Im in love with my SO but cant settle with the idea of never having other sex partners (self.sex)

sex

31 ups - 22 downs = 9 votes

Im a girl and super in love with my SO and he is wih me. We are perfect for each other and I wouldnt want to change anything. We've been together three years now. The sex is also amazing so Im not complaining. But he was my first and I wasnt his. I could easily see it happen that we stick together for the rest of our lives. But then I think, one sex partner in my whole life? A period of fucking around a bit seems something you have to have done in your life at least once. Breaking up is definately not an option because I would be heart broken, and I would also never cheat on him. But it's just a thought Im really bothered with. Should I tell him? I dont want to hurt him. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

36 comments submitted at 11:06:12 on May 7, 2014 by illegalsnack44

  • [-]
  • aleautumn
  • 26 Points
  • 11:13:07, 7 May

I think it has to be normal feeling like you have missed out having only one partner, but I think it's probably a case of the grass isn't always greener...

  • [-]
  • Red-Oni
  • 9 Points
  • 13:49:30, 7 May

I am in the exact same boat as you, apart from the fact I don't have that desire anymore.

I've been with my partner coming up a year now, we live together, I lost my virginity to him. I had the thoughts you have, I wondered if I was missing out. I wondered if my life would be lacking without experiencing what other men or woman could potentially give me. I had a few days were I simply thought about that issue non-stop until I came to my own, personal, realization.

I would miss him more than I would miss sex. There was no way he'd be ok with me having sex with others, there would be no way I'd be comfortable having sex with others while still in a relationship. When I think about the love between us and how much I would hate myself if I ruined that, for something like sex, I can't stand it. Im not the type that ties sex in with love, I believe the two can be but I think people can just have sex too. But when I think about the fact that he is the only one to know me that way, it makes me happy. It makes him happy. It's something we share together that I know a lot of others don't. He's the only person to know what I feel like when we have sex.

I also knew it would be unfair to him, even though he has had a sexual partner before me. I would be treating him as the "fall back" guy. Once I've had my 'fun' I would expect to turn back up, and have him welcome me with open arms and an open heart, to love me as he previously did. There is no way that could of happened in our relationship. It would of been disrespectful to me to think he'd simply be there for me when I got back, when I had never taken his feelings or thoughts into consideration to my exploits.

Though, these are just my personal feelings. I wouldn't let curiosity kill my relationship.

I think you're overreaching with the "A period of fucking around a bit seems something you have to have done in your life at least once." bit. There are a lot of people that don't fuck around, that keep sex to monogamous relationships. In fact it's probably the norm. While there is no problem to fuck around as much as you please, I think you might put too much stock in that fantasy.

It comes down to this, really:

A) Do you really want to do this? More than just a fantasy or an idea. Do you really want to fuck other people out of plane curiosity??

B) Do you think he'd be open to that idea? You know him more than any of us do. There would of been hints to whether or not he'd be ok with you sleeping with others in a non-break up situation.

c) If you decide to go ahead with this plan to have sex with other people, there is a very strong chance you lose the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Though, on the other hand, if you are a very sexual person who feels sexual freedom is the most important part to a relationship, this could end badly down the track with infidelity on your half.

All in all, I urge you to take time. Think of what you want, your relationship, or your curiosity sated?

  • [-]
  • tetrahydrocanada
  • 6 Points
  • 13:39:13, 7 May

Do what makes you the most happy and have no regrets. It sounds to me like being with your SO would make you far happier than a few random flings or hookups so commit to him and appreciate the amazing relationship you have that plenty of single people would be envious of.

  • [-]
  • lurklurk3
  • 5 Points
  • 13:46:56, 7 May

How old are you guys? Talking to him about this would probably be a good conversation to have so at least he knows it's on your mind.

