28 and Suddenly Panicking (self.TwoXChromosomes)

{TwoXChromosomes}

44 ups - 0 downs = 44 votes

I turn 29 later this year and up until now, I've never felt pressure to marry or have kids. I've been comfortable with my dating life and have always dated the exact amount I've wanted to, with several short-term and one longer-term relationship since college.

I started dating a guy a couple of months ago but it ended recently and I feel like I've been in a tailspin ever since. I can't shake this terrible feeling that I need to find someone very soon, even though I realistically know that I have a good 8-12 years before having a child becomes a real issue.

I honestly wasn't even sure if I wanted kids or a marriage. I thought, if it happens, it happens. Maybe its because I really liked the guy I was recently seeing and I had hopes for a more long-term relationship (not at all thinking about marriage and kids that early on, but at least the two of us growing into a relationship and seeing where things led us). He broke up with me and I am still feeling sad about it. That feeling of rejection and "what's wrong with me" haven't gone away yet. Many of my friends are still single, but I'm starting to see some of the people around me get married and have kids and be very happy. I've never felt anxiety around this before and it really sucks. I spent an hour this morning googling "dating in your thirties" and looking up egg-freezing. It's ridiculous.

So far, I've led a pretty fulfilling life. I have a job I really enjoy, I play sports and keep myself busy with hobbies and friends and travel. I've never felt that I was missing out until this breakup. And I'm starting to wonder if my approach to dating is too relaxed, or that I need to change myself somehow to be the kind of girl that guys fall for. I just want to know that there's still time. That people find love and happiness and build families in their 30s and 40s and beyond.

96 comments submitted at 11:37:08 on Jun 23, 2014 by isbutteracarb

  • [-]
  • strubes
  • 31 Points
  • 12:20:14, 23 June

Hey, I've totally been there, and I empathize with what you're feeling.

The first thing to keep in mind is not to judge your milestones by other people's milestones. Everyone is different. Every path is different. That doesn't make anyone's path wrong.

30 is not old. For whatever reason, when women enter our 30's it's like this ticking time bomb has been lit. You have plenty of time to accomplish all the things you want to accomplish. You shouldn't feel the need to change for anyone else but yourself.

Take some time to get over this breakup. Allow yourself the time to grieve for what ended, and then focus on the future possibilities. Enjoy life now, because you never know what could happen in the future.

As someone still dealing with this feeling at times, these are the things I remind myself of when I'm feeling panicked like you described. I hope this helps at least a little bit.

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 2 Points
  • 13:25:13, 23 June

Yes, thank you, it does. :-)

  • [-]
  • RobotPartsCorp
  • 3 Points
  • 19:05:17, 23 June

Average age for first child has risen to nearly 30 years old. That is AVERAGE for first child. You should be fine.

link

  • [-]
  • poopsmithjones
  • -1 Points
  • 13:49:32, 23 June

I agree with the whole 30 isn't old.

Biologically speaking and from a conception standpoint, it's getting to the stage where you need to start making some serious plans. When you hit 35, the likelihood of getting pregnant is about 50%.

  • [-]
  • ababyotter
  • 14 Points
  • 18:26:40, 23 June

How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby

The whole 'Once you hit 35 the majority of your eggs shrivel and turn to dust' thing came from a study of French birth records from 1670 to 1830. 82% of women age 35 to 39 will get pregnant in a year compared with 86% of 27 to 34 year olds. Yes there is a decline in your fertility as you get older, but it's not nearly as dramatic as we've been led to believe.

  • [-]
  • Maventiii
  • 1 Points
  • 22:33:39, 23 June

"a ticking time bomb that has been lit" is my new favorite mixed-metaphor.

  • [-]
  • strubes
  • 1 Points
  • 22:40:53, 23 June

Yeah, I realized that after I submitted but was like, "Meh, leavin' it!"

  • [-]
  • SystemVirus
  • -7 Points
  • 14:24:47, 23 June

Not to put a damper on things, but the risk of birth defects increases considerably at 30 and increases from there.

So if you think you'll have kids, it's not out of the ordinary to worry about age, especially when you hit the 30 mark. Some women put their eggs on ice to decrease the chances of genetic degradation that comes with time ...

(As an fyi, advanced paternal age can also affect birth defects).

  • [-]
  • addtothebeauty
  • 13 Points
  • 15:23:37, 23 June

Sorry but that Wikipedia article misses the mark, and like the poster below, you're misreading it or have a different definition of "considerably". As someone who's gone through fertility testing (at a very young age by the way; there are no guarantees that fertility is promised to the very young), I can vouch that it's much more complex than reading a graph.

OP, I think your feelings are more tied to the break up than the fear of the future. In a couple weeks, I bet you'll shake this feeling and be back to enjoying your life.

