(M)y (24) Long term girlfriend (26) entered contest to shoot a porn scene with James Deen...wtf right? (self.sex)

{sex}

867 ups - 277 downs = 590 votes

Me and my gf have been together for 4 years. Neither one of us has so much as kissed another person. As far as I knew she didn't even like porn, she has pretty much flat out refused to include it in bedroom play, and was quite offended when I told her (way earlier on in the relationship) that I watched it, but she doesn't seem to be bothered now.

Anyway, I noticed that one of her friends on facebook (work colleague) said something about James Deen. Obviously I was a bit weirded out and curious because of the whole porn thing. We normally don't keep anything from each other so I asked her about it straight up.

"Oh don't worry, it's just a joke with a few girls at work, we all applied to be in a porn scene with James Deen."

I have no idea why but at the time I laughed it off and said okay, so now I feel like I can't bring it up again. I looked at the application form on his website though..holy shit. It is not some put your name in a hat thing..it is pretty long. You have to include pictures.

So then I did something I am not proud of but something that I think pales in significance to what she has been doing. I logged onto her facebook account (had to do password recovery) and snooped.

What.The.Fuck.

She has been talked with her (female) Co-worker about this thing, pretty graphically. They even exchanged pictures. I literally felt sick when I saw her comment on a picture that her co-worker sent.

"Imagine a monster (dick?) like that pounding at you, yum."

I am extremely hurt, it seems like they are serious about this.

Have I got it all wrong, is it just extremely poor taste office banter?

Do I confront her? I am totally at a loss. I feel sick and paranoid.

452 comments submitted at 11:52:26 on Dec 20, 2013 by throwawayforjd

  • [-]
  • employeeno5
  • 178 Points
  • 16:01:12, 20 December

I don't have extra/better advice for how you should deal with this but I want to make something clear about the nature of entering for this porn thing James Deen is doing. My friend has already shot a scene with him through this same process.

Your girlfriend did not enter a contest. It's a serious application that will be seriously reviewed and responded to.

A friend of mine did this, and I helped her take the photos (we're sexy friends) and encouraged her as she's always fantasized about this sort of thing. The whole point of James Deen's open casting call, is to ask girls who have never done anything like this to apply. My friend does not at all have a body typically seen in porn, but that's sort of the idea. They want to accept and film "normal" girls living out their porn-star fantasy. And that's a pretty hot and cool idea (assuming everyone is honest and on the same page about it). My friend applied, heard back about 3 weeks later and has gone and filmed her scene (it's not on his site yet, should be within 2-3 months). She got banged by James Deen on camera. She said it was a transcendent experience. We'll all able to jerk off to it soon (I'll probably get a blowj from the "star" while I watch it, huzzah!). You just fill-out an application, with photos, and assuming you're not super gross or obviously nuts, you get told when and where the shoot is, how much you'll be paid, and how to proceed if you agree to their terms.

What I'm getting at that, that is relevant to you, is that you must understand that your girlfriend has legit auditioned to be in a porn, and she should have every expectation of hearing back from them, and likely having real opportunity to go and do it. Whether or not her plan all along has been to simply reject their offer, even after going through the trouble of sending them sexy photos behind your back, we can't know. But do not be under the impression that this is a contest or something that might not be responded to. That application she sent in is very real, will be reviewed and responded to in serious way, and with fair likelihood, in a positive way. Your girlfriend filled-out a full application to shoot a porn, complete with racy photos, without discussing it with you first, and when she did mention it, she was less than honest about the true nature of it. That is some heavy shit and I do not envy the position you're in.

Hopefully, she never has had any intention of going through with it (at least without your knowledge and support), and she is just having fun fantasizing about it with her friends. But again, you should understand that this is a very real application and she will hear back from them.

How you deal with this, I'm not going to advise. There's some great advice already listed on here, and what you do is your difficult choice. I wish you guys luck and hope you can work it out. I just want to be very clear about how very real and serious of an application she has made, having been involved with it with someone firsthand.

She put herself a couple emails and a phone call away from "a monster like that pounding at" her, complete with sending the man she is fantasizing about photographs of herself. All without telling you. That sucks no matter how you slice it, or what he ultimate intentions are/were. I'm sure it would never be ok for you to do anything remotely similar, and it shouldn't be. You can't send emails to woman on the Internet who is asking for sex partners, applying to be one, including naked photos of yourself, and telling your friends how bad you want to fuck her, only to later say it's just a joke with the boys and you'd never really meet up with her. No one would believe you, and it shouldn't matter anyways because you already would have gone way too far.


For interests sake, here are the women who have already had their scenes posted through this open casting call. More have been filmed, and will be filmed, but they only release a new video every few weeks. My lady-friend should be up in 8-12 weeks, she was told.

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/jessie-parker-1

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/janice-griffith-1 (this girl did a few scenes including a threesome. pretty awesome/intense for an 18 year old amateur first-timer, but she is indeed another girl who randomly applied through his website.)

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/gwen-derringer-1 (high profile blogger and comedian, who wrote about the experience. Her scene is really hot, at least for my taste.)

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/luna-bast-1

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/harper-hughes-1.php (bigger girl, does a great job)

http://jamesdeen.com/tour/girl-x-1.php (the first girl to apply, shoot, and be uploaded to the site)

  • [-]
  • diego_montoya_jr
  • 1 Points
  • 17:26:34, 20 December

This needs to be upvoted. Before reading this comment I was under the impression it was a contest too... and this makes the situation way worse. I agree with everything said here!

  • [-]
  • helix19
  • 97 Points
  • 14:45:13, 20 December

A total side issue: One or both of you should find out whether the porn company now has the legal rights to use the pictures she sent in. That could be a nasty situation.

  • [-]
  • Bacore
  • 1 Points
  • 16:22:47, 20 December

Why do you think they're holding the contest? It's not like they can't find actresses already in the business to work with Deen. And what company wouldn't claim all rights to any photos you voluntarily sent them?

  • [-]
  • honey_pie
  • 1 Points
  • 17:27:06, 20 December

I think your thoughts are misplaced. They are holding the contest to find attractive women who are attracted to JD to have sex with him on camera for (and then sell that).

Why would he (/his company) betray the trust of anyone applying for the sake of a couple of naked pictures (again, they have plenty already!!); it would prevent others from applying in the future. Serious potential for a PR shit-storm. Many people don't like 'actresses' because they usually come across as fake. They are jaded because they doing a job, it becomes routine for them, you do not see their genuine personality and sexuality-- which do often come across with 'amateurs'.

I wouldn't be surprised if they had the legal rights to the images, but I would be very surprised if they used them.

  • [-]
  • Bacore
  • 1 Points
  • 17:30:09, 20 December

So... you would suggest she enter the "contest"?

In doing so, she is sending personal info and photos of herself to a company that produces porn. And you trust this company to do the right thing?

Got it.

  • [-]
  • honey_pie
  • 1 Points
  • 17:42:38, 20 December

>you would suggest she enter the "contest"?

If she wanted to get fucked by JD, was willing to share that sex with the world, and were single or had discussed it with her partner: yes.
This case: no.

>And you trust this company

Trust does not come into it. The company has clear incentives NOT to post the pictures, at the same time almost no incentive TO post them.

  • [-]
  • myothercarisayoshi
  • 172 Points
  • 12:48:44, 20 December

You say neither of you have been with anyone else? It sounds like she wants to indulge in some fantasising about new/different experiences. Definitely talk to her - you need to see if this is just an out-there fantasy (the porn star makes it seem like this; it would be much worse if it were a more realistic option like a co-worker) or something deeper.

As someone in a long term relationship with a woman who had not had a real sexual relationship before me I worry about her curiosity too! It's something you (and I) will need to deal with as a couple, not as a jealous individual. Good luck and report back!

  • [-]
  • themissinglint
  • 57 Points
  • 14:47:39, 20 December

Maybe it's time to revisit some of those kinky things you ruled out "way earlier on in the relationship". Have you ever done a yes/no/maybe test together?

  • [-]
  • Lyndzi
  • 1 Points
  • 16:06:30, 20 December

Mojo Upgrade! Cannot stress enough how much trust is required though. It was super fun for my partner and I but I've heard horror stories where one partner said yes to everything to see the others answers and then freaked out on them.

  • [-]
  • phobos55
  • 1 Points
  • 16:47:19, 20 December

Man, huge red flag.

  • [-]
  • likelyolder
  • 1 Points
  • 17:20:56, 20 December

Not just a red flag: immediate end to the relationship. Breaching trust is one thing, but breaching trust in an exceptionally vulnerable situation, by deliberately bypassing safeguards in place specifically to protect your partner from judgment, is reprehensible. It's Lucy pulling the football out from under Charlie Brown, if Charlie Brown had just shared that he has brittle bone disease and a predisposition to brain hemorrhage.

  • [-]
  • toonfool
  • 1 Points
  • 17:03:01, 20 December

... Yes?

  • [-]
  • PasswordIsntHAMSTER
  • 1 Points
  • 16:57:12, 20 December

>I've heard horror stories where one partner said yes to everything to see the others answers and then freaked out on them.

I've heard that one too, in my mind's eye it's grounds enough for breaking up.

  • [-]
  • Lyndzi
  • 1 Points
  • 17:00:36, 20 December

Yeah, anyone who freaks out about my deepest darkest fantasies after I open up and trust them gets the boot.

  • [-]
  • noisydesktop
  • 7 Points
  • 15:38:02, 20 December

this is one of the good things about being with a woman with a lot of previous sexual experiences! I feel like she knows what else is out there and is very happy with me.

initially I had some thoughts about what she had done before, but really it doesn't matter. what matters is that she chooses to be with me now.

