire American culture. She was asking for money for books when in reality she was spending it on partying and clothes. I only found out about this because of my youngest, whom showed me through Facebook. I told her this was not how I raised her or the person I wanted her to become. We argued a lot, my wife and I essentially gave up on our side. We wanted to preserve our relationship with our daughter, so we took a hands off approach.

I don’t know if American culture might be okay, I only grew up on what I know to be our way of life. So we as a family just ignored that of our daughter, her new boyfriends. I would continue to pay for her college and necessities but if she wanted to exceed and buy money for clothes it would be through a job of her own. Prior to this, money was never a problem in our household. If my children ever needed anything, they just had to ask.

When our youngest started going to school, we feared she too would be radically Americanized. However, that wasn’t the case she got involved in the Indian Community on campus. During her second year of college, she told us she he had a boyfriend, we ended up meeting him and his parents. Though he wasn’t in our caste, he was Indian as well had a similar upbringing and similar values. After college we approved of them getting married.

My eldest, ended up getting a job in California and didn’t speak to us much in general. My wife was the one whom always had the closest relationship with our daughter but after my daughter’s rebellion my wife stopped talking to her. I ended up being the one who would call and keep in touch with our daughter. She didn’t want much to do with us.

As time went on my youngest daughter and her husband recently had their first child. For the celebration my daughter came to visit us. She stayed for about a week, and we bonded together as a family. Soon after she got went back, she was skyping with me and her sister.

Me and her have been talking far more now than ever before which I am truly grateful for. She has mentioned to me now that she would like me to find a guy for her, or someone that fills the traditional Indian role. A part of me was really happy to hear this, but as I discussed this further with my wife I don’t think it is in her best interest.

To us, happiness in life comes from excelling in our careers and education, marrying a spouse with similar values, and having children, for us there was no fleeting romance, our fiery lust. There has a been a deep love over time between me and my wife, but not quite like the American way of doing things. Over time we have grown more accepting and understanding of the culture, and we have come to terms with our daughter’s decisions.

I don’t think our daughter would be a suitable person for this type of marriage. She has already had plenty of relationships, and If I had to bet she has had sex. She loves to socialize, drink, go to bars. I don’t doubt that there is a guy out there that she could end up with, however I don’t think I will be one to find such a guy in the traditional Indian community.

This leads to my dilemma. My daughter has requested, that I help her look but what exactly do I tell her? I know it took a lot coming to me, to ask for dating helps. I don’t want to reject her in a way that will distance her from our family, but at the same time I don’t want her to get into a life that isn’t going to be enough for her. And I personally don’t feel comfortable expunging details about her past to a future partner. At least for marriage, if a man or a woman has drunk alcohol or touched chicken, can cause all sorts of problems when going through marriage. It's not to say that there aren't Indian men, that don't share Western Values, but they often aren't the ones looking for an arranged marriage either.

I know our culture seems strange to many of you, but please keep it in mind when you are responding to my post.

  • Thankyou.

85 comments submitted at 18:49:15 on Apr 16, 2014 by IndianDad

  • [-]
  • Meliorae
  • 120 Points
  • 19:01:03, 16 April

I have a great deal of respect for you based on what you posted. I think you understand the situation perfectly.

I have sons and a daughter of my own and can imagine them coming to me in the future with a deeply significant request that I might feel similarly troubled over.

I think the only positive way forward is to be honest with your daughter while making it clear that you are not judging her or in any way criticizing her life choices. She may have changed her mind about what she wants, but that does not mean that she can erase the impact of her previous actions.

My understanding of the role of a serious marriage matchmaker is that their first duty is to the relationship, to making sure the bond between the two people will be positive and enduring and a benefit to both families. I would explain to your daughter that you are happy to help her, but that you think the chances of success may be low. As long as you are honest to all parties, then I think you have made the right choice. She may not understand or accept that in the short-term, but hopefully she will in the long-term.

I wish you luck.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 42 Points
  • 19:08:44, 16 April

Thank you for sharing your response to her, multiple things have made this more complicated.

  • First she has told me she has given up on American dating, that she isn't interested in it anymore.

  • Second, she has really gotten a romanticized idea of what a traditional relationship is about. She looks to my youngest with her husband and Bollywood movies as to what marriage is. She see's the prayers, rituals, the clothes, the food.

  • Third, is that we have probably talked more in the last two months than in the 6 years before. I finally have a positive relationship with her, that I think if there was a fall out now, it might cause her to separate away from our family.

  • [-]
  • Meliorae
  • 24 Points
  • 19:22:39, 16 April

I think the first two points can be inferred from reading between the lines of your original post, but it is good that you are explicitly aware of them.

The third point is the one that really matters and the source of your dilemma.

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where there are no easy choices. She is asking for something that she doesn't fully understand and will likely not serve her well in the future.

If you tell her no, then I agree with you that she will take it badly and your relationship with her will be damaged. However, if you help her without being honest with any prospective husbands and their families, then you are likely setting up a situation that will blow up for all of you in the future. It is extremely unlikely that she is going to be able to permanently hide her past and it is unreasonable of her to ask you to lie for her in a matter of such importance. Regardless, it would be grossly unfair to her husband and his family.

That is why I think the only acceptable choice you have is to offer her your best effort at helping her, but in an honest manner and with open communication about what you think the realities of the situation are. There really is nothing you can do if she decides that you doing what you think is in her best interest is something she is going to hold against you.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 19 Points
  • 19:27:03, 16 April

There are men and women that do lie and get away with it, its nothing new in our culture. However, I don't believe in forming a marriage based on lies. My wife knows everything about my past, and I love the intimacy we share in that regard. I would hope whomever my daughter marries she has the same transparency and emotional connection with.

  • [-]
  • Working_onit
  • 1 Points
  • 23:30:56, 16 April

I actually went to India this past winter for a family friend who got married, so I at least have some idea of where you are coming from.

First, I think it's important that you make her think about it for some time. I think it's important that she isn't just rushing to this because she sees what her sister has (make sure it's not an impulsive decision).

Second, while her past may be a problem for some Indian men out there, it won't be a problem for all of them. I think #1 it's important to see the current generation of Indians differently than what you probably grew up in. I saw a number of tattoos on the backs of girls and I had a serious conversation about the subject with a good friend on the trip (about the same age) who happened to go to school in Kolkata (she goes to the college in the US now). She told me that despite the very conservative appearance of even her fellow students, people had become much more liberal about sex. She even told me that she had two friends who got illegal abortions in high school because they could not afford to be pregnant. I guess I emphasize these points because these experiences are not only on women in India, but men as well. Now it is definitely not nearly as liberal as it is here in the United States, but things have changed.

Third, I know a lot of Indian guys that are great guys that struggle in the American dating scene over here. Whether it's right or not, there is a stigma against Indian men in this country and it bothers me... My best friend is Indian, and I see it first hand. He's one hell of a guy and I'm sure there are many Indian men out there like him.

