How to attract the 'right' kind of man? (self.TwoXChromosomes)

TwoXChromosomes

45 ups - 37 downs = 8 votes

I'm 23, and literally all of my encounters/relationships with men have ended with me getting dicked over. I've never had a legitimate relationship. It's all been dating for a few months and hooking up. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? Am I not sensitive enough, am I not feminine enough, etc... why haven't I found a boyfriend yet?My sister says it's because of the guys I go for (apparently players and d-bags)

A little background: I am somewhat picky on who I date. If I am not physically attracted to someone, I don't feel comfortable going on a date with them because that would be leading them on. My sister says that all hot guys are douchebags but I can't bring myself to be in a relationship with someone I'm not (physically) attracted to. I tried dating this guy who wasn't my typical type, but seemed like a genuine guy. He still ended up ditching me after we had sex (he was a frat boy but I didn't know it until afterwards). The guys I've been with seem to be emotionally unavailable. They just want to have sex, they don't want a relationship. Why do I go for this kind of guy?

I'm not ugly, I'm not socially awkward, I have two jobs and go to school full-time, I work out, hike, write, read, do yoga, have friends, travel, family-oriented... so it's not like I don't have a life. I'm happy with my life right now besides the fact that I'd like to know what a real relationship feels like, just so I can experience it.

Should I see a therapist? Is there something inherently wrong with me that I carry around subconsciously (ie. daddy issues or something)? Or how can I change who I attract/am attracted to?

edit: layout

45 comments submitted at 21:31:16 on Jun 2, 2014 by dericious10001

  • [-]
  • MaiPen
  • 41 Points
  • 22:12:36, 2 June

When I first met my boyfriend I was not attracted to him at all. However, we hung out together quite a bit (alone, and with friends) and spoke constantly when we weren't together (phone, text, IM etc). We clicked so well intellectually, eventually, the more I talked to him, the more I started to find myself becoming attracted to him. Little things started to catch my attention - how his mouth moved when he spoke, his expression when he was really focused on the task at hand, how good he was with his hands etc.

We've been together for 5yrs now, and he's the sexist guy I've ever met.

Maybe don't write a guy off immediately if there's no initial chemistry. Connecting on an emotional/mental/intellectual level can go a long way to creating sexual attraction.

  • [-]
  • BlackLeatherRain
  • 18 Points
  • 22:33:22, 2 June

It's possible that your standards are a little high, or possibly a little shallow. I say this because one of my friends is in her 30s, has had very little luck in relationships (but has three beautiful daughters to show from her past), and all of the guys that she tried to hang on to were players and douchebags. These were guys that would flash name brand clothes, drive luxury or high-sport vehicles and make her feel like a hot 20 year old instead of a 34 year old mom. But of those guys (there were four of them), all of them had "psycho exes," all but one cheated on her early in the relationship, and none of them lasted longer than three months. The one guy that I saw her date that had a stable job, a kid of his own, would cook dinners for her and treated her kindly - well, at first she had to be cajoled (by us - I admit it) into giving him a chance because he was "too boring," and then about four weeks into the relationship, she dumped him because he wouldn't call her his girlfriend yet.

It was weird.

So here's the thing. Part of this could be because you're young and beautiful and you also want young and beautiful people to hang out with, so you have these surface requirements that are cutting valuable candidates out of your dating pool. Where are you meeting these guys? That will help identify things a little further. You seem to have a lot of interests - I would recommend seeing if there are any attractive guys within your hobbies. Shared hobbies (that don't involve clubbing or partying) may go a long way to developing some depth into your relationships.

The other idea is to consider looking for people online. It's trite, I know, but getting to know people online, intellectually, before you speak on the phone and before you meet in person can be very helpful here. Finally, yes, it's possible that you need a therapist... but I'm not sure that you've said enough here to define that.

  • [-]
  • dunre646
  • 13 Points
  • 22:44:21, 2 June

maybe you should spend some time alone and sort out what you want in a relationship.

  • [-]
  • luthage
  • 8 Points
  • 22:28:22, 2 June

Have you tried raising your standards on how you are treated before getting sexually involved with someone? It sounds like you are wasting a lot of months of effort on people who never wanted what you want out of a relationship from day 1. Have you tried having a "what are you looking for" conversation early? The only people you scare away with that are ones not looking for a relationship, which just self-selects out of your dating pool.