  • [-]
  • pasabagi
  • 11 Points
  • 15:14:22, 23 June

...Don't get how you're reading that from that graph - which clearly shows the risk of birth defects to be under half a percentile, up until the age of 35. After 35, the risk starts ramping up, hitting 1.5% at 40 years old (dun dun dun!).

  • [-]
  • grovulent
  • -1 Points
  • 17:37:33, 23 June

The difference is between 1/1440 at 20 and 1/960 at 30. That's ~30% increase in risk. Whatever way you look at it - that's a significant increase in risk.

Now maybe it's the case that 1/960 is not a high risk overall. Okay - but that still doesn't change the fact that the significant increase in risk has occurred.

Is it a high risk overall? I genuinely don't know. It's relative to what you get out of taking that risk (career etc) and how much you value that. Consider though... in 2012 there were 3,952,841 births in the US. That increase in risk is the difference between 2745 of those children suffering from birth defects and 4117. Those 1300 kids probably would prefer a life not being broken.

Whatever choice you make and risks you take with respect to this decision - please remember the choice/risk is not just your own.

  • [-]
  • pasabagi
  • 3 Points
  • 17:50:20, 23 June
  1. Birth defects don't necessarily result in a broken life. We don't all have to be aryan supermen to get a kick out of things.

  2. As I see it, choices about your life are absolutely your own. Potential future kids don't have moral claims on your behaviour until they actually exist.

  3. You know it's not a high risk. You're not an idiot. You can read the statistics just the same as I can. It's a very small risk. Comparing a 0.069% chance and a 0.1% chance and saying it's a 30% increase in risk is misleading scare tactics.

  • [-]
  • TrishyMay
  • 2 Points
  • 15:31:06, 23 June

To add to this: my mom gave birth for the first time to me at 38 then to my younger brother at almost 40. We have two older adopted brothers. Because of her age, and my dad's, my brother and I aren't even 20 yet and we have a parent deteriorating on disability and another turning 60 and struggling to care for her.

  • [-]
  • figureour
  • 3 Points
  • 17:25:20, 23 June

I'm sorry to hear about that. Were there signs early on that she might become disabled so early? My mother gave birth to me when she was 42 and is now in her mid-60's and doing fine.

  • [-]
  • TrishyMay
  • 0 Points
  • 19:13:23, 23 June

She has always been overweight. We were always poor. The two together meant that she didn't go to the doctor for 12 years and when she finally did she was almost dead. She has hypothyroidism, COPD, congestive heart failure and a who list of other issues.

  • [-]
  • The_Forest_Spirit
  • 0 Points
  • 18:22:31, 23 June

I have to agree with this as well. My parents had me at 29/30 and right now, at only 54... Their minds are starting to go. It's truly disheartening and worries me. I notice they can't take care of themselves as much as they used to, and it's affecting how they live their lives and it breaks my heart.

Granted, this is not the case for everyone; I do not know your family history. There are some things you cannot control but some you can do, like taking care of your health at an early age, exercising and watching what you eat to try and being pro-active about your health.

  • [-]
  • Unsmurfme
  • 8 Points
  • 16:22:23, 23 June

You've got time. Don't wait until your 40 (seriously, don't wait that long), but you can start changing what you're looking for now. Your wake up call means stop dating just to have fun and start looking for a life partner. If it takes 5 years so be it. If it takes 1, hurray!

But don't settle.

  • [-]
  • teenydeeny
  • 12 Points
  • 14:38:46, 23 June

Hey, my mom got married at 36! She had me at 37 and my sister when she was 40. We all turned fine! You are not alone in this! :)

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 1 Points
  • 19:37:33, 23 June

Thanks! That's good to hear!

  • [-]
  • amgov
  • 9 Points
  • 12:43:51, 23 June

Take a deep breath and have a laugh with this song by Garfunkel and Oates.

You are not that old. You absolutely have time to find a partner and start a family if that's what you want. But if it's a priority for you, you might want to start dating in a more methodical way. For example, you could think about signing up for an online dating site and investing some time regularly corresponding and going out on dates.

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 1 Points
  • 19:38:50, 23 June

Haha, that song is great! I have used online sites before, but I think you're right in that I should start dating more deliberately.

  • [-]
  • MerePuffery
  • 20 Points
  • 13:48:11, 23 June

Realize that a least part of what you are feeling is from the party line that women are "no good" once they are in their thirties. This is obviously complete bullshit.

You are doing just the right thing waiting until you are in the right place, with the right person to get married and have kids (if that is what you choose to do). Some women panic and marry a guy they aren't 100% sure about because they feel like they are getting "too old". You are not going to be that woman. I went through a period of watching friends get married in my mid to late twenties. They seemed happy, had kids, looked pretty idyllic. Just wait, the divorces will start rolling in. Life is a mixed bag for everyone, and there is no one correct path. Keep doing just what you are doing, and enjoy life. If someone comes along that you want to be partners with, that's awesome. If not, you still have your amazing life.

