[UPDATE] My wife has lost all interest in sex, and says this is normal for married couples. (self.AskMen)

AskMen

233 ups - 50 downs = 183 votes

Hello friends, I posted here a while back and got some very detailed advice.

TL;DR of original post: Basically the title. Wife of one year only has vanilla sex infrequently and doesn't seem to enjoy it, also makes me feel bad for wanting more/kinky stuff.


I took the biggest advice I was getting here, which was to talk to her openly about it and make it clear that both of us needed to compromise and have our sexual needs met. At first, I asked her to go see a counselor with me like a lot of you suggested. She was vehemently against it (it has to do with her past unrelated experiences with a counselor, she swears she'll never go to one again because they are useless.)

So I said, "okay but you have to talk to me completely openly and don't hold anything back. Answer all my questions". She agreed.

For the next two hours of so, we talked a lot. At first, she was just hinting at some mental blocks she was having but I finally got out more information from her. Turns out that even though she regrets a lot of her past sex and abusive exes, she still misses the variety of sex with a lot of different people / different styles / different sizes / etc. She tried comparing it to a food buffet, where if you only eat bread it'll start to taste bland after a while. After we were done talking (well, it was more of an argument at this point) she started crying and said she didn't want to tell me this because she loves me as a husband and doesn't want me to feel bad. But she doesn't know how to solve her issue.

I was pretty hurt as this conversation went on. I know she was experienced while I have only been with 1 one-night stand before meeting her, so I was hardly a Casanova in bed. But I tried earnestly to learn what she liked and to spice it up during our dating phase, and I thought she enjoyed it too! So now I'm thinking wtf, if she enjoyed it then did she just start getting bored of my sexual ability later on?

So she started crying, and I comforted her. But at the same time, I made it clear that we were gonna have to solve our problem somehow, we can't just let it fester. She asked me to wear a dildo while having sex with her because she said a lot of her previous partners were well-endowed and that even though I'm a great lover, she misses the variety of exploring different sized penises.

I'm angry, Reddit. Angry not only because she strung me along like this for so long without telling what was the matter, but also it just makes me feel like such a small man to be asked to wear a dildo during sex and pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'm not the biggest guy out there but I've put my heart and soul into making this girl as satisfied as possible - sexually, romantically, platonically, financially, whatever! And now being told that from now on, she wants me to wear extra appendages because somehow she's lost her attraction with my body and wants more.

How do I take it from here? I don't know how many of you have been told straight-up that you are inadequate, but it really does make me feel like a piece of shit. If I wear a synthetic penis when having sex with her, every time I put it on I'll be reminded that I'm not good enough for her. I can't go through with it, definitely not forever. But I fear that if I refuse, she might withdraw even more and then the worst could happen. Separation. Divorce. Who knows.

I love this girl with all my heart and I still think she loves me equally. But I don't understand why she would make a vow of marriage while still longing for her past sexual experiences, why she can't just enjoy me for who I am. And I feel pretty hurt because that implies she pretended to enjoy me for the last two years before getting married, or it somehow magically dried up recently. I don't know what to think anymore, or do.

TL;DR: My wife says she misses the variety of having a diverse sexual experience with different people. Asked me to put on a dildo while having sex from now on, just to see if that would help give her that variety back. I don't want to do it.

254 comments submitted at 16:21:01 on Apr 25, 2014 by StockholmSynd

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 116 Points
  • 16:36:03, 25 April

That the thing... there are compromises and deal breakers. Sounds like her compromise is your deal breaker.

I commend you for having an open discussion. Sounds like it got derailed, but I think you did your best given her responses. Still, this is what you needed and at least you know where you stand.

I seriously fear that she would end up stepping out on you to get what she wants. I hate even saying that, but being unhappy with your sex life can do that to people.

You did speak of compromise, and there could still be some compromise. Can you not use a larger toy on her, instead of having to strap something on? Can you get her something that she can use on herself while you pay attention to other parts of her body? If you dont want to use a strapon you shouldnt have to if thats a deal breaker for you, but there are other ways for her to experience that without you having to get strapped in.

Did you speak about what you needed, and what you wanted, was she open to any of that? She needs to come out of her comfort zone too if she really wants to make this work. Thats how compromise works. You give a little, she gives a little. If shes not willing to give any at all, and only wants you to make changes then this is a red flag in my opinion.

The outright refusal to see a councilor with you is also a red flag in my opinion. Making relationships work is a two way street, and its sounds like you are doing some good work to make communication happen, but she needs to work too. If shes not I hate to say it, but you need to consider if this relationship can survive the long run. Is she working as hard as you, or just making demands of you that you are uncomfortable with, while in return doing nothing herself? If you keep going this way it will lead to some serious resentment.

Her actions in this will really be telling of how solid her commitment to you is.

  • [-]
  • ryansouth21
  • 29 Points
  • 18:29:01, 25 April

> The outright refusal to see a councilor with you is also a red flag in my opinion

I was thinking the same thing. In the least, a marriage counselor would help the conversation not get de-railed like it seemed to have, and truly allow you both to have a meaningful conversation and assess your marriage at this point.

  • [-]
  • IraDeLucis
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:02, 25 April

There are counselors out there that specialize in sex therapy. They have techniques and information and experience tailored toward this type of problem. And they continue to learn new things to help solve this exact type of problem every day.
Maybe try to use a different word. A counselor is usually someone that is largely seen as a bad thing. Someone you see when you're mentally sick. (This isn't true, but it may be a stigma she has toward them.) It almost sounds more like a counselor took advantage of her in the past.
Tell her that seeing someone like a sex therapist can help you both learn to bring that variety back into your sex life.

  • [-]
  • Biggar
  • 4 Points
  • 18:54:25, 25 April

In addition to this, if you're still willing to fix things, it might be worth it to both make a Want/Will/Won't list and compare them. That should identify clear boundaries and areas where you can compromise.

Sexplanations has an excellent video on this!

  • [-]
  • ReverendDizzle
  • 3 Points
  • 18:55:52, 25 April

> You did speak of compromise, and there could still be some compromise. Can you not use a larger toy on her, instead of having to strap something on?

I vote for hitting the front door with a titan-class dildo while attacking the back door.

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 5 Points
  • 19:01:40, 25 April

Its all about the Titan Class Dildo. When you absolutely positively have to stuff the hugest thing you can in there, accept no substitute.

  • [-]
  • ReverendDizzle
  • 1 Points
  • 19:22:27, 25 April

Absolutely. Many a man has been demoted for providing frigate-class dildo when the vagina they were facing off against demanded titan-class.

No substitutions or exchanges allowed in the the world of dildo deployment.

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 1 Points
  • 19:42:22, 25 April

Titan Class... the only way to be sure.

DO IT FOR AMERICA.

  • [-]
  • NoActualSuperPowers
  • 1 Points
  • 19:34:21, 25 April

Titan? Pfft, it's all about The Great American Challenge

  • [-]
  • luker_man
  • 1 Points
  • 19:49:36, 25 April

>I vote for hitting the front door with a titan-class dildo[1] while attacking the back door.

Eren! NO!

  • [-]
  • StockholmSynd
  • 6 Points
  • 18:59:36, 25 April

I could try using other toys and things, but the issue here is that it makes me feel like less of a man. I can't explain it. I wish I could. It's just a terrible feeling to have to revert to use synthetic devices because your wife wishes you had a bigger penis or she gets bored of having just you as a sex partner. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, I was raised pretty conservatively and I believe that once two people are married, they should accept each other's bodies. Unless someone gets disfigured, fat, etc

EDIT: Oh, and as for the counselor thing, she thinks they just take your money and scam you. I can't change her mind on that.

  • [-]
  • Your_dad_likes_dick
  • 1 Points
  • 19:12:11, 25 April

Using toys doesn't make you any less of a man and that mindset is really destructive in relationships. It should be more about enjoying yourselves and exploring the possibilities than some sort of ritual where you are limiting yourselves to one sort of experience. Try playing around with using a dildo to please her (not necessarily a strap on) and you might find that you enjoy it.

TL;DR try anal

  • [-]
  • ohno__cupid
  • 1 Points
  • 19:38:43, 25 April

It's true that using toys in itself should be fine, but using toys because she desires sex with other men.. I don't know why OP should have to be okay with that or else be considered "destructive".

The only destructive thing here has been her constantly deceitful attitude.

  • [-]
  • cosmicsans
  • 1 Points
  • 19:35:55, 25 April

She does accept you, she just WANTS variety. If my SO said something along these lines, I would assume that she enjoys my company and my stability, but she still wants to get dicked by rando's all the time.

However, though, I wouldn't be unwilling to use toys in the bedroom, as long as my needs were met too? Can you fuck her with the strap on, and then actually fuck her after? Or will she be done after that? Does it have to be a strap-on? Can you just play around with things like lube and stuff?

And honestly, what's your foreplay situation like? Is there any? If not, maybe start there?

  • [-]
  • Squoze
  • 1 Points
  • 19:41:07, 25 April

Man, im really sorry to hear this.

This really appears to be an irrevocable situation. I know you dont want to hear this, but it might be time to go your seperate ways.

You deserve to be with someone that will take you as your are, and on the other side of the coin if your wife wants this "variety" she is looking for she can search for that... although I think that ultimately she would still be unhappy trading love and commitment for just sex. But thats just my take on it.