Anyways, I'll leave it at that for now. But, I guess I wouldn't assume it won't work out for your daughter... I would, however, make her prove that that is what she wants without a doubt. It's not fair to who she marries otherwise.

  • [-]
  • CaspianX2
  • 15 Points
  • 21:59:54, 16 April

As an American with Western values, I have to admit that parts of your post seemed like they might be worrisome (particularly, the mention of "caste" had me cringing), but ultimately I think you're doing your best at dealing with an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation, and your willingness to accept that your daughter has decided to drift away from her heritage shows how open-minded you are.

What your daughter is doing now is kinda' trying to have her cake and eat it too. She's trying to get the best parts of both cultures without putting up with the worst parts. For Americans, being able to date who you want how you want is a joyously free thing... but it comes with a cost. That cost is uncertainty, and often unexpected heartbreak.

I suspect that your daughter may have had more of these costs than she bargained for. Most of us have. Dating I n America is so complicated and vulnerable and time-consuming and even sometimes humiliating, and most Americans I know have "given up" at one time or another - the frustrations seem too much.

Next to that, the idealized fairytale of Bollywood marriage must seem like a dream come true. But as you've pointed out, she has already refused to pay the costs that would earn her the benefit of such an arrangement. It may be that she hasn't even fully understood what those costs even are.

At this point, for better or worse, she's made her bed and now she needs to sleep in it. But hopefully she can be made to realize that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Dating in America may be uncertain and frustrating, but she should be made to know that all of that is normal. Dating isn't always a fun experience, but generally we Americans manage. And we do that by learning from the mistakes of past relationships and using them to become smarter and stronger.

My suggestion to you is to let her know that now that you've accepted who she is, she needs to learn to accept it herself. Let her know you love her and that you (I assume) feel that she is a smart, beautiful, strong person, and that even though you don't think she can walk the path that she's asking to, you have faith in her to be able to overcome the challenges on the path she has chosen, and while you can't do what she asks, you'll do whatever you can to help her on the path she's on now.

Remind her that she and her sister are two different people with two different destinies, and that she shouldn't try to be more like her sister. Instead, she should try to be the best her that she can be.

Hope this helps!

  • [-]
  • okctoss
  • 1 Points
  • 22:50:35, 16 April

>she has really gotten a romanticized idea of what a traditional relationship is about

I think it might be you who has a really romanticized view of what it is about. That's not a bad thing - my (conservative Indian) parents have that view, too. But times have changed since you got married.

I assure you, Indian men raised in the US will fully expect your daughter to drink with them, have premarital sex with them, and eat chicken with them. They will not want her to be religious, and it will be a miracle if they are interested in the prayers and rituals you grew up with. They will expect her to socialize, and go to parties and other social events. This idea you have - of Indian men in their 20's and 30's wanting and valuing the kind of marriage you and your wife have - well, I think that's very, very, VERY rare. It's not even the norm in India anymore, unless you're rural.

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 1 Points
  • 23:30:04, 16 April

> I assure you, Indian men raised in the US will fully expect your daughter to drink with them, have premarital sex with them, and eat chicken with them.

No. Not all Indians have become this liberal. I haven't, and I know others who haven't.

>This idea you have - of Indian men in their 20's and 30's wanting and valuing the kind of marriage you and your wife have - well, I think that's very, very, VERY rare.

Wrong again. Just because you've become so liberal doesn't mean all Indians have.

  • [-]
  • ChiefmoBaggins
  • 46 Points
  • 19:01:22, 16 April

Speaking as an Indian son, in your daughters exact situation in terms of background. Why not help her find a Indian guy from the US. I know lots of Indian kids who grew up in the US, but still want to maintain some link to their culture. So dating a guy who was in the exact same situation would be cool, they are both a mix of Indian and American and have that shared experience of "other".

My caveat is that both my brother and I are confirmed coconuts, so take my advice as you will. We could not be any whiter in personality, and have pretty much exclusively dated white women. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 22 Points
  • 19:09:50, 16 April

The Indian men whom I have relations with are the sons of the my friends, and most of them have a strong traditional sense. I don't know where to really find Indian men with Western values.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 21 Points
  • 19:41:26, 16 April

You may also find that those traditionally minded boys are more open to Western values than you may realize. I know that I personally tend to behave in a way I think is expected of me when I'm not around close friends. So my aunts and uncles probably think I'm more reserved and conservative than I truly am.

You could always try probing deeper and finding out if the sons of your friends are more open minded than you might initially suspect.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 9 Points
  • 20:10:32, 16 April

I understand that, completely however if I am to look for guys I will be going through their parents first and they are going to want x y and z, for their sons. If my daughter was to interact with them first then I can see it working, but she would be on her own.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 3 Points
  • 21:06:30, 16 April

I think you are exactly right in this. She will be better off finding a "coconut" (never heard that phrase before this thread) westernized man on her own. The men that want to go through an arranged marriage tend to not be looking for women with your daughter's past.

  • [-]
  • downvotesattractor
  • 1 Points
  • 23:01:40, 16 April

To people reading this thread:

Coconut:

White Inside, Brown Outside

A phrase used by people of South-Asian origin, who were born and grew up in America, that is used to indicate that the person identifies himself/herself as more American ("white") than South Asian("brown") culturally.

  • [-]
  • ChiefmoBaggins
  • 23 Points
  • 19:21:29, 16 April

We're all over the place. Check you local medical school, dental school, law school or MBA program lol.

But seriously, I think that if you go to a a specific temple, garaunteed some of those parents have kids who are Westernized. Now it may be that those guys aren't the ones attending temple, aside from high holy days, so you might need to do some scouting for them. Then again, one of my best friends is a Telegu Brahmin, VERY Western in culture, but has some more Indian values, and is a practicing Brahmin obviously when it comes to pooja and diet. So that might be the right type of mix she and you are looking for.

Sorry I don't have better advice on where to find guys, but if it's anything like my family, there is a big network of aunties who know exactly who's who and where they live and if they are looking for a arranged marriage, maybe just an introduction with the goal of dating and engagement, or whatever. Maybe have her go to temple in her area and see if they have a young adult program or something targeted to DESIs. I have some older cousins who had arranged marriages and they have been happy so far, but almost all fell into the category of "introductions" that lead to dating and then eventually marriage, vs. a traditional Indian arranged marriage more like what my parents and probably you had.

  • [-]
  • the_fuzzyone
  • 7 Points
  • 21:46:00, 16 April

> Check you local medical school, dental school, law school or MBA program lol.

No love for engineers :(

Also

>here is a big network of aunties who know exactly who's who

So that's who my moms been talking too ...fuck

  • [-]
  • downvotesattractor
  • 1 Points
  • 23:05:49, 16 April

> So that's who my moms been talking too ...fuck

Your mom has been asking around all over the place. We all know exactly what girl you need.

  • [-]
  • McFemale
  • 1 Points
  • 21:34:26, 16 April

Maybe your friends or their children know people, but I don't know if you'd be comfortable explaining the situation to them.