Are you going out on actual dates and are you both trying to get to know each other as people, or are you just hanging out and hooking up? Finding out if someone is emotionally unavailable doesn't take all that long based on their behaviour. I understand the social pressure of being "low maintenance," but the definition leans a lot more towards casual sex than a relationship.

It's possible that you have too high of standards when it comes to conventional attractiveness, but ugly people can be jerks also.

  • [-]
  • dericious10001
  • 0 Points
  • 05:19:42, 3 June

That's the thing, I'm going out on dates, I've been on 5 different dates in the last two months. Three of the guys didn't set up a second date (I did initiate it) and the ones who did ended up being tools. Dated one for a month, had sex, then he disappeared. One of the three who didn't ask for a second date I didn't find super attractive, but I felt the date went well and we could have seen where a second would take us.

Edit: That's why I'm wondering what's wrong with me (or my personality), I'm going on dates but the ones I have don't initiate anything past the first date. Do I just keep dating?

  • [-]
  • luthage
  • 2 Points
  • 15:04:54, 3 June

That's what dating is. Most of them will go no where. All it means is those 5 people weren't interested. The point of dating is finding someone that you are interested in and is interested in you, in hopefully equal measures.

If a guy wants to date someone who is more ___ and you are not _____ , that doesn't mean you are broken. It means you two are not compatible. Changing yourself to be more ____ is unlikely going to help. That doesn't mean not to improve yourself in general as a person, it means fitting into a defined box of attributes for 1 person or guys in general is a really bad idea.

You're behaviour could be off putting in some way, but that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Are you more focused on whether they like you or if you like them? Are you having fun or is it more like a job interview? Do you even like these guys as people? Are you cold to them? Stiff? Uncomfortable? Are you genuinely interested in what they say, or just waiting to respond? Are you building an emotional connection with a person or are you going through the motions to see if they will be your boyfriend? There's a lot of things that could be happening that only you will be able to answer. It will just take time and experience to figure out. If you want to be a bit more proactive, try journaling dates/interactions to find common themes.

  • [-]
  • dericious10001
  • 1 Points
  • 16:00:09, 3 June

From the dates I've been on with guys from online, I feel like I'm the one being interviewed. But yeah I think I will, writing always helps :)

  • [-]
  • cathline
  • 5 Points
  • 00:39:30, 3 June

(((hugs)))

You are young and you are learning.

It sounds like you are going primarily on looks. A higher percentage of goodlooking guys are jerks because, well, they can be. They know that another girl will come along and give them what they want. They know that girls will tolerate being treated poorly because they are good looking and the girl thinks they can't do any better.

Take your time getting to know someone. When I was single, there were guys that I dated for over 1 year without ever being physically intimate with them, or dating them exclusively. They knew it - I never hid that from them. And they knew that I wanted a serious relationship before becoming physically intimate with someone (you may not want this - I'm just giving my example).

You have to figure out what you are looking for. Chiseled jaw line and 6 pack abs - well, that doesn't pay the bills, get to work on time, buy you flowers just because or rock the baby at night. Sure, it's what you want now, but there is more to life. There are shared interests/values/goals in life. There are certain behaviors that you require in a relationship. There are tons of other things to look for in a relationship and you are just learning about them.

You have to figure out what a relationship means to YOU. Does it mean a date every friday night? Or does it mean seeing each other 4 times per week? Does it mean occasional calls and skype sessions and only seeing each other twice annually? OR what?

Then, you find someone whose vision of a relationship is the same as your vision. Then you find out if you two are compatible. You may really be into him, but he's meh on you - or vice versa. Remember, not only women will choose based solely on looks, and you may or may not be Scarlett Johansen material. (or what if he prefers Lupita Nyongo?)

A therapist can help you figure out the lessons you need to learn from each relationship - because each interaction you have is an opportunity to learn. Each one of these guys came into your life to teach you something. IF you haven't learned what that something is yet - you keep repeating it until you figure it out. That's where the counselor can help.

Having high standards is a good thing - but that means very different things to different people. FOr some people, it's about intelligence, for some, it's about drive, for some, it's about creativity, for some, it's about the video games they play, for some it's about the car they drive, for you, it sounds like it's about the way they look.

Source - 50 yr happily married woman - who is in the relationship of my dreams with the man of my dreams.

