My gf wants to try cuckolds. I feel inadequate. (self.sex)

sex

20 ups - 5 downs = 15 votes

Me and my gf were talking about our fantasies. She said she really wanted to cuckold. My heart sunk when she said that but i kept my cool.Then she proceeded to tell me that sometimes she is imagining another person fucking her with me or me on the side watching. I don't like it one bit. I feel less than a man and inadequate that my long time gf of 5 years needs to think of other men to get off. I don't know what to do, i'm freaking out. I was going to ask her to marry me but i don't know if i can be with someone knowing what i know now. I've told her how i feel but she still wants to try. What should i do?

32 comments submitted at 19:20:46 on Dec 31, 2013 by kwizz16

  • [-]
  • the2beans
  • 24 Points
  • 19:28:24, 31 December

Yikes. I am generally all for being open and honest with your partner about your sexual desires and fantasies, but that's a real bomb of a surprise to drop if the male partner hasn't voiced some kind of interest in that kind of thing.

While I totally recognize that people have their fantasies and you can't fault them for it, I think just coming out with something like that is cruel without having gently worked toward it in conversation to see if you were interested at all in the outlying ideas that surround cuckoldry.

I am not into it personally and I would also have a really hard time having my wife tell me that. It's the kind of thing that can never be un-said because even if she says "It's OK, it was just a fantasy and we don't need to do it", it will still haunt your mind. Sorry, I wish I could say something more helpful, but she might have done the damage already.

  • [-]
  • tattooed30s
  • 4 Points
  • 19:45:41, 31 December

I kinda doubt that she just sprung this on him out of nowhere. My wife dropped a bomb like this on me in the past......and it was fairly shortly after I had expressed to her that I wanted a FMF threesome. If they were talking about fantasies Im sure he had a few on the table before she pulled this one out of the vault.

  • [-]
  • the2beans
  • 4 Points
  • 20:24:04, 31 December

Given OPs reaction to this revelation, I have a hard time imaging how he would have given off a vibe that he would be receptive to such an idea when he is so very clearly not.

You may be right, of course. His post was a bit lacking in details, but that likely stems from his feeling sick to his stomach that his women just told him she doesn't just want to roleplay the idea of fucking other men. She literally wants to cuckold him. That's a very big difference from saying she wants to try swinging or try a threesome, etc. Cuckolding (if she did use that term) implies a lot more and it generally seems to be for guys who get off on being humiliated or feeling inadequate. Obviously OP is not one of these guys.

  • [-]
  • goodsex
  • 5 Points
  • 19:53:42, 31 December

It may depend on how much actually experiencing her fantasy is a deal breaker for your girlfriend.

There are lots of fantasies I have that my wife would never go for in real life. We play with these fantasies together and milk them for what they are worth together, alone in our bedroom. Sometimes, I just have to keep them to myself.

However, if I wanted to make one of these fantasies into a realty then that would likely be a deal breaker for my wife. We agreed to play within the bounds that we've established and both of us have to accept anything we do or we don't do it. Good communication is the key regardless of the outcome.

This obviously takes some give and take in the relationship. If you are uncomfortable being cuckolded irl then tell your girlfriend this. Either she will accept your limitations and you both can play with the fantasy (if you like) or both of you may be forced to move along if this is an absolute must for her.

Do think about playing out the fantasy for her if you think you can handle it mentally. For example, put an empty chair across the room and pretend you are tied up in it and are forced to watch her have sex with another man. Then you can play that other man that is having sex with her. You could find you could both get off on the fantasy alone.

  • [-]
  • droidxl
  • 4 Points
  • 19:43:28, 31 December

I know it sucks, but just because she has these fantasies doesn't mean she thinks you any less. It's just something that turns her on maybe. Find out the whole story first.

I would firmly tell her you're not interested, and pursuing this would probably go somewhere you can't follow.

  • [-]
  • EHendrix
  • 5 Points
  • 20:54:11, 31 December

First off I wouldn't hold it as a reflection on you, fantasies are one thing, it something that she thinks about and turns her on, it doesn't mean that you are inadequate. Many women have fantasies of domination, or being used, that can extend to MFM three-ways and sharing, that doesn't mean she thinks less of you. Did she ask to do this or just express it as a fantasy? I know it can be hard, but if its just a fantasy leave it at that, everyone has them, and many people, especially women have fantasies they like to think about but would never act on.