The only thing that will likely result from you two staying together is frustration on both your parts. These arent the kind of things that will change. Her words are going to stick with you, and the resentment will likely continue to grow.

Im really sorry man. Take care of yourself.

  • [-]
  • puppysnuff
  • 1 Points
  • 19:30:58, 25 April

As men, we've been trained to think that a woman wanting to use a toy signifies an inadequacy on our part. This idea is wrong. Toys are tools of sex just like porn.

I'm not saying that there aren't other problems in your marriage, and your side should definitely be compromising with you, but try not to take her asking you for a strap on toy as a commentary on you as a man. I love big tits and I'm fortunate I can be honest with my SO about it. On occasion, we hit up a strip club. She takes it for what it is: something that I enjoy, not an indictment of her attributes.

In any case, I hope she is willing to work with you to make the marriage succeed. Divorce blows.

  • [-]
  • cosmicsans
  • 1 Points
  • 19:32:05, 25 April

When in relationship, great sex represents only about 10% of the relationship, but when you are having bad sex or no sex that represents 90% of the relationship.

  • [-]
  • r0p
  • 53 Points
  • 16:51:02, 25 April

Wearing a dildo (or cock sheathe as that would be less awkward than a dildo) will probably not make you a better lover. If she wants to feel filled I would suggest some sort of larger toys (that you use on her while doing something else..or she uses on herself while you are otherwise occupied) but a sheathe will leave your dick feeling numb and most likely take the steam out of your sex game.

I wish she hadn't picked the worst possible way to bring up her size queen-ness. You are entirely justified in feeling angry and insecure and she is the one who should be trying to make things better with you.

You doing things for her without some sort of reciprocation on her part is not compromise, it's her being selfish. Like /u/Squoze says there are a number of red flags here (like her refusal to see a therapist) that make it seem like she is not willing to put in the work and wants you to magically make things better.

My suggestion is that you stand up for yourself and tell her how she makes you feel (inadequate) and that you will need to see a lot of work on her part to make things better. I also suggest you seriously consider your exit plan.

  • [-]
  • Jrex13
  • 44 Points
  • 17:15:21, 25 April

You're going to resent this woman for saying these things, and I doubt there's anything in the world she could do to fix that. And that's assuming she cares enough to try.

You're probably already feeling it now. Imagine waking up next to her every day with that bubbling hatred, or worse with no feeling at all.

Push for counseling. Hopefully your lawyer can use her refusal to give you an upper hand in the divorce.

You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to have sex with you, or at the very least you deserve to not be used by someone who just wants to marry anyone with a stable job.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 246 Points
  • 16:33:16, 25 April

> she still misses the variety of sex with a lot of different people / different styles / different sizes / etc. She tried comparing it to a food buffet, where if you only eat bread it'll start to taste bland after a while. After we were done talking (well, it was more of an argument at this point) she started crying and said she didn't want to tell me this because she loves me as a husband and doesn't want me to feel bad. But she doesn't know how to solve her issue.

Ouch. I would be nicely and gently wishing her the best in her next marriage and then move on.

Why? Because she told you that she does not find you sexually stimulating. She likes variety and is a "size queen". These are pretty fundamental preferences, and you will not be negotiating them away.

But she does like the security and stability you provide her in the domestic sphere. Gee, great. She likes your wallet and dependency, but has no interest in you sexually. That is no consolation prize, and it always surprises me when a gal offers that as some sort of "this should be enough" participation trophy to their guy.

Stop putting yourself through the agony of trying to negotiate upwards her very low desire for you. It will not happen. She should not have married you under the very false pretense of being a woman who wanted a monogamous sexual relationship with you. She didn't. Maybe she didn't know that at the time (doubtful), but it does not matter.

Go find a gal who does find you sexually stimulating. And be decent to your current partner as you separate, because she did tell you the truth, and that is a rare enough thing in your situation that you should acknowledge her honesty in addressing this problem.

EDIT: And do I have to mention this? If she seeks sex all of the sudden, and you actually go there, Birth Control, under your control! Every time. Do NOT have kids or risk having kids with this woman at this time.

  • [-]
  • lucmuh
  • 80 Points
  • 16:46:07, 25 April

Divorce sounded hard at first, but it's true what this guy says. Really does sound like she's lost interest ín you. You would be better off with someone else who actually wants to have you.

  • [-]
  • ButterMyBiscuit
  • 17 Points
  • 18:05:57, 25 April

The sooner he divorces her the sooner he can be happy again. Not divorcing her now is just prolonging the inevitable and unnecessarily slogging through a sad and bitter life.

  • [-]
  • Parabolix
  • 17 Points
  • 17:12:33, 25 April

At risk of oversimplifying things, to add to the rationale, it could be seen as win-win. OP gets to find someone more meaningful to him and the woman is given the opportunity relative to her that can give her the best of both worlds (at the cost of her current domestic stability)

Nonetheless we'll need more feedback from OP in order to help.

  • [-]
  • spotH3D
  • 1 Points
  • 18:07:02, 25 April

Yeah she's still young enough that she can still get attention if she kept up her appearances.

Just sayin, if she was 35+ she might find herself in for a rude surprise, to go back to casual sexing and then hope to find some quality man with options to commit to her later.

  • [-]
  • RedSocks157
  • 9 Points
  • 18:58:54, 25 April

This is good advice. I just can't imagine being locked into a marriage with someone who treated me that way sexually.

  • [-]
  • skarbowski
  • 24 Points
  • 17:37:47, 25 April

This. The marriage can only go South at this point.

Best to cut your losses and find someone who does find you sexually stimulating.

  • [-]
  • TheRunningLiving
  • 1 Points
  • 19:16:58, 25 April

/u/Stayinghereforreal keeping it real like a boss.

  • [-]
  • Macrologia
  • 9 Points
  • 17:59:42, 25 April

Sex and financial dependency are not the only things in marriage. I don't think the point about security and stability in the domestic sphere is a fair shot.

The rest, though, I do agree.

  • [-]
  • 5hawnking5
  • 9 Points
  • 18:09:12, 25 April

man this is just sex theyre discussing. You have minimal knowledge of the rest of the relationship to be advocating divorce (IMO)

  • [-]
  • Vwyx
  • 13 Points
  • 18:44:56, 25 April

If she's a size queen, and has been sublimating her sex drive for their entire marriage, I can't see any kind of real emotional connection here. She's lied about one of the fundamental aspects of their relationship, and if I were him I'd doubt her commitment to any other aspect as well. This one's a doozy, and I think that alone it would be grounds for seriously considering divorce. What if a dude told his wife that he thought she wasn't sexy now, but he'd consider it if she got a boob job? It'd wreck her self-esteem and if she wanted to leave, nobody would give it a second thought no matter how loving he was otherwise.

  • [-]
  • duksa
  • 1 Points
  • 19:26:54, 25 April

Also I'm afraid to say it, but if she isn't satisfied sexually with her husband, there might be a possibility of an affair. I'm just putting it out there on the table because I'm sure it has happened before.

  • [-]
  • law_guy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:44:33, 25 April

> there might be a possibility of an affair

From how it sounds, it's only a matter of time.

  • [-]
  • raziphel
  • 0 Points
  • 19:00:38, 25 April

just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.

  • [-]
  • Vwyx
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:16, 25 April

My point is that one of the pillars of the relationship has been shattered. No matter how sturdy the others are, the relationship is permanently hurt in a way that it will almost certainly never recover from, especially since she refuses to see a counselor.

  • [-]
  • 5hawnking5
  • 1 Points
  • 19:01:14, 25 April

"If this" and "If that" are contingent on things that we don't know. AND IF the relationship is based on sex before anything else, its doomed anyways. It sounds more like they had a great relationship that she was willing to put her sexual desires on hold because everything else worked well, and the sex was otherwise "good enough" to be satisfactory. They only JUST NOW began talking about the issue. Going straight for divorce without working out any resolution is silly, after all that's invested in the relationship. Sex is important, and if the only thing missing is a little size differential then man up and strap it on every now and then. If my SO wasn't satisfied but could tell me what would do the job (and it didn't involve bringing other people into the scene) i'm all for it.

  • [-]
  • Vwyx
  • 1 Points
  • 19:15:13, 25 April

They "only now" began to talk about the sex because he hit his breaking point- this is the part where he COULD NOT CONTINUE in his relationship without having his needs met. She was putting BOTH of their sexual desires on hold because she couldn't feel satisfied with him, and lied about it, to his face, for years. The sex was not "good enough," it was virtually nonexistent. Neither are happy, and both have tried to compromise. If she insists on not seeing a counselor, then there is honestly very little that he can do, especially since any progress could easily be seen by him as her faking satisfaction again. There's no trust, and no goal for the trust anymore. Divorce is an extreme, sure, but it's one that is DEFINITELY worth considering. My advice would be to at least see a lawyer.

  • [-]
  • englishdegree
  • -13 Points
  • 17:56:42, 25 April

I completely disagree with you and here's why.