  • [-]
  • Pinwurm
  • 2 Points
  • 20:09:16, 16 April

The internet is a good start. I'm sure there's a few websites out there dedicated to connecting Indian-Americans.

  • [-]
  • DangerouslyNeutral
  • 2 Points
  • 21:14:08, 16 April

I feel like that would be a terrible idea for this situation. Most dating sites are geared towards people finding partners for themselves, not parents finding partners for their children.

  • [-]
  • Lola1479
  • 5 Points
  • 21:39:13, 16 April

Indian websites have options for parents to make profiles for their sons/daughters

  • [-]
  • Pinwurm
  • 2 Points
  • 21:24:04, 16 April

I'd imagine this is a widespread enough issue for Indian-Americans. That's why I suggest a site specifically catering towards this demographic.

  • [-]
  • gritztastic
  • 2 Points
  • 21:24:31, 16 April

I believe a few of the Desi dating sites are more geared to parents.

  • [-]
  • vivichase
  • 5 Points
  • 21:16:07, 16 April

Sorry, off topic here, but I love your use of the word "coconut". I myself am a "banana". My friends and I thought we were the only people who (endearingly) characterized Westernized immigrants as fruit! :)

  • [-]
  • faskuuhfdkhs
  • 14 Points
  • 19:32:10, 16 April

Hey, you should repost this in /r/ABCDesis as well. Theres a lot of Indian-Americans there that will probably be able to help you.

  • [-]
  • Lady_S
  • 14 Points
  • 19:41:32, 16 April

As an Indian living in the US, I think you have may have a very shielded picture of what the arranged marriage market is like. I am guessing you are mostly thinking within your social circle, and friends of your kids etc. Trust me, their life isn't much different from your daughters. Most Indian parents have a very skewed picture of what their children and especially their friend's kids do when they are with their friends. I don't think there will be any dearth of guys within the arranged marriage market who would be fine with your daughters past.

With that being said, I do think that she has very unrealistic images of what married life may be like. I feel like people who have been exposed to the choices of dating are not suited for the unbalanced male-female dynamic that sometimes accompanies Indian marriages. It may be different in the Indian American community but among Indians in India, I feel like there was no way I could adjust to the traditional roles that an arranged marriage brings.

My advice to you would be to take the plunge but with very realistic expectations. There are many NRI websites and such. I think it would be super easy for her to meet guys but she should have very open conversations with them about how their relationship would be and what they expect from each other.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 3 Points
  • 19:47:03, 16 April

I do understand that, in our own social circle my youngest has told me stories about her friends whom on the outside portray a very traditional girl.

  • [-]
  • BlindPelican
  • 8 Points
  • 19:01:49, 16 April

I'm speaking to you not as an American, but as a father of a grown daughter. I can completely understand your concerns here. Even though we don't share the same culture or all of the same values, it sounds like we've both arrived at the same conclusion - our job, as parents, is to see our children become happy with themselves. How they achieve that happiness is nearly irrelevant.

So, the fact that you've made it that far means you can make the next step - accepting your children's lives as their own.

The bottom line is that it never hurts to look, ask, and inquire. There may very well be a nice Indian man out there with similar ideals - Americanized, yet longing for something more traditional long term.

In a way, this sounds similar to the Amish tradition of Rumspringa. That's a period where Amish children/teens go out into the world and live in modern culture so that they can make an informed choice about how they live their lives.

Many, in fact most, return to the traditional Amish upbringing they enjoyed as children.

So, this might be the case.

One other idea is, since you're on good terms with her right now, maybe having a direct conversation about this. Ask her if she's seeking something more traditional for the rest of her life, I would think that would make it much easier to talk about when approaching other families about marriage.

Good luck, OP. I commend you on your acceptance and flexibility. You sound like a great dad. :)

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 4 Points
  • 19:20:01, 16 April

There are definitely are men that do fall into the category of even messing around in their youth, but then going the traditional route.

But the main things that arise are that, they have the option of going back to India to find a wife, while women for the most part aren't okay with finding a guy from India. Second, when a guy does look for the traditional option, he wants a woman that stayed traditional if that makes sense.

  • [-]
  • BlindPelican
  • 3 Points
  • 19:25:01, 16 April

Sure, that makes sense.

I guess one piece of American culture that has stuck around is the idea of putting one's past behind them. I understand that might not be a shared value and some might be turned off by the fact that your daughter had broken away for a time.

Still, that sounds like something you can talk to her about. It could be as simple as "I accept your life because I love you, but others might not. But I will do my best" and then...well...do your best.

I think your daughter will appreciate you trying and giving it some effort far more than any actual success.

I mean, the bottom line here is preserving and deepening your relationship with her. She will find a man one way or the other if that's what she wants. But you're her daddy - sticking up for her, even if it's a fool's errand, is something she will never forget and always appreciate.

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 2 Points
  • 19:33:00, 16 April

There are definitely things I can admire about American culture. However the difference between American and Indian culture is that feelings and love form first then do all the sordid details come out.

For us, its far more of a transactional nature, before there is any love, there is the check list. It doesn't just apply to women it goes for men too, if a man makes X amount of money, no matter how righteous, or noble he is, he will be ignored.

  • [-]
  • BlindPelican
  • 1 Points
  • 19:41:14, 16 April

I actually agree with that idea to a great extent. I've always upheld the idea that relationships are created and feelings will often times follow actions.

Admittedly, though, the Westernized idea of "feelings first" is fairly common. Though often those things go in parallel - without the assistance of a 3rd party (parents) we're often stuck with doing the investigation and going over that checklist ourselves at the same time feelings are forming. It gets rather complicated, to be honest. :)

I suspect, however, that a more transactional approach yields somewhat better long term results?

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 2 Points
  • 19:49:47, 16 April

For us it has at the very least, men strive to be good bread earners for the family, women more so focus on being good wives. The divorce rate is extremely low for arranged marriages, I know a big part of it is culture but in general from what I have seen it fairs better than a lot of the Western marriages.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 1 Points
  • 21:11:15, 16 April

I think you're right, the low divorce rate probably has to do largely with expectations. But I wonder if it isn't something to do with more people have veto power over a shitty relationship. Sometimes the people in a relationship aren't very objective, and sometimes mom and dad can spot those problems.

  • [-]
  • Vorteth
  • 1 Points
  • 23:29:27, 16 April

The divorce rate among Americans and Europeans, before they made it socially acceptable, was much lower as well.

  • [-]
  • TheDarkHorse83
  • 7 Points
  • 19:05:04, 16 April

Tell her that you'd be more than happy to help her find a suitable partner, but then you have to go on to explain the difference between the love that two people in an arranged marriage have and the love that two Americanized people have, just as you described it up above, perhaps in more detail. Tell her that no method is better or worse, but it is different. Don't tell her which one is for her, and make sure to make it clear that if this is what she wants, then you will help her, but it is not something to be gone into lightly and she should spend a little more time thinking about it first. You will be there to help her no matter what she decides.