I am 43, never married, don't want kids. I am so very happy in my life and so fulfilled. I am seeing a new guy who really does it for me, but if we don't work I am not missing anything because my life is great. Frankly, I found my twenties to be just awful, my thirties were better (late thirties were much better), and my forties have been really fantastic. I have several friends my age who just got married for the first time. Don't buy the hype that happiness has an expiration date for women.

  • [-]
  • addtothebeauty
  • 14 Points
  • 15:25:11, 23 June

> Don't buy the hype that happiness has an expiration date for women.

I liked that so much I have to quote it.

  • [-]
  • MerePuffery
  • 3 Points
  • 16:21:50, 23 June

<3

  • [-]
  • addtothebeauty
  • 1 Points
  • 23:19:06, 23 June

Side note, I would love if there was a subreddit for women of every decade. (Are there?). There's one for 30 and over but I'm in my 30s and I'd love to pick the brains of women still older and wiser.

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 5 Points
  • 13:59:57, 23 June

Thank you for your post. Can I ask how you met the current guy you're dating? I'm always curious about how couples meet.

  • [-]
  • MerePuffery
  • 4 Points
  • 14:59:23, 23 June

Online.

  • [-]
  • wanderlust1624
  • 1 Points
  • 16:18:45, 23 June

I have a friend that she got married to a guy she met online! She is a very successful woman and she leads an active life but she didn't have time to go out and meet up people in the bar..anyways..long story short..online dating is efficient in my opinion!

  • [-]
  • MerePuffery
  • 1 Points
  • 16:21:30, 23 June

Exactly! Super efficient, especially once you are out of your twenties. Everyone I know in my age group dates online, and it so much easier to find someone you actually like than just hoping to run into someone compatible. I work with a lot of people in their twenties, so I don't have much of a pool at work which is often a good option as well.

  • [-]
  • qiba
  • 1 Points
  • 20:43:24, 23 June

This summer I'm going to two weddings where the couple met online! One on a dating site, the other on social media.

  • [-]
  • skysinsane
  • 1 Points
  • 17:02:11, 23 June

I agree that she should just be happy that she is enjoying her life, but she seems to want to have children at some point. While women don't "go bad", they certainly stop being fertile eventually. If she seriously wants to have children, she does have a very real time limit.

I personally never want kids, but that is just how I feel.

  • [-]
  • MerePuffery
  • 1 Points
  • 17:29:30, 23 June

Sure, but "eventually" is sometime in your early forties, and the incidence of birth defects (although higher than for a woman in her twenties) is still low. For example, the risk of Down's syndrome is under 1%, up until about 43.

I certainly agree that there is legit evidence that it is easier in your twenties and early thirties to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a birth defect free baby. However, there is also tons of evidence that many women can and do have problem free conception and delivery up to their forties.

It's all a balancing act, I just don't like the fact that women catch a lot of shit from society (men and women alike) about having kids in their twenties, when the potential risks that do increase are still very, very small.

And serious high five for child free.

  • [-]
  • skysinsane
  • 1 Points
  • 17:40:17, 23 June

I'm not saying that it is impossible, merely that if having children is important to you, starting before 35 is optimal. Start later and you have a much higher likelihood of being disappointed.

But yeah, kids are fun, but I prefer to borrow* other people's. All the fun, none of the responsibility

*(by borrow I mean hang out with the family for the day. I am not a kidnapper)

  • [-]
  • AptCasaNova
  • 6 Points
  • 12:30:13, 23 June

I find break-ups when you're around 30 are more... disappointing.

Personally, I'm at a point in my life where I really dislike dating and am wanting to settle down (not kids or marriage, just... a long-term thing). The prospect of having to date again is just really not appealing because you do have to now face all those expectations flying around about women 'of a certain age', even if they aren't true for you personally.

I'm 31 and very much understand how you feel. I hear about men not wanting to date women over 35 because they're all 'baby crazy', which is garbage. It's very frustrating.

  • [-]
  • hey_sjay
  • 4 Points
  • 17:35:54, 23 June

I turn 29 later this year too. No husband, no kids. My mom likes to point out that when she was my age she had been married almost a decade and had 2 kids. I cannot imagine having a kid in my life right now. I've never really seen myself having kids.

I'm in a long term relationship and my SO is turning 30 this year. There's been a bit of pressure from our families to do the whole settling down thing. But, we still haven't talked about it. I'm very happy where we are in our relationship and anything we do is going to be on our terms, not anyone else's.