Women often wear different bras that make their boobs look bigger or perkier; women often wear outfits like schoolgirl outfits or cute matching bras and panties or sexy lingerie to spice things up. On the other hand, men don't tend to do that. Your dick looks the same, tastes the same, feels the same every single time you have sex with your wife. Men don't usually wear outfits or lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom, so your entire body probably looks/feels/tastes exactly the same every single time as well. I can definitely see why some wives might get bored, and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want a bit more variety sometimes.

If you had a thing for a variety of tit sizes, and you married a girl with small tits, maybe sometimes you would ask her to spice it up and wear a padded pushup bra during sex so you could get some variety and excitement. That's pretty similar to what OPs wife seems to be asking him to do with using a dildo.

Also, there's literally nothing in OPs post that indicates that his wife uses him for his money, nor that he even makes more money than her. That's pretty presumptuous.

  • [-]
  • _Yellow
  • 54 Points
  • 18:10:36, 25 April

> If you had a thing for a variety of tit sizes, and you married a girl with small tits, maybe sometimes you would ask her to spice it up and wear a padded pushup bra during sex so you could get some variety and excitement.

Wearing a push up bra is a bit different to wearing a strap-on, it would be more like if your boyfriend wanted you to wear a vagina tightening device that removed all sensation from you during sex because he misses fucking girls who were tighter than you..

  • [-]
  • arhombus
  • 23 Points
  • 18:32:40, 25 April

As silly as it is, this is a much better analogy.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 9 Points
  • 18:50:05, 25 April

Well, wearing a cock sheathe / strap-on is pretty damn silly too.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 17 Points
  • 18:11:37, 25 April

> If you had a thing for variety of tit sizes, and you married a girl with small tits, maybe sometimes you would ask her to switch it up and wear a padded pushup bra during sex to spice things up in the bedroom.

You left out the part that she is not having decent sex with him at present. This is not about "spicing things up" This is more akin to a guy saying to his wife, "We don't have sex because I don't like women who are your body size. And I would prefer to have variety, not just you."

Since you ungraciously personalized this, and put me in the situation, let me work with that: If I was saying to that hypothetical woman you create, "Meh, I am not too keen on your vagina, to be honest, and I like variety in my sex partners, so that is why you are not exciting to me." my guess is you would not be taking my side. I would hope not, anyway, because you should not.

BTW, I did not say she uses him for money. That is your word, not mine. OP indicated he busts his bud to financially provide for her. My guess is, like any spouse, male or female, she likes that about him. So when you say "literally nothing" in his post indicates blah blah, you are not really responding to my post, or acknowledging what is in his. You are just making up my position and the OP's letter.

  • [-]
  • sohja
  • 3 Points
  • 18:16:57, 25 April

Wasn't this guy still getting sex 2 times a week though?

  • [-]
  • casablancababe
  • 10 Points
  • 18:38:03, 25 April

Shitty sex does not a good time make.

  • [-]
  • JJTheJetPlane5657
  • 2 Points
  • 18:22:34, 25 April

> You left out the part that she is not having sex with him at present.

You left out the part where they have sex twice a week

  • [-]
  • englishdegree
  • -3 Points
  • 18:21:18, 25 April

> So when you say "literally nothing" in his post indicates blah blah, you are not really responding to my post

Actually you said right in your post:

>But she does like the security and stability you provide her in the domestic sphere. Gee, great. She likes your wallet and dependency

Maybe his wife works really hard at her job too. Maybe she makes more money than him. Maybe they both work a ton and she busts her bud at work as well. Maybe they make equal amounts. The fact that he busts his bud financially does not mean that his wife just likes his wallet and dependency. You're being presumptuous by saying that she likes the wallet he provides her.

>You left out the part that she is not having sex with him at present.

You are mistaken. They are having sex twice a week at the moment. See the original post:

>Now we have sex maybe twice a week

That's slightly lower than average for a married couple, but well within the range of what's normal. Also, if you re-read OP's post, you will see that his wife did not say she's not sexually interested in him at all, she just said she misses having a variety. Which makes sense since men tend to not wear lingerie/sexy outfits the way women do, and his entire body (including his junk) probably looks and feels exactly the same day in and day out. It can get boring quick, and she'd like some variety in her sex life. Maybe she should have just asked him to use toys/dildos on her instead of wearing one himself during sex, but other than that, I don't see the big deal.

And in response to your hypothetical - if a man was having sex with his wife twice a week and got bored, and then told her that he wishes he could have a variety of vagina tightnesses, I would understand that as well. If he asked her to wear some sort of vaginal tightness device that makes her receive no pleasure during sex, then maybe she could just say "hey let's compromise and I'll use a really tight fleshlight on you once in a while to spice things up." Which is exactly what OP can do in this situation by suggesting to his wife that he could just use large toys/dildos on her sometimes instead of wearing one. It's called communication and compromise, and I truly don't think it's a big issue.

  • [-]
  • AnEndgamePawn
  • 1 Points
  • 19:07:01, 25 April

You're arguing over the difference between enhancing what is yours for sexual excitement (wear a pushup bra, workout more, use a fleshlight/dildo once in a while), and wanting something completely different from what is yours for sexual excitement (wanting different sized dicks and "styles", aka people, regularly) . One's wrong, the other one's OK. OP's wife could fall into either of these categories, we don't have enough info so he's the one that needs to determine where she stands.

  • [-]
  • CGord
  • 6 Points
  • 18:15:56, 25 April

Don't wear one yourself, but go dildo/vibrator shopping online with her. Buy differing sizes, shapes, etc. DP her with you and one of her new toys, it's sexy as hell. Use the toys to embellish sex with your cock, not replace it.

  • [-]
  • Jasmene2012
  • 54 Points
  • 16:39:37, 25 April

She is just lying. She knows you wouldn't do that. There is more to it. You have to dig more and more.

  • [-]
  • StockholmSynd
  • 1 Points
  • 19:11:59, 25 April

Haha well that's gonna take a while... our discussion ended in a big fight and we haven't spoken for almost a day now. I'll try to get her to come back to the table tonight and talk with me.

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 1 Points
  • 19:39:51, 25 April

She's cheating, man. Think about it. Try and gather evidence. No joke, here.

  • [-]
  • ohno__cupid
  • 1 Points
  • 19:48:17, 25 April

Not a guy but, honestly, I think you deserve better than this. It's up to you to see what you deserve, though. So far you know that

a) she isn't honest

b) your needs are incompatible

c) she needs sex with different men

Not saying you should divorce her right away. But how about leaving the ball in her camp this time and waiting until she initiates discussion? I'm afraid you're too soft (no pun intended) for her and this type of situation.

  • [-]
  • nigglereddit
  • 1 Points
  • 19:50:53, 25 April

Sorry to hear that neighbor.

For what it's worth, I'm on the same path as you for different reasons. Here's how I see it: I absolutely, definitely respect her right to want what she wants and to pursue it. But I have the same right and what I want is not to have to spend my life providing what she wants even though that makes me feel like shit.

I love her and I hope she can get what she wants. But I am not going to feel bad for not allowing myself to be used as a walking cash machine and slave. Not now, not ever.

  • [-]
  • APrivatephilosophy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:43:44, 25 April

If you love her and she loves you, it can work. Keep working, keep talking.

Been there, and done that in my marriage. It is tough and uncomfortable, and you're both vulnerable to each other. Try not to hurt each other and be understanding.

One thing someone else said that i agree with is that her asking you to use a strap-on was her asking you on purpose to do something she knows you won't do, that she's got other motives. I agree, and I think you need to ask more questions. If she's been unfaithful, you gotta make a lot of really painful decisions.

Not wanting to see counselors isn't a red flag. I know I'd be humiliated to sit in front of a stranger who I'm paying for advice or listening time from. So the people freaking out about her not wanting to go to counseling are begin pretty dramatic, I think.

If it's just sex that needs fixing, it can be fixed.

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 51 Points
  • 16:43:37, 25 April

Given OP isn't a troll and we take the story at face value. Yes, she is probably already cheating. And that whole *charade is trying to hurt him enough that he finally files for divorce so it isn't her doing.

  • [-]
  • luker_man
  • 4 Points
  • 17:29:11, 25 April

The whole spleen?

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 6 Points
  • 17:34:33, 25 April

Sorry, it is a false friend. The word has a different meaning in English than in German.

I'll fix it.

  • [-]
  • luker_man
  • 3 Points
  • 17:37:13, 25 April

Explain Like I'm American: what does "The Whole Spleen" mean?

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 8 Points
  • 17:44:31, 25 April

A "spleen" is a crazy idea usually by an eccentric person. Crazy idea here would be her idea of him wearing a dildo to satisfy her. I included "whole" to expand it to her complete ruse about how she always was a size queen and has that unsatisfiable craving for big dick.

  • [-]
  • _Yellow
  • 2 Points
  • 18:53:44, 25 April

Spiel is the equivalent word in english by the sound of it.

  • [-]
  • Blahblahblahinternet
  • 1 Points
  • 19:13:34, 25 April

So, do Germans have spleens inside their bodies, too? Is that the dry German humor I'm always hearing about?

  • [-]
  • Jasmene2012
  • 9 Points
  • 17:01:41, 25 April

She knows what would hurt him the most and struck in one shot.

  • [-]
  • txroller
  • 2 Points
  • 18:47:59, 25 April

yep this makes sense sadly enough. if OP isn't sure he should hire a PI to confirm or just kick her to the curb asap and move on with a new start.