  • [-]
  • BadgerGecko
  • 37 Points
  • 15:10:31, 20 December

I can't open link as I'm at work but a quick google of 'James Deen competition' brough this up

>www.uproxx.com/webculture/.../james-deen-website-sex-scene-applicati...‎ 6 Sep 2013 - 16 posts - ‎15 authors From JamesDeen.com… • This is not a contest. This is an ongoing casting call for women that would like to shoot a porn scene with James.

The key bit,if true, is that it is a casting call

  • [-]
  • Colorado222
  • 1 Points
  • 16:43:05, 20 December

Wow, so they are probably selecting women as an ongoing thing... That pretty takes all the novelty away from the situation... I really hope OP's SO didn't try to make it sound like it was a contest.

  • [-]
  • Gratestprsnalive
  • 1 Points
  • 17:07:51, 20 December

From what I've seen of the contest, it's exactly this. Then James/ his company posts it on the internet for all to see. So if OP's girl did "win" this, it'd be a bit more than just simply having sex with JD.

  • [-]
  • Colorado222
  • 1 Points
  • 17:17:44, 20 December

Golly, I hope OP makes it out of this unscathed.

  • [-]
  • bostick
  • 1 Points
  • 16:41:17, 20 December

People keep calling it a "contest", like it's the lottery or something. It's not a contest folks, the GF filled out an application in an open casting call. There's nothing random about it. If she's cute and filled out the form with feisty answers, she might get the call to fuck Deen.

Filling out an application to be cast in a porn film isn't "harmless fantasy". It's saying "I am ready and willing to fuck on camera." The GF and her office hens might think they're being wacky, but the producers aren't joking. If they like the GF for their film they will do what they can to get her on camera. That she'd be going behind her BF's back would actually be a bonus (as anyone who watches "amateur" porn knows).

Anyone who's coming in with "so she entered a contest, so what, it's harmless fantasy" have misunderstood the OP's post. He never said it was a contest. Go look it up, someone else posted the link.

A lot of people (mostly women, I think) have misrepresented the OP as being butthurt about a few harmless comments and impossible fantasies. Here's the deal: when you fill out an application, it's not a fantasy anymore. I can fantasize about having a class B commercial license all I want, but it's not going to become a reality until I take that first step of filling out the application. And if I don't really want to drive a delivery truck (or whatever), then why the fuck am I filling out the application?

So ladies and gentlemen, two things: one, please stop calling it a "contest", because it's not. It's a highly selective process, granted, but it's not a luck of the draw. Two, OP isn't hurt by the fantasy (pictures, comments) but by the reality (filling out a very real, very serious application to fuck someone else).

Having said that, I've had my MySpace hacked and it ended the relationship (it was a while ago, obviously). Were I the OP I would shoulder the guilt of what I had done and never, ever, never tell the GF what I had done and never, ever, never do it again. Anything I saw would be inadmissible. I know most people will recoil at this lack of total openness, but being older than the average Redditor I can tell you there's a time and place to confess your sins and it's not when the relationship is hanging by a very thin thread.

Unless you want to end the relationship, of course. If OP wants to end things, open the floodgates and confess all. Nothing brutalizes a relationship like unadulterated truth.

  • [-]
  • FleetingFox
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:00, 20 December

That which can be destroyed by truth, should be.

  • [-]
  • kimmature
  • 126 Points
  • 12:58:29, 20 December

It sounds like it's more than just a joke. I might enter a 'have sex with Ewan McGregor' contest (my husband would cheer me on because it wasn't serious), but it would be for fun and fantasy, definitely not an actual thing, and certainly wouldn't involve sending pictures.

She must work in a different office environment that I've ever worked in- at least in my experience, porn preferences aren't that widely discussed, unless you're in a sex-related industry, nor is exchanging pictures. That doesn't seem typical at all to me.

Snooping is a bad thing- everyone deserves privacy, etc. But it seems that she's been hiding not only her enjoyment of porn from you, but apparently the fact that she's just fine sending pictures etc, so I'd take the hit from the snooping to discuss what you found out. And even the "imagine a monster dick" thing isn't necessarily a bad thing (talking about it with someone else might be), but a lot of people look at porn and imagine situations that don't have a lot to do with how they feel about their partner, or what they actually want to do.

Talk to her. There's not much point in having a relationship if you can't talk about things like this, and no upside to you continuing to wonder/being freaked out. If that's something that she truly wants to do, then maybe you're not with the right partner.

  • [-]
  • anyakinskywalker
  • 20 Points
  • 16:02:21, 20 December

But... As a single girl, where can I find this contest? For science?

  • [-]
  • IAmATimeTraveler
  • 1 Points
  • 17:06:04, 20 December

It's not a contest. It's a casting call. Not quite the same thing.

  • [-]
  • The_Alpha_Mail
  • 1 Points
  • 16:24:53, 20 December

I'm honestly just surprised this wasn't the first comment.

  • [-]
  • dontgetaddicted
  • 1 Points
  • 17:22:49, 20 December

From /u/BadgerGecko

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/.../james-deen-website-sex-scene-applicati...%E2%80%8E

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 352 Points
  • 12:23:50, 20 December

I work in an office, this is not just office girl talk.

This whole situation is so WTF, you need to talk with her.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 46 Points
  • 14:29:37, 20 December

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Doctor_of_Recreation
  • 51 Points
  • 14:41:22, 20 December

As someone who works in HR, I'm squirming at the thought of all those potential complaints from the faint-hearted employees.

  • [-]
  • gleiberkid
  • 26 Points
  • 14:48:38, 20 December

Phrasing.

  • [-]
  • Allaun
  • 8 Points
  • 15:12:09, 20 December

> and it definitely is here. Just this week there has been talk about sex toys and excess

Danger zone.

But in all seriousness, You may have to have a serious and honest talk about how your relationship works. If she doesn't feel it necessary OR comfortable about her personal fantasies, there is sure to be other problems that are being hidden.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 17 Points
  • 14:50:13, 20 December

There's a thread somewhere else I was in last week where I guy told a co-worker he masturbated to her Facebook pictures and I got downvoted for tactfully asking why he wasn't fired.

They came around but I was so confused. Help. I don't understand offices apparently.

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 17 Points
  • 14:56:05, 20 December

In my particular office environment, that would have been a really big deal. I work for a major corporation that takes sexual harassment very seriously.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 10 Points
  • 15:02:45, 20 December

As well they should. Apparently "she didn't want him to be fired", even though she blocked him on Facebook and there was no good context to the comment, I'm just wondering how the hell that would be okay.

I feel like I'm lacking perspective in such a blatant way, how does unwanted masturbation to your images, being conveyed directly to you, not indicate something unhealthy about a co-worker?

  • [-]
  • Adhominthem
  • 1 Points
  • 16:05:44, 20 December

>unwanted masturbation to your images >

Not sure her wanting him or not wanting him to fap to her is really part of it. The only thing the office should act on here is him disclosing that to her. The rest is just fap-shaming

  • [-]
  • JoopJoopSound2
  • 3 Points
  • 15:52:05, 20 December

What I've gathered from decades of office experience is that only the pretty people get away with conversations like that. If you are average looking then people complain about you.

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 15 Points
  • 14:39:05, 20 December

We joke about sex at work, but I can't imagine entering a contest like this with multiple co-workers and talking about being pounded. Apparently I spoke too quickly.

  • [-]
  • Ivashkin
  • 27 Points
  • 14:42:18, 20 December

In some offices it is, in others it isn't. And in some it's something some groups of people do, while others don't.

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 15 Points
  • 14:50:56, 20 December

If you look at my other comments, I have acknowledged that I may have extrapolated inappropriately from my twelve years of working in office environments.

I am still surprised so many see this as normal, but you learn something new every day.

Regardless of the environment, I think the OP can still be concerned that she went along with the office environment on this.

  • [-]
  • Ivashkin
  • 4 Points
  • 15:17:20, 20 December

It really depends on the culture at the company, and probably the level at which you are working. I don't see many VP's or directors talking like this, but it's not uncommon with finance clerks, especially if everyone involved is quite young. The nationality of everyone involved also matters, Americans tend to be more straight laced than the British for instance.

As for her going along with it, it could be concerning, or it could be just a bit of fun. That's really something for the OP to talk to his partner about. Personally, I wouldn't be overly worried about it and it might be possible to turn it into something kinky for them to share. Where I would get concerned is if she flatly refused to talk about it at all.

  • [-]
  • the_new_hunter_s
  • 2 Points
  • 15:36:30, 20 December

I don't know if concern is the right word. It seems like a bit of joking between a few friends. I would certainly say he should have a conversation about it more deeply so he can decide if he needs to be concerned.

  • [-]
  • DesdiPhoenix
  • 157 Points
  • 14:14:29, 20 December

>I work in an office, this is not just office girl talk.

>This whole situation is so WTF, you need to talk with her.

I also work in an office, yes it is.

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 138 Points
  • 14:37:44, 20 December

You talk about getting pounded by a monster at work?

You enter porn contests with co-workers?

I must work in a really uptight environment. We joke about sex, but nothing even close to this.

  • [-]
  • lissit
  • 1 Points
  • 16:46:29, 20 December

I work in a spa / all girls environment, this wouldn't be a weird convo there

  • [-]
  • 2w0x1
  • 1 Points
  • 16:23:31, 20 December

this is nothing compared to the shit me and my co-workers talk about and do on a regular basis. it's practically a game where we just bring up as much disgusting shit as we can just to make everyone else uncomfortable.

then again, i'm military

  • [-]
  • flashcats
  • 53 Points
  • 15:12:09, 20 December

People in my office do drugs together. A conversation like this is probably on the tame end of the scale.

  • [-]
  • ljpegging
  • 85 Points
  • 15:22:19, 20 December

That's not the norm.

  • [-]
  • the_new_hunter_s
  • 23 Points
  • 15:33:54, 20 December

But, it also isn't that uncommon. My boss pays for my beer when we go out, even. My work buys me a drug. I actually think this is kind of normal.

