Do any other older ladies (40ish) find the double standard of not being able to date down in age ridiculous? (self.AskWomen)

{AskWomen}

1 ups - 0 downs = 1 votes

I don't understand how this double standard exists. It's absurd we get labeled with the "old maid" or "spinster" titles. Apparently it's fine for older men to date hot twenty somethings and society gives them a slap on the back and tells them "good job!" and yet I've somehow "lost dating value" the past decade. Years ago it was so easy to line up dates and it's gotten so hard now, it's enraging me.

I'm 39 and I'm finding it impossible to get a guy under 30 to stay with me. Sex is even worse; I sure I can find a young guy receptive to sex but I end up being used by these guys and they just dispose of me. I've had it with one night stands and I don't won't to be looked at as a sex toy anymore.

And no, I'm not attracted to older men at all.I do not find bald wrinkly men that resemble my father handsome. My tastes in men haven't changed in ten years.

Any advice?

70 comments submitted at 19:40:22 on Aug 4, 2013 by the_orange_queen

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 20 Points
  • 19:57:44, 4 August

Is there a reason you aren't attracted to men closer to your age?

In my area, it's quite common for older divorcees to fool around with 20-something guys, but no one in that arrangement wants a relationship.

Honestly, I know it's more socially acceptable for men to date young than women, but the judgmental side of me always wonders if the older person (regardless of gender) is just so stunted in maturity that they can't relate to more age-appropriate options.

  • [-]
  • DmKrispin
  • -1 Points
  • 20:20:35, 4 August

Thank-you so much for snap-judging me. Allow me to be as candid as you in my response

Considering that the "age appropriate" options for women like me are rather unappealing, I didn't limit myself to partners in the same age group. In my experience, they want a mother for their kids, a maid for their house, and a nurse for their various aches and pains. Not only that, they've waned sexually, just when most women like me are at or near their sexual peak.

Finding a partner who fits involves a lot more than only considering those who are "age appropriate". Trust me, I'm old and wise, and I'm mature enough to see past a birthdate and into the actual person.

YMMV, of course.

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 25 Points
  • 20:32:58, 4 August

Well apparently you aren't open enough to see men older than you as more than wrinkly father-figures, or men your own age as more than impotent men in need of nannies, so why should men younger than you be open enough to see you as more than aged flesh old enough to be their mother? It's a two-way street.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -3 Points
  • 20:47:55, 4 August

> Is there a reason you aren't attracted to men closer to your age?

I find men age much more poorly than women. They bald, their bodies break down easier, their sexual stamina bottoms out. Men my age aren't fit, at least where I'm from. They just aren't well put-together anymore.

Also after 40, men start to just drop dead sometimes. That's horrifying.

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 12 Points
  • 21:25:49, 4 August

You do realize if you have a long-term relationship with a 29-year-old, he'll eventually turn 40, right? Also, women get diseases and cancer and strokes, too. Maybe young men don't want to set themselves up for a situation where their SO will become infirm and die a good 20 years before them.

It's just so ridiculous to me that you can rag on younger guys for being judgmental of your age, but you're equally judgmental of men your own age.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -8 Points
  • 21:52:51, 4 August

men die much younger than women. True or false?

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 12 Points
  • 21:58:16, 4 August

False. In Western countries the difference in life expectancies is ~1-2 years and can mostly be attributed to the fact that the military was until very recently a male-only occupation. Therefore a lot more 20something men died than women. Also, young men are more likely to be in fatal car accidents and successfully commit suicide. These factors skew the results. If a man and woman lived in a controlled, identical environment, there's no reason to suspect which would outlive the other.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 7 Points
  • 21:56:37, 4 August

False? In Canada the male life expectancy is 80 while female life expectancy is 84. Four years isn't thaaat big a deal.

  • [-]
  • SweetiePieJonas
  • 1 Points
  • 09:35:29, 5 August

>I find men age much more poorly than women.

Quit lying to yourself.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 21:14:46, 4 August

40-year-old woman here. Can confirm.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 0 Points
  • 21:19:37, 4 August

one of my friend's friends husbands had a stroke at 43. He's recovering now but I don't want to go through that.She had to quit her job and become a part-time nanny for him.

Granted, he wasn't in good shape but that's nightmarish.