I'm happy with my life. I've worked really hard to get where I am right now. I have a terminal degree and a good career. I don't feel like I need to rely on other people's ideas of a happy life to define mine.

I understand your panic. I felt the same thing when my last relationship ended. Just focus on you. Have fun, live your life, and don't worry about when the right person will come along. We're still young, right?

  • [-]
  • monkeylizard99
  • 4 Points
  • 16:51:37, 23 June

My brother was 30 and his wife 32 when they got married. They just met at a new year's eve party, hit it off, and got married 18 months later. Now they have 2 beautiful little girls and they couldn't be happier. Both started feeling like they needed to find someone quick. They were thinking of settling. Now they're glad they didn't. Having a family is only as great as who you have the family with. Don't expect to find Superman, but you will find someone whose flaws just make you love them more.

Never think about changing who you are just to find a guy. They need to love you for who you are. Otherwise, they're married to a lie and you'll both be miserable in the end. Who you are will change with time. I've been married for 5 years, and we are different people now than we were then, but no less in love. We have grown and changed together. The most important thing is we have been honest about everything from the start. There are no secrets in our relationship.

If you want to meet someone, try doing more coed group activities that interest you. If you like to travel, try some tour groups. If you play sports, try to find coed sports teams and groups. if you're doing things you love, then you're likely to meet other people that like to do things you love.

Also, keep in mind, sometimes guys can be oblivious. (I should know, I am one) Nothing has ever been more attractive to me, and all the guys I know, as a woman who just flat out says what she wants and goes for it. My wife and I still joke about who actually kissed who first. Men are as attracted to confidence as women are.

  • [-]
  • glimmery
  • 3 Points
  • 17:39:56, 23 June

First of all, no, you are not crazy. You are in your late twenties and are starting to think about the things you want out of life beyond what you already have. That's good, it's good to be thinking about these things now, while you still have time. And I repeat: you still have lots of time!

A woman's fertility experiences the first significant drop off at age 27, so you're already past that point. The good news is your fertility will remain fairly stable again until 35, so you're right at the start of this second phase of fertility. This is the phase that most women will have a child, first or second, so you are in good company.

There's nothing wrong with dating with a mind towards a family. If that is your goal, that's exactly what dating should be for.

I feel you on this one, only I am in a relationship now, we've been together eight months and we just moved in together (first time I've done that). We've talked about kids and marriage and we are on the same page about both (we both want both, we both see this relationship as heading in that direction). And still I feel anxious, more so than I did when I was in relationships in my twenties that I cared less about. Now that I know I want children (his children) I just want it to all work out. And the idea that there are time constraints is stressful.

You can't rush life, so try to relax as much as you can. But meanwhile, be mindful about what you want and open about it with the men you date. It's not "baby crazyness." There are men out there who want the same things you do, but you're not going to find them by pretending you don't want what you DO want.

  • [-]
  • CheezIt624
  • 4 Points
  • 15:08:02, 23 June

Nothing to add, but just wanted to let you know that I'm there with you. I try to focus on the things I like about being single - walking around my house naked, eating cake for dinner, watching whatever I want on TV.

  • [-]
  • ImSortofANerd
  • 3 Points
  • 16:44:26, 23 June

As a recently married woman, I can confirm that husbands want dinner for dinner and I can no longer think up things to eat last minute. Also, he controls the remote!

Haha I'm loving marriage, but the selfishness you're permitted when single isn't really an option when you're part of a team.

  • [-]
  • MyRedditAccount-
  • 1 Points
  • 16:49:56, 23 June

What's stopping you from walking around naked when you have a partner? Or having two TVs?

  • [-]
  • CheezIt624
  • 2 Points
  • 17:19:04, 23 June

Nothing. But the option to be completely selfish just isn't there.

  • [-]
  • MyRedditAccount-
  • 1 Points
  • 17:20:15, 23 June

Yep absolutely. I was just pointing out that all your examples you can do in a relationship too.

  • [-]
  • wombuzzle
  • 1 Points
  • 16:24:07, 23 June

Be careful of the "ticking clock" narrative. Focusing on this can easily turn you into a last minute ebay bidder without a maximum limit.

The effect on your life of settling down and having a child will be incredible. The great job, sports, hobbies, friends and travel will take a serious hit; some things you will have to simply give up, possibly permanently. While being a parent has its benefits, the description of how rewarding it is varies greatly between people. I believe the benefits are often grossly overstated, simply because parents go through so much toil for the tiniest reward; objectively, things can be much worse.

I suggest spending the time to take off the rose-tinted glasses and understand as best as possible what it means to go down this path. Don't succumb to the pressure of the countdown.

illustration

  • [-]
  • palestephie
  • 2 Points
  • 17:57:14, 23 June

28 yr old here; I get this. I soooo get this. I have been/am there.