  • [-]
  • totesmadoge
  • 9 Points
  • 22:26:14, 2 June

That all attractive guys are d-bags or are already taken is a pretty gross generalization.

Relationships need more than just sexual attraction to work. Good relationships are built on a foundation of shared interests, life goals, good communication, love, and yes attraction. If you're focusing all your attention on finding only one of those things (attraction), the others will suffer and the relationship will flounder. Attraction isn't always instantaneous, either. Some of the best relationships I've had are with guys I wasn't instantly attracted to when we first met. Getting to know how funny, kind, and generous he is makes him suddenly more attractive (to me anyway), both physically and emotionally. It's deeper and more intense than just thinking "he's hot."

So what I'm saying is don't be so quick to dismiss a guy just because you don't find yourself physically attracted right away.

  • [-]
  • canteloupy
  • 3 Points
  • 22:43:04, 2 June

I've always dated people I was friends with first. It helps that you first get to know the person without any sexual interest at first. But yeah, that might not be possible for everyone.

  • [-]
  • throwawayinsecuritie
  • 3 Points
  • 00:07:30, 3 June

Thank you for posting this. I am a male and have been losing faith in the 'right' kind of female. You have given me hope that there are actual women out there looking for 'relationships', you know, for emotion for trust, love, family, caring, and being the there for your partner not just as a fuckbuddy... Good luck, you will find him soon enough. I guarantee it. As you overcame the first step, understanding.

  • [-]
  • MissingResident
  • 4 Points
  • 01:02:34, 3 June

Go to wherever you meet guys and ask out a guy who seems like he wouldn't ask anyone out.

  • [-]
  • kings1234
  • 1 Points
  • 05:35:21, 3 June

Great advice. As a guy, I really hope the perfect girl asks me out!

  • [-]
  • spottedminx
  • 3 Points
  • 22:22:30, 2 June

I don't think you need to seek therapy -- everyone, man and woman, would have a therapist if all it took to need one was bad dating experiences!

If you typically go for d-bags and players, maybe try and think about what it is specifically that draws you to that type. Is it confidence? Style of dress?

There are a lot of guys in the world and you've only dated a small percent of a percent of them. It gets better!

Where do you typically meet the men you date? This could have a huge impact on what they are looking for and the "type of guy" they are.

  • [-]
  • wellitellyouhwat
  • 2 Points
  • 00:36:14, 3 June

It's because you're still young and immaturity will be rampant within your age group (guys and girls). Instead focus on being the girl you've always wanted to be. You can't change who you're attracted to over night, instead it evolves as you get older and wiser. You sound burned out from dating, instead you should take a break and clear your mind. Gain some perspective and spend more time on your passions. That will turn you from a fling to a keeper.

Source: Former attractive douchebag guy (where is the powertools subreddit?)

  • [-]
  • beehappier
  • 2 Points
  • 02:19:17, 3 June

Learn to look at the heart. Most of those churls are trying to take advantage of people or trying to find a way of taking advantage of people.

  • [-]
  • aiRsparK232
  • 0 Points
  • 00:21:40, 3 June

If you're looking for a long term relationship it has to go beyond physical attraction. From you're post it seems like that is the starting point for you and that may be your problem. Finding a man with similar interests, level of ambition, or even one with a personality very different from yours could help with finding someone you want to experience a real relationship with.

Physical attraction is important but it shouldn't be the main factor when considering a guy for relationship material. Find someone you like for who they are and what you could learn from them. It will make both of you better people for the effort.

  • [-]
  • GretaMetzger
  • 0 Points
  • 02:48:16, 3 June

Stop looking for guys. Stop trying to hook up. Tell yourself you're not going to date anyone for 6 months. Instead focus on cultivating your own interests and hobbies. You will eventually meet someone when you least expect it and you will forge a real connection because you will have a shared interest.

  • [-]
  • casshernsin89
  • 0 Points
  • 03:17:10, 3 June

Well, I feel a bit late to the party, but here's my two cents.

Somedays, I feel alot of frustration about my love life (lack thereof), and it can become an oppressive force that weighs me down. Ive had every female friend I know tell me the same thing, Im a good looking man, Im attractive, Ive got a great personality. Yet, I havent dated since my last girlfriend. And sometimes, I ask myself why? What's wrong with me.