Also I believe the term for what you described is Hotwife, a cuckold fantasy is where the male in the group gets off on the degradation and shame of the act.

  • [-]
  • funnybillypro
  • 4 Points
  • 21:42:16, 31 December

Bad idea to it as a cuckold. Cuckolds are for the purpose of erotic embarrassment. It's to "demean" you, but because you get off on being made to feel inadequate. That you actually feel inadequate from this concept means you should NOT!!! do this.

A threesome might be a good compromise, but don't freak out. Stay calm and talk and be honest.

  • [-]
  • tattooed30s
  • 6 Points
  • 19:43:21, 31 December

You were talking fantasies and she was open and honest with you about something that she felt comfortable enough to tell you. That does not mean that you have to go thru with it, and it does not mean that she needs other men to get off. It is just a fantasy and the fact that she shared it with you shows that she has a lot of trust and respect for you. It does not mean she cares for you any less than she did before, and it does not mean she thinks you are bad in bed. If anything it means she thinks you are so good in bed you have no reason to be intimidated by another guy in the mix.

The simple fact is that you are not comfortable with that fetish so she should not make you get involved with it. Just because one of you has a fetish it does not mean that you have to take one for the team and make it a reality. Some fantasies are just fantasies and they do not need to actually happen in real life.

I would suggest that you talk to her about role playing the fantasy with her. Just sit in the corner of the room while she plays with a toy and pretends its another dude.

Something else that is lacking from your post is.....What were some of your fantasies and how did she react to them? Did you stop for a minute and think about how your fantasies may be weighing down on her thoughts the same was this is effecting you?

Anyway in short......don't sweat it, its just a fantasy and she clearly cares for you to be comfortable enough to even verbalize it in the first place.

EDIT: Should also point out you have no reason to feel inadequate just because she thinks of other men from time to time. Your a guy so I would imagine that you watch porn from time to time or browse gonewild. You know that does not change how you feel for her in the slightest, and its the same for her. Fantasies are just fantasies.

  • [-]
  • kwizz16
  • 1 Points
  • 19:52:10, 31 December

It just feels so strange. I have sub fantasies. We partake in that fantasy a lot because it is one of hers too to be a Dominatrix. I will talk to her about again today but I don't know if i can't keep my mind from wondering if she has been doing it behind my back

  • [-]
  • tattooed30s
  • 5 Points
  • 19:54:02, 31 December

Pretty clear you are part of her fantasy since she said that she wants you to watch. If that's really her fantasy then she would have no thrill from doing it behind your back.

  • [-]
  • Gwen_Sub
  • 1 Points
  • 23:35:03, 31 December

Doing it behind your back?

You're talking marriage with this woman, who you've had satisfying sex with and I'm assuming a fairly happy emotional ride with. She drops one bomb on you and you're ready to take a proposal off the table and wonder about her fidelity?

Take a deep breath, sit down and think. You owe her more respect than that.

One,she told you this willingly without pressure. She obviously trusts you enough to tell you this. She might have already known this was out of the realm of possibility,but shared with you.

Two, we fantasize about other men all the time. I like my eye candy just like anyone else with genitalia does. I've fantasized my SO was someone else. I watch porn. it's truly NBD.

Three, you were involved in her fantasy. YOU. Not some random players. She obviously links you to her pleasure.

Four,the idea behind this sort of play is to allow you to feel shammed,inadequate,inferior. It is MENT to do that. That does not mean you ARE.

Talk to her, but you owe her some level of respect in the discussion. You may alienate her by making her ashamed of her fantasies.

  • [-]
  • calcium
  • 1 Points
  • 23:43:39, 31 December

If you're really this wound up about it, why not try talking to a therapist about it. You need to understand that some people's kink and fantasies are different from one anothers. There could be things that you're interested that make her stomach churn.

My recommendation to you is to sit down with her and talk to her about this. Tell her how you feel in a clear, constructive point of view. I should stress that you shouldn't come off as angry for her having those thoughts, simply explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable and then discuss why it makes you feel that way. She'll then appreciate you for being open, honest, and calm and I think you two can grow a lot from this.