  • [-]
  • afinebalance
  • 4 Points
  • 22:33:12, 16 April

I haven't read the other responses so this may be redundant. . .

I am a Punjabi Hindu girl who felt the same obligations that your daughters may have felt growing up. I did all the "American" things but always carried guilt when I knew that it would hurt my parents. My friends and I refer to this as Indian guilt. I basically did everything wrong and was often shunned from our community. My parents were much like you and stayed quiet. I found my way (married with a baby on the way with a Masters degree)

I can understand how your daughter feels when it comes to wanting to find a relationship that's familiar and safe thus asking for your advice. I would encourage your daughter to make profiles on shaadi.com or sites like it to find herself a match. You can even help monitor it with her or even create it to manage introductions to men instead of making this a traditional marriage type thing. I feel it would be WONDERFUL compromise. When I was on the site, parents would contact me and then I'd meet their son. The parents didn't want to talk to my parents first which made it less intimidating.

Many of my friends (in their early thirties, mid twenties) are on such sites and have found matches that truly match their values (they drink, have had premarital sex and many "American" experiences). Sometimes they are actually more conservative than they may act or have acted in the past.

Good luck to you, Uncle. Feel free to PM me if you need anymore advice.

  • [-]
  • pandabearak
  • 1 Points
  • 22:34:33, 16 April

As someone who's roommate is also Punjab (whom I've also known since middle school), I feel for you. But in a different way...

From my experience with him, his family, and his friends, people from the Indian culture have a much more complicated experience when they immigrate to America. I think your feelings are correct: your daughter is probably not the type of person who would enjoy or thrive in a "traditional" Indian marriage.

That being said, it is still what she is looking for, and it sounds like she is a smart girl. So, if I were you, I'd not only talk about what the top voted comments have been, I'd also ask her if she wants a happy medium - which is, marrying someone who is Indian but also in a similar situation as her...

I can tell you from my roommate's experience that there is a lot of people just like your daughter - first/second generation Indian Americans who have experienced the "American" way of dating but are also keenly aware of the "traditional" Indian marriage. I'm just guessing, but perhaps your daughter isn't looking for you to help her find someone steeped in these traditions, but similar to her... which is somewhere in the middle.

That being said, if she is looking for a man who is 30 years old and has a masters degree in computer engineering, my roommate might be interested.

  • [-]
  • chikinpickle
  • 3 Points
  • 19:44:22, 16 April

You should tell her exactly what you told us. The truth without judgement or criticism.

  • [-]
  • Tall_LA_Bull
  • 4 Points
  • 20:39:48, 16 April

After reading your post and a lot of your responses to comments, I first wish to commend you on demonstrating such thoughtfulness and respect towards your daughter. It is a difficult thing when children make choices that their parents do not understand, and you have walked a very honorable middle path in how you have treated her and her choices. Well done.

I think the key thing to communicate to her is that you are not willing to lie about her past to any potential suitors. That is a reasonable condition for you to have, and it really gets to the core of the problem. If you were willing to lie, then finding her a marriage would likely not be difficult. Since you are unwilling to lie, it will likely be at least somewhat difficult, and may be very difficult. This is the key thing she is going to have to accept.

If she can accept that, and if you are still willing to help her, then the problem you must confront is any shame you may feel at revealing to your religious community the things your daughter has done. You must be willing not just to accept your daughter for who she is, but live with the judgment of anyone in your world who may think she is unclean. I would think hard about how willing you are to bear this burden, because once you disclose her lifestyle, you cannot undo that disclosure.

If you surmount these two obstacles, then it is simply a matter of letting it be known that you are looking for a traditional marriage with a man who is also accepting of western lifestyles and values. This may be a difficult thing to find, but in America in the 21st century, it is unlikely to prove impossible. This is particularly true, of course, if your daughter has many other things to offer (if she is beautiful, intelligent, kind, etc). You only need to find one man who fits the bill, and there are many, many Indian men in this country.

Whatever course this situation dictates, I wish you and your family the best of luck.

  • [-]
  • sir_sri
  • 3 Points
  • 21:44:19, 16 April

> and we are from India.

My father is from India, though I am male. I teach at a University (in canada).

> She was asking for money for books when in reality she was spending it on partying and clothes.

Normal.

Well, as long as after a while she sorted herself out and started going doing schoolwork.

For most university students this is their first chance to try and see what they want to be as people. As long as they find friends who actually get work done it usually works out fine.

> Though he wasn’t in our caste, he was Indian as well had a similar upbringing and similar values.

At least she didn't marry a Pakistani.

Ok, kidding aside. You'll find that in north america a lot of the divisions back home fade a bit. When I do stuff with the "Indian Students" it's a bunch of kids from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Dubai, and East Africa, and they all identify as one big cultural blob. Even if they're from several different religions, castes and cultures. In some ways this is the one truly great thing about american culture.

> If I had to bet she has had sex.

Likely, but normal. Anyone asking for a virgin wife in this day and age is likely to find themselves disappointed.

>She has mentioned to me now that she would like me to find a guy for her, or someone that fills the traditional Indian role.

....

> I don’t think I will be one to find such a guy in the traditional Indian community.

That's exactly where you'll look. For a family that has a son who has gone off and behaved like your daughter. Rooted in indian culture and indian values, but who has shown the freewheeling spirit to step away from that slightly, but not completely. Not that I'm offering (god knows my mother or girlfriend would kill me) but, like me! Or a few of my students who have done the same thing.

Their family would be thrilled to find a nice indian girl who will put up with him and his history, you'd be thrilled to find a nice indian boy to put up with her and her history. Everybody wins.

>My daughter has requested, that I help her look but what exactly do I tell her? I know it took a lot coming to me, to ask for dating helps.

Well this would be where my experience differs from the modern child of indian immigrants. When my father came here there were a total of 7 Indians in a city of 60 000.

What you really want is to go out to your social circle, find people who have son's that have refused arranged marriages, and have done the partying thing. And introduce them to your daughter. Keep in mind that rather than trying to arrange a marriage you're trying to arrange dating, so don't expect it to work so well on the first go.

What your daughter is realizing is that the only sort of man she's seen in a successful relationship is you - with her mother. But as you've recognized, you can't force that on her. You have to help her find someone who wants to choose that sort of relationship for themselves. And there are lots of Indian guys who are, like her, second generation immigrants who came here with traditional indian parents, but aren't in India anymore. The only real home life they understand are traditional indian roles at home. But they don't want that forced on them by an arrangement, they want to find someone who wants that.

Part of what your daughter is finding is that, as exotic as north american men may seem, they have no idea how to interact with indian culture on a day to day level (as you say, handling chicken, beef, alcohol etc, for example, religious holidays and celebrations and so on). The place to find someone who is able to deal with all of that is the rebellious son of indian immigrants like yourself.