  • [-]
  • skarbowski
  • 4 Points
  • 17:39:05, 25 April

I'm going to have to agree with this.

  • [-]
  • mudra311
  • 10 Points
  • 17:12:05, 25 April

This is the best interpretation. Of course she couldn't expect him to do that. And if he does, she loses all respect for him.

  • [-]
  • joshj392
  • 7 Points
  • 18:11:31, 25 April

It absolutely saddens me to read this, because I married a woman this way 20 years ago.. We stayed together for the kids. Just got divorced last month, and I regret almost the entire marriage. I'm sorry, OP.

  • [-]
  • sadsadguy789
  • 11 Points
  • 17:45:50, 25 April

For some less drastic advice. Is it possible for you to provide variety in your sex life through other means? role playing, different positions, different toys, you don't have to use a strap-on but there is nothing wrong with using a dildo.

If what she is looking for is variety, it might not be variety of dick size but variety in sex. I think there is the potential that things will work out if you both can figure out how to spice up your sex life.

  • [-]
  • macfergusson
  • 4 Points
  • 18:43:35, 25 April

I would say that is appropriate advice in a situation where this conversation took place without all the prior history and context. When both sides are trying, and one happens to feel like it could be better, that is one thing. This is an entirely different situation that has a lot of baggage already. With what has already been described, I'm not sure that her newly revealed information can be trusted to begin with.

  • [-]
  • icedcat
  • 4 Points
  • 19:01:26, 25 April

I bet she is cheating on you.

  • [-]
  • dontsuckbeawesome
  • 31 Points
  • 16:38:46, 25 April

I said it in the first thread, I'll say it again - divorce. This just further confirms it.

  • [-]
  • altafullahu
  • 9 Points
  • 17:32:50, 25 April

Hmm, I just want to say your wife made it pretty clear that she was not ready for the transition of "multiple partner sex" life to married life. For some reason she never really thought either that things would change (I doubt this one) or that sex in it of itself would magically be as spontaneous and robust as it once was.

I hate when people string other people along with a carrot on a stick, especially letting things fester and manifest into an explosion of words and arguments later. Marriage is supposed to be the dedication of ones heart, soul and life to another - I don't think anyone can truly refute that. It seems now more than ever that some people like the idea of marriage but when it comes down to it some just aren't cut out for it.

This is a true sign of immaturity and refusal to accept current situations for what they are and not what a person thinks they should be. Your wife needs to grow up and understand that marriage is a 2 way street, yes there will be moments where times are low and times are high but saying what she is saying is both uncalled for and completely emasculating.

I don't want to echo what it seems /r/relationshipadvice and /r/datingadvice love to suggest which is drop and move on, but really, that's the only option if you cannot resolve this. It's extremely unreasonable for her to ask you to do something which you're not comfortable with AND removing any sense of pride from the bedroom. You brother need to stand your ground, who cares if you are big or small, thick or thin - beyond that you are doing whatever you can for your woman. If she can't see that then it's better you just move forward and bless another woman with what you have to offer cause clearly she can't see it.

I wish you the best of luck.

  • [-]
  • Lavos_Spawn
  • 10 Points
  • 18:10:38, 25 April

You wanted her to be honest and you got what you wanted. Now you can either satisfy the desire she asked for OR you can leave, but either way things would be pretty good imo.

  • [-]
  • ethanyelad
  • 5 Points
  • 18:33:53, 25 April

I don't think it's an issue with your penis size, but it sounds like that's how you are taking it. As a man who has had sex with a variety of different women I understand her viewpoint. my biggest fear about getting married is giving up the ability to have a variety of sexual partners. this does not mean that I am not attracted to my SO it just means that I miss the experience of different partners. I understand how demeaning it can be to be asked to use a strapon, but I don't believe it is because she thinks you are inadequate. If you are open to her about how you feel about using the toy she will most likely understand, however I doubt she ALWAYS wants you to use it, and I'm sure after she gets off from it she will be totally up for doing any kinky thing you want. I think that you are taking this the wrong way, even though I think this comment will be unpopular.

  • [-]
  • Unfle
  • 15 Points
  • 17:00:24, 25 April

She wants/needs a bigger, better dick, and one way or another she's going to get it if she wants it

  • [-]
  • effyoucancer
  • 9 Points
  • 17:42:19, 25 April

Not just that, but multiples of each.

  • [-]
  • ReverendDizzle
  • 3 Points
  • 18:57:25, 25 April

Cheaper by the dozen?

  • [-]
  • yomammaspoodle
  • 1 Points
  • 18:32:05, 25 April

I am seeing this older woman that was married with a man that didn't touch her for 10 years. She says that she eventually had to find that satisfaction other places. I totally agree with you. If she's not getting it from her husband, eventually she WILL get it from somewhere else. Another woman that I work with around the same age said the same thing.

  • [-]
  • Tall_LA_Bull
  • 1 Points
  • 19:03:05, 25 April

Wow...so she went from being completely withdrawn to saying the most hurtful thing possible. Sounds like she's really angry for some reason. Could be at you, could be at something else, but she's angry, all right.

  • [-]
  • PadrePiedra
  • 1 Points
  • 19:07:21, 25 April

Man, if she would divorce you because you didn't wear a fake penis then she'll divorce you for some other stupid shallow shit. She is being really selfish and unreasonable in my mind.

Also, how in the hell does this make any sense when just before she was wanting to get away from all the more "adventurous" sexuality and her means by which to escape these things is to have more strange adventurous sex?

  • [-]
  • Whisper
  • 35 Points
  • 17:37:14, 25 April

Hooooly shit.

This, young men of reddit, isn't why you don't try to turn a ho into a housewife. Because hoes don't act right.

I'm deeply sorry, man, but in my experience, women don't really miss variety, and size doesn't matter that much. What matters is if she respects and looks up to you, and is into what you are doing. Female orgasms come from psychological excitement first, and only then from physical stimulation.

This means you were her Plan B. She married you because she couldn't get any of those other guys who rode her when she was younger to commit to her. Women can often "punch above their weight class" in the hookup market.

It brings me no joy to tell you this, but she doesn't love you at all, and your best move is to extract yourself from this failed relationship as soon as possible, work on being the kind of man a woman can look up to and respect, and then find a woman who will do just that.

  • [-]
  • MasonJarTeaDrinker
  • 13 Points
  • 17:46:52, 25 April

I hate to agree with you because I feel bad for this guy but you're probably right. She settled and now she's realizing that she fucked up, she doesn't respect him like she should and he doesn't need a lame woman like that in his life.

  • [-]
  • strongdworkin
  • 1 Points
  • 19:07:05, 25 April

>This, young men of reddit, isn't why you don't try to turn a ho into a housewife. Because hoes don't act right.

What the fuck? So just because a woman freely explores her sexuality and has many partners in safe, consensual environments... she's a ho who doesn't "act right"?

The 1950s called, they miss you and want you back.

  • [-]
  • Matthew94
  • 1 Points
  • 19:27:33, 25 April

>they miss you and want you back.

His wife isn't saying the same, heyoooo.

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 1 Points
  • 19:38:41, 25 April

Nah, man. He's right. You don't turn the kinky, freaky, "sexually liberated" girl into a completely different person by putting a ring on her finger. She is going to miss that buffet of lovers that she once knew when she was a young woman in exactly the same kind of way that OP's wife did. Especially if she's a size queen and you can't fulfill that need.

Besides, nobody is saying that she's not acting right for exploring her sexuality in safe, consensual environments. What we're saying is that she's acting pretty much the way a ho would act, and will probably double down on this pattern of behavior as this lustless sham of a marriage drags on. Once a woman lives that life, it's hard to drag herself out of that mindset.

  • [-]
  • Whisper
  • 1 Points
  • 19:58:16, 25 April

Marrying a man you don't love or respect because you want a husband (and fuck his needs) isn't "acting right".

Telling him his dick is inadequate and he needs to put on a strap-on isn't "acting right".

The thing about "freely" doing anything is that freedom and responsibility go together. You do what you decide to do, and you are responsible for what happens as a result.

"You only get to be young once, and those years matter. If you invest that time in riding cocks for which you can't remember the names attached, and solving the mystery of what is at the bottom of the wine bottle, what does that investment get you? A lot of empty bottles, and empty relationships. "

The limit on her freedom to live her life as he chooses is his freedom to live his life as he chooses. If she chooses to spend her twenties riding the Penis Train, then she can do that... but neither he, nor you, nor I, nor anyone, is obliged to be waiting at the last stop with a bouquet of roses and a wedding ring.

Being a wife is not a right. Having a husband is not a right. Men are not an entitlement. Men are people, and our affection and commitment must be earned. We are not at home to the "I do whatever I want with my vagina, but you do exactly what I want with your dick" plan for male and female relationships.

I think it's time for him to "freely explore his sexuality with many partners".

  • [-]
  • barristonsmellme
  • 1 Points
  • 19:41:56, 25 April

She wants bigger dick, and more variety. She's married to him, but that's what she wants.

So no one's saying it's bad for women to explore their sexuality and know what they want, but why the fuck would you marry someone knowing what they have to offer and knowing it won't be enough?

That's a fast track to divorce if you're not willing to compromise.