  • [-]
  • nydude98
  • 4 Points
  • 19:35:23, 31 December

I personally would shank to death any guy that had sex with a girl I was dating in front of me. I don't think it's hot, interesting, fun or anything of that sort. I would probably have to break up with a girl over a desire like that... It is just too much for me

  • [-]
  • kwizz16
  • 3 Points
  • 19:37:20, 31 December

I feel the exact same way. I going crazy over here

  • [-]
  • AirFapper
  • 1 Points
  • 21:16:33, 31 December

I think that's the entire reasoning behind the kink though. To get the man all jealous and angry, then to push that other guy aside and take back your woman...

... Kind of, thing

I don't know, I'm just a guy trying to see it from her perspective.

  • [-]
  • nydude98
  • 0 Points
  • 21:20:10, 31 December

From what I've seen, cuckolding is basically one guy sitting in the corner watching his girl get fucked and that's the end of it. It's for girls that want to fuck other guys, and guys who want to watch their GF get railed out by more impressive men. It's just a whole rediculous thing that I can't really understand. I mean if a couple are both into that then I wish them the best, but if I had an SO that said she was turned on by that I would just leave her that instant.

  • [-]
  • the2beans
  • 1 Points
  • 22:27:02, 31 December

> cuckolding is basically one guy sitting in the corner watching his girl get fucked and that's the end of it

This is what it ultimately is. If the husband is involved in the sex, it's not really cuckolding, just a threesome.

For anyone who wants to argue about how this isn't as bad as it sounds, go ahead and look it up:

a man whose wife has committed adultery, often regarded as an object of scorn

the husband of an unfaithful wife.

Yes, there are people (indeed men) who are into this stuff, but it's obviously very selective and can only be even considered a remotely healthy activity if both partners are 100% committed to the idea. I personally find it rather revolting, but if people are happy doing it, I am not one to judge.

  • [-]
  • CapAnson
  • 1 Points
  • 20:01:18, 31 December

well try not to take it personally.. people like what they like..one one hand she should be respectful of your wishes if she wants to be with you.. and on the other you need to realize that fantasy probably won't go away.

  • [-]
  • charleston-kayak
  • 1 Points
  • 20:57:58, 31 December

Some fantasies are just better left as just that, a Fantasy.

However there's some "safe" ways you can roleplay, a suction cup toy for example, she can ride it and you can watch, and she can pretend all she wants. Also dirty talking can be done too.

  • [-]
  • Speedy_Thief
  • 1 Points
  • 22:52:36, 31 December

Having a fantasy is indeed fine like everyone has said. The big issue I see here, tucked at the end of what you have said, is she still wants to try after you told her how you feel. That's not fair, there can be compromise here like a threesome or dirty talk (try and say like imagine if he was doing this and that if you're comfortable with it) but to insist on trying this when you're freaking out is disrespectful on her part of your feelings and you should really think about that

  • [-]
  • The_Alpha_Mail
  • 1 Points
  • 23:03:12, 31 December

Have you considered that the hotness for her is you being there? Ask her if she would do the same thing when you aren't there. If not, then you are thinking the wrong way about it.

  • [-]
  • Thundahcaxzd
  • 1 Points
  • 23:34:17, 31 December

you're being a hypocrite. you've never fantasized about having sex with anyone other than your wife? you don't watch porn and look at other women's bodies? you wouldn't be interested in a three-way with your wife and another attractive female? you don't have fantasies that don't revolve around her? yeah fucking right.

she didn't say that she needs to think of other men to get off, she said that sometimes she likes to. accept the fact that you are attracted to women other than just your wife. accept the fact that she is attracted to men other than you. That doesn't mean that yall love each other less. It just means that yall are both honest, self-aware people.

Now, this is what you should do. Tell her that you're not interested in cuckolding, because cuckolding involves the husband getting satisfaction from being shamed/"demeaned" and you don't get any satisfaction from that. It sounds like you really aren't ok with fooling around with other people at all in any capacity so go ahead and tell her that too. But if she indulges your fantasies, and if you are a good little sub like you say you are, then I think you should at least indulge her in some role-playing.