  • [-]
  • MalevolentDragon
  • 7 Points
  • 13:23:08, 7 May

Might I suggest /r/Swingers, /r/Polyamory, /r/NonMonogamy

  • [-]
  • Weszav
  • 10 Points
  • 11:33:52, 7 May

Happily married for 14 years. 32m 33f. Who says you can't play with others if your in a loving relationship. My wife and I play with another close couple we know regularly. Being happy and together doesn't mean u can't get variety as long as you and him communicate and have a rock solid foundation you can always bring in the idea of playing outside the 2 of you. And if he is completely opposed then u deal with if you can live with 1 partner for the rest of your life happily.

  • [-]
  • Hamdi200007
  • 4 Points
  • 13:40:15, 7 May

If everything is going well dont bring it up and sabotage yourself, dont ruin what sounds like a perfect relationship.

  • [-]
  • EatCakeAndHaveIt
  • 1 Points
  • 14:59:47, 7 May

I do think about that I just proposed to my gf, but the thing is, I feel with time sex becomes sex-with-SO. The real thought of having sex with someone else makes me feel quite turned off

  • [-]
  • refusedzero
  • 1 Points
  • 15:12:46, 7 May

...how old are you guys??

  • [-]
  • jeremymeyers
  • 1 Points
  • 15:36:13, 7 May

IMHO relationships grow and change and twist and shift as communication grows.one of the most awesome things about being in a committed relationship is that you make the rules.you decide what your relationship looks like, not society, not expectations. If you want to be a hundred percent monogamous forever and you both are down, then that's great.If you want to go to orgies every weekend, great! The key is learning the communication skills to be able to say "I love you and I've been thinking about this thing...what do you think about adding this to / changing this about our relationship"

  • [-]
  • Boines
  • 1 Points
  • 16:07:52, 7 May

Have you two ever discussed an open relationship?

Im in love with my girlfriend but her being my first and only I want to explore. We've talked about open relationships and stuff before, but issues from both sides have prevented that, maybe its an option for you two though.

  • [-]
  • Skidmarkunited757
  • 1 Points
  • 16:24:10, 7 May

I'm a guy. My current gf was my first, but she was married before so I definitely wasn't hers. But I don't for a second wish I had slept with other people. She's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Why would I want to sleep with others?

  • [-]
  • sheriffbigbywolf
  • 1 Points
  • 16:41:12, 7 May

This is great evidence to not date chicks for LTRs, and definitely not to marry them, unless they are virgins. Hard to do, admittedly, but you heard it from the horse's mouth, fellas.

  • [-]
  • anewacct
  • -5 Points
  • 12:10:55, 7 May

My SO and I had similar issues. We decided to be non-monogamous and everything is going great.

I have no idea if your relationship is mature enough for it, or even mature enough to bring it up, but it's always an option.

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • 7 Points
  • 13:27:51, 7 May

Please, don't imply that monogamy is immature.

  • [-]
  • Demented3
  • 7 Points
  • 13:34:51, 7 May

I think he/she means that your relationship is mature enough to handle a multiple partner relationship.

I think we can all agree that a young budding relationship would probably not fair well with the idea.

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • 1 Points
  • 15:57:12, 7 May

Why? Many relstionships start off as non-monogamous. Non-monogamous people often put that right up front as a necessary component of a relationship.

  • [-]
  • Demented3
  • 1 Points
  • 16:38:47, 7 May

Well this obviously means a couple who has not been polygamous before.

  • [-]
  • EmptyAndFrantic
  • 1 Points
  • 16:33:15, 7 May

I'm not sure 3 years together really constitutes a "budding relationship".

  • [-]
  • m1j2p3
  • 2 Points
  • 13:33:07, 7 May

>Please, don't imply that monogamy is immature.

I don't see any implication that monogamy is immature in /u/anewaccts post.

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • -2 Points
  • 13:35:11, 7 May

> I have no idea if your relationship is mature enough for it

This, to me, sounds like the barrier is maturity.