It's hardly a 50's belief that a wife is meant to love and be faithful to their husband, because the same is expected of the husband.

  • [-]
  • luker_man
  • 17 Points
  • 17:28:18, 25 April

Not directed at you OP, but can I just say that this is what some men fear when entering into a relationship with a formerly promiscuous woman? I hate that this had to happen to you OP. But this is a perfect example of what some guys fear.

  • [-]
  • pokethepig
  • 1 Points
  • 19:05:45, 25 April

I think people in general (regardless of gender) can feel insecure when they are with someone more sexually experienced than themselves when it comes to comparing yourself or fearing being compared to ex lovers.

  • [-]
  • luker_man
  • 1 Points
  • 19:17:32, 25 April

True. But I don't think there's a female equivalent to dick size.

  • [-]
  • pokethepig
  • 1 Points
  • 19:19:28, 25 April

Boob size is viewed somewhat similarly. Or perhaps vaginal tightness. Vaginas come in different sizes.

  • [-]
  • asebold
  • 10 Points
  • 18:16:02, 25 April

The consensus on this thread is to give up, but I don't think you should.

You had one talk, that ended with one suggestion. There are so many directions this could still go.

You told her to be open and honest with you and she was. There's a great deal of trust she had to have in you to be that level of open and honest. And she offered a compromise. It may not be one that you feel great about, but she's trying.

You're willing to try and fix it, she's willing to try to fix it. And you've only just now opened up the conversation around this problem. I think there's still plenty of opportunity to recover from this. You've both pitched compromises, and neither of you seem to like the other's. Maybe you should sit down and each try to pitch new compromises, or suck it up and both try the original ones. Trying can't hurt.

[edit: spelling]

  • [-]
  • Traxalot
  • 11 Points
  • 17:04:20, 25 April

Yeah well whats normal next is a divorce.

OP hope you find happiness again soon.

  • [-]
  • Graphitetshirt
  • 9 Points
  • 17:20:57, 25 April

You ought to insist on the counseling. Tell her you're willing to compromise some (maybe using the toys but not wearing them) but she needs to give a little too

  • [-]
  • BowchikawowNo
  • 8 Points
  • 17:23:37, 25 April

Get her to go to couples therapy, tell her you won't wear a rubber dick and reopen the discussion mentioning the use of other toys instead and maybe spicing it up a bit with a bit of kink exploring to change it up a bit.

if she refuses to compromise and go to couples therapy you can either roll over and accept she finds you inadequate and may well sleep around to get the variety she craves or you divorce.

But here divorce is the last resort once you've tried everything else to compromise.

  • [-]
  • raziphel
  • 2 Points
  • 18:57:17, 25 April

tell her you're willing to do anything reasonable, but that was an unreasonable request, and you need to tell her why (calmly and objectively if possible). also, you both playing with/ using a dildo and you wearing a dildo are two completely different things; one's a toy and the other is a prosthetic extension. the only way the latter is acceptable is if you're DP'ing her solo, and you'd fit in her ass better than the plastic toy. get her a god damned Great American Challenge if it's necessary.

if she needs some straight up size variance, look into fisting (seriously, no guy can compare to a Falcon Punch). that, and not to mention other positions that can maximize what you've got (for example, her ankles on your shoulders shortens the vaginal space and lets you hit her deeper). her using a butt plug while you have sex will change the shape of her vagina as well.

don't get mad at her for making a suggestion, even if it hurt. seriously, forgive her; she's trying but she doesn't know how to do it right, and talking about this shit is hard at first. seriously, it was just a shitty suggestion, and these things happen (especially if she's got abusive exes and isn't good at talking about stuff). if you get upset at her, she'll likely withdraw. explain calmly that you appreciate her telling you and making the suggestion, but other options would be better. a hitachi magic wand might be good too, just to get her motor running again. Are there other things she wants, like BDSM and such?

  • [-]
  • Sunjammer0037
  • 1 Points
  • 19:02:58, 25 April

> She asked me to wear a dildo while having sex with her because she said a lot of her previous partners were well-endowed and that even though I'm a great lover, she misses the variety of exploring different sized penises.

This is where she pretty much crosses the line. I can understand her missing the variety of shapes and sizes, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it's good that she opened up about this. But the goal of opening up should have been making her able to let go of this and move forward, not to deepen the problem further. Toys are great in bed, and variety is great too, but it's also a matter of how you do it. Right now it seems like it's not that she wants variety, but that you're not enough for her, and that's too different things.

You should make it clear that such requests hurt you and make her try to put herself in your shoes. How would she feel if you asked her to wear fake tits on top of her own so that you could "experience different shapes and sizes"? This example should be enough to show how wrong she is.

By the way, if she wants some variety in penises, she could just use dildos during solo. I see nothing wrong with that. A dildo can't replace the real person, but right now she's trying to replace your real thing with a dildo.

As for variety during sex, there are so many options. Other toys (butt plugs, for both of you, by the way, clit stimulators, nipple sucking pomps) erotic oil massage, sexy outfits, role play, even BDSM, if you're both willing to venture that far. Size and shape of the penis isn't always correlative to pleasure.

  • [-]
  • craacken
  • 1 Points
  • 19:13:24, 25 April

I think you may be putting this in the wrong category. This may get a lot of downvotes but as a different perspective maybe that's all she wants is the fact that she misses different interactions. You look at it that she thinks you're small, when in fact what if she just wants something huge that night? What if you're normal and she wants something small, then she goes for a smaller rabbit or something. Based on the information you gave it doesn't seem like she thinks you're inadequate it just seems like she wants a different experience each time and maybe one of those experiences is that she wants someone bigger than you but the next she wants something smaller?

  • [-]
  • Jiminyfingers
  • 1 Points
  • 19:21:01, 25 April

My immediate reaction is this is a deal-breaker, time to walk away. The fact you only had one sexual partner apart from her leads me to believe YOU need to sack her off and go out and experience a few different sexual partners, and in the process find someone you're much more compatible with.

And that is the bottom line: compatibility, you don't have it, whatever the emotional connection is, it is rendered moot by the rest. Get you chin held high my friend, and walk away. A relationship without respect is no relationship at all, and she has no respect for you.

  • [-]
  • lost_my_pw_again
  • 9 Points
  • 16:36:07, 25 April

Divorce.

  • [-]
  • aabbccatx
  • 8 Points
  • 17:06:22, 25 April

You two need to get to a counselor.

  • [-]
  • righthandoftyr
  • 1 Points
  • 19:11:41, 25 April

The counselor she already refused to see? Even if he talks her into going at this point, she's not likely to listen. It would just be pointlessly going through the motions.

  • [-]
  • Queef-_-Latina
  • 4 Points
  • 17:54:32, 25 April

wtf is a counselor going to do? Talk OP's wife out of needing bigger and multiple dicks?

  • [-]
  • aabbccatx
  • 4 Points
  • 17:55:53, 25 April

Divorce feels very likely, but with OP talking about how much he loves her, isn't it worth the shot?

  • [-]
  • TravauxSur5KM
  • 3 Points
  • 18:02:08, 25 April

Not really. I think this is a case of cutting losses.

  • [-]
  • joshj392
  • 3 Points
  • 18:13:05, 25 April

I ALWAYS think counseling is an option. No matter what. But, it's a last option. If it fails, the marriage fails.

  • [-]
  • TravauxSur5KM
  • 3 Points
  • 18:18:58, 25 April

I only think it's an option if both parties are willing to go through and make everything better. Just going doesn't mean you're interested in following through. In this case the wife doesn't seem to care to fix anything, so there is no hope for the counselling to accomplish anything.

  • [-]
  • joshj392
  • 2 Points
  • 18:20:34, 25 April

That's a good point... Just showing up doesn't help anyone... I meant if both parties are willing and able..

  • [-]
  • TravauxSur5KM
  • 2 Points
  • 18:23:20, 25 April

In that case I absolutely agree. In OPs case.. I think it's done.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:03:18, 25 April

Indeed, hopefully OP doesn't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

  • [-]
  • ekjohnson9
  • 2 Points
  • 17:35:45, 25 April

>divorce

  • [-]
  • ArtfulDeviance
  • 4 Points
  • 18:13:20, 25 April

Is swinging out of the question? She could get the variety she seeks, and you would be able to sleep around as well. Just make sure to set ground rules, and ease yourselves into it.

  • [-]
  • TheOctopusLady
  • 6 Points
  • 17:20:04, 25 April

She could have at least asked for a dildo but making you wear a cocksheath... that's mean I could so easily see how that would sting. It makes it sound less like "I want more variety" and more like "You're not good enough".

Alright but you did ask for the honest truth... and she gave it to you in full force. But I really want to know, are you glad she told you? I'm not being judgmental but I'm honestly curious. Would it have been better if she said nothing? Your first option is divorce. That is up to you. You could also cheat but that would be getting revenge and wouldn't actually solve the problem here.