You will probably find there are certain parts of indian culture she and a spouse are going to give up on, you might find they each chicken and drink (sorry, get used to it), but are more observant of other parts.

If you were anywhere near here I could... and I mean this literally, just give you a list of names of grad student in comp sci and engineering who would be thrilled to meet a girl like your daughter. They drink, they each chicken, some even eat beef and pork, but they are still indians at heart. Technically my university would probably object to me doing that, but, there are a lot of lonely indian guys who would be thrilled to find someone.

One thing to watch out for - make sure if you help her meet someone he's not just in it for immigration. Particularly for indians it's easy to get spousal immigration (I guess in the US there's a 90 day waiting list and like 1 form, one of my friends just went through this). So I would be looking at the indian community already in the US, rather than back home in india generally.

Also, be basically honest with any indian families you talk to - the youngest daughter, as you say was part of indian community stuff she might be able to help too. You don't have to broadcast your suspicions about her being out having sex. But you can be upfront about her partially rebellious and 'americanized' streak. You're looking for someone similar, not someone different.

Hope that helps.

  • [-]
  • jachreja
  • 3 Points
  • 22:07:54, 16 April

Hi! Sikh Male checking in, around the same age as your daughter.

I might have a bit of insight for you, having grown up in the US and have stayed somewhat "traditional" in my roots (I keep a decent mastery of Hindi and Punjabi and am a full-fledged Sikh).

At your daughter's age, it takes a huge amount of courage and self-awareness to not only realize that she wants something, but to come to a tough familial relationship and ask for help. She's lucky to have supportive parents like yourself and your wife, and I hope that your positive relationship trend continues.

It is a great sign to me that you took the forethought to post here and carefully consider her feelings and how best to proceed.

Now, onto the dating part. It's tough to say exactly without knowing the details of her relationship, but as an Indian male who is traditional, yet fully Americanized, it's a really tough line to walk.

I can't imagine her pressure either, given the fact that your younger daughter is probably extremely happy and already has kids on the way.

I know that you want her to continue and spread culture, and the easiest way is to be there for her. Take an active role her in social life, get to know her friends, and the people she care s about, outside of the family. Having a stronger bond with her will help you both come to terms with the past and look forward to the future.

Finding a man, is a bit of a trickier situation. I personally wouldn't be against the idea of an arranged marriage, however what means the MOST to me is the approval and acceptance of my parents. She probably has had an extremely rough time coming to terms with the guilt and inadvertent disappointment.

I would suggest slowly re-introducing her to the Indian community at large and locally, both at your hometown and wherever she lives now.

She should hop on internet dating sites such as OK Cupid, and related sites. Generally, if she's looking for an "americanized" yet traditional Indian boy, I'd stay away from shaadi.com and other similar options, however they are a viable solution.

The best thing you can do for her is to be there for her, and continue to support her and help her get past her guilt. Take an active interest in her social and dating life, and even though it will be difficult to accept her dating habits, when the right guy comes along she will be more amenable to your suggestions.

Hope that helps!

  • [-]
  • send_me_apple_juice
  • 3 Points
  • 22:13:03, 16 April

You hit the nail on the head in both parenting and now with your approach on the arranged marriage ordeal. You are a great parent btw.

To me, it doesn't sound like she wants the arranged marriage for the type of relationship that it gives you. It sounds more like she wants an arranged marriage because she has failed to find a man of her own. You said she has a very romanticized idea of what marriage should be, and well, there are tons of Americans who share that same view. She can find these types of guys everywhere, just tell her that she's been looking in the wrong places. You won't find them at parties, night clubs, etc, and if that's where she was all the time in her "rebellious" age, then it's no wonder why she has given up on American dating.

I'm assuming she's out of that phase now, but the marks/scars are still there on her mentality. I really think it would be best if she goes out on her own to find love, instead of you trying to "make love" for her. You've given your daughter "love," now it's her turn to find out what to do with it.

  • [-]
  • chubecca09
  • 1 Points
  • 22:53:43, 16 April

Hi there! I'm an Indian girl, and it sounds like your elder daughter is a lot like me. In fact, I'm wondering if you aren't my dad because your younger daughter sounds a lot like my sister.

I'm hoping it would help to hear an opinion from my perspective, so here are my two cents. I was born in the US into a conservative Brahmin family. Luckily, my dad has always encouraged open dialogue with me and my siblings, so my parents were able to assimilate along with me and my two siblings, but not without a significant amount of clash.

I went to college; I drank, I partied, I engaged in pretty typical American lifestyle. I cannot stress enough how difficult it was to reconcile my parents views on what I was doing with what everyone I knew considered harmless fun. I spent a lot of time confused about who I was and what my values were.

Still, I'm acutely aware of how the Indian community would view my college antics- I saw it even in the resistance my parents put up towards accepting the changes I went through in college.

I think your daughter still remembers how she had to keep her partying a secret in college. She'd have to experience that sort of culture clash all over again if she were to go the arranged marriage route. Reminding her of this would probably help her remember life isn't a Bollywood movie.

Bearing that in mind, here are some suggestions on how to approach your daughter:

1) I think you should speak to your younger daughter first. I think you should let her know of your concerns, and ask her to speak with her sister. Sisters talk to each other, so chances are your younger one probably has more knowledge of the older one's life/opinions. She can probably talk about the pros and cons of arranged marriage more frankly with her (without bringing up your concerns explicitly).

2) Touch base with your younger daughter and then speak with your older one. Be honest and tell her that you want her to be happy; stress that you understand dealing with clashing cultures was hard for her growing up and that you are doing your best to understand her perspective. Tell her that a traditional guy may not be the best match, as he may not be able to relate to her personal experiences in a way that fosters understanding and respect.

3) Tell her that she should continue looking for a man herself. If she really wants an Indian guy, there are lots of Indian people in California (esp in the Bay Area, where I live). There are plenty of Indian men here who have successfully combined Indian and Western values.

4) While she continues to look for someone on her own, I think you should look too on the condition that she dates/courts that person before marrying them. Around here in California, this is fairly common; Indian parents set the kids up; they date for awhile; if they're still going strong a year later, they get married. If she still has Bollywood marriage pictured in mind, I'm sure pursuing a relationship before getting married will help her become more realistic about marriage in general.

Lastly, I know you're worried about telling the man (and his family) that you may find about your daughter's past. If you encourage them to strike up a friendship or relationship before they get married, it's not your responsibility to tell the family. In fact, I think under any circumstances, its her responsibility to maintain an open dialogue future husband. You sound like a really great and caring dad, but you can only hold her hand and look out for her for so long. If she chooses to be dishonest, that is her choice.

  • [-]
  • lorde_i_am_laffin
  • 3 Points
  • 20:11:38, 16 April

How old is your eldest daughter?

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 3 Points
  • 20:16:55, 16 April

she is 27, and my youngest is 24.