When I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago, I was super depressed. Not for losing him; it was a terrible relationship. We had stayed together out of sheer force of will the previous year when we were terrible for each other - mostly because I was determined to make it work. No, I was mostly depressed to be starting over - to be still looking. I mean, I guess I want babies one day, but mostly, I just want someone to build a life with - to enjoy at the end of a long day and to partner up with and face whatever challenges come along...

But it's important to remember that you need to be with the right person, despite the desire. I felt like I had just wasted the past two years (two REALLY BAD years) with the wrong person because I wanted a relationship. If you found this breakup really disappointing, make sure to figure out why. What you saw in him that you liked/wanted, and what ultimately caused the break. Were the issues actually irreconcilable, and if so, should you have been able to see them coming? I mean, yes there is still plenty of time for you, but still you shouldn't waste it with the wrong guys.

It's also important to BE the right person. Don't get too stressed about this situation that's at least 50% out of your control. Don't sit there undermining your own self-confidence and peace of mind worrying that there's something wrong with you. If you are happy with the person that you are and trying to grow in the directions that you think are right and make you happy, then there are people out there who can also appreciate those aspects of you. If you never find the right person, you will still have to live with you, so don't be too hard on yourself.
Anecdote: My current boyfriend and I broke up back in February (we are now back together), and I was ... shocked... beyond disappointed. I just kind of felt, from the first date, that he was it. Anyway, he was going through a bad period and had become increasingly critical and judgmental, and I had become increasingly insecure around him because of it. The break up kind of make me realize that even though I loved him and respected his opinion, it didn't make him right, neither in his perspective on me nor in the ways our views were starting to diverge.

TL;DR/Summary: I totally empathize, but don't let your disappointment and as-yet-unfulfilled desires monopolize your perspective.

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 1 Points
  • 19:20:58, 23 June

Thank you for your reply. I think part of my worry is that I found qualities in the most recent guy that I really cherish, the sort of qualities that make you think, "yeah, I can really fall in love with this person". I worry that I won't find them again and it's hard to know that he didn't see the same in me, that he sees me as a person he could be really good friends with, rather than a partner.

So far most of my relationships have ended because of a mismatch of feelings, either on my part or theirs and I wonder why I seem to be drawn to people who I'm not right for. I have to keep reminding myself that all relationships (at least for monogamous leaning folks) end until one of them doesn't. Some people are suggesting some time for self-reflection, but I think putting myself out there more, dating more deliberately, while still enjoying my life and letting things play out as they will is the right step forward for now.

You said that you and your current boyfriend broke up, what brought you back together? I have minimal hopes that I would get back together with my current ex and I'm not going to put my life on hold to wait for something that is probably not going to happen. I just need to move on. But I'm still curious about why/how people break up and later get back together.

  • [-]
  • Clever-reddit-name
  • 2 Points
  • 18:13:45, 23 June

I created an account to share my story because your comment and the responses hit close to home for me. Im 36 and my wife is 30, we married 3 years ago when my wife was 27. My wife immediately wanted to have children because she felt the same concerns about age. Well, 2 years pass with no luck. We begin looking into fertility issues and the problem turns out to be me. Im infertile.

Everyone tells us, "you have plenty of time. " I hope that is the case. I waited two years to propose because i wanted to wait until i finished doing grad school at night. I now wish i could have that time back. Everyone tells you it will be ok at the end; well that gets pretty old as the years roll on without results.

I have my second surgery this august and hopefully i will be at the point where ivf or iui is an option sometime in the spring of 2015. Still, every baby announcement on facebook (especially 2nd or 3rd children) sends my wife into a fit of tears. And, emotionally, its crushing. Being the "reason we cant have kids" is awful and a gutting experience.

Everyone is right, you can have a great life without kids, but if you really want them..... Well, far too many people assume that getting pregnant at this stage of life is easy. If having kids is something you want to do, my opinion is to make settling down more of a priority and leave it less to chance.

I may be too close to this issue to give good commentary. I do feel like i squandered my late 20s early 30s with chasing a career and advanced education and may be missing on one of the things i most want out of life.

  • [-]
  • RobotPartsCorp
  • 1 Points
  • 19:07:25, 23 June

So, in this case, it is your advancing age that is more of a factor in the difficulty of having children with your wife?

  • [-]
  • Clever-reddit-name
  • 2 Points
  • 19:49:21, 23 June

Well, the damage is already done. I had a bilateral varicocele that has been repaired but needs additional work. It became a problem in 2011 but i didnt realize that the perisistant sweating problem i was having around my groin was anything more than a function of the weather and exercising but then i started having groin pain in 2013. Now we feel like my recovery (how much and how soon) is a race to get into the ivf/iui pipeline before we are too old. The programs in our area will exclude you if your age or semen quality or semen quantity are too poor and i am well below the standard right now. We may be able to travel if we cannot work with local specialist.