If you want to stay with her.. you have to tell her exactly what you think of her idea. That you hate it. Tell her exactly how you feel (try not to argue this time damn it) and explain why you just can't do it for her. This is a mental roadblock for her. She is bored. This is technically her problem to overcome but since you're her husband you should help her. But this is where the compromise comes in. You both have to think of other ways to add more diversity to your sex. I don't know what this is but you guys have to figure something that you both like. Maybe you're angry and you're thinking 'fuck her' but if you love her, wait until you're calm. Maybe you would agree to an open relationship? Sex toys? I don't know. Maybe she has to compromise and just go to the fucking counseling. But yeah, tell her you're absolutely not doing the cocksheath thing. Speak your mind dude. Let us know how it goes

  • [-]
  • WithMyFaceInMyPalm
  • 9 Points
  • 17:52:51, 25 April

What I really want to know is: Do you think a healthy sex life is possible after a man's wife admits she wants him to wear a cocksheath?

Maybe one in 1,000 times it would be possible?

This is divorce 99.9% regardless of how adept HIS communication skills are.

  • [-]
  • TheOctopusLady
  • 3 Points
  • 18:18:30, 25 April

That's up to him to decide. I know him or much he loves his wife or how much how much she is willing to compromise. I also don't know how good either of their communication skills are (they both seem kinda shitty at it though).

Personally though, this kind of feels like her answer is an excuse for something else

  • [-]
  • WithMyFaceInMyPalm
  • 4 Points
  • 18:29:53, 25 April

It's not up to him if I directed the question to you. The question did not reference this situation at all. Communication.

Yeah, we aren't given much to go by as far as communication skills. I just figure someone who says their spouse should wear an appendage over their genitals when having sex has the worst communication skills on the planet.

  • [-]
  • TheOctopusLady
  • 2 Points
  • 18:57:06, 25 April

Alright let me try again. Yes it is absolutely possible. It's possible to get through things that are usually considered 'worse'. I can't give you exact numbers though. If they really wanted a healthy sex life again, they could have it

  • [-]
  • Aerobus
  • 11 Points
  • 16:47:32, 25 April

Divorce. The sad truth is you were downgraded from the status of an attractive, masculine alpha male, to a beta male who provides for her financially.

She lost attraction to you dude. Why do you think she still wants to have sex in those various positions but won't do it with you? Because she isn't attracted to you.

Get a divorce.

  • [-]
  • CocaineOnThaSink
  • 7 Points
  • 18:16:03, 25 April

Something something the redpill is correct.

  • [-]
  • righthandoftyr
  • 1 Points
  • 19:04:38, 25 April

In the same a broken clock is right twice a day, sure. But I think this is in fact one of those times. Obviously, i don't know OP, but my read on the situation is that she's just not that into him anymore and is trying to make excuses. OP says that he'd tried to learn to do the things she wanted, and even thought it was going well at first. Either she's done a shitty job of communicating her needs, or they just aren't sexually compatible. And if she won't take reasonable steps to fix the situation like seeing a counselor, then OP is unfortunately at an impasse.

  • [-]
  • StockholmSynd
  • 1 Points
  • 19:09:14, 25 April

What is Redpill? During my last post, I got like 50 messages from people directing me to that subforum. I checked it out but it seems to be mostly about guys picking up girls at clubs and bars? I don't see how it's relevant to me

  • [-]
  • awesomechemist
  • 1 Points
  • 19:25:22, 25 April

Don't go down that road, man. It's seriously delusional.

  • [-]
  • trigaderzad2606
  • 1 Points
  • 19:30:47, 25 April

RP will tell you that they're about empowering men and breaking down all aspects of putting women on pedestals so you can approach them easier for dating and sex (this is advice they'd offer you post divorce, which they're all assuming and encouraging for you).

While there may be bits and pieces of helpful pick-up tips and personal confidence boosting...it's otherwise a complete cesspool of misogyny that they constantly have to spend time denying and backing up with "science." Nobody subscribed there with a real science degree (me) goes there for any serious purposes other than to identify and avoid them in the wild, and teach others to do the same.

  • [-]
  • KinSundry
  • 1 Points
  • 19:48:36, 25 April

A bad idea. It's a placebo pill that makes you think you're "improving" yourself, while in reality it's infusing you with hatred for women, other men and basically everything that doesn't confirm to the very narrow confirmation bias they've built in their sub. It's a sub for angry, bitter, and confused people who try to make themselves a little less angry, bitter and confused by manipulating, coercing, and debasing women into having sex with them in a vain attempt to fill the shitty void of their lives. Those men hate themselves, dude.

The good points of the sub are:

  • Lift

  • Be confident

  • Live for yourself

Everything else is bullshit. I just gave you the only worthy points of TRP, and you can find them elsewhere.

  • [-]
  • Hellsheart
  • 4 Points
  • 18:33:54, 25 April

Are you fucking kidding me dog? She said you have a small dick and she wants to sleep around. Divorce her. If I said some shit like that to my girl I'd be out on the streets so fast it would make your head spin.

  • [-]
  • rightsidedown
  • 1 Points
  • 19:19:52, 25 April

Ok, I think you are overreacting now.

Here's a Dan Savage video talking about a guy using a strap on dildo.

You talked about how you were all into each other's kinks before. So take a step back and imagine you were still having all the kinky sex that you did before, and she came to you and said that this is what she wants. If you separate out all the raw emotion, you may find this isn't the huge deal you think it is. Some guys feel emasculated if a girl wants any toys brought in, but it doesn't mean you are inadequate if she wants a vibrator on her clit while fucking, or for you to wear a vibrating cockring, or put a huge dildo up her ass. Maybe this is a deal break for you, but try to take a step back and think of it as a kink request on its own.

tl:dr Her crappy behavior is making this request seem worse than it is.

  • [-]
  • IxCptMorganxI
  • 7 Points
  • 16:40:55, 25 April

Sounds like you guys need to make a trip to a counselor. Its understandable to miss certain experiences, but to have that affect your marriage is really unhealthy. There could be other issues that she doesn't quite understand, but that manifest with sex (ie she doesn't feel loved so doesn't want sex). If your sex life were comfortable then I can see you wearing a dildo sometimes just to make things kinky, but the way she asked is kind of...insulting.

You guys had a good sex life before and can again, but this is a big problem you will not solve in a few days or maybe even weeks. Again, seek out a counselor, because these feelings will have an outlet one way or another. That can be in a healthy relationship with you, or maybe even an affair.

There are alternative solutions (such as swinging and things like that), but you guys need to sort our your personal relationship and communication before you seek out new things.

  • [-]
  • adga77
  • 11 Points
  • 17:29:44, 25 April

>You guys had a good sex life before and can again

Um, clearly they did not have a good sex life, she was lying to him the whole time about her sexual satisfaction. She admitted to not enjoying sex with him. How is that a good sex life?

  • [-]
  • julius_sphincter
  • 4 Points
  • 18:30:18, 25 April

Actually, she could have very well been enjoying it quite a bit in the past, but eventually got tired/bored of fucking the same person. I've had this happen a few times in relationships. Then again, every single one of them ended

  • [-]
  • JJTheJetPlane5657
  • 3 Points
  • 18:23:42, 25 April

No she didn't, she just said that over time she's become bored.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 2 Points
  • 18:58:12, 25 April

When I get bored of eating a certain food, it's not that I used to really like it, it's just that it was always mediocre but it used to hold a certain degree of novelty.

Once the novelty wears off, you're left with the underlying mediocrity... this sounds like OP's situation, sadly...

  • [-]
  • JJTheJetPlane5657
  • 2 Points
  • 19:00:19, 25 April

Whatttt? That's hardly a truism.

My mom is an amazing cook, and made a huge batch of my favorite dish (Swedish Meatballs) for my birthday. There was enough for me to eat it for lunch and dinner for ~5 days. By the end of the leftovers I was tired of it, that doesn't mean it wasn't fucking delicious.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:13:19, 25 April

I guess maybe we should stop comparing people to food then, lol. I was just speaking from experience with food, as are you. I've been in that situation too, where my mom made a lot of my favourite food and now it isn't my favourite food...

Although to be fair, there are some staples in my diet that I could eat 1-2 meals a day and not get tired of. Whereas other things rise and fall in interest.

I guess it's hard to really sum up quickly why we get tired / bored of certain things that used to interest us.

Unfortunately in OP's case the matter is a little more pressing...

  • [-]
  • TylerX5
  • 4 Points
  • 18:19:05, 25 April

Okay buddy enough feeling bad about yourself. You're overly self-conscious and being selfish.

Stop equating dick size to your sense of masculinity. There's nothing you can reasonably do about that so you need accept it, and focus on other areas of yourself.

You want more sexually form her but as soon as she tells you what she wants you refuse. So what if your dick isn't as big as she wants, she still wants YOU to be the one that penetrates her, she wants YOU to be the one to please her. Dude, SHE WANTS YOU

Now of course you meeting her needs means that she should want to meet your needs. Define them, and expect mutual sexual satisfaction

  • [-]
  • asebold
  • 3 Points
  • 18:30:02, 25 April

This is the best response on this thread.

  • [-]
  • ABKC
  • 3 Points
  • 19:01:42, 25 April

AAssumingher words are accurately represented by OP, she specifically said she wanted him to wear the dildo so it would be like other men that are not him are fucking her. Not that she really wanted it to be him but bigger.

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 1 Points
  • 19:46:53, 25 April

She misses the variation of men in general. Trust me, it's not just the larger penises that she's missing.