  • [-]
  • ljpegging
  • 43 Points
  • 15:39:32, 20 December

In no way shape or form is it normal.

  • [-]
  • lakerswiz
  • 1 Points
  • 17:29:10, 20 December

Wait what? A boss paying for a beer when you go out isn't normal?

  • [-]
  • opeboyal
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:02, 20 December

Was normal at my old job.

  • [-]
  • the_new_hunter_s
  • 1 Points
  • 16:35:03, 20 December

These were fortune 500 companies paying for me to get drunk. At least 25 fortune 1000 companies have bought me alcohol. If you don't think it's normal you haven't worked in an average corporate environment.

  • [-]
  • janus_marine
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:58, 20 December

So your argument is alcohol at the office holiday party = group entries to be fucked by porn star (complete with graphic discussions)

  • [-]
  • Unreliably
  • 1 Points
  • 17:19:10, 20 December

I'm pretty sure doing drugs isn't unless you're talking about alcohol, but above guy isn't

  • [-]
  • DigitalEvil
  • 1 Points
  • 17:45:18, 20 December

I've worked in a few Fortune 100 companies.

It is not normal.

  • [-]
  • Cormophyte
  • 1 Points
  • 15:41:55, 20 December

Nobody said it was normal, they said it was distinctly possible.

  • [-]
  • jackjm83
  • 11 Points
  • 15:57:29, 20 December

No, thenewhunter_s said "my work buys me drugs. I actually think this is kind of normal"

  • [-]
  • fdar
  • 1 Points
  • 16:13:24, 20 December

> Nobody said it was normal

But... but... thenewhunter_s just said

>I actually think this is kind of normal.

  • [-]
  • Cormophyte
  • 1 Points
  • 16:15:12, 20 December

Kind of normal isn't "this happens in every workplace" normal normal. Obviously it's not commonplace.

  • [-]
  • Hakumen
  • 4 Points
  • 15:59:03, 20 December

> I actually think this is kind of normal.

  • [-]
  • sdtp
  • 7 Points
  • 15:41:09, 20 December

Your work buys you drugs? That's fucked up on so many levels.

  • [-]
  • RobotOrgy
  • 1 Points
  • 16:51:22, 20 December

>That's fucked up on so many levels.

I think you meant "awesome".

  • [-]
  • fiveeightthirteen
  • 1 Points
  • 16:32:15, 20 December

Are you hiring by chance?

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 30 Points
  • 15:04:20, 20 December

"Imagine being pounded by that monster, yum." - While not talking to your partner about porn, or including that you sent naked photos in? The circumstance make it weirder than the fact that people are saying yum about being fucked by a big dick, in the office

  • [-]
  • derpconfused
  • 5 Points
  • 14:36:50, 20 December

I do not work in an office, and yes it is.

  • [-]
  • clls
  • 34 Points
  • 14:32:42, 20 December

but do you work at her office? you don't know the relationship she has with her coworkers and you don't know what they're like. maybe this is how office girl talk is in their office

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 12 Points
  • 14:40:54, 20 December

Yes, a couple people have said this is what their office chatter is like. I can't imagine entering a contest to star in a porn with multiple co-workers, I extrapolated too much from my work experiences.

  • [-]
  • lady_friend
  • 10 Points
  • 14:42:47, 20 December

I agree that he needs to talk with her about it, but this is exactly the kind of talk that goes on in my office on a daily basis. Without knowing her specific office dynamic, it's impossible to say how appropriate or inappropriate this office talk was.

  • [-]
  • janewashington
  • 5 Points
  • 14:48:16, 20 December

Regardless of whether it is standard for her office (which still blows my mind), I think OP is right to think this is odd behavior for someone in a committed relationship.

She is applying to cheat on him and spending a fair amount of time and energy on it.

  • [-]
  • cameraparts
  • 12 Points
  • 15:32:34, 20 December

Obviously they're friends, more then work colleagues. Therefore the relationship is two girlfriends talking about getting pounded. Which yes is normal.. To an extent.

  • [-]
  • EnviousDan
  • 1 Points
  • 17:42:32, 20 December

Do people no longer fantasize about awesome sex with sexy famous people?

  • [-]
  • pragmaticbastard
  • 235 Points
  • 14:30:45, 20 December

Not seeing as much "shame on you for snooping" than when a woman does the same thing and says it on here... It is a violation of trust, and you didn't have any strong giveaways that she was lying (and I would say even now you don't).

I'd for now not mention about what you found while snooping and sit her down to talk about your concerns about the application. Tell her you looked that up and the detail they ask for unnerved you and describe how it is making you feel worrying about the chance it could be serious and how you would feel if she went through with it. Talk about how weird it feels that she didn't mention something about the "joke" right away and you heard through the grapevine which made it feel like it was being hidden from you.

Edit: an addendum would be to keep a close eye out after talking with her for suspicious activity. The down side of not confronting her directly about what to found is if she lies and tries harder to hide it. Hopefully you'd notice behavior changes. The plus side is if you are wrong about her being serious, you don't come off as a total ass and cause trust issues from your privacy encroachment.

  • [-]
  • jacobman
  • 35 Points
  • 15:48:28, 20 December

People should definitely be consistent in their judgments.

I know I for one support snooping if you're a guy or a girl. I've talked to way too many people who are racked with guilt about how they found out about something despite the fact that they wouldn't have found out otherwise and were being grossly taken advantage of.

  • [-]
  • Lokky
  • 1 Points
  • 16:24:39, 20 December

yeah back in the day I snooped on my ex's messages after a lot of shit led me to it. She was telling a friend of hers that she was putting up with me "only until she graduates school" (which I was paying for) so she could then "leave that loser" and move in with her lover.

Was I proud for snooping? No, but it gave me a way out of a situation that was driving me into the pits of depression.

  • [-]
  • bostick
  • 1 Points
  • 16:59:57, 20 December

Yeah. If you're ready to break up with someone, snoop away. Dollars to donuts you'll find something actionable.

  • [-]
  • someguyfromtheuk
  • 1 Points
  • 17:36:17, 20 December

I see nothing wrong with snooping in this context. The fact that most people view snooping as such a horrible invasion of privacy but do it anyway shows their level of concern over the issue.

I'd guess that most incidents of snooping are merely to confirm something that the snooper is already pretty sure about, and is just looking for that final piece of confirmation.

  • [-]
  • pragmaticbastard
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:01, 20 December

I guess I am in a lucky relationship. We leave each other's phone and personal online profiles alone, although we know each other's passwords. We have created a healthy the space to ask questions if we are concerned. I've told the truth when I knew it would land me in deep shit when I could easily lie, as she has as well.

In many ways, if the conflict resolution skills are healthy, it is easier to 'fess up and repair the problems together than hide it and try to fix years of lying once the truth comes out.

  • [-]
  • jacobman
  • 1 Points
  • 16:38:22, 20 December

> We have created a healthy the space to ask questions if we are concerned. I've told the truth when I knew it would land me in deep shit when I could easily lie, as she has as well.

The problem is that that only works when the other person is legitimately honest and strong enough to face the issue rather than hide it, and you're not going to know if that's the case. Many people that are cheated on trust their partner before it comes out. You trusting your partner is not a good enough sign that they are trustworthy.

I don't think your approach is bad. I respect it, but I do think trying to do what you did comes with a not insignificant risk. Many people are really good at keeping secrets through either rationalization, inability to deal with the consequences, or sheer selfishness. Because of that I do not think poorly of those that choose to snoop.

  • [-]
  • pragmaticbastard
  • 1 Points
  • 16:45:42, 20 December

True, my way is very situational and took time and some near relationship ending events to establish. Although I feel it is a better option than snooping, it isn't practical for most people but maybe could be a sort of idea to work towards in the long run for a relationship. It definitely isn't the route I'd take immediately and just assume everything is hunky dory and they will always tell the truth.

  • [-]
  • A_Privateer
  • 1 Points
  • 16:56:57, 20 December

I'll never advocate for people snooping through their SO's emails, facebook, whatever, but I can't hold it against people who do and actually find something. I know people, who swore up and down that they'd never spy on their SO's, but they just "knew" something was wrong so they did. Lo and behold, they were unfortunately proven right.

  • [-]
  • securicorscares
  • 1 Points
  • 17:21:18, 20 December

Snooping is one thing. But, I once had an ex pretend to be me and talk to a friend of mine of the opposite sex on facebook. She was trying to get information about an affair that never happened. I ended that one right then and there. Super awkward seeing the friend later, too.

  • [-]
  • Agamemnon323
  • 4 Points
  • 15:49:58, 20 December

I'm surprised this isn't a higher rated comment. Good advice here.

  • [-]
  • A_Cunning_Plan
  • 13 Points
  • 15:57:38, 20 December

I'm feeling evil today.

Fake a congratulations letter, mail it to her with believable instructions about going to LA (or wherever) to be tested and sign papers and be in the shoot.

Then you'll get to see if she tries to go, or lies to you about it and tries to sneak off for a few days.

  • [-]
  • English_do
  • 36 Points
  • 12:07:38, 20 December

Snooping, something that is such a violation of someone. Then again, if they are lying to you/hiding something...

I did it twice before (I felt something wasn't right). both times I confirmed that she had done stuff I wasn't happy about and lied to me about it.

I'm not sure about you, but in my case it was the lying that upset me. Her being naughty turned me on (another story for another day).

I'm not sure how your gf is with you, if she would normally use an expression like "monster pounding her".

If at the start of the relationship she wasn't into porn and 4 years later she is. Not a problem. If she hides it from you, problem.

It's up to both of you to agree on things.

When in relationships, my personal porn habits and interests are my own. I'm happy to share some things with someone but some things I want to keep to myself.

Do you find any of this sexy/interesting? If so, perhaps you can have fun with it. Talking with her about the application and her fantasies might introduce something fun to your sex life!