  • [-]
  • Nomad47
  • 1 Points
  • 21:10:53, 16 April

Growing up I had an Indian American friend who very much wanted to marry within his culture but felt that he had become too westernized to allow his parents to help arrange a marriage for him. He was afraid to even bring up the subject for fear of being branded a racist by his Anglo American friends because he wanted an Indian bride. Eventually he found a first generation Indian American girl to marry by using a dating sight just for first generation Indian Americans. This is not an uncommon problem my friend and his wife have been married twelve years now and have two kids so it worked out for them.

  • [-]
  • ForecastPandaRain
  • 1 Points
  • 21:18:54, 16 April

I have an immense amount of respect for the way in which you dealt with each of these situations. You sound well-tempered, open, and accepting, all while holding fast to your well-thought-out core values and beliefs. I wanted to say that before I offered my opinion.

First off, I am a 25 year old typical American male, if that provides any perspective on my viewpoint. I have many female friends between 23 and 30 -- several of whom hold strong ethnic ties. I have found that most of these women (particularly the ethnically-conscious ones) feel a strong pressure to get married. The more traditional their culture, the more likely it is that they are pressured to marry early. Moreover, there is the biological feeling women get that they are "losing their beauty" or are reaching an age where having children becomes less and less viable. It also doesn't help that many of their friends are in long-term relationships or are getting married, while they remain single. Without knowing your older daughter, I'd be willing to bet that she is feeling this combination of pressures. It's completely normal, but she is also likely suffering from another emptiness that can start around this age: the need to understand their culture and maintain their familial ties.

Based on your description, this has likely been difficult for her. Personally, I know that that older I get, the more I want to be around my parents. Whether it comes from a need to understand who I am or the fear that they are could pass away in my near future, I'm not sure. I just know that amongst my friends and myself, we all feel the need to have a familial bond; a need that has become much more prominent in the past year or so.

I think your daughter's situation is the result of these two conflicting needs. Although she has an Americanized lifestyle, she also feels the need to maintain her culture. She wants to know who she is and if what she is doing with her life is the right way to live. That's likely why she's come back to you. Despite going out on her own, she -- like the rest of us -- is probably having difficulty figuring out what to do with her life (against all facades saying differently).

As /u/BlindPelican said, I'm sure your sole concern is helping your daughter find what is best for her. But it's often difficult to know what's right for yourself -- let alone others.

With regards to your dilemma, I would approach the situation by focusing on empathy. Ask your daughter why she wants to find a traditional husband, despite her previous lifestyle choices. If her answers tell you that it comes from social and biological pressures, I would explain your side posted above; that it is not fair to her nor the guy she is hoping to marry because she will end up unhappy and he will end up feeling duped. If, on the other hand, she wants to find a traditional husband because she wants to maintain her cultural heritage, then I (personally) would be willing to help her in this task. As you said, it would be a difficult task, but not impossible. I know several Indian men who are Americanized, yet maintain more than the vestiges of their culture. There is certainly a man out there, it will just be a difficult job.

Again, this is coming from the perspective of a 25 year old white male, but I hope my perspective helps. I have certainly seen many of my friends -- be it Jewish, Hindi, Korean, Eastern European, or otherwise -- go through this internal struggle and I have discussed it with them. It's hard feeling so alone with all the possibility of the world in front of you; unmoored from anything but the vast sea of choice. But she'll be fine. She's lucky to have a father that is concerned as you are. I wish you the best of luck with your dilemma and I hope you update us on your decision.

  • [-]
  • i_paint_things
  • 2 Points
  • 21:32:28, 16 April

I just had to say your very apparent love and respect for your children and wife brought me to tears. You seem like an amazing man and I hope some of the advice (/u/meliorae in particular) will prove helpful. You are a good human sir.

  • [-]
  • Hooligan8
  • 2 Points
  • 21:47:35, 16 April

It might be worth x-posting this in /r/relationships with the Non-Romantic tag. The people over there usually have some great advice for dealing with significant others, family and friends.

  • [-]
  • SlobBarker
  • 2 Points
  • 22:02:47, 16 April

The effort will be worth far more than the results, since you cannot control those. Declining her request to help would be far worse than attempting to help your daughter and failing to find her a mate.

  • [-]
  • yetanotheracct64
  • 1 Points
  • 22:36:44, 16 April

Considering her history, and considering you're now American yourself, I would suggest acting like an American father by giving her advice and guidance, rather than trying to arrange something. Failing to integrate into one's adopted culture is a mistake immigrants often make, and it always ends up harming the integrity of their own families. As you said, your wife didn't speak to your eldest daughter for a while, and you yourself call her rebellious. She is not rebellious, she is an American, because that is the community she grew up in. If you had wished to maintain the traditions of your Indian culture, you should have stayed in India. So the problem isn't her, it's you and your wife failing to integrate, and hanging that failure around your daughter's neck. Now she is torn between being an American and trying to bridge the cultural divide you've created. If you want her to be happy, free her of the burden to conform. I'm not saying you're not a good father, you are a great father, because you're making an effort.

To be honest, traditional Indian style marriages are incompatible with Western culture. They only work in a patriarchal society where women and men are not equal. And as you said, she's Americanized, and men in your traditional culture who've failed to integrate would have a problem with that. There are plenty of well integrated Indian Americans in California. Perhaps research social clubs she could join, but honestly, she's an American now, if you really want her to be happy, set her free from the trappings of your traditional culture, and tell her to find anyone who makes her happy, Indian or not.

  • [-]
  • N19h7m4r3
  • 1 Points
  • 22:42:40, 16 April

Personally, moving away from a culture and making an active effort to maintain it around you seems a bit strange.

Regarding your daughter and considering I'm under 30 years old, not american, I don't live in the US and I don't have children yet my opinion shouldn't be very relevant but I'll share it anyway.

I live in Portugal and there's a pretty big Indian community in Lisbon and around. I remember an indian girl that went to school with me that wanted to be a doctor. But her traditional parents didn't want her to continue to study (after 9th grade, not sure how it compares but I think she wasn't suppose to get to highschool?) and just "the old get pregnant and cook thing". I think I only remember this because she was one of the brightest in class and some of the teachers went bat-shit crazy when they heard about it. Fast forward to today and she has a cute little daughter now, they might be proud of her childbearing skills but I kind of hate that her potential was wasted by her parents decisions. (I guess bonus points for not being this traditional.)

All of this to say one simple thing: tell your daughter you love and support her, it's her choice there are billions of interesting men out there to choose from; you'll always be there for what ever she needs. (Although asking for money for one thing and using it for another is totally dickish and a total confidence destroyer, but remember you raised her.)

Remember she isn't here by her choice, but she is from yours and your wife's choices so take care of your little girl.

PS: you should also tell that to your younger daughter. One day her marriage can fall apart and I hope the choice between her happiness and your oldish culture is an easy one to make.

Edit: Changed hypocritical for strange, sounds better.