Its gone largely unsaid, but if i had not been resistant about getting married while still in night school, there would have been at least a year of opportunity for kids before the varicoceles expressed itself. The few comments that have been made weight on me heavilly.

  • [-]
  • RobotPartsCorp
  • 1 Points
  • 19:55:27, 23 June

I am very sorry for your troubles. There's a thing they say about hindsight, unfortunately. No way or predicting these things. I hope that your surgery is successful and you and your wife conceive a beautiful, healthy baby.

  • [-]
  • Clever-reddit-name
  • 2 Points
  • 20:24:03, 23 June

Thanks, really. I probably overresponded to the OP because this regret is often on my mind. My wife and i are probably the rare case and im being needlessly scary.

  • [-]
  • RobotPartsCorp
  • 1 Points
  • 20:54:16, 23 June

Nothing wrong with presenting another perspective or experience!

  • [-]
  • addtothebeauty
  • 1 Points
  • 23:25:30, 23 June

Just wanted to offer my sympathies. I relate to being the wife in an infertile couple and being gutted by pregnancy announcements. I won't say all the annoying things that people say when you're experiencing infertility. I'll just say that I hope children are in your future. And I think if she hasn't heard you express these sentiments already, your wife would take a lot of solace in those words.

  • [-]
  • RobotPartsCorp
  • 2 Points
  • 19:02:56, 23 June

Don't know where you are from but you shouldn't panic! The average age for first time mothers has gone up!

"Overall the ONS said the average age of a mother giving birth in England and Wales in 2012 was 29.8 years, the highest on record and a full year older than the typical occupant of a maternity ward a decade earlier. "

  • [-]
  • RhinoTattoo
  • 2 Points
  • 19:22:17, 23 June

You remind me of my best friend. To me, she seems just about perfect, and she would love to be married with kids, but it just hasn't happened yet.

I don't know you personally, but I'll say to you the same thing I say to her: You're too good to settle. When you find the one who's not only worth your present but also worth your future, things will fall into place.

And you'll probably be married within a year with beautiful triplets or something. ; )

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 2 Points
  • 19:30:21, 23 June

Haha, thanks. I'm trying not to wallow too much. When we broke up, my ex told me what a wonderful person I was and how badly he felt that the chemistry just wasn't there for him. It sucks to hear that from someone you care about, that you're great but not great for them. But in a way I guess its comforting. If he wasn't feeling it, it wouldn't have worked out long-term anyway. I'm just gonna keep putting myself out there until things fall into place. :-)

  • [-]
  • richardcollopy
  • 7 Points
  • 14:26:56, 23 June

>even though I realistically know that I have a good 8-12 years before having a child becomes a real issue.

I don't want to be an asshole here but just because you can have a baby in your 40s doesn't mean you should. Pregnancies after 40 are very risky.

  • [-]
  • ballsacksupreme
  • 6 Points
  • 15:41:58, 23 June

it's appalling that so many people think that every woman can get the celebrity fertility treatments and have twins when they're 40. i don't want to be an asshole either and prod insecurities, but i also fear that a lot of people are going to end up childless and disappointed.

  • [-]
  • figureour
  • 2 Points
  • 17:45:21, 23 June

>Pregnancies after 40 are very risky.

It's more risky than in your thirties for sure, but I don't know if I'd call it "very risky." I was born when my mother was 42 and everything turned out fine. Granted, every woman in her family is extremely fertile, so that helped.

I don't think women should give birth after 40 if their health isn't the greatest, but if you're doing well, I don't think your early 40's should be ruled out.

  • [-]
  • richardcollopy
  • 3 Points
  • 18:26:41, 23 June

>It's more risky than in your thirties for sure, but I don't know if I'd call it "very risky."

They're risky enough. Down's Syndrome risk for example jumps from 0.3% to 2.5%.

  • [-]
  • funchy
  • 2 Points
  • 15:32:28, 23 June

You're only 28!!! Worry about this stuff when you turn 40. The worst thing you can do is to rush into having kids because you mistakenly think your biological clock stops at 30.

Fwiw, I just had my first baby. I'm over 40. No problems conceiving and baby is beautiful.

Maybe some of what your feeling is just the emotional ripples from the breakup? Give yourself a little time and the emotional upset will fade away.

Sounds like you need to be reminded how awesome it is not to be chained down. Go do something fun and spontaneous. Travel. Go hang out with friends and stay out late. Spend some money on something frivolous. You have so much freedom -- enjoy it! Just because some of your friends are having kids does not mean they're necessarily happier or more fulfilled.

