What fixed our DB (former LL wife) (self.DeadBedrooms)
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We had a pretty DB. In the beginning, sex nonstop for 9 months, then I got pregnant and life and financial and extended family stress began. That was in Spring-Summer of 2006. Since then, we had probably had sex between 20-25 times. Yes, in 8 years. It was bad, but I justified it in my mind. We're busy. We're stressed out. The kids will hear. I'm tired. I need to do xyz for the business (we own our own business). We went to counseling. I went to counseling. We alternated yelling at each other that we were "done!". The rest of the marriage and the business and the coparenting were fine, but the giant elephant in the room that caused all the resentment and simmering anger was that we had sex two or three times a year and slept in separate rooms.
One day last month (yes, this is literally how it happened) I woke up in the middle of the night in my bed and realized that I had completely emasculated my husband in my mind and I craved to be dominated. Physically, in the relationship, in business matters, in household matters, in bed. I had allowed my anxiety to cause me to micromanage and attempt to control every iota of my life, including my husband, which made me view him as weak and submissive, which is not attractive.
Telling him this was the most humbling and awkward and frightening thing I had ever told him. I cried and apologized. I told him that I was telling him right here right now that there is no such word as "No" in our sex life from me. He became visibly excited by this, but went to work.
I spent the day reading about WHY I might have ended up coming to this realization and concluded that when I stripped the power away from my husband, I was "topping from the bottom", to use a BDSM term. See, every relationship needs to have a defined top and a defined bottom, or there will be a power struggle that infects and destroys the relationship. I had chosen and married a man that was an alpha, so I needed to let him BE the alpha. Yes, this was a conscious choice that I had to make. It has been a struggle for me. Yes, I have tried to top from the bottom a few times over the last month and those moments have been the only disharmony we have had (and YES, in each of those instances I was dead wrong and just trying to control him selfishly).
So our new house rules are:
He is alpha. He has final say in all things. He will ask my opinion and we will discuss it, but his Yes or No can overrule mine.
There is no such word as "No" in the bedroom. I do have a safe word. I have not needed it. He gets whatever he wants when he wants it and he has not been shy or lacked any creativity.
I have to remember that when I married him, had kids with him, and started our business with him, I TRUSTED HIM. So if I trust him enough to have him as my business partner, surely I should trust him to know what is actually best for me in the bedroom. He has not hurt me, yet some of the boundaries he has pushed would have had me running and screaming for the hills 5 weeks ago.
We have sex 2-4 times a day but I would prefer more. Yes, he has routinely joked about the alien that replaced his wife, but he seems to have come to terms with it.
Previously when I couldn't stand to have ANY physical contact with him I can't get off of him now. No kissing in years ---> kissing nonstop. Sitting on separate couches ---> sitting in his lap. Never holding hands ---> being physically intertwined at all times.
So in conclusion, I would suggest to HL partners to sit and consider: how does my LL partner picture me in her head? Does she think of me as a broken, submissive Alpha, because that will turn a woman off and dry her up like the Sahara Desert. She may not realize she's the one causing this submissiveness and emasculation, but if she is viewing you in this way, she will instinctively be led to not want to mate with you. You may be her best friend and co-parent and financial partner, but because she controls you sexually, she's (perhaps even subconsciously!) friend-zoned you. No woman wants to sleep with a timid, hyper-anxious-to-please man she can control by withholding sex.
Everyone go watch Gone With The Wind. See Ashley Wilkes and Charles Hamilton? NO. YUCK. Now watch Rhett Butler. He gets what he wants on his terms when he wants and, and if Scarlett isn't going to give it, he takes it. YES YES YES. Let Rhett Butler be the inspiration to men everywhere.
27 comments submitted at 15:01:32 on Jul 20, 2014 by Lizceleste