  • [-]
  • Sarahfina32
  • 1 Points
  • 22:52:59, 16 April

Does she understand culturally how different dating/marriage is? She may not want the American dating but has she really examined the Indian culture of dating/marriage? Perhaps she should try dating an Indian boy and for her to realize if it would work for her. She may be "in love" with the idea of the traditional Indian marriage but might think differently if she was put in that situation.

Remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

  • [-]
  • mcjustmatt
  • 1 Points
  • 22:56:35, 16 April

I'm from California and value fun and love. I am not Indian at all, but I really like the culture. I would meet her.

  • [-]
  • psheemo
  • 0 Points
  • 19:38:04, 16 April

I'm 21, but I was thinking about having daughter and I would totally be "that dad, who wants to beat up every boyfriend of her daughter", so I would love to find her husband.

On the other hand though, I would want my kid to be independent and confident, so that is not optimal in that regard.

  • [-]
  • nicholasferber
  • 1 Points
  • 20:54:34, 16 April

Arranged marriages in India are not just parents looking out for would be spouses. It is like an authorized dating scheme nowadays. I am not sure how long you have stayed in US but things have changed. Its a group effort.

Your job as a parent is to vet the family and that's it. After that you hand over the process to your child and they will see if something clicks or not. Leave the decision about whether she should tell about her life to her suitors to your daughter.

I do not want to sound rude but to me it seems like your daughter regrets about her choices after seeing your younger daughter getting married. This regret is obviously more pronounced since your younger daughter 'obeyed' your wishes and she didn't. So perhaps she thinks that if you made decisions for her all of her 'problems' would go away. And the problems in her mind are obviously a strained relationship with the parents and not being married while her younger sister is.

These are not really problems and you need to tell that to her. Ask your wife and put in some effort to normalize things between you and your child. Communicate that she does not need to 'reindianize' herself to be happy but she needs to know and be sure about what she wants. If she doesn't then that's fine. Perhaps you and her can work together to find that out.

  • [-]
  • Toosnarkydidntread
  • 1 Points
  • 21:16:56, 16 April

No experience whatsoever with this kind of culture clash. But I was adopted and as such grew up to be VERY different from my parents in values and personality. And living so differently from my parents has been an anxious process at times. With every step away from their lifestyle I became more of myself, and honestly came closer to overcoming the depression that inevitably comes hand in hand with being cast in a role you were never meant to fill, and being in a world that has no place for a person like you. But with each step there were also severe pangs of uncertainty and remorse -- any good person feels remorse whenever they deviate from what they were taught is the right way to live, whether it's right for them or not. As a result, I have oscillated a lot over my life between needing to strike out on my own and, when facing a setback, denouncing these ways and craving to return to the secure world I was never meant to be a part of. The overlap may be limited or extensive, but I would venture to guess that your daughter is having a quarter life crisis where she stops to look at her life in the long term -- not asking what makes her happy but asking "how do I want to live?" In my opinion you would do well to talk to her in greater depth before anything else about her feelings and motivations. Ask why she came to you and why she feels the sudden attraction to the traditional way of life. It could be a momentary panic about straying from her roots, or it could be a larger decision to follow in your footsteps. Talking to her about it will give you a better sense of how to respond and will likely bring you closer together either way.

  • [-]
  • avantvernacular
  • 1 Points
  • 21:33:34, 16 April

You ask difficult questions and are concerned for what will be best for you children's happiness in the long run. I don't know much about the struggles of culture shock for Indian-American families, but I can say that for what its worth it seems to me like you're a great father.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll make it will turn out well.

  • [-]
  • darthdelicious
  • 1 Points
  • 22:00:27, 16 April

I married into an Indian family and the only advice that I can offer is get her to introduce you to any guys that she's thinking about marrying so that you can "sign off" on them before she pulls the trigger. My family values (Scottish heritage) aligned quite well with my wifes' (Sikh) so it worked out just fine. I didn't need to be a Sikh man to meet her family's requirements of a spouse for their daughter. If she can look at it as finding cultural compatibility, rather than looking for a specific religion/caste combo - she will have no trouble finding someone great.

  • [-]
  • Shitiot
  • 1 Points
  • 22:03:52, 16 April

Came across this, might provide some insight

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/culture/features/11621/

  • [-]
  • HalfysReddit
  • 1 Points
  • 22:07:29, 16 April

I just want to say, as someone who dated an amazing woman who was half Indian and half Pakistani (and was subjected to much of those cultures traditions despite being born and raised in the US) who's parents would never have approved of me, I think it's really cool of you the way you're handling this. I mean seriously, I can't imagine a more respectable approach to this difficult situation.

That being said, what I suggest is to acquiesce her as far as at least looking goes - you never know, some dude that's into the traditional marriage might just think she's the shit and isn't weirded out by the non-traditional aspects of her.

I do also suggest talking to her though, and telling her that while you admire her desire to remain a part of the Indian culture, that from knowing her you think she would be happier having a more "Western" marriage, and that while you will look for her that she may also want to consider not relying on a traditional Indian marriage.

I don't see any reason to bring up that her previous actions may have made her less appealing of a partner to some of these traditional men, if it's really that big of a deal I'm sure she'll figure it out for herself anyways and there's no point pouring salt in that wound.

  • [-]
  • catiracatira
  • 1 Points
  • 22:09:30, 16 April

Somebody should start a dating site for young Indian-Americans. There must be so many like OP's daughter who want to retain some of the traditional values but also have grown up with a traditionally American experience of sexual experimentation, etc.

  • [-]
  • Jibaro123
  • 1 Points
  • 22:20:22, 16 April

Please explain the part about touching chicken.

That part aside, she is reaching out to you. Without turning her down flat, perhaps you should agree to look, but make it perfectly clear she needs to look as well. Because if to agree to search yourself and cannot find a suitable man for her, she is very apt to blame you if she does not get married.

I am not Indian, but my knowledge of your culture is not just based on seeing Monsoon Wedding.

This could be her way of seeking rapprochement without having to admit she disrespected you. Seize the opportunity to get her back. Do not gloat.

Surely there is a man out there who is the right man for her.

I am always sad when I hear stories of families that are driven apart when adherence to tradition stands in the way of human decency and common sense.

  • [-]
  • SmokeyUnicycle
  • 1 Points
  • 22:38:19, 16 April

I was half expecting this thread to be "accepting applications"

  • [-]
  • pizzaandburritos
  • 1 Points
  • 22:46:51, 16 April

You sound like you love your daughter and have thought very hard about this. My advice to you would be that before you decide to help your daughter find a husband, you spend some more time bonding with her and helping her understand what she wants. She doesn't seem like she knows what type of relationship she wants, and like you say, what she says she wants seems romanticized. It is only recently that you have gotten close to her again, so you also need more time to understand her better before you can consider who would make a good partner.

Secondly, I think you can consider a more moderate approach. Perhaps instead of following a traditional Indian approach, you can follow a more American approach but still be involved as parents. Perhaps that means that you help her find potential people to date, she dates them in the American style getting to know them for several months, and then she gets your approval for marriage. There are really many American styles of dating - it is not just like in the movies. She has to decide what kind of values and priorities she seeks and make sure she dates men who match that.

