I am [early 30's F] not attracted to my husband [late 30's M] of 8 years, and probably never was (self.relationships)


7 ups - 0 downs = 7 votes

When I met my husband I was looking to get married and was concentrating on what makes a good husband to me (hard working, wanting to be married, same family life goals, etc) and overlooked the fact that I was not attracted to him. I had some chips on my shoulder from past relationships and didn't take care of that in a mature way.

I correctly assumed that even if I had insane sexual chemistry with someone I would grow to hate and resent the person if he wasn't the type to get up in the middle of the night to help me with a baby or stay up late to finish a pile of dishes, etc, etc. I incorrectly assumed that I would grow more attracted and feel greater intimacy towards someone who wanted to be partnered with me in this game of life so to speak.

A first I could fake some enthusiasm with sex. Then I simply tolerated it. And now I can barely take it.

I enjoy sex for two seconds, literally, and I certainly never want to stop what I'm doing to have it. I hate foreplay and don't know how to tell him to touch me better because if I fantasize about another person (not a real person, a hypothetical one) I would enjoy the things he does. I am not sure if I should be more descriptive or take this part to /r/sex.

I'm not on any medication. I've felt this way while pregnant, nursing without my period, not nursing, barely nursing while menstarting and all pregnant and non pregnant bloodwork has been normal. I can get turned on physically and mentally, especially while he is not around, and I can make myself orgasm same as always.

I don't tell him straight out that I am not attracted to him, but he's obviously sensed the issue and party blamed it on my being so busy with kids (always being touched by them so I am "touched out" at night) and I've mentioned there is an emotional connection that is missing (but it would be more accurate to say I have no desire/hunger/chemistry for him physically or his personality).

I have no interest in leaving the person I have a handful of children with, who is a good father, and decent husband plus I recognize that this very well could be 100% my problem and I could end up in a new relationship where I feel no chemistry or where other aspects are far worse than what we have now. But still I can't keep having sex when it feels so uncomfortable and even if I wanted to just be asexual and masturbate alone all the time my husband deserves someone who wants to have sex with him.

Being poly doesn't fit in with our lifestyle and I know he is against it (and I don't really want an open relationship either. I just want us to have really awesome, satisfying sex. And the idea of having that with each other feels hopeless.)

tl;dr I am not attracted to my husband and probably never was, but want to stay in the relationship.

Edited because tl;dr disappeared.

11 comments submitted at 16:57:38 on Jul 7, 2014 by YellowGarden

  • [-]
  • BobRumpson
  • 4 Points
  • 19:03:43, 7 July

So, you probably need to see a counselor to determine if this is simply a preference issue or if there is some other abnormality that could cause you to feel this way. It would also be a very good idea to be honest with your husband and you both have couples therapy to work on your relationship at the same time. Attraction is influenced by tons of things. If you want to stay in a relationship, it's worth exploring to see if you can identify what might make you more attracted (or attracted at all) to your husband.

  • [-]
  • reddit-morons
  • 3 Points
  • 22:39:09, 7 July

>I correctly assumed that even if I had insane sexual chemistry with someone I would grow to hate and resent the person if he wasn't the type to get up in the middle of the night to help me with a baby or stay up late to finish a pile of dishes

You have no idea whether or not this is true since you didn't end up with someone you had "insane sexual chemistry" with.

You need to get out of your head, seek couples counseling, and work out your relationship issues without questionable ex-post-facto justifications of your decisions. If you were never attracted to him, do him a favor and leave him so you both can find actual happiness.

  • [-]
  • YellowGarden
  • 2 Points
  • 23:20:45, 7 July

Anything is possible. I was just thinking of a specific ex I was very attracted to and I see him with his wife once in a while and know I would be turned off, no matter his looks and flirtation/game style, if I had to be married to that.

  • [-]
  • YellowGarden
  • 1 Points
  • 23:31:59, 7 July

Sorry, it submitted before I was finished.

I haven't told him I am not attracted to him, but I have said I'm not turned on and I don't know how or what you could do to turn me on and he was defensive and hurt, naturally but he said he wanted to work through it with me. We are both much more interested in being married to each other than divorce and we have a handful of kids and have been through a lot in the last decade together so even though sometimes I feel really awful and like I should just find a way for him to be really sexually fulfilled, but at the same time he doesn't want an open marriage or to be without me so I wouldn't say leaving him is a favor.

I really want sex therapy but so far he has recoiled at the price (which mind you is plus babysitting and one of our children has a medical need that a local high school girl can't handle). I am still working on this though.

  • [-]
  • defaulthtm
  • 2 Points
  • 12:06:09, 8 July

You need to change you. I read your other post and comments there FWIW and the problem is that you selected him for everything but attraction. If you want to be attracted to him, fake it, act like your attracted and your body will catch up.