  • [-]
  • dmwit
  • 2 Points
  • 13:50:42, 7 May

That's the way it sounds to me, too. I still don't see any implication than monogamy is immature.

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • 1 Points
  • 14:59:23, 7 May

The implication is that: if only you and your relationship were mature enough, you could be non-monogamous. But there are lots of reasons to chose different types of relationships. There isn't one scale.

  • [-]
  • jeremymeyers
  • 1 Points
  • 15:32:52, 7 May

It sounds like he maybe meant the length of the relationship rather than the "maturity"of the people involved

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • 1 Points
  • 15:55:58, 7 May

Perhaps, though that's also silly. Relationships can easily start as non-monogamous. And very long running relationships can be totally monogamous.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -4 Points
  • 13:37:54, 7 May

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • WallyMetropolis
  • 1 Points
  • 13:43:15, 7 May

This really isn't the sub for insults and trying to get in a good burn. So try to refrain from that.

If you thought I was being impolite, that's my fault. I'm not sure how I could have worded it better.

  • [-]
  • anewacct
  • -4 Points
  • 14:05:08, 7 May

I'm pretty sure that your unnecessary comment was the problem, not my response to it.

Possessiveness is immature, but that has nothing to do with the relationship maturity (ability to calmly discuss contentious topics, for instance) that I was referring to.

  • [-]
  • airlocker5
  • 1 Points
  • 11:16:05, 7 May

I am in the exact same situation (m) with my SO! The only problem is that I dont even have one sex partner right now -_- As she wants to wait and breaking up is totally not an option...very conflicting...I guess that I am just going to see how the next couple of years play out

  • [-]
  • dexterpoopybaby
  • 3 Points
  • 12:50:02, 7 May

How is breaking up not an option? Breaking up is always an option.

  • [-]
  • Veeks
  • 5 Points
  • 13:07:15, 7 May

Presumably he means not an option for him and his partner right now because he loves her and wants to be with her despite this issue.

  • [-]
  • airlocker5
  • 2 Points
  • 13:50:00, 7 May

Yep she makes me happy.

  • [-]
  • illegalsnack44
  • 2 Points
  • 12:34:35, 7 May

Yeah thats my plan too. You can never be certain anyway if you are going to be together for the rest of your lives. Its not like we're married yet.

  • [-]
  • magic8square
  • -4 Points
  • 13:21:32, 7 May

You to either get permission from your SO to fool around with others .

Or cheat.

Or be frustrated.

Or break up.

Those are your options. #1 is the win. #2 is wrong. #3 is a bad choice. #4 is the most likely outcome (after doing #2)

  • [-]
  • harphield
  • 15 Points
  • 13:46:59, 7 May

How about Option 5: Be happy with your partner?

  • [-]
  • NY_guy
  • 2 Points
  • 13:38:01, 7 May

+1

It's only normal to wonder what it would be like to be with other guys and to be concerned about having "missed out." It's also okay for a woman to want to have a period of her life in which she can play the field a little bit. But having said that, our fantasies are rarely matched by the reality of our actions. If you and your boyfriend really love each other and it's already a long-term relationship and you want to be with him forever, I suspect that you would feel awful if you actually went through with sleeping with another guy. Say what we want about equality of opportunity, women are just wired differently than men. The idea of being with another guy might be exciting. But I'm not sure you could actually go through with it if the moment presented itself without your boyfriend's "permission." You can try it, and maybe you will feel so horribly afterwards that you decide to be the best girlfriend/wife you can be to your partner. But I will tell you this – we men have sensitive egos. I'm normally all for 100% honesty, but it might cause real problems in the relationship if you tell him that part of you is concerned about never experiencing someone else for the rest of your life. We have a hard time thinking about some other guy pounding away at the girl we really love :-)

Magic8square presents your options pretty clearly here. Look at them and choose one of the 4.

You are walking a slippery slope. Be very careful here or you will lose the man you love.