  • [-]
  • squashedfrog462
  • 2 Points
  • 23:29:21, 4 August

And no young man has ever become sick and died?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 2 Points
  • 21:22:08, 4 August

brb hitting the gym.

  • [-]
  • searedscallops
  • 11 Points
  • 21:42:15, 4 August

I don't have this experience at all. I'm 38 and I get sooooo many 25-year-olds chasing me. They are very handsome, but not emotionally mature enough for my liking.

I don't see any opposition to older women with younger men.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 2 Points
  • 22:09:17, 4 August

but how many would actually date you? I mean it's not hard to find a man that age who isn't down for a roll in the hay. I'm talking about much more, commitment.

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 3 Points
  • 22:13:25, 4 August

Do you think part of it could be that young men eventually want a family, and aren't going to date someone who obviously isn't at that stage any more? Various polls have left me with the conclusion that 75-80% of men want children some day.

  • [-]
  • searedscallops
  • 3 Points
  • 22:28:49, 4 August

I'm going to assume all of them, since I'm known by my social group (of which they are included) to be somewhat picky on partners.

  • [-]
  • j00jy
  • 3 Points
  • 23:28:50, 4 August

Im in that group (28yo). To put it plainly I don't look at someone with that big of an age gap as relationship material. I have no problem having fun with them but anything more than that and im out. The same thing goes for younger women. I'll jump in the sack with a 20 year old but wouldn't even consider a serious relationship with one.

In my experience that type of arrangement is exactly what the women your age are looking for if they are open to being with younger guys. I think you're probably pretty rare for actually wanting a relationship with men that age.

  • [-]
  • HabsGirl
  • 7 Points
  • 22:26:00, 4 August

Why would you want someone under the age of 30 only? If you refuse to consider someone your own age it indicates that you don't really care about someone's personality/mind. What I got from your post and some of your comments is that you only care for looks. I date older guys but if I thought he was dating me because my tits aren't sagging yet and I don't have wrinkles, I would be turned off from them. It's pretty shallow.

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 19 Points
  • 20:06:03, 4 August

/r/Thinlydisguisedrants

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 23:25:37, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • poesie
  • 1 Points
  • 00:18:47, 5 August

Actually I removed that for graceless generalization of gender. Please don't repost removed comments!

  • [-]
  • rwbombc
  • 9 Points
  • 21:47:22, 4 August

OP you are forgetting outside of Reddit, a lot of men want to have children. A woman at 39, no offense, isn't in her prime fertility years anymore. That alone is going to scare away a lot of younger men who aren't sure if they want children at all.

When a man dates down it's often because he wants children and the woman finds herself in a financially secure situation, so it's beneficial to both parties.

I'm not always saying this happens always but this is a big cause of the double standard.

Also I'm a 38 year old man who passes for his 20s consistently. I'm not getting wrinkles until my 50s (I thank my mother for that). There are plenty of handsome and fit guys in their 30s. I know I wouldn't want to date myself in my 20s,I was such a moron in hindsight; men mature much more slower than women.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -5 Points
  • 22:11:03, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 6 Points
  • 22:15:25, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 1 Points
  • 22:29:34, 4 August

and how old are you? and have you ever dated a much older man? I'm curious what's your experience.

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 6 Points
  • 22:34:44, 4 August

I'm 23 and engaged to a 23-year-old. My fiancé's father is 49 and married to a 25-year-old woman. My experience is being on relationships based in mutual trust and respect, not wild assumptions that all men are either old and impotent (and apparently ready to die at 40) or sex-crazed and potent but flakey and completely uninterested in children. Because that isn't how you attract worthwhile people.

Edit: and I love how you complain that men only want sex, yet completely dismiss people who suggest that they also want commitment and family - with someone else.

Edit 2.0: My future mother-in-law and aunt are both well over 40 and are both in committed relationships with younger men. They're also both lovely people, which is how they landed these men in the first place.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 0 Points
  • 22:38:53, 4 August

so your mother-in-law is the same age as you. So can't you see the double standard here?

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 6 Points
  • 22:40:26, 4 August

Nope. Check my edit.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 4 Points
  • 22:29:36, 4 August

What? You already said you had no problem getting sex. Your problem is getting men to commit long term and so long term priorities certainly matter.

What have these guys said to you? Have they given you any indication why they aren't interested in anything serious?