I think the bottom line is that you and your daughter both recognize that you are better off to be close as a family rather than being estranged. Your first goal should be to do what you need to do to preserve your relationship with her. The other key is that if you can't help her with a traditional Indian marriage arrangement, then you still should help her with the American style. I understand that may be hard for you because you are unfamiliar with it or don't agree with some of the practices, but you should support her emotionally so she can at least feel she can talk to you about it.

  • [-]
  • iloveu_iknow
  • 1 Points
  • 23:02:23, 16 April

I'm a 26 year old Indian girl who was brought up in America. I never really went through the "partying" phase that your eldest did, but my parents I'm sure struggled with American values and lifestyles and how to parent me as I got older. As far as dating, my younger sister is soon to be engaged to an Indian boy in her class in medical school. My parents, on the other hand, have told me that they don't really see me marrying an Indian guy [nobody I've dated has been Indian, mainly due to the lack of diversity around me] or if I do, he would have to be very westernized and would have been born and raised here.

Anyway, enough of the back story. My advice to you is to tell her just that - that she needs an Indian guy who was born and raised here, or with more of a western upbringing like hers. Tell her that you don't know anyone like that, but will continue to look. As sucky as it is, online dating is a really really common way of meeting people these days. Encourage her to use American dating sites like okcupid rather than the strictly Indian ones. She can still search for Indian guys on them, but they tend to be less traditional and marriage-based than the Indian sites which are a bit intimidating. Let me know if you have any other questions or comments! I have lots of Indian friends in varying degrees of traditionalism and have met their SO's in varying ways.

  • [-]
  • aikovess
  • 1 Points
  • 23:20:36, 16 April

Asian American daughter, and I'm sure I have no way to advise, so I'll just say this - thank you for understanding your daughter's point of view and knowing that even though she's asking for something, it may not be what she really wants.

I just hope my parents can see it the same way you do. Eventually.

  • [-]
  • theslowwonder
  • 1 Points
  • 23:26:09, 16 April

I am not Indian, but I come from a very traditional part of the Midwest and am probably seen as a bit rebelious for moving to California and living less traditionally than my family back home.

It's likely your daughter experiences similar frustrations to me. I feel stuck between wanting some things from home and some things from my new life. My most successful relationships have been with people that are very similar to me.

I'd encourage you that a good match would probably be another man that grew up traditional, but has made his own way in life and put some distance between his family; though without animosity.

Your obligation is not to get her married, but you can answer her request to help direct her to men that may fit. If she is as independent as you say, then she will likely do what she chooses no matter what. You do not need to fear her marrying someone merely because it was your suggestion.

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 2 Points
  • 19:11:50, 16 April

Totally off subject, but when you say drank alchohol or "touched chicken" do you mean touching an actual chicken, like the animal, or is that a metaphor for premarital sex?

Im only half joking, im actually pretty interested in this. I think its very fascinating to share cultural differences.

Hope you and your daughter can find a man!

  • [-]
  • IndianDad
  • 9 Points
  • 19:13:22, 16 April

I don't know what touching chicken has to do with sex. But, many Indians are vegetarians and are completely against a spouse who has had a nonveg diet.

  • [-]
  • MisterScalawag
  • 4 Points
  • 21:13:50, 16 April

I think the confusion was caused by you using the phrase "touching chicken", instead of just saying someone who has eaten meat.

  • [-]
  • TheBlindCat
  • 4 Points
  • 21:14:05, 16 April

"Choking the chicken" is a fairly common euphemism for masturbation. I have no idea on the origin of that phrase.

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 2 Points
  • 19:16:26, 16 April

Wow, that is really interesting. I was not aware that that many Indians were vegetarian! Or that it would be that much of a dealbreaker for a marriage.

Thanks for answering my question!!

Good luck on the man hunt sir!

  • [-]
  • faskuuhfdkhs
  • 6 Points
  • 19:29:51, 16 April

I think he means that she ate meat. Many traditional Indian communities are strict vegetarians and so a partner that eats meat could be a problem

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 2 Points
  • 19:40:29, 16 April

That truly is fascinating to me... I honestly didnt know if "touching chicken" was a metaphor for something else, but I kind of had the idea that he meant eating meat or touching an actual chicken... just wasnt sure of the significance of the chicken was. Not meaning disrespect, I was thinking "is the chicken sacred, or not kosher or something" Im terribly ignorant when it comes to this culture. Thanks for the answer!

  • [-]
  • klobster2
  • 1 Points
  • 22:26:36, 16 April

I was thinking it had to do with touching uncooked chicken. Glad I wasn't the only one confused.

  • [-]
  • Whisper
  • -4 Points
  • 20:38:26, 16 April

As a regular red pill poster, I'm not disturbed by this. Going into mating decisions with a clear head and a conscious awareness of what the pros and cons are is a good thing.

However, I think you need to make a distinction between the notion of an arranged marriage, and that of "traditional Indian culture".

You came here for a reason. We have something here that you wanted. And it's because of our culture that we had it. You don't get to benefit from that, and then suddenly pretend it's no good.

America is a club that we let people join. But in order to join, you must accept the important traditions of the club.

One of these is individualism. That's the idea that people belong to themselves, and exist for their own benefit, not someone else's.

So it's perfectly okay for you to help your daughter find someone, or even to choose someone for her. But it's important to do so according to her individual needs and those of the man in question, not the demands of Indian culture, or your own convenience.

I would advise you to look outside the traditional Indian community. Your elder daughter has seen something in your younger daughter's life that she desires, but it isn't "speaking Hindi" or "traditional dances" or the other surface aspects of Indian culture.

It is the relationship, the family.

The modern American "party-girl" lifestyle isn't part of our culture either. It's a feminist experiment, and it hasn't brought our young women happiness.

So I would advise you to focus, not on finding an Indian man who's desperate enough to take what most traditional Indian men would consider a bad deal, but on finding a (probably Western) man who doesn't care about things like chicken or alcohol, but shares the core values of family and rejects the Great Feminist Slut Experiment^TM .

Find some solid, conservative, older white men who are still single because they don't like the way American girls have been acting. Introduce your daughter to them.

  • [-]
  • drallcom3
  • 1 Points
  • 22:40:08, 16 April

She won't have any success in the traditional Indian dating world. She is too old now and her previous lifestyle is hard to tolerate even for a western man.

  • [-]
  • Noble_toaster
  • -5 Points
  • 20:17:18, 16 April

I think you owe it to the young men you know to not set them up with your daughter.

  • [-]
  • RadioFreeNola
  • -7 Points
  • 21:09:23, 16 April

Welcome to American liberalism. If you say anything about her getting wasted and sucking seven dicks at a frat party, then you are just a troglodyte holding on to the evil ways of the patriarchy. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a daughter with any sort of values in America right now. Good luck...