  • [-]
  • MonsieurGuyGadbois
  • 3 Points
  • 18:19:14, 25 April

I think you're missing out on some real fun kinky sex with the person you love because your ego is bruised.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:02:24, 25 April

I can't help but read this comment as "lol ur butthurt"... am I missing something?

Also I cannot imagine in a million years how wearing a cock sheathe would be any of "real", "fun", or "kinky".

  • [-]
  • MonsieurGuyGadbois
  • 1 Points
  • 19:23:29, 25 April

Let me ask you this. If his GF had said. "I kind of have a thing for hairy chests but your's is smooth. Would you wear a chest wig while we fuck?" Do you think he'd have had the same reaction?

The main problem here is the GF has insulted the OP's penis size. And we men are pretty fragile when it comes to that. Maybe his cock is just fine and she has a large vagina, did he ever think of that?

Anyway. OP was complaining that his sex life was vanilla and not kinky enough for him. He tells his wife to be honest and open with him. She is open and honest with him and tells him she would also like to get her kink on. She loves huge cocks and suggests getting a strap-on which is very far away from vanilla.

OP can't see through his small dick phobia and realize he managed to make progress on the problem. Instead he reacts angrily, meaning she's much less likely to be honest about her fantasies with him again.

She didn't say she never wanted to see/feel his dick again. She just wants her husband to fuck her with a huge strap on dildo. Sounds way kinky and fun to me.

Plus once he's rocked her world with his strap-on it could open the conversation up to some of the kinks he has.

  • [-]
  • _Foy
  • 1 Points
  • 19:36:29, 25 April

To a lesser extent, but yes. The issue is she cannot bring herself to continue enjoying physical intimacy with him the way he is now.

Whether that was because it was dick size, chest hair, body type, or whatever it kind of ruins the intimacy. Sex is very personal and intimate... being told that you aren't good enough for your partner is really crushing. Why do you think so many men suffer from performance anxiety to some degree?

Even with a cock sheathe or chest wig there's no guarantee that she'd be satisfied or that it would fix things. All we are left with at this point is her saying "You are not good enough."

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 1 Points
  • 19:45:35, 25 April

She misses more than just the variation of sizes, though. She misses lots of different men being inside of her. She misses men of different body types, ethnicities, walks of life, of different smells, different voices, and other things that make her stimulated. It's not just a size variation thing. She likes exploring new men in general.

  • [-]
  • MonsieurGuyGadbois
  • 1 Points
  • 19:57:25, 25 April

Hold on a minute. We're hearing OP's side of this story, and he's telling it with his insecurities raging. Remember he's only had one sexual experience before marriage.

It's pretty common to miss having some variety in your sexual partners. I've been married 13 years and value my wife more than anything. But I'd love to get some strange if there weren't huge consequences.

I think her fantasies could be satisfied with some role play and sex toys. But OP can't get over the fact that he's not satisfying her (oh and the dick size thing).

Guess what, she's not satisfying him either.

  • [-]
  • neekz0r
  • 4 Points
  • 18:03:14, 25 April

> I love this girl with all my heart and I still think she loves me equally.

Nope. You sound like a nice guy, so I'm not saying this to hurt you, but no, she doesn't love you equally. And she absolutely one-hundred percent does not respect you.

> And I feel pretty hurt because that implies she pretended to enjoy me for the last two years before getting married

You should feel hurt. And yes, she was pretending. At best, she was lying to herself.

> I don't know what to think anymore, or do.

Nothing to think of or do. Basically, your wife friend zoned you. No amount of therapy will fix it. You can't therapy your way into someones heart.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's over. Also, you probably aren't inadequate. It's completely on her, but it makes her feel better to cast the blame on you. She sounds like a closeted polygamous person. You sound monogamous. Oil and water.

  • [-]
  • XiaomaoDeTuzi
  • 6 Points
  • 18:18:23, 25 April

Just because someone is dissatisfied with you in bed doesn't mean they don't love you. So it's not friend zoned. Besides which, you can try other things that don't involve strap-ons. Fuck her with a dildo while she sucks you off or something, or just expose her to other things and see if she's willing to step out of her comfort zone - honestly, if you're willing to try for her, she has to try for you. Sex is not a one way street.

  • [-]
  • neekz0r
  • 2 Points
  • 18:37:11, 25 April

> Just because someone is dissatisfied with you in bed doesn't mean they don't love you.

That's not what she said. She said she missed having sex with other people and doesn't really want to have sex with him.

And yes yes yes, of course you can love someone without having sex with them. But that's not a relationship, unless said people are consenting asexual partners. This isn't that. She wants to fuck other people and not him.

> honestly, if you're willing to try for her, she has to try for you.

She doesn't really want to try for him. She wants to fuck other men. There's really no substitute for that.

  • [-]
  • 5hawnking5
  • 0 Points
  • 18:07:12, 25 April

this isnt just "her issue" its "your issue" collectively as a couple. It doenst sound like she wants you to wear a strap on every time, just from time to time to change it up. It sounds like she also buried somethings that are important to her in order to maintain a relationship with you outside of this issue. Its a two way street, you asked and she opened up. Shes being honest with you and you need to be careful about betraying that honesty. Feet first, wade into those waters. Keep the open dialog. I dont think this is a grounds for divorce, be wary of advice from redditors with minimal background knowledge, my advice included.

  • [-]
  • voodeux_thatyoudo
  • 3 Points
  • 18:13:29, 25 April

You're only a year in. Cut your cord before you waste more of your time just waiting on catching her cheating on you.

  • [-]
  • Gaius_Marcius
  • 2 Points
  • 17:26:54, 25 April

This is not normal.

  • [-]
  • JaronK
  • 1 Points
  • 18:58:38, 25 April

Okay, so it sounds to me like what she really wants is an open relationship. Whether or not that works for you is another issue entirely. Is that something you might be willing to consider? Note that this solution sometimes helps, but sometimes blows things up entirely.

  • [-]
  • KCG0005
  • 1 Points
  • 19:01:40, 25 April

I'm certainly biased because of my religion, but I think there are a lot of options that you need to explore before deciding on divorce. Sex, while a large part, is not the only part of the marriage, and can be restored with effort.

I had a past girlfriend that said she would never see a counselor again, because they wouldn't be able to help. The problem with that mentality is that it makes the claim that no one can help them like they can help themselves. In reality, they're scared to find out that there is something wrong with themselves. These people cannot be helped until they realize that there is something wrong, but they will deny that until you have no energy left. It's a dangerous mentality.

I will go out on a limb and assume that, while the marriage is good, she seems emotionally distant, frequently dissatisfied with you over the smallest mistakes (even though she is very satisfied with your effort), and you find yourself with a headache trying to decide what to do next quite often. Was I close?

  • [-]
  • nobodyhome90
  • 1 Points
  • 19:11:30, 25 April

This might get buried but I'll put in my two cents anyway. You have to recognize your own worth first. If she truly loves you for who you are, would she behave like this? Would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you for who you are? You make it sound like divorce is the worst option, but give it a thought. It may be the more logical option in the end. Would you want to spend the rest of your life feeling inadequate. Feeling like you need to please someone who will never be pleased, and who will never take you for who you are? Wouldn't you want to be with someone who appreciates you? I'm sure you wouldn't want to live the rest of your life angry. Give it a good thought.

  • [-]
  • Thierr
  • 1 Points
  • 19:22:25, 25 April

Open up the relationship.

  • [-]
  • AprilLambName2014
  • 1 Points
  • 19:32:48, 25 April

She married at 24 after two years of dating? I think she wants out and using an immature way or her cognitive dissonance is tricking her that it's just sex that's wrong for her and not the whole marriage schtick. When actually she doesn't want to be a wife.

  • [-]
  • WaterStoryMark
  • 1 Points
  • 19:33:15, 25 April

Welp. See ya.

  • [-]
  • BrotyKraut
  • 1 Points
  • 19:33:49, 25 April

Push for a threesome for more diversity.

  • [-]
  • jeffm8r
  • 1 Points
  • 19:34:06, 25 April

Divorce the shit outta that

fuckin wear a dildo? lol

  • [-]
  • ScrabbleDudesGF
  • 1 Points
  • 19:41:09, 25 April

People are screaming "size queen", but that's not what I'm reading here. I don't think she's asking you to wear something because you aren't big enough for her. It certainly doesn't sound like she wants you to wear something every time. Like she said, she misses the variety. Now she's suggesting a way to get variety with you. If you don't like that way, try suggesting something else. Maybe other sex toys of various sizes. Maybe positions you haven't tried before that might stimulate her in a different way. It definitely doesn't sound like you're not good enough for her. Realistically, she probably didn't know she would feel this way when she married you. She's longing for something more, but has told you a way you two might achieve that. If you have other ideas for how you can bring in variety, let her know. It sounds very much like she wants to work through this with you, even though it's difficult for her. She's your wife. Go talk to her (and a counselor if she ever changes her mind on that), not Reddit.

  • [-]
  • prostateExamination
  • 1 Points
  • 19:48:54, 25 April

dont wear a dildo.