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -1 Points
  • 22:35:37, 4 August

they have sex with me and never call back, same old same old. I'm so tired of it. They put up the sweet act and I fall for it and the morning after everything seems dandy then my texts never get returned.

I have not heard back from the last three guys I slept with after sex. I thought it was a fluke now I'm just hurt and angry for being used.

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 10 Points
  • 22:51:12, 4 August

Maybe it's because of your attitude, not your age

  • [-]
  • jurupa
  • 1 Points
  • 11:35:22, 5 August

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 4 Points
  • 21:09:29, 4 August

Ha! I'm 40. What are you looking for? Men of any age just want sex. Some younger dudes will fall hard for you, let me also get to know yo as a person. Good luck!

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -1 Points
  • 22:08:10, 4 August

I don't have a problem getting younger guys, it's KEEPING them. I'm not up for sex right away anymore as they tend to take it and not come back.

  • [-]
  • RedInHeadandBed
  • 1 Points
  • 00:11:13, 5 August

Do you want to keep them? At 40, it's hard to keep any guy. They all seem to just want to play.

  • [-]
  • DmKrispin
  • 7 Points
  • 20:13:25, 4 August

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not a "milf". I'm a average-ish chubby suburban mom who never got much male attention at all. Even now, when I'm out in public, I'm nearly invisible.

I was 40 when I met my 26-year-old SO (a month before he turned 27). He doesn't care at all about the age difference, and we've been quite happily going for more than 3 years now. In fact, I'm having the best sex of my life, and I've never felt more loved. My BF before him was only a few years older than him. It's not that I was looking for younger men, they just sorta happened to me while I was participating in things I like.

My advice to you is to be your best self ... along with attention to appearance, try to be interesting and interested in meeting people in general, not just men. Develop a hobby, read books, acquire a new skill, etc.

Ladies "of a certain age" can't really really on looks or raw sex appeal; we have to have more to offer a potential mate (charm, wit, maturity, stability, etc). Is it fair? No, but it can be an opportunity for personal growth and reassessment.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 3 Points
  • 20:03:09, 4 August

Do you find men in their 30s attractive? I wonder whether you wouldn't have better luck if you looked for men who are younger than you, but not sooo much younger than you. Or are there just too few of them around?

I agree that the double standards are unfair. It's got to be really hard. But would you really have much in common with a 25 year old guy, anyway?

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -5 Points
  • 20:41:12, 4 August

I don't like grey hair, I don't like overweight men, I don't like crow's feet, I don't like men who last a minute in bed.

It's hard to explain: I get the whole "dirty old man" vibe really hard from guys over thirty, like they are trying too hard to get in my pants for someone who is over the hill. I went out on a couple dates with them, as they seemed too eager to spend money on me to buy affection. I'm not looking for money or anything like that, I have a decent job myself.

  • [-]
  • sevenbridge
  • 17 Points
  • 20:46:03, 4 August

So basically; you don't want to date 40 somethings, but are upset that other people don't want to date 40 somethings?

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -6 Points
  • 20:49:12, 4 August

I'm upset men can do it and get away with it and it's becoming difficult for me to date now.

  • [-]
  • comfortnsilence
  • 10 Points
  • 23:22:50, 4 August

...so you'd be okay with your situation if men your age also couldn't get away with it?

Grow up. This isn't kindergarden and not everyone gets a valentines card anymore.

Yes, it sucks becoming less attractive to people. Now deal with it like every other human has always done since the beginning of time.

  • [-]
  • poesie
  • 3 Points
  • 20:11:12, 4 August

I don't know, I think there is more acceptance than ever that we can date men who are a lot younger. But, it's always hard IMO to build the kind of quality relationship that can last.

In any case, wait a bit longer and everyone will be divorced (well not everyone, but lots of people) and there will be a new bunch of dudes, not all wrinkly and/or bald, for you to date.

  • [-]
  • cyranothe2nd
  • 3 Points
  • 22:16:58, 4 August

I consistently date younger dudes and have mostly had good times with it. I think it's important to find guys that are respectful and genuinely nice people. I usually enter into a kind of kinky mentor relationship with these guys and they respect my knowledge and ease with my body. Yes, sometimes they end sooner than I want them to, but usually I am careful to weed out guys that seem to be flaky (and obvs, these guys can be found in any age group.)