  • [-]
  • MyRedditAccount-
  • 7 Points
  • 16:16:25, 23 June

A lot of people have already done all the things you described. Done the travel thing, done the 'live for yourself' thing, got the career sorted, then they want the part where they have someone to come home to and someone to lean on emotionally and who knows you on a deeper level. When you're at that point, doing these 'frivolous things' feels quite hollow.

You never know how long it may take her to find someone that suitably matches her. Say she starts looking now, it might take 2-3 years. That makes her 31. Then how long do you invest before marriage? 3 years? That's 34. Wait another 2 to get settled, then kids at 36. That's if she starts now, not if she starts worrying about it when she's 40, as you said.

There's a difference between offering someone honest advice and just trying to make them feel better.

  • [-]
  • bicameral_mind
  • 2 Points
  • 16:59:21, 23 June

Yup. Life changes take time, no matter what they are. If someone is worried about something, it's usually for a reason and they should respond to that feeling. It took me a long time to break that cycle of procrastination predicated on the belief that "I have plenty of time". The only time you really have is right now.

  • [-]
  • PoniesRBitchin
  • 1 Points
  • 15:50:06, 23 June

My mom had me at 36, you're not doing too bad. A lot of the problem in finding your spouse is just finding someone who has similar values, and that can come down to where you meet guys. If you're on a sports team, then could some of your teammates introduce you to guys they know? Or try an online dating site like OK Cupid that lets you search for people interested in long-term dating.

  • [-]
  • puffytailcat
  • 1 Points
  • 22:28:06, 23 June

the best thing i can say is figure out what you, alone, want for your life. if a partner would be icing on the cake, then yeah, maybe you want that to be an active pursuit. but, like, your life should be a big-ass, awesome cake all by itself. we can even say friends and family and such are the amazing filling, but if your life can be a bomb diggity cake without THE ONE, i say gobble that shit up.

  • [-]
  • pumpkin_pasties
  • 1 Points
  • 23:37:39, 23 June

My mom didn't meet my dad until she was 34. They're still together 25 years later. Sometimes it happens even later than that

  • [-]
  • canteloupy
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:35, 23 June

I started dating my now-husband and was pregnant within 2 weeks. Now we have two children and are happily married.

Things don't happen according to plans. The most important thing is to know what you want so that when it hits you in the face you can catch it and follow through. I always knew I wanted kids and so did my husband, we weren't quite ready for that but I was not going to let it go when it happened and he wasn't about to let me go either.

So basically, just be prepared to ride it when it comes. And don't fret too much about it.

And if at one point you feel that you really want to meet people with the same goal and feel that you're not, perhaps just try out an online dating site, you never know. The one good side that I see on those sites is that people know exactly what they're getting into and you don't necessarily have to have that discussion after a while. I didn't use it myself but I have friends who met online and it helped them.

  • [-]
  • BeachHouseKey
  • 1 Points
  • 20:43:14, 23 June

You said you really like your job, and that's great: does it pay well enough to afford raising a child?

  • [-]
  • Furtherfuture
  • -2 Points
  • 17:16:13, 23 June

> I realistically know that I have a good 8-12 years before having a child becomes a real issue.

The older you get, the less healthful your offspring will be.

  • [-]
  • HarpySnickersnee
  • 0 Points
  • 21:05:38, 23 June

The chances of a chromosomal defect rises slightly with age, but even after 40 the chances are something like 3% and they typically do testing to make sure its not a problem.

She really does have 8-12 years before its a real issue, like she stated.

  • [-]
  • NothinWrongWitMe
  • 0 Points
  • 18:04:31, 23 June

I get it, too, but then I look at people my age who are married and miserable or boring or both and don't feel so bad. This isn't the 1940s. Times are different, it will take awhile for our attitude to change about women having careers and everyone going to college instead of being married and having kids out of high school. The time limit isn't on marriage, let's be real here, its on having a baby because you know its riskier the older you get. Easy solution... Tons of kids out there dying for a foster or adoptive parent. Be one. Problem solved, pressure relieved.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -5 Points
  • 19:05:06, 23 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • NothinWrongWitMe
  • 7 Points
  • 19:30:59, 23 June

That was completely sexist and full of bias.

  • [-]
  • isbutteracarb
  • 3 Points
  • 19:51:09, 23 June

Yeah, I'm not taking any of that to heart.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -31 Points
  • 12:24:25, 23 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • pasabagi
  • 28 Points
  • 12:58:12, 23 June

>For every success story you hear of someone having a child late there are just as many horror stories related to child's health, divorce, and death of the parents.

Oh come on. On the birth defects front, the chance hits 3% at age 45. It doesn't escape 1% until you're over 40. The other points you brought up are absurd.