Then I remind myself, I have alot of criticisms about modern dating, alot of criticisms for the why people do it. Do I want a long term relationship? Yes, sometimes more than anything else I want at the moment. Im told, Im just not trying hard enough, Im not doing the right things. But Ive asked girls out, Ive checked out dating websites, Ive sent messages. Is my hostility towards relationships stopping me? Am I too oversensitive towards women? Am I too reserved and not confident in myself?

None of these are the right answers. Personally, and I understand how you feel, I do, Ive found a few sources that remind me to go for the right relationship, and Ive determined not to settle for less. Check out Its Walky (http://www.itswalky.com/d/19991225.html), a lovely web-comic that made a huge impression to me about relationship, it is worth the read and can be quite a mind-blower. It was for me. And if you ever want to talk relationship woes, or if Ive made a good impression to merit your attention, send me a message, Id love to talk to you about it.

Best luck, keep trying, and dont give up.

  • [-]
  • Not_batman_i_swear
  • 1 Points
  • 10:34:13, 3 June

It sounds like you are a sucker of beauty, that's okay a lot of us are, but you have to look beyond that if you want to find a quality partner.

It's te same for woman and men, it's okay to need to be attracted to you partner but don't make it the only thing.

  • [-]
  • bluntbangs
  • 1 Points
  • 11:19:06, 3 June

I had a similar run... mine managed to start quite well at 18 but then after 9 months he turned out to be quite a selfish dick, and then culminated a few years later (when I was 26) with a violent and abusive idiot who I eventually left.

What changed for me was the first time after said abusive idiot and I did some internet dating. I met a really hot guy. He was smart, sexy, bedroom times were fun, he was funny yadda yadda. One day I got the feeling that it wasn't going to go anywhere and he wasn't that interested and I asked him. He wasn't particularly clear with the answer and it just clicked for me: dating isn't about my worth as a person, my value as a partner - it's about how happy I am with the relationship being constructed. I walked out there and then.

A month or so later I was minding my own business and getting on with life and a fairly regular type of guy asked me out. After our first date I wasn't attracted physically but something made me reluctant to stop seeing him.

Turns out that we both want the kind of relationship where we can bring up issues easily, talk about everything and build something really good together, and we're still doing that today. I can honestly say it's the first "healthy" relationship I've had in a long time. He's also the best looking guy in the world :)

  • [-]
  • gleepwurp
  • -1 Points
  • 23:40:45, 2 June

My observation is that women under the age of about 25, particularly if they are attractive, have absolutely horrific taste in men. Find me a beautiful woman, and I will show you someone who has dated a complete and total douche bag sometime between high school and mid twenties. That is the gods honest truth. They want them confident - but normal men are shy around women - confidence in the face of beauty is a trait of a psychopath. They want them beautiful, but going to the gym 6 times a week is a trait of narcissistic men. They meet them in bars, but picking up women in bars is a trait of shallow men. They like them fun, but some guy drinking like a fish and smoking dope is not exactly a long term keeper - he is a loser.

You need to work against this - most shy men are not dull - they just cannot come out of their shell in one date - fight this by getting to know them, then dating them. It is not that your standards have to come down, it is that you have to use sensible criteria for choosing men. Choose men with good jobs - a good job indicates intelligence and loyalty. Choose men who don't drink to excess - that is a sign of emotional stability. Choose men who are a little nervous when they first meet you - that is a sign they respect you. No one is afraid of an object. People are intimidating. To do this, you may have to sidle up to some guy in your class, you may have to eat lunch with him a few times before you go anywhere. You may have to meet him somewhere casually but deliberately, like at a friend's house where you were invited to a party. Stop bias'ing the selection pool in favor of narcissistic, substance abusing empathy free losers who will spend their thirties with their cats and their Internet porn.

  • [-]
  • joutie
  • 0 Points
  • 22:25:26, 2 June

Just because a guy is goodlooking doesn't mean he can't be good and nice to you. I agree with the other commenters that a guy like that most likely has a girlfriend though. I do believe relationships are more luck than anything else.

I don't think you should lower your standards if you don't want to, but you need to realise finding a good guy - someone you're both attracted to as much as he is with you - will not be easy. No one owes anyone anything for having a good body, a good family relationship, etc. And that's okay. I'm not the prettiest, skinniest, best girl out there but I'm decent. My relationship with my family is great. I have really rigid standards yet my first time falling head over heels, I fell for the greatest guy who not only is physically attractive, but a decent guy all around. So it is possible, you just have to be patient.