As far as LTRs go, I don't really highlight the age thing. My partner of 6 years is 9 years my junior--he was 20 when we met. He respects the fact that I've lived a lot more than he has, but I equally respect his wisdom and talents. I try not to set up a paradigm where I am the Old Wise One or something (except in the bedroom). I think the respect and liking has to be mutual.

Honestly, I think you might be having a bad streak right now. Don't let it discourage you from dating younger men in general. But do maybe go through your sorting criteria and think about whether it's flawed in some way (and it really might not be. Sometimes you can just have a run of bad luck!). If so, think about how you can weed disrespectful, bad dudes out earlier (ie before you waste a bunch of time on them). What works for me is to talk online a few times (no more than a week--I don't like building up emotional connections that don't pan out) and then meeting in person. If they flake out, don't meet me, or piss me off with sexist/stupid remarks, they don't really get a second chance. I figure that at the beginning of a relationship, people are on their best behavior--if they're willing to be stupid, sexist flakes right off the bat then they're going to be way worse later. If things go well, we go on a few more dates, talk/text, chat online. I usually don't sleep with someone right away unless I'm looking for a FWB relationship. I want to give them a chance to show me who they are/get to know me. If the person seems genuine and cool, then awesome. If not, I tell them I'm not interested.

There are a lot of younger dudes that fetishize older women. And that's totally cool if they're up front about it and you're looking for that (I've had a lot of fun experiences with this, too.) But if you're looking for a relationship, then be choosy, take it slow and don't make a big deal of the age difference.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 2 Points
  • 22:32:59, 4 August

thank you so much!

> There are a lot of younger dudes that fetishize older women.

Sadly I know this, it's just that they want sex and nothing else from my experience.

  • [-]
  • gal_Friday
  • 6 Points
  • 20:30:02, 4 August

Is there a reason you don't like older men? I mean not everyone does, but not all older men are bald and chubby.

My boyfriend is turning 44 this month and I'm only 26. I think he's pretty hot and fit, as well as pretty successful and sure of himself and sharp as a whip, not to mention a tiger in bed. His friends are pretty well put together too and are quite the "catch", some of their girlfriends are your age and seem very happy.

I'm just saying, I mean I don't want to sound rude or preachy but at that age for ladies your dating pool is pretty massive if you date up and pretty shallow if you date down. Younger guys aren't generally looking for older women to date, I know it sucks.

Maybe you aren't looking in the right places for men? I know it sounds off-putting to you but there are tons of guys much older than would fall over themselves for a lady in your range.

I find younger men terribly immature and still very much in "skirt-chaser" mode. I would never date a man in his 20's again. I'm not trying to sell OP on the idea, but I used to find the idea of older gentlemen "gross" not too long ago myself.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -4 Points
  • 20:44:42, 4 August

don't you see the double standard? What if I was 44 and dated a 26 year old? What if I had all the qualities of your boyfriend and more? Why shouldn't men be attracted to that?

Instead they are turned off by it. It's not fair at all.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 3 Points
  • 21:19:41, 4 August

Well, it doesn't have to be fair. Love isn't a democracy.

I'm not saying I don't agree with you, because you make some good points. I wouldn't date a 20-something myself for the same reasons, and frankly the 30-something divorced men are usually divorced because they haven't grown up yet either. I guess if you want someone in their late 30s who acts like an adult and yet looks good and takes care of themselves, you gotta go where they are (work, the gym, etc). A 40-something decent-looking guy who doesn't feel like he "deserves" a girlfriend half his age might be something of a unicorn, but all you really need is one, right?

  • [-]
  • jurupa
  • 3 Points
  • 21:18:30, 4 August

Why the entitlement?

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • -4 Points
  • 21:21:12, 4 August

I'm just frustrated it's getting harder to date as I get older. I don't like it.

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 2 Points
  • 22:52:06, 4 August

It's always going to get harder to date, the older you get. That's the way it works.

  • [-]
  • the_orange_queen
  • 0 Points
  • 23:01:31, 4 August

I think you are a mod? do I have permission to post my pic in somewhere in this thread? I'd like to hear opinions.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 6 Points
  • 23:04:48, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Nraes
  • 1 Points
  • 23:02:34, 4 August

If you have any questions you can message the moderators (there is a link on the sidebar)

  • [-]
  • jurupa
  • 1 Points
  • 11:38:12, 5 August

Don't limit your dating pool so much that your options are limited then.

