I am [early 30's F] not attracted to my husband [late 30's M] of 8 years, and probably never was (self.relationships)
7 ups - 0 downs = 7 votes
When I met my husband I was looking to get married and was concentrating on what makes a good husband to me (hard working, wanting to be married, same family life goals, etc) and overlooked the fact that I was not attracted to him. I had some chips on my shoulder from past relationships and didn't take care of that in a mature way.
I correctly assumed that even if I had insane sexual chemistry with someone I would grow to hate and resent the person if he wasn't the type to get up in the middle of the night to help me with a baby or stay up late to finish a pile of dishes, etc, etc. I incorrectly assumed that I would grow more attracted and feel greater intimacy towards someone who wanted to be partnered with me in this game of life so to speak.
A first I could fake some enthusiasm with sex. Then I simply tolerated it. And now I can barely take it.
I enjoy sex for two seconds, literally, and I certainly never want to stop what I'm doing to have it. I hate foreplay and don't know how to tell him to touch me better because if I fantasize about another person (not a real person, a hypothetical one) I would enjoy the things he does. I am not sure if I should be more descriptive or take this part to /r/sex.
I'm not on any medication. I've felt this way while pregnant, nursing without my period, not nursing, barely nursing while menstarting and all pregnant and non pregnant bloodwork has been normal. I can get turned on physically and mentally, especially while he is not around, and I can make myself orgasm same as always.
I don't tell him straight out that I am not attracted to him, but he's obviously sensed the issue and party blamed it on my being so busy with kids (always being touched by them so I am "touched out" at night) and I've mentioned there is an emotional connection that is missing (but it would be more accurate to say I have no desire/hunger/chemistry for him physically or his personality).
I have no interest in leaving the person I have a handful of children with, who is a good father, and decent husband plus I recognize that this very well could be 100% my problem and I could end up in a new relationship where I feel no chemistry or where other aspects are far worse than what we have now. But still I can't keep having sex when it feels so uncomfortable and even if I wanted to just be asexual and masturbate alone all the time my husband deserves someone who wants to have sex with him.
Being poly doesn't fit in with our lifestyle and I know he is against it (and I don't really want an open relationship either. I just want us to have really awesome, satisfying sex. And the idea of having that with each other feels hopeless.)
tl;dr I am not attracted to my husband and probably never was, but want to stay in the relationship.
Edited because tl;dr disappeared.
11 comments submitted at 16:57:38 on Jul 7, 2014 by YellowGarden