You can keep changing things about him but I don't believe it will do anything. (Btw, knit boxers are much more comfortable, you could have him try those). Your posts are filled with contempt for him, and that contempt is focused on core parts of who he is. That has to be really hurtful to him. It seems like he is doing everything that he can, with the information that he has to fix it but you are not interested (judging by your actions) in providing him helpful information or changing your situation other than hoping that a sex therapist will change him into some kind guy that urns you on (but you wouldn't have married).

So, what do you do? You change you. If you really want to stay with him, get over yourself and start to turn into the person you think he should be married to. Get into your own head and look at his good attributes and try to find them sexy. Change his cloths. Cook for him so that his diet is controlled. Keep small amounts of healthy snacks around. Do sexual things to him just to get him off, be turned on by the fact that you can make him cum whenever you want. This is a ton of work, and it requires that you take ownership of your decision to marry a friend and good provider instead of someone you actually loved. You will be responsible for finding the love and the lust, it seems from your other posts that he already has it. He doesn't deserve your contempt. Stop that shit.

Or, stay miserable, make him miserable, and make sure that you kids see that a loving marriage is something that just doesn't happen and it shouldn't ever be something they aspire to.

Or, get a divorce, and figure out who you actually are and need to be with but make sure that he knows that you did this to him and it isn't his fault.

  • [-]
  • YellowGarden
  • 2 Points
  • 16:00:29, 8 July

All good points. There is some sensory stuff going on that I think is making it very hard for me to fake it and let the body catch up. I didn't realize it, but just asking for straight sex, no foreplay, a bit ago really helped, because I didn't get uncomfortable in the beginning like I usually do and enjoyed more of the straight sex. After I was able to be comfortable with far more physical intimacy than usual. Or it may be because I had a unique day where I had time to just decompress and talk way more on the internet than I have in the last year. Nothing is solved of course, but learning more about myself can't hurt, and when I can get to a professional maybe I'll be able to process things faster.

  • [-]
  • reddit-morons
  • 1 Points
  • 01:08:40, 8 July

Regarding your ex, it's the same inane justification. You're not married to him, can't possibly predict if he'd be the same man if you were.

Regarding your husband, I say "do him a favor" because he doesn't know how you actually feel by him, and would be devastated if he knew you found his presence so nauseating. I'm married, and I get wanting to stay married and fighting through adversity, but if my wife told me the sound of me breathing was such a turnoff she couldn't even masturbate while she could hear it, I'd never be able to forget it or be truly comfortable again.

  • [-]
  • SilvrSurfer
  • 2 Points
  • 21:39:42, 7 July

It sounds like there is a disconnect between the intellectual desire (to be close, to maintain partnership) and the physical (monkey sex with Johnny Depp/ Don Draper/ etc.) Right?

I think you have pretty accurately described the way my wife felt about me for about 5 years (in a general if not specific sense.)

It's also in line with what some biologists would expect (marry a provider, seek sexual gratification elsewhere) although that's debated by smarter people than me. I also realize you don't talk about seeking gratification elsewhere but you do talk about hoping you'd grow into attraction, which implies you desire an attractive partner, even if you would never act on it.

The net is you probably won't be able to change what you want, but he might be able to change what he is. (He can be more dominant, dress more to your taste, start working out, etc.) I have to think if he ever knew what you wrote her he'd be heartbroken and possibly shocked into action.

If you want him to make some changes, you need to have an honest discussion, and possibly point him to the Married Man Sex Life Primer, by Athol Kay. If I'm wrong (and I frequently am,) Please disregard.

Good luck.

  • [-]
  • YellowGarden
  • 2 Points
  • 23:19:30, 7 July

Thank you. You are not wrong at all. I'll look at the book. He'd be more likely to look at a documentary or podcast.

He dresses more or less how I would like him to dress. I wish the clothes fit better, but that is the side effect of yo yo dieting, and that he diets at all shows he tries. When I first met him I really couldn't stand how he dressed and I tried to change to what he wears now, but I couldn't, instead I improved it a little and five years later he got a job that negated the dress change so a little patience on my part got what I wanted.

The biggest problem I worry about on the self improvement front is that I'll never be happy. The list of stuff that bothers me is too long (and makes me look crazy). I don't like that he drinks mostly soda and coffee and makes very little effort to drink water or seltzer. I don't like what he wears around the house to a degree, I like the individual pieces (I bought all his clothes) but not he puts it together all the time. I don't like when he tells a story with too many pronouns so it takes forever to figure out who did what or said what. The list goes on. I need to ignore this stuff. Easier said than done.

  • [-]
  • JoeMarron
  • 2 Points
  • 00:16:59, 8 July

Definitely check out that book and have him read it. You sound utterly repulsed by your husband and I'd bet my next paycheck on it being because he doesn't know how to act like a man should act. A simple change in behavior may be all he needs to start getting you attracted to him. However, you said you were never attracted to him in the first place so perhaps for whatever mysterious biological reason you guys aren't a good match for each other.