  • [-]
  • noisydesktop
  • 2 Points
  • 15:44:15, 20 December

I snooped once as well. With an ex-girlfriend .. I was much younger then, many years ago. But yes I too "felt something wasn't right" and confirmed it via snooping in her email. She was flirting with all kinds of guys and pretending to be single (we were a couple and living together at the time) ...

I'd like to think I wouldn't snoop now ... I quite trust my current girlfriend so I have no reason to at the moment ... but I'd like to think I wouldn't do it even if tempted. I don't know ... it's a difficult situation when really confronted with not trusting someone and thinking something is up ... but really I guess if it gets to that point it's probably a screwed relationship anyway.

  • [-]
  • jacobman
  • 4 Points
  • 15:39:28, 20 December

> I did it twice before (I felt something wasn't right). both times I confirmed that she had done stuff I wasn't happy about and lied to me about it.

I've never once heard of a story where someone went snooping, they didn't find anything, and it caused problems, but I hear all the time about people who went snooping and found out something that their partner would have never told them that they would have wanted to know. Take that how you may.

  • [-]
  • Samsonerd
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:12, 20 December

ofcourse nobody tells the story where they snooped and didn't find anything. because then it's apparent that it's a dick move.

  • [-]
  • jacobman
  • 1 Points
  • 16:20:38, 20 December

Even if that's the case, I don't think it's bad. If nobody finds out and it simply makes the one person feel more comfortable, I don't see the harm. Obviously there's a point where you're doing it so often that it's destructive behavior on your side, but from what I can tell most people don't snoop unless their partner is being extremely suspicious.

  • [-]
  • redgreenapple
  • 8 Points
  • 15:25:13, 20 December

She sent nude or nearly nude pictures in with her application ? That's a big deal if so.

  • [-]
  • yumkittentits
  • 4 Points
  • 15:13:34, 20 December

It sounds like you need to have a conversation about what your boundaries are in your relationship.

Do you consider sending sexy nude photos to someone else cheating? In my relationship it is, so I would have had a huge issue with that. If you don't think the photos are the issue, then it's not an issue.

Do you consider taking action to sleep with someone else, even if you have a small chance at success, cheating? I would be incredibly hurt by this.

Do you find fantasizing about porn stars to be cheating? I don't, and if you watch porn you probably don't either.

Also just because you thought you were okay, and later decided you were upset doesn't mean you shouldn't bring it back up, or you don't have the right to. You have a right to change your mind, and you have a right to talk about something bothering you at any point in time.

Snooping, you need to come clean. You need to work on a solution for this to never happen again. In my relationship, if we are worried about something, we ask if the other person can show us that text message, email, whatever. It's not snooping, the person has a choice, but it also eases whatever fear we may have had.

  • [-]
  • topjimmy100
  • 4 Points
  • 15:23:37, 20 December

Co worker? From my own experience (I've had a lot of female co workers) this does not sound .. um very hopeful of a case wrt her being monogamous with you. Women get involved with the people they work with lots. This is true. I can't say one way or another if everything is fine but pay attention to your gut on that. All I can tell you is I've been with a lot of women that I work with.

  • [-]
  • clls
  • 94 Points
  • 14:30:40, 20 December

Her coworker and her talked about james deen, and when you asked about it she told you that she applied. It does not sound like she is keeping it a secret from you.

The stuff she says to her coworker (who might be a good friend as well?) about which guys she finds sexually attractive, really is none of your business. You could tell her that you feel uncomfortable about it, but you can't forbid her to talk about sexual attraction with others.

It sounds like they all decided to apply together as a joke, without knowing it would be so much work. When she found out she probably didn't have the heart to tell them that she would be the only one not participating in the joke.

Do you think she would go through with it when she gets selected? To be honest, I highly doubt it.

If you're bothered by the whole thing, talk to her about it. But keep in mind that - as far as you know - she did not plan on going through with it and that she did not lie to you about it either. Don't start a fight, just try to make it an open conversation where you talk about your feelings and try to understand the other better

  • [-]
  • mahtahild
  • 71 Points
  • 14:44:32, 20 December

I agree, I still think it was just a "hey lets just apply for some laughs" kind of thing. I'm sorry but I don't see

>"Imagine a monster (dick?) like that pounding at you, yum."

As anything to be put off by. How many males laugh and joke with their friends and coworkers about females like that? I know many many a guy who show a friend or coworker a picture that came up on facebook and they all chime in with some commentary about it.

Now if that's something you personally don't think is appropiate you should talk to her about that. But it sounds like she's just indulging in a fantasy crush that she probably assumes she has no real possibility of fulling, and probably wouldn't even if she was chosen.

I don't know how you will admit to knowing that she said those things on facebook, but if they really bother you talk to her about it and explain that it's not that you think she's going to cheat, just that the way she is indulging in this fantasy hurt your feelings and you wish she hadn't submitted pictures like that for other men to look at and judge, ect ect

  • [-]
  • Tomledo
  • 33 Points
  • 15:07:34, 20 December

I think the 'monster' comment plays on personal insecurities. I know that if my SO said stuff like that (which she might have) I would be at least a bit concerned that she would want something a little more than she's got with me. Every man wants to feel like he can please his lady, and comments like the one OP's gf made just kind of spark a little doubt is all.

  • [-]
  • mahtahild
  • 22 Points
  • 15:14:19, 20 December

You're right, I think the jealousy and hurt feelings are completely understandable and I would be hurt if my SO said something like that too. But it's just a matter of regulating your jealousy to a reasonable level. What I mean is, does OP have every right to be a little wounded by his GFs comments? Hell yes. Does OPs girlfriend really plan to fuck James Deen? Probably not. Does OPs GF have the right to have sexual fantasies? Absolutely.

So even though I would be just as hurt, I would have to sit down and really think about how much of my jealousy is just a result of my emotions and insecurities, and how much of it is that my SO really plans to truely go out and fuck a porn star, and then handle the situation accordingly.

  • [-]
  • little-bird
  • 21 Points
  • 15:41:55, 20 December

same argument every woman who doesn't want her boyfriend looking at porn uses.

  • [-]
  • Tomledo
  • 1 Points
  • 16:20:56, 20 December

That's true! It's odd to see the shoe on the other foot, isn't it?

  • [-]
  • andampersand
  • 1 Points
  • 16:24:45, 20 December

But his dick isn't even that big. I'm pretty sure she meant monster as in sexual monster, not his penis. I think OP added in "(dick?)"

  • [-]
  • Tomledo
  • 1 Points
  • 16:29:56, 20 December

True but even if it is just about his performance, then it still could spark some self doubt. Also keep in mind that she only has ever been with OP so he also is worried that these are signs that she's unhappy only having experience with one man.

  • [-]
  • IAmATimeTraveler
  • 1 Points
  • 17:07:05, 20 December

His dick is 9 inches. That's not big?

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 17 Points
  • 15:08:53, 20 December

I'm an incredibly open person who has and will continue to regularly talk about almost any sexual topic with complete strangers (when it's appropriate), but I definitely don't go around making comments like "Could you imagine pounding that tight pussy?" or "His huge cock probably feels great, mmmmm!"

This sounds more like she's hiding an entire side to her sexuality from him, not that she's just talking sexually with other people. Her comment shocked him, her actions that she didn't share confused him to the point of nausea. I can only estimate that this is all unusual behavior for the person he thought he knew.

Then again I'm coming from a weird perspective of someone who doesn't fantasize about celebrities, and apparently that's normal (?).

  • [-]
  • mahtahild
  • 16 Points
  • 15:24:16, 20 December

I see what you're saying, it is like she's hiding a sexual side from him. But that's probably just because that sexual side is a crush involving a porn star that she knew would hurt OPs feelings if she shared it with him openly. I think she just got carried away in the conversation with her friend. I guess this is just a judgement call for OP about what he's comfortable with.

Personally I think my SO looking at porn is fine, I think him having a crush or preference for certain actresses is understandable, and I expect that he has conversations with friends or other guys about females that include some pretty lewd comments. Would I ever want to hear them or know about them? No. But I understand that it's not a threat to our relationship and that he's not wanting to cheat just because he's still attracted to other women so I try to regulate my automatic jealousy reaction when I do

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 5 Points
  • 15:26:01, 20 December

I think a lot of my evaluation of the situation really relied on how much I trusted OP's response via diction. It's good to have multiple perspectives.

  • [-]
  • carpe_annum
  • 3 Points
  • 16:02:27, 20 December

I don't know if you're being hyperbolic with the thing about "many many a guy" who would show a friend a picture...I've known guys like that, sleazy guys with really no redeeming qualities, one or two of them. Most dudes I know who are shown a picture of a pretty girl will just say "wow" or "damn" and go about their business, not go into explicit detail. In fact many people I know have remarked about how much more women talk with each other about sex than men that we've all seen, and how much that goes against the stereotype. I can hardly find a friend to tell that I had sex without it getting weird, let alone positions and stuff.

  • [-]
  • kixofmyg0t
  • 1 Points
  • 16:52:47, 20 December

>The stuff she says to her coworker about which guys she finds sexually attractive, really is none of your business.

I totally disagree with this. Especially with the "imagine that monster pounding at you" comment. IMO that crosses a line.

If the situation were reversed you know damn well it wouldn't be ok. I wouldn't think its ok for me to enter a contest to have sex with Insert relevant female porn actress or talk to my coworkers about how much I wanna fuck someone else. If my wife found that kind of stuff out I'm sure she would be devastated.

Just my opinion.

  • [-]
  • prstele01
  • 16 Points
  • 14:01:04, 20 December

I think OP is a troll.

This sounds way too much like the story posted on Reddit the other day by the Washington Post blogger who did exactly what OP is saying his GF did.

  • [-]
  • JXDB
  • 18 Points
  • 14:10:45, 20 December

Maybe, but a lot of people have been applying since that article.