  • [-]
  • sensitivebetamale
  • 0 Points
  • 00:10:11, 3 June

You probably have bad luck. Honestly. Attributing every failed relationship to something YOU did is unfair to yourself and assigns entirely too much of the responsibility onto yourself. And to be totally honest, I'm almost 27 and I don't think I've met any guys yet who were interested in much else other than sex.

It's not you, and even if it's a little bit you, that's nothing you should feel bad about.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -5 Points
  • 21:42:23, 2 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • foreignergrl
  • 5 Points
  • 22:34:15, 2 June

> ...guys act like total pricks because no one will have sex with them when they're being nice.

Oh bullshit. There's a big difference in being confident and being a douche.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 0 Points
  • 23:41:02, 2 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • foreignergrl
  • 4 Points
  • 23:47:23, 2 June

I heard this before, that girls love assholes.

Who was it from again? Oh, that's right. Elliot Rodgers

  • [-]
  • Col_Volkov
  • -1 Points
  • 01:16:11, 3 June

There is, but one is frequently confused for the other by inexperienced girls. Like the OP.

  • [-]
  • sophalope
  • 2 Points
  • 22:09:54, 2 June

ew ew ew. what blatant disregard for women. no one has sex with guys who are nice?

  • [-]
  • iatemysocks
  • 1 Points
  • 22:16:49, 2 June

I only have sex with nice people! I somehow doubt I am in the VAST minority of women in that regard. Douchebags shut my vagina right down. This stereotype is weird.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -2 Points
  • 22:31:36, 2 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • foreignergrl
  • 5 Points
  • 23:03:27, 2 June

> if you walk up to a girl, ask her if you can buy her a drink, and genuinely want to get to know her, you will not get laid that night

If you walk up to a girl wanting to buy her a drink expecting to get laid, you don't genuinely want to get to know her. You genuinely want to get laid.

  • [-]
  • AnotherAnonymousAcct
  • 0 Points
  • 23:35:59, 2 June

Here's the deal. You're describing dating essentially random guys. They meet some superficial standards (not meaning this derogatory at all, you only know qualities of them that are superficial), then you get to know them and they aren't the right material. Now, I'm a guy, so I only have similar experiences but from the opposite side of the table. Had a series of poor relationships, abusive relationships and reached a point where I just figured it wasn't going to happen and stopped looking or caring for one.

I've always had a pretty even mix of men and women as friends. When I wasn't bouncing between shitty relationships, I got to spend more time with friends and know them better. My first successful relationship (didn't work out, but really truly still good friends) was when a female friend asked me to go do something with her. I asked if x and y were going, to which she clarified just us.

When I was constantly dating, I was constantly unavailable and those interested in dating me assumed they weren't my type because of who I dated. My best relationships have grown from friendships, with shared interests, knowing the person and dating to see if the spark is there. Sometimes I'd ask them out, sometimes they'd ask me out. Not all of them ended well (for the better, after learning about the real them, I wouldn't want to be friends).

Tldr: you're looking for love in all the wrong places.

  • [-]
  • legrac
  • -3 Points
  • 22:00:48, 2 June

Like /u/TheArbitrator said though--if a guy is attractive, and nice, and looking to be in a relationship, then they probably already are in a relationship. I mean--why wouldn't they be?

So you've got an uphill battle to begin with.

This probably isn't what you want to hear--but thems the facts.

I don't think anyone here can tell you why you go for people of a certain personality--a therapist might help you there.

I can guess that you're going for people that are attractive--but if we think about what we were just said--that probably means you are getting guys that they either aren't looking for a relationship (ie, casual sex only), or that they're not nice (ie, d-bags).

Personally--I think you ought to lower your standards somewhat. And I always hear girls talk about how they can change a guy--it's a lot easier to change someone's workout routine than it is to turn them into a nice guy.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -3 Points
  • 23:09:03, 2 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • teenydeeny
  • 1 Points
  • 23:32:42, 2 June

Somehow this is not very comforting.

  • [-]
  • kaisengaard
  • 2 Points
  • 00:52:40, 3 June

That's because it was total BS

  • [-]
  • teenydeeny
  • 2 Points
  • 02:07:03, 3 June

My BS detector never fails me!