Oh, and do some self-reflection and thinking about this. I'm not trying to be standoffish but consider if perhaps you are holding a double standard here. Western culture teaches us to fear female sexuality. You are so hurt by this but your girlfriend probably assumes that you would be interested in fucking another woman or engaging in a FFM threeway if she gave you permission. Women have to take that for granted while men are allowed to act so hurt about the same thing. And then you get top comments by men on what is supposedly a progressive, sex-positive message board saying that a woman expressing the desire to fuck any man other than her husband (GASP!) even in a fantasy context would be a deal-breaker for them. Give me a break.

tl;dr: your gf is a person too.

  • [-]
  • silken94
  • 1 Points
  • 23:36:43, 31 December

Ouch. Sorry OP. Honestly most "fantasies" revolve around the partner (you). She probably finds the idea of doing that to you hot, not the other person. I mean when she imagines it, you're still the focus of the fantasy, man!

My point being I doubt she would still be with you after 5 years if she wasn't very attracted to you, or at the very least you would have a lot of friction in the relationship. I'm sure she still very much loves you.

  • But OP, you know that you can just say how you feel to your girlfriend, right? As per civil ordinance 1077-42b it is legal for people to talk to their partners.
  • [-]
  • fishsticks40
  • 1 Points
  • 23:46:15, 31 December

If your GF is really asking you to jump in and do this know that she's asking you to clear a really high bar with zero preparation. The only real chance is to take tiny baby steps, and be really honest with how you're feeling at each one; she needs to be prepared for you to say it's not going to happen (but you should be prepared to feel ok with each step and move to the next).

So what are baby steps? The first is probably a deep non-sexual talk about her desires and your concerns. What is it that turns her on about this fantasy? Is it a feeling of power? Is it being watched? And similarly, what is it that turns you off? Powerlessness? Do you worry she doesn't really want you? You need to be able to talk about these things with absolute openness. You need to be able to get your feelings hurt, and to hurt hers, and to come out on the other side feeling ok about it.

If you've talked about it enough to feel comfortable with the basic landscape, then introduce it into fantasy or dirty talk. Walk her through a fantasy during sex. Again, this'll be slow. It could go on for months. Years, even.

If at the end of this you feel ok, move on to her kissing someone, nothing more. And so forth.

The idea is to keep each step small enough that you have control, you have the ability to stop it where it is, that you're not going to watch your ego and your life spin out of control without any agency. Between each step, talk, a lot. And remember that it's perfectly ok to not feel like this is something you can realize for her in real life. Monogamy may be the price of admission to be with you.

It's time to learn to be really good about talking about sex. It's not easy, but you can get there. And you may find that gaining those skills eases your apprehension about this or other fantasy/kink things that may come up - a lot of people's fear around sex comes from the fact that we're taught never to talk about it. Good luck!

  • [-]
  • SchwillyMaysHere
  • 0 Points
  • 19:28:07, 31 December

I get turned on by the thought of my wife with another guy. Different strokes, I guess.

  • [-]
  • Daniel_Lugo
  • -2 Points
  • 21:14:33, 31 December

Dump her ass

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • -11 Points
  • 19:46:39, 31 December

Leave her. She's probably already cheating on you and just wants permission after the fact.

  • [-]
  • tattooed30s
  • 4 Points
  • 19:52:08, 31 December

I see you still remembered the password for your account. Congrats!

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • 3 Points
  • 20:34:27, 31 December

You're the first one to notice. blush

  • [-]
  • prongslover77
  • 2 Points
  • 20:48:07, 31 December

Lots of people are into cuxkholding and are completely faithful to their partners. You're making a big assumption based on very little information. There is no reason to think she is cheating.

  • [-]
  • RememberThisPassword
  • 1 Points
  • 21:08:43, 31 December

She still wants to try even after he told her how he feels. She doesn't respect him as a man. Why stay with someone who doesn't respect you? She's likely to go try it on her own, forbidden fruit and all.

  • [-]
  • EHendrix
  • 0 Points
  • 20:55:30, 31 December

Bad advice from such a small amount of information.