  • [-]
  • carpe_annum
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:28, 20 December

Let's be serious here, that Washington Post blog post goes viral and a bunch of ladies have probably signed up since then. I think you might be troll hunting a little too hard there, jumping at shadows.

  • [-]
  • Syntax_Raptor
  • 2 Points
  • 14:59:13, 20 December

Very likely, but the case is still valid and deserves rational debate.

  • [-]
  • TacoGoat
  • 2 Points
  • 15:17:19, 20 December

Could someone find the contest to at least prove that part right?

  • [-]
  • prstele01
  • 4 Points
  • 15:19:38, 20 December

You can apply to be in a scene with James Deen on his website.

  • [-]
  • TacoGoat
  • 2 Points
  • 15:50:24, 20 December

Didn't know. I think I'm one of the few women out there who don't care for him, haha.

  • [-]
  • blasphemicmonk
  • 2 Points
  • 15:25:15, 20 December

Jamesdeen.com it's one of the links at the top.

  • [-]
  • fap_fap_fap_
  • 6 Points
  • 15:26:19, 20 December

this is very simple, you didn't even need to snoop.

take her out to a restaurant (or any other public place), and tell her that you need to talk about something that is very very serious and that you need a real answer. ask her, if she wins this contest, regardless of the chances of winning, academically, if she wins this contest, what will she do?

also ask her how she'd feel if you enter an equivalent contest. if she's says she's ok, then that is basically an open relationship. if you are not ok with that... something about lawyers, gym and thinking cap.

  • [-]
  • LXTRoach
  • 3 Points
  • 15:43:32, 20 December

I don't know about OP, but if I saw an application list for my favorite porn star, I'd apply...

  • [-]
  • _galadorn_
  • 2 Points
  • 16:02:20, 20 December

Yikes, that's no joke. OP please keep us updated, I hope this gets sorted out.

  • [-]
  • MammonAnnon
  • 1 Points
  • 16:33:27, 20 December

Your girlfriend is not going to be in a porn scene with James Deen. The possibility of that ever happening is vanishingly remote.

Have you ever talked with your male co-workers about female porn stars? Have you ever watched porn? Have you ever gone through with your fantasy?

Take a deep breath and get some perspective.

Okay. Now that you have your head on straight, you should think about if you want to open up this conversation with your partner. You say you had to invade her privacy to "discover" this. You didn't. She told you. The private conversations she's having with her friends are just that. Private.

If you value you relationship you should probably sweep this under the rug. There is nothing wrong with having idle fantasies. Again the possibility that your girlfriend is going to be in a porn movie with James Deen is vanishingly remote. It is not a serious cause for serious concern. If you have ever fantasized about being with a female porn star you are guilty of the same sin.

  • [-]
  • MatthewEdward
  • 44 Points
  • 13:32:54, 20 December

Guys say the same sort of thing all the time- whether its about female celebrities or female acquaintances.

One of the differences is that female sexuality is more repressed, so they're generally less comfortable talking about guys they'd like to have sex with. When there are individual figures (like James Deen) who are widely considered 'popular' sexual fantasies, they can be openly attracted to them without feeling abnormal.

So while a group of guys might sit down and talk about all the different actresses they've always wanted to bone, or the girls in class who has the best body- girls are more likely to become collectively fixated on an individual celebrity. In middle school this is manifested by someone like Justin Bieber, and then maybe someone like Robert Pattinson in high school as they mature. It's about conformity and having things in common with peers more than anything else.

I'd say you really don't have to worry- yeah she made a comment that implied she'd hypothetically like to have sex with a guy who is renowned for being excellent at sex. Get over yourself, you make the same implicit comments whenever you watch porn, or whenever you check out a girl and she notices. Only difference is that for her it all seems to be concentrated on one unattainable (and therefore safe from temptation) figure. A guy who jerks off from dozens of different porn actresses a month is showing that he wants sexual variety- which is far more dangerous in a monogamous relationship than a celebrity crush.

You probably shouldn't have snooped, and she would feel bad if she knew you read her comment, but your best move here is to forget about it.

  • [-]
  • JXDB
  • 33 Points
  • 14:11:42, 20 December

> yeah she made a comment that implied she'd hypothetically like to have sex with a guy who is renowned for being excellent at sex.

And has filled out an extensive application form including pics....

  • [-]
  • wiking85
  • 20 Points
  • 14:03:34, 20 December

The problem isn't her talking about it, its the fact that she actually applied to have sex with this guy and then talked about it. So the problem is actually to do with her attempting to act on her sex talk. Are you going to tell me that if he did the same thing she wouldn't have the right to be upset? What person would tolerate their SO putting in an application with pictures (probably nude) to have sex on camera, in the public eye, with another person???

  • [-]
  • BadDecisionDino
  • 1 Points
  • 16:41:41, 20 December

> Guys say the same sort of thing all the time- whether its about female celebrities or female acquaintances.

Oh yeah, that's the kind of thing I do with my bros all the time.

"Yoooo man, that girl is fine! I'd hit that pussy so hard, dude! Hell, I just put in a formal application to hit it. Incidentally, bro, here's the picture I attached OF THE DICK WITH WHICH I WOULD HIT IT. YOU KNOW. JUST IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED FOR REFERENCE PURPOSES. NO HOMO."

  • [-]
  • djrocksteady
  • 18 Points
  • 14:41:25, 20 December

> eah she made a comment that implied she'd hypothetically like to have sex with a guy who is renowned for being excellent at sex. Get over yourself, you make the same implicit comments whenever you watch porn

uh, what? She entered a sex contest! How is that the same thing? And for the record, I do not make those comments that you say guys make all the time.

  • [-]
  • lousymom
  • 38 Points
  • 14:02:06, 20 December

Thank you. I am seeing a lot of people say that he should confront her and she's crossed a line.

Your GF sounds like she is much closer to this person than just an office-mate. Sounds like they are friends. She also seems to recognize that her actual likelihood of screwing James Deen is incredibly low. When someone buys a lotto ticket with coworkers, they don't run out and hire a contractor to redo the kitchen. She's not planning to screw him. She's just being silly with her pal.

She's not cheating on you. She doesn't prefer someone else to you. She's just being silly with a pal and saying things in the context of that to someone (her pal) that she does not have and does not want a sexual relationship with. So, much like scoring karma point on Reddit, she's scoring some pal points by making the right noises and probably lying to just be part of the silliness/game.

It's meaningless. And the problem here is you taking it personally and snooping. Who cares? If she wins the competition, yeah, you have a conversation coming. But right now? It's just silliness you shouldn't have snooped on. If you do talk to her, your main focus should be apologizing for violating her trust to snoop on her conversations with her pal.

  • [-]
  • mahtahild
  • 17 Points
  • 14:56:11, 20 December

Seriously the double standard here is infuriating. Guys sit around a computer making illicit comments about some girl who popped up on their facebook wall from Hot-Girls-Site-#1265 all day and it's just guys having fun. Girl makes sexual comments with a good friend about a hot porn star they know they're probably never going to even talk to, and BAM she's just itching to jump on the next cock that walks her way buddy, dump that cheating whore NOW!

I get that she filled out a questionnaire that put her in the running with what, thousands of other females? I think we can safely assume that she's not really planning on fucking someone else, and can just take it at face value as a joke like she openly admitted to him already.

  • [-]
  • bostick
  • 32 Points
  • 15:35:42, 20 December

The comments and porn sharing is one thing, but actually applying to fuck someone else isn't "all in good fun". She sent in pictures of herself. The OP was wrong to snoop, but the GF clearly misinterpreted where the boundaries of the relationship lie. My wife and I are fairly open, but if she found out I filled out a lengthy application (complete with pictures) to have sex with another woman, she would be hurt. And justifiably so, that is messed up.

  • [-]
  • The_Alpha_Mail
  • 1 Points
  • 16:23:14, 20 December

Oh man I LOVE Hot-Girls-Site #1265!

I think it's a measure of what people are comfortable with. Saying you want to screw someone but doing nothing to make it possible is one thing. Filling out an application for it is taking a step toward being able to and that is a bit weird.

  • [-]
  • Letmefixthatforyouyo
  • 6 Points
  • 15:36:34, 20 December

I think it holds the same status as being flirty with someone on gone wild. There is a big difference between consuming porn and engaging with a pornstar. Sure it's a lark, but so is chatting up someone on gw. You've changed the fantasy from just fantasy to the first steps of engaging with that fantasy.

Now, both are fine if they are fine with it, but submitting yourself with detailed pictured into a contest to fuck someone is not the same as making a bawdy comment to a freind.

  • [-]
  • IAmATimeTraveler
  • 1 Points
  • 17:14:34, 20 December

I don't know. Girls comment about hot dudes all the time and no one cares. In this case the issue is that she is actively trying to fuck someone else. So I don't think it quite compares to the other.

  • [-]
  • Delehal
  • 19 Points
  • 12:10:12, 20 December

Sounds like it's time to have a serious sit-down talk. How would she feel if you did this sort of thing?

For me, I figure consuming porn passively is very different from actually interacting with stars in a sexual capacity, whether they're amateur or professional. Maybe to her this is just a fun fantasy, but for you it seems to have crossed some lines.

The snooping is a problem, too. Each of you has some 'splaining to do.

  • [-]
  • GorillaJ
  • 1 Points
  • 16:51:04, 20 December

Sending pictures and filling out an application is a big no no. I'd talk to her and make it very clear she crossed a line; it's not quite cheating, but it's damn inappropriate, and she's on probation.

  • [-]
  • Syntax_Raptor
  • 9 Points
  • 12:58:58, 20 December

If you are hurt. You should confront her about it ASAP.

Only thing I would like to add is: try not to let jealousy get the better of you, it is possible it is not as serious as you have made it out to be. Yes, what she is doing is hurting you, but if you antagonize her, she will become defensive and that would be counter-productive. Try to stay clam and composed and be sincere, direct and firm.