  • [-]
  • moonflower
  • 1 Points
  • 19:49:45, 25 April

This is kind of interesting, it's like she found a clever way to make you feel how she feels when you sit her down and tell her that you are not satisfied with her and that she will have to do things that make her feel awful in order to please you

  • [-]
  • ricecraker
  • 1 Points
  • 19:50:06, 25 April

It's not that she's looking down on you, maybe ask bring up the idea of exploring different partners, unless you believe in having a monogamous sexual relationship. It's not you dude, no offense but grow a pair, you're letting it hit you too hard after asking her to be truthful with you. Loving you does not mean she's hardcore sexually attracted to you, you 'think' you've done a lot to spice things up, but you probably haven't, in her eyes. Ask her for other options if you're so against using sex toys with her.

  • [-]
  • Passatpanther
  • 1 Points
  • 19:57:09, 25 April

Get a DIVORCE!

  • [-]
  • _grump
  • 1 Points
  • 20:00:58, 25 April

I am sorry to tell you this but you need to take the red pill. Its things like this that bring men to the red pill and realize that there is life after this bitch- a much better one.

  • [-]
  • rockmasterflex
  • 3 Points
  • 17:29:09, 25 April

Its time to D-d-d-

D-D-D-D-Divorce

  • [-]
  • trinyz
  • -1 Points
  • 17:40:04, 25 April

What the heck? A divorce because the girl wants to try something in bed?!?! Come on guys... Sex is about having fun and experience new things. That´s what she wants so give it to her and have fun with her !

  • [-]
  • mudra311
  • 1 Points
  • 17:13:52, 25 April

OK, OP. Ask yourself this. If I gave you a pill that added ~2 inches to your cock overnight, would you still be happy after you took it? Would you be happy knowing that your wife only loves you over your dick?

Let's say this pill existed. If I were you, I'd fuck her brains out and leave her for someone that isn't concerned with your dick size.

  • [-]
  • boringreality
  • 1 Points
  • 17:51:19, 25 April

It seems like she's come up with a really warped idea of sexuality that depends on "variety" instead of intimacy. Essentially sex has gotten separated from any emotional significance that it would normally have. I don't see how she can expect to have a normal monogamous relationship under these conditions.

I don't know how realistic it is for her to change at this point but I don't see how it's going to be possible at all without professional help. The issue is most certainly not as simple as penis size or something like that, and she certainly has emotional issues surrounding sex that go way beyond what she can even consciously explain to you even if she wants to.

  • [-]
  • yetanotheracct64
  • -1 Points
  • 18:17:22, 25 April

This isn't uncommon, actually. Many have argued that humans are not intended to be monogamous, and many studies have shown that it is variety and spontanaity that provides for a good sex life. You don't have to have additional sex partners to achieve that, but it helps.

I would suggest either considering nonmonogamy, check out /r/polyamory , or divorce, or... you could try upping you game in the bedroom (I think that has more to do with it than either of you may realize). Sorry about this, OP, but it happens to a lot of couples.

  • [-]
  • A_Nihilist
  • 0 Points
  • 18:40:35, 25 April

Called it. Alpha fucks beta bucks strikes again.

  • [-]
  • MattBoBat
  • 0 Points
  • 17:41:43, 25 April

At least she was honest with you so you can now swiftly divorce her and never make the mistake of marrying a woman again.

  • [-]
  • Magnus_Maximus
  • 1 Points
  • 19:17:57, 25 April

Her refusal to see a councilor, and then basically emasculating you with her size-queen bullshit and trying to make the lack of sex about something you have no control over is classic manipulative behavior. If I were you, I'd tell her that she had an option of councilor or divorce lawyer, because she's going to run circles around you in conversation otherwise, and leave you feeling like all the marriage problems are your fault.

She is manipulating you, and there is definitely something else going on.

  • [-]
  • _Woodrow_
  • 1 Points
  • 19:25:00, 25 April

Are you giving her orgasms? It sounds like you aren't.

  • [-]
  • usrnm99
  • 1 Points
  • 18:19:02, 25 April

She's gonna cheat on you at some point.

  • [-]
  • TalkingHeads27
  • 4 Points
  • 18:59:34, 25 April

She probably already has.

  • [-]
  • usrnm99
  • 1 Points
  • 19:10:17, 25 April

Yep, completely agree.

  • [-]
  • thechink
  • -3 Points
  • 17:08:02, 25 April

Please ignore all these posts harping about divorce. You have a problem in your marriage and you've finally decided to take a look at the wound that you both have been ignoring and hoping it would go away. So now the question is how to heal the wound you both share or cleave your entire selves apart because of it.

It seems that both of you love each other very much. Did you marry her just because she was great in bed? There isn't a clear cut answer, and the difficulty is expounded by her not wanting to go to a counselor. KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT. You are both going to have to work at it, and if it means sometimes wearing a rubber dick to save your marriage than do it. There are a lot worse things in this world than that. You are right in that sex isn't just about how endowed you are and a constant reminder of you not 'sizing up' is going to hurt. BUT size isn't the ONLY part of sex.

Rubber penis or not please don't think this spells the death of your relationship especially when it seems to be working so splendid in its other areas.

  • [-]
  • kinkydiver
  • 8 Points
  • 17:32:21, 25 April

> size isn't the ONLY part of sex.

But it seems to be the biggest part for her. In fact, it's so important to her that she asked to be fucked with a strap-on, completely dismissive of how he might feel about it.

  • [-]
  • thechink
  • 0 Points
  • 17:39:44, 25 April

But isn't that why she asked? How can you work out a compromise if you don't talk about your wants and desires in an open environment.

  • [-]
  • kinkydiver
  • 4 Points
  • 17:48:44, 25 April

I agree that wants and desires need to be discussed. It's just that asking somebody who has a dick to wear a bigger one is oddly specific. There are so many ways to make sex more interesting, and she has to ask that. That makes me think that size is everything for her.

  • [-]
  • BowchikawowNo
  • 10 Points
  • 17:20:44, 25 April

I get what you're saying and agree they should go to a therapy first but she has made it abundantly clear that she misses sleeping around, it's not just that he's not big enough for her but also that she misses the variety from other men.

I think telling him to suck it up and wear the rubber dick is pretty shitty advice since it'll only make him resent her more over time.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 8 Points
  • 17:26:48, 25 April

Zeus's son, I agree and would shout out that a few discussions with a counselor is not going to make her suddenly stop craving new sex partners or outlier genitals.

If counselors could actually get people to change their sexual preferences, there would be lines of people outside their doors, like non-star belly sneetches chasing that star on the belly.

  • [-]
  • greedo_posted_first
  • 1 Points
  • 20:02:01, 25 April

> like non-star belly sneetches chasing that star on the belly.

Huh, Dr. Seuss in a cock-sheath thread.

  • [-]
  • BowchikawowNo
  • 1 Points
  • 17:29:20, 25 April

I know that, but if they at least try they might uncover a few kinks or experiment a bit if they get into the habit of that they might just get the variety they need without him being condemned to the rubber dick.

Better to get them to try with a sliver of hope then divorce than not to try.

  • [-]
  • thechink
  • 1 Points
  • 17:26:46, 25 April

If she really wants to sleep with other dudes than that would definitely be a breaking point for the marriage. I just hate to see people advise running away just after they had their first real conversation about the issue :/

  • [-]
  • BowchikawowNo
  • 1 Points
  • 17:30:49, 25 April

Commented this to another guy:

>I know that, but if they at least try they might uncover a few kinks or experiment a bit if they get into the habit of that they might just get the variety they need without him being condemned to the rubber dick. Better to get them to try with a sliver of hope then divorce than not to try.

Because trying and failing will at least be better than quitting straight away or accepting the rubber dick.

  • [-]
  • thechink
  • 0 Points
  • 17:42:12, 25 April

And you're totally right! I guess I was trying to suggest a more general openness to experimentation than a condemnation of a strap-on but it might have come out wrong......

  • [-]
  • skarbowski
  • 2 Points
  • 17:41:08, 25 April

You sound like an autistic feminist.

  • [-]
  • Wheat-Thins
  • 2 Points
  • 18:25:49, 25 April

>You are both going to have to work at it, and if it means sometimes wearing a rubber dick to save your marriage than do it. There are a lot worse things in this world than that.

Because what he wants doesn't matter at all, right? Despite the fact that it completely emasculates him that she even asked to do this, much less the idea of actually doing it.

You're advising him to have no spine and no self respect.

  • [-]
  • ekjohnson9
  • 0 Points
  • 17:35:31, 25 April

Do not listen to this moron.

  • [-]
  • Theungry
  • -7 Points
  • 17:21:45, 25 April

Shit, you got her to open up and be honest with you, and then you completely lost your shit and couldn't deal with reality. It seems like she was right not to trust you with this information, and you should probably seek a divorce.

  • [-]
  • nophoney
  • 4 Points
  • 18:08:12, 25 April

well to be fair:

  1. the guys not a professional counselor.

  2. he tried to get her to a professional counselor and she refused.

  3. he did get some of his questions answered, but not what anyone would want to hear.

  4. he has not broken her trust.

  5. he's probably could save money by switching to geico.

  • [-]
  • HockeySwag
  • 2 Points
  • 17:47:35, 25 April

He deserved to know and it seems like he kept his cool.

  • [-]
  • TravauxSur5KM
  • 1 Points
  • 17:59:09, 25 April

Wow. I'm sorry but your wife sounds like a bitch.