  • [-]
  • ThirdDegree
  • 7 Points
  • 21:31:05, 4 August

Maybe you shouldn't have waited til 39 to lock a young stallion down if it's that big of a deal to you.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 5 Points
  • 20:20:29, 4 August

TBH, I'm not convinced what the attraction is to younger men - I think they are too immature, thinking largely of sexual gratification (not that I don't thoroughly enjoy sex!) and not of cerebral gratification (which I value as highly as the sexing). Also, and maybe this is just within my area and or people I associate with, the bald wrinkly thing is generally with the 50+ category.

  • [-]
  • elphaba27
  • 3 Points
  • 20:25:33, 4 August

I agree! I dated men in their twenties when I was in my twenties I don't want to go back to that!!

I also can think of many older (I'm 30 so 50+) men who I have found attractive and will probably find even more so as I age :)

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 3 Points
  • 20:52:16, 4 August

Amen Sista! ;)

  • [-]
  • gal_Friday
  • 1 Points
  • 20:52:39, 4 August

I would not be against the idea of dating a man in his 60s when I'm in my 30's provided he's got everything together.

  • [-]
  • elphaba27
  • 2 Points
  • 21:59:32, 4 August

Word up! I'm not a very active person so someone who wants to chill at home and cook food and play chess is awesome. I've found men like that in all age ranges.

It's not about finding the perfect age, height, or weight. It's about finding someone you can stand to be around no matter what you look like at the time. To find that person you have to be happy with yourself though...and that's too much work for some people :)

  • [-]
  • nkdeck07
  • 3 Points
  • 20:26:38, 4 August

I'm 23 and I can't get guys under 30 to stay with me. My own fiance is 32. Men of that age group are fickle, generally immature and have no clue what they are doing. Granted I am really generalizing but most of the ones that are single are single for a reason.

I'm also kind of amazed at your own double standard. "And no, I'm not attracted to older men at all.I do not find bald wrinkly men that resemble my father handsome. My tastes in men haven't changed in ten years." Maybe the under 30's don't find old wrinkly women that resemble their mother attractive?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 5 Points
  • 20:41:31, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Little_Lion
  • 15 Points
  • 20:44:25, 4 August

I think the point she's trying to make is that OP whines about men her age being "old and wrinkly" yet never for a second considers herself as similarly undesirable to younger eyes. You really can't complain about men's double standards while clinging to your own.

  • [-]
  • nkdeck07
  • 5 Points
  • 20:46:54, 4 August

Thanks, I do appreciate how the responder had the point go sailing over her head in such a manner as I heard the wooshing noise.

  • [-]
  • nkdeck07
  • 6 Points
  • 20:49:32, 4 August

Seriously? This was so obviously pointing out OP's own complete and total double standard using literally her exact words. If she didn't want to be called wrinkly herself she shouldn't be so casually tossing the word out to describe someone else. I'm sure the men over 30 she described in that manner don't like being called bald and wrinkly.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 20:53:16, 4 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • nkdeck07
  • -2 Points
  • 00:35:36, 5 August

The words that were identical to OP's and needed to make the point?

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 1 Points
  • 00:44:05, 5 August

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • nkdeck07
  • 2 Points
  • 00:56:16, 5 August

There was a literal quote above it.

  • [-]
  • TheHumbleTruth
  • 1 Points
  • 21:31:51, 5 August

OP, your comment responses here make you sound entitled, whiny and bitter and you refuse to recognize the hypocricy of your own comments.

Those rampant generalizations you're making about men your own age.....That's EXACTLY what younger men are also thinking about you. Why SHOULD they stick around for you, when there is so much better younger relationship material women around? At your age, you need to have one heck of a great body and face to stoke physical attraction and an even better personality to make sure they stick around. I have no data on the former, but from the general attitude here, you definitely don't seem to have the latter.

You're just angry and bitter that the you no longer get to pick and choose the pick of the litter like you could in your younger days.

Ironically, you're actually facing exactly what most younger men go through when THEY first start dating.

Of course, I'm pretty sure you'll just misconstrue this as a personal attack, and ignore the central point I was making.

And oh, you're not the first older woman to make this "where are all the good guys gone" rant. It's pretty much a cliche now....a true one.