Good luck.

Addendum: I edited my response to take your emotion state into account. I believe post like these should always be taken with a grain of salt, since they rarely present the whole story. Nobody can be sure why she did it in the first place, probably peer-pressure. Simply confirming your anger would only fill you with a false sense of self-righteousness and in turn only exacerbate the problem IMO.
Again you have every right to be upset, that is your prerogative, but you should man up and handel the situation with tact and learn to better communicate because she obviously has no idea you would be bothered by this, and I am sorry to say, that is your fault.

  • [-]
  • AsAlwaysItDepends
  • 13 Points
  • 12:55:24, 20 December

Do you two communicate about sex at all? Four years is a long time, and especially in the beginning of things people are learning what they like and don't like and attitudes will often change. Would it bother you if her outlook on porn changed?

I don't see this as her keeping a secret from you, it's her having separate relationships from you. I don't expect my wife to tell me about every dirty joke she makes with her friends.

I think you owe her an apology for snooping and then have a talk about your feelings. Be sure to use lots of 'when [this] happened/was said it made me feel like [that]' language.

  • [-]
  • daredevil82
  • 13 Points
  • 13:43:41, 20 December

So you would be perfectly fine with your wife filling out the same application?

  • [-]
  • greenlightideas
  • 23 Points
  • 14:18:16, 20 December

The real question is would your wife be perfectly fine with you filling out an application to go fuck someone else; without her knowledge? Something tells me that activity couldn't be explained away with "wanting to experience something new" or "exploring your sexuality more".

  • [-]
  • daredevil82
  • 3 Points
  • 14:24:51, 20 December

You make a good edit to my point. Being open and up front about this is fine as long as everyone is ok with it. OP's SO hiding this is definitely not OK.

  • [-]
  • The_Alpha_Mail
  • 24 Points
  • 13:37:37, 20 December

You don't see someone filling out an application to be in a porn scene behind your back with someone else as keeping a secret?

I know this is a sex positive place but that would honestly weird me out too.

  • [-]
  • AsAlwaysItDepends
  • 6 Points
  • 14:53:10, 20 December

There was a lottery pool at work yesterday. Nobody in that pool believed they'd win for a second. Nobody had thought about who they'd hire to manage their money or for PR. It was a fantasy. It was a fantasy they spent a dollar to participate in. This is a fantasy she submitted a picture to participate in.

It would hurt my feelings if my wife did it and didn't tell me because I've been really clear and open with her about my desire to communicate better about sex. I'd ask her if she'd like to put some James Deen on the next time we had sex.

  • [-]
  • Syntax_Raptor
  • 4 Points
  • 14:00:11, 20 December

As AAID said this has to do with a relationship he is not part of. She is being open with her colleagues, so she is not keeping it a secret, she just choses not to involve him in the joke, possibly because of the way he might react or because it is a joke and she does not need his permission for fantasies.

  • [-]
  • The_Alpha_Mail
  • 9 Points
  • 14:08:47, 20 December

So you would be okay with your SO sending pictures and an application to a porn star? Without telling you.

  • [-]
  • clls
  • 7 Points
  • 14:35:53, 20 December

but she did tell him

  • [-]
  • Syntax_Raptor
  • 3 Points
  • 14:25:39, 20 December

I am very open about these things and I would make it known I understand it is a joke and respond accordingly, so she would probably tell me in the first place.

To me, it would only signal she is sexualy open and secure. So I would signal the same by helping her win, and tease her about how all her future queefs would sound like gusts of wind, you know it's a joke. So yes I would be totally fine with it. but that's me.

  • [-]
  • fatguyinakilt
  • 3 Points
  • 15:27:03, 20 December

It is hard to say what is really going on but if it were me I would be upset at the application. She has made herself available to another man sexually that hurt you and that's a problem. Fantasies are fine and healthy, but actually entering a lottery to have sex with your fantasy is a bit over the line. I would stay calm put the shoe on the other foot, ask her if some porn actress was holding a contest to sleep with her and where the film ends up on her website would she be upset if you applied with your buddies? Especially without telling her and all the work that goes into that application, ask her if she would feel hurt and/or threatened.

  • [-]
  • SillyNonsense
  • 6 Points
  • 15:21:30, 20 December

Dude, doesn't matter if the guy is a porn star, she's trying to fuck another guy behind your back.

This is not something you've discussed or agreed upon.

Does this make more sense putting it like that?

  • [-]
  • MissDiagnosisNY
  • 10 Points
  • 13:17:48, 20 December

Nobody goes through that much work just for a joke.

  • [-]
  • TheTallGuy0
  • 2 Points
  • 15:37:58, 20 December

At my office, we save this sort of stuff for Hooker Thursdays, of course.

  • [-]
  • Gaslov
  • 1 Points
  • 15:48:56, 20 December

You might want to abandon that sinking ship.

  • [-]
  • Bacore
  • 1 Points
  • 16:18:16, 20 December

My problem would be that her info and photos would now be on a list of girl's willing to be porn stars.... which could easily be searchable in a year or so. While it may have all been in fun,to future employers and others it will still look like she's interested in earning extra cash by being filmed in sex acts.

  • [-]
  • shmirshal
  • 1 Points
  • 16:22:13, 20 December

James Deen reddits, someone get him to this thread to get his opinion.

  • [-]
  • REDHOTMOMMA6
  • 1 Points
  • 16:32:28, 20 December

It seems as if it were an overreaction to snoop, and then an extreme overreaction to get upset over the conversation she had with her co-worker. Have you ever fantasied about girls with a tighter pussy/bigger boobs/better assets than your girlfriend? It's unrealistic to think she would put blinders on her fantasies and only think about dicks your size or smaller. Of course she is going to have her own preferences, and just because she can recognize that one specific dick would give her pleasure, that doesn't mean yours is now somehow inferior. I don't think you would be able to find a man or woman who wouldn't at least recognize that better "assets" (whatever that means to them) would make for a pleasurable experience. She simply vocalized this universal fact in a private conversation.

You know her, you know what she's capable of and whether or not she is worthy of your trust. She crossed a line in actually sending in the application, yes, but this seems more like a joke taken too far than an attempt at cheating. If you haven't had any issues until now, you might want to give her the benefit of the doubt when talking to her about this. But on that same note, please do not hold back about how insecure and hurt this makes you feel, because you two seem to look at the situation from completely different perspectives.

  • [-]
  • ShadyDude995
  • 1 Points
  • 16:35:33, 20 December

In your situation, I'd react pretty aggressively. I'd confront her, and wouldn't even feel bad about it.

  • [-]
  • Ohuma
  • 1 Points
  • 16:41:23, 20 December

I wonder if maybe she is just feeling pressured to go along with it. Maybe it was a joke in the office that she was having fun with. That facebook comment is a pretty unsettling. I've been in situations where I just agree or go along with some office prank or joke for the sake of not being excluded.

I know the paranoia must be getting to you, but after 4 years, you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

  • [-]
  • l1f309
  • 1 Points
  • 16:44:03, 20 December

Whats the website ..i want to enter aswell

  • [-]
  • Apeman92
  • 1 Points
  • 16:53:06, 20 December

Tell her you entered a contest for your favorite female pornstar and see what she says

  • [-]
  • pixeltarian
  • 1 Points
  • 17:27:15, 20 December

I home someone reads this and restates it in a more eloquent way, but I think the "dark side" approach needs to be on the table:

A lot of people will think I'm giving terrible advice here. I just want this to be on the table of options because I don't fully know the situation, but could see a situation that would justify such actions. I will say some more sensible stuff after I get this thought out. This is all built on the premise that this girl is an immature/aloof 20-something and needs to be treated as such. I'm whipping this up quick so it's a bit sloppy and probably not quite right, but think of it like a conceptual framework that needs improvement:

  • See her less.
  • be around other attractive women more (platonically).
  • If she asks if something is wrong, reluctantly admit "I just think the porn application thing is kind of a turn off so I haven't felt as attracted to you since you told me about it."

The goal is to not appear weak and needy while rebuilding desirability and demonstrate that you are a sexual being that is choosing to be with her even though there are other quality women that you could be with. The aloof 20-something needs to feel you are a scarce commodity. It sounds like coworkers have made her more detached from her relationship. When reading about it I picture a group of shitty girls going, "Hey betches, let's fuck a porn star lololllolz." I disagree with the comments that say she wasn't trying to hide it. She didn't tell you until you found out. That's about as hiding as it gets.

And now for my personal experience of trying the gentle "talk it through" approach: Sadly, one trait that has been in each girl I've dated thus far in life (but I sure hope not every girl on the planet) is that they don't really give me consideration until I ask them how they would feel if I did what they are doing. For some reason doing that simple thing has made girls go, "omg you're right. I would be furious. How could I be so stupid?" Unfortunately this also makes one look weak and frail to some women. Personally, I'd rather meet someone who is aware of my feelings and doesn't need to constantly be shown that they would not be ok with me behaving the way they are (especially when some women will understand your point, but also view it as self-emasculation).

Talking it out might do more harm then good unless you follow a very specific goal. If you complain how it hurts your feelings and what if you did the same thing and blah blah blah you may have the opposite effect; She may be even more interested in getting away from someone who can't handle her or pressures her to constantly consider how her actions are effecting someone else because it can be a "you are not free" sort of feeling. If she sees that you could get other women and aren't especially attached to her it may very well snap her back into reality and rebuild attraction. I'm not saying this is the nice thing to do, I'm just offering a solution that keeps in mind the psychology of some women versus the "nice guy" thing to do.

  • [-]
  • jady1971
  • 1 Points
  • 17:27:35, 20 December

Imagine if this post was from a woman who found out her boyfriend entered a "Have sex with Sasha Grey" contest, filled out an extensive application and sent pics.

This would be a totally different conversation.

  • [-]
  • Banelingz
  • 1 Points
  • 17:35:48, 20 December

Wow, I can't believe so many people are trying to justify this behavior.