30 is young. A lot of people have kids in their thirties. It's generally a pretty good move, since 30-somethings are more reasonable. 20-somethings are basically large children, on the whole.

  • [-]
  • Class-Punk
  • 4 Points
  • 13:17:46, 23 June

> 20-somethings are basically large children, on the whole.

Facial moisturizer does more for them too, those idealistic brats.

  • [-]
  • available_username2
  • 2 Points
  • 16:28:08, 23 June

Are you taking that from the graph on the wikipedia someone else linked? Because that was only for down syndrome risk

  • [-]
  • HarpySnickersnee
  • 10 Points
  • 14:19:36, 23 June

Jesus, just, no.

So misinformed. Read up about having children past 28 (actual RECENT studies) and then maybe you can have an educated discussion with at least a little bit of knowledge on the subject.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -3 Points
  • 18:00:43, 23 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • HarpySnickersnee
  • 4 Points
  • 18:06:19, 23 June

You say depraved whore like its a bad thing???

Edit (in regards to a following deleted comment): Nah, my boyfriend doesnt really care. He's what we call "confident" and "secure" with himself. Knowing the woman he loves has had sex with other dudes before him and is interested in a career for herself doesnt threaten him or his masculinity.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 20:38:48, 23 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • janeylicious
  • 0 Points
  • 20:42:06, 23 June

This comment was removed:

Respect: No disrespectful commentary is permitted.

  • [-]
  • endo_chick
  • 14 Points
  • 12:52:43, 23 June

Excuse me, just how did she "goof up"? Some of us don't have the luxury of finding "the one" right when we're 24-25 and settling down. Life just doesn't fucking work that way.

I'm 31 years old with endometriosis, want to say that bullshit drivel to me as well? I can't have kids right now, I'm not financially stable enough and I want to pay off my debt.

"Every study you read or expert you consult will agree: 35 is the age of reckoning for women when it comes to having children. In your early 30s, your chances of getting pregnant are only slightly lower than in your late 20s and your risk of a miscarriage or a baby with Down syndrome only slightly higher — but at 35, that decline in fertility begins to accelerate."

7 years, that's a long time and enough time for things to change for her. So why give her a scare like this with misinformation?

Do your research "MR" uncle cool guy... and get back to us.

EDIT: Oh, and by the way, I got tested and my hormones are perfect for my age, explain that.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -17 Points
  • 13:08:16, 23 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • pasabagi
  • 17 Points
  • 13:25:03, 23 June

You're also an asshole. I mean, trying to make out that not having a baby before 30 (I assume that's where you were going with your bullshit horror stories) is irresponsible is not only flat out wrong, it's also deeply reactionary. Irresponsible is when you have a kid and you let it play in traffic or something. You can't be 'irresponsible to your potential future child', because that kid doesn't exist except in the fevered imaginations of people who see women as glorified reproductive organs.

  • [-]
  • mrunclecoolguy
  • -24 Points
  • 13:40:52, 23 June

I didn't say that at all. I said late thirties and forties. I really wish you would have read my post before attacking me.

You allusion that I'm not a woman because I've had sexual reassignment surgery is absolutely insulting and ridiculous. There is so much more to womanhood than reproduction, and if you weren't blinded by cisgender privilege as well you would probably be more aware, but I look at it from a rational standpoint.

  • [-]
  • pasabagi
  • 19 Points
  • 13:44:55, 23 June

I didn't allude that. I'm solely annoyed by your bizarre, moralizing post. I'm solely interested in your opinions. I have no interest in you, your gender, or anything else you're assuming I have telepathic knowledge of.

  • [-]
  • durbeyfield1
  • 16 Points
  • 14:26:55, 23 June

That allusion wasn't there. No one is attacking you for being transgendered. But you are being attacked for presuming to tell this woman that she should have started looking for a husband earlier, and that her children will now likely be born disabled. Do you not see why that is not a constructive thing to say, regardless of gender?

  • [-]
  • CheezIt624
  • 5 Points
  • 15:10:25, 23 June

Quit with the pearl-clutching and internet judging.

  • [-]
  • ifiasco
  • 9 Points
  • 15:25:04, 23 June

> and your post reeks of cisgender privilege

Troll status confirmed?

  • [-]
  • durbeyfield1
  • 5 Points
  • 15:43:53, 23 June

-22 comment karma and no links. I think you might be right.

  • [-]
  • ifiasco
  • 2 Points
  • 15:22:02, 23 June

If you're turning to an online message board for advice rather than eating delicious pie, well, guess what you need? Delicious pie.

That logic doesn't seem to work for everything.

  • [-]
  • hey_sjay
  • 0 Points
  • 17:40:10, 23 June

Where do we find this delicious pie? I would like some, please.