Ask yourself this, if a girl comes on here and said her bf 'jokingly' applied to have sex with Sasha Grey, and sent them a bunch of dick pics, is it ok?

  • [-]
  • blondedre3000
  • 1 Points
  • 17:39:48, 20 December

Yeah, but it's James Deen. I'd fuck James Deen and I'm a straight dude.

  • [-]
  • YourPartySucked
  • 5 Points
  • 15:06:43, 20 December

So she lied about her porn habits, and lied about how hard she's trying to get involved with this.... when she says she wants to visit "family" in California here in a month or two are you really going to trust her? Are you really ever going to be able to trust her even though she's actively making plans to have sex with another man? Dump her already.

  • [-]
  • Boombaby4275
  • 4 Points
  • 12:02:58, 20 December

I think you should talk to her about it. You have to come clean about snooping in her buisness thoug, so it's not going to be a fun experience either way.

You have had your feelings hurt, and that is worth talking about. Maybe she doesn't understand that her behaviour can be hurtful? I personally think what she is doing to be way more out there than watching/disgussing porn, but I can't be a good judge of her character because I don't know her. She might just be taking a joke or fantasy too far without giving it a second thought, especially if she is unfamiliar with boundaries pertaining to porn. From what you said, she doesn't seem to be an experienced porn-watcher.

Give it a good thinking through, get calm and plan the talk as best as you can. Best of luck

  • [-]
  • Valkes
  • 4 Points
  • 15:21:54, 20 December

Just because it would really amuse me if you did, fake an email to her saying she's been selected and see what happens. I'm sure you could come up with something convincing.

  • [-]
  • cosmicjacuzzi
  • 1 Points
  • 16:06:31, 20 December

FALCON DUUUUUMP

  • [-]
  • x_katrina_x
  • 1 Points
  • 17:16:35, 20 December

She filled in a serious application form. That's bad. But so did a load of people she works with, so it could be nothing more than office banter - "OMG, you can actually apply to fuck this guy." "OMG, you should totally do it" "Only if you will" "We all will, it'll be a laugh"

So far, all you have is the same kind of thing as you and the guys looking at a titty mag and having a bit of banter about the girls in there. That's it.

WARNING: What I'm about to write below involves escalating the situation, and will jeopardize your relationship. I don't think I'd personally do it, but you're clearly not averse to snooping, so I'm going to put it out there

If you want to know how serious she actually is, register a domain - something nice and anonymous like "abcproductions.com" or similar. Email your girlfriend, posing as an agent who is responding to her application and telling her she's passed the initial application stage. Probe a little, and see how far she's actually prepared to take this. Ask her to re-send the photos she submitted if you want to see what she sent. If she seems receptive, you can take it as far as actually arranging a shoot, making it clear that she will be fucked on camera. If she magically becomes unavailable for those dates, then you know she was in fact serious about her application. You could even be there waiting when she shows up for the shoot, and film the break up for a fitting post to /r/justiceporn.

Seriously, this would be a massive dick move. A monster dick move, in fact. But if you really believe that she's serious, this will prove her intent one way or the other.

  • [-]
  • daredevil82
  • 2 Points
  • 13:45:52, 20 December

I would talk with her. If she tries to pin the snooping on you, bring up that you've never applied to fuck a porn star and the fact she did so hurt you a great deal.

  • [-]
  • AphoticAlma
  • 4 Points
  • 14:44:20, 20 December

Okay, this will probably get buried, but maybe you should calm down a bit. So she has fantasized about a porn star. That's kinda the point of it. I think you should have a talk. But remember if you're watching porn it's wrong to expect her not to. If you find a woman in porn attractive and have ever gotten off to seeing her get fucked/imaged yourself doing it, it's not unreasonable to think she has dont the same. You dislike the conversation she had with her co worker and that's okay. Fess up to snooping, and explain that you feel really uncomfortable her talking like this with other people. Tell her what you feel is acceptable and what isn't. Tell her how you feel about her being attracted to mr deen, but you have to remember that an attraction/fantasy is just that. It generally doesn't mean anything. I'm sure you've had thoughts of a sexual nature/watched porn so it's not right to hold her to standards you yourself don't meet. Seems to me that you need to feel special, you feel hurt because you feel like your not enough. Tell her how you feel and why, that might even mean you have to figure out why yourself first, then find a way to feel like your special again. Straight out tell her you need her toss you feel special again.

  • [-]
  • outline01
  • 1 Points
  • 16:39:37, 20 December

The point. You've missed it.

  • [-]
  • PussyPass
  • 3 Points
  • 15:19:52, 20 December

You've been designated "Captain Sav-a-ho". You've been designated "good enough" to be her boyfriend, for now, but not good enough to have great sex with or be treated with a modicum of respect, decency and courtesy. DTMFB. It's over. Her intent is clear. Dump her before Christmas and return the gifts for your money back. She has every intent of fucking this porn loser and has probably fucked other people already. That's not what you signed up for. Dump her. Don't bother talking to her. WHY do you need to talk to her? WHY? She's made her intentions known. She had her say, with her friends, and that's how she really feels.

  • [-]
  • daulm
  • 4 Points
  • 13:20:59, 20 December

I think you are the one in the wrong, snooping is not cool and is worse than what she has done. You didn't mention whether the pictures she sent in were naked or not, if so, that might cross the line, and obviously if she had sex in a porn that would be completely wrong for her given the situation.

Guys talk about hot chicks not too differently than that, and it doesn't seem that weird for her to say something like that with a friend.

She might be uncomfortable with you saying the same sort of thing about a woman, and she might not be ok with you looking at porn, but you weren't very specific on her attitude towards those types of behavior, so I assume that although she may not like porn she doesn't forbid you from it, and she understands that you may be sexually attracted to celebrities.

  • [-]
  • MargotteL
  • 1 Points
  • 14:31:28, 20 December

Why the fuck do people tell you to end things and that it's fucked up?!

You fucking logged in to her Facebook account, that is unacceptable! Plus, she has the right to fantasize, and doesn't necessarily have to talk to you about it if she doesn't want to. She entitled to her privacy even if she's in a relationship with you, and you violated that privacy!

She told you she applied, it's not like she hid it from you, she was honest with you. You shouldn't take that seriously, it's not like she's cheating on you or anything, she's just having so fun with her coworkers. She probably won't even go with it if she's asked to actually do the scene, especially if you tell her you're not ok with it.

She didn't do anything wrong, you're just freaking out about practically nothing.

  • [-]
  • o0_R_Leone_0o
  • 15 Points
  • 14:42:38, 20 December

The snooping's bad, there's no two ways about it.

OP fucked up.

However, unless the relationship is defined as "open" or some other equivalent to " you can have sex with other people besides the one you're in a committed relationship with", this "joke" skirts dangerously close to crossing the line in a really hurtful way, and the evidence presented supports the idea that this is isn't some waste-of-time gag between friends. Why go through all of the trouble for a joke...especially a joke that could ruin your relationship...?

Both parties have to come to the table and discuss this in serious terms. Dismissing OP's feelings as an overreaction isn't a good idea in this instance.

  • [-]
  • cas4t
  • 3 Points
  • 15:16:43, 20 December

Her talking with her coworkers about it is rather shameful given the fact that she's in a 4 year relationship. Applying for it in general is not something you should do while in a relationship.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Mikhailovich
  • 3 Points
  • 15:00:19, 20 December

I don't know what to tell you, mate.

Sounds like the whole relationship needs to have a huge amount of trust and communication being developed to ever get this ironed out. No offense intended in any sense by that, but somehow she's developed a sexual openness with her co-workers and what appears on the outside to be an increasing indulgence in her sexual fantasies.

That quote you posted? Dripping with sincere sexuality, and open as hell about it.

There's no reason to freak out about this, feel sick, etc. Not really, breathe deep and try to bring it around in your head to some basic self-esteem. You're you, it's your life, it's worth living happy, and you're worth being with.

Once you've reminded yourself of that... My best suggestion is to sit down and with as much enthusiasm and light-heartedness as possible, try and open up discussion about this. "Hey, I looked at that contest and It... was a little more involved than you mentioned, heh. You can do what you want, but I'm not sure why you didn't talk to me about that, can we talk?"

Things like that are uncomfortable, but if you can't initiate a deep and necessary talk like that I don't know how well the relationship is going to run in the longer term. Best of luck, mate. Breathe.

  • [-]
  • kaji823
  • 2 Points
  • 15:39:51, 20 December

I wouldn't bring up the snooping man. She was honest with you, though not detailed, and you went behind her back.

The best thing to do is sit and talk with her about the application. Be honest - it threw you off. Ask her if she's seriously considering it. Talk about how you thought she didn't like porn and ask what's changed. There's probably a good opportunity in there to make your sex life better.

Also, women can be really fucking weird about what they share with friends. I dated a woman who got upset at dirty jokes, but would talk about really detailed shit we did to her friends. I would never share anything like that and always keep sex talk with friends at a distance (jokes) unless I needed serious advice. I think sometimes we have surprisingly different standards.

  • [-]
  • jesseholmz
  • 1 Points
  • 16:08:58, 20 December

get rid of that stupid whore

  • [-]
  • Neenaallo
  • 1 Points
  • 16:40:28, 20 December

but.. but.. but.. it's James Deen..

  • [-]
  • Evileddie13
  • 1 Points
  • 16:45:11, 20 December

Tell her you and some friends at signed up for a Las Vegas sex vacation!!! Tell her that you had to fill out a lengthy sex questionare and then pick the girls you want to sleep with.

  • [-]
  • likelyolder
  • 1 Points
  • 16:46:48, 20 December

Yikes. Bye.

  • [-]
  • lessthanthreechrissy
  • 2 Points
  • 14:36:58, 20 December

Someone's long-term girlfriend here (going on 5 years), and I have been in a James Deen situation as well with my boyfriend so here is my perspective:

It's all fantasy. James Deen is basically a porn god to women everywhere, your girlfriend thinks that it's safe to assume she can fantasize and talk with friends about an unattainable man. Instead of flirting with men and going out to broaden her sexual experience, she is safely fantasizing about a porn star like she can assume you do too.

But please talk with her about expanding what you guys do in the bedroom, experiment and such, talk about your feelings. I thought it was hilarious that my boyfriend was jealous of a porn star UNTIL he explained how he felt. I still talk about him with friends, I can still fantasize, but I make sure that my boyfriend knows that it is all fantasy and that he is my reality.

Communicate!

  • [-]
  • type40tardis
  • 19 Points
  • 15:25:07, 20 December

>I can still fantasize, but I make sure that my boyfriend knows that it is all fantasy and that he is my reality.

Ouch.

  • [-]
  • dgmaster
  • 7 Points
  • 15:55:47, 20 December

Yeah that phrasing sounds like this is what life gave you and you didn't get James Deen or someone similar so you're settling. I'm almost sure you don't think about it like this, OP, just be careful with that.

  • [-]
  • txroller
  • 5 Points
  • 15:54:01, 20 December

lol... I'm not sure her POV is helping OP

  • [-]
  • noisydesktop
  • 4 Points
  • 15:51:33, 20 December

true enough. almost all men watch porn and have various fantasies that don't directly relate to their girlfriends/wives. and in most cases these fantasies don't really mean anything serious ... there does seem to be somewhat of a double standard there. I guess it's because men are expected to watch porn and women aren't?

I do think it's ideal for people in a relationship do their best to be their partners fantasies - at least in action, if not possible looks wise.

  • [-]
  • albinosquirel
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:31, 20 December

ok but what are the odds she'll actually be selected??

  • [-]
  • noisydesktop
  • 3 Points
  • 15:52:49, 20 December

the question is: what would she do if she were selected?

  • [-]
  • monkeyman057
  • 4 Points
  • 14:24:56, 20 December

Yeah, but what are the odds that you win the lottery? And yet people still buy tickets because they hope to win.

  • [-]
  • txroller
  • 1 Points
  • 14:42:26, 20 December

sorry I am not normally a knee jerk commenter, but I would be so gone if I found out my SO said or wrote those words to someone while I was in a relationship with them. I would never NEVER be able to trust this person again. sorry :(

  • [-]
  • Ferg1983
  • 4 Points
  • 14:43:47, 20 December

I personally would dump my gf if she did this. I would feel pretty weirded out and betrayed. You should straight up ask her what she would do if she won. Sounds like a big red flag to me. Also sounds like its bothering you a bunch. Go with your gut and do what is right for you.

  • [-]
  • Plob218
  • 1 Points
  • 16:36:18, 20 December

Does anyone else think the GF is just going along with the dirty girl talk to fit in? "Imagine a monster like that pounding at you, yum" sounds almost like something Steve Carrell's character in The 40-year-old Virgin would say. It's really not that explicit or detailed at all. I'm not a locker room talk kind of guy, but I've heard and said similar things about celebrity women to feel like part of the group, because it's easier than singling yourself out as the prude. She's probably just trying to deal with an uncomfortable situation at work, and you snooping on her and accusing her of hiding things from you won't help. Err on the side of trusting her. Bring up the subject of the contest again, tell her how you feel about it, see how she actually feels about it, and go from there.

  • [-]
  • Nickiskindacool
  • 1 Points
  • 16:45:09, 20 December

I don't agree with a lot of the comments I'm seeing in here, so here's my input.

For real Wtf. That's not cool. Even if it's a joke, it's not fucking funny. Especially in a long term relationship. Unless yall are a couple that is cool with sharing(which I highly doubt) that's shit isn't funny to joke about, let alone enter a contest, fill out a long application and send pictures(which hopefully weren't full nudes) for a chance to get to fuck James Deen. I would wanna see that application to see what she wrote, but that's just me.

That's way past a joke and is so uncool on so many levels, regardless of if it's a joke or not. How would she feel if you sent pictures to any female porn star of your choice to possibly get to ravage her? Not very good I bet. And then to talk about how she would want to be fucked by that "massive dick" no fuck that. That's not something you say that's not about someone you love.

I can imagine the pain it's causing you op. I know I would be heart broken and pissed off if my girlfriend were to enter that competition, regardless of if everyone else at the office did it or not. She just completely didn't give a shit about you and then it sounds like she tried to hide it. Yall need a long talk. That's more than fucked up

  • [-]
  • crazy_people
  • 1 Points
  • 14:46:50, 20 December

I don't think her conversation was inappropriate in the least bit.

  • [-]
  • PunchYouInTheVagina
  • 3 Points
  • 14:36:53, 20 December

Dude, you're wound way too tight. She either loves you and you trust that, or she doesn't.

She's going to want to fuck other people, and that James Deen is one of them shouldn't be a surprise to you.

If what makes you happy is that she doesn't fuck other people and she agrees to that, cool.

If what makes you happy is that she never ever wants to fuck other people and doesn't joke about fucking James Deen with her friends and co-workers, well, good luck with that. You'll probably end up feeling sick and paranoid.

  • [-]
  • renatochiqbn
  • 1 Points
  • 15:32:30, 20 December

Ok real talk. To sit there and pretend that you can deal with this kind of situation; or that you can laugh it off; is a joke. You have to be some what frontal with her. A girl fantasizing is completely different than and girl actively pursuing it. I'm not saying to scream and yell at her and do something stupid that you'll regret. Instead; have her sit down next to you and very clearly tell you need to talk and that you would like for her to listen to you until you've said what you needed to say; which will include: -What the situation is -How it makes you feel -And what you expect My guess is that you've generally been okay with a few things that she's done before that sometimes might piss off other couples; and that ok. But you need to draw the line and draw it soon. As this old man one told me " if you let it pass the first time; they will keep thinking its ok"

Now she's going to be mad and you're going to want to comfort her; but honestly; let her be mad for a bit. Its healthier than her just bottling it up and you trying to sympathize with her.

Lastly; the most important part; is to decide whether you can let it go or you decide to leave her because you can't get over it. I hope this helps and good luck my friend. (forgive me my keyboard lacks commas)

  • [-]
  • _0x45_
  • 1 Points
  • 16:20:28, 20 December

Right.

  • [-]
  • snwborder52
  • 1 Points
  • 16:21:47, 20 December

TALK TO HER.

Don't be confrontational. Be open and vulnerable with your feelings.

  • [-]
  • DrewBlood
  • 1 Points
  • 16:23:19, 20 December

For some reason I'm reminded of an ex that swore to me she never masturbated and acted offended if it was brought up, then acted like I was an idiot for believing her after we split. It seems like your girlfriend has a disconnect when it comes to talking to you about sex and porn. It may also be that her attitudes have changed about this stuff in the last 4 years.

As for "is this normal office banter" question? It pushes the envelope a bit but I've had office jobs where I wouldn't have been too shocked to find this going on. Maybe there's some open minded staffer that's rubbed off on the other ladies. I have a former (female) co-worker and friend that would send me porn on a regular basis.

I don't think you should confront her and I don't really think it's ok you broke into her account over this. I get it, but I don't think it's ok. She built up this false standard in your relationship for what's ok and what's not. Perhaps there are other issues in your relationship that aren't being reflected in this post or that you're not aware of. I do think you should maybe see if her attitudes about porn have changed but not in a way that a lover suspecting his s/o is cheating on him would needle around. Just talk to her about that part without all this other concern. I don't think the specific scenario of James Deen is anything to worry about.

Since she knows who James Deen is and seemed comfortable telling you, why don't you bring up watching some of his films together. It's ok to have a fantasy life. It's a little off that she would be applying to have sex with him but I bet there's a good chance it's just a fantasy and she wouldn't go through with it if she won. This could end up being a good thing for you guys to break down some barriers.

  • [-]
  • TheBlankVerseKit
  • 1 Points
  • 16:25:26, 20 December

Tell her how you feel.

  • [-]
  • wj2ak
  • 1 Points
  • 16:31:26, 20 December

I honestly think you should apologize for snooping on her Facebook behind her back. She's going to be defensive about that if you hang the James dean thing over her head.

As far as the James Dean thing goes, she and a bajillion other women are signing up for it, most of them for shits and giggles. That comment she made could have been sarcastic depending on the context.

The most important factor here is that you seem very threatened by her desiring another man. It's ok to feel that way I suppose, but if you still watch porn, she might feel the same way. I think you've been with this girl long enough to trust her, so trust that she loves you. If you can't do that, then the conversation you two need to have expands way beyond James Dean's cock.

  • [-]
  • Jeska_says
  • 1 Points
  • 16:47:31, 20 December

You guys are young and have only been with each other. People change their mind on a lot of things when they are young, including their stance on porn. I see a lot of people here saying that is not typical office talk. I guess it may not be "typical", but it's not unheard of. I am and always have been very sexually expressive, and tend to have many frank and open discussions with people, including coworkers, if I know them well enough to know it won't be uncomfortable. This application thing I would absolutely do as a joke (because, come on, James Deen. Unf.), but if I were in a committed, monogamous relationship, wouldn't persue it if I were picked. But, I would also be open and honest with my partner. Tell him or her it was s joke and encourage them to apply! I don't agree with your choice to invade her privacy, but that really is secondary to her lack of communication. Talk to her, let her know how you feel. If you guys were each other's first everything, she's probably developed new sexual desires and might not know how to express them to you.

  • [-]
  • BadDecisionDino
  • 1 Points
  • 16:49:23, 20 December

Okay, question. When you say she was exchanging pictures with the friend, did you mean pictures of her? Like "Tee Hee, this is the picture I sent in for the application?" Or pictures of just James Deen, like "Tee Hee isn't he such a hunk?"